A/N: Content warnings for this chapter: attempted corrective rape, slurs, homophobia.
Suyin was just returning from Mr Yao's office, having handed in yesterday's note from Azula. If he'd been surprised at the princess' generosity, he hadn't shown it, and gave her no trouble with her salary. She'd watched as he'd filled out the huipiao for her and promised to send it along to her family as soon as possible. That is, tomorrow morning, first thing. Though it would take a while for it to arrive, already she was feeling better, having done something to help her brother.
Azula, meanwhile, was again occupied in a meeting with the Fire Lord and newly welcomed back prince. She didn't know how long it would take–sometimes these meetings lasted hours, and sometimes all of five minutes–but as she walked the corridors from Mr Yao's office to the throne room, it was clear that the meeting was still ongoing, and the doors were still closed and manned by guards on either side. She'd passed by a few generals and a handful of soldiers in the hallway, and realised that whatever meeting Azula was in must only concern the royal family, and not the entire war council.
Should she stay and wait here, she wondered? She didn't have anything urgent that needed attending. It was already late afternoon and she'd finished up what chores she'd had that needed doing. The rest of her work was intrinsically tied to the princess herself. But before Suyin could even make up her mind about how to proceed, the sound of quick footsteps caught up behind her, and the sudden touch of a hand on her waist made her jerk around–
"You didn't come see me yesterday." Lian accused.
"Oh–" She felt the adrenaline release its hold on her as she realised it was just him. "I'm sorry. I got caught up in something…"
She'd completely forgotten about the promise she'd made him yesterday, to spend time together in the evening. The sudden news of Taio's illness had upset her far past the point of wanting to socialise with anyone. She'd promised, too, that she'd join the maids that night to share the bottle of baijiu she'd brought back as a souvenir, but that had similarly slipped her mind and through her fingers. Even had she remembered, Suyin doubted she would have been in the mood to go, anyway. Briefly, she wondered whether they had opened the bottle without her. That wouldn't be a problem. She probably shouldn't be drinking, anyway.
"You were gone for four months, Suyin," Lian said, with genuine hurt permeating his voice, "Now you're back, but it's like you're not here. Why are you avoiding me?"
She looked up at him with incredulous eyes, "I got back yesterday."
What did he expect of her? That she'd run into his arms and never leave his side? Maybe he'd spent these four months of absence waiting, impatiently, for her to return, but it was fanciful to assume the same of her. Maybe he'd allowed his imagination to run wild and now, faced with reality, her actions felt cold and distant. He was treating her as though– as though she was his already. As though she owed him more than what she was willing to give him.
"Besides," she continued with a frown, before he could interject, "I got some bad news yesterday… I wasn't in any mood to see anyone."
It was incredible how quickly his expression softened. "Oh, no. I'm sorry. What happened?"
"My brother's sick. So I was caught up in that."
"You should have said so earlier."
You could have asked, she thought bitterly, instead of jumping to accusations.
"Is it bad?"
Suyin shrugged. She didn't want to say it out loud. As though if she didn't speak of it, it wouldn't come to any fruition. Logically, she knew that wouldn't change things in the slightest, but the words, choking, stuck in her throat.
"Hey… You can talk to me." He prodded gently, and put a hand on her waist.
Suyin stepped back immediately, acutely aware of the fact that they weren't alone. Although this hallway wasn't bustling with people weaving in and out amongst each other, she wasn't naive enough to think no one might overhear them, that no one might see them. The chance that someone might walk through these halls, or that the door to the throne room would open and out would come the entire royal family – they had no privacy. And Suyin didn't want anyone, general or servant or, most of all, Princess Azula, to see him touch her in such an overly familiar way.
"Don't," she hissed. "Someone might see."
He glanced around as though surprised, as though he were looking around for a ghost she claimed to see. Suyin already knew he'd never cared much for discretion, for considering who might see them behave amicably. As a lieutenant, it didn't matter much how he behaved with servants. It would be Suyin who'd take the fall for any inappropriate behaviour.
Even so, he nodded, "How about we go somewhere to speak privately?"
