That Jagged Little Four-Letter Word

You know I love you, don't you…? You know I'd never… never do anything to hurt you… right?

…

C'mon, please. Just… let me hold you for a minute.

I promise I won't…

This time, I won't…

Susie cringed at the memory running white-hot through her brain. She tried to shut it out, stop the rest of the scene from playing out, but already she could feel those huge arms wrap around her, the stink of alcohol fall over her like a sodden blanket, that heavy head drooping onto her shoulder, its weight oppressively painful. And the sound; Susie could hear it like it was right there, something between a hysterical sob and a vindictive growl.

No mother should ever make that sound towards their daughter.

She couldn't move. She couldn't speak. Anything might set her off. Nothing might set her off. You could never tell what it would be, where the blow would come from, or for what reason it was launched. There never seemed to be any reason, as far as Susie could see. But there must be, because why would it happen, else?

She must have been bad again, somehow. She didn't know how. But she must have been. This wouldn't be happening if she could just be a good girl, do what she was told, stay quiet, stay out of trouble…

'HEY PUNK! STOP WALKING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET! YOU'RE BLOCKING TRAFFIC!'

Susie looked up, hurtled back into the present as a uniformed monster strode up to her, a sharklike grin exposing rows of needlelike teeth at her. A grin which only widened once the policewoman realised just who she had managed to apprehend.

The dragoness's heart sank. Not now. Please, any time but now.

'Well, if it isn't my favourite troublemaker,' said Undyne, her voice low. 'What, you too good for the sidewalk, huh?'

Susie held her hands up in front of her. 'L-look, I don't wanna—'

'Hey, don't talk over me, it's rude! Don't you know that jaywalking's a felony around these parts? I could throw ya in the cells for that! Bet you'd like that, huh punk?'

Susie didn't rightly know if that was true or not – the police chief's hotheadedness and zeal were well known to everyone in Hometown – but her words were cruel barbs that dug into the gaps between her scales, reminding her just how everyone else saw her, and just where she belonged.

Like hell she was gonna cry about this. She wasn't about to give her the satisfaction.

'Dragon got your tongue, huh?' Undyne went on. 'None of your usual insults? Not even a scowl?'

Susie said nothing. There was nothing left to draw from, all her vitality and vitriol had burnt out, and only quiet, heavy ashes were left. If she was gonna be put away, then she'd be put away, and that'd be the end of it. Perhaps that would be for the best. Couldn't hurt anyone else that way, right…?

The police chief's smile thinned, and disappeared entirely. 'Uhh… c'mon, make this a little fun for me, won'tcha? Jeez, just feels like I'm bullying you at this stage.'

Haha. Perhaps the irony should have made Susie chuckle ruefully, or something cool like that. Instead, she just sighed, and her powerful frame hunched in on itself just that little bit further.

'I… I'm sorry,' she said quietly, eyes on the floor. 'I didn't, uh, realise I was… I'll just go back and… yeah.'

Undyne's eyebrow cocked upwards, a soft frown forming upon her normally hard features. She clucked her tongue, put her hands on her hips, and sighed, seeming to realise that there was no glory to be had here now.

'Ah, what the hell, just get along already,' she said. 'Just, uhh, pay more attention next time, huh?'

The dragoness lifted a feeble hand in acknowledgement, and trudged back onto the raised sidewalk. She could still feel those eyes on her, perhaps trying to work out what was going on, why the town tearaway seemed so… torn up.

'Hey, punk.'

Susie glanced over her shoulder.

Undyne glanced away. 'Look, kid, if… uhh. Anything's going on. Like… I dunno. Stuff at home, or… whatever. You can always, just… talk about it with someone. A teacher, or an officer… anyone, really. If you need help. There's people who can… just… think about it, alright?'

The scaled girl nodded, slowly, and then turned away again, drawing her jacket tightly around her to stop the sudden chill.

'Oh, and if you see Dreemurr's kid… say hi to 'em for me, will ya?'

Susie winced, fresh tears springing to her eyes. Somehow, that sentence was the one that hurt most of all.

