XVI. Crying, Waiting, Hoping

Crying, crying,
waiting, waiting,
hoping, hoping,
you'll come back,
I just can't seem
to get you off my mind.
Crying, crying,
waiting, waiting,
hoping, hoping,
you'll come back.
You're the one I love.
I think about you
all the time.
Crying, crying,
tears keep a-falling
all night long.
Waiting, waiting,
it seems so useless,
I know it's wrong
to keep on...
...crying, crying,
waiting, waiting,
hoping, hoping,
you'll come back baby,
someday soon
things will change
and you'll be mine.
Crying, crying,
tears keep a-falling
all night long.
Waiting, waiting,
it seems so useless,
I know it's wrong
to keep on...
...crying, crying,
waiting, waiting,
hoping, hoping,
you'll come back
maybe someday soon,
things will change
and you'll be mine.
Crying, crying,
waiting, waiting, hoping, hoping.

A lovely silk veil hangs over a mannequin's head near a couple perfume bottles on the vanity table. Though I'm sure Caitlin wouldn't like the term, she looked exactly like a blushing bride: her face glowing, rosy cheeks, dazzling eyes. It almost didn't seem real, her getting ready to walk down the aisle to the man she's always loved, exchanging vows. Then Ms. Ryan walked in.

"The pearl clip to hold the veil has a smudge on it!" she exclaimed. "Who did it? Come on, fess up."

Emma, Manny, Ellie, and I exchange worried glances, while Demetria stares at the floor.

"Mom...," starts Caitlin.

"I swear, we can't get through one hour without something going wrong. First, the cake got delivered to the wrong room, the ringbearer doesn't speak any English..."

"He's Tomas' nephew, Mom," interrupts Caitlin. "He's from Portugal and he's seven."

"That doesn't help me when I need to know where the ring is. Imagine if he lost something that special."

My ears are burning as I think back to the kitchen and Julia's ring almost disappearing forever.

"Excuse me, Ms. Ryan," says Ellie, cautiously. "Um, this is basically Caitlin's day, but in a way, it's your day since she's your only daughter. Why ruin it by stressing out so much? I mean, Caitlin's nervous enough, right?"

Everyone holds in their breath, and even Caitlin looks hesitant. I have to admit that was pretty bold. Ms. Ryan's face grows tense, but soon relaxes.

"I'll clean off the smudge," she says in a softer tone that she hasn't used since she arrived in Toronto.

She leaves the room, all our eyes following her.

"Awesome, Ellie!" says Manny, nodding her head in approval.

Caitlin sighs. "Thanks so much, Ellie. I'm so glad you're here."

I feel a pang in my stomach, and think, well, at least one of us in this room is glad. My conscience comes back and then I feel awful for thinking that.

"Anytime," says Ellie.

"So do you have everything? Something borrowed...," says Emma.

"My grandmother's sapphire necklace," replies Caitlin, touching her neck.

"Something blue?"

"Angie's hair ribbon tied around my bouquet."

"Something old?"

"A charm bracelet Joey gave me in high school," says Caitlin, making sure it's on tight.

"Something new?"

"My wedding dress."

Caitlin stands up and turns around for us all to see. It was beautiful, hand-sewn by Joey's mother, with gorgeous beadwork on the bodice, a tulle skirt that sparkled, and a hint of blue at the waist.

"So beautiful," says Demetria. "I cry but I smear the rouge."

"You look awesome, Caitlin," agrees Emma. "Joey's going to burst into tears."

"Now I just need to put on some perfume and the veil, and we're done," says Caitlin, going to the table.

Manny goes over to the table and starts spritzing a couple on her wrist and the top of her arm..

"Something old, something new...this is definitely something pewww," says Manny, wrinking her nose. "Mmmm, this one's good."

Manny holds up her wrist for Emma to sniff.

"Smells like Skittles," says Emma, then sniffs Manny's other wrist. "I like the citrus-y one."

"Ellie, you have good instincts. What do you think of this one?" asks Caitlin, giving her a bottle. "It's Sunset Serenade."

Ellie puts the bottle under her nose. "I like it," she says.

"It helps if you put it on your wrist," advises Manny. "You can get the full effect."

Ellie shrugs. "No, I'm a more natural girl," she says, putting down the bottle quickly.

She gives Caitlin a hug from behind and leaves the room. I tell Caitlin I'll be right back and jog after her, which is pretty difficult in my silver, medium-sized heels.

"A little too girly for you in there?" I ask, walking beside her as she heads to the washroom.

Ellie starts fixing her hair in front of the mirror, trying her best not to look at me.

"Whatev," she replies.

"Ellie, those are really long sleeves for the summer," I say, swallowing a lump in my throat..

"The church might be cold," says Ellie, her voice cracking a bit.

"Ellie...," I begin.

A few tears start to fall down her face, and she wipes them away hurriedly, staring at a stall.

"You don't have to hide anything, El," I say, trying to hug her.

She lunges back, and really starts to sob. Maybe I'm making it worse. I instinctively grab some paper towels and hand them to her. She accepts those.

"Ms. Ryan's definitely not the worst stress you can have," says Ellie, dotting her eyes.

I nod sympathetically, keeping quiet because it seems to be best for now.

"Ash, I haven't done it in two years," whispers Ellie. "And I'm really, really trying. I cover up my arms so I won't get tempted, and the rubber bands are back on my wrist. It's just...I can't...I can't..."

