Soul Calibur News
Disclaimer: I. Don't. Own. SC. I also don't own any of the games mentioned or their characters.
Sophitia: Are you ready, sis?
(Cassandra is having her make-up done)
Cassandra: ...Just a minute...
Sophitia: (Mumbling) Its a fucking cooking show. How much damn make-up do you need?
ON AIR
Sophitia: Oh, hi. Welcome to the Alexandra sisters, where we teach the best Grecian
Recipes.
(Sophitia frantically looks around for Cass)
Sophitia: ...um...err...On with the show!...um...yeah...where's Cass?
(Cassandra comes in and trips over, and everyone stares as she has green and purple make-up on and looks worse than Tira. She has also died her hair purple)
Sophitia: What the-
Cassandra: Its my new look!
Sophitia: Have you been looking at that Tira's Fashion Magazines again?
(Studio Audience goes 'Whoooooooo!')
Cassandra: Well at least I don't film me and my husband having-
(Sophitia whacks Cass upside the head with her sword.)
Sophitia: (Embarrassed and blushing) Lets just get on with the show, OK?
Cassandra: ...so...as my sis was saying, we make the best Grecian recipes around!
(Studio Audience cheers)
Sophitia: ...They never cheer me!
THE RIVAL COOKING SHOW
(Astroroth comes in, swinging his axe, grunting, and accidentally smashing a nearby window.)
Astroroth: (Shouting) Welcome...To the best cooking show around...Astroroth's Appetizers! The Recipes that rock the underworld...and other places like that...
(Cheers from the small studio audience, which is made up of 4 Lizardmen, 2 Berserkers, Charade, Cervantes, Necrid, Olcadan and Zasalamel.)
Astroroth: Thank you, thank you. And now...our top recipe for the day...WORMS!
Zasalamel: gross!
Astroroth: ...I meant worms in a pie...Worm Pie!
LATER
Astroroth: ...so...finally...mix the worms with some spider's blood, stuff in the pie...and bake it for...6 minutes!
(Astroroth puts in in the oven and slams the door.)
Astroroth: So...that's how you make worm pie. Next week, I will be teaching you how to make Evil Sludge Cake-
(The pie explodes so badly the oven door opens and it goes everywhere, including on Astroroth, on the walls, and on the audience.)
Olcadan: Eww...Its all over my feathers!
Zasalamel: This is so gross, man.
Necrid: ...xdhgxdfkjkj...
Olcadan: What the fuck?
Necrid: jdgfxdfukhjhgtuvth?
Zasalamel: Dude...we can't understand you!
Necrid: dsdgjhxhBASTARDjhjhbjfjh...hsjhfjhfDICKHEADhgfg...
(Astroroth is pissed and hits stuff with his axe, and sends one of the Lizardmen flying.)
Astroroth: (Still hitting stuff with axe) It will rain blood today.
Zasalamel: Dude...it already has. Yo, check the walls.
(The blood and the worms are pouring down the walls)
Astroroth: Its one of my lines in that game I used to be in...What's it called again?
Olcadan: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Astroroth: Cool, but no. And do I look like a Turtle!
Zasalamel: Super Mario?
Astroroth: I've always hated that game...
Lizardman: ICO?
Astroroth: You...Fool!
Berserker: Pacman?
Astroroth: What...the...hell
Cervantes: Fatal Frame?
Astroroth: (Sarcasm) Yeah..sure...Who was I? Mio? Mafuyu? Broken Neck?
Cervantes: Good point...you're not scary enough to be in Fatal Frame.
Astroroth: What! At least I'm not a pirate who murders his own crew!
Cervantes: Doesn't that make me more scary? And, yeah...dude..you murdered that Maxi person's crew...Y'know...that guy with the Elvis hair...
Astroroth: I remember now anyway. It was Soul Calibur!