It was cold in the huge hall. She was cold. And tired.
"nana..." Hotaru babbled in her dreams and hold her toy bunny tighter in her arms. She looked cute in her summer dress. And otherwise her mother she didn't freeze at all. A thin blanket covered her legs and she smiled in her innocent child's dreams.
I love you, honey.
Michiru smiled and sighed deeply. It had taken her some hours to convince the others that she was fine. That she could return into the light house. That she was able to live alone again. That she would never do crazy things as long as she still had her daughter.
Setsuna looked really concerned and Makoto simply didn't want to let her go. But finally they had to see that she was nineteen and old enough to decide alone. Of course they all reminded her that she should call them whenever she needed any help.
Help...
Michiru pushed her summer hat deeper into her sea green curls and folded her hands nervously in her lap. She wore a summer dress, too. It was dark blue and touched her feet when she walked. She liked it. It fitted to her mood. And it was the only dress she bought without Haruka being around.
Ruka...
Michiru swallowed hard and scolded herself for the umpteenth time that she should stop to moan. That life had to go on. And even if it wasn't for herself, she should try to go on for her daughter.
And for Kei...
She raised her head as some people passed by. A police man smiled encouraged at her and a police woman even stopped and talked a little bit to her. About the sweet baby. About the reason she was here and waiting. About the future and that she shouldn't give up her hope. Surely the police woman wished her good luck for another reason, but Michiru thanked her silently for her sympathy and her friendly smile.
Will he be a different Kei?
She bit on her lower lip. It was now eight years that she had seen him the last time. Eight long years. Since that day he escaped the orphan's house and simply disappeared. Until she got the letter three years ago that told her that she would probably never see him again. Again she remembered the letter she got some weeks ago that told her that he still needed her.
Michiru looked at the sleeping Hotaru and on her pale reflection in the glass window opposite.
The same I need him.
He's now twenty two...
She raised her head again as the heavy door was pushed open. A police man talked friendly to a young man and they both smiled as they shook hands.
"Behave yourself, boy. I don't want to see you here again."
"I won't return, chief. I learned my lesson."
Michiru opened her mouth but couldn't say a word as she heard the well known voice. She simply rose from the bank and stepped next to the pram. Hotaru was still sleeping and munched happily.
Kei?
She looked at the young man. His dark hairs touched his shoulders and he was taller than she remembered. Much taller. He really grew up a real man. A beautiful man.
What am I doing here? Maybe he doesn't recognize me at all. Maybe he doesn't want me any more.
As he turned around she looked into his face. He shaved this morning but she could see the dark hairs on his neck where he forgot to shave. His dark eyes were still the same.
Kei...
She wanted to shout at him. To yell at him. To run over to him. But she couldn't move. She simply stood there. Seizing suddenly very hard on the pram. Trembling as if she was a leaf in the cold autumn's storms.
Slowly but determined he walked over to her. Looked deep into her blue eyes. Saw the tears shimmering there. Saw the pale skin. Saw the lack of sleep and the shivering body. A body that was too thin for her seize.
"Princess?" he asked and looked from her to the pram and back. Saw now tears running over pale cheeks. "So you've actually come. I didn't expect that." He whispered and frowned as Michiru didn't reply anything.
"You look hurt, my princess." Kei raised his hands and wiped away those tears. Suddenly the young woman started to sob and more tears ran over her cheeks. "Did anyone hurt you, my princess?" he asked and swallowed hard as an expression appeared on her face he had only seen once in his life. Swearing that no one would ever hurt her again in the way her mother had done.
"I..." sobbed Michiru and lowered her head. "It's all my fault..." for the first time since Haruka closed the door behind herself the sea senshi couldn't hold back her tears any longer. They simply streamed over her face and her heart hurt too much. She sobbed and trembled even more.
"Hush, my princess." Again she felt those soft arms around her body. As she had felt for so many times in her childhood. In her damn, dark childhood she tried so desperately to escape. Kei simply ran away, she got to know her Ruka. Suddenly she didn't know whom of them did the bigger mistake.
Blind she grabbed for his shirt and hold it desperately tight. She didn't want to let him go again. Never again.
"I am here, princess." Whispered Kei and stroke carefully over a small back. Wondering what happened while he had been away. Wondering how his Michiru could be that desperate. Wondering who the little girl was. Wondering why Michiru claimed that her sadness was all her fault. "I am here, princess. As I promised."
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"Ouch..." She gasped hard for breath as she reached over to the bottle and emptied it over the table. A lot of pills fell on the glass and she picked some with her trembling hands and swallowed them quickly. She made a face and grabbed her orange juice to get rid of the bitter aftertaste.
"Ouch..." Slowly she leaned back on the couch and held her belly. She brought her legs nearer to her body and simply took the remote control in her hand. The music increased. Filled her mind. Her whole world.
The pills now covered some sheet of papers. The telephone worked but she had to interrupt the phone call as the pain flashed again through her belly.
I forgot the time.
She had to take those bitter pills regularly and every time she simply forgot it. Until the pain remembered her. Mostly too late. When she finally took her medicine she could nothing do than to lay down and wait. For the next hour. Until the pain was bearable. Until it was gone again. For the next three or four hours.
Better I'll buy an alarm clock to remember me.
She closed her eyes and tried to breath regularly. As the doctor had told her when she asked for new medicine. She needed too much pills. She simply took too much. But she didn't care about that. It didn't make a difference. It only helped her to survive the time that was left for her. In a better way. With a clear mind. To get the things done.
"Ouch..." Again another flash and she winced wildly. She curled up in a ball and covered herself with the thin blanket. It was another hot summer day and she only wore her black shirt. But still it was too hot. She sweat but didn't dare to use the tube. She feared that her pain would return that very moment and that she would drown before that very day. The last important day in her life.
She turned her head and looked with feverish sparkling eyes into the TV. She didn't turn it out. Not even in the night when she tried at least to get some sleep. Her dark eyes were empty as she watched the persons dancing over the screen. Laughing happily into the camera. Being a small family.