Maybe that wasn't such a bad idea. At least she wouldn't have to worry about anyone accusing her of impropriety. And maybe it would be good for her to talk about this. To let her emotions out. More problematic was finding a place to do so. There weren't many options in the palace for where they could speak privately; there were guards and soldiers and servants everywhere.
Foolishly, Suyin led him into her own room.
There was no telling when Azula's meeting would finish, but in cases like these, Suyin was excused from waiting on her to walk her back from the throne room. She wasn't planning on speaking with Lian for long; if the princess hadn't returned by that time, maybe she'd go back to waiting for her there.
"Sit down, if you'd like." Suyin offered him her chair.
She only had the one in her room so, having given it to him, she sat down on the edge of her bed. A part of her wondered whether to give him the letters to read, as that would save her the unhappy effort of having to speak about it, but she found that she didn't want them touched by anyone's eyes at all.
So, gradually, she told him about her family. About Taio getting dismissed from the military. About her mother having to stay home to take care of him. About how her sister, only twelve, brought up dropping her education so that she could take up work somewhere. (Suyin was staunchly against that – she'd been fourteen when she'd dropped out of school for the same reason, so perhaps it was hypocritical of her, but she was determined that Jiyun see her education through. She knew her father would have insisted upon it, too.) She told Lian about the illness that took her father's life almost four years ago; the slow wasting of his body until finally he, immunocompromised, succumbed to infection.
At some point, Lian must have gotten up from the chair and moved over, for he was now sitting beside her on the bed, so close that their knees were touching. Suyin couldn't have said when it had happened. He clasped her hand in both of his, warm and comforting, as he listened to her speak. And when her voice shook and her eyes watered, he lent her his shoulder, and she, embarrassed, buried her head against his sleeve. He murmured comforting words and Suyin tried to steady her breathing.
She wondered whether Azula was back yet. She hadn't heard any sign of life from the room next to hers yet.
How long did she stay there, up against him? She didn't know, but after a long while she pulled away and rightened herself. Lian remained by her side. He still held her hand in his.
"Suyin," he said gently, looking directly into her still watery eyes. His voice was soft in the quiet privacy of her room. "Marry me."
The jarring absurdity of his words tore a laugh from Suyin's throat, "Excuse me?"
"I'm serious," he said. "Let's get married. I'll take care of you. And your family. You won't have to worry about the money. You could move back to Cheojin to be with them – I'll pull in a favour and ask to get stationed there, too."
"I don't– don't want your pity, or your charity–"
"It's not charity. I like you, Suyin. I'd made up my mind to marry you long ago. Back when you told me you were leaving. I was going to ask you then, but I wouldn't have wanted to part like that, not knowing how long we'd be apart. But I won't wait any longer. Not when I can help you."
Suyin looked at him in disbelief, rendered dumb. She attempted to pull her hand away, but he held on tight. He was still looking at her so tenderly, so seriously. So many emotions were raging within her. The sudden change of topic, the sudden question, so intimate, so heavy-! Just what was she supposed to think? What was she supposed to say?
"A-Aren't you rushing things too much?"
"Am I?" He leaned in, and Suyin leaned back on instinct. "We've known each other for almost a year. My parents married after just a few months. I know it's sudden, I don't have a ring for you yet, but my feelings aren't rushed at all. And I want a family. I want children. You'll be a wonderful mother."
"I'm seventeen." Suyin said.
She knew some girls got married young, but she still felt like a child. She was still learning about herself. About the future she wanted. And Lian was nine years her senior.
He shook his head, unperturbed, "Doesn't bother me. And you're so mature. It doesn't feel like you're seventeen at all. But we can wait, if you want. Your birthday's soon, isn't it?"
Suyin's head spun. She didn't know what to say. He had a response for everything, it seemed. How was she supposed to turn him down? What could she say? And– oh. It was only then that she realised he'd never asked her to marry him at all – it wasn't a question for her to answer. It was a request. A statement. Something he'd decided upon and was now just informing her of what was going to happen. Vaguely alluding to reasons for this not to work out wasn't enough. She had to tell him straight. She had to, before he decided anything else for her.
"No." Suyin choked out.
"No? I thought it was next month–"
"No," Suyin enunciated, "I won't marry you."
It was his turn to look incredulous. As though he hadn't considered this response at all. His brows furrowed, "What? Why?"
