Disclaimer: Nothing in the Harry Potter universe is mine. Everything belongs to the wonderful J.K. Rowling. I only want to play in her playground a little bit.

AN: Who would have thought that the letter to Dumbledore would be this hard to write? I tried not to be too accusing, I don't want to write a Dumbledore bashing story, he will not be the bad guy.

Many thanks to all you reviewed, followed and favoured, you guys are the best. Your comments made me grin happily for hours.

If someone wants to read a letter to a specific character, let me know and I will try to fit it into the story.

This chapter is now beta'ed by the wonderful a-bit-of-madness, many thanks for that.

Have fun reading.

On with the story.

Chapter 5: Sane again?

The first thing which registered in his foggy mind was that he was feeling warm. This revelation seemed to open the path for more. He could feel his body, which felt heavy and itchy, especially around his head. Then the pain surfaced, somewhere centred at his chest, and spread throughout his body. He groaned as a pounding headache split his head nearly in two. Somewhere near him he heard the rustling of clothing. So, he was not alone. What had happened? He tried to remember. He remembered the feeling of fury and anger dominating his thoughts and actions for a long time, his mind so foggy that no other emotion could have pierced through it. Then something about a letter…he couldn't recall what the content of the letter had been…who had send it? Had the letter been cursed? No, he was sure he would have detected a curse. But he felt different, his mind clear and his emotions calmer.

"My Lord?" A cautious voice whispered…who was it?

The splitting headache prevented every attempt to identify the voice, he groaned again.

"Are you in pain, my Lord?" The voice asked. "I have a pain-reliever here, my Lord."

Ah…

Someone carefully lifted his head, he could feel the cold glass of a vial against his lips and then a cold liquid was purred in his mouth. In the moment the portion reached his stomach the pain diminished to a light throb in the background. Sighing silently, he opened his eyes, giving them a few moments to adjust to the light, the he sat up and focused on the two men in his study. Severus and Lucius both kneeled in front of him, head bowed, waiting. He could see the tension from the way they held their bodies, the stiff necks, the carefully controlled breaths. Why were they so tense? They were waiting for something, but what? Puzzled he looked around, his gaze fell on a piece of parchment on the table…something clicked in his mind and a flood of memories crashed into him.

The letter from Potter… the boy a horcrux… the possible consequences of splitting his soul… and then the pain…

The fog in his mind had lifted. As hard as it was to admit, the boy had been right. He had spiralled into insanity… he blanched as he remembered in horrendous details his erratic behaviour since his third, perhaps even second horcrux. And the numbness of his emotions after he created the diary at sixteen, which were now swirling inside him, uncontrollable. Shame and fury at his own stupidity, guilt when he thought about what he had done, but also delight in having his mind and magical power back.

He sneered, he could have done without the emotions coming back to him, so he brought up his Occlumency shields, putting all emotions behind them. Now was not the time to sort them out.

Oh, how stupid he had been, how foolish and arrogant. He would need time to sort his memories and see what he had done. Did he really start a war? Spilling irreplaceable magical blood? How pointless. He couldn't archive anything in this way. Thank Merlin he had his mind back. He sighted, it seemed he owned the Potter boy a depth. Whatever he had done, it had been effective. He tried to remember what Potter had written in the letter… giving him back his soul…

He nearly forgot to breath out of shock. Potter undid his horcruxes, without destroying the soul parts once and for all, and somehow, he had send them to him.

Yes…

He could feel the warm humming of his soul. It felt complete, but one look inside if him showed him that he still was connected to Nagini and Potter. So, he had two Horcruxes left, and they were the smallest pieces, so he had nearly all his soul back.

How had the boy done this?

Sighing, because now was not the moment to unravel this puzzle, he shifted his focus to the buzz of his magic.

Oh…

How didn't he realize how much he had lost…? He couldn't remember when he had felt so alive, so full of magic, swirling under his skin, begging to be used. The feeling of unadulterated power made him dizzy.

What else had changed? He remembered his looks after the resurrection. Had the disfigured snake-like appearance been a consequence of the horcruxes or of the ritual he had used?

Wandless and wordless he tried summoning a hand mirror. He wasn't prepared to feel the pure joy of his freed magic jumping to the task, overwhelming him. Instead of a hand mirror, a large full-body mirror appeared. Dumbfounded he stared. It seemed as he really needed to practice wielding the sheer amount of his magic.

Then he stood, examine his appearance in the mirror. He didn't look like a skeleton anymore, but he was still tall and thin. He lost the snake-like features and the deathly pale colour. He had lips and a nose! Fine, the beginning of a nose, the bridge was visible, and the nostrils were not slit like anymore… and hair, he'd grown hair again! It was only a fuzz of dark brown curls on top of his head, but it would grow further.

