XV. Julia

Half of what I say is meaningless
But I say it just to reach you, Julia.
Julia, Julia, oceanchild, calls me
So I sing a song of love, Julia
Julia, seashell eyes, windy smile, calls me
So I sing a song of love, Julia.
Her hair of floating sky is shimmering,
Glimmering,
In the sun.
Julia, Julia, morning moon, touch me
So I sing a song of love, Julia.
When I cannot sing my heart
I can only speak my mind, Julia.
Julia, sleeping sand, silent cloud, touch me
So I sing a song of love, Julia.
Hum hum hum hum… calls me
So I sing a song of love for Julia, Julia, Julia.

I apply some pink lipstick to my mouth, then check to see that none of it has managed to find its way onto my teeth. I'm in the clear, and check the back of my dress in my bedroom mirror. It looks surprisingly good, with the grey satin bringing out my eyes. I try to put on some blush, but my hands are shaking. Then, I attempt to put up my hair, but getting frustrated, I can't make it work and let my hair hang straight. Why am I so nervous? I know why I'm nervous. Because I have to be the one to take the initiative this time, make the decision, cough up the courage. I got dressed without a thought in my mind...well, alright, several thoughts in my mind all centered on Craig.

Someone knocks on my door and I tell them to come in. Mom.

"Ashley, you look stunning," says Mom, as we both look in the mirror.

Mom and I really haven't talked since prom night, except quick hellos and good-byes. Surprisingly, she didn't bring up Craig again, or press for further information.

"I don't know what to do with my hair," I say.

Mom finds some hairspray and pins, then starts to go to work. Even though I'm sure I was old enough to do whatever style she has planned, it didn't feel like I was five.

"Thanks," I say.

"You should feel a lot more confident," says Mom, clipping some of my hair in a diamond-colored clip.

I sigh. "I don't know. I'm just really twitchy today."

Mom smiles. "Would you feel less twitchy if I told you Linda Kwan just called me?"

"Miss Kwan? Why?"

"Something about you getting a valedictorian speech ready."

I jump up and hug Mom, probably damaging whatever progress she made on her hair. Mom squeezes me tight and kisses my cheek.

"I...I can't believe it," I murmur.

"I can," says Mom. "I'm so proud of you, Ashley. You've been through so much at that school and you just excelled. You can get through everything."

Sitting down, Mom finishes my hair, a cute updo where one half of my hair is pinned up and the other hangs to my back. I take a deep breath, and look down at Craig's ring.

"Mom...if Craig were to...date me again...would you mind?" I ask, staring at her reflection in the mirror because it's easier to face that than her.

I thought of all those times Craig made the move. He asked me to the luau dance, and I remember walking more slowly after he got the question out, prolonging the moment. He ran out of the studio, not knowing what would happen, bouncing around me like he was on a high. He proposed, offered to do the Kevin Smith song with me, wanted to go to England with me. And within a matter of a couple weeks, he's asked me to come to his house to talk, taken me to prom, sought me out even though I was mad at him. He's right. It's my turn.

"Is that an...," she begins, staring at my hand. "Never mind."

"It isn't what you think," I soothe her. "But I want to give it another go."

Mom gives my hair a final spray, and clutches me from behind.

"You're a smart girl, an adult, so smart I trust you," she says. "I can't tell you not to listen to your heart."

"Someone just cut the cheese," complains J.T., winding down the window in Toby's car.

"Stop stinking up my Bubbie's car," orders Toby, turning left and staring at J.T., Danny, and I in the backseat. "The air freshener won't cover up your gas."

I knew I should've rode with Spin, Darcy, Jimmy, and Hazel. Up front, Manny is checking her make-up in a compact mirror, then turns around and glares at Danny.

"Nasty," she says to him.

"This one's especially for you," replies Danny, then lets out a really audible fart.

I pinch my nose as Manny punches Danny. J.T. laughs and shakes his head.

"So I heard Kwan called you, Ash," says Toby. "That's weird."

"Yeah...I kind of got valedictorian," I say shyly, through my pinched nose.

"Whoa, that's amazing," praises Manny. "Congrats."

"Thanks," I say.

J.T. frowns. "Yeah, congratulations," he says.