The alleyway was already occupied when Susie got there. An older girl, no-one she recognised from school. Long, scaled snout plastered thick with ruby red lipstick, lashes tuned up to an impossible degree, looking so heavy it was a wonder she could keep her beady little eyes open, designer clothes that were about half a size too small for her lanky frame. Why the hell was someone made up to such an excessive degree hanging out in a dingy, grimy space like this? And yet somehow, she seemed entirely in keeping with the rows of flower-filled dustbins and the faded, crumbling brickwork. A real alley-gator, some dorky part of her brain thought.

Susie stood there for a moment, one foot in the cool, damp shade of the alleyway, the other already turning to go back into the light. But before she could even think of retreating, she'd been spotted.

'Oh, you're like,' said the older girl, 'that dragon person lil' Krissy's always hanging around with, right? I always see you two like, hanging around together and stuff.'

'Uhh… yeah, I guess,' she responded, turning away and considering whether she could still make a break for it now. She'd just wanted some peace and goddamn quiet, and no-one was ever supposed to come here, so why the hell was SHE here now?

'Lil' Krissy hiding out behind you there?' the alligator continued, cocking her head to try and look behind Susie. 'Don't want to say hi to Bratty, do they?'

'No, they're, uh… they're not there. 's just me.'

Shutupshutupstoptalkingshutup went the voice in her head, as something wound up inside her like a coiled spring. Better to just make her excuses and go.

'Actually, I was just about to…'

'Omigosh, don't tell the lil' weirdo, but it's so CUTE the way they, like, follow you around all the time and stuff! Like they're like, some kind of dog or something.' Then Bratty came closer to Susie, her voice lowering slightly. 'I reckon, like… Krissy like, LIKES you, y'know?'

Yeah. Susie knew. Hard not to get the image out of her head, especially not when someone kept bringing up every five goddamn seconds…

'Yeah, you two'd make the cutest couple, like two weird, nasty lil' lovebirds. Bet you like, write each other poetry and other stuff, don't you?'

The dragoness's cheeks flared royal purple, gigantic teeth gritted into a grimace. 'What're you… no?! Hell we'd do that for, h-huh?'

But Bratty must have thought she was smiling or something, because she smiled right back with an equally-impressive set of teeth herself.

'You totally have, haven't you?!' she squealed, such a strange noise coming out of an alligator-monster's maw. 'As IF! Lil' Krissy's got a girlfriend! So have you two like… y'know…'

The spring wound up in Susie snapped, and she suddenly didn't care how this vapid croc was gonna finish her sentence.

'No, we have NOT, "like", y'know!' she growled, slamming a fist into her open palm, voice rising a mocking octave at the word "like". 'And if you don't shut the hell up about it right NOW, I'll make you cry REAL goddamn crocodile tears!'

Bratty flinched away, her large mouth forming an epic sneer. But Susie could see the fear in her eyes, too, and the sight filled her with a small thrill of that old, reassuring power.

'Oh my GOD, I was like, joking back there, yeah?' she said, almost laughing with how afraid she was. 'Dragon brat's got a nasty lil' temper on her, right? I think you'd better, like, leave now, yeah?'

Susie made a show of thinking about it. Then, with a swish of her hand, she pulled her voluminous hair over her eyes, and gave a dark cackle. The cracking of her knuckles rang out in the tense silence.

'Nah,' she said. 'See, I've decided I rather like this place. So I think YOU'RE the one who's gonna have to make tracks, got it?'

'Oh my GOD, are you, like, threatening me? That's like, so rude. I bet that copy-cat sent you here, didn't she?'

Susie was about to ask who, but then thought better of it. It wasn't important.

'So what if they did? I'm gonna give you till the count of three to leave quietly. It's a very generous offer, I'd really consider it if I were you.'

Bratty's eyes narrowed even further than usual. 'And like, why should I?'

Susie cracked her knuckles again. 'I've got at least five good reasons right here, for starters.'

'As if! God, you're SUCH a brat,' the alligator scowled. 'I'm at least like, ten years older than you or something.'

'Don't care. Gonna start counting now.

'One.

'Two.

