"Nani?"
Michiru's voice was nothing more than a whisper. Haruka sighed deeply and wanted to leave the light house by the sea as an icy hand suddenly grabbed her right sleeve.
"Nani?" Now Michiru's voice was a little bit louder. Her deep blue eyes sparkled and she was pale. "Is that a bad joke, Ruka?" she asked and Haruka could see her struggling with her own feelings. Disbelieve and knowledge. Fear and anger. Love and hate. "If that's a bad joke to punish me you did it well. I was scared to death and I will never leave you alone with Himme-chan. But what is enough is enough. Leave that bloody bag down. Right now! And let's get to bed. It's pretty late and I am sure you're tired."
Don't let other suffer!
Haruka shook slowly her head and could see blue eyes that remembered her always of the wild see, growing wide in incredulity.
Don't let HER suffer!
"Hai, I am tired. Tired of your selfishness. Of your ignorance. Of you never being around!" Haruka shook her head again and hold the back bag tighter. "You left me alone with the baby. Not only today and I am fed up with that always screaming, always stinking, always crying brad." To emphasise her words she pushed the violin case out of Michiru's hands. The smaller woman was too shocked to react. So the violin simply fell on the ground. Unseen.
Michiru blinked, then she grabbed harder for Haruka's arm she was still holding.
"STINKING BRAT?" she asked dangerously quiet. "Do you know what you're talking about, Ruka? It's our sweet Himme-chan you're talking about so nastily. Are you drunk?" But the same time the young violinist knew that her girlfriend seldom drank alcohol.
"I am sober. The most sober I've ever been in my whole life. And I was talking about YOUR Himme-chan." Haruka tried to free herself but Michiru hold her back with a power Haruka had never expected.
"Nani?"
Why can't you just let me leave in peace? That would make things easier.
"Hell, Michiru! Can't you see what you've done to me? I always wanted to be free. A car racer. To travel around the world! Now I am a bloody senshi, I have to struggle with silly youmas and a really stupid Sailor Moon. Now I am bound to you and suddenly I have to take care for a child I am not even responsible to! Dr. Tomoe..."
Michiru shook her head in total disbelieve.
"Bound..." she whispered. Then her eyes became a shade darker and sparkled with anger. "You wanted to become her daddy! And YOU was the one taking ME into your nice home. I can remember that you've been the one coming first into my bed and loving me. I can remember that you was the one begging me for never leaving you again!" now Michiru screamed and tears run over her redden cheeks. "Bound! How can you dare! I never wanted to bound you. I always wanted to love you. With all my heart. Hell, Ruka, can't you see that!"
Of course. Every day I spent with you.
Haruka swallowed hard.
Don't let other suffer.
"No. All I can see is a woman I don't love any longer." Haruka hoped that her face wouldn't show her deep feelings. That her voice wouldn't shake within the next moments. That she wouldn't break down sobbing within the next moment.
Don't let other suffer.
But she didn't. She learned in her childhood too well to keep her feelings under control. After her parents sudden death she was taught not to cry openly in all the cameras. Not to answer their silly questions. Not to look back. Just forward.
Looking forward...
Haruka swallowed as she saw how Michiru opened her mouth and shut it again. Several times. Not believing what she just had heard.
What shall I look forward when there's no future left over for me?
Somehow she had hoped that this day would never arrive. That she would grow old with her Michi-chan. That she would be able to raise Himme-chan together with her. But that didn't seem to be her destiny.
You're an angel's child, Haru-chan.
Haruka tried again to pull herself free but still Michiru wouldn't let her go. So easily. Suddenly the sea goddess looked hurt. Fragile. All alone... Haruka had the deep desire to take her shaking Michi-chan into her arms. To rock her. To comfort her. To tell her the truth. Why she reacted so cruelly. Why they had no future together. Why it was easier for her to leave her than to let her live the hell her father lived. Until he committed suicide. Leaving a confused, crying little daughter behind.
Don't let other suffer.
Haruka swallowed hard.
"Let me go!" she demanded quietly. But Michiru hold her determinedly tight.
"Not as long as I get a damn good explanation of all this bullshit!" she sobbed. Not even aware how bad she just swore. Michiru never used bad words but now her head was suddenly full of them.
"I don't love you any longer, Michiru. I am fed up with you. Nor do I want this life any longer. I am leaving, can you hear me? I am leaving for good. To start a new life."
There was a sad giggle from Michiru and again she shook her head. Still staring at the arm she was holding so desperately tight.
"Don't lie, baka.You aren't such a good actress that you simply changed during the day." Michiru bit on her lower lip, tasted salty tears on her lips. "The last night..."
"The last night was one of the last mistakes I did in my life!" snapped Haruka suddenly very sharply back. That all was going to get out of control. She wanted to say calmly good bye. Simply to go and leave her alone. But not to argue like that.
Did you really think that she'd let you go the easy way?
Haruka stepped again towards the door, pulling a still sobbing Michiru with her who simply didn't want to let go.
She loves you too much.
The tall blonde hold her back bag tighter and opened the door a bit.
And I love her too much to let her suffer...
"Mistakes?" Michiru still stared at her arm. As if it was easier to talk to her jacket than right in her face. "What for bloody mistakes?" She was raising her voice. Cursing again. Like Haruka had never heard her before.
"Of becoming Sailor Uranus. Of..."
"I never pushed you into that! You took the henshin voluntarily. Hell! Did you really think it was FUN for me to fight all those dammed battles? To sacrifice myself? To see Himme-chan dying!"
"Of becoming a father. Of..."
"You loved her, you liar! You was the one going into the office and yelling at the people there that you didn't want to wait for another six months to adopt her! And don't you tell me that it was annoying for you to watch over her the last weeks."
