V. Hey Jude

Hey Jude don't make it bad,
Take a sad song and make it better,
Remember, to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.
Hey Jude don't be afraid,
You were made to go out and get her,
The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you begin to make it better.
And anytime you feel the pain,
Hey Jude refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool,
Who plays it cool,
By making his world a little colder.
Hey Jude don't let me down,
You have found her now go and get her,
Remember (Hey Jude) to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.
So let it out and let it in
Hey Jude begin,
You're waiting for someone to perform with.

I unlock our front door, which is difficult since I'm carrying my dress in a garment bag and my backpack. It's very quiet when I come inside, and I see Mom sipping tea, staring at the dishwasher.

"Got my dress!" I say, cheerfully. "Paige just randomly showed up like a Fairy Godmother and that was that."

Mom nods.

"I still need to find some accessories. A hair clip, a little purse, nice earrings. We can go shopping, maybe?"

Mom still doesn't say a word. I put down my things and cautiously walk up to her. She's usually the one who initiates after school conversations so I know something has to be wrong.

"Mom?" I say.

She sighs, and pushes the tea cup away. She pulls out a chair next to her.

"Sit," she orders.

I sit, feeling my insides twist in knots. This didn't feel right at all.

"Craig called," she says without the slightest hint of emotion.

"He did?" I say, smiling a bit. "Well, I ran into him earlier..."

"Ashley," she begins, and this time I can feel it coming. "When you went to London, I thought it was for both of you, to clear your head, to let Craig figure out what he needed to. You cut off contact with him. You never asked about him while you were over there. You started seeing Jimmy again. You both seem to be getting along okay. So I really don't understand why he'd be calling. Frankly, I'm concerned that this isn't in either of your best interests."

I run a finger through my hair, feeling my eyes burn.

"Mom, you don't know what happened in London. I mean, you don't know how I felt or feel. You don't want to know."

"Ashley, of course I do."

"No, you don't. You don't like Craig. You never liked Craig."

"I don't know Craig, but I know you, and he's made my daughter very depressed in two different ways."

I sigh, looking around the kitchen. Now I wish Craig hadn't called, or hadn't said anything to her. We never had this problem with Jimmy because Mom liked Jimmy. In fact, she'd fill in the gaps when I became more distant, but that distance was just because I couldn't give him my full heart. It wasn't fair to pretend that everything was fine, and even Jimmy knows that. With Craig, it's not only tears and distance. When we were together, I felt like I didn't have to hide anything, only that I wanted some freedom, but I never thought what I wanted would hurt him. And now maybe he wants to burn bridges. Why can't Mom? People change. I know I have, for years.

"He's also made me the happiest I've ever been," I say, surprised that I'm so confident. "And I've never felt like that, not even with Jimmy."

"Jimmy's a good guy, a very good guy who has never hurt you," replies Mom, who looks insulted that I can't put him and Craig on the same level.

"Jimmy's my friend and I've hurt Craig too. I just want to make it better," I say.

"Or you could leave it alone," suggests Mom. "That would make things better. Let him go, Ashley."

"What did he say?" I ask, my lips tightening.

Mom won't answer.

"Mom!" I shout.

"He just said he was looking for you," answers Mom. "Nothing else."

"Excuse me while I hang up my dress."

I stand up, brush past Mom as she shakes her head, grab my dress, and walk down the hallway towards my room. A quick blur of black hair flashes past my eyes as I bump into someone. It's Manny, in a black crop top and cheerleader pants. She looks more pale than I've ever seen her, and then I see that she's not wearing a lot of make-up. It really suits her.

"Hey," says Manny nervously.

"Hey," I say.

I realize she just came out of Toby's room.

"Visiting the dork duo?" I ask. "J.T. and Toby can be really annoying sometimes."

Manny shrugs. "Actually, J.T. left awhile ago."

"Oh, okay," I say, my brow wrinkling.

"Yeah, ummm...Toby's going to do a website for me. For my acting. So...bye."

"Bye."

I look at Manny as she walks past me and towards the door. Just out of curiosity, I peep into Toby's room and see that he is indeed hard at work on his computer. Then, I notice a roll of mints next to his mouse. No way.

