XI. Ask Me Why

I love you,
Can't you tell me things I want to know?
And it's true that it really only goes to show
That I know that I-I-I-I should never, never, never be blue.
Now you're mine,
My happiness still makes me cry.
And in time you'll understand the reasons why
If I cry it's not because I'm sad
But you're the only love that I've ever had.
I can't believe it's happened to me.
I can't conceive of any more misery.
Ask me why
I'll say I love you and I'm always thinking of you.

I hear the hum of a car pulling into Craig's driveway, and look through the peephole. Mom. She just sits there awhile, pretends to check her hair in the rear view mirror, taps the steering wheel a couple times, then opens the door. I don't want her to bother Joey, so I open the door and meet her face to face. She sighs, shakes her head, and points to the car. I move past her, feeling a waft of cold night air. It had to be around one-thirty. We drive for around five minutes before she says anything. I'm not even really thinking about her or about being in this car. I'm thinking of another car, the one that's carrying Craig to Ellie. He didn't even really say good-bye. Maybe I wasn't worth a good-bye. Maybe the good parts of tonight were just some dream.

"One-thirty, Ash," mumbles Mom. "One-thirty!"

"I know, Mom," I say.

"You just took off after leaving some cryptic note on the fridge...of course, just saying you were going to the dance, but not with who. You shut your cell off. Luckily, Toby had his, though I had a hard time reaching him for about an hour."

I shrug. "Mom, I'm really tired."

"Why wasn't he there? Why couldn't he have taken you home, or at least faced me like a mature young man?"

"Because he didn't want to face the firing squad," I whisper under my breath.

Mom exhales deeply, and I'm sure she at least caught the last two words. I play with my seat belt, then keep my eyes on the glove compartment.

"He's...helping a friend," I admit. "Because he's a good guy."

"If he's just helping a friend, then why do you look so troubled?" asks Mom.

I glance at her quickly, then look away. I know that she knew she had touched a nerve.

"Is this friend a girl?" prods Mom.

"Can we switch on the radio?" I say, turning a knob and listening to some country singer wail about her relationship blues.

She sings about how she's left with her guitar in some bar, thinking about where he's gone. The song was pretty bad, bland and one repetitive melody, but I lay my head against the window anyway, and let a couple tears fall.

"It's Ellie," I say.

I feel a hand, Mom's, stroke my hair as we pull in front of our house.

Hazel sneezes into some purple tissue paper, fanning her face, her red eyes looking up at me.

"This wedding...is going...to kill me," says Hazel, releasing another sneeze.

We're in the local nursery, surrounded by rows and bushes of flowers, making sure the arrangements are perfect for the wedding. I really didn't want to go, actually. I'd holed up in my room the entire weekend, trying to concentrate on my last final, Media Immersion, but really thinking about the night of semi-formal. But Paige had called, anxious to spend some time with me before she went back to Banting for a summer course. Apparently, she was the one that urged Hazel to go out with Jimmy, because Hazel had had a dry spell all year, even going so far as to drop Hazel off that night. Still, it was a nice gesture, and it seemed to be working as Jimmy and Hazel were attached at the hip from that very moment.

I wave to Jimmy, who is standing at the counter, talking to a cashier. He ushers me away and puts a finger to his lips.

"Umm, Hazel, let's get you away from the marigolds," I say, dragging her to the other girls.

Caitlin, Emma, Manny, Paige and Darcy are watching Demetria stuff a mock bouquet.

"I...I didn't want baby's breath," says Caitlin, giving Demetria a polite smile.

"It's filler...you like it with the other flowers. It mean you innocent...you are pure, aren't you?" replies Demetria.

"Um...I..."

"You deserve to wear the white dress, eh?" continues Demetria.

Caitlin plays with her ring a little, and scratches her head. Paige, noticing Caitlin's nervousness, grabs the bouquet and plucks out the baby breath, then replaces them with oleander.

"Grace over purity," she says. "Umm, Emma, why don't you take care of the floral centerpieces? You did that for homecoming, right?"

Emma nods. "Come on, Demetria. I...um, could use an extra hand."

Demetria, looking confused, follows Emma to the other side of the nursery.

"I like the baby's breath," mutters Darcy, as she and Manny follow Emma..

"You would," says Manny, yanking Darcy's ponytail.

