Chapter 92

She waited until she was sure he was gone before she got up and walked into the bedroom, by the bed her ass... he left her two...she rolled her eyes as she walked over to the closet she reached in and pulled out an old shoe box. She pulled the lid off, "okay so what do we have in here..." she lifted out the prescription bottles, percocet, stadol, darvocets... her head and heart ached. Numb she just wanted to be numb right now. Stadol it was, that outta do the trick. She put the other bottles back into the closet and headed out to the kitchen to get a bottle of water before moving back to the bed. "Goodbye pain hello no feelings." She said to herself.

Doug found a YMCA and parked. After going through his trunk to find some shorts he walked in and changed. Being on a Sunday afternoon there weren't many people there. Just one blonde woman on a half court shooting free throws. Doug changed and laced up his tennis shoes. He didn't even give the woman a look as he grabbed a ball and jogged over to the other side. He tried to throw a lay up but everything was off. The ball smacked against the glass and came down. He shrugged it off and tried for some free throws. After missing five in a row he heard a smart ass voice behind him. "Your backspin's throwing you off." Doug turned around and shot the woman a look. "i know how to shoot thanks." after adjusting his spin this time the shot went in. "told ya" she said turning back around. Doug pretended to be annoyed. "Hey...like getting into peoples games do you?" she gave a cocky smile. "That's your game is it? Too bad, here i thought you looked like an athlete." with that she walked back over to her side of the court. Doug grinned as he noticed how pretty she was...and not overly young, more his age. "How about one on one then?" Doug asked after a minute

Anna went in and started to pick up the bedroom where Doug had been painting. Leave it to a man to start a project and not finish it. Her mind was going 90 miles an hour with everything that had happened now. And how dare he take her meds. It's not like she was some kind of drug addict. She just wanted to get thru the next couple of days. Her life was not his to mess with anymore. She wasn't his girlfriend; she wasn't the mother of his child. She wasn't anything. That realization hit her like a ton of bricks. She would find a way to get over her hang up with him. To be just his friend, but right now she had other things that she had to work thru first. She closed the door to the second bedroom and went back into hers as she tossed and turned trying to find a sleep that was far out of her reach. When she did manage to drift off, her sleep wasn't restful it was tormented. She moved from the bedroom back to the couch taking the two that he left and the bottle that she had pulled from the closet with her. She turned on the fireplace and laid down with a blanket over her to watch the flames dancing, and to sleep.

After forty five minutes of getting his butt kicked by a girl Doug gave up. "Ok, ok you win i loose!" he said out of breath.

The woman just smiled at him as she stuck out her hand. "My names Lynn Rodgers there ace. What about you?"

Doug stood up and tried his best to look pumped up. "Doug Ross." he said as he shook her hand. He checked his watch, it wasn't too late. "Hey...you think you might want to grab lunch? I haven't really had much to eat all day."

Lynn just smiled. "I don't know about that. I don't go on dates with strange men i just meet."

Doug just shook his head. "It's not a date. Let's just say I'm making amends for stinking so bad. I did just get better from a car accident ill have ya know." he joked.

"Oh I'm sure" Lynn spouted back debating whether or not to go with him. He was awfully cute. "Ok sure...but nothing too fancy."

Doug just nodded. "Sure, there is a bar down the street. Maybe i can take you in pool or something." he said as they walked for the door. They walked a few blocks together. Doug opened the door for her and they sat down and ordered some burgers. Lynn turned out to be fairly interesting. A writer for the Chicago times she was from Seattle and moved to Chicago for school. Doug laughed as he told her he did a little of the opposite. She seemed somewhat interested in him as their lunch wrapped up. "So...I'm not going to have to stalk the YMCA to meet you again am i?" Doug joked.

Lynn just shook her head. "No but if you give me your number i just might call you sometime."

Doug pulled the napkin from under his drink and wrote down his cell and house number for her before engaging her in more conversation. It was nice to get his head away from Anna for awhile. Although Lynn looked similar to her she was much taller and looked to have a more athletic build. after another half and hour they both wished each other well and Doug was on his way back to his jeep, very proud of himself for finding someone outside his normal range.

