Disclaimer: I don't own Boku no Hero Academia

Chapter 181:

Midoriya Izuku lowered his phone he just checked again and his teeth ground in anger at the message he just received back from Zach. I told him not to! He went to the front office and got a pass out of school, something which was easier and did not require much time in advance for the third years the school trusted the most to make their own safe decisions. There's no way he could get to Musutafu this quickly- I should have said I was going to Shiketsu. I wanted to talk but-

Kayama Nemuri watched the student she gave a pass to go, and she felt hesitant at the look on his face that was unlike Midoriya's usual expressions. "I need a pass to go see Zach." He sounded frustrated even as he told me. Looks like you're struggling with your heart there, but that makes you going out to deal with it anyway so impressive! Midnight's cheeks got red as she watched the broad back of their strongest student as he headed out of the school.

Midoriya did not have to walk far from U.A. to see his classmate who was walking his way from the direction of Musutafu General, where Midoriya was walking himself. "Thought you wanted to meet at the-"

"You went to the hospital again," Midoriya said, his voice full of frustration. I text you to talk, and you go bring a couple people back to life! Why?! Why is there that kind of pressure on just talking to me-

"I told you, I do it so that I can get here faster as it's an emergency," Zach said without sounding regretful or apologetic in the least. He started running, and Midoriya sprinted after him to get on Zach's side and in front of him as they ran, Midoriya unable to keep the same smile that Zach put up for running around in the daylight of mid-afternoon. "What did you want to talk about though-"

"You can't just keep doing that," Midoriya scolded, his voice angered as Zach tried to just skim past it like the other times.

"What's your deal?" Zach asked, turning towards his curly-haired friend who looked back at him with wider eyes for a second because of Zach's tone. His eyes narrowed after that moment though as they continued running down the sidewalk together, but he stayed quiet as they were passing some people who spun in surprise and called out at the two heroes who rose fake smiles because of their looks.

"'Why?'" Midoriya repeated, as the two of them ran closer to a park that Zach had wanted to meet Midoriya in in the first place. "How do you not get it? How do you do something like this so casually?!"

"Save people?" Zach asked back, his voice confused and his eyes raising in annoyance at his former classmate.

"Treat people's lives like, like they're tools for you," Midoriya countered with his eyes accusing Zach of what he was saying. He searched to see if Zach would deny it, and he saw a hurt look in Zach's eyes at the accusation but it did not do much for him. They ran into the park and then slowed down as Midoriya turned more fully to Zach, and he said in a low and frustrated voice, "A long time ago, All Might told me that a hero could only save people in their reach. And, and that stuck with me."

"Midoriya," Zach began, starting to shake his head.

"And it hurt me so much when Bakugo and you were within my reach those times but I failed to save you! But Zach," Midoriya paused and his teeth ground in so much anger at how nonchalant Zach had been about this. "Those people are always within your reach and you do nothing!"

Zach's expression hardened and his face was stoic showing no emotion. "Zach-" Midoriya started, but he felt like saying anything would not mean much to his classmate who turned his expression so stoney and emotionless like that. "Why won't you take this seriously?" Midoriya asked, his face so pained at the way Zach was looking like he did not care about this at all.

"Because I know better!" Zach yelled at his friend next to him who just stared at him in confusion for that kind of answer. "And because you don't know what you're talking about!"

Midoriya hesitated for a second, then he countered strongly, "I do though. Because I see you so often, and I know what you've been doing more than anyone else… And I know I would be saving more people than just the ones I had to, in order to make quicker trips between cities." Midoriya's voice was low and accusing, and Zach's eyes shadowed over for a moment with his head bowing a bit as they stood there on a trail in a park in Musutafu.

Fuck. I feel so shitty right now, again, Zach looked to his side at the boy next to him waiting for a reply. I don't even care though. Geez, my stomach's killing me. Bringing those two people back didn't do shit for helping it. It exacerbated it if anything. "Well?" Midoriya asked as Zach was just staring at him silently.