"Of being alone the whole day. Of..."
"I thought that was clear! You have your races and I my music. Is it too hard to have a family between these two things? I thought we could arrange it somehow."
"Of being your girlfriend."
"..."
Michiru shut her mouth and kept silent for another long moment that seemed to last for eternity. A cruel eternity for the both of them.
"This isn't a joke, is it?" Michiru's voice was almost unheard and made Haruka's heart break.
Don't let other suffer!
"Today isn't April fool's day, isn't it?" Michiru swallowed hard and more tears ran over her pale cheeks. "This is..."
"No, it isn't." Haruka took her back bag harder in her shaking hands. "I've found someone else."
The last sentence was like a bomb exploding. The silence that followed was even worse than every storm. Than every raging outburst. Than even the silence they experienced under Mistress 9.
"I have a new girlfriend."
You liar!
Haruka didn't want to hear her inner voice. Yelling desperately to her. That it wasn't too late yet. That she still could go back. To tell her lover that it was only a bad joke. That she would never do such a silly thing again. That...
Again the young car racer saw the x-ray. The shadow there. Its meaning.
Don't let HER suffer...
"I fell in love with someone else, Michiru. I am sorry."
Michiru.
The smaller girl swallowed hard and sobbed desperately.
She never called me Michiru. Only when she's angry or very excited...
Slowly she raised her head but all she saw in green eyes was a distance she couldn't bear. Once they had been full of love. Now they were insensible. A shade darker than normal.
She's looking into another place...
Michiru gasped hard for breath.
She doesn't see me any more...
"You're sorry?" There was no regret in the face Michiru loved so much. Hell, she still loved! Right now. Even after all those stupid words that were spoken between them.
"You're sorry..." Her mind started to spin around. "And why are you leaving then?" she cut Haruka before she could reply anything. "This is YOUR house, Ruka. And it's your home. And... and the violin... even the violin is yours..." her eyes grew wide as she looked around. "You bought the easels I made my drawings on..." She shook her head again and looked more and more confused with every moment. Her face was as white as the wall behind her and a terribly horrified expression appeared in her dark blue eyes. "Hell, even Himme-chan's baby clothes... and all the books. My notes and all the CDs... The CD player..." Michiru stopped to look around and looked again to Haruka. "It's all yours... shouldn't you throw me out instead?"
She started to giggle and that noise made Haruka shiver.
"You're the rich princess, I am only the beggar. The poor orphan. Shouldn't it be easier to kick me out than running away?"
Beggar? You've never been a beggar.
Haruka swallowed hard.
You've always been the light in my darkness. My personal guardian angel...
She clenched her fists and opened them. For several times.
Don't let other suffer!
"Let me go, Michiru. I don't want this stuff any more. I only want my freedom and my peace." Still Michiru was giggling and Haruka felt more and more uncomfortable. "Let me go, Michiru!" she repeated, now a little bit louder.
"To where? To whom? To her?"
The giggling stopped as Haruka only nodded. At that moment Michiru let her go.
"I won't accept that, you liar!" she whispered and stepped slowly back. She stepped over her own roses, stumbled over the violin case without noticing it. "I don't believe you!"
Michi-chan...
Haruka wanted to go to her. To let this nightmare end.
Don't let HER suffer.
"Think whatever you want to think. I won't return. Never again. See it, Michiru. It's over. Finally over." With those words she left the house and slammed the door right behind her. She tried to ignore the sobbing. The baby's screaming, being woken up by the sudden bang. Her own heart beating wildly against her chest.
She only sat down in her silver Ferrari and automatically sped up. To get away. To run away as she always had done.
So that no one could see her tears.
dbdbdb
She sat there on the staircase. Staring with empty eyes at the closed door. Waiting.
Dawn came.
Automatically she stood up and cared for her child. Fed the little girl, bathed her, changed the nappies.
Then she sat down again on the staircase. Staring with empty eyes at the closed door. Waiting.
Noon came.
Automatically she stood up and made dinner. She put it on the table and simply let it there.
Then she sat down again on the staircase. Staring with empty eyes at the closed door. Waiting.
Dusk came.
Automatically she stood up and sang a little song for her daughter. It sounded strange in her own ears. While she fed the girl again. Changed again nappies. And brought her finally to bed.
Then she sat down again on the staircase. Staring with empty eyes at the closed door. Waiting.
Midnight came.
Automatically she stood up and rocked her crying daughter. Tried tenderly to calm her down. Because getting first teeth could be painful for small children. So was it for her little princess. She sang some lullaby for hours until her throat was soar and the baby finally fell asleep again.
Then she sat down again on the staircase. Staring with empty eyes at the closed door. Waiting.
Dawn.
Noon.
Dusk.
Midnight.
Always the same game. Always the same show. Nothing changed. No one came home. No one cared. No one regretted. No one simply asked for forgiveness. No one she could take into her arms.
She simply sat down on the staircase. Staring with empty eyes at the closed door. Waiting.
Feeling sick.
Throwing up her meals.
Feeling even sicker.
Simply wanting to creep into a cave and die there.
But there was her daughter who still needed her.
Throwing it all up again.
Feeling like dying.
Just dying - nothing more. To have peace. At last peace...
Dawn.
Noon.
Dusk.
Midnight.
Still she sat there on the staircase. Staring with empty eyes at the closed door. A door that would never be opened again. Not for her. Not any longer...
Dawn.
Noon.
Dusk.
Midnight.
Nothing to do than to care for her child.
To throw up her meals.
To feel like dying.
To care again for her child.
Dawn.
Noon.
Dusk.
Midnight.
And to wait.
Dawn.
Noon.
Dusk.
Midnight.
In vain...
dbdbdb
"Are you sure they will come with us?"
