Howdy folks! We are FINALLY back. We are SOOOO sorry for taking for fucking ever. We understand if you wish to rip our heads off. But we have, after months of laziness and procrastination updated and we have not given up, we just simply had a writer's block. So here it is without further ado, chapter nine!

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"So, tell me about your mother." Sirius perched Tonks' ugly reading glasses more firmly on the end of his nose and readjusted Remus' good quill in his right hand as he sat upon his dear old mum's musty old bed. Buckbeak, the victim of this particularly horrible psychoanalysis, sat in a crumpled heap of feathers on the floor, wondering how much more of this he would have to endure. The questions! The stupidity! The glasses! He wasn't sure if he could take it much longer.

Looking impatient, Sirius flipped another page in Bill's notebook and stared sternly down at the unfortunate lump of hippogriff on the carpet. "Now that won't do at all!" he scolded. "You're utterly ignoring me! Unless—aha! You were a rebel!" The stolen quill went skating across the equally stolen notebook. "I can see it all now—black leather, inappropriate talon clippings, pierced birdy genitals, heavy metal—your life makes so much more sense now!"

Buckbeak heaved a particularly sad sigh, having heard the words "birdy genitals."

THE AGONY!

Our favorite hippogriff, however, was presently rescued by several crashing sounds and Tonks' anguished cry of "MY BED! MY BEAUTIFUL BED! RUINED! SCARRED!"

"Tonks, calm down, it'll be all right…."

"SCARRED!"

"It's—it's just a bed, and a bed's, ah, just a bed, and, while we're on the topic, you know, a wand's really… just… a wand…maybe?"

"SACRILEGE! I AM FORCED TO ABANDON SOCIETY AND LIVE NAKED IN THE WOODS AS A HUNTER GATHER! THE SHAME!"

"...what? Wouldn't you be cold?"

"I AM NOW…OLGA! WARRIOR WOMAN EXTRAORDINAIRE! OBSERVE AS I REMOVE MY LEFT BREAST!"

"Erm…Tonks? Wouldn't you just like to keep both of them?…they're nice together…and so is London…."

"AIEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"But—but—but I don't like the woods."

"AIEEEE—oh. That's right. You'd be coming with. Ha. That would be quite rude of me, wouldn't it?"

Remus nodded fervently.

"Well, then. I suppose I'll just have to burn my bed and buy a new one. And give Bill a good spanking." Tonks paused. "That's not as wrong as it sounds, I swear."

Whatever.

"Or you could just…maybe…ah, launder the sheets?" Remus suggested tentatively.

Tonks stopped in mid-bitch. "Oh. That's not a bad idea. I could just…launder the sheets. And everything will be better."

"I don't know," Sirius said, having abandoned his patient upon the word "breast." "That sort of thing can really penetrate."

Remus quietly buried his face in his hands. Well, one hand, as the other was being waved furiously at Sirius by his cousin. "Shut up, you big footed stupid little convict!' she seethed.

"Why?" he responded petulantly.

"Because…because you were just psychoanalyzing a hippogriff, that's why!"

"So?" Sirius shrugged, looking most ridiculous in his cousin's eyewear. "It beats head shrinking Harry. My God, bitch, bitch, bitch. Stupid teenage boys." He glanced down. "Do I really have big feet?"

Remus smiled. "You know, you were a teenage boy too, once."

"Never said I wasn't, still am actually."

"Um…no you're not."

"Uh, yes I am. I'm nineteen."

"Sorry to bust your bubble Padfoot but you're turning 36 next week."

"Don't be stupid I'm turning twenty."

"But Sirius, I'm 24." Tonks said trying to fight the signature Black stubbornness.

"So? Hey I'm the youngest here!"

"Uh…Sirius." Remus tried, "I'm three months older then you and I'm 36."

"Now that's just silly, with that comely figure you don't look a year over 20."

"Well that's very nice of you Sirius but I must remind you that following your logic, Tonks is 8."

"Hmmm." Sirius said surveying her, "You look good for 8."

Tonks blushed. "But…but…but…if I'm 8 then that…that…that makes Harry like negative 9."

"Ha ha ha you're so funny…wait…OH NO!" Sirius stared horrorstruck at the other two. "I'M OLD!"

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say old…" Remus said a little peeved. "I mean, we're not middle aged yet…"

"YET? I solemnly swear that I won't reach 40."

"Don't say that, that makes me sad. And look on the bright side, you look good for 36."

"35!"

"Not for long."

"ARGH!"

