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Chapter 19

John and Natalie spent the next couple of days together, getting to know each other more, having fun and being content together. John told Natalie all about his life, growing up with a wonderful mother and father till his dad was killed in the line of duty.

John explained to her how much it hurt and how it took him a long time to deal with it, how supportive his brother Michael was. He also told Natalie of his old partner, the one he had been seeing, and the one that was shot and killed in a sting operation for the FBI. He explained the guilt he felt from that, the guilt that he should have been able to stop it, prevent it. How they had even been arguing that day, they had an argument in their relationship and they brought it into the job and how that was what made him feel the most guilt. He also told her about being able to free himself of that guilt. How it took a long time but he, again with Michael's help, accomplished it.

John had spent the last few nights at Nat's cottage with her; he was comfortable there with her, both physically and emotionally comfortable.

"Nat, get up, the alarms going off, we have to get ready for work" he told her as he shook her and got up out of bed, she didn't budge, he came out of the bathroom ten minutes later, showered and even shaved and she still wasn't up.

"Hey, you're gonna make us late, you've gotta get up" he told her and she rolled over to him.

"I can't believe how tired I am lately, I think you are wearing me out," she said as she got out of bed and felt dizzy, he saw her start to sway and he put out his arms and steadied her.

"Wow, that was weird," she told him as she felt better; he started to let go of her as she smiled.

"I guess I'm going to have to start taking more vitamins if you're going to be staying here every night" she told him joking, he smiled back and laughed.

"We both will," he told her as she gave him a quick kiss and went into the bathroom to get ready for work.

John and Nat went their separate ways at work, him to his office, her to the lab, sometime around ten o'clock her phone rang.

"Hello, yeah, hi Michael, whats going on? My blood work, what do you mean something funny? Why can't you just tell me over the phone, Okay, fine Michael what time should I come and see you, I have a lot of work today, can it wait till tomorrow, no? Okay how about five then after I'm done here, good. See ya then" she got off the phone with Michael and was a bit confused and curious, Michael said he needed to talk to her about her departmental blood work, that they found something; he said it wasn't anything serious but what could it be? She asked herself as she decided not to worry about it now, she went back to work, sometime around one o'clock John came into the Lab, he came up behind her while she was analyzing something, there was no one around and he put his arms around her from behind, he leaned his mouth to her ear.

"It's lunch time," he told her flirty, even those words coming from his mouth could make her weak in the knees.

"It is, is it? " she asked back flirty as he started to nibble on her neck.

"Johnnnnnnnnn, you need to stop, someone could walk in" she told him and he ignored her

"So what?" he said and she smiled as he tickled her with the hairs on his chin. She pulled out of his grip for a few minutes and then looked at him.

"Rodi's?" she asked

"No, its a nice day, lets get something quick from the diner and walk thru angel square with it" he told her and she smiled

Twenty minutes late they were walking thru Angel square, laughing, talking, having a great time.

"I can't believe this, you know, you and me, us, how open you make me, how free I feel with you, how much I feel now, you've done that for me" she told him as they walked holding hands, he smiled at her words, he turned towards her as they were walking.

"I Love that I could do that for you, I Love you" he said and she couldn't believe his words, did he just come out and tell her he loved her? She asked herself, she tried to find words but she couldn't, she would have loved to say those words back to him but... but although she was feeling them, feeling love for him, she couldn't bring herself to say it, if she did, if she said the words it would be to real, something might happen to him, to them.

"John, I... I think...I"

"I know, I know it's to soon. This is all new for you, and I didn't mean for it to put any pressure on you. It just kinda slipped out. I wasn't planning on telling you so soon, well at least confirming it so soon. I think we've been showing each other how we feel for the other for the past few days."

"I'm sorry, I just don't think I'm ready to say it out loud yet. If I do... than something bad might happen, to you, to us. I hope you understand, I need for this to go a bit slower, I don't want to ruin it. Can you understand that? Am I even making sense?" she told him getting a bit frustrated inside, she still couldn't chance it, chance everything she found with him by being able to say the words, tell him.

"I understand, and I won't say it again if it makes you uncomfortable" he told her and he pulled her close.

"Thank you" she told him and held on tight to him, a few tears came to her eyes, he felt them thru with shirt as she shed them. He pulled her back, and wiped them away.

"No need for them" he told her and they started to walk back towards the station.

It was almost five o'clock when Natalie grabbed her stuff and was heading out of the station, they had come back from lunch and had gotten busy doing there own things and she hadn't even had a chance to mention anything to him about going over to the hospital. She walked passed his office, she saw he wasn't there and she left him a note that she would call him later.

Natalie walked into the hospital and the nurse escorted her to an exam room, told her to change.

"What? Put this on? I'm just here to speak with Dr McBain about some blood work?"

"DR McBain said to have you change for an exam," the nurse told her and Natalie was now more confused than ever.

Ten minutes later she still hadn't changed, she was fully clothed and sat on the exam table waiting for Michael, he knocked first and then proceeded to come in.

"Natalie, didn't my nurse tell you to change?"

"Yeah, she told me to but I am unsure why so I didn't want to, whats this all about Michael, you are starting to scare me a bit"

"I guess there's no easy way to say this, but... but your blood work showed that you're pregnant."

"Excuse me?" she asked not believing what he had just said.

"You're pregnant Nat, change into the gown, I'll be right back and we'll see how far along you are" he told her as he started to leave the room.

'Michael... it's...it's impossible, I couldn't get pregnant, Chris and I... we... we tired for a long time," she told him and he saw the fear almost in her eye's, the vulnerability almost.

