Chapter three: Wish you well
One month ago I had been strong. Full of life. With a shinning future. With a loving family.
She clenched her fists, felt how her whole body trembled. She bit hard on her lower lip, because she couldn't control it any longer. As she couldn't control so many other things in her life any longer.
I used to be as fast as the wind.
Now she gasped hard for breath when she only walked five steps. She almost fainted whenever she finally reached the top of the staircase that leaded to her apartment's floor. She knew she could use the elevator but still she didn't want to give in her weakness. But she had to realize that real sport was impossible for her now. Just like running. Running very fast. As fast as the wild nature's element. Her body refused any other motion than walking slowly. Very slowly. Too slow for her thoughts. She could remember times when she run away. From her problems. From her loneliness in her life. From her nightmares of the end of the world. From the knowledge that her parents were dead. That no one would stay forever. Hai, she had been fast. Sometimes she was even able to escape this bloody life she was trapped in. Rich but never wanted. Her aunt showed her all her love, but she was only her aunt and Haruka knew that. Now all she could do was to hide under her blanket and hope that the nightmares would go away. Somehow. Sometime. Hopefully.
I used to be the best car racer in Japan.
Now her Ferrari was a wreck. She caused more than one accident. The first one was her fault. Because she had been dead drunk. And it seemed to be funny to kneel in front of the broken car and to laugh until tears ran over her pale cheeks. But the second and the third one... She simply didn't see the bend. She simply didn't watch out for the traffic light. That it had been red. She was grateful that no one was injured because of her sudden dizziness. Of her tiredness. Of the pain in her body. She cared for the other broken cars and decided sadly to stop driving. She didn't want to harm other people because of her terrible state of body. So she simply parked the Ferrari and used the bus or the subway instead. Although she didn't quite understand how to use those vehicles properly. And the way how to get a ticket. But there were many friendly persons around who helped her.
Yeah, like an old woman...
She sighed but didn't open her eyes as she heard the silent foot steps toward the hard bed she was laying in.
I used to have so many friends.
Now she was alone. Okay, it was her own fault. She didn't tell them where she lived. No one knew it. Not even the race team.
It's not that important. Not any longer.
She knew it was better for the sailor team. She knew Usagi too well. She would have never accepted her decision.
Just like Michi-chan...
She felt the soft hand carefully taking her right arm.
I used to be a daddy.
Now she was nothing for the small child anymore. Not even an aunt. Not even a friend. Just a total stranger. To a child she simply ignored in the sport pram. Screaming for her. To get her attention. To get her love.
Was it just yesterday?
She winced as she heard again the high voice in her ears. Screaming "daddy" and meaning her. Again she remembered how she hold the little girl tight. For so many times. How she changed nappies. How she stood up in the middle of the night to calm the sweet darling down. How she fed the greedy girl. How she simply sat on the couch and listened to soft violin music. Watching her daughter the whole evening. Only watching her. And holding her tight. And promising her silently that she would love her forever. That she would be forever there. That she would protect her against all dangers of this world. A promise she couldn't keep.
I used to be a lover.
Now she was alone. Not even a friend any longer. Not after all what she had said. Screamed. That she didn't want her girlfriend any longer. That she was fed up with her obsession of making music. That she wasn't prepared to lead a happy family life. That she had been forced to become that Sailor Uranus to save the world. A world she hated. That she needed her freedom and her independence more than she needed the young woman with that tender smile on her face.
I must have hurt her terribly with my rough words.
Haruka took a deep breath.
Michi-chan was so pale. So terrified. So...
Again she felt the desire to stand up. To take the next taxi and to go home. To tell Michiru the truth and to ask for forgiveness. But she knew she wasn't allowed to. She wasn't a lover any longer. She was all alone now. Doomed to wake up at night and feeling that there was no one around. No smiling sea beauty who would take her into her warm embrace after each terrible nightmare. No laughing water goddess who would help her making breakfast. No wonderful Michiru who would simply be there to make her life worthwhile.
Is it the right decision?
Panic grew inside her mind just like the pain grew inside her body.
Don't let other suffer!
Something cold touched her arm but she didn't care about it.
Don't let HER suffer!
"That will hurt a little bit." The voice was low and understanding. Haruka winced as a short pain flashed through her right arm. But it was tiny compared to the pain she had felt the last evening. When she recognized that she had lost her medicine on the way to her apartment. And it was nothing compared to the pain in her heart.
Slowly the blonde opened her eyes and stared at the drip which was now connected to her right arm. A skinny arm. An ugly arm.
"Dr. Taka-san?" It was the first time that Haruka called out her doctor's name. But she didn't notice it. All she noticed was that her voice was silent and shaky.
So damn weak!
"Are you feeling better, Tenô-san?" asked the older woman and smiled friendly at her. But that smile wasn't sad nor did Haruka see any trace of sympathy in brown eyes. All she saw was understanding and slight concern.
"What happened?" The wind senshi blinked and slowly she realized that she laid in a strange bed. In a strange room. But in a hospital she got to know too well during the past weeks.
"That's what I should ask you, Tenô-san."
Haruka frowned and remembered slightly that she searched for half an hour for her medicine after the alarm clock started to work. Her belly hurt more and more while the music seemed to increase. She couldn't hold balance and dizziness filled her mind. She smashed a cup while she seized on the table and only got to grab the table cloth. She stumbled more than once over her still packed bag she refused to put into the huge wardrobe. An empty wardrobe. An wardrobe too big for a single person. Everything turned around her while she searched helplessly for her medicine. Already knowing that she wouldn't find it. Then there was that penetrating ringing of the door again. Again she saw Tara standing outside on the corridor. Only wearing a thin shirt. Holding up an empty sugar box. Looking very shocked.
And then?
She frowned even more. But all she remembered was darkness. An impenetrable darkness that surrounded her. That never would let go again. A nice darkness that took away the incredible pain. A calming darkness that let her forget her nightmares. Her destiny. The cruel world outside the apartment.
"Your neighbour called the ambulance." The doctor controlled the dip and an injection appeared in her calm hands. They didn't shake. They didn't hesitate. They didn't hurt her. Not really.
"Tara?" Her voice was nothing but a whisper.
"Hai. She's still waiting outside. Do you want to see her?"
"No!"
There was only one person Haruka wanted to see. Badly to see. But she knew she wasn't allowed to.
Don't let other suffer!
"I have to take some blood for the tests." The older woman sighed as the blonde only turned her head away. To stare out of the window. To ignore her presence. To ignore where she was. To forget what it really meant.
"Don't give up, Tenô-san. Twenty percent are a chance."
Sure. A chance to die slowly over five years. Just like my mama did.
Don't let HER suffer!
"Don't you want to stay here for the week? Until the operation? Here you could get the right medicine at the right time."
Again the blonde didn't react and Dr. Taka shook her head. She knew that her patient wouldn't stay. They discussed that topic at their last meeting and the tall woman maid her point clear. That she didn't want to hang around in hospital and to wait for that special day. She told her that she had too many things to get done than to lay around and to stare at the ceiling.
She never brought her daughter again with her.
Carefully the doctor took the blood and looked thoughtfully at the young woman. A beautiful woman. A surely strong woman. And a very proud woman.
