TWO WEEKS LATER

"I wish I could be more help to you than just sit over here on my ass holding the couch down."

Sara paused in the act of setting a mason jar of chopsticks in the center of the dining table to study Gil. It was nearly three weeks since his ordeal in the desert, and he still looked haunted by the event. Dark circles under his eyes gave evidence to his lack of sleep and now that his skin had recovered from the worst sunburn he'd ever had in his life, he looked pale, nearly translucent as he lay propped up on the sofa, Hank curled at his feet. She set the jar of chopsticks down with a loud plunk and crossed the room to stand at the end of the furniture.

"Gil – I can always tell them you aren't up to –"

He shook his head as he slowly sat up, swinging his legs to the floor. "I've kept all of them – except Catherine- away long enough."

She sat next to him, smoothing back the hair at his temple. "Neither of us saw the extra complication of your shoulder surgery – you needed time and space to recover – they understood. I just wish I could have gotten the time off to stay home with you-"

He quirked an eyebrow. "That would have required you to tell Conrad about us."

"Yeah, well, if I wait much longer, our baby is going to spill the beans for me."

Her hand covered her still flat stomach and his larger one covered hers.

"You sure you want to come clean about everything tonight?"

Sara nodded. "We're running out of time, Gil. I'm going to have to tell Ecklie about my pregnancy within the month. I want to tell him that you're the father as well as my husband at the same time – so I don't want our team to be the last ones to know."

He nodded slowly. "I agree – I just –"

"What? What is it?" Sara slipped her hand from beneath his and cupped his face. "You still don't know what you want to do, do you? You don't know if you want to come back to the lab?"

He shivered. "Something happened to me out there in the desert. I don't know if I can explain it to you, Sara. I feel – different."

"About us?"

"No!"

She jumped at the harshness of his tone, and he moved closer to her, lifting his good arm to wrap around her shoulders, pulling her into him. "You and the baby are the only thing that kept me going out there – I knew I had to get back here, to you."

"Then what-"

The doorbell rang, startling Hank awake, and he jumped off the couch, barking madly and running to the door.

"Saved by the bell."

Sara frowned at her husband. "This conversation is not over – to be continued when we're alone."

Greg stared at his wine goblet in suspicion after taking a big swig. "Hey, where's the good stuff, Gris?"

Gil smiled. "Did you forget that you are all due to start work in two hours?"

Sara smothered her laughter as Greg frowned and muttered 'Killjoy' as he swallowed more of the non-alcoholic sparkling cider. She shared a private look with Catherine who toasted her silently, but none of the gentlemen around the table noticed as they were all too busy attacking the Chinese food feast. Gil filled his team in on the details of the unexpected shoulder surgery and the estimated recovery time as they ate

"Three months!" Warrick gasped. "Isn't there a way to cut that down?"

Gil glanced at Sara and slowly shook his head. "Not if I want to get close to full mobility back-"

"Which he does," Sara interrupted. "Look, the simple answer is that with healing time and rehab therapy, Gil won't be cleared for full field status until September."

"And that's if-"

"Gil, wait-"

"Sara, they need to know-"

"What? You haven't decided anything yet!"

Catherine cleared her throat and the couple stopped mid-argument, both of them flushing in embarrassment. "Something you care to share with the group?" the redhead quipped.

Gil motioned for Sara to speak.

"Well – Gil and I – that is – I'm pregnant."

There was a full ten seconds of silence before the room erupted in pandemonium.

Catherine screamed, "I knew it!" as she stood and launched herself at Sara, pulling her to her feet and enveloping her in a bear hug.

"Pay up!" Greg demanded, holding out his hand to Nick and Warrick who were both taking out their wallets in disgust and fishing out twenty-dollar bills.

"Wait – you were betting on whether or not I was pregnant?" Sara demanded, pulling herself free from Catherine's grasp.

"Yeah," Warrick muttered.

Nick groaned. "Rick and I were sure you'd get married first."

"Well then, you can keep your money guys, because Gil and I are married-"

"WHAT!" Nick roared.

"Oh my God!" Catherine cried. "Are you serious, Sara?"

