Author's Note: A quick update (in relation to the last few anyway) because of all the wonderful reviews. I hope you like it. Picks up right where the last chapter left off.
Disclaimer: Don't own nada.
Part 7
By the time Ashley returned to her room Spencer had already helped herself to some dry clothes and stood staring at Ashley's box of mementos, seemingly transfixed by the sight. Ashley stood in the doorway a moment and felt her heart stop at the view in front of her. If this was a dream, she hoped she would never wake up.
She saw Spencer's body tense as she sensed her presence, but the younger girl still didn't look up from the box. It was as if she was caught in the web of memories Ashley herself has been woven only minutes earlier. No words were exchanged, no looks were even exchanged, but the air was palpable with necessary communication. It wasn't until Ashley stepped out of her closet, in dry clothes as well, that Spencer chose to speak again.
"Why did you come to visit me at the hospital?" she asked, still staring at the contents of the box.
Ashley cleared her throat, surprised by the question. "Because I needed to know you were okay."
Spencer nodded and seemed satisfied by the answer. But then she looked up and caught Ashley's eyes with her own. Those blue eyes were sharp and they pierced deep into Ashley's soul pulling out secrets and searching for deeper truths.
"I'm not, you know. Okay, that is," she said quietly.
"I know," Ashley whispered back suddenly wishing she were anywhere but here. She didn't want to do this anymore. A word from science class years ago suddenly popped into her head, entropy. That's all this could ever be. Order dissolving into disorder, inevitable deterioration. She wanted to tell Spencer to shut up. That maybe, just maybe, if they didn't speak and just were still then they could pretend everything was okay.
"I haven't been okay for a long time…not since…" Spencer continued, breaking into her thoughts.
"I know," Ashley repeated. She folded her arms across her chest to protect her heart from the sure to follow barrage of blame. Instead Spencer finally looked away and sat on the bed as far away from the box as she could.
"It's lonely in school without everyone. I even miss Madison. There's no one else worthy enough to detest. No one to keep me on my toes."
The sudden shift in topics caught Ashley off guard. Her arms dropped rapidly to her sides and she faltered with what she should say next. Her mouth fired off the first thing her brain came up with. "Have you been seeing anyone?" She bit her tongue a moment too late, the question out there. She mentally begged Spencer not to answer.
Spencer looked at her again and Ashley could have sworn she actually saw some mirth behind those eyes. "Seeing, no. Sleeping with, yes," she replied simply.
Ashley knew she didn't react to the words outwardly, she could be stoic if she wanted to be, but inside, if a heart could cry tears she was sure that would be the only explanation. She knew she had no right to feel betrayed since they were no longer together, and especially since she hadn't remained celibate since the break up either. But to have the words out there brought everything crashing back down to reality, someone else had touched Spencer. Someone else had heard the soft purring noises she made in response to the right touch. Someone else had seen the look of pure innocence that would flash across her face as she reached orgasm. These were moments that were supposed to be Ashley's alone.
Ashley pushed her palms against her eyelids and took a deep, shaky breath. She reflected on the irony of the situation. It was no secret from anyone that Spencer had never gotten over the break up where as Ashley had left and began again, free and clear in everyone's mind but her own. Yet here stood Spencer, demanding to clear the air, demanding closure, and Ashley was the one who was falling apart at the seams. What had happened to the girl she loved?
"Do you…umm…do you ever regret…" she began.
"Stop," Spencer interrupted, "Stop. You don't get to ask me that. You don't get to ask me about regrets. I know I'm not blameless in any of this. I know I said some horrible things to you," Spencer's voice shook for the first time, cracking at the word horrible, "horrible things that should never be said to anyone. But you're the one who just left Ashley. We might have been able to work it out, I would have apologized. I cried into your pillow for hours, wanting to die for hurting you. But you never came back. And the next day you left for good. You never even said goodbye. Didn't I even warrant a goodbye?"
Ashley finally removed her hands and looked at the girl on her bed. She saw the pain and accusation in Spencer's face but she was shocked to also find want and desire. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat but her chest just began to hurt instead. Her mouth opened to respond but then she just closed again. Simply saying Spencer deserved more than all the stars in the sky just didn't seem enough. It seemed trivial even to her.
Spencer was the first to look away again and her body seemed to shrink into the bed. She leaned her head into her arms, her elbows resting on her legs that hung over the side of the bed. She stared at the floor and again Ashley prepared herself for something big. The blonde's body language suggested she wasn't looking forward to the next admission.
