Close your eyes (don't let you catch me)
Flossie1
Summary: When something feels so suffocatingly right, is that when you leave it all? Is that when you cheat the ones that care the most?
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot and Michael.
Author's Note: This chapter wasn't supposed to be anything like this. You see- I had this whole story planned out- and I've gone off the tracks- and I'm liking it now. coffeegal102- thank you for your great review- I figured I needed a third person from the outside of the facade to show the other side of it. I was listening to Coldplay as I wrote this.
I like writing this story because I convey some of the emotions I feel into Lily and James. And to hear from a reviewer that their emotions are "real" is so wonderful. I've always liked to write raw emotion- shameless.
-0-0-
"James! Where the hell have you been?"
Sirius looked up from the fireplace, catching his eye with James',
"Jesus Prongs, what have you done?" His voice was softer, calmer now, caring almost. He looked James over; it looked as if he'd just come from hell and back.
"I talked to Lily, " His voice broke at the end, his dry lips cracked a little as he grimly smiled, "She doesn't want me to see her anymore."
He allowed a few moments of silence, "In fact," his voice rising, "She doesn't ever want to fucking see me, not even in the fucking corridors, or in classes…."
His face hardened,
"Shit, Padfoot, I don't think I'm getting another chance."
Sirius watched him, watched as his best friend took the shot, the stab, the cognition of what he'd just said.
Another Chance, that's all he needed, that's all anyone needed. If he could start over, if he could erase a moment in his life, if he could…
If he could change. If he wasn't who he was. Maybe, maybe then he'd have a chance.
But he'd lost it all now. And it was his entire fault.
"You think your so wonderful Potter. I have to break it to you, but Lily hates you. There I was thinking Lily was incapable of hating anyone- then I'm introduced to you. Believe me- you will never, ever get so much as a date with Lily Evans so long as your name is James Potter and you have a pulse."
Lily hates you. Hate.
-0-0-
I think I'm in love with him.
Should I be feeling this? Is it wrong? Isn't love supposed to be a good thing, when all the birds start chirping and rainbows appear in the sky?
Aren't I supposed to be happy, isn't that the way things are supposed to go?
Why did I say that to him before?
"James?"
I remember he looked up at me, his eyes were red, swollen… 'he's been crying…'
"Yes?"
His voice was low, quavering, he was scared. God- if he were scared- how was I to get through this?
"James, I, I don't think this," I swallowed, he was nodding, he'd expected this, I hurried on,
"What I mean is, I know what you did down there, at breakfast, I know, I mean, I don't blame you for it, I don't' want you to think I didn't deserve that, I mean, I do…"
I stopped and looked at him, begging for him to speak, to rid me of the job. Our eyes met, his grey eyes, solid, powerful, strong, willing me to go on. I didn't want to! Why was it my turn?
His eyes dared me on.
We neither wanted to hear it.
I cleared my throat- loudly. Too loudly. Fake.
'James, please don't make it any worse then it already is. I'm going to forget this- please let me forget you."
His head shot up…'he didn't expect that….' I kicked myself, what if he feels he same way, god Lily, don't say it…
"Please don't talk to me anymore, please don't look at me, or be near me,' I could feel myself breaking, smashing, the hole going deeper and deeper, digging, "You know it James, you knew it. This was never going to work out."
I pushed past him, through the door, "Lily, don't do this." Of course, now he speaks…
"It would be embarrassing if you were seen in the girl's dormitories, I think you'd better go." No- don't go, stay here, please, don't listen to me…
"You don't mean that Lily, you don't want me to do that."
He grabbed for my hand; I let him take it. It was warm, comforting. Pleading.
"No. I don't mean it." I heard my words before I knew I had spoken them.
I pushed his hand away from mine, it felt cold now. I felt alone.
"But please go anyhow."
And he went.
Gone.
-0-0-
He was lying out on his bed, starfish style. Sirius could hear him softly breathing, he looked peaceful- normal. Sirius imagined no one would guess what a wreck he had been only hours before.
"Shit, Padfoot, I don't think I'm getting another chance."
He was going to say 'Of course you are mate, just change your entire image and stop being yourself and she'll come'a crawling back'- the obvious answer- the answer that would make him feel better about himself.
That would see him go to bed thinking tomorrow she will see what a wonderful guy he really is- and jump him the first chance she got.
A lie. A harmless lie, to help him out. A lie all the same.
He saw it.
"James, christ- you love her don't you?"
He didn't have to answer.
You know sometimes- those times in romance novels and people speak without words? Those types of stories that make you puke at the raunchy cover- and then ashamedly cry when the hero dies, as his girlfriend is pregnant?
Yeah, those types of stories.
You know what? You can speak without words. All you have to do is feel it, know it. And then its there- it's written all over your face, in messy black ink- so clear.
Anyone can read it.
-0-0-
Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I came here to talk
I hope you understand
The green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you
I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter now I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes
Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know
Green Eyes
Coldplay (A rush of Blood to the Head)