The little car parked in front of the huge house by the sea. It was red and small, but its owners pride.
"Of course. Usagi's mother promised us to baby sit over Hotaru." Makoto giggled as she saw Setsuna's tortured expression.
"Why, for heaven's sake, do we have to celebrate Minako's 16th birthday there?" Setsuna rolled her eyes and Makoto giggled even more.
"Because it has been her decision." She answered and closed carefully the car's door. She knew how the senshi of the time could react if anyone hurt her car. She could scream around just like Haruka if anyone touched her silver Ferrari.
"Hope they're at home. I can't see their car. And no one answered the phone." Setsuna searched for the key to open the front door.
"Maybe they're still in bed." Makoto giggled as Setsuna blushed deeply.
"Makoto!" But she had to smile, too.
Surely they're still sleeping. With Hotaru-chan getting her first teeth. Surely it's hard with her screaming the whole night.
"Haruka? Michiru?" Setsuna shouted as she opened the door and looked down to slip out of her shoes. She frowned as she didn't see the other ones.
Maybe they're for a walk on the breach?
She looked up again as she heard how Makoto gasped hard for breath.
"Nani..." her voice faded and in disbelieve she stared at the shadow sitting on the staircase. Only a shadow, not a person. Not a human being. Not any more.
"Michiru?"
It was Makoto who reacted first. Slowly she closed the door and went over to the sea goddess. Although she didn't look like a goddess anymore. The blue evening dress she wore was grumbled and dirtied all over. With food, with baby mash. With powder. With soap. Her sea green hairs were a mess. In strands they hang over the trembling shoulders.
"Michiru?"
Now there was really concern in Makoto's voice. She noticed the dirtied red roses on the ground. Being simply thrown away. Just like the case of the expensive violin. Makoto shivered as she saw the remains of food on the carpet. It looked as if the young violinist didn't make it to the bathroom.
"Michiru?"
Now Setsuna was by the other side and stroke some strands out of a pale face. Blue eyes, now red from the lack of sleep and maybe from crying, stared blank at the now closed door. They were wide and seemed to look into another world.
"Hell, beauty! What happened?" cursed Setsuna shocked and shook trembling shoulders. "Sea beauty, wake up! What's up?" The senshi of time was so concerned that she used the nickname she once had chosen for the sea senshi. Just to tease her around. Mostly it worked. But not today.
"Did something happen to Hotaru-chan?" asked Makoto alarmed, because the house was strangely silent. Now the senshi of thunder remembered that she didn't hear anything of the outer senshi for a couple of days. She didn't care about that much, because it was normal that they were busy in the weekend.
Hotaru-chan...
That name brought her back into reality. Into here and now. Into the cruel world.
"I fed her and changed her nappies..." whispered Michiru and pressed her hands against her belly as if it would ache. "And took her to bed. And she took a bath and..."
Setsuna and Makoto shortly exchanged glances while Michiru stammered more words that didn't make any sense at all.
"And where's Haruka?" asked Makoto finally, feeling suddenly very sick. What if anything happened to the strong outer senshi? What if she had an accident and Michiru simply didn't find the courage to call them up? To accept it for herself?
"Gone..." whispered Michiru and trembled even more.
"Hey, sea beauty. What do you mean with gone?" asked Setsuna, the same alarmed. Again Makoto and the senshi of time exchanged horrified glances.
"Simply gone through that door on Saturday. And didn't return..." whispered Michiru and made a choking noise. Both senshi, the inner and the outer one, hold her while she threw up the last things she ate. It weren't a lot.
Saturday. Today is Thursday...
Both senshi swallowed hard.
"I'll get you a nice warm shower, beauty." Whispered Setsuna and tried to help the smaller woman up. She trembled even more and would have fallen down if Setsuna wouldn't have hold her tight.
"And I'll tidy up that mess and make you a fine, nice coffee." Answered Makoto and tried to smile. To cheer Michiru up. Of course she failed.
The sea senshi only nodded. Not really understanding what was happening. But grateful for the warm arm guiding her.
Even if it was the wrong one being around.
dbdbdb
Loud music filled the small apartment. She laid on the couch, the blanket laying over her naked feet. The TV was working, but it was mute. All that could be heard was the loud music. It made it easier to overhear the stubborn ringing of the door bell. The shouting of the neighbours. The yelling inside her head.
But it didn't help her to let her thoughts disappear.
Don't let her suffer!
Haruka groaned slightly as the pain increased again inside her belly. As it had the past days. She grabbed hard for the remote control and the music even increased. Until the CD player reached its limits. Just like the music boxes.
Don't let other suffer!
It took her several tries to get back into sit. Her hands trembled as she reached for the medicine that covered now the tiny table next to the couch. She didn't look at the packages any more. She studied them a lot during the past days. She had plenty of time to learn them by heart.
Haruka only made a face as she took the bitter pill. That would take away the pain for some more hours. Until even they wouldn't help any longer. Then they would have to operate. At the last moment.
Just two weeks...
Haruka took a deep breath and reached for the coke to get all the pills down. Finally down. Then she rubbed her eyes and yawned. She didn't find much sleep the past nights. She only stared at her ceiling and listened to the music. Over and over again. Music she didn't hear for years. Not since that very day she got to know Michiru.
Michi-chan...
She tried not to sob and pulled the blanket over her head. But she couldn't exclude her thoughts. Haunting her down. The whole time.
Don't let other suffer!
Don't let HER suffer!
She pushed the blanket away after she was sure that the medicine did its job, took her light jacket and left quickly the apartment. She knew that she would go insane in that small room. She simply needed to go somewhere. Where she wasn't so lonely any longer.
dbdbdb
Grey light danced through the twilight of the large rooms. It was noisy in here. People were talking. Laughing. Singing. Being happy. So different from her. The music was loud and she didn't like that kind of music. It had no clear lyrics, no meaning. Mostly not even a melody. Smoke filled the air and she blinked while she took her sunglasses and put them into her jacket's pocket.