"I think about you all the time," Spencer began, yet again shocking Ashley. Clearly she had no idea how any of this was supposed to go. "You are a ghost that haunts me. You are a memory that won't ever go away. I dream of you, I see you everywhere. But it's never really you. And then suddenly it was. You told me you wanted a new life and you got it while simultaneously breaking my heart. Why then do you get to come back into mine whenever you damn well please? It's not fair, Ashley. It's just not fair. I couldn't have just waltzed into yours!"
Spencer stood suddenly and whirled around to glare at Ashley who remained rooted to her spot leaning against her dresser. "What right do you have to come barging back into my life? What right? Do you even know what it was like for me?" She walked over to Ashley standing so close that the slightest movement on Ashley's part would have caused their bodies to collide.
Her voice rose in volume as she continued, "You left me! I lost the love of my life, the love of a thousand lifetimes. But even worse than that I lost my best friend at the same time. I had no one to talk to about it. No one who could understand," Spencer's hands seemed to accentuate every word with gestures and Ashley found herself remembering how soft those hands could be on her body. It wasn't that she didn't want to listen to what Spencer was saying, it was that she already knew the words by heart. These were the same words she used to berate herself time and time again. Spencer couldn't make her feel any worse than she already did.
Deep down she also knew that, in the end, it didn't matter what she said. Spencer had come here to vent to the one person who could understand her pain. She might think she needed answers, but all she really needed was to finally say the words that had been building up insider her. She was forcing Ashley to be the best friend she once was. So instead of listening to the actual words she tuned into the emotion behind them. And then slowly she began to slip back into her memories of soft skin and gesturing hands.
It's early in their friendship and while there's been no talk of anything more they're both aware of the longing gazes and lingering touches the other thinks she keeps well hidden. They're hanging out at a huge birthday bash Ashley's mother had thrown, not for Ashley of course but for the little boy of her latest boy toy. Her mother went all out for this, pony rides, a clown, a band, a magician, an ice cream mountain, a moon bounce, really everything Ashley could imagine. Ashley can't help but think it's ridiculous, but Spencer looks like a kid in a candy shop.
"So, you're enjoying yourself then?" she teasingly asks the blonde.
"Ashley, this is amazing! It's like a carnival in your yard. There's an ice cream mountain Ashley. Ice. Cream. Mountain. Is this what your parties were like as a kid?"
"No," Ashley says simply and she's angry at the sadness that manages to seep out with that one word.
Spencer's smile falters for a moment as she quickly looks over at Ashley. She takes a moment and then nodes resolutely and grabs Ashley's hand in her own. "Well then it is now. I don't have to celebrate you bring born on the actual day right? Who made that rule? This is your day, Ash. Have a happy one," she leans in and gives Ashley a small, hesitant kiss on her cheek.
The lips are soft and inviting, even in that split second. Ashley can't honestly say she hasn't thought about those lips before, but even in her wildest fantasies one simple kiss on the cheek has never made her feel so warm and happy. Spencer's hand still hold hers and she begins to pull her around looking at all the events and games, the ones that Spencer has deemed just for her.
Twenty minutes later they've at least looked at everything that's been set up before settling in to watch the magician who Ashley begrudgingly admits is pretty good. But she's more focused on Spencer who sits enraptured by the show before her. Ashley takes the time to really soak the girl in. Spencer has yet to let go of Ashley's hand but despite all the time in the heat her hand remains soft and dry. Ashley is amazed that she hasn't been electrocuted by the sparks that shoot through that touch.
Spencer suddenly laughs at something the magician has said and Ashley watches her face light up in happiness. It's an open and trusting look, one Ashley has never managed to master. The more Ashley watches this display of laughter the more she begins to fall for the younger girl. There's no lust behind this desire it's something Ashley has never experienced before. Ashley realizes that this is what people meant by being hit by a ton of bricks as she discovers she wants Spencer to always look this way, to always be so happy.
An uncontrollable laugh builds in Ashley's chest as the happiness spreads. The laugh bubbles out ridiculously but Ashley can't bring herself to care. Spencer looks over and gives her the special grin.
"Let's go dance," she suggests pulling Ashley across the yard.
Some faster song is beginning to play, an 80s song Ashley thinks. Spencer throws herself into the crowd and dances around her hair flying all over her face. Then she surprises Ashley by grabbing both her hands and pulling her in and beginning to sing.