Haruka sighed deeply and was grateful as the pain decreased slowly. Normally she had an appointment with the doctor today. For some other tests. For the operation. But she wasn't sure if she should go to the hospital. Somehow all seemed to be so damn senseless. Her whole life. Everything.
The door bell rang again. For the tenth time this afternoon. But she didn't care. She only laid there and stared at the screen.
Surely it's Tara.
The red haired girl used every chance to talk to her. The one time she said that she had no more sugar and wanted to borrow some from her. The next time she forgot to buy some eggs. And then she needed some coffee. Always she stood on the corridor of the house. Only wearing a white shirt. That showed her female outlines. That showed her breasts. That wasn't even closed properly.
More bell ringing.
Haruka sighed deeply and took the remote control to reach again the CD player's limits. Soon the bell ringing gave up and the tall blonde risked it to sit up. Still holding her aching belly with her left hand she took the sheet of paper in her right hand and read the few lines she'd written. Deeply she sighed. Then she switched off the CD player and dialled a number.
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"First I'll make you a nice hot milk." Kei watched how Michiru sat down on the huge couch and put the child's seat with the little girl next to her. She nodded, but didn't look up.
"The kitchen is over there." The voice was silent, nothing more than a whisper. Kei nodded and turned around. His eyes grew wider with every room he saw. The house was huge and surely it had been expensive. The kitchen contained more electrical machines he had ever seen before and the fridge almost exploded because of a lot of food. There was a lot of children's mash, too.
How can she afford such a big house?
A taxi brought them out to this house standing all alone on a hill. Overlooking the beach. Near to the sea.
She's a famous musician now, Kei.
The young man sighed deeply as he opened the milk bottle.
She isn't such a looser like you.
The microwave oven heated the milk quickly and after some seconds he decided to prepare a baby mash. The little girl had looked hungry and cried a little bit while they get home.
She didn't follow the family's tradition ...
"Arigato." Michiru smiled sadly as she took the mash. She already hold the baby in her arms and the little girl grabbed hungry for the spoon and munched happily. She awoke shortly after the young woman started so desperately to cry. She was maybe one year old. And she said only one word. A word that shocked Kei who didn't know about that. She called the young violinist mommy.
"She's your daughter?" he asked while he sat down opposite on a soft armchair. It looked very expensive, too.
"Hai." Pride sparkled in tired blue eyes. "She's Himme-chan." Another spoon went into a wide opened child's mouth. "I adopted her some months ago." Michiru swallowed hard. "Actually we..." Again she sobbed but took a deep breath to fed the child again.
Kei frowned and tried to remember what he read in the newspapers. Once he asked a nice police man and every time they wrote something about Kaioh Michiru he cut it out and showed it to him.
"The formula one racer?" He frowned even deeper. "Tenô Haruka?"
Michiru nodded and some tears ran over her cheeks. Tears she thought she had all cried when she fetched up Kei.
"So you're really a couple? Just like the newspapers asserted?"
"We were." Whispered Michiru and gave her daughter another spoon full mash. The little girl ate it and yawned tired. "She left me last weekend."
Kei frowned even more.
"She?" his voice was nothing more than a whisper.
"Hai, Ruka is a woman. And I loved her..." Michiru sighed deeply. "Guess I still love her." She raised her head and looked directly into dark eyes. "So you see, my life hasn't been any better than yours, Kei. I don't blame you for what you've done. I did the same bullshit!"
Kei swallowed hard. Suddenly he remembered being once to the cinema with his Michiru. The only time they could go. It was about a woman who simply didn't fit into society. Who had her own head. Who couldn't deal with people. Michiru had been fascinated by that actress. She called her beautiful and dreamed of her for the next weeks. Kei had suspected the reason but he hadn't been sure. Michiru had been just ten years old when they watched that film.
"I am a lesbian, Kei. My lover left me. I have a small child, no home and no hope any more." Sobbed Michiru and shook her head. "I only wanted to have a family. At last a proper family. But with my wish I pushed Ruka aside. She wasn't prepared to be a daddy now and I simply didn't see it. Until it was too late..."
Kei stood up and kneeled before her. He stroke over round cheeks and the little girl laughed happily at him. Still munching. Grabbing for the spoon. Smiling loving at her mommy.
"I earned enough money with my music to raise her and to have a nice life, Kei. I don't complain about that part. But..." Michiru shook her head again. "But that's not what I always wanted to have. That's not my dream of a family. That's not the wish I had when those adopt families pushed me away. Again and again."
Kei raised his hands and touched her pale cheeks. To wipe again away those tears. As he had done just some hours ago. As he had done all of their childhood.
"I simply wanted to have a family. A place where I belong. And I thought... thought that I found this place in Ruka. And Himme-chan..." Michiru lowered her head and more tears ran over her cheeks. "I am a terrible lover, a terrible musician and a terrible mother..." she sobbed helpless.
"No, you are not." Replied Kei, still stroking burning cheeks. "I've heard some of your CDs, they are great. And this child seems to love you with all her tiny heart. You're a good mother. I always knew that you will be a good mother. And you're the friendliest person I ever met. You grew up, princess. You're now a real woman. A real adult. And as I can see a real mommy." He smiled sadly into watery blue eyes. "I did so much mistakes in my life and you simply come after a small letter and fetch me up. To give me a second chance. To trust me again." He felt how she trembled and carefully took the baby in his strong arms. To finish to feed her. Michiru automatically wrapped her arms around her body and looked suddenly very fragile. The way he never wanted to see her again.
"That Haruka must be a real asshole if she didn't see that you're something special, princess. If she's so dump to leave you like that she's nothing worth."
Michiru sobbed even harder and he sighed deeply. He knew that it would take a long time to come over the pain. He once fell in love with a girl, too. But she didn't want him. Not after she got to know who he really was. Still the pain was in his heart but it decreased and he was now able to live with it.
