Chapter 95

She heard the phone go dead. She lay back against the bed unsure of what to do now. Maybe she should just pack up and go back to Chicago, but she didn't want to miss spending a little bit of time with Justin. She tried to sleep but it wasn't easy. Nightmares plagued her, the what could have happened. She climbed out of bed around 4:30 and tried to be quiet as she found the kitchen and coffee maker. After getting coffee she quietly made her way out the front door and sat on the steps of the porch. She must have been out there for about a half hour when she felt an arm go around her shoulders, "you okay?"

She looked up to see Justin standing there. "Yeah I didn't mean to wake you up, I couldn't sleep." She said. As they sat there in silence watching the sun up, Justin said that he had leave for a little while and if she wanted him to he'd come up to Chicago and spend a week with her. She smiled thinking that might not be a bad idea. She wasn't sure how good of company she'd be, but the idea of spending a week with him while she tried to settle back into the routine of things so she wouldn't be alone sounded good to her. She got up and showered before he took her to meet with his friend, where it all had to be relived again. She had to admit when she left after talking she was feeling better than before. Kerry was right talking to someone had been a good idea. They packed up the car and headed back towards to Chicago. They could get back faster because they wouldn't have to stop with the two boys driving. It was almost noon now, driving straight thru they would get back home a little after midnight, which was fine with her. She could go in tomorrow to talk with Dr. Meyers like Kerry asked her to, and get back into the routine of life.

Doug woke sitting up, like he had fallen asleep. His back killed him from the awkward position. He slowly got out of bed and walked into his kitchen. After popping his meds he made some toast and went into his bedroom to get dressed. Doug came back out and grabbed his toast. He held it in his mouth as he headed for the door. He was already going to be late. He started his car and headed to county. Doug sunk into his seat as he listened to the radio. He wasn't sure what Anna was going to do and that scared him. "and all of your way and all that you dream falls on me it falls on me and your beautiful sky the light you breath falls on me it falls on me." he sang low to the radio. Whatever she did was going to affect him as much as it would her because deep down, she was the love of his life. He just had to work it out.

Anna made them stop for food, her stomach was growling. She knew that Doug wasn't expecting her back so early, not much with two brother's in tow. Justin was making her a little nervous with the way he looked at her when she mentioned Doug's name around him. She tried to shrug it off as just overprotective big brother syndrome. He was pretty insistent on going with her to the hospital. She tried her best to talk him out of wanting to go with her when she went to talk to Meyers and Kerry, but he wasn't going to let her go alone. There was a nagging feeling inside her telling her that wasn't going to be good. She just hoped that she would be able to get in and out with out having to introduce him to Doug or anyone else for that matter. She was going to go to a 9 o'clock meeting before going to the hospital.

Best to get those started again before she tried to do anything else. Baby steps Anna, baby steps. The silence that was in the car was starting to get to her as she threw a French fry and Justin in the back seat and turned on the radio. She loved the song but it so reminded her of Doug as she started to sing with the radio, "I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy I'll be your hope, I'll be your love be everything that you need I love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do I will be strong I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on A new beginning. A reason for living A deeper meaning. I want to stand with you on a mountain I want to bathe with you in the sea I want to lay like this forever until the sky falls down on m And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry the tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty. That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of The highest powers. In lonely hours. The tears devour you. Oh can't you see it baby? You don't have to close your eyes 'Cause it's standing right here before you. All that you need will surely come."

Anna thought about the lyrics in that song. She knew that no matter how hard she looked she would never find another love like his, but she was going to try and move on and give him the chance find a love like that. She knew she could be his best friend, nothing more, nothing less. She would find a way to make all of this up to him. The love that she felt for him would change, from that of a lover, to one of friendship. Her heart was telling her not to let go of that love, but her head was telling her that she needed to.

Doug walked into work fifteen minutes late. He was moving slower today, and he hoped he wasn't getting sick again. With all this stress it wouldn't surprise him though. He shuffled in and tried his best to get straight to work hoping Weaver wouldn't say anything to him. He looked at the board at admit and looked through the chart. At least there were no peds waiting. He started to go through the charts to find something that looked interesting.

Kerry walked thru the ER; she stopped when she saw Doug flipping thru the charts. "Anna missed her meeting yesterday; I was hoping that you had heard from her and that she just sleeping yesterday from her meds. What's going on with her do you know?" Kerry stopped for a minute, "I'm worried about her that's all."

Doug looked up for a second and then went back to charts. He grabbed on and stuck it under his arm. He really didn't want to let Kerry into Anna's personal problems. If Anna wanted to it was her business but not his place. "Uhm I'm not real sure. I know she's out of town. If you want to get into details just call her cell." he walked quickly past her to start to work.

Kerry watched him walk off, "okay." There was something going on but it wasn't for her to find out. She was sure that everything would eventually work itself out on its own.

Doug worked on small cases right up until lunch. He grabbed a sandwich out of the vending machine and sat at admit for a bit. The day was going by fairly normal. He pulled out his meds and downed a couple. He back hadn't hurt him much in awhile but he thought it was best to keep on them so it wouldn't. He was glad he didn't have anything planned with Lynn for tonight. He needed a night to himself. He finished his sandwich and was happy to see a peds case. Nothing serious, just some croup but he'd take it. He walked into exam one to find a tiny dusty brown haired boy and his mom. "Ahh the joys of peds" he thought to himself as he started to work over the boy. Somehow working with them made him think of the baby that was lost. 'Its just cause this woman looks like Anna' he told himself. 'Your life is better now that it's over' he had to think that but he almost wished nothing had happened. That Anna still had that connection with him. 'Nine more hours' he told himself

Anna threw her hand up letting the wind hit them, "I'm the queen of the world," she cried out as her hair whipped in the wind.