"I used to think maybe you loved me, now baby I'm sure…" Ashley's uncontrollable laughter just grows as Spencer sings and flails their hands around. Taking her hands back she breaks into a few dance moves that Ashley could only describe as Spencer originals. Ashley finally gives in and joins the craziness reaching her arm around Spencer's midsection…
A sharp poke to her shoulder brought Ashley back to the present. The look on Spencer's face is a drastic change from the look in her memory and Ashley's heart breaks all over again realizing she had failed in her goal to keep Spencer happy forever. In her attempts to save Spencer pain in the future she'd caused pain in the present. It didn't make any sense, and Spencer was right, it wasn't fair.
Spencer's eyes remained boring into her own. The electricity between them literally crackled, the energy so intense. The more they didn't touch the more it built.
"Do you have anything to say?" Spencer asked. "Any words of explanation?"
Ashley bit her lip wishing there was something she could say, any words that could make up for her stupidity, her abandoning of the only thing in her pathetic life that mattered. But there was nothing. Nothing could make it better, maybe they could move past it, but nothing could make up for it. So she stopped trying to think of the right words, and just said the words that were in her heart.
"My life is split up into two time periods, Spencer and after Spencer. There's no before Spencer because everything that happened in my life before you were simply events leading me to you. I don't regret anything in that time before you. I do wish I could have had a better relationship with my parents, sometimes I wish that I hadn't made the choices I did, but I wouldn't go back and change them because they were the path to you."
Ashley's hand began to follow up Spencer's body without actually touching her. She felt the heat flowing from the girl's skin and drew some of it into herself as wet tears began to make their way down her face. "How did you become the strong one?" she asked, her voice suddenly scratchy.
Spencer just shook her head. "I'm not the strong one. You've always been the strong one. But I was going to die without an answer, Ashley. I was just slowly killing myself to make the pain stop. I just needed…"
"I know," Ashley interrupted, "but the only answer I have for you is that I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was saving you. I thought I knew it all. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry that I left you not being able to cope with the loss. I'm just so fucking sorry."
Spencer's eyes closed as she took in the words. With a nod she took a step back and turned away. Ashley immediately felt cold and lonely, the connection broken. Ashley became aware of the world outside of Spencer again, the rain still poured outside, the music still played softly. All of these things had been drowned out by Spencer's presence.
Spencer walked towards the bedroom door, mumbling something about getting Ashley's clothes back to her as Ashley desperately prayed for the strength to make her stop. Or the floor to just open up and swallow her whole. But it was Spencer who stopped, her hand on the door knob. There was a quiet sob as her body seemed to just lose strength and fall into the door. Her shoulders began to shake, the energy and strength she had brought with her to this confrontation gone at the last second.
Ashley was unsure what to do for a moment. They were both being swallowed up in their own pain. They both needed to be comforted. They both needed each other. Stepping forward she wrapped her arms around Spencer and pulled her into an embrace. Spencer's body continued to shake as she sobbed into Ashley's shoulder. Ashley listened to the music that filled the room and slowly began to sway along to the beat as both girls shared whatever strength they had left.
For a moment it didn't matter what happened when the song finished. This wasn't an ending, it wasn't a new beginning, it simply was the time out Ashley had wished for, time to heal. And for those three minutes and 48 seconds their bodies melted together, their souls overcame the physical, and it was how it was always supposed to have been, just the two of them in each other's arms. There was nothing else that mattered.
I turned around
Before I could run I found you already settled down in the back of my mind
I know this is just a customary feelin'
The moon is our deceiver that will leave you running blind
Your heart is pullin'
If I didn't know any better
I'd be fallin'
Deeper and deeper it's true
I'd hear it callin'
If I didn't know any better
And I'd be in love with you
Didn't want to
Look in the eyes of the one that I would be drawn to
I'm a moth lost in a fire
And I know this is just a beautiful illusion, a case of the confusion, between love and desire
Your heart is pullin'
If I didn't know any better
I'd be fallin'
Deeper and deeper it's true
I'd hear it callin'
If I didn't know any better
And I'd be in love
When the flame burns out
And fine'ly settles down
And you'd forget I ever came around
Your heart is pullin'
If I didn't know any better
I'd be fallin'
Deeper and deeper it's true
I'd hear it callin'
If didn't know any better
And I'd be in love with you
I turned around
Before I could run I found you already settled down in the back of my mind
-Alison Krauss, "If I Didn't Know Any Better"