She never brought anyone with her. Not her boyfriend or husband. Not her relatives. Not her friends. No one...
"I'll be soon back, Tenô-san." The tall blonde kept silent as the doctor finally rose from the chair. "And then we'll talk."
I don't wanna talk!
Haruka bit on her lower lip as the door closed silently. She tried to clench her fists, but they simply refused. So she only laid there and stared helplessly into another summer night in central Tokyo. Some trees moved in front of the window and broke partly the light of the skyscrapers around. Some stars sparkled in an cloudless sky.
Summer.
Although it was still very warm Haruka started to shiver.
My last one...
Again she closed her eyes. To outcast the world. The shadows which surrounded her soul. Which waited in every corner. To haunt her down. To steal her sleep. To turn her life into hell.
One month ago I had been strong. Full of life. With a shinning future. With a loving family.
She couldn't hold back a sob. She felt tears burning behind her lashes. But still she was unwilling to let them fall. To give in her fears. To cry out loud for help. Help she wouldn't get.
Now I am weak. Bound to bloody medicine.
The window was suddenly opened by a hard blast.
Now I am full of death. Trapped in a dying body.
The wind played powerful with her hairs, dried the sweat on her face. Let her even more shiver.
Now there's no future left.
The blast seemed to howl. To scream. To pull at her. To carry her far away. From that damn place. From a doomed destiny. From the hell she was living in.
Now I left my family. I am all alone...
As she finally opened her eyes again she could have sworn that this was no normal wind any longer.
It's calling for me...
It was black.
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She could hear the birds screaming high above. She could see the waves crashing on the beach. Near. She could feel the wind playing with the narrow leather clothes she was wearing. Knowing that it was the last time that she would be able to wear them.
What a feeling!
With a loud roar the motorbike speeded up. Taking the bends tightly. Reaching its limit and crossing it easily. The Suzuki was now over five years old, but it was well cared for. The steal sparkled in the sun's bright light. The sky was cloudless and surely it was very hot. But she didn't feel it. All she felt was the wind. Getting wilder the faster she drove the expensive motorbike.
Is that why she loved it?
It was more than just the feeling of being fast. Wild. Independent. It was the freedom she felt. The incredible knowing of being unbound. Of being only responsible for herself. That no one could reach her. That no one could hurt her there.
She wanted to spreat her arms. To lay her head in her neck and to stare at the endless blue above her. But instead she speeded even more up and laid all her heart in the race. All her sorrows. All her despair. The beach flew by and quickly she reached the suburban area of Tokyo. Not noticing the car that followed her. In the same dangerously, the same deadly speed.
It's an incredible feeling.
She sighed deeply and crossed the crossroad although the traffic light was red. There was the screaming of different brakes and the yelling of terrified drivers. But she didn't hear them.
You have to sense what it's doing. You have to be with it. You have to be the wind.
Again she heard the laughing voice in her mind. Knowing that she would never hear it again. Not that way. Maybe not at all...
It's a great feeling.
But it's not as great as I remembered.
Because today she was alone on the motorbike. There was no one around to tease her. To laugh with her. To pray that nothing happened to the rest of the innocent world they seemed to haunt. And of course not to the motorbike.
Did I really haunt? Or did I try to escape? From my past? My life?
She knew that she couldn't escape today. Not any longer. Even if she wanted to.
More screaming brakes. More yelling people. Even a barking dog. Still she ignored them. As she didn't see the car that followed her obstinately. As if it wouldn't let her escape.
Now the streets crowded slowly with other cars. But it was late morning. The feared traffic jam was still some hours away. She simply slipped through the free space between them. It got harder for the car to follow.
I can't accept all this nonsense! I simply can't let her go like that! I am not such a coward not to face reality, but that's bullshit. And she knows it!
Tears sparkled in her eyes while she speeded up even more. She knew that it would have been very expensive if any police man would have caught her. But she didn't care about it. Money wasn't all that counted. She knew how it was to live in poverty, but she knew that it could be more terrible to live in solitude. To be rejected by all persons she loved. To be an outcast no one wanted.
But...
She sighed deeply, tried desperately to forget the low voice in her head. Yelling at her. Telling her that it was over. That she wasn't needed any longer. That she wasn't loved any longer.
Congratulation.
I want to tell her what happened.
But the same time she knew that it was impossible. She wanted her girlfriend back. But not because of anyone else than herself. Her girlfriend should come back because she loved her. Not because she felt responsible for what that wasn't even her fault.
I should have asked her.
She raised her head and something caught her sight. She turned the motorbike around and the wheels screamed as she drove over the pavement and stopped shortly before a shop's window.
Now it's too late for moaning. As it is for anything else...
The car stopped with the same screaming brakes and some men jumped out of it. They wore working clothes and looked as they'd taken a bath in oil. Motor oil.
"Is that she?"
"Of course she is. No one else has that style."
"Hai, I know her style."
"It's her!"
"Thank goddess."
"Hai, I am fed up with searching her."
She didn't hear their voices behind her. Didn't hear their foot steps coming quickly towards. She only saw the shop window and the things they sold there. Carefully she left the motorbike and made sure that it wouldn't fell down. Then she walked over to the window and put a hand against the cold glass.
I should stop crying and facing my future.
She took the helmet off and sea green hairs fell over small shoulders. Deep blue eyes looked for a long time at the cradle standing in the middle of the shop's window.
Now there're more important things to do than moaning. Over something I can't change.
She smiled a sad smile while her free hand touched carefully her slim belly. Tears sparkled in her eyes but this time she didn't let them fall. She only stood there. Staring at the cradle. Knowing that she had responsibilities she couldn't run away from so simply. She couldn't escape. And somehow she didn't want to.
I have a family to take care for.
"That's not Tenô-san!"
She didn't notice the disappointed voices from the mechanics.
"No, that's Kaioh-san."
"But how..."
Michiru sighed deeply as she entered the shop. To buy the first clothes for her unborn child. And the cradle. And a huge teddy bear. She would take into the big empty bed next. To embrace it. To be comforted by it. To be able to sleep again. At last.
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How can she sleep with that noise?
Kei frowned and leaned over the small bed. But his niece only chewed on her thumb and smiled happily. A smile he didn't see while she was awake.
Does she know that her daddy left her?
The young man kneeled down and picked up the toy bunny that laid on the carpet before the bed.
"This time you've gone too far
This time you've gone too far
This time you've gone too far
I told you, I told you, I told you, I told you,
This time you've gone too far
This time you've gone too far
I told you, I told you, I told you, I told you."
Kei rolled his eyes as he heard his sister's voice singing next to the low man's one. She played one of her favourite CDs very loudly and sang with all her heart.
Her heart? She sings with all her hate.
The young man stroke gently over Hotaru's round cheeks. Then he left the children's room and closed the door silently behind himself. His sister was just three doors ahead. Where she spent the whole afternoon. Singing out loud to different songs. But all of them had one in common: Deep sorrow, rage and hate. Kei and even Makoto tried to talk to her, but she didn't want to talk. She simply put the box she bought in the city down and started to empty one of the guest rooms. Kei helped her but when she started to paint the walls she simply told him to get out. That she wanted to be on her own. That she needed to think. That she wanted to do something. Anything that would keep her from becoming totally insane.