No wonder Michi-chan never wanted to come to this place.
She sighed deeply and scolded herself for calling the sea goddess by the old nickname. They weren't together any longer. She should started to think of her as an old friend, nothing more.
We aren't even friends any longer.
Haruka sighed deeply as she walked over to the bar and sat down. Shortly she looked around, seeing the couples dancing on the dance floor. Suddenly she remembered how she celebrated their sixth anniversary with her love.
Is it just days ago?
The tall blonde turned around and smiled at the waiter as she ordered a whiskey. The young man, probably a student who tried to get some extra money in his spare time, nodded and disappeared again. It was Thursday evening, a busy time. You got two drinks for the same price and most of the Tokyo's youth used the chance. Tomorrow was Friday, a traditional short day. At work and at school.
Haruka thanked some seconds later and took the glass in her hands. It was heavy. Heavier than she had expected. The drink was clear. Like water. But it wasn't water. And it smelled terrible.
Water won't make me forget all this shit.
Haruka shrugged and emptied the glass in a quick motion. She shivered and made a face. It tasted bitter and for some seconds she couldn't breath.
Why are all people so keen of alcohol?
Haruka watched the empty glass for some seconds before she ordered a new one. She had enough money to afford it.
It doesn't even taste.
Nevertheless she emptied the second glass and felt how warmth crept into her belly. A warmth she hadn't felt the past days. She missed so much.
Hopefully it works.
She didn't want to go home this evening and still remembering all the mean things she said to Michiru. All the lies she told her. She didn't want to lay down again on the small couch and remember again the sad expression on Michiru's face. How she let her go when she told her that she had a new girlfriend. That she didn't love her any longer.
But I still love her so much.
Haruka emptied the third glass and grinned sadly to the waiter to order the next one. She felt alone in that bloody apartment. The whole night she laid awake and when her tired body overtook her, she woke up just some minutes later. In raging fear. Because there was no baby screaming. There was no lover whispering that it was too early to get up. Because there were no rushes of the sea. There was no noise at all. Only the ticking of the clock. A steady, quick ticking that remembered her that time was floating. With every second. With every minute. With every hour that passed by. And that it was only a manner of two weeks until it all would stop for her. Forever.
I miss you so much...
Haruka emptied the forth glass and suddenly the music didn't annoy her any longer. Suddenly the hard beat fitted to her feelings and she was relieved about the twilight. So that no one could see the tears sparkling in her now blurred eyes.
When she had been young she believed to get along without any one. Without her aunt. Without her dead parents. Without any friends at all. She became hard and arrogant. Ignorant. She was good at school, she was the best in the athletic team. She was a talent on the race track. Whatever she wanted her aunt helped her. She gave her the money she needed and the support. Trying desperately to reach her niece she lost the day her brother decided to follow his late wife. Haruka really thought that it was better this way. To creep into her own world where no one could hurt her any more. To trust no one - only herself. She established high walls around her heart and her whole being. Thick walls. Unbreakable walls.
Until she met Michiru. Only one second of watching the thin girl playing the old violin that wasn't even her own one was enough of letting all these walls crashing down. To give her her heart and her soul. Voluntarily.
I miss you...
Soon they became close friends and suddenly it was Haruka taking care for someone else. First she supported her with money. But slowly she realized that Michiru needed more than just a new violin or new clothes. That the always pale girl needed a new home. And friends. And a real family.
Still today Haruka wondered what came over her. That very day when she got to know where Michiru really lived, who she really was, she talked to her aunt and just one week later the pale sea goddess lived with her in the light house by the sea. In one of the best rooms. With the biggest windows. With the best light. For her drawings. For her music. For her fantasy. And Michiru had a lot of imaginations. More than once she surprised her best friend with a new painting or a new piece of music she drew or wrote in just one night.
I miss you...
When her aunt finally decided that it was better for Michiru to visit a special school for talented young pupils and Haruka another one where she could live the half of the day on a race track, Haruka felt the first time in her life real fear. That they would be separated. That Michiru would forget her in that school. That she would lost her one and only friend. The night before Michiru would finally go to the new school Haruka came to her and simply hold her tight. Hold her desperately tight and begged her never to leave her. To stay with her. For the rest of their lives. For eternity.
I miss you...
Michiru promised. And when she left the next morning Haruka knew that she would return. Although everything changed just one year later when a shinning woman with long blonde hairs handled them a henshin and declared that they were Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune.
I miss you so much...
Haruka emptied another glass. She wasn't sure if it was the fifth or the sixth one, but her thoughts were getting slower and slower and she was thankful as her whole mind got dizzier and dizzier. She could remember a little girl calling her daddy and a sea nymph smiling loving at her. But after another glass the memory blurred and all that remained was a strange feeling of emptiness. She tried desperately to fill with another whiskey.
"Hello."
First she didn't hear the voice next to her. Still she stared into the half full glass and listened to the music. She asked herself if she was really drunk now, because suddenly she liked that music. And she had the strange desire to dance. Although her whole mind was dizzy and she wasn't sure if she would still make it to the dance floor. In one piece. Her mind seemed to be somewhere under the table while her feet already walked around. Her right arm was still there, holding the glass. That was good. That was all what counted. Again she emptied the glass and ordered another one. Not willing to realize how strange her own voice sounded in her ears. That she couldn't say the words properly any longer. That she couldn't control her tongue any longer.
"Hello."