"Nat, it is possible, its more than possible, blood doesn't lie you should know that" he told her and excused himself for a few minutes.

Ten minutes later he was performing a quick ultrasound. Natalie was in shock; she lay on the table frozen. She couldn't form any words nor could she move, her thoughts were immobilizing her. Thoughts of the first time she was pregnant all those years ago. Thoughts of how pregnant she could possibly be, it had only been a few weeks of them being together, actually only about a week of them sleeping together how, how? She shook her head, it was the night, and it was the drunken night they spent together. She knew what Michael was going to say even before he said it.

"You're almost three months Nat, how didn't you know?" he told her and she got more confused

"I don't know Michael, things have been a mess lately, I've never been very regular, I just didn't"

"Any idea who the father is? And what are you going to tell my brother who seems to be goo-goo over you?" he asked her as he wiped the ultrasound gel off her stomach, she didn't answer him for a few minutes.

"I know who the father is and You can't tell John anything, I mean it Michael, nothing, I'm your patient and its against ethics"

"Natalie, you can't keep this a secret from him, all the guy does is talk about you, and you know how he feels, I know your not stupid, and... And well he's my brother, I was a bit against you and he starting anything at first but you seem to have proven you care for him and that it was different for you than the others, you have to tell him, its not fair, your having another mans baby, and then... then you have to tell that other man"

"Michael! I'll tell him alright, when I'm ready, I'm pretty upset about it myself, I'm a bit in shock and I'm afraid I might even lose this one too." she was a bit mad at his lecturing and carrying on, she let it slip, she said it to him, not to john but to another pain in the ass McBain.

'What does that mean Natty?" he asked and she shook her head.

"Nothing, go so I can get dressed, I need to think things over" she told him and he realized he wasn't being fair and that this wasn't right, he was her doctor at the moment and he shouldn't be talking to her as a friend or as John's brother even. He left the room, told her to see him outside for a prescription for prenatal vitamins, she nodded her head yes.

Ten minutes later Natalie was sneaking out of the room, she didn't want to see him again. She didn't want to see anyone. She wanted and needed to be alone.

Natalie got in her car and drove, no particular destination, she needed to think, to clear her head, and she just drove. Her insecurities rose again to the surface, her fears. Finding out she was pregnant, caused it all to come back, everything, it brought back the feelings, the pain even, she started to tear as she continued to drive.

Three hours later she was still driving, she was trying so hard to just focus on things but was still having a hard time doing so, just as she thought about it, about having a baby her mind went blank and she drove her car a bit faster.

It was now ten o'clock at night and she was just reentering Llanview. She had driven all the way to Ac and back, her cell phone had gone off a few times, she ignored it. She knew it was him, she knew he was probably worried but she couldn't deal with him right now, she couldn't speak to him right now. She finally pulled her car up to her cottage and went inside.

Natalie went up to bed; got her PJ's on and was about to go under the covers when she heard the banging on her door. She shook her head and she sighed.

'You did know he would come didn't you?' she asked herself sarcastically even. She knew he would be looking for her. She got under the covers anyway and tried to ignore the pounding on the door. She still just couldn't see him right now, how was she even going to act towards him, she couldn't tell him yet about being pregnant. There wasn't even any guarantee that she could or would stay pregnant.

She tried so desperately to ignore him, the banging, and the now calling out of her name. She got out of bed, walked down stairs, and decided she would have to do this. She would have to do what ever she had to just push him a way for a while. Just till she could focus, form a plan, be strong about this.

"Hey, I've been worried all night" he said as she opened the door for him, he immediately without hesitation walked into her house.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you," she told him almost choking on the words, almost allowing tears to come to her eyes. 'Don't do this Natty, don't cry, don't let him see you cry' that damn voice in her head was back; she shook it off as he spoke.

"Is everything alright? You don't look so good? Where were you all night, I thought we were going to have dinner?" he asked her all those questions as he noticed something wasn't right with her, something was different, he waited for her to answer, a few minutes passed before she did.

"I'm fine, just tired, I had some stuff to take care of tonight that's all" she answered him as she walked passed him, she didn't want him to look at her to much, look into her eye's or he might see, might see that she was trying so desperately to hide something from him, fear.

Natalie started walking around her living room straightening up for which he realized was a nervous habit, he walked over to her as she was picking something up and put his hand on hers over the item.

"Whats going on? I know there's something," he told her as she met his eyes.

"There's nothing"

"I don't believe you, where were you tonight?" he asked still not letting go of her hand

"I... I just needed a little time alone, that's all" she told him as his eye's were unraveling her, he was looking inside her and she was so afraid he would see it all of it, the truth.

"It's because I told you I loved you today isn't it?" he asked her softly and shyly. She shook her head no but he shook his head yes.

"It is isn't it? I knew I never should have said it, let it slip. Now you're retreating back behind your wall" he told her and she was feeling awful. Yes, his words of love today unnerved her. Yes she even would have loved more than anything to say those words back but ...but she couldn't chance it not yet and now with finding out she was going to have his baby...that she was now pregnant again after the last one ended so badly. She was back to being a mess, back to wanting to build up the wall again.

She didn't say a word for a few minutes, she just looked at him, she was hurting him, and she said she never wanted to hurt him, she felt so much for him yet she was hurting him. She took his hand, she held it, she looked into his eye's and she led him up to her bedroom.

John kicked off his shoes, and they got into bed together as he snuggled her back to his chest.

"Just hold me John," she told him as he did.