"Don't talk back
Just drive the car
Shut your mouth
I know what you are
Don't say nothing
Keep your hands on the wheel
Don't turn around, this is for real."
Kei sighed as he saw the girl sitting next to the opened door. On the ground. On the soft carpet. Listening to the aggressive voice. Learning French vocabulary from a thick folder.
Shortly Makoto looked up and he could see that her eyes were red. That she was tired. But she wouldn't go away. Not as long as Michiru balanced on a ladder. Not as long as she got dizzy from one second to the next one. Not as long as her friend would need her.
Kei sat down opposite to her so that he was able to look into the room. Half of the walls were now painted. In different shades of blue. He wasn't a genius and he didn't understand a lot of art, but he knew that it showed the sea. The ground up to the surface. How it slowly merged with the sky. A bright sky.
This is for my sea child. had Michiru declared him after he asked stupid what she was about to do. Just like what she had done to Hotaru's room. But her walls didn't show the deep sea, but the endless sky. From dusk over midnight till dawn. With stars and little glow worms sparkling in the darkness. To lead the little girl from one light to the other one.
She loves Himme-chan.
Kei smiled over to Makoto who smiled back. It was a sad smile. Then she turned again towards her folder and tried hard to learn those words. Stupid vocabulary that didn't seem to be so important any longer. Not after her flat burned. Not after she almost lost her life. Not after she feared that Michiru would really became insane. Because of the loneliness in her life. They all had thought that Haruka and Michiru were a couple. By destiny. Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune. They always fought together. Lived together. Even died together. But now... Now it all seemed to be over.
And Makoto was afraid if Michiru could handle the child. A child from her girlfriend. She wanted so badly to have together with Haruka. She would now have to carry out and to raise all on her own.
No, not on her own. She has incredible good friends. With them everything is possible.
It was just two days ago that Kei asked his sister if she was really sure. If she really wanted to keep that child. Michiru only nodded and whispered that it wasn't its fault. And that she wouldn't give up her greatest dream. Even if it would mean to sacrifice other dreams. Then she lowered her head and started desperately to sob. Kei hold her tight for the rest of the evening and he didn't move away until she fell asleep.
I wish I could help her.
"Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt."
He saw how Michiru swirled around in the room and swung some brushes around. Blue and white colours dirtied her white dress but she didn't seem to care about it. Her cheeks were redden while she sang with all her heart. Some strands escaped her plaid and they touched her shoulders. Small shoulders. Too often shaking shoulders. Shaking because of desperate crying. But there was an expression on his sister's face that told Kei that she wouldn't give up. That she wouldn't creep into her own world and die. She never had. She always fought. In the orphan's house. At school. Where no one saw how talented she was. How smart. How wonderful. Where she was only the slim, pale girl who didn't want to talk too much about herself. Because she had known that the other pupils would have laughed about her. About her poverty. About the place she lived. About the people there around.
But my princess never gave up.
Whatever happened, she didn't ran away. Not the silly way he had done. She had seen that she was too young to live on her own. So she decided to wait until she was eighteen.
But before her eighteenth birthday she got to know that Tenô Haruka...
Michiru turned again towards the wall and the brush danced again over the still white walls. A determined expression laid on her face and her deep blue eyes sparkled.
It's hate.
Kei swallowed hard. He knew too well that it was right what they said. That love could turn very quickly into hate. Into raging hate.
Is it the right way?
"Digging in the dirt
To find the places we got hurt
Digging in the dirt
To find the places we got hurt
Digging in the dirt
To find the places we got hurt
Digging in the dirt
To find the places we got hurt."
But the young man knew that it was the only way for his sister to survive this dark part of her life.
Slowly he came to his feet and without hesitation he took Makoto's arms. The folder fell unseen on the carpet and brown eyes watched him asking. Together they stepped into the room and the senshi of thunder had to admit that Michiru was real artist. The sea looked so real, she could almost hear the rushes of the wild waves.
This child is welcomed.
She swallowed hard as the song ended and she heard how Michiru took a deep breath.
"What's up, Kei?" Michiru concentrated on a tiny wave in the middle of a big one and quickly she changed the brush and took the white colour. "Is it already supper time? I bought..."
"Oh, don't worry, we won't starve with Mako-chan around."
Mako-chan?
The senshi of thunder blushed deeply from the compliment and started to giggle. Michiru only smiled. But it was an honest smile. Although it still looked sad.
She simply needs time.
Makoto and Kei exchanged glances. They both knew that Michiru would need more than just some days or weeks to get over the lost. Maybe it would take months or even years. Maybe it would take eternity. Maybe this wound would never heal. But Michiru would be able to live with the pain in her heart. One day.
But until that day comes we have to help her. To be there for her. And for her children.
Makoto sighed slightly.
But until that day comes I'll protect her. As I had promised. She's all I got. My family.
Kei clenched his fists shortly but opened them again the same quickly.
"I thought we could help you and install the cradle you bought." Kei saw how Makoto's eyes started to shine and how the tender smile grew wider on Michiru's face.
"Hai, I can't wait to see it. Hotaru's cradle was fantastic. Sad that it broke."
"Hai..."
Michiru turned around, put the brush away and cleaned her hands on her dress. She would throw it away afterwards. Haruka had once bought it for her. As a Valentine's present. Now she didn't need it any longer. She simply didn't want it any longer.
"Then let's try to find out how to install it. I am always too clumsy with those things." She smiled and two relieved faces nodded.
"You can't be as clumsy as Usagi."
"Is she really so clumsy as Rei asserts?"
Makoto laughed as she saw Kei's surprised face.
"Even worse. Even worse."
They left the room and soon Michiru could hear them laughing while they opened the package. Makoto tried to help Kei and read the pages that described how to install the cradle properly. It was in Chinese.
What should I do without them?
Again she didn't find an answer. But she was grateful that they were there. Simply there. To help her. To support her. To accept her decision to keep that child. To care for it. As she already did for Hotaru.
Arigato, you two.
Find the places we got hurt.
Determinedly she turned the radio off and followed them.
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Soft wind played with her sweaty hairs. A nice cold breeze in a very hot summer day. There were only some thin clouds on the blue sky. The air seemed to stand and even in the shadows it was very hard. Almost unable to breath. To move. To do anything else than going to the swimming pool and drinking ice tea.
But she didn't want to go to the swimming pool. She didn't want to shock them with her ugly body. So she decided to take a cold bath each evening before she went to bed. To spend the whole night watching TV. Asking herself why she didn't stop this bloody nightmare right now. But deep in her heart she knew why. There was something that needed to be done before she left. Something that was too important for her.
Then I can get my wings.
But she knew that she wouldn't be ready to fly away then. That she would never be ready to become an angel herself. Just as her father had told her fifteen years ago.
I miss you.
Haruka simply went on her knees on the soft grass and was grateful that the huge fir gave her some shadow. She sweat like hell in her jeans and her long shirt, but she didn't dare to wear other clothes. Short clothes. Narrow clothes. That could betray what was wrong with her.
I miss you so much.