Sara nodded as Warrick ripped the money out of Greg's hand. "I'll take that!"

"Wait – what does this mean?" Nick interrupted. "Does Ecklie know?"

Sara made a face. "Not yet – but if I don't tell him soon, the baby will do it for me."

Catherine turned back to her. "How far along are you?"

"Ten weeks."

"How could you be that far along and not know?" Catherine demanded.

Sara rolled her eyes. "I'd rather not talk about girl stuff in front of the boys – do you mind?"

"All right, let's go in the living room then-" she grabbed Sara's hand and dragged her away from the table.

Sara caught Gil's eye as she passed by, and he winked at her, the simple action easing some of the heaviness in her heart. He hadn't said a word during the revelation of her pregnancy news or their marriage. With every passing day, she was growing more and more concerned with his state of mind and the fact that he seemed to be withdrawing from their family and friends.

She was terrified that one morning she was going to wake up and find him gone. That he would realize that even though he loved her, this life had brought him nothing but pain, and he needed to walk away from it all to find some peace. Gil had always been a loner – someone who kept his thoughts and feelings to himself. When they got together, she had slowly worked on that hard outer shell until he understood that it wasn't so bad to open up and talk to her about what was going on inside his head.

But ever since his ordeal in the desert, she was once again locked out. She had no idea what he was thinking, though she had a pretty good idea that he was scared – but she didn't know why. Natalie had been declared medically unfit to stand trial and had been taken to the state mental hospital – she couldn't hurt them anymore.

Sara was no stranger to trauma, having survived her own childhood, and those demons were still around years later. She knew that Gil's demons were going to be with him for life – and that he needed help to deal with them, just like he had once recommended for her.

The problem was: how was she going to convince Gil to seek professional help?

"You up for another visitor? I know it's been a busy day-"

Gil smiled. "Come on in, Jim. There are leftovers in the fridge."

Jim shook his head as he came inside and shut the door, looking at his friend up and down. "You look like shit."

Gil shrugged his good shoulder.

Jim poured himself a scotch from the mini-bar and sat down across from Gil. "What's going on with you? I talked to Sara – she said you're not sleeping, and you're eating less than she is-"

"That why you're here? To babysit me?"

"You need a sitter?"

"Hell no."

"Then I'm just here to shoot the breeze – haven't seen you since your surgery. How's the shoulder?"

Gil grimaced. "The shooting pain is down to a dull ache most days – unless I forget and move it too much-"

"So don't do that."

He grunted. "Thanks for the advice. How's work?"

"Oh – you know. Criminals are all the same – committing horrible crimes but lucky for us, they don't get any smarter." Jim finished his scotch and set the glass down on the table. "So, Catherine told me your news- congratulations! Husband and father – I'm happy for you."

Gil didn't answer and Jim frowned.

"Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Happy?"

"Of course."

"Well, you don't look it."

Gil sighed. "I just – Jim, let me ask you something. When you got shot in that hotel room last year and almost died – did you ever think about leaving LVPD – taking early retirement and doing – I don't know – something else?"

Jim was silent for a minute or two as he pondered the question. He remembered that time well – hell, he even had a tattoo of the date over the bullet scar! In some ways, that case and this one with Natalie were similar for him and Gil. He had been convinced that Willie Cutler had been innocent for the longest time. The man had pulled the wool over his eyes until it was nearly too late – and an innocent woman as well as himself had almost paid the ultimate price. With Natalie, Gil had become obsessed with the miniature killer case because he knew Ernie wasn't the murderer. In the end, Natalie had become obsessed with him, and Gil had nearly paid the ultimate price for her one-track mind.

"No. I've never wanted to be anything other than a cop – oh, I know there was that brief stint I was your boss in CSI – but in my heart of hearts, I was always LVPD. I know one day, I'll be forced to turn in my gun and badge, but not yet."

"But aren't you – don't you get - well – tired?"

"You mean – am I burnt out?" Jim spoke softly, as if he was afraid of being overheard.

Gil nodded.

"I did get burnt out, once. Long time ago, before I knew you. When my marriage was breaking up and Ellie ran away-"

"But you stuck it out – with the LVPD?"