He still had deep red eyes, but he rather liked the darker tones of red in his iris.

He nearly looked like an older version of Tom Riddle again, the boy he once was. Even if he didn't like the name, he would enjoy looking handsome and charming again.

Carefully he touched his skin. It felt cold and dry, a little like snakeskin.

He would have to talk with Severus if there was a possibility to find a portion to give him back his complete nose and normal skin. Perhaps Pettigrew had butchered the portion at the resurrection ritual. He vanished the mirror and looked at the two, still kneeling men.

"Rise."

He scrutinized them as they stood. What had brought them to him? He hadn't summoned them through the dark mark, and he was sure that he had ordered to be left alone.

He could practically fell the nervousness coming from Lucius and Severus, even if their mask were very firmly in place, showing nothing on the surface. Neither had spoken a word or met his eyes. Narrowing his eyes, he looked through everything what had happened since yesterday, everything came back to the letter. Then realization hit him.

"Do I guess correctly that someone of you got a letter from the Potter boy, which contained critical information, leading you both to seek me out?" He calmly stated.

He caught a flicker of surprise and something more, deep and complex, in Severus eyes, one day ago he would never had caught, let alone recognized it.

"Yes, my Lord."

He sat himself in one of the armchairs and indicate to them to sit across from him. Leaning back, crossing one leg over the other

"In the early mornings I also got a letter from the boy. The content was… interesting. So, speak, what are the reasons for your visit. What did Potter tell you?" His dark red eyes stared into the black ones of Severus.

Severus composed himself and brought up his mental shields. It would be stupid to lay all the cards on the table. So far, the Dark Lord seemed to be calmer and saner, almost human as he examined himself in the mirror before. But even a sane Dark Lord was still a Dark Lord, and from the story Abraxas had told them, he had been the ultimate Slytherin, brilliant, cunning, resourceful, ambitious and determined. So, he would have to step carefully. As he had been missing most of his soul for the bigger part of his life, there was no possible way to determine at the moment how it had affected him and to be true, they didn't know this man before them. Had there been something of the charming Slytherin in Lord Voldemort? Was something of the insane, megalomaniac tyrant left? What of his homicidal, sadistic nature had come from splitting his soul and what from his own character?

Severus choose his words carefully, explaining in a neutral voice, leaving out the apology and the accusations. "Potter told me about the means you used, my Lord, to ensure your immortality. He explained what Horcruxes are, how they are created and the consequences of the creation of one. He told me that you created your first one with sixteen, and how many in total. He wrote about being an Horcrux himself and that Nagini was the last one you created. Somehow, he found a way to remove the soul pieces from their containers, expect from himself and Nagini, merge them and send them to you." The hope Severus had felt from the moment the Dark Lord had opened his eyes and hadn't immediately crucio'd them, flared up again, as he saw different emotions than anger and fury crossing over the Dark Lords face. First, he had seen fear, as Severus told him his Horcrux were undone, but then hope and delight as the Dark Lord at the thought to have two Horcruxes left, one of those his snake. His Lord never had displayed positive emotion apart from sadistic glee. It was a good sign. "By what means he didn't elaborate in detail, he only hinted that he could tap into the connection between the soul piece in him and the one in your body. He then suggested to seek you out and check if the merging was successful. He assumed that with a nearly whole soul you should have your sanity back, as well as the whole potential of your magic."

"And why would Potter, Dumbledore's golden boy, send you this letter? Why not tell Dumbledore?" The Dark Lord interrupted.

"It seems, that Potter is not completely blind to the headmaster's manipulations and he told that he didn't want to be a murderer. And he assumed, that I, as a Dark Wizard myself, would be more inclined to vilify your sanity and not use the obtained information instantly against you, my Lord. He even indicated that your original agenda could be something he would support."

"Sounds like the golden boy is not so golden as Dumbledore portrays. Perhaps he even could be strayed to our side". The Dark Lord mused.

"It sounds more, that Potter wants to be left alone, go neutral or something." Severus suggested.

"This would fit to his statement, that the letter would be the last time I would hear from him. He even said straightforwardly he would not care or interfere with my plans." Here the Dark Lord sounded almost bewildered. "If this is true I wouldn't have a problem with leaving him alone, as long as I'm sure he is safe, especially against Dumbledore. The boy is my Horcrux, and I want my soul piece to be protected." Something which felt strangely like relief bloomed in Severus. If the boy stayed out of the way and neutral and the Dark Lord really left him alone, Severus could uphold his oath to protect him, but could follow his own ambitions and desire as a Dark Wizard. He was not sure if he should tell at this point, that Potter was going to try to destroy the soul piece in himself. He decided against it, at least at this moment. Perhaps they could reason with Potter, it seemed like he wasn't a complete dunderhead, to let it stay where it was. As long as he was a Horcrux, he was valuable and precious to the Dark Lord, giving him protection. He needed to contact Potter in the next days, before he tried to destroy the soul piece in himself.