Carefully she laid the flowers down on the dry earth. Three roses. White roses. One for each person she lost in her young life. Each person she loved. Each family member.
Tenô.
The name was written in capital letters on the black stone. A grave stone. Only a stone that remembered that they had ever existed. Lived. A long time ago. But still they were present. In the hearts of the people who had loved them. Still loved them. Who would never forget them.
Some other flowers laid on the ground, too. They were fresh.
Was auntie Yuri here? Or did she sent them?
She didn't know. She didn't dare to ask.
Tenô.
She leaned forward and touched the now from the sun heated up stone.
Gendo.
Angela.
Deeply she sighed.
Papa.
Mama.
Her mother's parents came from Germany during the second world war and so she got a strange name. Not a Japanese one. But the most beautiful one Haruka could ever imagine.
Mama and I inherited those blonde hairs.
Her finger tips ran over the engraved names and she closed her eyes.
Gendo.
Angela.
And Shinji.
There was only one picture of the whole family. It showed her mother shortly before the birth. How her father hold her tight and embraced carefully the huge belly.
They smiled so happy on that picture.
Reality destroyed it two weeks later. When Haruka was finally born. Too early. By caesarean. In a dangerous operation. Only she survived. Really survived. Up till now...
I love you.
Tears burned behind her lashes as she leaned against the gravestone. Not caring what people would think if they would pass by. Not caring that her mind got dizzy again. Not caring about the watch that started to beep. To remember her that it was time to take her medicine. Again.
I miss you so much.
She swallowed hard and shook her head.
But I don't want to see you yet. Maybe in fifty years. But not now.
Haruka opened her eyes again and took one of the roses to look thoughtfully at it.
You died just to make me live. I can't throw away your pain, papa. I can't throw away your gift, mama. I can't throw away your sacrifice, Shinji.
She stung herself on the thorns. Silently she watched how the blood ran down her fingers and her arm. Again she started to tremble and cursed herself for her weakness.
I don't want to become an angel, mama. I want to be together with my Michi-chan and my Himme-chan.
Carefully she laid the rose back to the others and two tears escaped her burning eyes.
Nevertheless I'll be with you soon.
She wanted so badly to stay with her own little family, but she knew that she didn't have the power to chance her destiny. The future that stopped only some weeks ago.
Haruka turned her head and looked into the blue sky.
Then there'll be one more angel watching over this world.
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"Where's my little darling?"
The little girl laughed in pleasure as she heard her mommy's teasing voice.
"Hey, where's my little honey?"
Finally she grabbed on the soft cloth and pulled it away from her head. And blinked in the sun shinning from a blue sky above. She could see her mommy's smiling face and laughed even more. The cloth fell unseen in the warm grass around and black hairs swirled around as she shook her head.
"Ah, there's my little darling." Michiru opened her eyes and had to laugh too, as Hotaru crawled over the soft grass over to her. Her white dress was already dirtied but the sea goddess didn't care about it.
"Mommy!" screamed the little girl and deep love laid in her dark eyes. In dark eyes that seemed to be empty just one year ago. In another time. In another life. But now they were shinning. The cheeks were redden and nothing remembered that this little girl had been weak and ill. Very ill. Before Sailor Moon could rescue her.
I am so glad that she's still alive. That she got another chance. That she's now part of my family.
Family...
"Luv ya!" laughed the little girl and spreat her arms wide as her mother took her into her arms and swirled around with her over the meadow. Danced in the summer's sun. A breeze moved through her light blue dress that almost touched her naked feet. "Wanna fly!" Hotaru took her head into her neck and watched the birds flying above. White birds. Doves. "Bids!" she stretched her tiny hands towards the sky and a fascinated expression appeared in her child's face. "Look, mommy. Bids!"
"I know, honey." Michiru squeezed her daughter and followed her look. "Love you, too." The little girl wasn't a year old yet and she only knew a little words. She couldn't walk yet, only with the help of her mommy or her aunts and uncles. But it was every time a wonder when the little girl crawled over the carpet to catch her. To be with her mommy. To be in security. For all times.
I will never ever let anything happen to you, honey.
She swore it the very night Dr. Tomoe died and they decided to take little Hotaru with them. To give her a new home. To raise her. As their child. Michiru knew that she would never break that promise. Whatever happened. Even if it meant to raise the little girl all alone.
"Hide." Giggled Hotaru and pulled some sea green strands over her face. Automatically she cuddled deeper in her mother's embrace. And automatically Michiru hold her daughter tighter.
"Oh, I lost my honey again. Where is my little darling?" teased the sea senshi again and heard Hotaru's happy laughter that filled the air. Just like other laughter.
"You made that cake? No wonder I am feeling so sick now."
"Rei! You're are such a fool!"
"Baka!"
"Jerk!"
"Blonde!"
"Ah!"
Michiru couldn't help but giggled as two girls haunted each other on the meadow. Of course Rei was faster. But Usagi was too clumsy. She felt down and Rei stumbled over her and fell down, too. But Usagi was on her feet again before the young priestess could grab her.
"Michiru, help me! Please. Rei's going mad!" Usagi laughed excited and tried to hide behind Michiru's back. She hold the taller woman's shoulders and turned her around so that Rei stood in front of the sea senshi.
"That's not fair, Usagi. Be a man and step out!"
"I am not a man."
"Oh, I didn't mean..." Rei's expression turned from really angry into suddenly very soft as Hotaru decided that those black hairs were longer and more interesting than her mommy's hairs. She leaned forward and grabbed some black strands.
"Hey, Hotaru-chan." Whispered the young priestess and stroke loving over red cheeks. Hotaru laughed and moved her legs wildly. She stretched her arms and grabbed even more strands.
"May I hold her?" Suddenly the always serious priestess looked like a small child again. She blushed and smiled widely as Michiru nodded and carefully handled her daughter over into another loving embracement.
"She's soooo cute." Declared Usagi and finally left Michiru's back and stepped next to Rei. Two dark eyes looked sparkling at each other.
"I am glad, that you could save her, Odango."
"Hai." Usagi blushed as she heard the seldom compliment and leaned a little bit closer and soon a happy smiling Hotaru hold black and blonde strands in her little fists.
"Do you want anything to eat, too, Michiru? I made enough for all of us." Makoto waved her arm and Michiru had to giggle as she saw the disappointed expression on her brother's face. Kei just wanted to take the sandwich Makoto was now holding up into the air.
"Just go, Michiru. We can handle our little niece, can't we, Hotaru-chan?" whispered Rei and Usagi nodded.
"Okay." Michiru turned around and took a deep breath. It wasn't as hot as yesterday, but it was another nice summer day. A Saturday. And as they had decided, they were now in the big Juban park at the edge of Tokyo. To celebrate Minako's birthday again. In another area. In a quieter one.
The sea senshi sat down on the huge blanket they brought with them. Makoto cared for her food while Kei helped her. Mamoru and Chibiusa were on the blanket, too. They played cards. And on the happy face of the little princess Michiru guessed that Chibiusa was winning.
"Arigato, Mako." Michiru shortly observed her sandwich and decided that she had to eat something. Again she threw up her breakfast in the morning and simply didn't want anything else. But now her stomach told her that she was hungry. And after all, what could she lose?