'Thr—'

'Fine, have your smelly alleyway, god!' the older girl spat, slinking her way past the dragoness. 'Didn't really like it anyway, like.'

'Then why the hell were you being so stubborn back there?' Susie shot back.

'I dunno, just like… shut up, yeah? God, I have NO idea what lil' Krissy even sees in you. Nasty brat like you shouldn't even have any friends, right?'

'Whatever,' she replied, watching Bratty leave out of the corner of her eye. Then, once she was absolutely sure they were gone, Susie swept her hair back out of her eyes, trudged over to the far wall, and slumped down into a ball, tracking the back of her jacket against the damp brick and streaking red dust and paste all down it.

Oh, she had come SOO close to thumping that bitch back there… she'd really wanted to, her fist ached from how tightly she had balled it together. Would have been so satisfying to have given her an impromptu rhinoplasty… but even if she'd succumbed to the temptation, she doubted she could have really followed through. Something would have stopped her, held her back from slinging even more mud on her name that she already had.

But how dare she talk about Kris… how dare she…! Like she knew! She couldn't possibly – how could ANYBODY else possibly comprehend what had gone on between them?

I need you.

What could she have possibly done differently? How could she have possibly seen this coming?

You said you'd stay.

She'd let them down. They needed her, and she let them down. She didn't deserve someone like them. She didn't deserve friends.

You did this.

Was this really her fault? That glass… if she had just listened to them. If she had just intervened before it could get to this stage… would any of it really have made a difference?

You have to stay.

She'd wanted to. There was nowhere else she would rather have been. But their touch had burned her, reached deep into the darkest, most twisted corners of her mind and called forth all the old pain, all the old confusion, all the old despair. The moment a kind word and a gentle touch would turn into a harsh insult and a stinging punch. The moment an ironclad rule had crystalised in her subconscious – never let them touch you, never show weakness, never let your guard down.

Hit them before they could hit you. Hurt them before they could hurt you.

I wish we'd never met.

And there it was. She'd failed. She let herself get soft, let herself believe that this time, it might just be okay. She'd made herself vulnerable, weak. And weakness never went unpunished. Never.

Never.

Never again.

Susie launched herself onto her feet, slamming her fist into the wall, again and again, screaming through the pain, the scrapes on her scales and the rattling of her bones, watching her impacts wearing a crater into the surface, feeling the old power wash through her, almost comforting in its simplicity.

Break it. Break the wall. Break those ties, those chains, those strings. Break it all. Even if you had to break yourself to do it. Better to break than be broken.

'Um… S-S-Susie…?' a timid voice called out from the alleyway's entrance, the narrow walls carrying the sound over to her.

The dragoness turned, frenzied with pain, raising her callused, splintered fist at the intruder. 'Didn't I tell you to leave me the hell alone…!'

Alphys flinched away at once. 'O… oh, s-sorry, I'm… don't mind me! Just… c-carry on with what you were… um…'

Susie stopped dead, towering over her witless teacher, arm raised to hammer a blow down upon her. The absolute terror in her expression, the silent, piteous pleas not to follow through, struck something inside the dragon girl, and she lowered her fist. Rage's white hot flame was extinguished, to be replaced with bitter shame. She turned away at once, unable to bear the sight a second longer.

'Go away,' she whispered, her voice hoarse. 'Please. Just… leave me alone.'

She'd expected Alphys to flee there and then. But she couldn't hear her footfalls for a short while, and she knew that her teacher was still standing there, composing herself. Why wasn't she running? Why… why was she coming closer?

'W… what happened, Susie?' she asked, reaching up to put a hand on the dragon's quivering shoulder. 'W-why are you…?'

'Why do you care…?' came the sharp response, said more out of reflex than intent.

'S-Susie, o-of course I…' Alphys swallowed, attempting to pull herself together a bit. 'I… I'm not dumb. I know I'm not… great at all this, um… "conflict", lark. I… I know I tend to take the easy way out, and… well, I've made mistakes, before. I've kept making them, my entire career. There were questions I had, questions I was too afraid to ask. I was too afraid of the answers, you see.'

Damn right, Susie thought bitterly to herself. You didn't know a damn thing and you were far happier that way. Because heaven forbid that you should ever have to actually step up, actually do something for once in your craven, miserable little life…!

