Barba*

The day had moved at an agonizing pace, each minute ticking by like its own hour. For his part, Barba managed to do a few of the tasks on his desk that morning, thankful he didn't have to be in court or concentrate on a trial. He'd certainly botch it with his inability to think straight. Every time he turned around he was checking his phone, glancing to see if he'd somehow missed the notification ding letting him know someone had called or texted. For hours, though, it was radio silence.

He resisted the temptation to reach out to Olivia having decided he'd already put too much on her shoulders last night. Like him, she had a job to do, one that required her to be more present in the moment. A split second lapse in judgment could literally mean life or death.

Like Sonny.

Barba dropped his pen, putting a hand to his chest. Was the pain he felt cracks spreading across his heart as it slowly broke apart, or was it more realistic, something along the lines of a heart attack? Should he call for help? Barba took a deep breath and gradually let it out, eyes closed, concentrating on how his body felt. Aside from the ache within in his chest he felt fine, a shell of a men, an important piece of him hanging on by a thread. I haven't lost him yet. Dominick is still with me. Everything will be okay.

He wanted to touch him, to pull him close and rest his head on his shoulder. He wanted to be enveloped in the scent of his aft, arms wrapped around him, feeling the gentle rise and fall of his chest.

Tears pricked Barba's eyes as his heartbeat ticked up a few notches. The next breath he drew was ragged, barely filling his lungs, and the ache began to tighten its hold. With all these years he'd spent working with Olivia he knew all too well the grip of a panic attack. He'd witnessed a number of them. Barba pushed away from his desk and lowered his head toward his knees. Eyes closed, he kept trying to erase the fear leaking into his bloodstream and darkening his thoughts.

When he realized things were getting out of hand, Barba fled, only one place in mind.

And somehow he made it there without conciously being aware of the trip, the soles of his shoes clicking on the tiles. Autopilot directed him through the belly of the precinct, one of the detectives saying his name, and straight to Olivia's door. He didn't bother with knocking, his knees starting to shake, barging in and promptly interrupting a conversation between Olivia and Rollins.

"I don't think I can do this."

"Do what?" Rollins asked.

Barba barely made it to the sofa before collapsing on it, by the tears trekking down his cheeks. In a blink Olivia was at his side, her leg pressed against his, a hand on his back, the other resting on his knee.

"It's okay," she soothed. "You're doing the best you can. Nobody expects you to be strong throughout this, falling apart is okay. We're here for it."

"Is he good? Has something changed?" Finn.

"Am I missing something?"

"Please excuse us, Rollins," Olivia directed, managing to convey authority and concern at the same time. Barba imagined Rollins looking from him to Finn and back again, before he heard her heels cross the room and the door close in her wake. "Talk to me, Raf. Tell me what's wrong."

He finally looked up, tearing his blurry gaze from the floor. He swiped a hand across them. Had he ever cried in the office? No, he reserved such a display of emotion for quiet moments at home. Until recently. Until now. And though he knew it was perfectly acceptable, especially with those around him, especially given the circumstances, it still left a bitter taste. What good would crying do for Sonny?

"What if he doesn't come home?" His voice was weaker than he'd ever heard it. "He isn't here. He isn't at home. He isn't popping into my office. He's no place..." His voice fell to a whisper. "...And what if..."

"Stop," Finn said, the strong tone of his voice catching Barba by surprise. "I've worked with Carisi long enough to know that he's a fighter. In fact, he's a lot like Olivia, like you and me. He doesn't stop until he gets the best result he can, and being home with you, I'm sure, to him, there's nothing better."

"Finn is right. Look, how about we go pay him a visit? I think if you see him you'llfeel better. You'll realize you still have him."

"Can we?"

"Of course. I'll drive." She stood. "Finn, can you keep a lock on things here?"

"Sure thing, boss. I've got to pound the pavement, I'll take Rollins with me. If she asks me any pressing questions I'll find a way to keep her sidetracked."

The thought of holding Sonny's hand, of feeling their palms pressed together, it gave him a newfound rush of hope. Something to hold onto, a little ray of light in the otherwise gloominess of his life. He wanted to be there at the hospital more than anything. The prospect of seeing Sonny gave him the strength he needed to get up off the couch.

Barba ran his hands over his face as he climbed to his feet. I can do this.

Olivia's phone rang. The look that crossed her face was fleeting, but enough to bring the fear surging back.

"It's the hospital."

Those were the last words Barba heard before he was overwhelmed. One second he was standing in Olivia's office, the next the world had gone black.