"It's good."
"Hai, you should eat her chocolate cake." Declared Chibiusa and as she raised her head Michiru could see the brown mouth. "It's delicious." The little princess glanced over to her future mother and the next moment she ran over the grass to join them. To plead that she wanted to hold Hotaru, too. To tease the little girl around. And to search her. The last time Hotaru liked it to pull a thin blanket over her head and to let the other search for her.
She cried the whole last night.
Michiru sighed slightly. Hotaru got another tooth but somehow the sea beauty wasn't sure if that was the only reason for Hotaru crying all night. Suddenly the little girl seemed to be afraid of the dark and Michiru had no idea why.
"Where's your boyfriend?" giggled the sea senshi as Setsuna blushed deeply. The young woman laid next to her on the blanket and enjoyed the sun. The sunglasses laid in her dark green hairs and her brown skin seemed to be darker. She wore a short green jeans and a very narrow dark top and looked cheeky. As cheeky as Michiru had never seen her before.
"Nani?"
"She means your Yaten." Giggled Makoto and had real fun to tease the senshi of time around. "Didn't he want to come, too? I thought you invited him."
"Hai. He'll come around three. He's got something to do." Setsuna opened her eyes a bit and looked at her watch. It was noon. Three more hours. But she was sure that he would come.
"And he's not my boyfriend."
Not yet.
But hopefully soon.
She smiled satisfied with herself and the world and closed her eyes again.
"By the way, when you're asking poor innocent people like me..." Setsuna smiled as she heard Michiru's giggle.
It's good that she's able to forget all this bullshit for some hours. Even if it's only for today. Even if she's sad again this evening. But now she's happy. Guess we have to do such picnics more often.
"... where's our sweetest couple?"
"Ami and Minako are over there at the lake. They wanted to take a bath." Answered Makoto and tried to get the sandwich Kei just stole her. He only put it into his mouth and grinned at her. Mamoru burst out into laughter as he saw Makoto's stunned look. Then he took out his camera and decided that it was time to make some pictures. To fill his photo album. And the ones of his friends.
"Minako's swimming in a lake?" Again Setsuna opened her eyes. "She always says that it's too dirty for her."
"But when Ami is in this water, too..."
Michiru turned her head and looked over to the near water. It sparkled in the sun's light and she believed to see the persons in the flat water. In the shadows of the trees which surrounded the lake.
Haruka never wanted to go into the so called cold water, too.
Michiru's smile broke slightly.
Until I was in the water. Then she simply had no other chance than to follow me. To punish me because of the cheeky things I said to her.
Michiru swallowed hard and suddenly tears burned in her blue eyes.
Mostly she punished me with a loving kiss...
"Beauty?"
She turned around as she heard the concerned voice next to her. Setsuna sat now and her hands hold the sun glasses. Playing with them. Nervously.
"Everything all right." Whispered Michiru and smiled a sad smile as Mamoru simply took a photo.
"Hotaru!" Chibiusa's voice was loud. The next moment a shadow flew into Michiru's wide opened arms and the little girl laughed happily.
"Hell, she's fast! And she only crawls." Chibiusa was breathless as she knelt down on the blanket. "Don't wanna know how fast she'll be when she's able to walk."
"Just as wild as you." Laughed Mamoru and took another picture.
When she walks she'll soon have a little brother or sister.
Michiru swallowed hard and hold her daughter a little bit tighter. Hotaru yawned tired and closed her eyes. Knowing that she was safe in her mother's embracement. Knowing that there was nothing to fear. No nightmares. No pain. No shadows standing around her little bed. Each night.
"Mommy..." It was just a little whisper before the little girl fell asleep.
"Where are Usagi and Rei..." Setsuna's sentence was cut off by a desperate scream. No one could scream like Minako. And no one could transform with so much show as the senshi of love. The coloured light seemed to fill the whole park. Just like another light. A dark one. A black one. A youma's one.
"Shit!" swore Makoto and rose from her sitting position. Setsuna was by her side. Mamoru automatically took Chibiusa and even Rei and Usagi stopped their haunting.
"Take care for Himme-chan." Said Michiru and put the sleeping girl carefully in her brother's arms. "I'll explain it later. Just stay here. Don't move, okay?"
The next moment she was gone and Kei looked really confused and unsure. But he hold his niece tighter. Determined to defend her against all dangers of this world.
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"You tried to drown MY AMI-CHAN!"
Sailor Venus was raging. Her blue eyes sparkled with hate as she threw her heart chain against the youma. It was huge and ugly. It looked like a broken bike. And a little bit like a cactus. There was another shadow. It looked like a mouse. A mouse in a man's seize. But it disappeared as it saw all the other senshi. Michiru blinked but some seconds later she wasn't sure if there had really been a red telephone cabin in the middle of the lake.
It's too hot and I am too tired.
Michiru raised her henshin and whispered her words. She closed her eyes as she transformed. Again she heard the rushes of the sea, felt how her clothes changed. But somehow it was different today.
Because today Sailor Uranus is missing...
The senshi of the sea forced herself to open her eyes again and with two steps she was at Ami's side. The girl didn't manage to transform yet. She hold her henshin tight, but all she could do was to gasp for breath. Her hairs were wet and pasted in her face. A deep red one. One hand laid at her neck and Michiru could see the bruises there. Blue bruises.
"Everything okay?" she whispered and signalled the others that she would take care of Ami. That she didn't want to fight today. Sailor Jupiter understood silently and she haunted together with the other the youma who tried to escape.
"Is Mina-chan okay?" breathed Ami hard and trembled too much to stand up. Her whole world spun around her and again she felt how something grabbed her right leg. Pulled her under the surface. Tried to strangulate her. To kill her. Without letting her a chance.
"Your senshi of love's very angry now, but she's okay I guess." Michiru smiled friendly and saw how Ami blushed even more. But this time because of another reason.
"You know..."
"Hai." Michiru smiled encouraged and helped Ami to stand up. The senshi of water reeled and it took Michiru all her powers to help her over to the beach. To let her sit down on the nice cold ground. The trees around rushed and slight wind played with wet clothes. "I am happy for you."
Just never make the mistakes I did.
"Really?" Ami's blue eyes were full of tears and she wanted to say something more. But she couldn't. Because of the youma who stood suddenly right before them in the flat water. The stings of the cactus were aimed at them and Michiru knew that they both were too weak to defeat him. Automatically Sailor Neptune stepped protectively before the still hard gasping water senshi and spreat her arms.
Get away. Think of your child!
But she didn't move.
Just one sting and all this shit will be over.
Tightly she hold the henshin in her hands. Prepared to shout her magic spell. Even if it would tore her apart.
You're too weak! You threw up your food again! You didn't sleep the whole last night!
Neptune's blue eyes sparkled as the youma raised what seemed to be its arms.
You're pregnant! Hell, think of your child! Think of yourself!
At that moment the stings flew towards her.
"Deep..."
But before she could shout out her spell a planet hit the stings. The youma stumbled back some steps and howled in anger.
Nani?
Another planet followed. It was tiny, but it still had enough powers to hold the youma back. Until the others would come. Until Sailor Moon would be there to free the youma with her special henshin.