Finally, she lets me hold her, and I can feel all her muscles shake as she cries. I peer down for a second, and there are two red rubber bands that have fallen out of the sleeve of her dress. All those times in my head that I wish she wasn't around, and now I want her here. I stroke her hair.

"I called Craig and I'm sorry if that bothered you, but if he was there, I knew...," says Ellie through staggered breath.

"You knew you could beat it," I finish for her.

I look at our reflection in the mirror. Her mascara, which wasn't that heavy, covered her cheeks, but you could see the bags under her eyes. I wonder how much sleep she's gotten since Craig left, or before Craig arrived.

"He was so nice, offered to stay until I got over it. I told him not to tell you," says Ellie. "I don't want you to think I'm not strong."

"Ellie, I think you're so strong," I say. "I'll always think that."

"Thanks, Ash," she says, squeezing me tight.

"You ready?" I ask, looking at the exit..

"Leave it to me to cry before the wedding," says Ellie, as we charge through the door.

Returning to Caitlin's room, I see Caitlin already has on the veil and is scooping up her bouquet. Ellie elected to go right into the sanctuary and take her seat, after politely declining my tries to go with her. As Ms. Ryan, who seemed more relaxed than I've ever seen her, fastens the pearl clip into Caitlin's blonde hair, I think back to all the support Ellie must've given Craig while I was in England. But hadn't I stayed with him that first night in the hospital, listened to his fears, almost stayed because I thought Craig would need me. But I needed me too. Maybe this was the price for finding me–guilt.

"Going to the chapel and we're going to get marrrrrrried," sings Manny, tapping Emma on the head with her bridesmaid bouquet.

"If you don't shut up, I'm going to poke you with my nail file," sings Emma, smoothing out her hair.

Caitlin stands and takes a deep breath. "Okay," she says. "This is it."

Emma and Manny squeal, while Ms. Ryan mouths "I love you" to Caitlin.

"I love you, too, Mom," says Caitlin, beaming at her mother.

Emma and Manny leave, Ms. Ryan trailing behind her. You can hear the rustles of their dresses.

"Good luck, Caitlin," I say.

"Thanks, Ashley," says Caitlin, studying my face. "Is something wrong?"

"No," I say, looking down at the floor.

"Well, I don't believe that," says Caitlin. "But I do believe whatever it is, you'll make it right."

I start knocking on several doors, hearing a hollow echo from quite a few. I had to find him.

"Craig!" I yell, running through the hall. "Craig!"

A head pokes out of one door. It doesn't take me long to recognize those curls of his. I press through and see him fiddling with his clothes.

"I'm in my boxers," says Craig, turning red. "Not that you haven't seen me in boxers, but it's still polite to knock. Being under that sink kind of did a number on my pants."

"Sorry," I say, smiling even though I know I'm not supposed to be.

Craig notices my smile, pulls up his pants, then fastens his belt.

"Well, I'm sorry I'm not staying undressed," he says. "I know you have a thing for strippers."

I shake my head. "No more jokes," I say.

Craig gives me a curious look. "Okay?"

I sit down on a bench in front of a piano and pat the spot next to me. Craig sits, buttoning his coat.

"I know Ellie's situation," I say, calmly. "And I think you should go to her."

Craig smacks his lips, then scratches his head in confusion. "But I did."

"No, I know that," I continue. "I mean, you should be with her."

Craig hits his forehand with his hand. "Ashley, don't do this," he says, rising from the bench.

"Do what?" I ask.

"Do this! I thought we were past the guilt thing!"

"Don't shout!" I say, louder than I intended. "And this isn't about guilt. It's about what she needs. She needs you."

Craig faces me, flustered, shaking his head in disbelief.

"This isn't about what anyone needs," says Craig, a little more softly. "This is about what we want. I can be there for Ellie. I mean, it's tough losing your scholarship and all..."

"She lost her scholarship?" I breathe.

"It's her first year...I mean, it happens," replies Craig.

"Not to Ellie," I say more to myself than him.

"But she's into Seth. I mean, they broke up, but that's just because she won't tell him what's going on with her. Ash, that's over. She knows we're...well, we're pretty much a 'we'."

I look at my clutched hands. I didn't know all that. But I hate that she can't talk to me.

"Maybe she's still into you too, and you're a better support than Seth?" I say. "What if you're not there and she cuts?"

"We can be there for her together," says Craig, kneeling down in front of me.

"She can't talk to me like she can to you," I say. "I understand that. You guys were in group and all that."

"Well, the group's done. She's in Vancouver," says Craig, clutching my wrist.

I imagine Ellie's wrist, with rubber bands that can easily slip off.

"And so will you," I say, standing up and turning my back to Craig.

I hear Craig open a drawer, knowing he's retrieving Joey and Caitlin's wedding bands. He doesn't say a word. Didn't he know what I was trying to do? I was trying to do the right thing. Sometimes it's better than to go for what you want. I keep my head down the entire time, even when I feel Craig brush my side and close the door behind him. Then, I hear a small knock.

"Yeah?" I call, not anxious to see anyone.

I hear a clink and something slides under the door. It's the ring, not Joey's, not Caitlin's, but the ring that makes me start to cry, and collapse near the piano bench. I had no idea what it meant, until I heard his voice from the other side, unreachable to me.

"I don't need anyone to wear this," he says. "But I want you to."