'I'm sorry, Susie,' Alphys went on, almost as if she had read her student's thoughts. 'I… could see something wasn't right, almost from the start. And I should have said something a long, long time ago. Even if… even if it wouldn't have changed anything in the long run, you'd… at least you'd know someone was… in your corner.

'But… well, I was frightened. Of saying the wrong thing. Wondering that I might've got it wrong, or that I'd offend you. Or that you'd… hate me for… I don't know. I was just… frightened. And because of that…'

'Wouldn'a told you nothin' anyway,' Susie snorted, retreating deeper into the alleyway. 'So it's whatever, right? No need for you to feel bad about that crap.'

'No, that's not… r-regardless of how either of us feels about it… even if I am afraid, and even if you resent me, that shouldn't… that shouldn't get in the way of my job. Or doing the right thing. So, even though it's probably far too late for any of this… if you need to talk about anything at all, I'll listen. And I… I won't judge, or try to give advice, or anything. I'll just… be in your corner. O-okay. Susie?'

She didn't respond for a few moments, digesting this. After a few moments, she turned around, forcing herself to look at her teacher.

'Wh… what brought this on?' she asked her. 'You never… never would have done this before. So… what changed? And why now?'

And Alphys laughed, shrinking back a little bit. 'W-well, funnily enough… it was seeing you supporting Kris, back when they had that… erm… incident.'

The nightmare. God, that had only been a week ago, but it felt like the distant past now. How simple it had seemed then, back when it was just bad dreams and little looks of longing and uncertainty. Little did anyone know how monstrous this would turn.

'What about it?' she asked, trying to sound offhand.

'Well… I was watching over them when it happened. I should have been the one who… but instead, I just… froze. If you hadn't burst in when you did…'

'It weren't nothing. I was just… lookin' out for a friend, that's all.'

'But it was something, don't you see?' said Alphys, suddenly becoming animated, a sparkle in her eyes. 'That moment, seeing you acting that way for someone else… it inspired me, Susie. You didn't hesitate for a second, you just… did what you had to do. And I could see how the two of you… really brought out the best in each other. It was… well, it was really sweet, you know?'

Susie snorted again, turning away to hide the slight flush of her cheeks. 'Uhh, I mean… y-yeah. They're, like, pretty cool, I guess. For a human, I mean.'

'Y… yeah, definitely…! And you… you gotta keep hold of that, okay? Because I can see the good they've brought out in you, and the good you've brought out in them. And I… I want to help you both, too, however I can! Even if that's just… heh, giving you two a quiet space…'

Susie winced. Too late for all that now.

'Yeah, that's… that's great an' all,' she replied. 'But this… ain't somethin' I can just… talk about, y'know? Even if I wanted to…'

'A-a-are you sure, Susie? There's… there's no need to be… i-if you're embarrassed, or…'

'No!' the dragoness roared, winding her arm back to punch at the wall again, and barely stopping herself in time. With an effort, she forced her arm back to her side.

'…no, it's not… I just… what's the use, huh? Kris… everyone hates me. I'm… I'm a fuck up. I fucked up. I've always… I mean, who in their right mind could ever… who could actually…?'

She couldn't finish that sentence, not even in her own head. The word she wanted, that simple, four-letter word, was too painful to even contemplate. It wasn't for her. It never had been for her, but used as a weapon against her. Emotional blackmail, endless guilt-tripping, you better not tell anyone or they'll take you away and you don't want that do you?

If you loved me you wouldn't do that, would you?

You did this. You have to stay.

I need you.

…which of them had said that, again?

Alphys's expression became wretched, and she held out her hand as if to comfort this trembling, bewildered dragon, but something stopped her halfway there. Fear, perhaps? Or a sense that, no matter how much she tried now, it really was too late for both of them?

'S-Susie,' she stammered. 'Th-this might not mean anything much coming from your teacher, b-but… please remember that there are people who do care about you. We don't hate you. We're here to… to help you. And it's… never too late, okay?' And then she stood up a little straighter, adjusted her glasses, and struck a broad a grin as she could manage. 'E-even in your darkest hour… you must always try your best!'