A golden planet?
Neptune frowned. She had seen a similar planet. For many times in her life. But it had been bigger. More powerful. Faster. Slowly she turned her head and stared in disbelieve at the shadow standing next to a huge tree. Holding a golden henshin tight in her hands. A leather jacket covered the sailor fuku and all the sea goddess could see where the rims of the skirt. A skirt the shadow never accepted. Because it had been too short.
Haruka?
Michiru frowned again as the shadow stepped nearer to them. Blonde strands fell in a pale face and the green eyes seemed to a shade darker than normal.
Didn't she sleep?
"Are you okay?" asked Sailor Uranus in her typical low voice. But it sounded strange in Neptune's ears. Too silent. Too shaky.
What the hell...
"Hai..." whispered Ami still gasping for breath. She looked the same shocked as Neptune.
Go!
Uranus sighed slightly.
Go, it's better this way.
But she simply couldn't turn around. All she could do was to watch the sea goddess. Her Michi-chan. How she stood in the flat water. Protectively before the water senshi. To help her friends. Deep blue eyes Haruka loved so much sparkled. But she looked smaller than normal. Suddenly the sea green haired girl looked fragile. Maybe she didn't notice it, but her whole body trembled. And she was as pale as Haruka.
"There's the youma!" screamed Sailor Mars and almost crushed into Sailor Uranus who would have fell down if Sailor Jupiter wouldn't have hold her.
"Let's kill him!" screamed Sailor Venus, but her future queen only waved her special henshin and shouted out her special spell. To free the poor creature, not to kill her.
I am too weak for this damn game.
Uranus sighed and put her henshin away. Not knowing why she kept it. Not knowing why she reacted when she heard the well known amazon scream of Minako. Not knowing why she actually transformed and threw her planet when she saw her lover in danger.
She used to me my lover. Now she's...
Haruka gulped as she felt how her clothes changed again. Now she was wearing her dark pants again and her white shirt. Under her leather jacket that should hide her ugly body.
Better I'll go.
The youma was defeated and there was nothing left. She felt how Sailor Jupiter tried to hold her back and shortly she looked into concerned brown eyes. But she freed herself and slowly walked over to the meadow. To cross it. To ignore the little girl sleeping tight in a stranger's embracement.
Who's that guy?
But she didn't dare to ask.
Is that Yaten, Setsuna's new boyfriend?
Because she didn't belong to that team any longer.
"Don't you dare to walk away like that!" The voice was quiet. Dangerously quiet. But at the same time very loudly in the strange silence that evolved suddenly. No one dared to talk nor to move. The whole sailor team stood at the small lake and watched the senshi of wind with big eyes. Only Mamoru stepped over to his girlfriend and hold her tight. To show her that this wasn't her business. That she couldn't help with her supernatural powers. That this was only Haruka's and Michiru's business.
"I thought you're fed up with that Sailor thing! So why are you here now!" Neptune grabbed Haruka's sleeve hard and swirled her around. Her blue eyes were full of hate and Haruka swallowed hard.
Don't let other suffer!
"What did you loose here? I thought you made your silly point clear, you bitch!" Tears burned in Neptune's eyes and again she saw how Haruka kissed the red haired girl. With passion. With lust. Maybe not with love, but did that matter?
She kissed me all those years, too. Without love. Without any regrets...
Don't let HER suffer!
Haruka clenched her fists but she knew that she wasn't allowed to embrace her Michi-chan. To ask for forgiveness. To explain her everything.
What do you want to explain? That you're slowly dying? That everything will be over in a week?
Haruka slightly shook her head.
No, when she gets to know about it, it won't be over in a week. Then it'll be over in six months. Or one year. Or even three years? Or five years? Just like my mother?
The blonde looked at Michiru's pale face, saw the tears running over burning cheeks.
Do you really want her to suffer all this time? To let her stay at your bed all those years? Seeing you slowly dying? Bit by bit with every day that will pass by? Do you really want her to see you all this time being connected to different machines? Machines that keep you alive? Alive in an already dead body?
Haruka took two steps back and wanted to turn around. To go away. Simply go away.
Hotaru needs a real daddy. Just like Michi-chan needs a real lover. A human living. Not just a ghost. An angel who's almost in heaven...
"Say a word! Or did you loose your voice?" Michiru's voice was loud and raging. Haruka could see how the young man rose from the blanket. With Hotaru in his arms. The girl slept deep and tight. There was a smile on her tiny face.
Himme-chan.
"Leave me in peace..." whispered the fast senshi and put her hands into her pockets. The next moment she stumbled back some steps. Her right cheek burned. Where Michiru had just slapped her. With all her desperate powers. More and more tears ran down her cheeks and a desperate sob escaped her throat.
She's not interested in me any longer. Nor in Himme-chan. Nor would she be interested in the little child...
"Hope you're happy with your whore!" she screamed. Then she simply turned around and ran. Not caring which direction she ran. She only wanted to escape. Only wanted to get away from this place. From a life that wasn't hers any longer. From a nightmare she would never ever awake again.
"Michiru!" she heard the shock in her brother's voice.
"Michiru!" she heard the concern in Makoto's voice.
"WATCH OUT!" Usagi cried, but she knew that she wasn't fast enough.
I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!
But the same time Michiru knew that she still loved Haruka. That she would always love her. Alike how much this love would cost her.
Her henshin fell on the ground and she felt the summer dress again around her shaking body. Knowing that it would be too tight in one or two months. When there would be the first signs of the child she carried. All alone...
No...
She felt the asphalt under her naked feet. It burned, but she didn't care. She didn't care the other one's shouting. She simply didn't see anything else than the red haired bitch kissing her Ruka.
A horn honked wildly. It annoyed her.
She stopped her race and as she looked up she saw the truck coming towards her. Very fast.
"EARTH SHAKING!"
The planet was huge. Haruka felt how it took away all her powers and she voluntarily gave it away. She didn't even care that she wasn't transformed. That she didn't hold her henshin. That she threw the planet with her bare hands.
It flew towards the truck and it lingered. But still it was too fast. Still it couldn't stop before the young woman in a lovely summer dress. A young woman who stared at it with big eyes. A young woman who didn't seem to be able to move any longer.
"Earth shaking!"
Haruka gasped hard for breath and the pain flashing through her body seemed to torn her apart. But she bit hard on her lower lip and the smaller planet hit her Michi-chan. Carried her away. Over to the other pavement. Some seconds later the truck drove over the asphalt and came with screaming brakes to a halt.
"Shit!" swore Haruka and ignored the pain in her body. She only ran over the soft grass, over the hot asphalt. Jumped over the stones and the packages the truck lost. The planet destroyed his trailer. With it a stop would have been impossible.
"Shit!" She went on her knees and took an unconscious Michiru in her trembling arms. Her pale face was dirty and blood ran down her temples.
"Michi-chan..." whispered Haruka and swallowed hard. "Please, open your eyes!" But the young woman didn't move at all. She laid in her arms. Motionless. Lifeless.
"No..."
It's all my fault!
"Haruka?" Makoto stood next to her and looked with big brown eyes at the unconscious senshi. At tears burning in dark green eyes.