Again that voice. Slowly, very slowly she turned her head and stared at a smiling young woman next to her. She seemed to be a little bit older than her. Maybe twenty four or twenty five. Her red hairs fell over her shoulders and she used more make up than seemed to be necessary. She wore a narrow black dress with such a wide clipping that Haruka could see most of her breasts. The skin was brown, surely from the sun. The young woman smiled all over her face.
"Hello, I am Tara. I am your neighbour." She introduced herself and before Haruka could reply anything she already shook her hand.
"Hello." Managed the senshi of the wind to say and grinned automatically. "I am Haruka." Suddenly her family name didn't seem to be important. It showed nothing. Only that she was the daughter of the late Tenô Gendo. The best piano player the world had ever seen. Before his wife got so ill. Before she finally died after long years of suffering. Before he committed suicide to follow her. Haruka didn't want to remember that. Nor did she want to be remembered that she used to be the best formula one racer in Japan, maybe even in the whole world. That she would never ever sit in her race car again.
It didn't matter.
And Tara didn't seem to be interested in such things.
"You moved just this week, didn't you?" Tara smiled even friendlier and ordered herself a drink. It was beer. Haruka raised one eyebrow but didn't say anything. Somehow it didn't seem right that such a beautiful woman drank beer. But it seemed to taste her.
"Hai." replied Haruka and her grin grew wide. "I didn't know that I have such a beautiful neighbour." She teased and leaned a little bit nearer to the young woman.
"I was in a hurry the past days. I wanted to say hello, but, well, it's busy to study." She shrugged and drank another gulp. "I am glad that finally someone moved into the empty flat. It's annoying to have no neighbours." She licked her lips and leaned herself closer to Haruka.
"You are a nice young man." She said and suddenly Haruka felt a warm hand on her knee.
"Oh, I have to disappoint you. I am a woman." Grinned Haruka and giggled. She didn't even know why, but suddenly the whole scene seemed to be funny. Terribly funny. And all she could do was giggling. There had been times when she flirted with every girl she saw. Especially when Michiru was around. To make her jealous. To show her that she was interested in girl. To show her in her own special way Michiru didn't notice the first months that all she wanted was the sea goddess. She never went further than a grin, a short touch, a wicked word, but the girls seemed to like that. Especially when they thought that Haruka was a boy. Until the race when she won the regional championship and was finally allowed to take part in the Grand Prix of Japan. That was when Michiru simply took her face into her tender hands and kissed her. Simply kissed her with so much love that Haruka still smiled whenever she thought of their first kiss. It took some minutes before they finally separated and Michiru only whispered that all the flirting wasn't necessary any longer.
And now I am sitting here and flirting again.
Haruka giggled again. Now it sounded sadder. She knew that it was senseless today. Today no Michiru would come and kiss her. To take her home. To care for her. To let her forget all this silly nightmare.
"A woman?" Tara shortly observed the crumbled clothes and her smile grew even wider. "That's even better." The red haired woman came closer to Haruka and the tall blonde could feel the other ones warm breath on her cheeks. "Why don't you come with me? My bed is big enough for the both of us."
Nani?
Haruka wanted to reply anything, but before she could react she already felt warm lips being pressed on her own.
I can't...
The senshi of the wind sighed slightly. Then she closed her eyes and wrapped her arms automatically around the slime waist of her neighbour. If she really was her neighbour. She didn't care.
Why can't I? Michiru isn't my girlfriend any longer.
Haruka deepened the kiss.
And it's so damn hard to be all alone. The whole time. All the night...
Ruka, you're sometimes such a baka!
Don't you tell me that you cooked, Ruka.
Uranus...
Uranus!
Don't you think that our daughter looks cute, darling?
Again she heard the soft voice in her mind. Scolding her, laughing over and with her. Yelling desperately her name when the search for the talismans was finally over. And they were the owners. Ready to sacrifice themselves. But not the other one. A proud voice whispering tenderly not to wake up a small child. Sleeping happily in her cradle. Knowing that she was loved. That she belonged there. To her family.
I love you, Ruka.
Haruka opened her eyes and looked startled at the young woman next to her. Red hairs. Dark eyes. Not like her Michiru. Not at all...
The very next moment Haruka pushed her away and turned again towards her whiskey. Her hands trembled as she took the glass. Her mind was still dizzy. But not dizzy enough to let down the rest of pride.
"Gomen, Tara." She said very quietly so that the young woman leaned again closer to understand her. "I can't."
Tara seemed to be confused.
"Why?" was all she asked. She sounded disappointed.
"'cause I don't love you."
Haruka looked up as she heard the amused laughter next to her. Dark eyes sparkled and Tara shook her head in disbelieve.
"Is that important?" she asked and wanted to kiss her again. But this time Haruka was faster. She simply left her chair and went to another one. Emptying her glass again and ordering a new one. Still she wasn't drunk enough and she wondered how long it would take her to forget all this shit around her.
"For me it is..." she whispered.
Tara looked at her for some moments in silence and frowned. Then she left her chair as well and stepped behind her. Shortly she stroke through messed blonde hairs.
"Trouble with the heart?" she asked and smiled sadly. "It'll be over soon, believe me." She took her handbag again and paid her beer. It wasn't even emptied yet. "If you need anyone, you know where you can find me." With those words she turned around and disappeared into the twilight.
If you need anyone...
Haruka swallowed hard. She needed someone. Badly. But she couldn't call for her. Never again. Not after she had seen the doctor's results just some days ago.
The tall blonde sighed deeply. Then she raised her head and ordered another whiskey.
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The music was terrible. But loud. She liked it that way. Loud music. Too loud to let her talk to anyone. Too loud to let her hear a word. Too loud to think.
At least the damn silence was gone that surrounded her for the last days. A silence she couldn't bare any longer. A silence that drove her mad. A silence that was even worse than the one she faced during the final battle with Mistress 9.
