A/N: It seems like forever since I last updated so I apologize for that but I had a big English speech and I haven't been getting much sleep lately. Sorry! Thanks for the reviews though! I'm so excited, I just got the Original Soundtrack to Rent. The play! Yay!
Disclaimer: Jonathan Larson…again…
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Mark's POV
"Hey" I slammed the door tightly.
"You're a little late Mark." My mother says, in a scolding tone.
"I know, I'm sorry. I lost track of time." I explain, hoping she'll allow it. She glances over at me, and a smile spreads across her lips.
"Okay. Just don't let it happen it again." She rubs my shoulder lightly before starting the car. "So how was your shopping trip? Maureen didn't want a ride?" She raises her eyebrow, trying to keep her eyes on the road and me at the same time. I think about what happened this afternoon. I had completely forgotten Maureen even existed.
"Uh…Maureen and Carrie kinda left us, so Roger and I hung out for a while." I say, staring off into the distance. Then I remember the white and black scarf around my neck. It feels like it belongs there, not foreign in any way.
"Oh, that's too bad. Well, hopefully Roger found them to get them home. Maybe you should call Maureen when we get back to the house. What's this?" She asks, pulling lightly on my new scarf, and I snatch it out of her hands defensively.
"Nothing, I bought a scarf at this little shop."
"Honey, I didn't give you any money. Did you steal it?" Her mind always jumps to crime. She obviously doesn't know me very well. I would be too paranoid to steal anything. I'd probably end up freaking out and confessing before I even got out of the shop.
"No, Roger bought it for me."
"Oh. That's nice of him." Her eyes flutter warily, and suddenly I don't feel very secure in the passenger seat.
"Yea. Mom, can you please wait till we get home to sleep?" I condescend, and she rolls her eyes at me.
"I'm not sleeping Mark. You didn't have a hard day like me." I highly doubt that. She stayed at the house all day doing laundry while I sat through school, taking tests and doing homework.
"Why, what did you do today?" She turns her head away from the road and glares at me.
"Well…I cleaned up your room a little and then met a friend for lunch. But I haven't been sleeping well…" She hesitates, and I hold in a laugh. I would give anything to stay home all day long and be able to leave to go anywhere, at anytime. "Did you eat, Marky?"
"Yes." I give her a blunt answer, knowing that she won't be satisfied.
"And what did you have?" She whines, and I sigh heavily. She can never just leave me alone with my thoughts. My thoughts of the day. My thoughts of Roger touching… "Marky? You hear me?" She interrupts my train of thought, probably for the better. Thoughts of Roger shouldn't fill my head. Not like that at least.
"Uhh…Chinese. It was pretty good. Greasy, but good." I add, and she giggles a little. I can always make her laugh at the most stupid things.
"Well…I didn't eat. Do you mind if I stop for some food?"
"As long as it's fast food. I'm not gonna like…come in and sit there watching you eat."
"I know Mark. I meant fast food." She sounds hostile, annoyed and done with all my crap. Sometimes I think I give her too much of an attitude, but then when she judges me, I know I'm not. I can never be myself.
My mind moves back to Roger reluctantly, about how close we were in the doorway. I stopped it, even though I didn't know where it was going. It was probably all in my mind. But why would something like that be in my mind? Now I'm starting to confuse myself. Thinking about another guy is something that's never happened to me before. Yet, thinking about Roger isn't the worst thing in the world. I choose to ignore my thoughts and shift them to the dance. An entire night, dancing with Maureen. Well, more like standing in the corner while Maureen dances with other guys. I'm used to being ignored by now.
I open the door quickly, wanting to run up to my room immediately. My mother grasps my shoulder, pulling me down on the couch.
"Don't you dare leave now." She says harshly, and I become confused. Why would she want me down here?
"Why? What do you want?" I cringe my face up, confused and needing the warmth of my bed, just to clear my mind.
"I wanted to tell you that it wasn't very nice, what you did today."
"What…but Maureen is getting…" She sits next to me on the couch, not even leaning back against the fabric of it.
"No, Mark. I meant when you left me. First of all that was supposed to be our day shopping. Then you invited Maureen, then completely left me to do all the shopping. I don't think that was very considerate of you." She whispers, trying to sound as kind as she can. I stutter at her words, feeling fury and confusion at the same time.
"S…sorry. I didn't know that…you always just pick out my clothes without my help anyways. What would the difference be?" I feel her hand grasp mine tightly, as if she's giving me horrible news. She can be way too intense sometimes.
"I was looking forward to spending the day with you."
"Well…sorry mom. Can I leave now?" I break from her grip and rise off the couch, rubbing my palms on my pants. Her eyes bug open, and she clears her throat.
"Sure, Mark." She grants me permission, and in a second I fly down the hall.
My bedsprings jut into my body, and I pull the warm blanket over my body, then my head. A sigh escapes my lips, and I'm finally alone with my mind. Alone, like always.
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A week later
I rub my eyes gently, yawning and grasping at my bag's strap. I look up at the school, feeling the worst urge to walk away. I don't want to go in so badly, I would rather die. The wind is strong, almost as if it's pushing me inside. Great, now even the weather is forcing me to go to school. I just can't win.
