Author's notes: I realized I forgot to put in the last Author's Notes about Vincent, he's in the story, I just didn't put him in the first chapter for a reason, and I apologize for it being so messy, I can't figure out how to place a boarder line. And I also apologize for making Cid mean to Shera; personally I love CidxShera; but I couldn't figure out what to do with Cid. Oh and I'm also giving a slight shot at Shounen-Ai.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the FFVII characters, some rich dude in Japan does, but I do own my OC and a mop. On with the fic!
Warnings: Zack hurting Sephy on accident, ZackxSephy (kind of) Cid obsessed with his mop, a little bit of Cloud bashing, some random stuff that doesn't even make sense, and poor, sad, attempts at humor,
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"Are you sure this is where Cloud lives or going to live?" Scarlet asked as she stared at the old mansion suspiciously.
"Yes, the Cloud Tracker never lies!" Hedigger exclaimed.
"Actually, it always does to you, it never lied to Hojo though cause he installed a special chip to track all his crazy experiments." Palmer mumbled to Hedigger so Scarlet wouldn't hear.
"Shhhhh! She doesn't need to know that, and who knows, it might just be telling the truth to me this time." Hedigger whispered.
Scarlet clapped her hands together and said, "C'mon you two fat pigs, lets get in and make ourselves comfortable, and when Cloud arrives, we kill him! KYA HA HA HA HA!" Scarlet paused in her evil laugh, thought for a moment then added, "Or ask him really nicely if we can live with him, which ever works better." The fat men sweatdropped upon hearing her second option.
Scarlet then proceeded to drag the men in the house so they could prepare themselves for the assault on Cloud or the question asking, which ever option Scarlet finally settles on.
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Nanaki was still stalking Cid and he was starting to get annoyed with all the random turns he kept making and he was pretty sure Cid was on to him.
"Who's there!" Cid yelled when he stopped to take a rest. Red quickly dove for cover as Cid started to look around. "Reeve, if that's you stalking me again leave me the hell alone, or I'll stab you with my Mop!" (A/N: Before anyone asks any questions, that's actually Cid's goof weapon in the game.) Red gulped, he debated whether he should get stabbed or to reveal himself, but Red did neither, instead he ambushed Cid by biting his ass.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH! LET GO OF ME! DAMNIT! WHERE'S THE GODDAMN CROWBAR WHEN I NEED IT!" Cid screamed while trying to pull the nuisance, which was that sinking its teeth into his butt, off. Red let go as soon as Cid smacked him with his Mop and tried to stab him with the Venus Gospel.
"Ow! Cid stop! NO don't hit me-" Too late, Cid had smacked him hard across the face with the lance and he continued to hit him while shouting every profanity known to man.
"BITE MY ASS WHY DON'T YOU! WELL HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS, YOU STUPID, MOTHER F-ING, SON OF A BITCH-"
"CID! STOP! IT'S ME NANAKI!"
Cid stopped mid-swing with his Mop right before it collided with Red's head. "Nanaki? That you?" He asked blinking confused at the creature.
"Yes! I'd appreciate it if you would stop beating the shit outta me now!" Red yelled.
"Well why the hell were you stalking me, and why'd you bite my ass! Oh and this is for stalking me and not just coming out and saying you were accompanying me." Cid said smacking Red over the head with his Mop.
Red scowled at Cid and suddenly the Mop burst into flames courtesy of Red's tail. Cid stared at the charred remains of his precious Mop. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR!" He yelled.
"I didn't do it, remember my tail has a mind of it's own and it has a pyromaniac mind." Nanaki said calmly.
"I say we bury my Mop."
"But Cid you could always buy another one."
"I SAY WE BURY IT, GODDAMN IT, AND NO TWO MOPS ARE THE SAME!" Cid paused then sniffled. "Besides, you don't know what the two of us have been through together."
Upon hearing that, Red slowly inched away from Cid. "Cid, you're starting to scare me, it's a Mop, not a living thing." Red said, but Cid didn't hear him, he was too busy burring his oh so precious Mop and mourning over the fact that it was cremated.
Red got fed up with Cid's, dramatic overreacting mourning over a stupid Mop, so Red bit Cid on the ass again and Cid stopped mourning and screamed in pain and ran toward his new home again with Red still clinging to his ass.
A few minutes later Cid was at the mansion and Nanaki finally let go. "Cid, where are we?"
"My new home!"
"What happened to your old home?"
"Why aren't you in Cosmo Canyon?"
"Don't wanna talk about it."