Just one year ago...
Michiru sat there. Around a huge table. Between smiling and laughing girls. Opposite to a Minako who celebrated it to be sixteen. At last. To be able to drink alcohol. And she used her first change. Now she giggled while she unwrapped all the gifts.
Michiru blinked as she saw the small gift Setsuna handled her in the name of all outer senshi.
I didn't even give her any money.
The senshi of time who saw her confused look only smiled and shook her head. She earned enough money with her job and it was okay that she cared for the gift. Minako screamed out loud as she saw the beautiful make up set she always wanted to have. That scream was even louder than the music. The next moment she hugged Setsuna and before Michiru could react she felt soft arms being wrapped around her shaking body.
"Arigato, Michiru." Shouted Minako and hold her for some seconds tight. It seemed as if she wanted to comfort her. But Michiru wasn't sure as the senshi of love let her go the next moment and turned around to the rest of the gifts that covered the whole table. Michiru didn't even know if they were all informed why Haruka wasn't here today. Maybe Setsuna and Makoto told them. Maybe they didn't. Maybe they still hoped that it was all a bad joke. That Haruka would come home. Maybe she waited even at home and wondered where all were. But somehow Michiru knew that the light house by the sea was still empty. Ikkuko was so nice to take care for Hotaru and so they had the whole evening for celebrating.
I don't want to celebrate.
Michiru looked at the water standing in front of her. She only drank some gulps. Still she couldn't touch any food. She threw it all up. No matter what she ate, some hours later she threw it all up again. Setsuna was very concerned when she hold her again shortly before they left. She already wanted to call a doctor, but Michiru told her that she was okay. That she wanted to come with them. To Minako's birthday. To see something else than the empty house. To do something else than waiting. Again she heard Makoto's whisper that it was surely the shock and that the senshi of the sea would be fine again in some days.
But Michiru knew that she would never be fine again.
I can't forget six years!
She took a deep breath and drank some more gulps. The nausea increased again inside her belly and her head started to hurt. She felt weak and tired. But she didn't want to leave her friends. Real friends. Setsuna and Makoto didn't ask a lot. They only cleaned the house, cared for Hotaru and kept an eye on Michiru while she was taking a bath. Finally Setsuna helped her with her clothes and her hairs while Makoto informed the others that they would come a little bit later.
They didn't ask about the bad argument. Nor why Haruka suddenly decided to leave. They only cared for her. To show her that she was not alone. That there was still someone there for her.
But her looks were very concerned although they tried to hide it.
"I still can't believe that I am really here." Sighed Ami and rolled her eyes as Rei put determinedly her books aside.
"Because you can't resist my pleading eyes." Laughed Minako and embraced her, too. Ami blushed and looked helpless around. But Makoto only laughed while Rei and Usagi started a new argument. Now it was about a silly boy group Rei loved and Usagi simply couldn't hear.
"Where's Mamoru?" Setsuna looked around and ordered something to drink for her, too. Michiru didn't understand what it was, but she was sure that it was a juice or something like that. Setsuna was the oldest of them. She drove the car. She needed to have a clear head to collect them all again around midnight to get them home. In one piece.
"He has an important test to write tomorrow. So he learns." Said Usagi and forgot for some moments her argument. "The gift is from me and from him. He's very sorry, but..."
"Hey, it's okay." Minako smiled as she unwrapped the gift. "Then we'll give another party when he has time. Maybe a picnic? The summer weather is so nice."
"Oh, please! That would be better than this disco." Sighed Ami but smiled as Minako tried to tickle her. It took the senshi of love some attempts but finally the water senshi burst out into laughter and asked laughing for forgiveness.
Once there had been times when I tickled my Ruka the same way.
Michiru swallowed hard as she heard again the low laughter in her mind. A laughter she could listen to for hours. Now she would probably never hear it again.
The nausea increased inside her belly and she asked what she should throw up this time. She didn't eat a lot. Only an apple. And that was several hours ago.
"'cuse me." She whispered and rose from her chair. For a moment there was dead silence at the table and all stared at her. Or at least tried not to stare at her so openly.
"Can I help you?" offered Setsuna and rose, too.
"No, I just need to go to the bathroom. Arigato." Without looking again into surprised and partly sad eyes she went away. Trying to make her way through all the people. Of course the bathroom was on the other side of the disco. She had to go around the dance floor and to the bar. She had ever been here but Usagi had to go just some minutes after they arrived and of course she had to tell them all about her dangerous journey.
Hell, I am so tired.
Michiru blinked and took a deep breath. The smoke was thick here at the dance floor. She didn't like cigarettes and her eyes started to burn. The nausea became worse and she forced herself to carry on. Just to cross the dance floor. Next to dancing couples. The music was still so crazy and Michiru wondered herself how any one could dance to that strange rhythm. But the couples obviously could.
Michiru swallowed hard and didn't want to remember the dance she had shared with her Ruka just some days ago. How her lover had hold her tight. Rocked her so gently. To romantic classical music. In one of the best restaurants of Tokyo. Till they closed.
She told me that she loves me.
The sea goddess shook her head and finally left the dance floor.
Or was that also a mistake? Was that just another lie? Was that...
Her mind stopped to think. Her heart stopped to beat. Her body stopped to move. Frozen she stood there and stared at the shadow near the bar. A shadow she knew too well. She would recognize out of one million people.
Ruka?
She blinked and frowned. What was her girlfriend doing here? She never came to such places, because she didn't like the music, too. And she hated alcohol. And cigarettes.
Or was that just another lie?
Michiru saw the half emptied whiskey glass standing at the bar. And she saw the red haired young woman sitting next to her Ruka. Very close. Too close.
She has nice hairs.