That was something she would not answer. Not truthfully, at least. The why was too precious, too fragile. It was a truth that had to be well protected, kept cradled against her chest where no one could ever see.
"I just– don't want to." She responded lamely.
"We get along so well, though. You don't have to love me, but– don't you like me, at least? I'd treat you well. We'd be happy together."
Suyin hesitated. He wasn't wrong about that. He was sweet and she did like him, as a dear friend. Plenty of marriages were loveless and still worked out just fine– love was far from the most important aspect in a marriage. Her own parents' marriage had been arranged, and it had been happy and fruitful, at least as far as Suyin knew. This really wasn't Lian's fault. And as far as husbands went, he was probably her best option, for at least they were friends. And he was a relatively high ranking officer. His status – and paycheck – would make life comfortable. Would help her family out, while her brother was recovering. Maybe it was stupid to turn him down. Maybe she'd regret this all her life. Even so…
"I don't want to marry at all," Suyin admitted, trying very hard to keep her voice even, "I don't want to have kids. Ever. You've written me into your future without even asking me what I want."
He laughed. "You're young, Suyin. You don't know what you want. You don't know what's best for you."
Her cheeks flared red at his patronisation. It took courage to defend herself, and though she wanted to be brave, her voice shook, ever so slightly, "I know I don't want to marry you."
"I'm doing you a favour. You think you can do better than me? You think anyone else will take an interest in you?" Lian's tone was sweetly venomous, as though he were explaining something very simple to a particularly stupid toddler. His hold on her hand tightened and Suyin flinched. "Don't you want to help your family?"
She ignored the first part of his comment. "I am helping them. I have a job."
"Right. And do you really want to waste the rest of your life away, waiting hand and foot on that spoiled brat?"
It was the first time she'd heard him speak like that about Azula. He'd always been so polite to her, so civil. Friendly, even. At one point, Suyin would have said he was even brotherly towards her. But she supposed most anyone was civil towards the princess. They'd be stupid to say any such thing to her face. But she'd never considered that Lian might have been faking his friendliness. Even so, the words were jarring, and she felt an instinctive, burning urge to defend her.
"I'd rather wait on her than on a husband and children," she rebuked.
Her words hung in the air for a long, uncomfortable moment. The silence was suffocating. Lian's face hardened in understanding.
"Ah. So that's what it is. I've had my suspicions, but I didn't want to believe them."
"What? What are you–"
"You're confused." Lian said. It was only now that he released his iron hold on her hand and placed one hand on her shoulder. The force within the gesture had as much strength in it as in his grip, and all of the sudden, he'd pushed Suyin backwards onto the bed. "Don't worry."
His next words made her blood run cold.
"I'll fix you."
Panic filled Suyin's every cell as she realised what it was he meant to do.
"Get off of me!" She shrieked, thrashing against him, but he was much stronger than she and barely even budged when she thrust her hands against his chest in a feeble attempt to throw him off of her.
She thought of Suki. She'd been so helpless, then. So unprepared. Similarly pinned down, similarly thrashing against a much stronger hold. Which was the greater naivete? Which the greater betrayal? Her eyes again filled with tears. But, even if only marginally, Suyin was stronger now than she'd been then. Better prepared. Still no match for a lieutenant, older and larger than she, but at least she was equipped with some semblance of self-defence that Azula herself had taught her.
With all the fight and strength and adrenaline raging within her, she turned her head to bite the hand pinning her shoulder down, and Lian yelped, withdrawing it on instinct. The surprise gave way to a single moment of reprieve and Suyin took advantage of his distraction to knee him between his legs with all her might. He swore and curled up into himself and Suyin didn't hesitate for a single second – she rolled off of the side of the bed, tumbling unceremoniously to the floor, and she scrambled towards the fireplace, reaching her arm out to grasp the fire iron that was just out of reach, propped up against the fireplace. Her fingers ghosted against the cool metal–
"You dyke bitch!" Lian snarled, and grabbed her by the hair, pulling her back and up and forcing her to her knees – fire iron untouched, still just beyond the reach of her fingertips. Suyin cried out in pain.
"Stop!" She sobbed as he lifted his fist higher, pulling her up by the braid. "Let me go!"