"I'm not that good a person," Zach responded. "I guess, I just don't care-"

"That's not true," Midoriya started countering.

"If I was that good a person," Zach spoke over his friend. "I wouldn't have come back. If I was still that kind of a person, I would leave you again and just spend every day bringing back the dead," Zach narrowed his eyes at Midoriya and then cracked a small carefree smile that had his friend staring at him in disbelief. "But that's not what I want to do."

Midoriya was shocked by the response he never expected to hear. He expected some denial, or Zach pushing that he was doing the best he could, or something. Not this. Zach eased his dark expression even more at the shocked look on Midoriya's face at his responses. He took in and then let out a deep breath, and he put his hands down in his sweatpants' pockets as he started walking down the trail again. "Why did I live and so many others die?" Zach wondered.

"Huh?" Midoriya turned his head, then he realized he was falling behind and picked up his feet to speed-walk until he was at Zach's left side and could walk at a slow pace right next to him. Zach looked to his left out the corners of his eyes and said softly, "I was already on my second life. I knew I was dead. So why did I live?" He turned back forward and answered just as simply, "It doesn't matter. The 'why' really isn't important, as much as it plagues me. What does matter though is that so many people didn't make it. My friends died, and they never got to live their lives that they all told me they wanted to live after the war."

Zach's teeth clenched as he bit down hard, keeping the faces of those he was talking about from creeping into his head. His stomach hurt even more as he pushed them out, and he cleared his throat before continuing, "Ah-hmm, they-" his teeth bit down again and he shook his head angrily, turning it a bit towards Midoriya and looking at him in that angry way. "I'm living for everyone who isn't here right now. The ones who would have lived lives worth living, who wanted to, and who wanted me to. They loved me, and I couldn't stop fighting. I couldn't take a break, and they all knew how much it weighed on me." Zach looked back forward and said in a pained voice, "They told me to break. They reminded me to be human, to live."

His voice got softer there as he said that, and he stopped walking for a moment as he thought so sadly, It's what Ms. Calico told Cee. "It's what Monoma told me when I was revived. He told me to live, and I want to live. My living a life worth living though," Zach continued in frustration, turning his eyes back towards Midoriya again. "Requires me not to spend every day, every minute, focused on how my Quirk could be saving dozens of people an hour. If I was focused on it, I could go out and save hundreds a day."

As much as Midoriya somewhat understood part of what Zach was saying, hearing him mention that at the end there made his fists ball tightly at his sides. "Even a single hour though. If you took one hour out of your day, instead of just saving a couple people because you decided to fly to Musutafu instead of taking the train?! You could save dozens of people in that hour, by your own words!"

"I'm not going to do that though," Zach said back coldly. "No one would stop me," he continued. "And that's why you're so mad," he said it in a knowing tone and Midoriya got an even angrier look on his face with no denial over it. "Because people are letting me do it and yet I'm not doing it anyway. They're ignoring my actions and letting it go as a loophole, and yet I'm just doing it the minimal amount. That's why you're so upset."

Midoriya started shaking his head, but he stopped and then lowered his gaze from Zach's face. What can I say to him? No one can force him to change, but- But the old Zach would rush out of the dorm for the slightest chance to go out there and bring someone back to life. Even though he was scared of Kurogiri and the League getting him back! I would have too though, and I know I still would myself! Because if I had Zach's power I would be saving so many more people who heroes couldn't reach on time. People whose families are crying at their sides. The heroes crushed as they couldn't save them! Midoriya's expression covered in much more anger again, "So many people are hurt right now. They get hurt every day, because you decide not to save them. And you don't have to! No one can force you to… but you told me you're trying to be a hero! That's not what a hero would do!"