"It seems like Potter wants to tie up all loose ends. He told me he would give Dumbledore some information. And he hinted he would tell another person, which he didn't name, everything, so that apart from himself there would be one person out there holding the complete knowledge." He elaborated.

The Dark Lord looked pensively had him. He knew why Severus told him this, it was clear in his expression. Even if he would kill Severus and Lucius now, to cover everything up, there was a person out there beside Potter who had all the knowledge. It was quite a daring Slytherin move of the boy. But by now not even Severus was sure if Potter really was purely Gryffindor.

"It seems we have a lot of information to process. We will continue this tomorrow morning, be here after breakfast. You are dismissed." The Dark Lord told them brusquely.

Severus and Lucius stood. The Dark Lord closed his eyes and sank back against the armchair. Severus took a pain-reliever potion from his pocket and put it on the table. He had seen the signs of a headache forming, and a slight shaking of the hands, the previous pain-reliever had stopped working. Then he left and closed the door silently behind him.

Lucius, who hadn't said a word during the whole conversation, waited in the corridor and escorted him to the fireplace open to the floo network.

"Send my regards to Narcissa. I will be here tomorrow morning at seven sharp." Severus stepped into the fireplace and shouted out his destination. The expression he saw in Lucius eyes when he looked at him before he was whisked away, mirrored his own: hope.

He downed the potion immediately after the door closed behind the two wizards. The headache which had been building up during the conversation, subdued. He sighted in relief. It was to much, to much information, to many new, at least for him, emotions. It felt like his mind was an, so far, mostly unused, muscle and as he couldn't use most of it the last decades, he developed something similar to muscle pain.

He needed rest. He took up the letter from Potter, folded it and left his study, making direct line to his bedroom. Removing only his outer cloak, he climbed into the bed, putting the letter on the bedside table. He would sleep, then eat and drink a nice strong coffee and then he would read the letter again. He was sure, after some needed rest, and with his newfound sanity, some things would make more sense. He was asleep the moment he closed his eyes.

At Hogwarts school for Witchcraft and Wizardry Albus Dumbledore walked humming through the old stone corridors. So far, the day at been fairly well, surprisingly the Daily Prophet mentioned him only twice today, and the rest of the day Albus had inspected the school with Minerva, where what needed to be replaced. Now, in the late afternoon, he was on the way to his office, hoping for a nice cup of tea. The gargoyle stepped aside as he approached him, and Dumbledore took the moving staircases to his office. Mentally planning what he had to do the next day, he opened his office door and stepped inside. As he called for a houseelf and ordered some tea, he discovered a letter laying innocently on his desk. He couldn't remember to put it there, so it must have arrived sometime during the day. It was simply addressed to

Professor Albus Dumbledore

In a scrawl vaguely familiar.

Albus set down, frowned and picked it up. There was nothing indicating its sender, absentminded he took his teacup as it arrived and took a sip. He carefully sat the cup down and opened the letter. It was written in the same scrawl as the address, and it didn't take him long to recognized why the handwriting look familiar. Harry had written this letter. Puzzled he began to read, Harry never wrote him personal letters. As he read on, wonder, threat and mostly disbelieve filled him.

Dear Professor Dumbledore

I am sure you are wondering why I am writing to you and I think this will be as hard for you to read as it was hard for me to write.

For the last five years I looked up to you as the powerful, wise and kind wizard you were. I still do, and perhaps I even feel something similar to family love, but especially in a family you shouldn't overlook the mistakes people make. I know that you have to see the bigger picture, that you can't concentrate on every little live out there. But why would you give me the impression you care for me beyond the headmaster and student relationship, but then toss me aside when I would have needed you the most?

You are a great wizard, and especially because of this, your mistakes have far greater consequences, consequences you didn't anticipate. Or perhaps you choose not to see your mistakes.

Yes, you have a war to win and a dark evil wizard to beat, but what you forgot in all your planning and manipulations are the feelings and behaviour of the people you are using like chess pieces. What you seemed to not realize is, that you can't anticipate every move, because you don't know their inner feelings on which they choose to act.

I choose to act.

I came across important information since the start of the summer. Information I know you already knew or at least suspected. But as all the years before you choose not to tell me, even as they concerned me the most. And what were the consequences? Your decision of keeping everything crucial to yourself, and not explaining anything to the people around you, led to the loss of Sirius.

Yes, I am not giving myself the guilt anymore, but I also don't accuse you. You are a great wizard, but you are still human, and humans make mistakes.

And you have to make the hard decisions and think of the bigger picture, the greater good. I know you can't think only with your heart.

