Disclaimer: Still don't own 'em. Just borrow for my own imaginational purposes.

Author's Note: Well, I hope I didn't scare anyone off with the sadness. This is actually one of my favorite stories, sadness included. But I love writing the sweet flashbacks and whatnot. Oh well. Review aren't everything. Oh, and just so everyone knows, I might be changing the rating of this one if I take it the way I want to. Just fair warning.

babygirl2006 - Thank you. I'm very honored you like all my stories. And I do plan on continuing this one. I hope I don't let anyone down with it, heh.

Part 3

"Did I disappoint you somehow? Was being with me not what you had expected? Did I let you down? I never wanted to let you down. Please, please just tell me so I can move on," Spencer cried.

Ashley stared back, silent, unmoved.

Spencer angrily swiped at her unrepentant tears, "You know you were my everything. My hopes, my fears, my heart all wrapped up into one celestial body. Why did I just give up on that? Why didn't we even try to fight?"

Ashley still didn't speak. In fact, she didn't move at all.

Spencer sighed and breathed in a ragged breath of air, giving in. She took one last long look at the picture in her hands, Ashley staring off into space, unaware that the picture had been snapped. Finally Spencer pulled the picture to her, kissing it gently before putting it back in the box.

It had become a ritual. Twice a week Spencer spoke to the picture pleading for answers, breaking down, confessing her undying love, or simply giving voice to the ever growing memories. It was undeniably painful looking at that picture. She knew there was no answers coming, she knew it changed absolutely nothing. But there was a comfort in that pain.

Tonight she had done it before heading out to a party. Aiden had pleaded with her to show up, they hadn't spoken in awhile and he claimed he missed his friend. Spencer would only go if he gave his word Ashley wouldn't be there.

Showing up at the party and seeing her old friend in front of her was harder then she had expected. Aiden would always be connected to Ashley in Spencer's mind, almost the male form of the girl. Spencer had given up almost everything that could be tied back to her only love, and that included most people. She only held on to one picture and one love letter Ashley had written full of lyrics to song just for her.

Aiden smiled at her and Spencer could almost hear Ashley whispering in her ear "Look at that body, look at that smile, it just screams repressed homosexuality."

She gave a desperate laugh, her hand flying to her mouth to try and stop the hysterics that seemed to seep from her every pore. She allowed Aiden to envelope her into a hug, her head against his chest, hoping he wouldn't see her fighting off the tears. She hugged him back desperately, never wanting to let go because she knew when she pulled away Ashley wouldn't be there over his shoulder making goofy faces. Ashley wouldn't be there waiting to wrap Spencer up in her own hug, whispering words of love the whole time. When he did finally let go she kept her eyes closed for just a bit longer, breathing ragged, heart pounding heavily.

They walked around the party together, catching each other up on life, Aiden bragging about the number of women he had managed to already bag at school, Spencer deftly avoiding any mention of relationships after Ashley. Spencer found it odd that she didn't really have the ability to focus on the conversation. She began to chant Ashley's name in her head during Aiden's stories. She loved the feeling of her heart constricting every time she repeated it. It was bruise she couldn't help but poke. A scab she couldn't help but pick at.

Feeling disgusted with herself she tried to focus back on Aiden, but he spoke of sex and girls, a concept Spencer angrily knew he really understood little of. Sure, he had had sex. But he'd never reached the pinnacle of sex with a woman. He spoke of his prowess, not of becoming one with a person, transcending the bed, leaving the world around you, touch becoming an actual religious experience. Spencer felt herself die every time Ashley brought her to the edge, and she would then be reborn once again in Ashley's arms. Ashley's lips murmuring her name breathing the very life back into her.

She remembers a big fight they had. They didn't talk for almost a week before Aiden set up an "accidental" meeting at the club.

"I ended up being more angry with myself than you, but for some reason it was easier to lash out at you, ya know?" Ashley says. They're standing by Aiden's car, but the boy has already gone in to give them some time alone.

Spencer nods, she does understand that. "I don't like us not talking. My life without you is hollow. I feel empty, like all that made living important is gone."

Ashley holds her close and Spencer can hear the pounding of her heart. "Sometimes I'm scared by how much I love you, Spence. It makes me do crazy things, like push you away. But God I do love you, always and forever."

"Forever is an awfully long time," Spencer informs her girlfriend.

Ashley just grins, "It better be."

Spencer kisses her again, pushing her back into the door of the car. She feels Ashley's hands under her shirt, stroking her back and feels that familiar pull in her body.

"I want you now," she whispers and opens Aiden's car door.

Ashley is still just grinning. Spencer pulls her into the car and loses herself slowly to the sensation of Ashley's lips as Ashley's body covers hers.

It was the first time they had sex in anything other than a bed. It certainly wasn't the last.

"We had sex in the back of your car when it was new," Spencer informed Aiden.

"Who?"

Spencer flinched and dropped her head when she realized she spoke aloud. She knew Aiden was looking down at her with pity now and she hated it. She hated the conversation she knew was coming next. It was always the same old song and dance. All she ever got out of these conversations was that no one had ever loved like she and Ashley loved, because no one seemed to understand what it is she really had lost.

"You need to move on Spencer, it's time. It's been time. I moved on from Ashley, I know it's hard, but it can be done."

Spencer looked up Aiden at last. "You didn't love her. I did. I do. She was the one Aiden. She really was the one."

Getting up Spencer walked away, needing a chance to breathe again without his smell clogging up her senses. She knew he was only trying to help, everyone who caught her in a weak moment was just trying to help. The problem was she was slowly losing her well practiced calm. Her memories of Ashley came more often and always left her in more pain than before. Her friends and family had every right to be worried. She was worried for herself. But the pain of Ashley was all of Ashley that remained for Spencer.

She felt Aiden's hand on her shoulder. "Phantom pains," she murmured.

Aiden raised his eyebrow in silent question.

"When a piece of you, a body part, is cut off for whatever reason, you might have phantom pains. It's pain where that part was supposed to be, but isn't anymore, so logically you shouldn't be having the pain, you just do. Ashley was more than just my girlfriend Aiden. She was a part of me, as much a part of me as my arms, my legs. She's gone, but my body doesn't get that. My body yearns for her, needs her, wants only her. But my head, my head knows she's gone. It leads to pain. That pain leads to an emptiness, a blackness, that takes me over. In my head I know that's scary, I know. But as soon as someone finds a way to break it to my body, as soon as someone finds a way to return my heart, then we can talk again."

"You talk about her like she died. But she's alive and well, and you two could probably be friends again."

Spencer looked up at the boy, shocked by his inability to see the truth. "We never were friends. In some way we were always intimate, we were always all the other ever needed. The way we fit together we were made to be lovers. Ashley Davies is not dead, you're right. But my Ashley, Spencer Carlin's Ashley is. So let me mourn that Aiden. Let me mourn that in peace."

Finished with her speech, and in the back of her mind Spencer noted it was more than she has said in a very long time, she walked away from Aiden. She was ready for more hollowness. She felt drained by speaking, by people, by being forced to feel things. She controlled her pain, no one else. She now embraced her comfortable hell as much as it embraced her. Spencer found herself in a quiet part of the house and made herself comfortable in the corner.

Reaching into her pocket she pulled out a small tab of paper and stared at it for a long time. A moment of peace came in a pretty small package these days. Giving up and giving in Spencer slipped the tab onto her tongue and closed her eyes, waiting for the ride to begin.