"Oh dear, here have some chocolate, it'll make you feel better." Remus produced a bar of his trademark chocolate from one of his many sweater pockets.

"ACK! CELLULITE AT MY AGE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? I WOULD LIKE TO TRY TO HANG ON TO MY YOUTHFUL FIGURE WHILE I'VE STILL GOT IT! I'm going to go find a grapefruit." With this he stormed off into the kitchen.

"I don't think we should have told him." Tonks said looking worriedly after the retreating figure of her newly 35-year-old cousin.

"Tonks…he thought he was 20."

"19." Tonks corrected him. "And anyway, who cares? The idea seems to have done some serious damage." At this Remus burst into laughter. "What? Oh. Serious/Sirius pun. Right. Boys."

"Men. And according to his own logic he's not even old enough to drink." (Author's note: we know that this comment is actually based on a really stupid American law and in Britain no one gives a shit, but who cares, we're putting it in anyway)

"Well at least now he can go drink away his pain. And I want my glasses back."

"Yeah, really I mean…I'm not that old am I?" Remus asked suddenly unsure of himself. The entire age epidemic had gotten him shockingly aware of the age difference between 36 and 24.

"Oh stop it Remus, just because Sirius is insecure about his age doesn't you have to be, you act older then you are. 36 is NOT OLD!"

A voice from the other room that was rather muffled by what was most likely grapefruit, shouted, "YES IT IS!"

"But…honestly, you're not middle aged yet…"

"STOP SAYING YET!"

"Um…"

"I WILL KEEP MY YOUTHFUL FIGURE! AND AVOID WRINKLES AT ALL COSTS! LIKE YOURS!"

"What? I don't have wrinkles." Remus turned desperately to Tonks. "Do I?"

"Don't be stupid Remus, you don't have wrinkles and for the last time you are NOT old. And…muffin."

"Er…buttered?"

"Eew, no I just want one, let's go into the kitchen and see if we can't find a sedative or some alcohol for my dear cousin."

They found Sirius raiding the pantry in pursuit of healthy foodstuffs.

"AHA! Apples…Grapefruits…crackers…questionable high protein mush…eew."

"Uh…Sirius?"

"Yah?"

"What are you doing?"

"I am sifting through all of the shitty unhealthy junk that is our excuse for food."

"Hey! I like cocoa puffs!" Tonks grumbled as her preferred cereal sailed into the trashcan. Next to a very suspicious large gold locket. Ooooooooooh (SEVENTH BOOK SPOILERS! Boogie Boogie) Okay sorry couldn't resist. Anyway.

"Uh…Sirius, we need to eat."

"Eat healthy then."

"I don't like Apples."

"Tuff Noogies."

"Sirius you haven't said that since you were twelve. Which even by your math is seven years ago."

"Shut up."

On cue, or not, Bill popped out of nowhere, again.

"So, where have you been?" Sirius asked nonchalantly.

"Oh, doing paperwork and other boring not interesting things, you know, stuff that you just don't care about. "

Remus and Tonks exchanged a glance.

"Hey Bill, there's something we need to talk about…" Tonks began.

"Uh…what for?"

"Well, when I'm not home…do me a favor. When you shag on my bed, please change the sheets."

"That's some paperwork." Sirius said as Bill blushed.

"So, changing topic, you guys got anything to eat."

"Not anymore."

"Ha, that's ridiculous… Where's your food?"

"I threw it out."

"WHAT? WHY?"

"I'm old and therefore I refuse to become a fat old geezer. We are going on a diet."

"You sure you're not gay?"

"I'm not sure of anything anymore…"

"Oh come on, you're not that old. How old are you now? 39? 40?"

Sirius looked horrorstruck.

"50? Kidding…it is 38 right?"

"ARGH!" Sirius ran from the room, grapefruit in tow.

"He's 35 Bill."

"Oh. Shit"

"Yeah, you've seriously just made life VERY difficult for us."

"Heh…heh heh…"

"Ugh. Men."

"So he is gay right?"

"Er…" Remus and Tonks exchanged glances. "Uh…."

"Aha! I knew he wasn't drunk that night…okay I'm going to go home and eat snickerdoodles…bye!"

"My cousin is a whore…" Tonks groaned.

"Its ok Tonks he's always been a whore."

"Yeah that makes me feel loads better. Now lets go upstairs and see if we can't convince Sirius that he is not old because you look ten years older then he does so how can it be bad?"

Remus glared. "Do I really look 46?"

"Ah…"

"Oh, my God!" Remus breathed. "I'm old!"