Zach's expression darkened more but he just started shaking his head at what Midoriya was telling him. Midoriya glared harder at the side of his face though at the sight of that head shake, and he started again, "Right now instead of having this talk you could be-"

"You don't understand!" Zach yelled back at Midoriya, his voice not low or hidden at all. He just yelled it at Midoriya with a real look of anger over his face that Midoriya stared at in surprise before starting to shake his head again which had Zach purse his lips so hard. "I-" Zach began. He stopped though. He stopped and he looked away and kept walking with his lips flat and emotionless. "I'm not that good a person. And I did come back to be a hero. That means I can't be the kind of person I was before though."

Midoriya's eyes grew wider at that defense countering what he said about how the old Zach would feel and do things. Zach said darker, "I can't sacrifice anything and everything for the sake of the world, like I used to be able to. I won't. Not Darling, not you," he added with a look to his side at the friend he was talking to instead of doing those things Midoriya wanted him to spend his time doing.

"Not anyone I care about or any of my goals and selfish desires-" Zach continued while looking back forward.

"Heroes can sacrifice, they do sacrifice all-"

"Sacrifice? What do you know about sacrifice?" Zach asked skeptically with a look to his side at his friend who opened his eyes wide at that cold question Zach wondered at him. "Anything? Your good nature and trustworthiness, I guess, because you lie all the time to people around you about your Quirk. You accept that because you think it's necessary though, even if I don't," Zach muttered at the end while Midoriya stared at him with shaking eyes and feeling like he just got punched in the chest. "It hurts, but it's a sacrifice you're willing to make. Same thing with the pain your Quirk used to cause you, sacrificing your own body for the sake of helping people. But Midoriya, all heroes do that." Zach looked to him and shook his head, "Every single one goes out there knowing they can die, and that's them putting their bodies on the line, but they can't sacrifice anything. They need to protect everything, at all times, and smile while doing it. Unwavering pillars who either win a total victory or die trying. That's what heroes have to be."

"Heroes don't always win," Midoriya said sternly back at Zach, as every word out of his mouth as diminishing the acts of all heroes everywhere. His eyes were dark and angered with his friend who turned back to him and met that gaze unwaveringly.

"And people call them out on every small mistake though," Zach countered. "And those mistakes become who those heroes are. They define a hero's career. One failure. One slip up. And so heroes can't accept any losses, needing to win everything whenever they fight without sacrificing a single thing! Unless it comes to their own well-beings, because that's the one thing the rest of these people are okay with us sacrificing."

"And you don't think that's right?" Midoriya asked harshly and with his voice raising as Zach said that. "It's the job we chose-"

"Of course I know it's right!" Zach called back at him, then he opened his mouth again but rose up his left arm fast and covered his mouth with it. "Ack, ka-kuh, shit," Zach shook his head around and lowered his arm that Midoriya looked at oddly before raising his confused and still upset look back to Zach's own frustrated face. "You think, I'm not doing the same fucking thing? Bringing people back hurts like hell, and I still do it. And not just the physical toll. All those things I don't think about because I need to smile," Zach shook his head at his friend who opened his eyes wider at what Zach was saying now. "Because it's not just our physical states that don't matter as much as the people we're saving, but my mental health doesn't mean shit compared to saving someone's life. That's how I feel! Saving one person is more important than however fucked up I get-" Zach paused and he heaved in a few breaths before shaking his head with so much frustration as his friend stared at him in more confusion than ever at what Zach was saying.

"I'm not going to die a hundred times a day," Zach whispered, turning back forward and calming himself down to regain a stoic expression in a single instant. He spotted people ahead of him down the sidewalk who were staring at Deku and Lifebringer in shock, though neither had phones or cameras raised to their luck. Zach forced out a smile and still spoke in a dark voice, "I'm not going to give up my name and my soul and my humanity. There are things I'm not willing to sacrifice anymore. They may not be the same as what others aren't giving up, but a hero can't just sacrifice everything, right? That's some defense to it, right? Who knows?" Zach's smile was so unconvincing to the people down the sidewalk who turned away and headed the opposite direction of the black-haired teen who stopped walking and just bit down in fury at the looks he saw before they turned.

