Chapter III

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A firm feminine voice retorted from above. "Don't you dare take that tone with me, young man! HE had it coming!"

"DID SHE HAVE IT COMING, TOO?" Cupid shouted back. "SHE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!"

Aphrodite flashed in, with more glare than usual, and a lot less glittery sparkle. She stood pouting up at her tall son, almost as if she were the younger and he the elder. The mother and son didn't always get on well together, since for the most part Cupid acted like a typical volatile teenager. Not that Aphrodite wasn't above such behavior. No one had to think very hard to figure out where Cupid's difficult personality came from. Today, however, he seemed to be the one acting in a more reasonable manner.

"Oh Sweetie," Aphrodite chose the consoling and sentimental route, "you're just upset. Besides, DISCORD tricked the Amazon babe into becoming a cricket; I had nothing to do with it.

"Getting her offed wouldn't necessarily be any big hairy deal, anyway. Brother Herkie could go visit Hades and work something out. Hades always listens to Bro." Aphrodite shrugged, sighed, then raised her arms to run her fingers through her hair while looking off across the mountainside to help herself calm down. "Bor-ring; this place isn't my idea of interesting! Not a rose in sight!"

Cupid laid a hand on her shoulder to regain her wandering attention. He tried but failed to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "Yes, Mother, I know, YOU are never responsible when someone else 'uses' your little fits of temper to THEIR advantage. And you don't care WHAT day they happen to fall on," glancing over at Zara. His voice trembled. "You HAVE to do something to save the King!"

She folded her arms and the pair stared at each other obstinately.

"You can't make me! I'm angry at him! How DARE he defy me!" she fumed.

Zara watched in horror as Cupid's shoulders shook, then he broke down in tearful sobs. Twanky immediately embraced him, gently rocking him back and forth. An impressive feat, since he overshadowed her by a good foot.

"There, there," she murmured quietly, trying to soothe him, "Mums and sons have issues all their own. I'm sure whatever she did, she only had yer best interests to heart."

Twanky continued rocking Cupid, while Zara wiped her eyes with her free hand. Iphicles emitted a small "ribbet" of sympathy. No one noticed that Aphrodite had stepped over to join the sad little group.

"I thought you were over that," she said, contritely, laying a palm on Cupid's still-shaking shoulders. "It was SO long ago. You were only four at the time, with such cute little rosy--"

Cupid shrugged off Aphrodite's palm and raised his tear-stained face, angrily glaring over Twanky's shoulder at his mother. "Don't talk to me about how cute I was. Not until you fix this."

Twanky, understanding the dangers of being literally "in the middle" of a family argument, released Cupid. "I'll be over there with Zara and the king," she sniffled, as the moment had affected her maternal instincts. "I need to get an 'anky anyway."

"Oh Honey," Aphrodite began, in a renewed effort to placate her son. Cupid resolutely folded his arms and shook his head.

Twanky noted that the pained expression on his face hadn't abated in the least, and felt duty bound to intercede once more.

"I saw everything that 'appened," she reminded Aphrodite, bravely covering her own desperation, "I was there and I know! I--"

Aphrodite turned on the spunky little woman with a sneer. "Careful, old lady, or I might just change YOU into a bug!"

Twanky narrowed her eyes and advanced nearer until she was inches from the beautiful goddess's sulky face. "Don't call ME an 'old lady,' you selfish little witch! If you would just get doon from off your 'high horse' long enough to listen to me--!"

'Dite turned away but Cupid stood in her path. "Mom! Listen to her, at least! Show a little respect!" and he gestured to the Widow to continue, which she did.

"I WAS going to give you a promise to negotiate with the King here about having more temples built across the land and..." she flung out an arm, "and even in other countries such as my 'omeland Britannia, why ever not? That way you would have many, many more worshipers than you could 'ope to have in just one little country!" 'Dite suddenly squealed in delight, but there was another side to Twanky's dinar.

She wagged an admonishing finger. "On the other hand, consider this: if you don't do wot we ask, the Amazons who've been tending your rose garden will let it all run to weeds and beetles. AND, I could persuade Iolaus not to come and pay those special visits to your boudoir anymore!"

"You wouldn't! But oh well, I have plenty of other boy toys." Aphrodite tried to look nonchalant, but she did feel uneasy about these possibilities. Her beloved rose garden? And Sweetcheeks...he and Iphicles hadn't always gotten along, but he'd do anything for Iphy's younger brother...their mutual brother. And Iolaus had always been a particular favorite of hers.

"I WOULD miss Iolaus," she admitted. She wrung her hands, then sighed again and yielded, "Okay. But," to her son, "I'm only saying this because YOU asked. A simple kiss from a 'woman of royalty' will break the spell..."

"We already tried that!" chorused Zara and Twanky, their statement underscored by protesting "croaks" from a very exasperated frog.

"I am of royal lineage, and I kissed him," clarified Zara. "Nothing happened."