"Oh…that's not quite what I meant. Er—"

"Sirius! Don't eat all that grapefruit on your own!" In a shockingly un-middle aged motion, Remus bounded up the stairs to Sirius's room, dragging along a disgruntled Tonks.

"Shit. What have I done?" she mumbled as they crashed through Sirius's doors and hurtled onto his bed where Sirius was sitting cross-legged, mumbling and eating grapefruit.

"Padfoot!" Remus said breathlessly. "I'm old!"

"I know. Me too. Come, let us share our misery."

"Good grief," Tonks said as the two men on the bed began simultaneously cramming grapefruit and green tea down their throats. "Um, guys? GUYS!"

They glanced up. "What?"

"First of all, this is IDIOTIC!"

"It is not—"

"Shut up. I'm not done yet. Second of all, Sirius, you haven't gained weight in the last twenty years."

Sirius stopped in mid-munch. "Ah—oh. That's right, isn't it?" He slowly lowered his cup of tea and the half masticated grapefruit.

Remus copied his actions, looking pensive. "I've lost weight in the last twenty years."

"Fuck you!"

"Sorry," he said sheepishly, stretching out his legs. "So do I really look that old?"

Sirius thoughtfully scrutinized his friend's appearance. "Nah. It's just the hair."

Remus' and Tonks' hands flew up to pat the aforementioned hair down. "It's your fault, you know," Remus huffed.

"What? How?"

"You know…getting a flying motorcycle…getting jailed…almost murdering a best friend…getting snide with Snape…on the run…still on the Ministry's most wanted list…you've got to stop scaring me like that!"

"Oh. I'm sorry," Sirius said, beginning to clean his toenails with a razor blade.

"You both just have self-image issues," Tonks said reasonably. "You need to work get over your insecurities." Wow…Tonks is Dr. Phil…moving on….

"Yeah," Sirius said distantly. Suddenly, a grin began to creepily creep over his face. "Wait. I've an idea."

"Oh, dear."

"Well, I think—oh. Ow. Fucker," he said as he absently cut his toe off. Remus pointed wildly.

"See?" He shouted, erratically waving his wand at the toe until it zoomed back onto the foot. "This is exactly what I was talking about!"

"Oh, relax, Remus," Sirius said, continuing to remove dirt with the razor. "Anyway, I was about to suggest that we give you a makeover."

"Why would we do that?" Remus queried. "Tonks is perfect."

Tonks smiled in satisfaction. "Thank you. I've been telling everyone that for years."

"I wasn't talking about Tonks," Sirius said impatiently.

"Oh?" Remus looked behind him, expecting to see Buckbeak or some other fourth party that he hadn't noticed in his grapefruit frenzy. "Wait…me?"

"Yes you. Who else is there?"

"What's wrong the way I look now?"

"Ok darling." Sirius began going into gay mode. "Number one, the hair. Number two, your wardrobe, number three, your self esteem."

"Um…I have self esteem…and the wardrobe I can't help, I mean…I'm broke."

"What do you think I'm supposed to do with the thousands of galleons that I've got sitting in the bank?" Sirius asked. "Well other then buying Harry all those brooms. Ah I'm such a great godfather."

Remus and Tonks exchanged a look for the third time today.

"Lets go SHOPPING!" Sirius said happily.

"Okay, one, you're still a convict and two, are you sure that you're not gay?"

"Shut up, we can still shop."

"How?"

"We're wizards, we'll figure it out somehow."

"Right…"

"I can't trust you two to shop for him, Tonks has terrible taste and Remus won't want to spend any money. You NEED me."

"But HOW will you come with us?"

"However I got into Diagon Alley to buy Harry the Firebolt. I mean honestly, how DID I do that?"

Sirius mused for a moment staring at the ceiling. "Whoa, how did that spot of Pumpkin juice get up there?"

"Uh…I don't think that's pumpkin juice."

"Oh eew, projectile vomit."

"I don't think its that either."

"Oh yuck…ok enough!"

"TOMORROW WE SHOP!"

"He is SO gay."

"Shut up Tonks."

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Hey! So did we like? Yet again, deepest apologies for taking so long to update, we will try to be a bit quicker about it next time. Oh and by the way, we know that this is completely off topic, but living in New York has its benefits… WE SAW TAYE DIGGS! Now if you don't know who that is, 1. Go rent Rent. It is very good, he is Benny. 2. Look him up NOW he is very hot, after 3.reviewing! Okay that's all folks, thanks for any reviews and we'll see you next time!