Michiru swallowed hard.
And big breasts.
Automatically she clenched her fists. Still not able to move. Although she wanted to scream. To shout. To beat around her.
Is she her new girlfriend?
She knew the answer when the young woman suddenly leaned forward and kissed the tall blonde. The senshi of the wind didn't push her away. Instead she embraced her and hold her tight.
Just like she held me tight...
Tears shimmered in deep blue eyes as Michiru simply turned around and stumbled over to the bathroom door. It was empty and she was grateful. She went into the first cabin and locked herself. Then she sat down on the toilet and stared with blank eyes at the closed door.
I am tired... of you never being around.
Again she heard the raging voice in her head. Again she saw those insensible dark green eyes staring coldly at her.
I had much to do with my concerts.
Michiru lowered her head and covered her burning face with her trembling hands. Still there were no tears running down her pale face. And she asked herself if she really went insane. If she turned into ice inside. That she couldn't even cry about the great loss in her now so senseless life.
But is that a reason for taking the first silly girl into her bed?
Again she saw the kiss before her eyes. A deep kiss. A passionate kiss. Surely they would soon go. To their new flat somewhere. Into a big bed. Making...
"No!" whimpered the sea goddess and put her hands on her ears. But the voice didn't die away in her dizzy mind.
See it, Michiru!
She's more beautiful than you!
Look at her big breasts!
You have nothing to bid.
With your small, thin body!
Surely she has more money than you beggar.
And there's no child crying the whole night!
She's perfect.
She can give your Ruka so much more.
Freedom.
Independence.
More spare time.
She doesn't press her into the role of being Sailor Uranus.
She doesn't force her to save the world. Every time a youma appears.
"What about love?" whispered Michiru.
Have you seen that body?
Surely she's much older than you.
And much more experienced.
Surely she's a great lover.
"What about the love of the heart?"
What's better?
A good lover in the bed?
Or a lover by heart who's never around?
Who leaves her alone with a crying child?
Who forces her to be a housewife?
Who only cares for her violin during the end of summer and Christmas?
Who's only a beggar!
"No!" Michiru's body trembled and she clenched her fists over her ears.
"No..." She knew that it was over. Really over. Her Ruka would never return home. She would never take her into her arms. Would never say that she loved her. Would never again care for her. For her and Himme-chan. For the persons she once called her family.
"NO!"
The scream was full of despair. It didn't sound like a human's scream any more. It sounded like an animal's scream. An animal being trapped in a cage and facing its death.
"NO!"
There was no one around who could hear it. Michiru was alone. All alone.
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"An apple juice with lemon lemonade." Makoto sighed deeply as she sat down on a chair at the bar. She thanked the waiter as she took her glass and turned around to watch the dance floor. She danced the past two hours and now she felt very exhausted.
Rei and Usagi waved over to her and automatically she waved back. They both had grabbed each other's hands and swirled over the whole dance floor. Laughing like maniacs. They both had some glasses of champagne and it seemed to be a little bit too much. Of course they crashed into some other people, but they only laughed and some even joined them. Soon they danced around the whole disco as if it was carnival. They all laughed and the DJ reacted and a funny song was played.
They are so crazy.
Makoto grinned and waved again back while she drank some gulps of her cool apple juice. It was a great happy birthday party Minako wouldn't forget so easily.
The senshi of thunder searched the dance floor and found the persons she searched the last ten minutes. Minako and Ami danced, too. But they ignored the fast rhythm. A waltz seemed to play in their minds as they rocked slowly over the dance floor. Rocked, well, they stumbled and reeled while they moved slowly. Ami only drank half of a glass of red vine, because Minako finally convinced her that it was delicious. But those gulps were enough to make her drunk. She simply couldn't bare alcohol. Minako didn't drink that much. Only the drinks she drank when the unwrapped her gifts. To show them around with pride.
Surely she only wanted to have the courage to ask her.
Makoto's smile got tenderly as she remembered how Minako blushed as she asked Ami if she would dance with her. Of course a giggling Ami agreed and as soon as they were on the dance floor Minako took her senshi of water tight into her arms. That had been now a long time ago. And Ami didn't seem to be disturbed. She had closed her eyes and leaned her head against Minako's shoulder. The senshi of love smiled the whole time and seemed to be very content with herself.
They should be more open about their feelings.
But Makoto knew how hard it was for Ami to show any feelings. She spent her whole childhood alone and still now her mother never had time for her. Her luck was that she awoke one day as Sailor Mercury and simply belonged to them. To a big, lively family. To funny friends. And somehow to an always crazy Minako who had the strangest ideas the whole time.
Everyone has a partner.
Makoto sighed deeply and looked over to Usagi and Rei. Usagi loved her Mamoru and since Chibiusa came into their life they knew that they would marry some day. And Rei had the poor young man at the temple who was still to shy to show his feelings. But Rei was patient in that way. The first time that she showed any patience. And Makoto was somehow relieved that she didn't push him.
So it's only me left.
Makoto shivered as she thought of her empty flat. Of the chaos she simply couldn't get tidy before Setsuna fetched her up in the afternoon.
And Setsuna.
But Makoto didn't worry about the senshi of time any longer. Not after she had seen the cute young man who came to the library and rent a book about far away galaxies every Wednesday. How his light green eyes started to sparkle whenever she smiled and handled him a new book. Often he stroke nervously at his long silver hairs and looked fascinated over to her. And Setsuna looked back - with the same expression on her face. It was only a matter of time until Setsuna found her luck, too.
No one should be all alone.
Makoto swallowed hard and tried to calm herself. She wasn't alone, she scolded herself. She had great friends. And for the first time after her parent's death a real family. She could lean on them and whenever she fell she knew that they would be there to catch her.