"What is going on?" Azula's harsh voice pierced the chaos. She stood in the now open connecting door, her expression hard like stone, blue fire hovering menacingly in the palm of her hand.
"Princess–" Lian immediately released his grip on Suyin, like a child who'd been caught doing something they knew they shouldn't have been doing, and she collapsed to the ground. "I can explain–"
Suyin, still filled with adrenaline and too busy thinking about self-preservation to have understood that this was over, that Lian would not hurt her in the princess' presence, grabbed the fire iron. She rose to her feet. Raised the rod high up into the air and swung. It made a sickly crack! as she brought it down on the man's head.
Lian slumped to the ground. Suyin stood over him, panting heavily, still gripping the fire iron so tightly in her hands that they shook with effort. He did not get up. He did not stir at all.
"Oh my god." The fire iron fell from her hands and clattered to the floor as the weight of what she'd just done overwhelmed her. She covered her mouth with both hands. "Oh my god. Oh fuck. I killed him. I killed him!"
Azula, a thousand times more collected than she, knelt down by the man while Suyin lamented. Felt for his pulse. She looked up at her, "He's not dead."
"A-are you sure?"
"I'm certain. You didn't kill him."
"But still! I assaulted an officer, I- oh god, that's barely any better! What am I… what am I going to do…" The heavy breathing from exertion morphed into a panicked hyperventilation.
"Calm down. Tell me what happened."
"I didn't mean to! Oh, but no one's going to care about that, I- how could I have done something so stupid! I didn't know what else to do! But I didn't mean to go this far!"
"Settle down, now."
"What am I going to do? This is- this is- I'm completely-"
"Calm yourself, Suyin!"
Azula's sharp comment was just what Suyin needed to anchor herself back into reality. She stopped her babbling. Looked at the princess with wide, tearful eyes, still panting heavily.
"There you go. Deep breaths, now."
Suyin took a deep breath. Focused on the feeling of air expanding her lungs. Slowly, she let it out. Focused only on that for a moment. Each breath came out shaky, a remnant of her crying, but even her tears were starting to dwindle. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve.
"Now, tell me what happened."
Suyin sat down on the edge of her bed. She didn't really want to, not after what had nearly happened here, but she was afraid her knees would give out if she kept standing any longer. She took in a few more shaky breaths, releasing them slowly as she tried to find the words with which to convey all of this to Azula.
"He tried to- to force himself onto me. I fought back. That just made him angrier. I know I- I know I shouldn't have hit him once you came in but I was so scared and I wasn't thinking and I-"
"Shush. It's fine." Azula cut her off before she could go on another long tangent. "Why was he in your room?"
Suyin didn't want to answer. How stupid she'd been, allowing him in! She spoke in a small voice, "He wanted to speak privately with me. So I let him in."
Or rather, she had insisted upon it, not wanting to speak in the hallways. How she regretted it now! He wouldn't have done such a terrible thing with watchful eyes around them, would he?
Azula sighed. "Really, what did you expect? Letting a man into your private chambers?"
"I know it was stupid! I know that! I know that… But he always seemed so nice…" Suyin was on the verge of crying again. She buried her face in her hands, as if she could give herself some privacy that way, some dignity. "He said he liked me. That he wanted to marry me. I turned him down. So he got- he got angry."
She skipped over what it was that had really made him angry. He hadn't accepted her refusal with any grace, anyway, so it wasn't much of a stretch to say that that was the cause. A little lie of omission. And there was no way she would ever admit the truth to anyone, especially the princess. She could only hope that Lian wouldn't try to blab about it– but if he did, maybe, hopefully, no one would believe him.
With her face buried against her hands, she didn't see Azula close the distance between them. Didn't see her sit down beside her. But she felt the movement of the mattress, felt the warmth emanating from her body, not quite touching hers, but almost. Almost.
Her voice was soft when she spoke, "You turned him down?"
Suyin nodded slowly.
"...He called you a dyke."
She drew in a shaky breath. She did not want to talk about this. Not at all. "He said a lot of terrible things."
"What does it mean?"