"I know that... that..." Michiru choked and leaned back against the couch. "I know that you surely have a lot of plans now that you're free. And..." She shook her head again and sea green curls feel into her pale face. "But I have some important concerts and I simply... I simply don't want to be alone any longer and..." she sighed deeply. "Can you please stay for the next weeks. To take care for Himme-chan and ... and for me, too?" She raised her head and looked directly into his tenderly smiling face.
"Of course, my princess." He whispered and fed Hotaru with another spoon full of mash. "I promised you to be there for you. Whenever you need me, princess. I'll hold my promise."
That's what Ruka once promised me, too...
Michiru nodded, more tears streaming over her cheeks.
"And now tell me what happened during the past years. Just tell your old Kei. I'll listen and don't worry, I won't be shocked." Said Kei encouraged. "I've done so many bad things in my life, you won't shock me."
"Not even by being a lesbian?"
"Not even by being the most loving woman I've ever seen."
Michiru nodded and started to talk in a quiet, but calm voice. Kei listened her the whole time. In silence. In understanding. In love.
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The bell rang. In the middle of the night.
"Princess? It's someone called Makoto." Said Kei as he entered her sleeping room and tried to wake her up.
"Nani?" Michiru sat up and rubbed her tired eyes.
"She said something about a fire and she sounded very sad."
The next moment Michiru was out of the bed and downstairs. And at the telephone. To listen to a crying voice.
The next ten minutes a taxi drove away from the light house by the sea.
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"Can't believe that's all what's left over." Makoto looked at her schoolbag. She still wore her pyjama and hold a small toy doggy tight in her arms. Her hairs were opened and looked messed. A photo album laid on the school bag. And there was a cook book. With a signature of a famous cook.
"As long as you're in security." Michiru shivered and looked back at the still burning house. Different firemen fought still against the fire. But it looked senseless. Soon the whole house would break down and than it would be destroyed for all times. They had luck. Very big luck. It broke out in the middle of the night and only because one of the inhabitants came back from night shift they didn't burn in the flames. He saw the fire shortly after midnight and woke them all up after he called the fire brigade. They all grabbed some things and ran out of the street. To see how the flames grew higher and stronger. Until they destroyed the whole building.
"But... all my things..." whispered Makoto still shocked.
"We'll buy you new clothes and new pots and whatever you need." Michiru went over to the school bag and opened the photo album. It showed a small child laughing happily in her parent's embrace. "It looks as if you saved the important things. The rest is replaceable."
Makoto turned around, looked at the photos, the only thing that was left over from her parents, and nodded slightly. Then she hold her old toy tighter in her hands. She felt how Michiru stripped her jacket and pulled it around her shaking shoulders.
"Don't worry, Makoto. We'll find a way." Michiru took her phone and dialled a number. "First you can live with me. I have plenty room. As long as Himme-chan's crying doesn't annoy you. Tomorrow we'll call the others and then we'll find a solution. Okay?"
"Okay." Whispered Makoto back. Still too shocked to get a clear thought in her dizzy mind.
Five minutes later a taxi came and they drove to the light house by the sea. Makoto felt like in a movie where she wasn't the actress but the watcher as she stumbled over to the entrance door. Michiru carried her school bag and Makoto giggled sadly as she wondered why the hell she took her school books. She wasn't Ami. But somehow it had been a reflex. She knew she couldn't take her books, her clothes or her pots with her. So she took the only things she ever wrote or ever made by herself.
"I..." her voice died away as a young man opened the door. He wore jeans and a green shirt and smiled at the both of them. His dark hairs were shoulder long and concern laid in his dark eyes. Makoto froze in motion and it was Michiru who pushed her into the house.
"Who's that?" she managed to ask and started even more to freeze.
"Kei, that's Makoto. She's one of my best friends." Introduced Michiru and Makoto felt how a nice warm hand took her cold one and shook it tenderly. Automatically she bowed, too.
"Makoto, that's Kei. He's my brother."
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"She never mentioned an older brother." Makoto danced around in the kitchen. The nightmares disappeared with dawn and she felt suddenly happy. This kitchen was even better than her own one. A kitchen that had never owned her. But her landlord. The insurance would pay him and all she had to do was to search for another flat. Although she wasn't sure if she'd ever find such a cheap one again. Michiru told her that she could stay as long as she wanted and that they would go shopping as soon as she had time. There were some more rehearsals and in the meantime Makoto could use her clothes.
Of course all the inner senshi were there, too. They called them early in the morning and they all called Mamoru to drive them to the light house. Makoto was hugged very tight by everyone and more than one pair of eyes was full of tears. And deep concern. That they almost lost her. Because of a bloody fire.
Now they were all sitting in the living room and waiting for a late breakfast. Of course they wanted to help Makoto but she wanted to cook on her own. Just like she always did. What calmed her down. What comforted her. What was fun for her.
"Well, I am not the brother everyone shows around with pride." Answered Kei and looked for the plates. Usagi broke one and now they all were busy to comfort her. And to find another one. Because Chibiusa didn't want to eat from her hands. "The last three years I spent in jail."
Kei took a deep breath and opened another compartment. But there were only cups. Now it was out. He learned early in his life that it was better to tell the future just before other people started to like him for what he seemed to not for what he really was.
"What have you done?" Makoto concentrated on her eggs in the frying pane and reached for the salt. Then she checked the coffee and the milk. Chibiusa was too young to drink the dark, bitter drink. "Did you kill someone? Or rape? Or blackmail?" Her voice was calm but Kei knew that most of the people behaved nicely until they were fed up with him. Until they lost patience.
"Hey, you have a real cruel imagination." He giggled but turned serious again. "No, I've stolen some things to get by and... well, guess I was a little bit too greedy and too young. The police got me." He balanced the plate he finally found in his hands.
Makoto turned around and watched him for some seconds in silence. Then she smiled at him.