I could tell he was already thinking about how to break the news to Liberty. Then, I feel bad and look down at my lap the rest of the ride to the church.

As soon as we arrive, J.T. wanders off, probably to go find Liberty. Toby and Manny drift away, and Danny makes for the bathroom. I stand in the foyer, staring at a marble angel statue in front of the church bulletin board. The sun shines on her head, like a little halo.

"Excuse me, miss?" says a deep, nervous voice.

An attractive, younger man with a bald head, wearing glasses, stands next to me, dressed in a nice, black suit.

"Hi," I greet him.

"Are you a friend of Joey's, by any chance?" he says.

"Um...yeah, I helped with the wedding," I reply. "Is...is something wrong?"

"Oh, no. It's just...I can't really...tie a tie. I mean, Lucy did mine."

I shrug. "Well, I can help. I've helped my dad and Chris with theirs."

The man lets out a sigh of relief. "Great. I'm Derek, by the way."

I follow him into a side room, and we walk in to see Joey, wrestling with a blue, silk tie. His bald head has beads of sweat, and he throws up his hands in frustration.

"Wheels, it's no use," says Joey.

"I found a recruit," says Wheels. "Of the female variety."

Joey wipes his brow, and gives me a relieved grin. "You're my hero."

"I was pretty clueless," admits Wheels. "Bordering on useless."

"Don't let him fool you, Ash," says Joey. "This guy's a fantastic motivational speaker. Far from useless."

Wheels turns red, and claps Joey on the back before leaving. I start lining up Joey's tie.

"If it helps at all, I was nervous today, too," I say.

"Any particular reason?" asks Joey.

"Just...I don't know. It was weird," I say.

"I wasn't this nervous last time," says Joey. "Maybe because I was marrying my best friend."

A quick image of Ellie pops into my mind, but I brush it away, concentrating on making a good knot.

"You really cared about Julia," I say. "You can see it in your eyes."

Joey nods. "She always understood me, supported me. She was such a good person, wonderful with Craig and Angie."

"She sounds wonderful."

"She was, but she wasn't Caitlin."

"She's not your best friend though?"

"No, it's more like I have to keep guessing with her. It's...exciting? She's a challenge, she's inspiring, she's...she's everything."

I straighten Joey's tie. "You're done. Go get married."

"You always were my favorite of Craig's exes," says Joey, looking pleased with the result. "But I guess you won't be an ex for long."

"I don't know," I say, biting my lip to keep from smiling.

"Well, I know," says Joey.

After leaving Joey's room, I run right smack into Liberty, who has on a really pretty, pale purple dress.

"Hey, Liberty," I say. "Sorry."

Liberty rolls her eyes. "Hey, Ashley."

"Umm...so this place is probably going to be packed in about fifteen minutes."

"Probably," she says coldly. "Excuse me."

I watch her walk away, and feel the room get chillier. Danny comes up to me and hands me a stick of gum.

"A peace offering from the Van Zandts," he says. "And fresh breath is just a bonus."

"Thanks," I say.

Danny ducks into the sanctuary, and I peel open the wrapper, then plop it in my mouth. After a few good chews, I start feeling a slow burning on my tongue. It grows so intense that my eyes start to water. Some peace offering, Danny. Spinner and Darcy enter the foyer, having just arrived.

"Hey, Ashley," says Darcy, pulling a sweater over a shiny white dress.

I can't talk, but instead mumble, "Kitchen."

"Midget?" says Spinner, giving me a puzzled look.

"Oooh, charades," says Darcy, beaming. "Pigeon? Religion?"

"You can't talk in charades, Ash," informs Spinner.

I shoot him the evil eye, then turn heel and start peering through different doors. After a few tries, I find the kitchen, fetch a glass from a cupboard, and pour myself some water. I start drinking, standing in front of the sink.

"Hey!" shouts a voice, and I feel two strong hands circle my waist. "You came!"

I jump, then spit the contents of my mouth on the person speaking. Craig.

"Oh, I'm so...I'm so sorry, Craig," I say, watching droplets of water slide down his nose.

"Towel," says Craig, wiping his eyes and trying his best to see me.

"Yeah...a towel. Where...," I say, looking near the dishwasher, finally finding one and handing it to him.

