Chapter 23 – Clouded Emotions
Serena felt her heart drop as she watched Tom follow Rebecca out of the great hall.
"I can't believe him. She's so going to ask him out! Fucking Merlin! I can't believe him!" Serena cried.
"Relax, he won't sweetheart," Eve said, trying to comfort her.
"No, he really will!" Serena cried.
"Serena, go follow them!" Heather said. Serena rolled her eyes.
"I can't do that, that's dishonest!" She said.
"No it's not. You can't let him go with her."
"It's his choice. If he wants to…to…to be with her, I need to let him," She said, staring at her plate and thinking how fat and ugly she must be for him to want to go for Rebecca.
"Serena!" Heather cried. "Look at me!" Serena did as she was ordered, flashing Heather her tearful eyes.
"This is war, darling. You have to fight for what you want." Heather said.
"But-" Serena started.
"And," Heather continued, interrupting her. "If you don't, Eve and I will do it for you. And I certainly don't mind giving her a piece of my mind."
"No, please," Serena said, putting her hands on Heather's shoulders to keep her seated. She sighed.
"Fine. I'll do it," She lied. She was NOT going to spy on Tom. She trusted him. She smiled bitterly as she left the table, realizing she was lying to herself. She didn't trust him. Not at all. But, she was not going to follow them.
She walked out of the great hall and headed straight for her bedroom, feeling like crying. Once she reached her common room, she found the cozy, almost happy setting stifling and even more depressing. Changing her mind, she left her bedroom and made for the showers. She walked into the cold, stone bathroom and listened to the soft thud of the door shutting behind her. With a sigh, she walked over to the sink and regarded herself in the mirror's reflection.
Her hair was a mess, put up into a hurried bun, several strands escaping. It seemed to be the usual hairstyle for her, but normally, it didn't bother her. Her eyeliner was smudging a bit, as it was the end of the day, and even to herself, her eyes looked to be sad pools of mahogany, mirroring the sorrow of her soul.
She sighed and moved to the shower, turning on the hot water. The only thing she did when she was depressed was shower. For some reason, whenever she wanted to be alone with herself, wanted to cry, the only place she could find solace was in the shower, where she could lock out the rest of the world, literally. She mechanically removed her clothes and slipped into the steaming shower.
The water fell onto her numb skin, as she hugged herself. She was so upset. She couldn't believe he was with her. She could almost imagine the things they were doing to each other. At that thought tears leaked out of her eyes, but dripped off her face unnoticed. She leaned against the wall, and slipped down so that she sat, huddled on the floor.
She couldn't believe him. He had told her he didn't want Rebecca, but then, why would he be with her if he didn't want her? She asked herself. Maybe he wasn't doing anything, though? What if he completely rejected her? A small, hopeful voice asked in the back of her mind. She smiled cynically. No, nothing ever turned out how she wanted. She had no doubt that he was kissing her right now, touching her…Serena shivered even under the hot water and turned her thoughts away from such things. In fact, she turned off her mind altogether, not having the strength or desire to think. Instead, she focused on the steady stream of water beating on her back and closed her eyes.
She stayed in the shower for a while longer. Eventually Heather and Eve came in and found her.
"Are you in there Serena?" Eve cried, from the bathroom door.
"No, it's someone else who sleeps in this section of the floor," Serena cried back, rolling her eyes.
"What are you doing in there?" Eve asked through the shower curtain, which was shut tightly.
"I'm cutting myself," Serena cried, melodramatically. She really didn't want to talk at all. She didn't want to do anything.
"No you're not!" Heather cried, on the other side of the curtain too. Serena felt no need to respond and didn't have the energy.
"You didn't go spy on them, did you?" Heather asked. Serena didn't respond.
"Darling, come out of there. You're depressed, I can tell," Heather cried. Serena just stared at the dark stone walls of the shower.
"Sweetheart, come on. It's Friday night! You can't stay like this all weekend!" Heather said. Though Serena couldn't see through the curtain, she could feel Heather looking at Eve to help her.
"Come on Serena. We can go get some hot chocolate or coffee or something," Eve said.
"Guys, I really don't feel like talking right now. I'll be out soon," Serena said. She heard them sigh and the soft padding of their feet as they left. She stayed in the shower another fifteen minutes before getting out. She grabbed her towel and wrapped it tightly around herself. As she was drying herself she heard a knock on the door.
"Serena, can I come in?" came Heather's voice.
"No. I'm naked," Serena lied, making sure her towel was still on.
"I think I'll chance it," Heather said, opening the door and taking a quick peak to make sure she was lying. Obviously relieved to find Serena wrapped in a towel and obviously not naked, she came in and shut the door behind her.