"The sprinklers in here make me have to pee," says Darcy.

"TMI, Darcy...TMI."

Caitlin slaps a hand to her forehead. "I just keep telling myself...she's a friend of Joey...she's a friend of Joey's. Why is she a friend of Joey's?"

"Well, I have some awkward friends," says Paige, looking at Hazel at me.

I hit her with a piece of tissue paper. Hazel, too busy holding in her breath to respond, sits down in a nearby chair.

"It's nice having guy friends. I know Joey fixed Demetria's car once," says Caitlin.

"And they're nice for getting things off the top shelf, telling you what guys really think, and in Marco's case, suggesting good make-out movies. Then again, it's really hard to be friends with guys sometimes," says Paige, retrieving some carnations.

I lean on a wall besides Hazel, rubbing her back as she sneezes again.

"Tell me about it," says Caitlin. "Sometimes the friendship is just an excuse to get close. That's how it was with me and Joey."

"From lovers to friends to lovers," says Paige, presenting Caitlin with a beautiful bouquet. "My gift to you."

Lovers to friends to lovers. I stare down at my cell, anxious to dial his number. Why wasn't he calling? Why wasn't I calling? I trusted him. I just don't trust the situation.

Caitlin buries her nose deep in the bouquet and grins widely.

"The magic of Paige Michalchuk," praises Caitlin. "You're so in the right career field."

"Queen of matchmaking and merriment," says Paige. "Except in Ashley's case. She hasn't been happy all day."

"Just have a lot on my mind," I say, shrugging. "Finals."

"Relax," instructs Paige. "Didn't I tell you that three years ago, when you were hiding under your black Craig cloud? Now it's good because Craig's totally in love with you."

"Yeah...sure," I say, after Hazel sneezes again. "Um...bathroom."

I flip open my phone, but then shut it again. I walk over to Jimmy, who has a nice bouquet of red roses in his lap. Giving him a weak smile, I cross my arms.

"Good thing you didn't get marigolds," I say.

"No...no, I don't want to kill her," says Jimmy, chuckling. "I think these are okay."

I uncross my arms, and stare at some seeds for sale, then a ceramic frog, then Jimmy.

"Jimmy?" I say.

"Yeah?"

"Do you...this is going to sound so obnoxious and immature...but why'd you like Ellie more than Hazel last year?"

Jimmy blinks, looks taken aback.

"Sorry," I say, backing away. "Sorry."

"No," says Jimmy, wheeling toward me. "It's okay."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Umm...well, I was at a different stage in my life and Hazel and I just weren't connecting anymore. We tried to work it out. Ellie and I...well, it just seemed effortless. The conversations with her were easier, and we'd talk for hours. She kept encouraging me to do what I wanted, instead of what my dad wanted. She's really good that way...encouraging people. But still she's not the girl I love."

I nod. "I hope Hazel likes the flowers," I say, giving him a warmer smile.

"I hope I don't kill her," says Jimmy, moving past me.

I watch him hand her the flowers. She gives him a huge hug, red eyes and all. I think about how Craig is probably comforting Ellie right now, for whatever reason, and I'm here, waiting for I'm not sure what. The phone rings. It's Craig. I let it ring four times, then press Speak.

"Hello," I say.

"Ash," says Craig through some pretty bad static. "Hey!"

"Hey. Are you okay?"

"Yeah...yeah. I'm in my car now."

"Good. I was afraid you were going to miss everything and..."

"Oh, I'm still on campus. I'm taking Ellie out to eat."

Out to eat? Where? Why? Just ask why, Ash, I keep hearing my conscience say. Just ask why.

"Oh," I say. "That's good. Is she okay?"

"We're working it out."

Working what out? That's what Jimmy had said before him and Hazel broke up. Working it out.

"Good," I say, my lips growing tense.

"I just wanted to check on you, make sure you got home okay and everything. I'm shooting to come home the day of the rehearsal."

That was four days away. What were they going to be doing for four days?

"Because you can't miss the bachelor party," I say, coldly. "You know, all those other women."

"What?" says Craig on the other line.

"Enjoy your food," I say, clicking the phone off.

Paige walks over, her hands full of baby's breath. She starts to say something, but I brush past, knocking it over. Who cares? The innocence of this seems to be slipping away.