"Makoto?"
She drank another gulp of her apple juice and turned away from the dance floor. Looking surprised into worried dark eyes.
"What's up, Sets?" she asked alarmed and felt suddenly very sick. Because there was someone missing on the dance floor. Someone she didn't see during the past hours. Without noticing it.
"Michiru is in the bathroom. She locked herself and doesn't want to come out." Declared the senshi of time and her shoulders fell down. "I talked to her for the last hour but she simply refuses to open the door."
Of course I didn't pay attention. Because she had always been together with her Haruka...
"Can you break somehow the lock?" Setsuna looked now really desperate.
"If you pay the bill." Makoto put the glass back to the bar and showed the waiter that she would be back in some minutes. "Then let's go." She declared and followed Setsuna.
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"I'll take her home." Whispered Setsuna and Makoto nodded.
"Shall I come with you?" The senshi of thunder looked into a pale face. A tired face. A face that didn't seem to realize what was going around.
"No. Just take care for our crazy girls. I'll be back as soon as possible."
Makoto remembered how they found Michiru in the afternoon and swallowed.
"But..."
"She'll stay this night with Ikkuko. Usagi can sleep this night in Chibiusa's bed." Setsuna made such a determined face that Makoto knew that the future queen wouldn't argue tonight. Especially not after the alcohol she drunk.
"Okay."
Makoto stroke carefully through sea green strands. But Michiru didn't look up. She didn't seem to see her anymore. Her eyes were again so wide and so empty. So expressionless. Makoto shivered slightly. She had felt real panic when Michiru didn't answer in the bathroom. When she knocked on the door and no one opened. No one reacted. No one shouted back.
Again she felt the deep relieved when she kicked the door open and Michiru only sat there on the closed lit. That she didn't do crazy things as she just had feared.
"Everything will be fine, Michiru." She whispered but Michiru didn't answer. She only stared at the floor and let Setsuna taking her right arm to guide her.
"She just needs some days." The senshi of time shrugged helpless her shoulders. She feared that just some days were too less. Maybe that wound wouldn't heal within some weeks or months. Or even years. "Come, sea beauty."
She kissed her.
Michiru swallowed and simply followed her friend to the exit.
Surely she's now in her apartment...
Makoto watched them for some moments and turned around. Again she sat down on the chair and hold her now warm apple juice in her hands. Suddenly she felt sick. Haruka didn't call them up. No one of them. Not even Setsuna she trusted the most -right after Michiru. It seemed as if she disappeared into nothing. Just like Michiru told them this afternoon.
Is it true?
Makoto emptied her glass and sighed deeply.
Aren't they a couple any longer? Isn't Haruka Himme-chan's daddy any longer? Did we lost a good friend?
Again she saw Haruka teasing so loving with the little girl. Looking so proudly. Being so tenderly with little Hotaru. Makoto shook her head and left her chair to join the others. To tell them what just happened. To remind them that it was almost midnight. That it was better to get their things and to get ready for leaving.
The senshi of thunder thanked the waiter as he took her empty glass and froze in motion as she heard the low voice asking for another whiskey. Her brown eyes grew wide as she saw the tall blonde sitting at the chair next to her. Being obviously drunk. Deadly drunk.
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It was a clear night. The moon shone down on the earth. On the ocean, being steady in motion. Of the bending road. Of the silver Ferrari speeding up. More and more. Until it started to slip. It crashed loudly as the right mudguard touched the crash-barrier. Metal screamed and the right headlight exploded in a small ball of fire. The lights went out and now the brakes screamed, too. The whole car shivered and tried to break out. It swirled around itself for several times until it stopped near the cliff.
"Nani?"
The door was slowly opened and the loud music soon filled the calm night. The radio was still working, but the front seemed to be damaged. The whole bonnet looked crumbled and the mirror disappeared into nothing. Only some wires remembered of it.
"Nani?"
She looked at the broken light for some seconds before she started desperately to giggle. She hold her suddenly aching belly and giggled even louder. Until she had to laugh. To laugh loudly until tears ran over her pale cheeks. She simply couldn't stop laughing. Until her legs trembled too much. Until she lost her strength. Until she went on her knees before the glass and the metal that covered the street now.
Still laughing.
"You look like bullshit..." she laughed and pointed at the car. "You look like me..." Again she laughed. Harder. Louder. Lower. More desperate.
"You're only a bloody car, don't ya know?" she took a deep breath and simply let herself fall back. On the cold, hard underground of the street. Now looking up to the endless sky. A dark sky. A cloudless sky.
"How could you ever be more important to me than my family?" she whispered, still giggling. She was dead drunk and somehow she knew it. "How could I ever thought that you're important to me?" More giggling. It sounded now desperate and sad. And very alone.
Some stars were sparkling next to the moon. Automatically she stretched her arms. In the hope to touch them. As she had done when she was a little child.
"Mama..." she giggled and shook her head. "Papa..."
Don't let other suffer.
She turned her head and looked again at the crumbled bonnet. Again she heard the voice yelling in her mind. That it was her Ferrari. That it was her house. That it were her furniture.
"Guess I should do something..." she giggled, not caring that she talked to her car. That it had to look very silly how she laid next to her car. Talking to it as if it was her best friend. Her only friend...
Two weeks.
She swallowed hard and closed her burning eyes.
Only two weeks. How shall I survive them?
But she knew she had to. There were many things to do. And two weeks were even too less to get it all done.
I should stop moaning and start thinking.
She giggled again and clenched her fists.
As long as I am sober again.
Again she giggled and more tears ran over her pale cheeks.
"Do you know what, sweet car?" she laughed as she came again hard to her feet. To get home. Somehow. To a home that didn't exist any longer. "Guess it's time to make my last will."
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