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Chapter 18

Natalie woke sometime about two in the morning, she tried to get out of his grip carefully without waking him but it was next to impossible, he was holding her so tight as they slept, she tried wiggling out and he started to wake a bit.

"What's going on?" he asked still very much asleep

"I just wanna check on Julia and get some water, you thirsty?" she asked and he mumbled yes as he fell back to sleep.

Natalie went out into the hall, looked into the room Julia was staying in. The child was still very much asleep; she went down stairs and got a glass of water. She was heading back up the stairs when she stopped, looked over towards the photo albums, and walked over to them.

Natalie put the small floor lamp on and she sat in the chair by the sofa. She picked up the envelope from where John had obviously left it when she went up the stairs. She started to open the envelope and look at the pictures but then stopped. She hadn't looked at those pictures in so long; they always hurt to look at. She walked around with enough guilt inside that she never wanted to add to that.

She started to open the envelope again. She could do this, she told herself, and she could look at these pictures, remember everything, and not let it affect her so much. She could find the strength to not be vulnerable, not let her guilt and her grief ruin her life, ruin something that might turn out to be the best thing that happened to her. She would not let it ruin something with a person who might be the best thing that happened to her.

She slowly took out the picture of her, Paul, and Beth. She looked over it and then ran her fingers over their faces in the picture.

He didn't make a noise, or say a word but she knew he was standing behind her in the chair, she felt him, she looked up at him briefly, their eye's met and then she looked back down at the picture. She scooted over a bit on the oversized chair and made room for him to sit with her, he took the hint and sat with her as she continued to look at the picture.

"This picture was taken on my thirteenth birthday, it was the first birthday I had ever spent with them. Shit, it was the first birthday of mine anyone had ever acknowledged. They took me to dinner, it was fairly warm out for October, and we walked on the boardwalk. It was a great birthday, they were great," she told him as his hand came upon her shoulder. She smiled weakly as she continued to look at the picture. She put the picture down on the table next to her, and she picked up the ultrasound of her baby.

"I was alone, all alone when I lost her, and yes, I was pretty sure it was a her. I was so young, and all alone but... I would have made it work, I would have been a good mother, I know I would have, we might not have had much but I would have had my baby and she would have had me" she told him and she took a deep breath, he leaned over and kissed the top of her head.

"You would have been an amazing mother even at such a young age, you will make an amazing mother someday" he told her as he kissed her head one last time.

"That's nice of you to say, but... I might not ever get the chance to be one or to know if it's even true... there was some kind of complication that I still don't understand to this day, and when Chris and I first got married before everything went crazy, I thought if we tried to have a baby right away it would help. Help to heal me, if that makes any sense but it never happened, we tried for along time too, almost a year and the added stress of that just made our already strained marriage worse." she told him still very intently staring at the picture.

"That doesn't mean it won't ever happen for you, it just wasn't right. Chris obviously wasn't right, you and he together weren't right. It was a blessing at the time that it didn't happen for the two of you, things would have been so much worse if there was a child involved." He told her and she looked at him, she saw his sincerity in his eyes, heard it in his voice. She smiled weakly.

"Thank you for that, and I'm sorry" she told him and he was confused

"Sorry for what?" he asked

"I'm sorry that it seems the only time we've made love has been about pain, about my pain, and about making me forget" she told him and he smiled. She looked at him confused now by his smile.

"You said Making Love" he told her still smiling, she put down the picture and started to smile at him herself.

"I know what I said, the first time, the time we were drunk, before I knew you, knew anything about you, it was sex, pure sex with a stranger. At my grandfather's cabin, it was different, you helped me that night and I knew you, sort of, there was something about you. I felt something, and tonight... tonight I feel a turning point, it made me want to tell you more, be with you more, maybe even love you more. I'm...I'm just sorry its all been about me and my pain, I'd love for us to Make love and it be about joy, maybe fun and light."

"It will be, I promise you that, as soon as all these things are freed, as soon as you feel free, we can make love and it will be only about the two of us, no-one else, no guilt, no pain" he told her and she smiled, she got up out of the chair, she took his hand, led him upstairs to the bedroom, they laid down and she started to kiss him deeply.

"I feel more free already," she told him as she started to make love to him again.

About eight in the morning there was a knocking at Natalie's bedroom door, and a small Childs voice came bellowing thru.

"Aunt Natty... aunt Natty, can I come in, its morning, I'm a wake" Julia screamed thru the door as John awoke first, he jumped up out of the bed and started to find his clothes as he heard the knob of the door start to turn, he stood frozen for a few minutes. Natalie woke to john frantically searching for his clothes. She started to laugh

"What are you laughing at, she could be in here any second" he told her quietly as he started getting his clothes on.

"She isn't tall enough nor does she have enough coordination to turn the knob all the way to open it" she said laughing and almost as soon as the words were out the child opened the door and was pushing it open, John freaked, he had just managed to get his clothes on but Natalie was still laying in the bed naked and only covered by a sheet. Natalie's smile and laughter quickly faded as Julia walked into the room.

"Hey, I don't know you were having a sleep over with John?" the girl asked and Natalie became white as the sheet that was over her.

"Ummmmm..." Natalie said fumbling for words, as it was now John's turn to laugh

"Mommy and daddy have sleepovers all the time, can I have breakfast now?" the innocent child asked and Natalie nodded yes, John turned towards Julia, went over, and took her hand.