I'm terrifying to look at. "If you really, aren't feeling okay," Midoriya started while stepping behind Zach and staring nervously and in a pained way at his friend's back. "Then-"

"I'm stable," Zach growled. "But, it pisses me off when you don't know anything but act like you do." Midoriya paused and his eyes lowered for a second too before raising back up, locking with Zach's as his old friend turned sideways to look back at him. "When the chips are down and the choice you make has a million lives on the line, what are you willing to sacrifice?" Zach asked it darkly, but his voice also had an apologetic tone in it that made Midoriya think deeper into the question. Zach continued as he saw Midoriya's face shifting more thoughtfully, "How much are you actually willing to sacrifice when it comes to it?"

The question was asked so softly and it made Midoriya freeze in place. The green-haired teen tensed up, his muscles clenching and his eyes raising in a darker way at Zach as the anger all returned to his face. I know what you're suggesting. If a "million lives" are on the line, you want to know if I'd kill a man. You want me to say that I would right now! You're suggesting that if a million people could be saved by killing someone, I wouldn't do it! He's trying to get me to say I'd kill someone. Or sacrifice my friends, Midoriya's face twisted in even more frustration, and anger, "…But my own troops were more disposable than heroes."

"Maybe you are right, about something," Midoriya started. "But if it came down to it, I would look for the third option. Not sacrificing anyone. Not killing anyone to save others, not letting anyone die, just to save someone else."

"And if you couldn't-"

"I'd make a way," Midoriya said strongly back without hesitation. "It's accepting the need to kill in certain situations that leads you to do so when those situations arises. If you never accept the need, if you never even consider it, you'll look for the better way and fight to find that way until you find it!"

Zach's eyes clenched shut and his teeth ground over each other, the worst feeling filling him as he felt sicker than he had in… When Shindeki Buda had me, how fast was I to accept that I needed to kill him? If I had just waited. If I had just looked for another way from that very first time… He's right. As much as he's wrong about some of the time, I have no idea because I don't know what the outcomes would have been if I didn't sacrifice. If I didn't kill, if I didn't torture, if I didn't let my friends die… I don't know what would have happened. I can imagine things would have been worse. It's how I want to imagine things. It's the only way I'd be able to imagine things, if I even tried imagining them.

"Maybe," Zach muttered. He accepted it in a low voice and nodded with what Midoriya said. "And that's, that's what I'm trying now. To be the person, who doesn't consider those darker options. Who looks to fight, with only victory in mind. Not a single thought of a partial victory, where I lose some things but in the overall it's a win. Like, so many of my previous victories were." Zach lowered his voice and said quieter, "That's why, I told you about King, out of all of them." Midoriya's eyes widened and Zach said while turning his head more and saying sadly, "The one instance which we could agree on, because I had a total victory. I didn't lose anything, and doing what I was doing, even a tiny loss meant I was doing something horrible. They weren't all like that though. And as I said, that was one day, and not even the only fight of that day."

"So how much did you really sacrifice?" Midoriya asked.

Zach looked away from his friend at his side and just shook his head. Midoriya's fists were clenched so hard at his sides, and so Zach could only respond, "You don't want to know."

Because then we'd have to fight each other. Neither of them knew it, but the other at their side had the same thought at the same moment.

On a Thursday morning in late February, Kotsumura looked over at an empty seat that was still empty even as Hazano sensei came in for first period. Everyone in the class stared towards the seat that had not been empty at this time since the first day of school when Zach came in late because of the attempt on his life.

Hazano said nothing as a few of his students pulled out phones, and he actually did himself too after a moment of wondering if he should just get started. No big news right now. It could just be starting. Why am I assuming though? Hazano shook his head around as his thoughts for seeing Sazaki's empty desk revolved on either Zach being attacked or Zach being missing because some huge villain incident was going on. Where is he then?

Kotsumura opened up his texts and then lowered his phone under his desk as Hazano started speaking to his class without addressing the empty seat in the room. He sent a message, but he felt a strange sensation in his chest and looked back over to that empty desk hesitantly. Zach?

A/N Thanks for reading...