"Exactly. You're welcome to stay if you want, under one condition."
"What's that?"
"You gotta make me tea when I tell you too, you DO know how to make tea right?"
Red sighed, he had a feeling that living with Cid was going to be rough, but it beat being chased by angry mobs. So the two of them went in the house unaware of the other three people already in there.
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Sandy scratched her head as she looked at the mansion. "Hmm….err…it didn't look like that in the picture, and the place looks like it could use some cleaning up."
"Don't worry, I'll hire a cleaning crew to take care of it." Rufus said.
"What are you going to pay them in? Chocolate? We're broke, remember?" Sandy reminded.
"Oh yeah, I forgot. Damn that man to hell and back for spending his money."
Sandy sweatdropped. "Can we just go in now and explore the place?"
Rufus shrugged, "Sure…uh….whatever." He answered. The two blondes walked in the house and began to explore the place not even realizing five other people were in the home.
Sandy walked into the kitchen just missing Red as he walked out another door as she walked in. Rufus looked around the library missing Scarlet as she walked into another isle and left while Rufus examined the books, neither noticing each other. Cid peeked in the bedroom where Palmer had bent down behind the door to pick up his emergency small tub of lard and Hedigger was crouching down behind the bed to tie his shoe, Cid didn't notice either of the fat men as he looked around the room. None of the residents were aware of the other residents and there were still more residents to come.
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"Woo-hoo! New house welcome your new owner!" Yuffie; who was still covered in sticky notes; cheered delighted that she found the mansion.
'Hmm…I don't want to be like normal people who just go through the front door, I wanna do something different, make an entrance although no one will see it, but it'd still be fun.' Yuffie; being her weird self always had to make an entrance, thought. 'But what can I enter through?' She looked around and she finally saw it on the roof.
"The chimney!" She exclaimed and Yuffie began to climb the roof to make her entrance through the chimney.
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"OWWWWW! ZACK STOP! YOU'RE GOING TO KNOCK ME UNCONCIOUS IF YOU DON'T WATCH IT!" Sephiroth yelled as a running Zack was dragging him across the floor.
Zack had been running at top speed towards Sphiroth's new home and accidentally ramming Sephiroth into everything along the way there; like rocks, trees, poles, sane people that Sephy stabs when he comes across one, chocobos, animals, the list goes on and on.
After three minuets Zack had succeeded in knocking the all mighty god-like Sephitoth out by ramming him into a speeding bullet train going at 500 miles per hour.
"Uhhh Seph? Hello, anybody home?" Zack said while poking the unconscious body chained to him. "Hmmm, maybe he's taking a nap. Well, no use dragging dead weight, so I guess I'll just have to carry him." Zack mused to himself while throwing the fallen General over his shoulder and continued his journey to Sephitoth's new home.
A few minutes later the silver haired General came around and squeezed the nearest thing in a state of confusion, and that thing just so happens to be…Zack's ass. This startles the raven haired SOLDIER and Zack throws Sephy as hard as he could, which only resulted in the both of them falling on top of each other because of Zack's handcuffs.
"Stupid handcuffs." Sephiroth mumbles as he crawls out from under Zack.
"Why did you grab my ass?" Zack suddenly asked as he got up.
"I DIDN'T MEAN TO!" Sephiroth snapped, overreacting slightly, and blushing.
A smirk danced across Zack's lips. "You're blushing Seph!"
"No I'm not!" He yelled turning even more crimson with embarrassment.
"Yes you are. So you DID mean to touch my ass! Because you love me!" Zack declared.
"ALRIGHT! I admit it! I did do it on purpose because I have been secretly loving you for the past few years, happy now?"
Sephiroth had decided to knock his comrade out again and this time he dressed him in a drag. Don't ask why Sephiroth was carrying around a dress, he'd been planning to make Zack cross-dress for years now plus he was insane so it's reasonable to say he'd like putting people in drags.
Sephiroth dragged his boyfriend over to a pink chocobo and placed the both of them on it and rode off into the direction of the house.
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"I can't wait till we get to our new home how bout you Cloud?" Aeris asked.
"Just as long as we get there soon then I can collapse, have some water, and take a rest." Cloud said while breathing heavily. Cloud was tired, Aeris had been sitting on his shoulders and he had to carry her the whole way there and also drag the luggage, while Aeris got a ride on Cloud's shoulders and not having to set foot on the ground.
"Oh hush now! And pick up the pace Cloud were almost there!" Aeris commanded. Poor Cloud, obeying everything she tells him. But Cloud really didn't mind, he'd do anything for Aeris, and he does kind of owe her big time considering he accidentally sent her to her watery grave.