She could hear laughter coming from the backseat and Nate just shaking his head at her sudden outburst. "Okay Gabby if you say so."

She looked at them both, "what, okay so I've watched that movie one too many times. Now someone make me laugh, before I start grossing you both out with stories from work." She smiled as gracefully as she could. As neither of them said anything. "Okay the other day I had this patient come in and this is after I had fished a jelly bean out of this poor kids nose, and you wouldn't believe what he had done...I am still trying to figure out how he got that pager up his..."

"Oh god stop Gabby, not another one." Justin said reaching from the backseat to swat at her. Traffic was light and they were making good time. It might not take them a full 12 hours to get back to Chicago if they could keep moving like this. She flipped open her phone and called Doug's house. She knew that he would be working so she wouldn't have to actually talk to him, she waited for his machine to pick up, "hey it's Anna, uh change of plans, I'm somewhere between Virginia and Chicago. I should be home tonight if not early tomorrow morning. I have some stuff to do before I come back to work. Uh so I guess that I will see you in a couple of days."

She hung up the phone hearing a heavy sigh from the backseat of the car, "give it a rest Justin, I don't know why you have that look on your face but you had better wipe it off of there pretty soon, I don't get into your love life, or mess with your friends, don't mess with mine." She didn't think that he would say anything back to her.

"Anna Gabriella Del Amico, I don't want to watch you go down in flames again because of some guy, I stood back and let you make that mistake once, not again." He said, "You need to just give up on this infatuation that you have with him. They way you have talked about him the last couple of days, I would swear that you were still in love with him, but I am pretty sure that he doesn't feel the same way about you and you deserve better than that. I don't want to think about what might have happened after he left you if Nate hadn't been home. I know that you're not as close to Mike, Steve, or Joey, you and Dan seem to be pretty tight but he's got his hands full, would you have called anyone else to help you out?" The silence from Anna answered his question, "yeah that's what I thought."

Silence filled the car again as they continued toward Chicago. Anna reached down into her bag and pulled out a small notebook, inside it long ago she had written down the 12 steps and she started to read them to herself. She knew them almost by heart from all the times that she had walked those steps with Max, but yet here it was her who was going to have to walk them. She had already walked the first of them, by admitting to both Nate and Doug that she had a problem that her life had become unmanageable. It was having to walk the next 11 that she didn't know if she could do it.

Doug changed his shirt for the second time. It seemed like a curse today of getting thrown up on. He looked at the clock and realized he was never going to get out of the hospital. They were swamped and it was already an hour past the time he was supposed to get off. "At least its overtime" he said out loud. Doug grabbed another chart and went to work. It seemed like everyone had decided to bring in their sick kids after work. He wished he had some help but knew it was good that Anna was gone and fixing her own problems. He went into curtain two and tried, in his best Spanish, to explain why this woman's child was sick.

Anna was stiff as she stumbled out of the car. "We are never, do you understand me never doing that kind of drive ever again." As they headed inside her building and into her apartment. Oh god the mess that was in there. "Oh sorry about the mess. I didn't pick up before we left. Justin you can have the bed if you want. I'm shorter and will fit on the couch better." She hugged Nate goodbye so that he could get the rest of the way home before it got any later. She put the JD back in the kitchen before grabbing the quilt off the couch. The light on her answering machine was blinking but she'd take care of them later. All she wanted to do was curl up and sleep until the sun came up or longer if she could. She was exhausted. She watched Justin walk into her bedroom which was probably a bigger mess.

"God Gabby don't you ever pick up after yourself this place is a natural disaster." She heard him call.

"Yeah I know just deal with it; I'll clean it up tomorrow. There's nothing wrong with the bed. Good night." She tossed on the couch for awhile before getting up. She sat down at her desk with a piece of paper and a pen and started to write. She'd drop it off tomorrow at the hospital or find some way to get it to him after her NA meeting in the morning with out having Justin meet Doug. She stared at the steps...'okay Anna let's start with five and move on to 9. Explain your wrongs and try to make amends. You can do this.' She started to write putting all her wrongs into words then trying to find the right words to ask for his forgiveness. She wished that she could have said these words to him rather than writing them. She glanced at the clock it had taken her longer to write that than she thought. She got up started the coffee, grabbed a cup before heading to the shower.

Doug had, had a long night and was starting his day shift again. He was promised a nap sometime soon but didn't really see an end in sight. He walked over to his bag and took his meds again. 'God how did i get stuck here all night?" he asked himself. There was only time for a short pause before jumping back into work. 'God i need a break' he thought

Anna headed down to her NA meeting and sat there stone faced as she listened to them talk, it lasted about an hour then her and Justin headed over to the ER, she had the letter she had written tucked inside her jacket. She parked the car on the street and the walked towards the door of County. 'Dear lord just let us get in and out'. They walked inside, darting her eyes around the ER and not seeing Doug, she took Justin to the lounge, "wait here for me, do not wander off, do not talk to anyone, do you understand me. I have to work here after you leave and I don't want you to get me into trouble." She said making sure that he understood her before she headed for the stairs. She'd leave the note on their way out after she talked to Meyers and to Weaver. She bumped into Jerry on the stairs, "hey Jer, give this to Doug would you or put it in his box if he's not here for me, thanks." She said as she continued up the stairs after handing him the sealed letter.