"Everyone makes mistakes time by time. Don't worry." The senshi of thunder remembered how many time Sailor Moon was able to forgive an enemy. An enemy who helped her afterwards. Who got friendlier and happier. Who used the second chance he or she got.
"Would you please bring the breakfast to the table? I am changing my clothes and waking Michiru up. She's still sleeping, isn't she?" Shortly they exchanged sad glances. Then Makoto left the kitchen. She got another room upstairs. It took her just some minutes to find the training suit Ikkuko had sent her to change. She brushed her hairs and held them together in a plaid. Then she knocked at Michiru's sleeping room door and opened it after no one replied. The bed was empty. The blanket was messed as if someone slept restless the whole night.
Poor Michiru.
Makoto crossed the room. She tried very hard to find Haruka. In Tokyo. Somewhere. But no one seemed to see her. Not even her racing team knew where she was. They searched her, too. It was as if she simply disappeared into nothing. Closed the door behind her and flew away. Makoto wasn't even sure if it had been Haruka she'd seen in the disco. Right at the moment she wanted to go over to the dead drunk woman Usagi and Rei attacked her with her dancing and wanted her to join them. As she was finally able to go back to the bar the seat was empty. The woman whoever she had been was gone.
"Michiru?"
She heard the choking noise behind a closed door. Slowly she opened it and saw Michiru kneeling over the toilet. Throwing up the few things she ate for dinner.
"Michiru?" Makoto was by her side the next moment and hold her tight. To prevent that she would hurt herself. As Michiru finally leaned back the senshi of thunder looked into tired blue eyes.
Haruka, what have you done?
Makoto swallowed hard and reached for a flannel to clean the pale face.
Michiru, why can't you simply let go?
But she knew that it wasn't that easy. It never had been.
"What's up with you?" Makoto sighed slightly. "Did you have a nightmare?"
The sea senshi freed herself out of the nice embracement and stroke her sea green curls on her small back.
"Guess now I am getting a flu." She whispered and closed her eyes. "Don't worry, Makoto. I'll bee okay, soon." Michiru smiled sadly. "I just need my time."
"I know." Makoto took the flannel away and stood up. Unsure what to do.
"I am fine, Makoto. Just go to the others. I'll join you as soon as I am dressed."
"Okay." Makoto opened the door again. "But tell me if you need anything. Remember, we're your friends. We're always there for you."
Michiru only nodded and winced slightly as the door was carefully closed again.
Just a flu?
The sea senshi sat down on the soft carpet and leaned herself against the cold tiles.
Just a nightmare?
Michiru placed two hands on her belly and looked thoughtfully at them. Her last period was now almost three months ago. That was normal for her. Haruka had always have the problem that her period was very regular and very strong. Michiru had the opposite problem. Her time of the months needed its time. Long time. Sometimes she would bleed just once in two months, sometimes only twice in a year. Her doctor once told her that it was normal. That she was still young. That her body still grew. That it would be better after she'd given birth to her first child.
Child...
Carefully she stroke over her belly and remembered the conversation she had with Haruka. Just half a year ago. When the young car racer was determined to adopt Himme-chan. Michiru had asked her if she wanted ever to have own children. Haruka simply took her into her arms and whispered that she'd love to have a child with her. One day. But that they both were women and that this was only a wish. That not even Sailor Moon was powerful enough to full fill it. That she was happy to have Himme-chan.
Michiru swallowed hard and remembered too well her nineteenth birthday. She had been so happy as Haruka won the Grand Prix and danced with her over the whole stage. Splashing her with champagne. Showing the whole world that she belonged to her. She didn't even care that her girlfriend forgot her birthday. She simply took her into her arms and loved her. And wished. Wished deeply. With all her soul. With all her heart. With all her supernatural powers.
Again she remembered how exhausted Haruka had been afterwards. As exhausted as she had never been after they made love. As exhausted as she simply couldn't have been in her trained state of body.
She looked as if something was taken from her. Given it away took all her strength...
Michiru swallowed hard and came hard to her feet. To went over in her sleeping room. To dress up. To get ready for another long day.
To find finally an answer. At least one answer in her now so confusing life.
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Congratulation.
Silently the door closed behind her.
Congratulation.
Silently she stood there on the staircase. Leaning against the cold handrail. Feeling the hot sun burning in her pale face. Automatically she lifted her hand and corrected the summer hat.
Congratulation.
She stood there. Simply stood there. She didn't know how much time passed. She only stood there. Watching the children screaming on the near playground. Laughing happily when their older brother or sister or even their parents haunted them. To embrace them. To hold them tight. To tickle them.
To love them with a love only a parent knew.
Congratulation.
Some birds flew through the cloudless sky. A soft breeze played with her long hairs, her long summer dress. Some cars passed by. Slowly. Some people walked by. Not noticing her. Not caring for her. Not seeing her at all.
Congratulation.
Again she heard the soft voice in her head. Again she saw into a proud face. Again she felt how she stared back. Unbelieving. Not sure if she should start to laugh or to cry.
Is this a dream?
She sighed deeply and looked down at her suddenly trembling body. Although it was another hot day. Of an endless summer. In an endless pain... Carefully, very, very carefully she placed her icy hands over her slim body. Still slim body. Still feeling the cold fluid on her white skin. Still seeing the strange picture on the screen. Still hearing the fast heart beat. That wasn't hers.
Is this a dream?
Once it had been her greatest dream. Her greatest desire. Her greatest wish. Unreachable for her. Only a child's promise. To have a big family one day. To be a good mother one day. To make it better than her own mother once had done.
And now?
Slowly her dream changed into reality. And she didn't knew if she didn't awake in a horrible nightmare. A nightmare she would never be able to escape again.
Congratulation.
It was all her fault. She prayed for it. With all her heart. With all her love. With all her supernatural powers. Now she had to live with the consequences.
All alone...
She turned her head and looked for a long time on the violin case standing next to her on the staircase. It was only one hour that her rehearsal would start. An important rehearsal of an important concert. Suddenly it didn't seem to be any important at all to her.