"Aerisssss! Can't we take a rest? I'm tired of carrying you!" Cloud whined. Aeris sighed.
"I guess a break wouldn't hurt." Aeris mumbled to herself. "Okay Cloud! Five minutes break and then we get back on track." Aeris told Cloud.
'Thank the Gods!' Cloud thought happily while dropping Aeris on the floor.
Aeris scowled at the blonde. "CLOUD! That hurt ya' know!"
"Huh?" Cloud stared at the brunette with a confused look on his face.
"Oh forget it!" Aeris shrieked while tugging in frustration at her hair.
The two of them rested for a short while, but Cloud suddenly forgot that they were taking a break, as he got distracted from a chocobo. "OOOOOO! A CHOCOBO, I'M GOING TO GO CATCH IT!" Cloud squealed upon seeing the big yellow bird.
The chocobo warked as this stupid human with hair like a chocobo began to approach him. "Here choco, choco. Come to Papa!" Cloud said as he leaped in an attempt to catch the bird.
The chocobo sidestepped, avoiding Cloud's leap leaving him to eat dirt. Cloud spit out some dirt and wiped his tongue on his hand, the chocobo warked in a way that made Cloud think it was laughing at him. "WHY YOU LITTLE….I'M GONNA BE EATEN CHOCOBO TONIGHT!" Cloud yelled and began to chase the giant bird.
This infuriated the chocobo so it went into its rabid attack mode and started to peck the living hell outta Cloud. "HELP, AERIS! A RABID CHOCOBO IS TRYING TO EAT MEEEE!" Cloud screamed in a high-pitched voice.
"That's nice dear. Now you keep playing pretend while I continue to rest." Aeris said absentmindedly not even realizing the bird assaulting the blonde. She figured maybe if she ignored Cloud, he'd get bored of sitting around and start carrying her to the mansion again. Unfortunately her plan backfired, by the time she realized Cloud wasn't playing pretend, he'd been so badly damaged he couldn't even walk, so AERIS ended up carrying Cloud to the mansion.
Aeris finally saw the house come into view and she sighed with relief seeing as she didn't have to give her boyfriend a piggyback ride anymore.
"Is that the house?" Cloud asked even though he probably knew the answer…or not. With his IQ being so low I'd have to invent a new number just to show you how low it is and it'll still being an understatement.
"Yes, that's the house Cloud. Now could you please get off my-" But Aeris couldn't finish her sentence because Cloud had gotten as excited as a little kid on Christmas, he started to bounce up and down against Aeris's back, with a few screams of "YAY!" or "WOOHOO!" coming from the blonde.
"OWWW! CLOUD! MY BACK! That REALLY hurts! Stop it or no more sugar for you!" Aeris threatened. Cloud stopped on a dime upon hearing he won't get sugar if he continues his behavior, after all Cloud loves his sugar. "Thank you, now get off!"
But before Cloud could get off, Aeris collapsed under his weight and her heavy, muscular boyfriend squished her. Cloud blinked, confused as to why Aeris was suddenly flat against the floor he continued to sit on her until Aeris finally kicked him in the behind.
Cloud screamed, scared of whatever just hit him. "Get…off…of…. ME!" Aeris yelled kicking Cloud in the ass again.
Cloud quickly executed Aeris's command and got off her. Aeris extended her hand out to him, expecting the blonde to grab it and help her up, but Cloud just stared at it with a blank face.
Aeris sweatdropped seeing as it would take the blond years to figure out what that simple jester meant. "Well help me up goddamnit!" She hinted. Cloud got the hint and helped the brunette up, and then he decided to carry her in the house.
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Tifa arrived at the mansion and began to drag her stuff in.
She closed the front door and looked around the place. "Well, it's certainly not the best place, but it still beats the crap outta my old house. Now where's the bathroom?" Tifa mused to herself.
Just as she turned to head to explore the house the door broke down with the Turks standing in the doorway. Tifa was about to yell, but a random pink Chcobo broke through the wall with a cross-dressing unconscious Zack chained to Sephiroth on board. A few seconds later, Yuffie fell down the chimney; still covered in her sticky notes; and landed in the fireplace. Reeve then walked in with Cait Sith who had a gun to Reeve's back; Cait Sith had been watching one too many spy movies and took Reeve hostage. Barret and Marlene…. just appeared out of thin air.