Even now, she did not raise her head, but kept it hidden as it was. She couldn't look at Azula. It would be terrible, if she knew the truth. If the princess' handmaid was suspected of any deviant thoughts or acts, she'd surely be fired. If not imprisoned. There was no punishment for simply admitting such attraction, only for acting upon it. But she was certain the rules were different when it came to the royal family. Who's to say that an on-looker wouldn't assume the worst, and accuse Suyin of acting perversely while she worked as a handmaid? Azula was the princess. And her work was intrinsically tied to acts considered intimate. Doing her hair, bathing her, dressing her…
"It's an ugly word for a woman who's attracted to women." She mumbled. "And I'm not- I'm not that."
"...I see."
"He just- couldn't imagine why else I'd turn him down, I guess." Suyin continued quickly, "And assumed that was the only way it'd be possible. But I'm not perverse. I'm not. He was just- just pulling at straws. Just wanted to hurt me."
She prayed that Azula believed her lie. The silence between them didn't make her feel any better - it seemed almost doubtful, somehow - but at least the princess didn't press this topic any further. Whether she believed her, or simply didn't want to talk about it anymore, Suyin wasn't sure. Maybe all she'd wanted was a definition after all. But she was grateful, either way, that they didn't speak of it any further.
Azula placed a hand, so gentle in comparison to Lian's, atop of hers, "Are you hurt?"
Suyin sniffled, "What?"
"Did he hurt you, Su?"
Of course he had. Her scalp hurt terribly after he'd grabbed her by the hair like that, and her hands and shoulder ached, but the pain would go away soon. There were no injuries greater than that, nothing that might last. Nothing that needed attending to.
She shook her head, "I'm fine."
Lian was still unconscious. Azula nudged him with her boot. He didn't stir in the slightest; no reaction at all. But now that Suyin was a little calmer, she could see for herself that he was still breathing. His chest still rose and fell. There was no bleeding from his head, either. She saw for herself that she truly hadn't killed him – just knocked him out. A small part of her was disappointed.
"Leave him here for now. I'll have a guard take him away. Is the door locked?"
Suyin shook her head.
"Go lock it."
She did as she was told. Having a task was… rather nice, actually. She could focus on it, short as it was, and it helped ground her in reality. She fumbled through her key ring and found the right one to the hallway door. Locked it. Then, Azula took her by the arm and led her, through the connecting door, to her own bedroom. They locked that door, too, effectively imprisoning Lian in Suyin's room. Azula sat her down on her own grand bed, took her keys, and looked her in the eye.
"Stay here. I'll be right back."
Suyin, complaisant, nodded and watched as the princess left the room. She was still too shocked to do anything of her own accord, so she sat obediently on her bed and waited. Wiped her eyes. Rubbed her shoulder, trying to ease the ache out of it.
She could hear Azula's voice. Although she couldn't make out what she was saying, it was clear that Azula was speaking to someone out in the hallway. Guards, probably. Soon after came the muffled sound of movement from the room next door – her own bedroom. Were they taking Lian away already? She could only assume so. There were no sounds of resistance. He must not have yet regained consciousness.
Not long after that – though Suyin couldn't have said how much time had passed – Azula returned.
"Well then," Azula said. "Don't worry. It's taken care of."
"...What's going to happen to him?"
"Imprisonment," she stated simply. "Assaulting my handmaid is, by association, an assault on me."
A severe punishment for an officer, to be sure. But if Azula was framing it as a personal attack, then it was also far more lenient than it could be. After all, an attack on any member of the royal family was considered treasonous and ended, on many occasions, with execution. Suyin was glad Azula didn't go that far. Though she held no kindness for Lian after what he'd done – or rather, after what he'd meant to do – she wasn't sure she could stomach his death.
"I'll have to pull some strings tomorrow. But I'll make sure he'll be stripped of his rank and locked up. So you don't have to worry about ever seeing him again." Azula sat down beside her on the bed and gave her a long, pointed look, "Nor about any consequences pertaining to what happened here. Do you understand me, Suyin? Not anything."
Her eyes were still moist, and they filled again with tears at the touching show of kindness. At what she was saying between the lines.
