Chapter 86

Doug folded up his clothes and walked out of the bathroom. He set his things in the corner and slipped on the sweatshirt. He felt better now that he was warmer although his head pounded from the beating it took an hour or so ago. He sat down on the couch and lay down with his feet off the couch so he wouldn't come close touching Anna. It wasn't very comfortable but he didn't want to make her nervous and he was tired. "I guess what I was trying to ask was if you wanted to keep the baby or not...or give it up for adoption...or keep it for good." Doug certainly had a preference but he wasn't going to say it unless she asked him. His opinion didn't really matter; she was going to do what she wanted to no matter what he said. He was just trying to be involved to let her know he was behind her.

Anna got up off the couch and moved into the recliner next to the fireplace. As she tried hard to get comfortable. "Ah hell, be right back." She got up off the chair and went into the bathroom. She washed her hands staring at herself before walking back out. And situating herself in the chair again. "Sorry about that." Her voice was low and soft now, as she sighed, "you're opinion matters to me Doug, I...I haven't made a decision yet about what I want to do, what do you want? Hearing that might help me make up my mind."

Doug laid his feet out on the couch as she got up. His throat started to get tight when she asked him what he wanted. He was glad her tone had changed...she seemed more like he remembered her, calm and caring. He exhaled deeply before answering. "I'm only going to say my opinion once, cause that's all you need to hear it. This is your choice and I'll support you no matter what you choose to do. But having said that..." it was hard for him to admit, Doug was almost ashamed for some reason. "I can't have another kid. Not right now. I love my daughters...they're the best thing that's ever happened to me. But, I can barely keep my life straight and I'm in charge of theirs too. It's really scary when you think about it..." he cleared his voice quickly and squirmed in the couch. It was harder than he thought. "I can't mess up another person's life. And I don't want to be responsible for doing that to you or the baby..."his eyes started to fill with tears as he thought about what he was really afraid of. It was hard to tell her but she needed to know. "I'm afraid that one day, several years down the road, our child is going to be beautiful...and wonderful...but when you look at them all you'll think is 'god damn it Doug why'd you ruin my life?' that this child's going to be a constant memory for you of me...and that you're going to hate me for it." whether it sounded real or not that was one of his greatest fears, and he didn't want it to come true again...like it had before with his son. Yet another thing Anna didn't know.

She put her head in her hands now. Quietly thinking trying to pull herself together before she looked at him, "there's no easy solution for this, no quick fix. No matter what I do, no matter what is decided someone is going to get hurt." She said softly, "I can't be responsible for taking someone's chance at life away; if I decide to keep the baby I'm going to hurt you."

Doug let a tear fall from his face. "It really doesn't matter Anna. I want what's going to make you...happy. If having a child is going to do that, I'll be there to hold you hand if you want...or I'll be on the first plane to Seattle tomorrow. All you have to do is ask and I'll go...anytime." Doug really would do it for her...in a heartbeat. It would break his heart but he did love her that much. "I just don't want to be one of those guys who knocks someone up and leaves them to deal with it. I owe you more than that...and you mean more than that to me. I just know how you're going to look at me after your life changes. I saw it with Meg." he had to tell her. She might understand better if he did. "I was in pre-med school and I knew her from Kentucky. She was the pastors daughter...I got her pregnant and she wanted to keep the baby. She didn't want me but she wanted my son. I thought I could live fine without knowing about them but now it's like a hole. I look at pictures my mother had... he must be 17 now...and I think what if I had stayed there? Would his life be better or worse if he had a father? If he had me as a father."

She found herself flying out of the chair and wrapping her arms around him. "You haven't screwed up my life." She said pulling back to look at him, "and I wouldn't be happy if you left, ever." She chewed on her lip for a minute, "this is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make. When I said I didn't need you, I was upset and angry. I thought that this was the last thing you needed to worry about right now. I just," she had to look away from him, "I just don't know what to do."

Doug put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her to lean against him. "You'll know...when the time comes, you'll know in your heart what to do. I wish I could make the choice for you but I can't." he kissed the top of her head and put his other arm around her. After a second he moved her so he sat behind her. "You feel this?" he asked. It hurt to say it because last time they were both so happy and now they were apart but it still held true. "See where i am? I'm right behind you. And no matter what, you'll always have me there when it comes to this. You can call me anytime and I'll be over in a second...even if we hate each other...I'll always have time for you."

"I might get mad at you, but I could never hate you." She said softly. It was breaking her heart to be laying there in his arms no longer his. "You are my best friend..."

Doug had to let her go when she said that. Tears were welling up in his eyes. He moved to the side of the couch and ran his hands down his face. "You know the last person who said that to me was Mark..." he said in a shaky voice."I don't have that many friends...that means a lot that you would say that...more than you know." he looked at her until he felt a tear fall down his face. He immediately turned his head and looked down at his feet. Here she was being pregnant and having him yell at her two hours ago and now he was the one who was crying. "I'm sorry...this is stupid..." he said wiping his eyes.

She moved in front of him so that she was now between his feet, "it's not baby." She could have kicked herself for saying that but she would always love him even if she couldn't say it right now. She put her hand on his chin so that she was looking into his two now black eyes. "You will always be my friend. Granted I haven't acted like it over the past couple of days, but you are."

Doug looked at her beautiful face. Why couldn't he tell her how much he loved her? His eyes moved down to look at her lips. He closed his eyes and slowly leaned forward until they were only centimeters apart. His body had acted before his brain again. Once it caught up he straightened up before their lips touched. He didn't want to take advantage of her right now...not like this. This wasn't how they needed to get back together. "I'm sorry...I should probably go." he said leaning back into the couch, his eyes still locked onto her face. He knew her mind was as messed up as his. He would never feel secure in their relationship if this was the reason they had gotten back together.