"It wasn't pretty, Gil. I had a drinking problem – was placed on probation for six months until I could get it figured out, get my life on track – which I did."

"You've never told me about this before."

Jim shrugged. "Not a time in my life I like to think about – but I don't mind talking about it if it helps – you seem to be – are you thinking about leaving the lab?"

"I don't know what I'm thinking."

"Seems like you need something to do."

"Like what? I only have one arm-"

"Now you're just feeling sorry for yourself – the rest of you works just fine – and it's your left arm that's injured – you're right-handed-"

"So?"

"So, your dominant hand is fine – you can still write, can't you? Do some of those bug experiments you love so much – or start writing a book about forensics-"

"With one hand?"

"Do you usually write with two?"

"No, smartass, I was talking about typing-"

"Oh, well, I admit that would be slower but lots of us use the hunt-and-peck method."

Gil grunted. "I guess."

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get off your ass and do something. Cook breakfast for Sara – be a nice surprise when she gets home."

"She'll need it – she's talking to Ecklie about us."

"You sent her to the lions' den alone? Some supportive husband you are!"

"She insisted she could handle it-"

Jim snorted. "And you believed her." He shook his head. "You poor clueless man."

Sara decided to bite the bullet as soon as she arrived at the lab and talk to Ecklie first thing. But when she got to his office, she found the door shut and he was inside on the phone, his hands waving madly in the air as he talked. She pulled a piece of paper off the bulletin board and scribbled a note on it: Ecklie- I need to talk to you tonight. Please come find me ASAP. I will be in the layout room or the garage. Sara Sidle

She read over her words, biting her lip as she wondered if she should add more details but then decided not to since the note was out in the open. Sara tapped on the glass and waited until Ecklie looked at her. She waved the paper in the air and then slid it under the door. He nodded and waved her away; she turned, rolling her eyes as soon as her back was turned.

The team didn't get a new call, so Sara continued to work on her homicide from last night. Two hours later, she was still bent over the table in the layout room when Nick popped his head in.

"Hey, Sara! I could use your help in the garage-"

She straightened and rubbed the small of her back. "With what?"

"The car from my arson just got towed in and I need someone small to look underneath-"

"Someone small?" Sara smirked. "I could scream harassment for that comment, Nicky."

"Aw, come on, you know I don't mean it like that! I can't find Catherine and you are smaller than me!"

"I suppose that is true- for the next few months, anyway," she whispered as she walked down the hall with him.

"Hey, did you talk to Ecklie yet?"

She groaned. "No, he was on the phone when shift started. I slipped a note under his door – which he saw me do – but he hasn't graced me with an audience yet."

Nick snickered. "His highness must be busy tonight."

Sara laughed as she laid down on the low rolling cart and pushed herself under the car that was already jacked up and waiting for her. "What exactly am I looking for, Nick?"

"The fire marshal at the scene told me that the accelerant used was gasoline, so I'm thinking that maybe the gas was drained from the car somehow?"

"And you don't think he or she just used a hose from the gas tank of the car? That would have been easier!"

"I want to cover all the bases – oh, hey Gris! I didn't know you were coming by-"

Suddenly Sara felt herself being violently pulled from underneath the car by her ankles. "What the hell?" she yelled as Gil's face came into view above her. She scrambled to her feet. "What are you doing?"

"What am I – what are you doing, Sara?" Gil was white as a sheet and shaking from head to toe. "Don't you realize that car could have crushed you?"

Sara blinked in astonishment, but then she realized that he was terrified for her safety. He was traumatized by whatever had happened to him in the desert. She took a step towards him, and he swept her to his chest, wrapping one arm around her tight.

"You and the baby could have been killed!"

The sound of a throat being cleared ripped them apart.

"Baby?" Ecklie repeated, his face red with rage. "Sidle, my office now."

"I take it this is what you wanted to talk to me about."

"Yes, it is."

Sara sat across from Ecklie, her back ramrod straight. Gil had attempted to follow her to the office, but Conrad reminded Gil that he was on medical leave and ordered him to go home. Sara nodded at her husband reassuringly and followed after their boss.

