Chapter 104

Anna walked up her stairs. Seven, okay she could do that. Oh Christ her stethoscope was still over at Doug's. She opened her door and picked up her purse and then headed back down the stairs. She climbed into her car and headed across town. She hoped that she wouldn't be interrupting anything as she parked behind her car. She got out and started to walk up the stairs but she could hear music coming from the backyard. And she could smell food being cook outside on the grill. She walked around back. Her heart dropped when she saw him sitting in the swing, he looked pretty down. She stood there for a minute. Something had to have happened since he left her house. She hadn't seen another car out front, she thought that he would have had plans with Lynn and that's why he had to bring her back so fast. She walked over to where he was sitting and sat down next to him. "Hey I needed to get my stethoscope from you." She reached over and patted his leg, "so what's going on babe? I'm here for ya if you need me."

Doug sighed when Anna sat down next to him. "Oh it's in my house I'll get it for you" he mumbled without making an effort to move. He sat there for a second and realized Anna wanted to know what had happened. He couldn't very well make something up. 'What the hell' he told himself. "Nothings going on really...Lynn just broke up with me is all. Kind of a nice event to end the night with." he said flatly and sarcastically. Doug sat up all the way and brought one knee into his chest as he looked out into the yard. He knew the reason why she had broken up with him was a good one, and deep inside him Doug almost hoped Anna would ask. At least that way he would have a reason to tell her. He could play it off as a joke that way if he could tell she didn't feel the same. On the other hand he was terrified of another conversation like that. He couldn't tell by her reaction today at the lake on where they stood. So he just stared forward and waited for the shoe to drop...whatever it was.

Anna leaned back against the swing. She wasn't sure if he wanted to talk about it or if she should just let drop. She wasn't even sure if he wanted her there right now. As much as she wanted too she wasn't able to read anything off him other than being hurt. Anna was silent for a minute before saying anything. She felt bad for him, "oh honey, I'm sorry." She collected her thoughts for another minute before finding the courage to ask, her conversation with Lynn in the ladies room running thru her head. She felt bad for him. 'Any woman would be a fool to walk away from you, I should know, I should have fought for you harder,'' went thru her head. "If you want to tell me, that's fine, if you don't want to talk about it I completely understand, why did she break it off with you honey?"

Doug shrugged. As much as he wanted it not to be a nig deal he did feel bad that he had hurt Lynn. He closed his eyes when she asked him why Lynn broke up with him. He could so easily lie and everything would be back to normal. He decided to test the waters and let out a semi grin. "She told me i was still hung up on you." he said looking straight forward. Anna's reaction would tell him if he should go any further with the thought. He hadn't actually revealed anything yet.

Anna patted his leg sort of smiling as she rolled her eyes at him before looking at the ground. She didn't want to ask almost afraid of the answer, "why, what would give her that idea." She said softly, 'you stopped loving me after Kentucky' she said to herself.

Doug put both feet down and leaned forward. He could smell the chicken cooking and he new he needed to turn it. God how he was afraid she was going to ask that. He let out a deep sigh. There was no going back, he knew he needed to tell her anyway, even if he got shot down. "Well...it's because I am" he said before standing up and walking across the yard to the grill. He didn't look at her at all. He was afraid of her reaction. He walked over to the grill and opened it up and flipped the chicken. 'It's not too late to turn it all into a joke.' he thought to himself. The other half of him was almost glad he had said it. At least now, whatever she felt for him, she knew.

Anna bit her lip as her heart skipped a beat. As she watched him walk across the yard. She wasn't sure how to respond to that. He wasn't over her. She lowered her eyes to the ground, well this might go up in flames but she was going to say it anyway. What was just one more rejection, would it put up something between them that would not allow them to be friends at all anymore. She knew she needed to choose her words carefully, having him as a friend was better than not having him at all. "Last night when you were trying to make me feel better. And you said all those things to me. The only thing that I could think was that I had that man right there, but I was to afraid to say anything, I wanted to be your friend, because I didn't want to live my life without you in it, and if I couldn't be anything more than just a friend for you that's what I was happy to be. At lunch I couldn't tell you what was bothering me, only because" She kicked the ground, "how do you tell the person who is your best friend that you are jealous that they have moved on, and I was, that you are on my mind 23 out of the 24 hours in a day. You will always have my heart." She was going to be honest with him now as she leaned against the back of the swing, closing her eyes so that the tears wouldn't fall, there was a difference between being stuck on her and still loving her. There was no going back now. She just hoped that he would be able to hear her cause her legs were not going to move her right now, but she might as well put it all out on the line now, "I thought that you had stopped loving me. That you didn't care about me like that anymore." She took a deep breath as she asked the loaded question, "where are we, is there an us?" And waited for him to shoot her down, and tell her that she was reading it all wrong that he couldn't be anything but her friend.