"What?" he demands.

I open my mouth to speak, but he quickly shuts the door in my face.

"Like I care!" I yell at the door.

But yeah, I'm pretty curious. Well, I've got enough on my own plate to deal with.

I hang up my dress and hear a buzzing coming from my backpack. I whip out my cell. Please be Craig, please be Craig. It probably isn't, given Mom's cold reception. I hope she didn't say anything horrible to him. Ugh, she probably did.

It's Ellie. Great, so now I have to handle two awkward conversations in one hour. Or did I? I'm really amazed she's calling, given the fact that we hadn't spoken in almost a year. Our last conversation was before she left for university, with the usual good-bye sayings. Keep in touch...duh, of course...see you during the holidays. But we haven't, and I'm not sure who to blame. I miss my best friend, even when I sat across from her and Craig that one night, the night we said so long. There are so many things I want to ask her and I know I can't. Why didn't she come with Craig to Toronto for the holidays? Are they still really happy? Is she, at least, coming to the wedding? Taking a deep breath, I answer.

"Hello?" I say.

"Ash! I've been trying you for hours," says Ellie.

For the first few seconds, I'm excited to hear her voice, like I was when we first met. She's calmed me down so many times, comforted me so many times, I can't separate the voice from the good times. Then something cold runs inside me as if an ice cube is poking at my chest.

"Yeah. Um...wedding preparations," I respond.

"Oh yeah, the wedding," says Ellie. "Joey and Caitlin, Degrassi's yin and yang."

"So...," I say, maybe a bit too casually. "When are you flying in? Are you through with exams and stuff? I saw Craig earlier today."

There's a long pause on the other end, a slight cough.

"El?"

"I'm not...coming. I mean, I sent them a gift and everything, but it'd just be weird...after, you know. I am coming home later this summer to visit Mom and hopefully you.."

I sat down on my bed.

"Ummm...after?" I prod.

"Craig didn't...he didn't say anything?"

"No, are you guys...okay?"

"Oh no, oh no. We're okay. We're just not okay... together, you know?"

I have no idea what she's talking about, but start to feel really intrusive even though I'm so confused and want to know more.

"El, we don't have to..."

"No, it's just...well, I got here and he'd visit and it was really, really awkward. It was like he missed Toronto so much, wanted to go back every weekend, but I got so involved with my studies and writing here. I love it here, Ash. I can say whatever I want and not feel so judged. Found this group of poets and artists, started a lit magazine. And I found this particular poet...Seth."

"Seth?"

I can picture Ellie smiling, shyly looking down. "We just... I don't know. Don't make me get gushy, Ash. We've never been like that."

I laugh. "You sound happy, though."

"I am. And Seth just never pushed, and since Craig's basically my best friend, he wanted me to be happy. He's okay...well, seems that way."

Best friend. I used to be his best friend. I stare at my cell for a second, then start talking again.

"It just wasn't right, Ash. You can't hold onto something that isn't there anymore. And maybe that means you were meant to be with someone else."

"Yeah, I know that firsthand...actually."

"Jimmy? Yeah, you guys are totally meant to be."

"Yeah...Jimmy."

Flashes of moments with Craig and Ellie start to materialize in my mind. I remember he made a scrapbook of pictures she'd photographed before she went to university. He'd taken so much time to develop them, arrange them in chronological order. She gave him a quick buzz on the cheek. Then, another time, when Jimmy, Ellie, and I were discussing some comic prints we saw at a gallery, Craig came in and presented Ellie with new drumsticks, because apparently, the ones she had been using were getting worn. I had to sit through all of that, see the small kisses, her hands patting his leg. Surely, Ellie had some feelings for him, and I wasn't about to tell her that it was really Craig, not Jimmy, who I wanted to be with.

But at least I know. I know that Ellie's happier with someone else, that Craig can be, that I can be. And I don't care what Mom says. I deserve to know, and to keep going.

"So what else is going on?"asks Ellie, bringing me back to the conversation.

I clutch a pillow to my chest. "Ummm, Toby and Manny, I think," I say.

"No!" exclaims Ellie.

"Hey," I say, flopping back on my bed. "Stranger things have happened."