Ecklie took a moment to calm down and gather his thoughts. He picked up a pencil and tapped it on the desktop.

"And the baby's father?"

"Grissom."

Ecklie blinked. "So, you were lying to me when you sat in this office a few weeks ago and denied having a relationship with Gil Grissom."

"I didn't lie. I said I'd always had a relationship with Gil."

The pencil snapped in two. "No more games, Ms. Sidle. What exactly is the nature of your relationship with Grissom?"

Sara's mouth felt dry but somehow, she forced the words past her lips. "He's my husband."

Ecklie's eyes narrowed. "If you're trying to protect your jobs by claiming a pretend marriage-"

"It's a matter of public record. Gil and I were married on December 26 at the Excalibur hotel."

"And I can assume that the two of you were involved before your marriage?"

"Yes."

"How long before?"

Sara shook her head. "I don't think that's relevant-"

"Oh, but it is. You see, I'm required to conduct an administrative review into Grissom's conduct. It doesn't matter that you're married – you are still his subordinate, and he is your boss. We have very clear rules about this sort of thing."

"Our cases were never affected by our relationship and Catherine conducted all my evaluations and performance reviews-"

"From the very beginning of the change in your relationship?"

For the first time, Sara fell silent.

"Go home, Ms. Sidle. I'm placing you on paid suspension for one month while I conduct this administrative review into Grissom's professional conduct as well as your own-"

"But-"

"Not another word, Ms. Sidle. Go. Home."

"Son of a bitch!"

Sara slammed the front door and stood on the other side, breathing as hard as if she had just gotten home from her six-mile run. Hank slunk to her side, his head hung low, and she squatted to pet his head.

"Sorry, boy, I didn't mean to scare you. It's not you I'm mad at-"

"I hope it's not me."

Sara looked up to see her husband standing a few feet away, a steaming mug of tea in his hand. "That for me?"

He nodded and she stood, holding out her hand for the mug. She took a small sip and sighed, loving and hating how the hot liquid immediately soothed some of the raging internal fire. "This doesn't get you off the hook, you know."

"I know. Sara – I'm sorry-"

She held up her free hand. "I know, come here and sit with me."

He followed her to the couch and watched as she tucked her long legs underneath her. She looked up when he didn't sit next to her and frowned.

"What is it?"

"I didn't mean to just blurt it out like that – about the baby – but when I got to the lab – and saw your legs sticking out from under the car – I just – I just-" his words trailed off as his breathing became fast and erratic.

"Hey," she whispered soothingly, setting down her mug and standing to wrap him in her arms. "I'm here, I'm right here, babe. Please. Let it out. Let it go."

His body stiffened and then she felt a couple of tears hit her shoulders. The trembling increased until he was shaking uncontrollably and weeping, babbling nonsense words into her shoulders. She rocked him back and forth, making shushing sounds, rubbing hands up and down his back. When the storm passed, she took his good hand in hers and led him without a word up the short flight of stairs to their bedroom.

She helped him lay down and then moved to the bathroom to get a washcloth, getting it wet with cool water.

"Sara?" he croaked.

"I'm here, dear. I didn't leave."

She moved back to the bed, sitting next to him.

"Close your eyes."

He complied and she placed the washcloth over his eyes and throbbing temples.

"Hmm, that feels good."

"I'm glad."

She stretched out alongside him, and he tugged at her hand until she rested her head over his heart.

"Gil?"

"Hmm?"

"These demons of yours aren't just going to go away – I mean – mine didn't. I still have them – I still deal with them – every day. But I got help to do that."

He shoved the washcloth up to look down at her. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying – talking to me isn't enough – I think – you need to talk to someone about what happened to you – a professional."

Gil let the washcloth slip back over his eyes. "Will you come with me?"

She placed a feather-light kiss on his cheek. "Yes."

He sighed deeply and pulled her closer to him.

Sara held her breath, waiting for his answer. It was so long in coming she was afraid he either wasn't going to reply or had fallen asleep. But finally, it came, a one-word response that was so soft, it was like the exhalation of a sigh.

"Okay."