Doug sighed as he closed the grill. 'Here comes another serious conversation' he thought. He walked over and stood in front of her. So he didn't have to answer her question right then he decided to ask one of his own. "Why are you looking so sad? You think I'm going to tell you i hate you?" he said with a small laugh. "Don't think that Anna. ..The other night when i was trying to make you feel better i was describing the things i would do for someone i loved...someone like you."

She lifted her head up. "Well I wasn't thinking that you hate me...more like I was getting my signals mixed up again. You are a hard man to read sometimes." She said letting a smile cross her face. "Sometimes I can read you like a book and then other times you're a giant puzzle to me." She stood up, "I probably should be going."

Doug watched her stand up. He was going to let her go when 'sometimes love just aint enough' came on the radio. "But there's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust. There's a reason why people don't stay who they are. Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough." Doug couldn't believe that, it seemed like some kind of sign. 'Damn songs' he said to himself. Doug's heart pushed him to move before his brain did. Before he knew it he had her hand. "No...Don't go."

She stopped when she felt his hand touch hers. That same spark of electricity shooting up her spine. "I'll stay." She said smiling. When did music become so depressing. She turned to give him a smile and a nervous laugh "you know we are cursed. But if you want me to stay I will. I'd rather be with you than home alone. I can't stay long though I mean after all I'm sure that my boss wouldn't want me to be late on my first day in my new position."

Doug smiled "Oh thanks...I'm glad dinner with me is a step above staying alone." he joked. "You know i have two pieces of chicken here because...i thought i was having a date tonight. Since i kind of got dumped you have to stay. I mean, what am I going to do with the piece of chicken?" he was trying his best to be funny. He still didn't know where they stood since neither of them had really answered the question. But he got the feeling there would be plenty of time tonight to figure it out. "Come on" he said walking over to the table on his deck.

"Well I must admit that is the most interesting dinner invitation I have gotten." She said as she followed him. She smiled and laughed as she shook her head, "I can fill in so that you don't have to figure out what you are going to do with it."

"Ha-ha" Doug laughed as he opened the grill. "That's good because i don't like eating what i cook and i sure as hell don't want to have to reheat it." Doug fixed her plate for her and walked over to the table. He sat down and poked the chicken for a second. 'I should say something' he thought to himself. "you know...I rented High Fidelity if you want to stay a little later...uhm we could talk Peds too you know with your first day back tomorrow and all umm or you know you could go home cause its be getting late." Doug would have smacked himself in the head if she hadn't been sitting there. 'What am i...i freaking freshman?' why was this so hard?

She had to laugh, he was stumbling over his words like they were back in high school again, when they first started seeing each other. "I don't know, I don't want to stay out past my curfew."

Doug ate a piece of chicken and shot her a look. "Thank you...as if i couldn't feel any worse about myself you have to just go and keep on kicking me. You know this wouldn't be so hard if i got a little feedback...joke maybe...a pun if you will. But no, just sarcasm." he said with a grin. "I mean you could at least stick to making fun of my cooking and not me. It might hurt my ego less."

She just shrugged her shoulders, and giggled, "Well ya know I could make fun of your cooking, but uh, everything that I eat at the apartment comes from a box or a can. I can't cook, I burn water. Sure I can heal the sick but if I didn't own a can opener I'd starve to death."

"Ha-ha well I got one up on you then." he said pushing his plate away and looking at the sky. "Ohh we're hopeless. What is this?" he asked pointing between the two of them. "I mean we're adults so...lets just end the games. All i want is for you to tell me flat out, here and now...what's going on with us."

She looked at him, "what's going on with us." She had to pause, a minute, and try to think of something to say that would make sense, "I uh, oh for heavens sake," this was harder than she thought it would be. Just speak from your heart Anna, "I still love you, I always have and I always will. But as to if there's an us, I don't know. Do I want there to be an us, I'd be lying if I said I didn't. Do you want an us, I have no clear clue as to what you want."

"And i thought you could always read me so well." he said standing up. It was getting cold outside. "I don't kn...Ok no i do know I'm just not sure, how about that? I really do like you Anna. I feel good when I'm with you and i feel bad when I'm not. I just don't want to go through all this again. you cant promise me that you're not going to wake up tomorrow...or a week from now and find someone you love more...and that scares me." he put away their dishes and started to carry them inside. The conversation was getting a little deep for him and he was almost sorry be brought it up. "I just don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I just don't know if loving you is going to be enough." he said before going inside.