"Well, of course not, silly! He needs an OLD woman of royalty," chortled Aphrodite. "I figured if Iphicles had to get a kiss from some dried-up old crone missing all of her teeth..." She nodded towards Twanky. "Like her."

"Well, I never! Of all the... " Twanky sputtered, indignantly, and then exploded," I am NOT a 'dried up old crone', as you so in-elegantly phrased it!" She would have continued an angry rant, but better judgment told her not to further provoke Aphrodite.

Twanky glanced at Zara in apology. "If I'd known that, I'd've kissed 'im back at 'is castle when SHE zapped 'im. We never would've 'ad ANY of this foolishness of finding flowers and brewin' useless teas." She glowered back at Aphrodite, while haughtily declaring, "AND, for your information, Madam, I possess ALL of my teeth, thank you very much!"

"So," sneered Aphrodite, "bite me."

Pointedly ignoring the snide remark, Twanky held out a palm to Zara. "The frog, if you please."

Zara handed a wary-looking frog to Twanky. "Err, unfortunately, Aphrodite ALSO said she had to be 'royal,' and..." Zara hesitated, hoping Twanky would finish the unspoken thought...

"Though I am a 'Queen of the Theatre,'" Twanky began expansively with an equally expansive spread of her arms, "I am ALSO the eighth cousin three times removed to the King of Derry." She paused, absorbed in thought. "Not that the relationship has benefited me with any royal patronage! I swear that man is SO tight with his money." She brightened. "So, a kiss, is it? "

She raised the tiny creature to eye level. "You ready, yer majesty?" and winced. "Oh, I suppose a lady MUST be brave! For King and country!" she murmured, as she touched her lips to the waiting frog.

Zara was expecting a warning "poof"; but, as soon as Twanky's lips caressed him, the frog began to grow. "Quick, Twanky, put him...down."

Iphicles re-appeared on the word "down." He and Twanky fell to the ground in a sprawled heap. "'A fine woman for your age,' indeed you are, milady," he smiled gratefully at the bemused matron. Aphrodite giggled, involuntarily, but a dark glare from her son silenced her. Iphicles sighed in immense relief, then joined Cupid by fixing Aphrodite with his own baleful stare, while he began helping Twanky to her feet.

Zara, sensing things could easily backfire, quickly interjected, muttering so 'Dite couldn't hear (she hoped!), "I know you're angry, but please, I'd like to have something go right today. Consider it a birthday request!"

Iphicles bit back an angry retort. "Okay, but this isn't over. Not by a long shot!"

He began gently brushing the dirt off Twanky. "Are you sure you are all right, milady? Let me get you both back to my castle."

"Well, I've 'ad better days," Twanky began, then hesitated. "No, no permanent damage, I don't think." She assessed her damaged footwear and ripped skirt. "Well, to meself anyways."

"If you don't mind, I'd like to spend some time with Zara." Cupid interjected. "It's her birthday, and I …" He looked at 'Dite warningly. "But, I think I'd better make sure there will be no 'accidents.'" Cupid brushed a remaining tear from his face and anointed Iphicles with it. "Just to be on the 'safe' side," he added, again staring directly at his mother. "Everyone else is already 'protected from harm' by these, I'd hate to have to do a repeat performance.'

"I don't know WHAT you are talking about," 'Dite sniffed, reproachfully. "Oh, all right, TRUCE. I have better things to do, anyway." She disappeared in a shower of pink rose petals.

"Good; glad that's over. Wot a day!" Twanky began brightly, and encircled Iphicles' arm jauntily, while starting towards the road leading into Corinth. "Now, speaking of performances, come let us discuss the upcoming s'hedule on the way back to your castle. I think we should--" She paused, and looked back at Cupid and Zara. "You WILL be all right, now?" she asked gently.

"She'll be just fine, I'll bring her back in a while," and he flapped his wings for emphasis. "Hey, these are functional, as well as decorative. I thought I demonstrated that before. So, she has transportation…."

"Actually, dearie," Twanky interrupted solicitously, "It was YOU I meant."

Overwhelmed by the sentiment, and still, in truth, feeling a little wounded, Cupid stared at Twanky for a moment, stunned. "Thanks, but no, I'll be fine too," he stammered, and smiled gently at her concern. He advised, "Be careful on the road with Twanky, Iphicles. The tears only protect you from Mom's and any other god's mischief. They don't do anything to protect you from other mortals."

Iphicles patted Twanky's hand protectively. "Don't worry; I won't let anything happen to my 'official rescuer.' And Twanky, milady..."

"Yes, Your Majesty," she responded, smiling brightly up at him from her diminutive height. "Your lightest wish is law to my ear, Sire."

"I have another performance I'd like you to consider adding to your schedule." He gently swept aside some billowing blond curls and whispered into Twanky's waiting ear, as they continued walking.

"Oooh! Yes, of course, I had that very thought." Twanky nodded, "That can be arranged, although with the time limits it won't be quite as polished as I would like." She waved at the couple, "See you back at the castle, Zara!"