... of you never being at home!
Again she heard the raging voice in her head. Wondered if those words had been true. If she really had never been at home. If she never really cared about her daughter. If she only hide herself behind her music. In her own world as Ruka once whispered. Before they found the talismans. Before they had the final fight against Mistress 9.
And leaving her behind...
Michiru swallowed hard and took the violin case in her hands. Slowly she walked along the street. Not caring of the cars passing by. Not caring about time floating away. Not caring that her conductor would be very angry if she wouldn't come to this rehearsal. To a bloody rehearsal. To just another rehearsal...
The last one had been one too much.
She sighed deeply and simply turned to the left. To walk up the hill. Over twenty stairs. She had counted them before. But that seemed to be a long time ago. When she visited this place for the first time. Together with her Ruka.
Ruka...
Michiru gasped hard for breath as she finally reached the top. Went through the huge portal. The last time she often felt tired and exhausted. And now she knew why. It would be normal for the next time. As normal as it became throwing up her meals. First she thought that it had been the stress. Then the alcohol after they went dancing.
That had been so romantic...
And then the shock after Haruka simply went away.
Or had it been another bloody lie?
But somehow she couldn't imagine that Haruka lied to her. Not the whole time. Not her whole love. She had never been such a good actress. Not since Michiru got to know her closer. Closer than anyone else.
To I really think so?
Michiru stopped and took another deep breath and closed her eyes. She could hear the rushes of the leaves. Green leaves. Strong leaves. So lively leaves.
Until the autumn wind will blow them away.
A light breeze played with her dress and she started to shiver. Automatically she wrapped her arms around her slim waist and smiled a sad smile as the sun shone directly into her pale face. She felt a warmth she missed during the past days. So much. Not even a hot bath could warm up her icy body. As if she was trapped in an ice block. For all times. With no chance of escape.
She put her violin case down and slipped out of her shoes. Then she entered the old temple and walked silently over the thick, old carpet. Some candles were burning in a pleasant twilight. She could smell the smoke and the old wood. She had loved that place. Whenever she was sad she came here. After each tragedy that happened in her life. After every time they beat her. After every refusal.
Until I got to know my Ruka...
Michiru went on her knees and folded her hands before her chest. She bowed and said a silent prayer she used to say. Even during the time they searched for the Talismans. That she would never have to hold her crazy promise. That she would never have to sacrifice her Ruka. That she would never have to see her dying.
Dying...
After she recognized that Haruka suffered the same she did she brought her to this temple, too. Haruka liked this place. It was so peaceful. But at the same time full of life.
Full of life...
A bird flew through the sky outside and screamed loudly.
She should be happy. She should celebrate this day. She should dance around and laugh happily. She should thank God for that great gift he offered her. She should tell it to all people she met. She should go to the mall and do shopping. The craziest shopping she had ever done. The craziest shopping she thought she would never do. She should phone, no, visit all her friends. She should take her girlfriend in her arms and kiss her. And tell her at a romantic candlelight dinner that their greatest wish was granted.
Normally.
Normally she should do that. But today wasn't normal. No day would ever be normal again. It wasn't its fault. It wasn't Hotaru's fault . It was alike how much the little child screamed. How much she dirtied. How much she needed their attention and love. It wasn't Sailor Moon's fault. Nor was it destiny's fault.
It's all my fault.
Michiru bowed again and tears shimmered in her tired eyes. She cried a lot the past days and she was fed up with crying. With walking around like a ghost. But somehow she couldn't get rid of the emptiness that controlled her body. That filled her mined. That seemed to replace her heart.
It's all my fault.
She had been the one who only cared for their mission. For searching for the talismans. She had been the one letting them make that crazy promise. She had been the one being so crazy about her music. Playing on so many concerts. Having so many rehearsals. Never being really satisfied with herself. She had been the one being so crazy about Hotaru. The one who wanted to so badly to adopt the little child. Although she had seen her girlfriend's struggle during the first two months. Until she simply went to one of her concerts and left Ruka all alone with the little baby.
It's all my fault.
She had been the one pressing Haruka in a role that didn't suit her. That didn't fit her. That was still too big for her.
It's all my fault.
Michiru had pushed her further and further. Further than Haruka could bare at her young age. She hadn't been prepared of being a daddy. Of being a wife. Of being saviour of this world. All she ever wanted to do was racing her car. Being free. Independent.
It's all my fault.
The sea senshi hadn't seen the signs. Until it was too late. Until there was no way back. Until there was no chance of reunion. Of forgiveness. Of any hope...
It's...
She sobbed quietly and touched again her slim belly. Stroking tenderly over the thin cloth. Knowing that this had been another decision she had made without asking her girlfriend.
At least she doesn't know how silly I have been.
"But it had been my greatest wish..." whispered Michiru and bowed. Sea green curls fell over her shoulders, the summer hat landed somewhere on the carpet.
But it hadn't been Haruka's dream.
She sighed deeply and burned a candle. To put it in front of the altar. To the other ones. Saying another prayer.
I have to stop crying.
Michiru swallowed hard.
I have to stop moaning.
Slowly she came to her feet.
I have to start living again.
Carefully she took her violin case again.
I have to find my own way again.
She turned around and slowly left the temple. The sanctuary of her childhood. The place she hide whenever she felt weak. To believe that she wasn't alone there. That there was always someone watching over her. That there was always someone needing her. Loving her.
Now she recognized how wrong she had been.
I have to laugh again.
But somehow she didn't know how she should do that.
Time heals all wounds...
"Bloody phrase!" growled Michiru and stepped again out to the lovely, bright summer day. Placing her summer hat again in her curls. Donating some coins. Looking at the ravens in a huge tree.
Congratulation.
Again she touched her slim belly. Tears sparkled in her eyes while a thin smile appeared on her shaking lips.
"Welcome to this world, little one."
It was nothing more than a silent whisper. Just like another prayer.
Hope I'll be a good mother.