Oh God, was her teacher really quoting a god-damn VIDEO GAME character to her? It almost made her want to wince and laugh at the same time, and even in her pitiful state, she couldn't repress a small smile at the dorkiness of it all. And with nothing more than that, something began to shift inside her, like the first pebble heralding a roaring landslide.

'Y-yeah…' she said, though whether it was because she just wanted her to shut up, or because she was actually starting to come around, she couldn't quite tell. 'I… have a bit of a hard time believin' that… but… but I…'

Ah, crap, here came the waterworks again. Seemed Susie was crying enough the past few hours to make up for all the years she'd bottled it away. But she'd be damned if she was gonna let ALPHYS see… so instead, she lunged forward and… gave her a hug.

'Umm… S-Susie…?!' she said, standing stock still as this gigantic, fearsome teenage girl began blubbering like a baby into her shoulder. 'W-w-when I said h-help, this wasn't… heh, exactly what I had in m-mind…!'

'Thank you,' Susie choked. She wanted to say more, but couldn't get anything else out over her own hysterical sobbing. She didn't think mere words could have such an impact. She didn't think that something so simple as an offer of support could, when given at just the right time, crack into even the hardest of souls. She didn't think she was even capable of being able to understand and appreciate that, and the fact that all of a sudden, she was able… it was almost too much to bear. And if someone like Alphys could conquer her own fears and insecurities to give that support, right when it mattered…

Well… didn't that show that there was hope for Susie, too?

And Alphys said nothing, but just reached up and gently stroked the back of her student's head, waiting patiently for the flood to recede to a trickle, until all there was were a few dry sobs. And very slowly, Susie stood upright, wiping at her eyes with her sleeve, nostrils dripping. With a small smile, Alphys offered up one of her tissues, and the dragon girl took it, blowing her nose with all the force of a dynamite blast.

'Thank you, Susie,' she said. 'That was a… a very brave thing you did there.'

'Huh? No it weren't?' she replied, assuming her usual haughty persona again, acting as if none of that had just happened.

If Alphys seemed put out by that, she didn't show it. 'Okay then. Well, don't forget, okay? If you ever need anything…'

'Yeah, yeah, I'll come to you. Got it.' Just then, a thought occurred to Susie. 'Hey, why're you even here for, anyhow?'

Alphys seemed a little surprised by the question. 'Me? Err… well, there's this… how do I explain? I brought some… no, see, there's this cat, at least I think it's a cat, I've never actually SEEN it, but… a-anyway, I've taken to… leaving it some milk. Just so it doesn't, erm… starve?'

'Huh,' said Susie. 'That's… kinda sweet, actually…'

She looked over at the empty saucer, recalling all the times she had drunk from it, imagining that she'd found some magical replenishing bowl or something. It was a little disappointing, and more than a little embarrassing, to discover the rather mundane truth behind it all.

Yeah. Best not mention that just now.

'Well, they, uh, seem to appreciate it, anyhow,' she finished. 'If the… the empty saucer's anythin' to go by, I mean.'

'Y-you think? Oh, that's a relief! You know, I… I don't feel quite so silly doing this anymore, now you've said that. Thank you, Susie!'

She gave another snort as she let Alphys past to refill the "cat"'s bowl, resisting the temptation to lick her lips. Maybe she'd come by later, once she'd gone. Just, you know, to make sure it was gone when Alphys came back next day.

The water was tranquil, a near-perfect mirror of the surrounding forest and the deepening orange of the evening sky. Susie wondered if she'd be able to see the moon and the stars in that water, once night fell. She'd never bothered to check before. It had never really seemed all that important, before.

Kris wasn't there when she went back to their spot. She wasn't even sure why she'd gone back, it wasn't like she was in any fit state to talk to them. Or them her. Perhaps she just wanted to make sure they were still okay, somehow. They'd probably gone home, anyhow. You always did, eventually, whether you wanted to or not.