"Mark!" I hear a voice yell, expecting it to be Maureen, but the voice is deep. I turn around to see Roger running slowly at me, a huge smile on his face.
"Hey." I say clumsily, as my voice breaks for the first time in days. It has to be in front of Roger.
"Hey. I'm glad I caught up to you." He tries to catch his breath, running his hand slickly through his hair to straighten it out.
"Yea, me too." I look over at the school, dreading the entrance. "I haven't seen you in school. Where have you been?" I ask, trying my hardest to avoid his eyes. I've never been good at eye contact except with Maureen. With Maureen, I'm forced to look into her eyes, since she insists on staying two inches from my face.
"I've been here. I haven't skipped since last week. We just don't have any classes together. I saw you in the hall once though." He smirks, and I fight off a blush.
"Oh yea, right." I whisper. He stops right before we get to the doors, and leans into my body. I feel my heart pounding in my chest, and suddenly I'm aware of all the people around me.
"Do you wanna come with me today?" He mumbles, and I look around. No one is watching us, but my stupid mind never lets me do anything fun.
"Like…skip?" I ask naively, and he laughs at my freshman-like demeanor.
"Yea. Like we were talking about…remember?"
"Yes, I just never thought you meant…this soon." My voice lowers substantially, as if the whole school is listening to our conversation. I contemplate leaving. I really don't want to go to school, and I haven't been sick this entire year. I think I owe a day to myself.
"So?" He asks, prying an acceptance out of me.
"All right. But where are we going to go?" A smile takes over his face, and he pulls me along into the parking lot.
"Surprise. I don't want to spoil it." His hand grips tightly to my jacket, and before I know it I am waiting for him to unlock his car.
The road runs long and fast in front of us, a yellow line passing by every few seconds. I stare drowsily at the sky, fighting to keep my eyes open. My eyelids feel like a thousand pounds, dragging heavily on my tired eyeballs. I give in to temptation, allowing them to close, when seconds later I feel the car come to a halt. Roger taps me on the shoulder, forcing me to wake up from my second long nap.
"Hey, we're here." He says, smiling wide and tugging on the sleeves of his jacket to warm him up.
"O...okay." I say yawning, and he rolls his eyes at me.
"You should think about trying to get more sleep." His hand drifts over to my thigh, and grips tightly, just to get his point across. My eyes snap to our contact, and he removes his hand in a flash. "Uh…let's go." He quickly makes his way out of the car, shutting it closed while I sit in shock. My whole body shivered when he touched me. I shake the feeling off, pretending it was nothing, and get up out of the car. I see a bunch of kids, all gliding along the ice, and swear mentally. It's an ice skating rink.
"What the heck?" I ask, and Roger laughs hard at my cracking voice.
"What? You've never ice skated before?"
"Well…" My mind flashes back to my first attempt at ice-skating. It was about three years ago with Maureen. I remember the ice in my face. The smell of blood threatening to spill every time I fell. I remember being terrified, and vowing I would never ice skate again. Now it looks like I'm going to have to break that promise to myself. "I have…but I was not very successful."
"Oh." He laughs slightly, grabbing my hand with his. "That's okay. I can help you." Again I'm being led along. I haven't had much control lately over where my body goes.
"Okay." I mumble, my feet dragging behind me with Roger's fingers unintentionally entwined with mine. We arrive at a booth of some sort, and Roger grabs two pairs of skates. I can only hope that they are the right size, I don't want to act like a pest if they aren't.
"Here." He hands me the smaller pair, and sits down on a green bench directly next to us. He removes his worn out tennis shoes slowly, and begins to untie the strings on the skates. I stand, motionless, watching his every move with care. "Aren't you gonna put them on?" He looks up, still holding strings between his fingers, and raising his eyebrow. I stumble to sit next to him, and try to follow his actions identically.
"How the hell did you think of ice-skating?" His head cocks to the side as he makes a knot with the laces. A smile is all I get for an answer before he returns to fitting his skates on perfectly. Mine are a little tight, squeezing the ends of my toes, but God knows I won't be able to stay up on them for very long anyway.
"Ready?" He asks, standing up and offering his hand out to me. I skim it with my eyes, studying the new calluses and short nails. My hand reaches out slowly, and I get ready to steady my feet beneath me. I feel weird using Roger as a support system, seeing as we only met a week ago. He doesn't move one inch as I put all my weight on him, and before I know it, I find myself completely trusting him.
"Whoa." I almost take a fall into him, but balance myself before it happens.
"Come on Mark, we aren't even on the ice yet." He whispers, hoping that I didn't hear him, but I feel a blush come to my cheeks. It lowers my self-esteem quite a bit, needing all of this help from a stranger. "Okay, the ice is coming! If you need to fall into me, just do it. Don't be afraid. I can hold ya. Okay?" His eyes perk up, and he takes one careful step onto the ice, holding our connected hands out to the sides.
"All right. I'll try not to fall."