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She sat in the tube. There was hardly any water in there. Cold water. Running over her freezing body. But she didn't notice it. Her eyes stared at the white walls around her. Blank. Wide.
Loud music filled the air. Excluded all other noises. Cast her out from the world. The living world.
I love you, Ruka.
Wet hairs pasted in her forehead and in her neck. Some drops ran over her small breasts and over her belly. It grew during the past week. Not much, but she noticed it. Her pants were becoming more and more narrow. But she didn't see any reason why she should buy new ones.
What for?
They would fit her for the next two weeks.
No, one and a half.
She swallowed hard and slowly reached over to the shower gel. To wash the sweat away from her body. To try to get rid of the dirt she still felt on her hands.
She knew she would have been shocked to see herself like that. Slowly putting on weight. Although she stopped eating one week ago. Just a short meal before she took her medicine. That the bitter pills could work. But all the other food she only threw up. In the middle of the night. When there was no one around. When she believed to die in the darkness. Surrounded by loud, raging music. But no one had mercy with her. Slowly but determined another dawn came and she had to face another terrible day.
The doctor told her that it was normal. That the medicine did that to her body. That the illness did that do her body. That the shadow did that to her body.
To my belly.
She lowered her gaze and saw her long legs she once had been so proud of. Now they were very thin. Just like her once so powerful arms.
It would be over after the operation. A good cure and a good therapy and she would be able to run again. Then she would regain her strength. Then the lump would disappear again from her belly.
It's all bullshit!
She started to wash her hairs. The CD player automatically repeated the song. Somewhere there was the light from the TV set. Still shinning in the darkness. Mute as always. But lively. Her only society.
They're all telling me lies!
Somewhere an alarm clock was ringing. But it died away as the music increased. As the song got more raging. Wilder. As wild as she had been. A real tomboy.
Now I am just a ghost.
She sighed deeply and stood slowly up. She reached for her towel to dry that body that didn't seem to belong to her any longer.
No. Now I am just an angel's child.
Carefully she dried herself but didn't look into the mirror. She knew she didn't want to see her reflection. Her tired eyes. Her pale face. The empty expression that made her shiver. Or was it the bitter cold she felt deep in her belly each time she remembered all the nasty words she had yelled at her lover? The most important person in her whole life...
No, it's better this way.
She turned around to walk again over to the couch. To creep under the blanket and to watch TV. The whole night. Until dawn came. Until she finally fell asleep. For some hours. Before she had to go again to the doctor and to get things done. Finally done.
It's better this way.
Haruka groaned as the pain increased again inside her body. She used the double dose the last time but somehow it didn't work any more. Not as long as it had done just some days ago. She cursed and knew that she had to change the alarm clock's time again. As she did at least once a day.
It's better this way.
She went on her knees on the carpet and hold her belly. Gasping hard for breath.
I am only an angel's child.
Everything went black and suddenly she was relieved as the impenetrable darkness surrounded her.
Waiting for my wings...
With a slight sigh she fainted.
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The room was white. Bright light shone through an opened window. She could feel the soft breeze playing with her sea green hairs. Slightly she frowned and looked around. There were nice pictures on the wall. Pictures she didn't drew, she didn't even knew. About an old garden. With a bridge over a small lake. It looked like a typical traditional Japanese garden. The ones she admired so much. But she never had have the time to create such a garden near her house. There were flowers on the table. Nice flowers. Six red roses and four white ones. She loved those flowers. Her favourite flowers. And Haruka's favourite flowers.
Michiru smiled and touched thoughtless the petals. They felt soft. Incredible soft. Until she recognized that they were artificial.
She was sitting in an old chair. At an old table. And she wasn't alone there. Somehow she felt that she wasn't alone in the small room. But she couldn't see anyone.
How did I come to this place?
She didn't know. The same she didn't know why she took the heavy vase and put it aside.
Where am I?
Michiru didn't know that either. But it didn't matter the next moment. The next moment she stared into dark green eyes. Wide open.
Ruka?
The sea goddess swallowed hard.
"Ruka?"
But the taller woman didn't react. She only stared at her. And right through her.
"Ruka?" Michiru rose from her chair and saw how those green eyes followed her. But the senshi of the wind still didn't react. Not even when she stepped over to her. Pushing her shoulder. Calling her name. Over and over again.
"Ruka! So say a word!"
Again those green eyes stared at her, before she turned her head away and watched the flowers. As she seemed to have done before Michiru moved.
"Haruka!" Michiru pleaded and felt tears running over her cheeks. "So say a word! Do you hear me? Can you see me? Do you recognize me?"
But the tall blonde didn't seem to. She only sat there. Staring into nothing. Into her own world.
"Ruka?"
The door was opened and some people came in. They all wear white clothes. Just like the senshi of the wind. They talked to the tall woman. But Michiru didn't understand them. She simply couldn't. She tried hard. She screamed at them, too, but they simply didn't react.
"Damn! I am real! I am here! Don't behave like that!" she screamed out loud. But they ignored her and stroke tenderly through blonde strands. As if Haruka was a small child again.
"You can't..." Michiru's voice died away as she saw the strange smile on her lover's face. The confused expression on the pale face.
"What happened?" now Michiru sobbed. Knowing that she wouldn't get any answer.
She is much improved.
She heard the low voice in her head and swirled around. But there was no one standing behind her.
"Improved?" she whispered, not knowing what that all meant. "Improved?" Again she looked at her still staring Haruka. "You call that improved? She's a bloody zombie!" Suddenly she was very, very angry. Although she didn't know why. And she felt hurt. Misunderstood. Simply out of place.
Is that a nightmare?
Again she felt the breeze in her curls. Again she heard the birds singing outside the opened window. Again she smelled the sweets flower's scent.
No, it's all real.
She sobbed hard as she went on her knees before her still staring Haruka. Smiling at the picture.
"Ruka..." she started to talk. To remind her what they all had seen. What they all went through. Together. What they both had dreamed of. Once.