"Hell, what are you standing there? Call an ambulance!" screamed Haruka and automatically hold her Michi-chan a little bit tighter. "Are you deaf!"
Makoto blinked, then she ran away.
"And hurry up!"
Haruka lowered her head again and rocked her unconscious Michi-chan softly. Not caring that the rest of the sailor team looked very shocked. Not caring that Mamoru argued loudly with the truck driver. Not caring that a strange guy tried in vain to calm down a screaming baby.
It's all my fault.
I didn't want to let her suffer!
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It's all my fault!
She sat there. Next to a small bed. In a small room. There were noises around her. But she didn't notice them. Nor did she notice the doctor coming through the wide opened door. Some nurses followed him.
All she saw was the fragile young woman in the bed. Her face was pale, the sea green curls mat.
I love you.
Haruka swallowed hard and some tears ran over her cheeks.
I don't want to let you suffer, Michi-chan.
She took a deep breath and automatically hold the cold, lifeless hand tighter in her own ones.
I never wanted to hurt you, don't ya know?
"And you're the sister?" said the doctor and stepped next to the bed. Haruka didn't look up. Didn't react. Didn't answer his question. So that he suspected that she was it. Didn't she yell at the doctors in the ambulance that she was family? That she wanted to come with them?
"Don't worry, I am sure that she'll be okay." He smiled at her, then he started to control his new patient.
It's all my fault!
Haruka sighed deeply. Then she raised her head as she heard a well known screaming. Of a little child. A little girl. Slowly she rose from her chair to go over to the door.
"How is she feeling, doctor?" A shadow ran to the bed and almost crashed into her. But neither he nor she did notice it.
Himme-chan?
Haruka stepped out to the corridor and saw the little girl sitting in her sport pram. Her summer dress was dirtied and her face dark red. Tears burned in her eyes and her little fists were clenched. Dark eyes looked angrily. That no one was around. That no one cared for her. That her parents weren't there.
Go! Go now!
But Haruka knew she couldn't.
Don't let her suffer!
Hai, I won't let you suffer, little one.
"Hey, darling, What's up?" she whispered and went in her knees before the pram. Hotaru blinked. And blinked again. And stopped to scream. To cry. Then she stretched her tiny arms towards the blonde and laughed through her tears.
"Daddy!" she babbled and tiny hands grabbed the white shirt. To never let it go again.
"Are you lonesome?" whispered Haruka and her voice broke. With trembling hands she put the little girl out of the pram and held her tight. Rocked her gently. Felt again her little devil in her shaking arms.
"Daddy..."
Hotaru leaned her head against her shoulder and laughed happily.
I love you, honey. I love you so much.
Haruka closed her eyes and hold her daughter tighter.
I don't want to let you go, don't ya know?
One look in dark eyes told her that the little girl knew. That she knew her love. For all times.
"Hush, honey. Everything's fine." Sobbed the blonde and raised again. To walk a little bit over the corridor and back. Hoping that she would have some more moments with her daughter. Before she would be forced again to leave her. To go away. Into her empty apartment. To face her bloody life again. All alone. Knowing that there was no chance for her to be a daddy.
She needs someone to play with her. Football or whatever she will like. She needs someone who tells her how to drive a bike. She needs someone who will hold her tight and comfort her whenever she's sad.
Haruka wanted so badly to be that person. But she knew she would never.
She needs a real daddy. Not me. Not someone who lays helpless in a bed. In coma. She mustn't experience the same bloody hell I went through when my mother finally died and my father followed her.
Haruka rocked Hotaru. Not knowing who comforted whom.
She deserves better.
The tall blonde turned around and slowly walked back to the sport pram. Hotaru in her arms yawned. Haruka swallowed hard as she saw two new teeth. Sparkling. Then the little girl closed her eyes and was fast asleep. In a loving embracement she knew too well.
It's the only acceptable decision I could make.
"And, how is she feeling, doctor?" asked the young man and took the cold hand Haruka had just hold some minutes ago. "How's my princess feeling?" There was real concern in his low voice.
My princess?
Haruka stopped next to the door and frowned.
"And who are you, young man?"
"I am Kei." Answered the guy simply and he didn't look very impatient with the doctor. But the old man only smiled and looked very understanding. He was used to concerned relatives.
"And you are her boyfriend, aren't you?" he asked, because he couldn't see any similes in the pale face. The young man didn't answer. Instead he asked more and more questions.
Her boyfriend?
Haruka frowned and saw again how the young man had held Hotaru tight. So carefully tight. How he sat on the same blanket. Together with the sailor team. How he had seen them transform, but didn't seem to be surprised.
Sets would never tell her boyfriend that she's the senshi of time.
But Michiru would...
Her boyfriend?
Haruka swallowed hard as she saw the love in dark eyes. How the young man asked more and more questions while the doctor looked into Michiru's eyes, controlled her pulse and her heart beat.
Her boyfriend?
"She's okay. A truck almost crashed into her you said? Then she's lucky. Very lucky." Declared the doctor and smiled friendly. He was always happy when he had good news.
"And the baby?"
Baby?
Haruka looked at sleeping Hotaru and automatically hold her tighter.
Baby?
"She's pregnant?" the doctor sounded surprised, then he nodded. "Then I'll better call my colleague. She's..."
Pregnant?
The whole world spun around Haruka and she stumbled some steps back.
"Hai, she's now in the tenth or eleventh week." Kei's voice was full of pride.
"Then you're surely a happy daddy." The doctor laughed, then he walked out the door to call his colleague. But he was sure that the baby was okay. The young woman looked a little bit thin for her seize but nevertheless she was healthy. And strong.
Maybe she threw up her breakfast a way too much.
The doctor smiled. Still remembering how his wife was pregnant with his first son. So he didn't see the pale young woman leaning against the corridor's wall. Staring at the opened door with dark green eyes. Wide opened. With a terrified expression in them.
Michi-chan's pregnant?
Again she looked at Hotaru and swallowed hard.
From that guy? From that Kei?
"Daddy..." babbled Hotaru in her sleep and grabbed tighter on the white shirt. To hold her tight.
No, I am not your daddy.
Haruka walked over to the sport pram and her whole body trembled. There was a gulp in her throat and she only wanted to run away. To escape this hell. As fast as the wind.
Kei's now your daddy, little one.
Carefully she put the sleeping girl in her sport pram and covered her little body with a soft blanket. Without thinking she leaned forward and gave her a soft kiss on both cheeks.
But I'll always love you. No matter what will happen, Himme-chan. I'll always watch over you.
Then she turned around to go. Somehow she would make it to the subway. To get into her small apartment. To make a short phone call. Then to take her medicine and to lay down on her small couch. And to pray that someone would saviour her. And let her finally die.
She winced slightly as she stood suddenly before Kei. His dark eyes sparkled with the same hate she had seen just an hour ago in deep blue eyes. His fists were clenched.
"So you're Haruka? You're the one who broke my princess's heart?" He whispered with a dangerously quiet voice. "Step away from Himme-chan!"
His princess?
Himme-chan?