"Yes," she whispered, "Yes, I think I do. Thank you…"
Azula looked away awkwardly, and then again back at her, as she again began to weep. As if completely uncertain of how to comfort a crying person. She put a hand on her arm as if in a half-embrace, "There, hush now. Don't cry."
Suyin wiped her eyes again with her sleeve, feeling embarrassed at having come so completely undone in front of the princess once again. She'd been embarrassed enough by yesterday's tears, and now this, on top of everything… She tried to steady her breathing, to calm herself down.
"I'm okay," Suyin assured her. "I'll be okay."
"Right."
They sat together for a long while, not speaking. Suyin calmed. Her shoulders stopped shaking and her breathing came easier. It was only after a while that Azula broke the silence.
"My father has rewarded me and my brother with a week-long vacation," she said, her voice still soft. "We leave in six days for Ember Island. I'm extending the invitation to Mai and Ty Lee. Naturally, I'd take you with us as well."
Was that what today's meeting had been about? Suyin had never been to any of the Fire Nation islands off of the mainland, but of course she was familiar with Ember Island. It was a known utopia with the most beautiful beaches, the finest sand. It was where all the richest members of their society went to vacation. It would be wonderful to visit.
"That's very generous of him. Of you." Suyin managed to say.
"Yes. But, if you'd prefer," Azula continued, "you may take that week off to go visit your family instead."
Suyin's eyes widened. Had she heard right? "Really?"
"Yes. Lo and Li will be there, as will Ty Lee. I can make do without my handmaid for that short, informal while. As long as you are back here the moment I return– I can let you go for that long. Unless you'd rather vacation with us, of course."
When was she last home? It had been so long… Sure, she'd been back once or twice since having moved out to the capital for work, but that was barely anything. No, she hadn't been home in almost three years at this point. One week was barely enough time to make the journey worth it. Cheojin, after all, was a three days' journey from here. She'd have to spend three days travelling there, and three days travelling back, which only left her with one day to spend in her hometown, with her family. One lone day. Hardly worth the effort.
But Suyin hadn't been home in so, so long. And she so desperately wanted to see her brother. She'd probably never get a longer time off than this, anyway. Nor another week off any time soon. So although she yearned to visit Ember Island, and though she loathed to leave the princess alone– Suyin knew what choice she'd make.
"Thank you, princess. Thank you."
"One week, exactly."
"Yes, of course. I'll be back in time. I promise."
"Good."
She'd have to arrange transportation, but there was enough time for all that. Packing wouldn't be difficult. Although it was on short notice, she'd send a letter ahead to let her family know about her imminent arrival as well. That she'd have to do tomorrow, if it was going to arrive before Suyin herself. She wasn't sure she wanted to see Taio so sick, but if – Agni forbid – the illness progressed more and more… she knew she'd regret not seeing him when she had the chance.
"Princess," Suyin murmured in the stillness of the early evening, "You've been so kind to me lately."
Azula raised a brow at her words, "Haven't I always?"
Suyin bit back a chuckle. No, not always. But that's not what she meant, not exactly. She clasped Azula's hand. It was warm, as it always was. A firebender's inherent charm.
"I mean– I've had so much trouble recently. Caused you so much trouble. And you helped me each time. Again and again. I don't think I deserve it. But thank you. I appreciate it more than I could ever express."
Azula looked away for a moment. Suyin could have sworn she saw her cheeks redden.
"You're having a bad spell right now, with circumstances outside of your control," Azula said, and cleared her throat. "But you're the most capable handmaid I've had. It'd be a waste to lose you."
Suyin, still puffy-eyed, beamed. She'd remember those words forever. Though they might not sound like much from another person, Suyin knew just how much they weighed, coming from the princess. She squeezed her hand, gently.
"One more question, Su."
"What is it?"
Azula looked at her with those piercing eyes of hers, but her voice was still soft. "Why did you turn down his proposal?"
Suyin's heart skipped a beat. She mulled over it, for a moment, thinking what to say. That she was too young, maybe. Or that she never wanted children. Or that she simply didn't love him. Any of those would have been a fine answer – all of them, after all, were the truth. Or a part of it, at least. But the more she thought about it, the more she realised that the conversation they'd had earlier gave her courage.
"I think you know why," Suyin said slowly.
"Yes," Azula murmured, "I think I do."