"Oh, Serena you're makeup is all over your face!" Heather said. She glanced up and saw her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes were slightly swollen and she had mascara and eyeliner dripping all over her face. With a sigh, she gathered some tissues and dabbed them in her makeup remover, feeling like doing it manually rather than using magic.
"What do you want?" Serena asked, as she wiped her eyes with the damp tissues.
"I just brought you some sweats and hot chocolate," She said, placing a mug and clothes Serena hadn't noticed before on the counter. Serena sighed and looked up at Heather.
"Thanks," She whispered. Heather smiled and left, seeming to understand Serena's need of space.
After a little, Serena's makeup was completely removed and she washed her face to get rid of the solution. Once she was finished, she dried her face, and threw on the warm sweatpants and tank Heather and brought her. She took a sip of the still hot coco. She decided to dry her hair before she got to cold and then wrapped herself in her school robe. She grabbed the cup of coco and sat on the floor, taking small sips and just letting herself be. She didn't think and didn't move, and after a while she put down her cup and closed her eyes.
The next morning, Serena awoke to the sound of water and face washing and found herself lying on the floor in the bathroom, her mug from the night before lying next to her, and a warm blanket on top of her. She pushed herself up and furrowed her brow, trying to remember just why she was sleeping on the floor in the bathroom. And, with a sinking heart, she remembered. But, she thought confused, she didn't remember the blanket. She looked up and saw Heather and Eve brushing their teeth and washing their faces. Noticing she was up, they turned and smiled at her.
"Wel-gud-morngn" She heard Heather say through her tooth-pasted mouth. Serena shook her head as Heather spit and addressed her afresh.
"Well, good morning," She said.
"Good morning," Serena muttered. "Did you guys bring me this blanket?"
"Yeah. We found you asleep after like an hour when we went in to use the bathroom and thought you might get cold.
"Thanks," Serena said softly.
Wrapping the blanket around her, she got up painfully, rubbing her sides and promising herself she would never sleep on the floor again.
By this time, Eve had finished washing and drying her face so she turned to say hello.
"Are you ok?" Eve asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Serena said. In fact, she was. Well…she was ok, more or less. Mainly, she was just a bit numb.
"What time is it?" She asked, yawning.
"Around 7:00," Heather said. "We're going to breakfast soon. And afterwards we were going to go to Hogsmeade."
"Oh," Serena said. She knew they wanted her to go with them, but at the moment, she really didn't feel like going anywhere. Maybe she'd spend the day in the library and in the romantic, carefree world of her books.
"You should come with us, sweetheart. The fresh air would be good for you," Heather said. Serena smiled.
"I don't think so. I think I'm just going to stay in and be lazy today," Serena said, leaning against the wall. Heather and Eve smiled sympathetically at her before finishing up their morning routine and giving Serena a chance to wash up. The girls waited for her until she was dressed, had freshly applied makeup and clean clothes on before they all walked down for breakfast together.
Serena saw Tom, who smiled at her, and she smiled faintly in acknowledgement as she walked towards the table, Eve and Heather hooked onto her arms in her support. She did not, however, see Rebecca. She didn't let her mind think about where she would be though, and helped herself to some tea.
Soon breakfast was over and the tables cleared. Serena hung out with Heather and Eve for a while, until they left for Hogsmeade. They tried to get her to go with them, but she held firm. She escorted them to the great hall though, and then split: They headed to Hogsmeade and she for the quiet solitude of the library.
She slipped into the library quietly, happy to see only a few scattered people there. She guessed most of them were at Hogsmeade or the Quidditch game that was going on now. Serena wasn't really into Quidditch. I mean, sure, it was fun and interesting, but she just wasn't that much into it.
She roamed through the old, wooden bookcases, running her fingers over various novels. She moved for the nonfiction area to the fiction, preferring, at the moment, a romance/adventure novel over something boring/sad, depressing. She read a few titles, nothing really capturing her attention. Randomly, she chose a good-sized maroon one with its title in delicate gold lettering.
Lost in Love
Serena flipped open the cover to read the inside.
"Floretta is a young witch whose magical powers have been hidden from her for her whole life. As she slowly becomes more and more familiar with them, a haunting new face begins to steal her attention away. What will she do when…"
Serena stopped reading the summary and took the book to the back of the library. She threw her bag on the table and settled herself in a chair. Once she was comfortable, she started reading.
She was so absorbed in her book, she didn't hear the approaching footsteps.
"So this is where you're hiding," He whispered in her ear, causing her to jump.
"Merlin, Tom!" She said, placing her hand on her chest as he laughed at her shocked expression. "You scared me!"
"What are you reading?" He asked, walking around and picking up the book. He smirked as he read the title. "Lost in Love, aw," He said sarcastically. Serena frowned and grabbed her book back.