Haruka smiled and suddenly had the desire to laugh. She felt dizzy and asked herself if she'd drunken a whiskey. It all seemed to be so funny with a sudden. So desperately funny.
Maybe it's better this way.
"Why?"
She didn't hear his silent question. Nor did she see the pain in his eyes.
He could give Michi-chan what I never could.
Haruka simply turned around and left the corridor. Left her Michi-chan. And her Himme-chan. Left them all behind while she stepped outside in the bright sunlight.
Hope you'll be able to make her happy.
Tears burned in her eyes, but she wasn't willing to let them fall. Not now. Not later. Maybe never.
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"May I join you?"
Haruka looked up from her shoes and stared into brown eyes.
Nani?
Makoto smiled friendly and sat down next to her in the subway. She was holding a huge basket and Haruka looked around. But there were no other senshi around. Makoto seemed to be alone.
"And how is Michiru feeling?" Makoto was still smiling and Haruka wondered why she didn't shout at her. Why she didn't slap her. Why she didn't simply turn away from her.
I was the one leaving Michi-chan. Makoto should be angry about me.
But somehow the girl didn't seem to.
"The doctor said fine." Answered Haruka and looked at her watch. Still half an hour time before she had to take her medicine.
Does Mako know that Michi-chan's pregnant?
But somehow she didn't dare to ask.
"Join me? In what?" The tall blonde remembered the questions. But still she couldn't look at the thunder senshi. All she could do was to stare at the window opposite. Seeing the tunnel behind it. Black and threatening.
"In going home."
"This direction?"
"My old flat burned and so I live now somewhere else."
Makoto smiled and hold the basket a little bit tighter.
"I still have some sandwiches. Do you want one? Usagi was very hungry, but Ami and Minako didn't want a lot and so there's a lot left."
Sandwiches?
Haruka felt how her body started again to ache and she only shook her head. Blonde strands fell into her burning eyes and suddenly she felt very exhausted. So she closed them.
"Your flat burned?" she asked with a very silent voice.
"Hai, but don't worry. The others already help me to buy the things I couldn't save." The brown haired girl giggled. "You should see Usagi in a boutique! With Rei around haunting her. It's worth all those bloody dressing and searching for the right seize." Makoto shrugged her shoulders. "And Ami's happy that I could save my school books. Imagine, Haruka, I had only one minute to take anything to save it. And all I fetched was my photo album and my school bag. Guess I am really crazy."
Haruka sighed slightly and felt how her tiredness tried to control her mind.
Better than thinking.
Pregnant...
"Why don't you shout at me, Mako?" it was nothing but a whisper and Makoto almost missed it. The subway stopped and some people get out and in. It was suddenly very loud but the people calmed down as the subway started again to move. To speed up. To lead them through Tokyo. Underground.
"Why should I, Haruka? You're still my friend. You're both my friends. You and Michiru." Answered Makoto simply and could see the small smile on a too pale face. "That doesn't mean that I accept what you've done to Michiru, but that's not my business. That's only something between you two."
Makoto sighed and leaned back. For a long time silence evolved between them while the thunder senshi watched at the basket. Wondering what she should do with all the sandwiches in them.
"You can't be mean, Haruka. You saved Ami today. And Michiru..."
Still no respond.
Makoto frowned and turned her head. And realized that Haruka fell asleep.
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Cheeseburger.
She unwrapped her lunch and looked sceptically in the hot roll.
That's typically. Only one cucumber piece!
There was loud music playing in the small restaurant and some children ran through the corridor. To haunt each other with plastic guns they got in their children's menu.
Normally she didn't like fast food. But it was, well, it was fast. She didn't have to get angry with her cooker. And it wasn't burned. Very, very slowly she bit into her cheeseburger and chewed carefully. She wasn't hungry but she knew that she had to eat something before she took her medicine. Before she would get up and to go to the appointment she arranged the day before. The last appointment. To sign some important papers.
It's the least I can do for her.
The tall blonde sighed deeply and ketchup covered her finger tips. She frowned a little bit angrily and licked it away.
Why can't they make a meal you can eat without dirtying your clothes?
Michiru had hated that fast food, too. And so they went to the expensive restaurants each time they went out. But today Haruka liked this restaurant. It was small. No one knew her. No one would recognize her. There were no reporter around.
Amazing that they didn't find out that we aren't a couple any longer.
But there had been no race and no concert recently. How should they have found out?
Couple...
She raised her head and stared outside the huge window besides her. Stared through the advertisement pasting on the glass. Seeing people hurrying by. It was Monday. A busy day. For people at work. Some girl in school uniform passed by. They laughed happily. And pointed over to cute boys who pretended not to see them. Although the girls knew they did.
There was a couple walking along the pavement. Wind played with sea green curls and a light red summer dress. A balloon floated high over a sport pram and a little girl laughed happily while she moved her arm and the balloon started to dance.
Nani?
Haruka blinked but the vision didn't go. More ketchup flew over her hands but she didn't realize it as she slowly put the cheeseburger down on the plastic table.
Nani?
Michiru stopped and pointed at something in a huge window. Haruka swallowed hard as she saw that the shop showed baby furniture and baby clothes.
She can't use all of Himme-chan's clothes for the other child. Some of them are simply old and used.
The tall blonde shook her head and had helpless to watch how the black haired guy stepped over to her Michi-chan and stroke through her curls. The young violinist raised her head and smiled at him. Haruka didn't see that the smile was desperate and sad. That tears shimmered in blue eyes.
Michi-chan...
Nausea increased inside Haruka's belly. Just like the pain. She heard her watch beep, but she didn't care about it. The cheeseburger landed somewhere on the table and she knocked over her coke as she rose from the chair. She almost crashed into a small boy who hold up his gun to kill is older brother as she ran out of the restaurant. Her face was white and her thoughts spun around in her mind.
Why are you jealous? That's what you wanted! That she's happy. That she's able to live without you!
Haruka gasped hard for breath and simply ignored how her body refused the fast motions. She stumbled more than once but each time she forced herself to stand up whenever she fell down. She didn't care about the people staring curiously at her. The freak. The dead ill senshi. The nothing.
Why are you jealous? She'll be happy with him. With him and Himme-chan. And her OWN child.
Tears burned in her dark green eyes and she stumbled for a last time. Crashed against a shop window. Knowing that her body gave all she had. That she couldn't escape her life any longer the way she used to do it. Six years ago. Before she got to know her Michi-chan. When nightmares were haunting her down. From the end of the world.
Why are you jealous?
She raised her head and stared at the doll standing in the huge shop window. Slowly she went on her knees on the pavement and gasped hard for breath. Some tears streamed over her pale cheeks, but she didn't see them. All she saw was the white dress. A bride's dress.
I am jealous because I want to be this Kei. I want to be with my Michi-chan the rest of her life. The rest of my life. I want to be Himme-chan's daddy. I want to watch over her. To protect her. To raise her. And I want to be the daddy of Michi-chan's unborn child. I want so badly...
But she knew that her wishes would never be full filled. That her dreams would never become real.
I want so badly to live...
The world turned black and she simply let go.
Some people stopped as she blacked out. But no one hold her when she fell down on the hard underground. No one was there to take care for her.
Ten minutes later the ambulance arrived.
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