Chapter 2: Carry That Weight

Boy – you're gonna carry that weight,
Carry that weight a long time.
I never give you my pillow,
I only send you invitations,
And in the middle of the celebrations I break down.

The yearbook room is stifling, unusual for May, but typical for our school. I fan myself with my binder and sit down next to Jimmy who has on a nice, terrycloth blue shirt, and wears the "J" necklace I gave him in eighth grade. I can't believe he kept that. He started wearing it over the summer as we grew closer, and now I just think he puts it on as a habit. I never say anything, because I like the unspoken sweetness of it. He is scanning pictures into the computer, compiling the senior superlatives. I wonder if he's sad when he looks at them and can't see Paige,Hazel, or El in any of the pictures, the friends we were supposed to graduate with. I have to admit that sometimes I am.

"Look what I found," said Jimmy, tapping a few keys.

In a few seconds, a picture of us hugging on the Degrassi steps during eighth grade pops up.

"Aaah," I exclaim, grabbing Jimmy's arm. "Where'd you find that?"

"Somebody left the pic in the archives," says Jimmy. "We got Cutest Couple."

"Yeah, for junior high," I say, smiling and shaking my head.

"Well, I was really cute back then," says Jimmy. "Now, you...you looked a hot mess."

I slap Jimmy lightly on the head.

"Long live the muffin hair," whispers a voice behind me.

It's Spinner, carrying an envelope.

"What are you doing here?" I ask. "Trying to weasel into the yearbook under Class Clown? That's already sewn up."

Jimmy nodded and clicked on a picture of J.T., who was wearing rainbow suspenders, a kilt, and platform boots, doing the robot at the Homecoming Dance this past November.

"That's one ugly woman," gasps Spinner. "Nice legs, though."

"Dude, that's J.T.,"says Jimmy, and we both look at him, surprised. Spinner blushes.

"Of course...umm, I have pictures, because believe it or not, Elvira, Darcy and I have won Cutest Couple. For the second straight year."

Spinner hands Jimmy the pictures and Jimmy begins scanning them.

"I can't believe the school year's almost over, and we'll be out of here," I say.

"I'm just glad to get out," says Jimmy. "It seems like we've been in here forever."

"Well, it's definitely an interesting school experience. I took drugs..."

"I took Spin's Ritalin," interrupted Jimmy.

"I...uh...had really bad hair," added Spinner.

We all burst out laughing.

"So, Spin, should I take Miss Most Likely to Succeed to the wedding?" says Jimmy, nodding at me.

"Um, don't you think that would be like...you know, awkward?"

Jimmy looked at the ground for a bit. Nothing had really changed so I don't see why it would be awkward. We still talked everyday. I went to see his art on display in Toronto's new art gallery. I was so proud of him. I even waited for him to get out of his last class so we could head over to the Dot to hang with Spin and Darcy on Fridays.

"Two exes can't go on a friendly date," says Jimmy, looking up finally.

"No, spaz. I mean, think of who's going to be there...I mean, oh, I better go."

Spinner gives me a worried glance, drops the pictures on the desk, and rushes out of the room.

It didn't take long for my brain to catch onto who Spinner was talking about. He'd be there, at the front, looking handsome in a suit, all refreshed from a flight from Vancouver. And I hadn't thought of it before. I figured I would just help with the wedding, but if I showed up with Jimmy wearing my necklace... Spinner's smarter than I am, and that thought made my head hurt. Then Ellie would be sitting up front in a pretty dress, picturing her own wedding to Craig.

"Ash, Spin's wrong. We can still have fun. Craig forgives easily...," starts Jimmy.

"He's right, Jimmy," I say, rising quickly from the chair and leaving the room.

It is still hot here, and I realize it's really me that's heated. I'm sweating all over. I heard Jimmy's chair rolling behind me, and I just stand in the hallway, embarrassed that I'm running and acting so spastic.

"It'll hurt to look at him," I say, tears falling down my cheeks. "I...can't...I can't do it, Jimmy."

"Especially when he's with someone else," says Jimmy sadly. "You're jealous."

I turn around and Jimmy's just as sad.

"Jimmy, I care about you so much. It's just..." My words trail off.

"I saw you two, staring at each other at last year's graduation...," begins Jimmy.

"Jimmy, we...," I try to soothe him.

"It's alright, Ash. We weren't anything official. And now we're not either. It's alright to keep caring about someone."

"I shouldn't be...he's with Ellie."

I say this in a hurtful whisper, and I don't want it to sound like that, like her name is dirty. She did nothing wrong. I was the one that did almost everything wrong. The stupid e-mail, the fling with Ali, the never calling. But now she's kissing him, and I want him to hate it. She's hearing about his songs first, and I want them to mean nothing to her. I want her to look at him one day and wonder why it all faded so fast.

"It feels like I'm paying for...I don't know," I say, choking on the words.

"Ash, don't do that. Remember what you told me when we were dating. Not to beat myself up for picking on Rick, for treating Spin the way I did. It's about now. So don't blame yourself for anything."

I can't even wipe away the tears because they're falling so fast. I wrap both arms around Jimmy, my elbows touching the top of his chair. He kisses my cheek.

"Romeo's gotta let his Juliet go," he says, looking off into space.

I rub the back of his head. "We're supposed to get married before that happens," I joke, pulling away.

"Let's pretend we did," says Jimmy.

We both crack a smile as the bell rings.