"How can you enjoy reading that?" He asked, sitting himself in a chair opposite her and bringing it up close.
"For your information, I find them to be highly entertaining," She said, crossing her legs, upset at him and not wanting him near her. She just wanted to shout out at him and tell him to piss off.
"Yes, it is most interesting to read some sappy romance about young people thinking themselves to be in love," Tom said tartly.
"Do you want something Tom?" She asked sharply. He furrowed his brow, obviously confused.
"I just came to talk to you," He said, unsure of what had caused such harsh feelings from her.
"Why don't you go talk to Rebecca?" She asked, opening her book and racing her eyes across the words.
"So this is what this is about," She heard him say. She ignored him and kept pretending to read, wishing he'd just go away. She heard him get up. Good, she thought. But he only came to stand just in front of her.
"Serena," She heard him say. She ignored him again.
"Serena, look at me," He said, placing his hands on hers and closing the book. He lowered her hands into her lap. "What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?" She asked, pulling her hands away from his. "I saw you two leaving the great hall together the other day. And, after the way she's been throwing herself at you these past two months, don't think I didn't know what you two were doing." She said, standing up. She turned away, but his hand caught her wrist and forced her still.
"Serena," He said, for some reason smiling. "You are so ridiculously wrong."
"Don't even try to lie to me Tom. I have eyes. I can see how gorgeous she is," Serena spat, trying to pull away from Tom. His grip tightened.
"Serena, look at me," He said. She stopped squirming and fluttered her eyes up to his. "I have never lied to you." He said firmly. She looked away and his other hand came up to force her eyes back to his. "I told you before: I have no interest in Rebecca."
"Then what were you doing?" She asked.
"She just wanted to talk to me," He said, releasing some of his grip on her arm, now that she had stopped moving.
"Yeah? About what?" She asked.
"Well," Tom said, "if you must know, she was asking me to the dance." Serena's heart started pounding again.
"I knew it!" She cried. " Why don't you two just go and fu-"
"I told her no," Tom said, interrupting her. Serena stopped.
"What?" She asked, feeling both confused and doubtful.
"I said," Tom repeated, "no". Serena was quiet a moment, taking it in.
"Why?" She asked softly.
"Why what?" He asked, even though he knew perfectly well what she wanted to know.
"Why didn't you say yes?" She asked, looking up at him.
"Because I'm already going with someone," He said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Oh?" She asked.
"Yes," He said, the hand on her wrist slipping down to her hand. Serena felt stupid, but she just had to ask, had to be sure.
"Who?" She asked. Tom smiled at her and brought her hand up to his lips, kissing it lightly.
"A girl who must have the lowest self-esteem in the world," He said once his lips left her hand. Serena felt herself blush. She felt so embarrassed .She had just acted so immature! She suddenly felt terrible about the way she had behaved.
"Well…you make up for me," She said meekly. Tom smiled again.
"Did you really think I would go with her?" He asked. She just nodded her head.
"Serena you are so stupid," He said. "This dance would be like our one year anniversary." He said, as he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close against him. Her heart started beating wildly again. Her one year anniversary with Tom! She hadn't even thought about that. But he had! Merlin, he had! She thought to herself, freaking out at how much she must have meant to him for him to notice and remember that. She smiled and looked up at him. His eyes met hers and he leaned down to kiss her. Fiery shivers raced across her skin as his tongue plundered her mouth. His hands drew circles on her back, pressing her closer to him. After a few minutes of strongly heated passion, he released her, and she let her head rest against his chest.
"Tom…I'm sorry," She said softly. "I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions."
"It's fine," He said against her hair. She stood a moment, lost in the comfort of his strong embrace. But, after a while, despite herself, she found herself pulling away. He looked down, confused.
"Tom,…I have to ask," She said. He looked at her, eager to help.
"Yes?"
"How…How did Rebecca take it?" She asked. Tom smiled.
"Not so well," He said. "She seemed a bit embarrassed and upset at the fact I was taking you instead." Serena couldn't help smiling.
"You really don't like her, do you?" He asked, bringing her back against him. Serena looked up into his face and shook her head.
"Not at all," She said honestly. Tom grinned and bent his head in.
"You know," He whispered somewhat huskily in her ear, "I could kill her for you. If you wanted me to."
"No!" She almost shouted, trying to pull away from him, but his strong arms around her waist kept her in place. Tom laughed.
"Ok, ok," He said. "But just let me know if you change your mind."
"Don't worry," Serena said, smiling nervously. "I won't." Why oh why was she dating such a psycho? She asked herself.
"That is a shame," he muttered. Serena rolled her eyes.
"So," He asked, "want to go someplace a bit more private?" Serena smiled and let him lead her out of the library.