She still wasn't quite sure what had happened back there, back in that alleyway with Ms. Alphys. It was as if she'd given a key to Susie, the key to a door that she didn't even know existed, and the small mud-hut she'd spent most of her life dwelling in was actually one tiny part of a grand, stately mansion, an endless procession of richly-furnished rooms, each one containing a brand new feeling she'd never properly known before. Some of those rooms were full of beauty, others held grotesque pain and sadness – some even held both things at the same time - and each and every one of them were endlessly fascinating.

She'd cried another three times. Wept and howled and seethed at absolutely nothing at all. The sight of the lake, its crystal clear waters rippling gently in the autumn breeze, completely broke her. Things that she hadn't ever given a second though to. Moments that she'd utterly dismissed as just another stupid comment, or just another mocking jab at her. There they all were, completely unchanged, except now she could see them with more clarity than she'd ever thought possible. It was like waking from a foggy dream, opening your eyes and seeing the bright, beautiful sunlight for the very first time.

She had gone back over those moments, though it had caused her an almost-unbearable amount of pain and sorrow to do so. She'd been looking for something there. Something she'd never really known and yet almost instinctively longed for. She felt that she'd recognise it when she saw it. She didn't quite know how, but she did.

She had a word for it. But it was still too painful to use, too powerful. She couldn't touch that word just yet – it would cut her to shreds, destroy her utterly.

The images of her mother resurfaced, leering and looming, tears streaking down her blotched, bloated face as she tried to hug her child, to reach out in a desperate bid for connection. Failing, time and time again. Thwarted by the unseen but not unfelt presence of the third person in their relationship, the half-empty glass bottles stacked by the sofa in a perversion of a memorial cairn, poisoning everything its foul stench seeped into…

And for the first time in a long, long time, Susie allowed herself feel something other than blind hatred for that woman. She felt pity, and sadness, and despair… but there was also hope, fragile as a butterfly, quiet and patient and eternal. And Susie knew that she couldn't help her mother – the Angel knew she'd tried, often enough – but perhaps somebody else could, one day. And then, perhaps…

And then there was Kris.

In a way, this was all their fault. They were the one who had accepted her when it seemed no-one else would. They were the first to just treat her as her own person, without trying to change her, or scorn her, or guilt her, or shame her, or get a rise out of her. Whether they realised it or not, they had been the first one to acknowledge the presence of that tightly-locked door in Susie's heart, the one she didn't even know was there herself, and had tried their damndest to open it for her, to make her see just what they could see.

What else could you call that but…?

And of course, she could see it all now. They'd always… liked her, hadn't they? Even when she was making their life miserable all those years before, even when she'd turned her axe against them… they just waited for her to come to them. And she had. Happily. Because they represented something else. Something different. Something good.

And then they found that glass… that goddamn glass had ruined everything.

And she knew she couldn't help them. Not on her own, anyhow. But she… she wasn't on her own anymore, was she?

Even if they never wanted to see her again, even if she was terrified of what might happen… she had to try, didn't she? Because this wasn't just for the human anymore. This was for both of them. If either of them were going to get through the other side of this waking nightmare, she was going to have to step up and face her fears. She had to start trusting other people again. She had to start trusting herself, again.

And so, with nothing else left to lose, Susie began to hatch a plan.

Author's Note:
And here we are with another chapter, dripping with angst and heartbreak and regret. Though this one ends on a slightly hopeful note… perhaps, this time, everything can be resolved? Here's hoping, huh?

Also, while it's well known that Susie's a troublemaker and bully par excellence, I think that there are still people outside of Kris who would like to be able to help and support her. And it's amazing what the kind words of a stranger can do for you sometimes, a light in the darkness to help you find your way in this crazy world. I hope I conveyed something of that this chapter.

On which note, may I say thanks to you all again for continuing to follow this slow-motion car crash of a story! Everyone's comments and support have been a real boost for me these past few months, not just on this story but across my entire back catalogue. It's a big reason why I keep going, long after I probably should have stopped, haha :P So to all the commenters, followers, subscribers and lurkers out there following along, thank you so much, it means the world! I can only hope that you continue to enjoy the tales I write, and maybe even get something interesting or insightful from them too :)

Well, that's it from me. Adios, and see you all for the next one!