Anna woke with another start. The same dream. She got up and went into the kitchen. Nothing was easing any of this. She walked back to the couch with the JD bottle and sat down popping to more stadol chasing them with the whiskey. Maybe now she would be able to get some sleep. She closed the blinds before laying down making the room as dark as she possibly could. As she kicked back and closed her eyes. This was not the way that she imagined her life was going to go, not anywhere close to it. Where the hell was Doug and her pain meds. She still was upset that he had the nerve to walk off with them. She ran thru her mind the million and one things that she could say to him about it. Nothing like giving her time to plot and to stew.

Doug drove home happier than when he had left. Maybe finding someone outside of County, with similar interests was a good way to get over Anna. They certainly weren't going anywhere now. He made his way home and started to pick up a bit. After grabbing some of his reports and sitting down at his dinner table he made a quick grocery list and decided to go back out again. He needed to be around people, he didn't want to sit in his house alone. Doug jumped in his jeep and drove to the nearest Publix where he grabbed a cart and started to shop. He smiled as he stopped by the animal crackers. 'I have to grab a few of these' he thought

Anna got up off the couch, she picked up her cell phone and hit Doug's number, how dare he keep her waiting this long; she could take them every four hours. She took a swig out of the JD bottle while she waited for him to answer.

Doug felt his phone vibrate he as was looking at the animal crackers and smiling to himself. He flipped it open without looking at the caller id. "Doug Ross" he said in a cheerful voice.

"Glad that you are so happy." Anna said flatly into the phone, "did you forget about me? I'd really like to be able to take my PAIN MEDICATION. 2 every 4 hours Doug, I'd really like to have it, if it wouldn't inconvience you to bring it back to me."

Doug rolled his eyes as he looked at his watch. It was just past the four hour mark. "I'll be there soon." he said hanging up the phone. Boy she didn't sound like she needed it; either that or she was just really upset with him. Doug bought the few things that he had in a cart and decided to finish shopping later. After he packed them up in his jeep he made his way over to Anna's apartment. It was his luck that someone was coming out as he was going in. he slowly walked up the three flights, a little tired after his basketball game, and took a breath before knocking on Anna's door.

After hanging up the phone she had taken the cigarettes out of the nightstand, turned on her Evanescence CD and had gone out on to the half balcony that was outside her bedroom. She lit it slowly for some reason almost savoring it. She focused on the words coming from the song, 'I tried to kill the pain, but only brought more, so much more, I lie dying, pouring crimson regret and betrayal. I'm dying, praying, bleeding, screaming, am I too lost to be saved.' Those words echoed so true right now. She had watched him pull into the parking lot and she figured that he had come in when her neighbor had left. Her mind wandered away from her. Asking herself over again was she too far gone now. She could feel her life spinning out of control, and there wasn't a damn thing that she felt she could do to stop it. If she closed her eyes the nightmare never ended, awake now she was alone with her thoughts. He didn't need this; she didn't want him to see her this way, broken and falling. She really didn't want her best friend to watch her go thru this hell, all the hurt, the pain, the anger, what she wanted to hide most from him was all the fear and insecurities that she was feeling. Right now she felt as if she was a complete failure, she had failed as a wife; she had failed him as a friend, as a lover, and to do something as simple as to have a baby. Medicine was the only thing that she could do right. It would be so much easier to push him as far away from her as she could than to tell him what was going on. She wasn't going to dump this on him. The though of Kerry wanting her to see a shrink angered her. She didn't need to sit on a couch in a cold office explaining her life having someone else point out all her wrong doings, how messed up she and no one else had made things the way they were but her. She had tried that with Max, in a last ditch effort to try to fix things between them before she had given up on them all together. Doug would be able to move on, find someone better and more deserving of him, than her. In loving him, Anna had done nothing but brought him pain and misery, loneliness and heartache. She wasn't going to bring another man down. She heard a knock on her door snapping her from her thoughts and she wiped what tears were under her eyes, she'd pretend that everything was alright, that she was going to be okay. That none of this bothered it, it was killing her inside. She leaned back so that she was partially in the apartment, "its open Doug." She called trying to put some form of emotion into her voice. Forgetting that she had left a mess in the living room, the Demerol bottle, the JD still sitting on the coffee table...maybe it was her subconscious crying out for help, where she couldn't bring herself to admit she was heading down a road that would end for her ultimately in self destruction.

