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Chapter 12

John and Natalie started walking, in no particular destination, they just walked, in complete silence for a while, content silence.

John was both happy and shocked when she brought up them going somewhere, talking. It was as if he could see into it more, her wall, almost thru it and the most important part was she was acting as if she wanted him to.

Natalie almost opened her mouth up to speak to him several times as they walked, she wanted to do this, it felt right, was it just time to finally let it all out, to open up to someone or was it him? Was he the reason she never found before? She shook her head still confused on that one. The voices in her head, the ones telling her to shut him out, to be strong not vulnerable they were gone now, and she had hoped they stayed gone. She shook her head, she could do this, she could tell her whole story to him, and if he didn't run away, if he was maybe strong enough to help her deal with it, maybe then, then she could feel some peace.

"Wanna see something?" she asked him and he was confused, but nodded yes, she started walking them towards the hotel he had been living at since coming to Llanview.

"What's going on?" he asked her, as she went into the back door of the building.

"I'm taking you to a place that makes me feel good, another place I go when I want to be totally alone and just relax, its so peaceful" she told him and led him to the roof, they walked out on it and she turned to him.

"I've never brought anyone up here before, I've never felt like I could before, never even wanted to before" she told him and he moved closer to her, he stared into her eye's.

"You feel safe up here don't you?" he asked her and she smiled at him, he got it, he got her, this was her safe haven. She nodded yes and she turned and walked over by the side of the roof, looked out to see all the cars passing by.

"You know, you don't really have to talk if you don't want to, if you don't feel up to it, its enough to know that you feel comfortable enough to want to tell me, want to open up and let me in." he told her and smiled as she faced him.

"Boy was I wrong about you huh? I thought you were the biggest ass around, boy was I wrong, but then again, that was what started it, started everything, me being wrong about men" she said shaking her head at first, and then as the conversation had gotten to her being wrong about men, she was becoming teary eyed, she turned and walked over to the bench behind them.

"I was in and out of foster care for almost a year when Paul and Beth took me in, they were the best, I was almost 12 and they were the closest thing I had ever had to parents, they never could have kids and they were so kind hearted. Paul had his own plumbing business in AC. Those three years I spent with them, were the only good times, the only happy times in my life. I mean ...don't get me wrong I've had times since being here in Llanview that I consider happy. I was in the room when I niece was born, that was unbelievable. I was even my sister's Lamaze coach. My brother's wedding was great, and any time I spend with my mom is heartwarming. But... but I'm not sure why, I guess its because of the wall I put up, but all those times, none of them compare to those three years." she told him all that and took a break, she took a few deep breathes as she started to continue

"So... Paul needed help in the summer with his business, just a helper, his name was Charlie, I called him Chuck" she said and he saw the sadness get worse in her eyes. He reached his hand out to her.

"You don't have to do this you know?" he told her and she shook her head yes, she did.

"You probably already realize where this is going, Chuck and I ended up dating, well secretly, I was 15 he was 18, I wasn't the typical looking 15 year old, my body was more advanced than most and maturity wise I was probably more mature than he. Paul was always giving me that vulnerably speech I told you about the other day, not to be vulnerable, not to let anyone take advantage of me, only wish I would have listened back then, maybe I would've been able to love all this time." she stopped briefly but picked it up quickly

"Paul and Beth found out about me and Chuck after a few months but by then I was in Love with him. I had already been with him, and I'm pretty sure they knew about it. Paul fired him and warned him to stay away from me or he'd go to the cops. I can still remember Beth talking to me about not seeing him anymore."

Flash back

"Natalie honey, you can't see him anymore"

"I don't understand why?"

"Honey, he's older than you, he's more experienced than you"

"He's not that much older and it doesn't matter he loves me"

"Natalie we love you, what that boy feels for you, it's not love its lust"

End FB

John could see the pain in her face, her eye's, he saw a few of the tears in her eye's start to run down her face and he took his hand, wiped them away and told her with his eye's that it was alright to go on.

"I didn't listen and if I did, if I would have listened they would still be alive, both of them, I would've stayed with them, been happy all these years maybe been able to be happy, even find real Love, but... but...instead I was stupid, vulnerable, easy prey, just plain stupid and naive."

They sat still for a few minutes, just caught up in thought the two of them. He was watching her closely as they felt the rain start. It was sudden and cold, yet they still didn't move. She stayed and so did he. She heard the thunder and didn't flinch for some reason; he still held her hand tightly. A few minutes later, more thunder, still she didn't flinch. Finally as she was getting soaked and so was he, he stood bringing her with him.

"Come on, you're getting soaked" he told her and led her down stairs to his room, they entered his room and she shook off the wetness, he gave her a set of dry clothes, she went into the bathroom and changed.

John watched her go into the bathroom and change; he grabbed two beers from the fridge and sat them down on the table next to the couch. Ten minutes later she walked out of the bathroom in his sweats, he couldn't help but smile, she looked cute in everything, he told himself as she came and sat down next to him on the couch. She was quiet for a few minutes.

"Why do you think its all your fault?" he asked her and she looked away for a minute, she was trying so hard not to revert back, not to run but all of a sudden she felt as if she should. He saw her face she was trying to hide again, but she had come so far, he wouldn't let her, he couldn't, not now, she was so close, he knew it, they were almost to the bottom of things, the root of things.

John turned his body and laid back against the arm of the couch, he moved her gently with his hands so she was not laying with her back up against his chest, he circled her with his arms, she allowed him to do all of this, all of it, he held her to him close, she took a deep breath.

"It's...it is my fault...Chuck called the night of a major Thunderstorm. They weren't home yet and I was supposed to stay home, I didn't. He said it was important he needed to see me so I went. When they got home and didn't find me, they called all over looking for me. No one had seen me so they figured I had left to go be with him. It was a fucking major storm, one of the biggest, what the hell was I even thinking sneaking out like that? Why did they care about me so much to even go out in that wicked storm looking for me?" she said brokenly leaning back into his chest more. His warmth was helping; it helped make her strong enough to talk about the worst event in her life. He felt her breathe in and out a bit and he held her tighter.

"The police reports all say that the truck that hit them hadn't even seen them, that's how bad the rain was, the thunder." she told him and closed her eye's briefly, he leaned down kissed the top of her head knowing how painful this must have been for her, still is for her. After a few minutes he asked, asked about the horny ass that helped her guilt all these years.

"What happened to chuck, with Chuck?" he asked softly knowing maybe she didn't feel up to answering it.

"Only if you are up to it," he told her

"He never loved me, Beth was right, it was all about lust. I saw him again after all that. They placed me back with Roxy, my mom back then. She said I was old enough and she had cleaned up enough anyway he came around the day I was leaving their home, gathering my stuff going back with my mom, a place I didn't want to be. I asked him...I asked him to take me away, if we could run away together even, you know what he said? The bastard! The bastard said I was to young for him," she said and shook her head. "All of that and the Son of a Bitch was just using me!" Natalie started sobbing, she couldn't keep it in, none of it, the words at first, and now the tears. He pulled her tighter, as tight to him as could be. As she mumbled over and over again as she shed her tears.

"He never even held me afterwards, he never held me."