"I love you." She whispered and took that icy hand into her own one. Kissed the cold flesh. Wondering if there was still life in that slack body.
"I love you..."
There was no reply.
No matter how often she said those words. Words that once meant everything to her.
"I love you... for all time..."
She sobbed hard and sat down again on her chair. To look into a pale face. To pray to the Gods. To wait for a miracle. That would not happen.
"I love..."
At that moment Haruka rose from the chair. The long white night dress covered her feet and her hands. It seemed to be too tall. Or was Haruka suddenly too small? Her dark green eyes focused for some seconds on the smaller senshi and she smiled an honestly, a happy smile. A tenderly smile.
Love you, too.
Michiru blinked away some tears. She wasn't sure if Haruka had said those words aloud. But somehow she had heard them in her mind. Deep in her heart. Knowing that they were still real.
"Ruka?"
She tried to get to her feet again, but suddenly she was too weak to. Too tired. Too exhausted.
"Ruka..."
The smile died away and the tall blonde laid her head in her neck. She closed her eyes and spreat her arms. The night dress looked now like a blanket. It fell from her body as the wind grew stronger. Unseen it landed on the ground. A white carpet.
"Ruka..." It was nothing more than a whisper. Michiru's eyes grew wide as she saw her lover. Naked. Still the same senshi. But at the same time different. Another one.
I love you, Michi-chan. Forever.
Again that tender voice. A voice she got to know during the past six years. She learned to love.
"Ruka..."
Michiru shook her head and gasped hard for breath as suddenly something was spreat behind Haruka's body. Behind her arms. Behind her suddenly fragile being.
"Ruka..."
White wings suddenly filled the room. From one wall to the other one. Haruka lowered her head and smiled at her lover. Without opening her eyes.
I am now your guard, Michi-chan.
"NO!"
Finally Michiru was able to free herself from her numbness.
"NO!"
But she couldn't hold her lover back. Tightly. For all times. As she reached the other side of the table Haruka was long gone. Flown away. All that remained were the pictures on the wall. The flowers on the table. The cold wind. And something else.
Michiru bowed and stared for a long time at the feather in her trembling hands.
The feather of a white wing.
"NO!"
Of an angel's wing...
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"NO!"
She struggled against her blanket. Knocked over her alarm clock. Smashed the glass of water standing next to her bed. Until she finally found the button. To push it very hard. And looking with wide eyes on the small lamp light. That could hardly bright up her sleeping room.
"No..." she sobbed and her whole body trembled. Michiru swallowed hard and lowered her head. Leaned against the cold wand. Trying desperately to forget.
What a terrible nightmare!
The last nights a lot of nightmares were haunting her down. Mostly how Haruka left her. How she simply closed the door and went away. And never came back. Or how she tried to kidnap Hotaru. Or how she simply sat there at the bar and kissed a red haired bitch.
But never she had such a strange, such a frightening one.
It looked all so real...
Michiru took a deep breath and groaned as the nausea increased inside her belly. A well known nausea.
How late...
She raised her head and could see the first light of a new born day. Shinning still shyly over the still dark waves. Michiru stood up and stumbled over to the balcony door to open it wide. The fresh breeze let her shiver. Michiru stroke some sweaty curls out of her sweaty forehead and had to smile. The cold didn't matter. It all was better than those nightmares. Than her life. The worst nightmare of all.
"Shit..." she swore silently and hold her belly. Then she turned around and reeled as quickly as she could over to her bathroom. There she went again into her knees - as she had done so often during the past time - and threw up again her dinner. Makoto did such an excellent job with the chicken and Michiru regretted a bit to waste all this nice food.
It's normal. The doctor told you.
The light was switched on while she choked and the next moment she felt two arms holding her.
"Princess?" she heard a low voice.
"Michiru?" she heard a high voice.
Both voices were sleepy. And very concerned. And so endless friendly...
Surely I woke them up with my scream.
"I am fine..." whispered Michiru and leaned herself back in her brother's arms. Feeling the nice wet flannel on her wet face. Seeing how Makoto was suddenly busy. The next moment a towel laid around her shoulders and the senshi of thunder hold a nice soft bathrobe in her arms.
"No, you aren't, princess."
"You should visit the doctor tomorrow."
"You should hear of your friends."
"I call Ami's mother as soon as she's at work."
Michiru smiled tiredly at them and was suddenly very relieved to have such friends. They were there for her. No one called her cowards. No one blamed her for what happened. No one shouted at her that she should become normal again. That it wasn't all that bad. That it was normal that a love broke apart after a certain time. And they all did never show their sympathy. Maybe they were pity for her, they never showed it. They simply helped. Without a word being spoken. They simply saw it in her eyes and were there. Simply there.
How can I ever make it up for them again?
"I've been to the doctor yesterday." Whispered Michiru and felt how Kei took her into his strong arms to carry her over to the bed. Carefully he let her down while Makoto searched in the huge wardrobes for a suitable summer dress. The water was already working and surely the senshi of thunder would help her to take a nice warm bath. Again.
"And what did he say?" There was real concern in dark eyes. And fear. Warm hands stroke tenderly through sea green curls while Makoto discovered a nice light green summer dress. The same green like her hairs. Just a little bit lighter.
"That it'll be normal for the next weeks." Answered the sea goddess.
Her brother frowned. The light green dress fell on the carpet. Two pairs of eyes watched her in disbelieve.
"Nani?"
It was Makoto who talked first.
"Are you...?" Michiru could see how the thoughts spun around in the inner senshi's mind. How she looked at her slim belly and shook her head. And swallowed hard.
"Hai." The sea goddess smiled. It was a sad smile. "In about six or seven months Hotaru will have a small sister or brother."
Makoto's chin dropped and she sat down on the carpet with a quick motion. Still staring at a slim belly. Being suddenly very pale.
"But..." she stammered. Knowing that Michiru had really loved Haruka. And that she would have never done such a silly things as cheating the young car racer. And that they both were women.