As Craig wipes off his face, I rub my hands with a paper towel, shaking my head in disbelief. I don't think I've been this embarrassed before, well, in front of him. As I rub, I notice that my hand feels lighter. The ring is gone. I fumble around in the sink, hoping it's slid to one of the sides. No luck. My breathing starts getting rapid, and I start shaking.

"It's alright, Ash," says Craig, looking concerned. "Water doesn't kill."

"It's...it's Julia, Craig!" I exclaim. "The ring...the ring!"

"Ash, I don't know what you're talking about," says Craig. "Calm down."

"The ring is in the sink," I say, massaging my throbbing temple. "Julia's ring!"

Craig furrows his eyebrows and kneels down, opening the cupboard under the sink. I crouch down too, and look under.

"It's probably down the drain by now," says Craig. "I'll have to look in the pipes."

"Is that something you can do?" I ask.

"Well, I'm no Sean, but Angie's gotten so much stuff stuck in our sink," says Craig. "I just need tools."

"Okay," I say, getting up and spying a tool chest near the refrigerator.

It's heavy so it takes me a while to get it to him. I hand him what he needs, and pretty soon, the room is full of the clinking of pipes.

"This shouldn't take long," says Craig, his voice a little bit muffled from the cupboard.

"I'm such a spaz," I say. "If I lose this ring, you and Joey will probably hate me. Not to mention Angie."

"Relax," replies Craig. "I'll get it."

"Okay," I say, my mind easing a little.

I peer down at my hand. Now that it was actually gone, I realize how much I've looked at it, thought about it, enjoyed having it.

"Meanwhile, don't stare at my plumber's butt," says Craig.

"You mean, your gnome knocking-over bum?" I say, feeling a smile creep up on my lips. "How could I resist?"

"Bum? Someone stayed in England too long."

Craig inches out of the cupboard, and scoots over to me. He uncurls his fist, and I see the ring.

"Keep this close, valedictorian," he says, winking at me.

I blush. "Who told you?"

"Toby," answers Craig. "That's amazing, Ash."

He helps me up, and stares into my eyes. It makes me feel really light-headed.

"It's not a big deal," I say.

"Yeah, it is," says Craig. "And so is this...you being here, I mean."

I'm not sure what to say after that, so I look away.

"This reminds me of when my mom got her wedding train stuck in Grandma's car door," says Craig, chuckling. "Nothing really seemed to go right that day. But it felt right, and I guess that's the thing."

"That's cute," I say. "I mean, Caitlin's a klutz too. Joey has a thing for accident-prone women, I suppose."

"He's not the only one," says Craig, tucking a hair behind my ear.

I finally found that courage I've been trying to find the whole morning. Putting my hands on his chest, I purse my lips, and am inches away from his face, when we hears heels clapping against the linoleum floor.

"Ash! Craig!" exclaims someone from the doorway.

I turn my head, and see a familiar head of curly, thick red hair. Ellie appears, grinning, in a cute black dress with long sleeves.

"El!" says Craig, returning her smile. "Hey!"

She wraps Craig in a long hug, blinking up at the florescent lights of the kitchen. She waves at me as she hugs him. I don't smile, but I wave. My face grows warm, warmer than Danny's gum could ever be. Did she even know that I was unaware of whatever happened during those four days? She acted like nothing had happened.

"I thought you weren't coming," says Craig.

"I know, but couldn't miss my best friend's toast," says Ellie, squeezing his arm. "I just know you're going to do great."

"Hopefully," says Craig. "You should go find Caitlin. I'm sure she'd want to see you."

Craig gives me a private smile, maybe to let me know he was trying to get rid of her, or maybe it was something else.

"Ash!" says Ellie, throwing her arms around me. "You aren't going to say hi?"

"Hi," I say quietly, only using one arm to hug her.

"Well, let's go find Caitlin," says Ellie cheerfully, guiding me out of the kitchen.

Craig starts to speak up, but then shrugs at me, placing the ring in his side pocket. Ellie and I start down the hall, her chatting happily the whole time.

"You're really quiet today, Ash," notes Ellie after I haven't said a word.

"Yeah," I reply. "It's just been a really strange day so far."

"It'll get better," says Ellie, hugging me from the side. "Now that I'm here."