I understand, but understanding doesn't mean I have to accept it or forgive…

If you had explained to me, that Voldemort could use the connection between us to spy on me and use me against you, I would have understood why you didn't wanted to see me the last school year. I wouldn't have been feeling alone and abandoned. I would have understood, that the visions Voldemort send me where deliberate and that he tried to set a trap. Sirius could be still alive.

But no, you didn't explain. Leaving me alone with my anger and rage, the terrifying visions and dreams. Instead you send Snape to teach me Occlumency. You gave the teacher who hates me and belittles me on a regular bases free access to my mind. It was torture you send me through, with every lesson I had to attend. And he failed, leaving me with a headache every time and more open for the dreams and visions.

The worst mistake though the last school year was how you let the Ministry into Hogwarts. You are the headmaster, your first priority should be the safety and welfare of your students. But Umbridge had free reign and she abused her power whenever she could. Did you know she used a blood-quill in her detentions? There is more than one student with permanent scars on their hand. You obsessed over Voldemort and lost sight of other important things, like the people you have to lead.

And did you really thought it was a good idea to tell a fifteen-year-old boy, who lost his godfather, the only living adult who had loved him without restrains, not even an hour ago, that the most powerful dark wizard was always after him? That everything that had happened was because he really was the target? That there had been a prophecy around the whole time. And that at the end of the day he either would be dead or a murderer.

And what did you after you told me this particular information? You send me back to the Dursleys, isolating me there. With no one to help me in my grief. Did you even know what happens there behind closed door? I hope not, but fear that you do. You said to me you know that you condemn me for ten dark years when you left me there. You did what was easy not what was right. It was easy leaving me there and never looking back. Again, a mistake which cost me, not you. But, still, I understand why you did it. At that moment you were not a headmaster, you were the leader in a war and you had this baby, destined to end it one and for all. You knew Voldemort would be coming back and that the magic of my mum's sacrifice would be the best chance of survival for me when I had to face him again. But my mum's sacrifice would have lived on in me, even if I had not grown up with my aunt. But you wanted to be sure, and the blood wards you could activate where a perfect bonus. But you could at least have checked on me. As angry and disappointed as I am with you, I know you really thought it would be the best course of actions then.

You are never intentionally cruel. I understand, but I am not sure if I can forgive.

Back to why I wrote this letter. I know that I am a Horcrux, I can only guess when and how you planned to tell me this little detail. And I know that there are more. I know that all Horcruxes must be destroyed before Voldemort can be killed. How did you planned to get rid of the one in me? Manipulating me to walk to Voldemort freely and let him kill me? One live for thousands of others? One live for the greater good? The sick thing is, I would do it, had I not found another way on my own.

That's another mistake you are making constantly. You don't trust anybody. You never asked someone other for help, you just assumed the solution you came up with are the only ones, the best ones.

What would you have done? Send me one a hunt to find the Horcruxes all over Britain? Did you even know what they were? Did you know how to destroy one?

It would have taken a long time, time Voldemort would have used to rage a war.

So, I choose to act… on my own and my solution was swift.

I managed to collect the soul pieces and gave them back to Voldemort. He should be sane again, what he does next doesn't concern me. I think I did my duty to the Wizarding World, and I refuse to do more. Why should I? What did the Wizarding World ever do for me? One moment I am their hero, the next one they scorn me and call me crazy. I will leave the rest to you, headmaster. You are much more suited for leading the people against Voldemort, if he still is a threat. I was merely a pawn and I did my duty and wounded the king.

I don't want to have anything to do with the war and Voldemort anymore. And I am not entirely sure that I will come back to Hogwarts. It was the first real home I had, but the people occupying it are as fickle as the rest of Wizarding Britain.

Please don't come to visit me. You wanted to isolate me, then leave me my isolation.

I still love you like a grandchild, perhaps there lies the reason why your many mistakes which cost me so much, hurt me more than the insults from the population and the broken bones from my uncle. People we love can hurt us the most.

Goodbye

Harry Potter.

Finally, Hedwig reached her destination. It was already dark, but a lot of the building's windows were lit by light. Following her instinct as a post owl, she circled around one part until she found the right window. It was closed, so she landed on the windowsill and tapped at the glass. Silence at the other side. She tapped again and heard footstep approach the window, which was opened. She didn't enter the room but merely presented the letter tied to her leg to the one standing in front of her. Bewildered bright eyes looked at her, while gentle hands removed the letter from her.

"I recognize you, but why would he send a letter to me!"

Hedwig nipped at the finger in front of her gently, hooted, spread her wings and left. Behind her the window was closed. The bright eyes still fixing the letter, filled with astonishment, bafflement and suspicion.

AN: Thanks for reading, please review and let me know what you think.

Many thanks to a-bit-of-madness for helping to improve my grammar and spelling.

First published: 16th of April 2018

Last edited: 29th of October 2018