Disclaimer: I still own nothing but Hollie and Jamie.

Hi there hunnies. Well I made myself cry when I wrote that last chapter lol not much to say about this one so read on.

My Time Is Now

Broken and Lost

John brought Amy home from the hospital 2 days later. They both sat in silence as John drove, Amy had barely spoken since he'd told her about the baby, she hadn't even asked about the twins. John kept glancing at her, she looked so broken, it killed him that he couldn't help her but nothing he could ever do would bring their baby back.

They got home and Amy walked straight upstairs to their bedroom and lay on the bed, her brown eyes staring up at the ceiling. John wanted to follow her but he couldn't bring himself to walk up those stairs. He wished the twins were home instead of with Trish, they meant happiness and joy and life, and he needed to be around that right now. He walked into the kitchen and sat down, he saw one of Hollie's little pink hats and suddenly everything that had happened over the past 3 days hit him. He felt like someone had pulled his heart out and stepped on it, he let go of everything he'd been feeling from the moment he'd seen Amy lying on the locker room floor, he cried harder than he'd ever cried in his whole life.

Amy could hear John crying, she thought about going to him but she wasn't ready to be strong for him yet. She turned onto her side and tried to shut out the sound of John's sobs. She thought she should be crying too but she couldn't, if she cried that would mean admitting their baby was gone, and she couldn't do that yet. Eventually John stopped crying, everything went quiet. The redhead lay there letting the silence wash over her as she fell asleep.

John stood in the doorway and watched his wife sleep. He felt like she was so far away even though she was in the same room. After everything they'd been through he'd thought they could survive anything as long as they were together but he was starting to doubt that now. He sighed as he sat on the bed next to her and ran his fingers through her hair. He lay down and slid his arm across her waist as he listened to her breathing.

"I love you so much Ames…I promise we'll get through this" he whispered softly in her ear.

Amy woke up a few hours later with John snuggled up close to her, she could feel his warm breath on her neck. He always had this way of making her feel safe just by being close to her. She hadn't realized how much she needed to be close to him, tears started to run down her face as she started to cry. John opened his blue eyes and wrapped his arms tighter around her.

"Ames it'll be ok…we'll be ok" he said softly as he held her.

"This was my fault…I didn't deserve that baby after everything I put you through" she said between sobs.

"Look at me Ames…this was not your fault…I don't want you thinking like that" he said as tears began to fall from his eyes.

"It is my fault…I'm a horrible person and a bad mom. I don't deserve you or the twins or our baby…everyone would be better off without me" she cried. John sighed.

"Amy you are an amazing mom, the twin's world revolves around you. And as for me being better off without you? We both know that isn't true…I love you…you're my life, you and the twins mean everything to me…I wish I could make everything better for you" he said sadly as he stroked his wife's hair.

"Why John? Why did this have to happen to us? To our baby?" Amy asked as more tears shone in her brown eyes.

"I don't know Ames…no one does" he answered softly before the redhead threw her arms around his neck and clung to him, her head on his shoulder and tears soaking his shirt.

Amy cried for almost 3 hours, John never let go of her until she cried herself back to sleep. He was sitting out by his pool watching the sun go down when his phone rang. He saw Trish's number flashing and answered it.

"Hey blondie…How are my munchkins doing?" he asked quietly.

"They're fine; we just put them down for the night. How are you guys doing?" Trish asked. John sighed as he looked at his own reflection in the water.

"We're getting there I guess. Can you bring the twins home tomorrow? I think it might be good for Ames to be around them and I miss them" he said sadly.

"Of course we can. Give Ames our love and try to get some sleep…we'll see you tomorrow" the blonde said softly.

"I will. Thank you blondie…for everything" John said before he hung up.

Amy was tossing and turning in her sleep. Her dreams were full of crying babies that always seemed to be just out of her reach, if she did manage to reach them they would disappear the second she reached out to touch them. The more she tried to shut out the cries the louder they became, they were crying all around her and she couldn't make them stop. She screamed and woke herself up. John heard her scream and came running into the room. He saw his wife with the covers clutched tightly in her hands, fear and confusion written on her face.

"Shh Ames…It was just a bad dream" he said softly as he held her tightly. She was shaking.

"It wasn't just a bad dream…if it was then I would wake up and our baby would be ok" she said quietly as she stared into space. John sighed sadly.

"Trish called, she's gonna bring the twins home tomorrow" he said brightly, he hoped that thinking of the twins might help her. She just carried on staring into space.

"Amy tell me how to help you…please just tell me what to do and I'll do it" he said desperately. Amy looked at him; John was shocked at how dull her normally sparkling eyes looked.

"Leave me alone John" she said quietly as she moved herself away from him and lay on her side.

"Ames please don't be like this…don't shut me out" he pleaded. The redhead closed her eyes and sighed but didn't reply. John got up from the bed and slowly walked out of the room. John slept in the quest room that night, not that he actually slept much. He lay on the bed holding one of their wedding pictures. Amy looked so happy then, now she just looked lost.

"What's happening to us Ames? Why can't the world just let us be happy?" he said quietly to himself.

John got up next morning and got everything ready for the twins coming home. He looked in on Amy but she was still asleep. Trish and Marc came in with the little ones. Trish pulled John into a tight hug.

"Where's Ames?" she asked as John picked Hollie up and kissed the top of her head.

"She's still sleeping…I'm worried about her" he said as he put Hollie in her bouncer chair and picked Jamie up.

"I know you are but she'll get through this, you both will" the blonde said softly.

After Trish and Marc left John took the babies upstairs.

"Maybe mommy will feel better once she sees you 2 huh?" he said to the little ones as he carried them into his and Amy's room. He lay the twins down on the bed and gently shook Amy.

"Ames look whose home" he said as she woke up. He saw tears run down her face the second her eyes fell on her children. She got up and ran to the bathroom locking the door behind her. John walked over and stood by the door, he could hear her crying.

"Ames open the door" he said quietly.

"No…I can't do this John" she said between sobs.

"Amy you still have 2 babies who need their mom" he said as he looked over at the twins.

"I can't even look at them…I'm not good enough to be their mom" she said sadly. John was starting to get tired of hearing her say that.

"Amy would you stop doubting yourself like this. The twins love you and need you and so do I" he said.

"Just leave me alone John please" she cried.

"No. Amy you have to face this, we lost our baby and that's about the worst thing that could happen to anyone but life goes on. You can't just hide yourself away from this forever" he said firmly.

"We didn't do anything John, I lost our baby. I'm a mother, I'm supposed to be able to protect my children but I couldn't…I failed. Maybe we shouldn't even be together…you should find someone who can give you a baby, your baby" she sobbed. John's heart broke.

"Amy don't say that. Open the door baby" he pleaded. He heard the lock click and opened the door.

Amy was sitting on the floor with her knees pulled up to her chest. Her body shook with each sob. John knelt down beside her and wrapped his arms tightly around her. She sobbed harder as she finally let go of everything she'd been holding in, all of the pain, frustration and sadness she'd been feeling was finally ready to come out. John scooped her up in his arms and carried her over to the bed beside the twins.

"Amy look at them" John said softly as he placed Jamie in her arms. Amy watched her son as he tried to grab his own feet.

"They need you…and you need them" he said as he picked up Hollie. Amy was still crying but not as badly as before. She ran her hand gently over her son's soft hair and looked into his deep blue eyes.

"I'm sorry" she said softly.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for" John said as he kissed her forehead……

i couldnt stop crying while i wrote this one. i hope you all liked it. i'm thinking of ending this story soon, i've got about another 2 or 3 chapters left to it. please reveiw hunnies. luv ya much.