Doug heard her and walked in. He wasn't in a very good mood after their conversation on the phone and was dreading her reaction to him. He walked in and looked around for her. The first things his eyes saw was the bottle of jack daniels and two bottles of pills on the table. he walked over and looked at the name. they weren't even prescribed to Anna. his emotions started to throw him right then. he didn't know if he should go with his instinct to be pissed as hell or to comfort her. he held the bottles in his hands and walked over to her balcony. "what is this?" he asked in a harsh tone

She tuned to look at him, she looked him right in the eyes, and made a feeble attempt to hide any pain that was in her eyes and from her face," they are pain meds, narcotics."

Doug couldn't believe her. "Yeah i know...but they're not yours Anna. you cant friggin drink and take narcotics! are you out of your mind? this is the reason that i took that bottle away from you to begin with! you want to just throw your whole damn life away!" Doug couldn't help but yell at her. it made him furious that she wouldn't talk to him if she needed to. she had to turn to drugs and risk not only their work but both their reputations

She didn't raise her voice, she didn't yell, she wasn't sure how she was managing to stay so calm, "I'm not throwing my life away. Nobody gives a damn anyway. What do you care anyway?" She was quiet, "I'm nothing more than a friend to you."

Doug just about lost it. "What the fuck Anna! How the hell do you know what you mean to me? I wouldn't be over here if I didn't care what you did with your life. The fact that I'm this upset should let you know I care a whole lot!" Doug threw the bottles as hard as he could against the wall. They shattered on contact, the medication going everywhere. "Damn it don't tell me i don't care about you!" Doug wished he could tell her his feelings were deeper for her than just that of a friend but his anger was clouding everything.

She dropped to her knees covering her head. The sound of shattering bottles, the yelling, she wasn't there with Doug anymore. Her mind had flashback to another place in time. "You're right, you're right." She screamed out, "don't, please no!"

Doug just shook his head as he left her on the balcony. she was totally strung out. he stormed into her room and started to tear through her drawers for any signs of different meds. Doug threw her clothes on the floor as he looked through everything. he couldn't believe it had come to this.

She uncurled herself when the yelling stopped. He was tearing her bedroom apart. "What the hell are you doing?"

Doug stopped and turned to her "I'm going to find whatever else you're taking. This is going to stop here and now!" he said slamming her mattress down. Doug flung open the closet door and started to throw stuff out. he was bound and focused on finding what she had hidden.

"You're the one who has lost their mind Doug, knock it off, or you can leave right now." She said to him, "I don't need another big brother watching over me. I have enough of my own."

"Well then your brothers need to get their ass down here and fix this!" he yelled before he turned back around. he pulled at the top of her closet and a few boxes came down on him. they all opened up as they fell. most was just junk and pictures but Doug saw a bottle in the mess. he picked it up and walked over to her. Doug got into her face and gabbed her arm. "what the hell is going on? where did you get this? damn it tell me NOW!"

"I don't have to tell you a damn thing. Let go of me." She said trying to pull her arm free, "just who the hell do you think you are?"

Doug just held her arm tighter. He wasn't just going to let this slide. "I'm trying to look out for you since you cant do it for yourself...is this how you want to end up? Like Max of all people?"

"I am not some addict!" She snapped back at him she was so close to losing her temper hearing him compare her to Max it hurt, "I have it under control. Go ahead, tell me just how worthless I am, tell me that I am nothing, go ahead there's nothing stopping you."