This caused the remaining residents in the house; Aeris, Cloud, Scarlet, Palmer, Red XIII, Cid, Hedigger, Sandy, and Rufus; to run to the room where the entire racket was coming from.
Silence.
"What the hell is going on here?" Elena finally said voicing everyone's' thoughts.
"I'd like to know too. Just what the hell are you all doing in my new home?" Yuffie said dusting the coal off her as she got out of the fireplace.
"Yer home? Who said it was yer home you brat! It my home!" Cid stated.
"Hey! Who the hell says it's your home? We got here first!" Scarlet said while pointing at Hedigger and Palmer.
"Jes' cause ya got here first doesn't mean it's yours. It's mine and Marlene's foo'!" Barret stated.
"No way! As president of ShinRa and being the wealthiest family, we claim this house!" Rufus stated formally.
"Bullshit Rufus! You're broke and ShinRa is out of business cause your old man spent all the money on chocolate. So, I leader of the Turks, claim this house." Reno said.
"Errr…. but I thought Tseng was leader?" Tifa said confused as to why Reno suddenly became commander even though Tseng is standing right behind him.
Elena explained Tseng's current state of mind quickly. "About that, well, since the ShinRa went bankrupt, Tseng went a little insane so now Reno is leader since he was second in command, although I have a feeling Reno's going to lead us off a cliff someday…" Elena trailed off when she saw the redhead glare daggers at her.
"But it's still our house." Cait Sith randomly yelled bringing everyone's attention back to the matter at hand.
Then all hell broke lose from there. Everyone started fighting, well, except Cloud, Sephiroth, and Zack. Zack because he was unconscious, Sephiroth because he's linked to Zack so he would end up risking his beloveds life, and Cloud because he was staring and drooling at the sight of Zack not even realizing that it's a guy in a drag,
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Vincent was sleeping peacefully in his coffin in the basement of the mansion. He was glad he moved to this new mansion and left the Nibelheim one, because his old home became a tourist attraction and he couldn't rest in peace with all those disturbances.
He was sleeping peacefully at least until he heard a ruckus coming from upstairs. 'Damn, can't I ever get any peace and quiet? Maybe it's a bunch of investigators again, maybe I can scare them away with my Vampire act again.' He thought annoyed over the commotion the people were causing.
Vincent leaped out of his coffin and patted it while saying, "Don't worry Mr. Coffin, I'll be back in a minute, I just have to go take care of a few things." Maybe Vinnie got a 'lil too attached to his coffin to actually name it Mr. Coffin, no?
Anyways, Vincent grabbed his Death Penalty and trudged up the stairs to go take care of what he though would be investigators but instead he got a surprise when he looked at the chaos that broke lose…
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Author's notes: Whew, another chapter done and I made it a cliffy cause it was getting to long and I'm tired, although personally this chapter didn't turn out how I wanted it to and didn't seem as good as the first chapter, but that's just me. Now for the review corner…
To Eclipse and Shadow: Thank you for being my first reviewer and telling me to continue, you guys certainly leave rather interesting reviews though. Enjoy the fic.
To BloodyChaosDragonKnight: (Accepts sugar and caffeine filled snacks and is also honored that one of the best humor writers likes her fic) Glad you loved it, I'll probably update every two days or so cause I have nothing to do, although I do plan on starting another fic soon. Hope you enjoy this chapter too.
To Sesshy is sexii: Thank you for reviewing and liking the fic. Yeah, in the last chapter I forgot to add in the AN that Vincent appears in the second chapter the fic just wouldn't be the same without him, as for the address of the mansion it just in some random location in the middle of nowhere, I didn't put much thought in to giving it an actual location cause I'm lazy. Glad you liked the Sephiroth part, I'm going to guess you liked the Sephy scene in this chapter too.
To Blue Kitsune: Hi sissy! I'm happy that you read my fic and gave me positive feedback, I somehow knew you'd like the ninja tests part best.
To FFlove190: Of course I put Zack in the fic; it will never be the same without him. I read in your bio that you enjoy making Cloud stupid, so you'll probably love the Cloud in this fic because I made him the king of all fools. Hopefully this chapter is easier to read than the first one though, glad you thought it was great for a first fic and that you think some attempts at humor are funny. And don't worry about me updating, since I have no life I'll update frequently…. but could you call your army of pop tarts off? They're starting to creep me out.
To Knight-Goddess: Thank you for reviewing and I'm glad you enjoy it.
To Dark Ice 777: Glad you thought it was funny.
Now I must go get sugar-high while I write my next chapter so I can have random insane ideas pop into my head for the next chapter.