"Come on I'll make you something to eat while aunt Natty gets up" he told her as he walked her down stairs, he turned to Natalie briefly and smiled and then gave her a small wink.

Twenty minutes later Natalie walked into the kitchen to John and Julia both sitting an eating bowls of cereals. She turned to the cabinet and got herself a bowl as she saw John staring at her, and he was still smiling. Five minutes later the doorbell rang.

"Its gotta be Mommy and daddy, its gotta be" Julia said as she ran into the living room towards the door, Natalie followed behind not to far.

"It is" Julia said excited, Natalie went over opened the front door and Jess and Nash walked in, they both kissed Julia hello.

"Were you a good girl for your aunt?" Jess asked Julia, Julia nodded yes; Jess was just about to say something else when she saw a man walk out of Natalie's Kitchen. Jess' voice caught in her throat. She looked towards Natalie as she noticed he only had on a tank top with his pants, no socks, or shoes. Her mouth continued to hang open

Julia walked over to John as he entered the room; she took his hand and brought him over towards her mom and dad.

"This is John, I thought he was a stranger with a pizza at first but he's a friend of aunt Natty's, they had a sleepover last night like you and daddy do sometimes" the sweet child said and Natalie face turned red, she looked at John who stepped forward to shake Nash's hand.

"John McBain" he said "Nash Brennan" Nash returned the shake, " and this is Jessica, Nat's sister" Nash said as both Jess and Nat weren't speaking, the y couldn't seem to find the words. After a few minutes Jess went over and shook John's hand, she smiled at Natalie as she spoke to him.

"You're Michael's brother right?" John nodded yes, "you're the new chief of detectives right," she asked, and he nodded yes as they watched Julia run into the kitchen for something.

"So that means you and Natalie work together, huh? Friends huh? Are you sure there isn't anything else going on here?" Jess continued to drill John as she kept smiling at Nat; Natalie was starting to get mad at all the questions being hauled at john.

"So you guys had a sleepover as in Chief of Detectives here slept in your other spare bedroom?" she asked in general ands Natalie lost it a bit.

"Yes Jess...Yes... we had a sleep over, but he didn't sleep in the spare room, Okay, enough, he slept in my room, my bed with me, are you happy now, nag? Can you stop with the third degree?' she told her a bit hostile at first but then ended up laughing the last part, Jess to laugh, the men however didn't think it was that amazing, they just stood back an watched as the two of them continued to laugh and walked away from them a bit.

"He's really cute Nat" Jess said and Natalie smiled as she looked back at him.

"I know, but he's much more than that" she told her and Jess looked at her, she was surprised to hear her sisters tone about a man, her face even, something was different.

"Something's different? You? This guy seems different than the others, different than Chris, to you anyways, right? I am right aren't I" jess asked and Natalie nodded as they watched Julia run in with her stuff. They walked back over to the men and Julia; Jess made a point to thank Natalie and told her to call her later they needed to talk.

When Jess, Julia, and Nash were gone John walked over to Nat.

"Well I guess that was pretty awkward, your sister...she's... she's a bit..."

"Annoying, a bit of a hound, yep, she is but that's jess and I love her for it" Natalie said and she couldn't believe it, she just said the word love about her sister. She smiled.

"You are so good for me John McBain," she told him and he was a bit confused but he didn't waste the good mood.

"I am aren't I?" he said and she smiled wickedly at him. He returned the smile

"Come on upstairs let me show you how good I really am to you" he said and they walked up the stairs back to the bedroom.

Two hours later they were still holding each other in bed again, she had her head again on his chest, and he was caressing her back gently with his fingertips.

"Is there anything you want to do today?" he asked her and she smiled to herself.

"We've already done what I wanted to do a few times" she told him and he smiled

"Seriously what do you want to do today, do you have plans, can we spend the day together?" he asked

"If we can spend it in bed" she said in a flirty joking tone

"Are you trying to kill me girl, I'm not as young as you remember?" he told her and she laughed.

'Actually no I don't remember, I know you're a bit older but it just didn't phase me and you didn't seem to have any problems keeping up last night or this morning" she told him and he smiled, he leaned his head down and kissed the top of her head.

After a few minutes of just ignoring the question Natalie turned her head up towards him.

"I know what I want to do today, I want to learn more about you John, today will be all about you telling me everything and anything there is to know about you since you know almost everything there is to know about me" she told him and he sat up, taking her up with him. He looked into her eyes.

"I'm a bit boring, are you sure?' he told her and she smiled

"Trying to get out of it huh? I doubt anything about you is boring, please? I didn't learn that much about you the other night, it would make me feel like this relationship was on level ground" she told him and she smiled weakly to her, he was a bit nervous about telling her all abut him, not that he was a bad person but he was no saint.

"If I have to," he told her and she smiled and nodded yes he did.

'I just don't want you to be disappointed in me, I'm not that perfect, I'm not as nice as you think I am"

"You're perfect to me in everyway that counts, I could never be disappointed in the man that broke down my walls and climbed inside my heart" she told him and kissed him deeply. She smiled at him, as her hands started moving down his chest.

"You are trying to kill me, aren't you?" he said joking as he kissed her back just as deeply.