"But..." Knowing that Sailor Moon wasn't that powerful. That Setsuna would never misuse her powers to change space and time. Knowing that this was a miracle. A real miracle.
"But HOW?"
Michiru shrugged her shoulders.
"Sometimes we do crazy things when we're in love, Mako-chan."
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She opened her eyes and stared on the ceiling. It was already dawn. But in her mind it was still night. Somewhere her alarm clock rang and she rolled over to get some pills. She swallowed them but felt too tired to stand up and to find something to drink. Blonde strands hang in her dark green eyes as she turned towards the TV screen. Staring at the moving pictures with an empty expression on her sweaty face.
What a fucking nightmare!
She sighed deeply as she put the remote control. Soon the song filled the small flat again. While she simply laid there. Staring at the screen. Hoping that the medicine started again to work.
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The sky was cloudy. But still it was very hot. And oppressive. The air was thick. It was hard for her to breath. But nevertheless she walked along the pavement.
"Do you like it?" Michiru smiled down at her daughter who ate her ice cream with passion. Most of it landed on her blue skirt, but the sea senshi didn't care. She had a washing machine. And Hotaru seemed to have a lot of fun. That was all what counted.
"It's nice cold." A lemon ice was in her right hand while her left one pushed the sport's pram. In about an hour she would meet Usagi and Chibiusa in the near park. To discuss with them the picnic they wanted to do in the weekend. To celebrate Minako's birthday again. This time in a calmer, in a sober way. Of course the senshi of love agreed. She liked parties and Makoto already bought all the food she wanted to transform into delicious meals for Saturday.
Poor Kei.
Michiru giggled slightly as she remembered how Makoto had begged her brother to come with her. To help her with the heavy bags. And so Kei accompanied her after Michiru declared him that she was fine. That she only wanted to read a book and that she was feeling good enough to take care for Hotaru.
They came back three hours later. Kei was carrying about five huge bags while Makoto talked the whole time. About the different receipts.
But somehow he had looked happy.
Michiru smiled while she finished her ice cream. Her brother had been really relieved that the Sailor team liked him. That they simply behaved as if he belonged to the big, lively family, too. That they weren't disturbed when they heard where he actually spent the last three years.
Everyone does mistakes time by time.
The same sentence Sailor Moon had once said to different enemies and finally to Haruka and Michiru after the final battle against Mistress 9. Usagi told him that sentence during the lively breakfast.
What shall I do without them?
"Mama." Laughed Hotaru happily and threw the rest of her ice cream away. Her toy bunny followed. Michiru was busy to collect it and to give it back to her. The little girl cried the whole last nights and now there was a second tooth out of the gum. Whenever she grinned there were now two little teeth blinking at the observer.
"My little darling." She whispered back and stroke loving over round cheeks. "My sweet little darling." She knew that it would get hard with two little children at home. Hotaru would hardly be two when her child would be born. A lot of stress laid before her. But suddenly she was sure that she would make it. Together with her brother and her friends she would raise them. Somehow.
I have enough money.
But she knew that this wasn't what little children needed.
They need time and love.
Michiru swallowed hard and rose again from her kneeling position. To take the handlebars again in her hands.
And they need their parents. Their mommy and their daddy. Both...
She raised her head and froze in motion as she looked into startled dark green eyes.
Ruka...
Michi-chan...
Haruka swallowed hard and started suddenly to shiver in her jacket. Hard she grabbed the small medicine bottle in her pocket. She just had been to the doctor and decided to go for a walk in the near park. As long as it was still possible for her. To think it over what she had already written down. To make a list what all was still to be done. What she wanted to tell on the telephone, too.
She looks tired.
She is so pale.
Michiru took a deep breath. Haruka stood right in front of her. In front of the sport pram. Staring at her with her mysterious shinning eyes. There was no expression on her face. No regret. No sorrow. Not even the slightest sign of a memory. A memory of what they had shared the past years.
Don't recognize me, do you?
Haruka grabbed her medicine bottle even harder until it hurt. Only inches separated them. All she had to do was to go over to her sea goddess. To say that she regretted what she had said. That she felt sorry for what she had done. To ask for forgiveness.
Don't let other suffer. Never!
Some people passed by but they didn't see them. They only saw each other.
I love you, Ruka.
I love you, Michi-chan.
A pleasant cold breeze played with both of their clothes. With a light green summer dress. With dark trousers, a wide dark shirt and a think dark jacket. They looked like light and darkness. Light good and evil. Like hope and despair.
I miss you so much.
I only think of you.
The sun broke through the light clouds and bathed them in a nice shine.
"Daddy!" Hotaru screamed happily and stretched her tiny arms towards the tall blonde. Both women blinked and returned back from their world. A world only they seemed to have shared. A long time ago. Until they lost it. Somehow.
"Daddy."
The desire to take the little girl, her daughter, in her arms was almost irresistible. Haruka clenched her fists and slowly put the headphones again on her head. To listen to the loud music again.
Don't let other suffer.
"Daddy!" now Hotaru got depressed and started to scream.
Without saying a single word Haruka put on the walkman and simply walked away. Slightly their arms touched but she didn't stop. She only walked away. Staring determinedly at the ground. Not turning her head back to look again at them. Through her tears.
Don't let HER suffer.
Michiru swallowed hard and wanted to reach for that arm. To hold it back. To hold it tight. But somehow she couldn't react. She simply couldn't move. She only stood there and let her go.
Please, don't leave me.
Michiru shivered and took her crying daughter in her arms to rock her. Knowing that it was over. Finally over. Haruka didn't want her any longer. Haruka didn't love her any longer. Haruka didn't need her any longer.
"Hush, my honey." She whispered and hummed a sweet melody for her Himme-chan. It sounded strange in her ears. Wrong. Insensible.
It's all over.
Deeply she sighed. Still seeing the emotionless pale face in front of her.
All those year's are gone now.
A stranger's face.
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