"Don't worry about it." He says kindly, and I let a small smile come across my face. He reacts the same way, his lips curving gently and dimples appearing deep in his cheeks.
"Wah!" I scream as I extend my skate out onto the ice, slipping immediately. Roger laughs quietly at me, as his hands move slowly up my arms. He's trying to be supportive, but it's just making me confused. I like the feel of his hands on me, but my mind won't accept it.
"It's okay. See? You're completely on ice! Look, Mark!" He persuades me to open my eyes, and sure enough, I am standing on ice. The translucent white sits beneath me, waiting to trip me into embarrassment. I know that my first move will result in feeling the cold ice on my pale white face.
"I c…can't m…move." I utter, and Roger grasps tightly onto my upper-arms.
"Yes you can. Just try. I've got you." His voice is so patient, so quiet and gentle, that it soothes me from my fear. I slide my foot forward cautiously, then the other, then again, then again, until I am gliding along with Roger attached to me. His smile grows wider with every stride, pride and joy growing up inside of him. "See? You're doing it Mark! You don't even need me!" His grip loosens, and I feel insecure. There is a gap, nothing to hold me up. Hesitantly I continue, making my way across the entire rink, while Roger watches me carefully.
"Holy crap, I'm skating!" I say shakily, but still proud of my accomplishment. Not soon after however, I'm on my ass. I sit; hands sprawled on the ice, as I feel the freezing, water seep through the back of my jeans. Then I see Roger skating quickly towards me.
"Mark, it's okay. It was your first fall. You were up for at least five minutes!" He tries to cheer me up, while lifting my humiliated body off of the ground. Our hands hold each other securely, and he pulls me to my feet. I try again to skate, when my skates slip out from under me.
"Holy sh…" I cry, as my balance is taken away. I'm finally forced to fall into Roger, fitting perfectly between his arms. His form stays steady, not even twitching as I collapse.
"You okay?" He asks, worried.
"Uh…yea." I answer, looking up into his eyes. I straighten my body out, until we are eye to eye. His hands rest firmly on my elbows, and mine on his shoulders. A sense of awkwardness appears, but Roger is quick to ignore it. He leans forward only a little, making our bodies press together. I gasp at the surprise, realizing maybe it's not all in my head.
"Mark?" His eyes close loosely, and I breathe heavily as the warmth of his face starts to affect me.
"Yea?"
"What are we doing?" I spring back suddenly, making myself fall once again. This time Roger doesn't catch me, and I end up back on the ice.
"What the hell? You said you had me!" I scream at him, not meaning a word. My frustration and confusion has built up into taking it out on Roger.
"I'm…I'm sorry. Well…I kinda got freaked out because…"
"I wasn't going to do anything!" I yell, now angry because he didn't want it too. My mind whirls inside and out, misjudging every little move Roger has made. It was all a lie.
"I know…I mean, but weren't you?"
"Weren't you?" I ask angrily, and he looks down in disappointment.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…to confuse you…" His eyes avoid mine, staring at the ice below him.
"You didn't. I'm confusing myself. The thoughts…I mean…never mind." I huff, and head off of the ice, to safe ground four feet away.
I change quickly back into my shoes, and ready myself for leaving. Then I realize that I have no way of getting home without Roger. He took me here, instead of school. I can't call my mom to come pick me up. I'm screwed.
"Mark, wait!" I hear behind me, and breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe he can still get me home. "Mark, I'm sorry. I am. I'm confused too."
"I'm not…gay." I whisper, and he bugs his eyes out in surprise.
"You think I'm gay?"
"Well…"
"Mark, Carrie and I are going out. I thought…I thought we were just…" He sighs heavily, forcing the word out of his mouth. "…friends." All of my hopes crush down on top of me, but I can't show it. I can't act like I wish we were more than friends.
"We are." I snap back defensively, unable to handle the reality that I might like Roger. For now, I'm going to have to push it out of my mind. Out of my imagination.
"Oh…okay. Good. That's good." He smiles sadly, and sits down to take off his skates.
We walk awkwardly out of the ice skating rink to Roger's car, and I get in reluctantly.
"Now where are we going? It's only nine." I say, and Roger smiles.
"Food? Then I could drop you off for fifth period." He mumbles.
"Yea sure." The car moves forward slowly, and I glance out the window. Suddenly I feel Roger's hand return to my thigh, just like it had been before.
"Mark, don't feel bad, I mean…I kinda…felt…" He stutters, and I push him off of me.
"I don't feel bad. I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this. It's nothing." My voice is harsh and cold, and I regret the words the second they fly out of my mouth. All of this is going way too fast. We hardly know each other and already I'm being rejected.
"All I'm saying is that I…I…" He laughs lightly, obviously embarrassed about his thoughts as well. "I felt it. I almost did something, but…you know." He finishes, and I feel my heart jump up in my throat.
"You did?" Our eyes connect, and he nods gently. "I did too."
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Notes: Did ya like it? Was it okay? XD Thanks to Erin for some plot ideas and of course Carrie because, she's Carrie. XDD Review guys! You are excellent at it! PS…for those readers of my story "I Have Always Loved You" it is definitely not over!