"You're not nothing! You're just some drug seeking freak at the moment! Look I'm sorry you lost the baby but this isn't the way to handle it! Why don't you just get over it?" Doug really didn't mean that but he was far from rational thought

"Get over it." Oh god that hurt, this was not something that you got over it a matter of hours. She brought her hand up and slapped him as hard as she could.

Doug stopped as he felt the impact on his face. He instantly let go of her arm and the bottle at the same time. He thought after all their conversations about him being hit as a kid she would know better than to do it. A twang of pain spread across his face as his tone dropped to a whisper. "That's it." he said stepping away from her. "I'm done. Throw away your career, kill yourself...I'm done." Doug started to walk back to her living room and turned as he set her medication on the coffee table. "Don't bother to come back to work for me unless you have this sorted out. You need help Anna, but I'm not going to keep putting myself on the line for you. I'm done being your watcher and I'm done being your friend...I'm done with it all." his tone was quiet and flat. Being hit hurt him worse than anything she could have done. Doug walked to the door and stopped before he exited. "I hope you pull it together Anna. I really do. But don't you ever ask me for anything until you do. This is your life to ruin and I'm going to let you go for it." he turned to look at her and shot her a look a true disappointment. "I hope I see you soon." he said before closing the door and walking down the stairs. He had tried all he could and now he was going to give up. He didn't have anything else to give and he sure as hell wasn't going down with her.

Her worst fear was coming true. The silence of the apartment filling her ears. Tears falling from her eyes. She had succeeded in pushing him away. She ran for the front door, "wait please, I just want the pain to go away. It's eating me alive, I can't make it stop it won't go away. I close my eyes and it happens over and over again. I need help, but please don't make me see a psychiatrist."

Doug stopped at her voice and turned his head. He was hurt and didn't know what else to do. "I'm sorry I can't help you Anna...you do what you want. you always do." with that he kept waling out her building until he got to his car.

She sat on the steps for a minute. She hadn't meant to hit him. She was just frustrated and felt boxed in. He wasn't ever going to understand what going on. She shook her head as she got up. It hurt knowing that he wasn't going to be her friend anymore. She got up and walked back inside her apartment to face the silence that was there now. She grabbed the phone and dialed it. "Hey Nate is Anna." She said hearing her brother's voice on the line.

"What's up Anna?" He asked.

"Can you come over?" She asked him. "Yeah, I can be there in a little bit. Something wrong?"

She paused for a minute, "Yeah there is, just come over as soon as you can okay."

"I'll be there in about 15 Anna." She hung up the phone and laid back to wait. Nathan was the brother she was closest with. Maybe it was because he was the youngest of the guys and she had been around him more, but if anyone would understand he would.

Doug sat in his car for a bit trying to compose himself well enough to drive. after about ten minutes he shifted his car in reverse and began to drive home. As soon as he had said some of those things to Anna he felt bad. he hadn't meant most of it but he didn't know what to do. It was hard for him to see her like that and not have a way to help her. He had to draw the line somewhere though. she would ask him for help or she wouldn't, either she would sort things out or she wouldn't. he couldn't fix her anymore; he had problems of his own to deal with. those were the thoughts that filled his head as he drove home. boy was it going to be a long night not knowing what was going on with her, if she was ok. he went inside his house and sat down on his couch. he was almost sick he was so filled with emotion. he dialed carol's number but got her machine. 'hey carol its Doug...please call me if you get a chance." he said before hanging up. he hated the fact he really didn't have any friends in Chicago. none but Anna. he didn't want to bring Abby into this. she already hated Anna enough, she didn't need anything else. after going through his phone directory twice he turned it off. he had no one to talk things over with. he hadn't seen carter in almost a month so that wasn't a viable option, Susan was only good for fun and drinks, and Abby hated Anna. 'great' he thought to himself. 'maybe she'll call me' he thought. a few minutes later his phone rang. his hopes dropped as he saw it wasn't Anna's number but he answered it anyway. "hello?" he asked.

"Hey Doug its Lynn. I found out i cant go out with you on Monday but how about right now?" after little debate Doug agreed to meet her in a half an hour.