gilded chapter ten, a gossip girl fanfic

Wow, the feedback I received from this last update was absolutely everything. I was so nervous for the last chapter and I worried readers wouldn't like it or might be bored(since there wasn't a ton of canon-character content) but so far that has been my highest-reviewed chapter yet! So, thank you to everyone who took the time to leave me their thoughts. If I could send every single one of you a handwritten card to show my appreciation, I would. I love this character and write this story because I want to but other people enjoying it (and letting me know they do) makes the entire process so much more rewarding. Reviews might not seem like much but they really do mean a lot to writers. I value anyone that gives this story a chance and reads/keeps up with it, but for those that go that extra mile and take the time to leave me a review - thank you so much. It sounds silly, but hearing your thoughts and opinions on these characters and the plots really does help keep me inspired.

I'm honestly in awe of the number of reviews, follows, and favorites you have all blessed me with over the course of this story so far. This is update is the tenth *official* chapter, and eleventh overall (technically the first chapter was just a prologue) and I really didn't anticipate much traction to the story since 1) GG is a sort of dead fandom and 2) this is an OC-centric story, but you have all left me pleasantly surprised. So, thank you!

Now, having said that, I owe every reader the most genuine of apologies. I haven't updated since July 8th... how did I let that much time pass? I am so sorry everyone and I sincerely hope you guys haven't given up on me or this story in my absence because I truly have such big plans and I really want you all around to watch it play out. There might be times that my updates aren't super consistent or regular but I promise to try my best to not go this long without updating again.

I'm almost ready to wrap this up - bear with me! I have uploaded some new content to the gilded insta page (gilded . ff) and would really love and appreciate it if you guys went to check it out. Mainly, I have a promo video for the next chapter that I'm *super* excited about. I definitely was inspired and tried to pay homage to the classic season one GG episode promos and I'm super proud of how it turned out, so please...please go look! I also posted a snippet of a Nate/Blair video that I hope will help to kind of, humanize Blair some more. I empathize with her character and never would want people to think I'm over-vilifying her to lift my own character up... if that makes sense?

Lastly, a dedication to S ('greyspaces', duh) I never would have gotten the courage to post this story if it weren't for you, let alone made it this far. You are a constant inspiration to me and I have so much love and respect for you and your talent. Thank you for always being my sounding board and biggest hype girl lol. This chapter is dedicated to you (yes, again) and you'll see why.

WARNING:

SEXUAL SITUATIONS, SEMI-GRAPHIC SEX SCENES, VULGAR LANGUAGE, TEENAGE ALCOHOL USE

WARNINGS WILL BE AT THE START OF ALL CHAPTERS.

All rights to 'Gossip Girl'; plots and characters belong to the author Cecily Von Ziegesar as well as TV Producers Josh Schwartz & Stephanie Savage. I only claim ownership of my original characters. And while they are part of the Rockefeller family, and mentions to the families infamy and status will be made, any mentions of them are purely fictional and none of the characters that comprise the family are based on the true-life family.

"Blair liked to think of herself as a hopeless romantic in the style of old movie actresses like Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe. She was always coming up with plot devices for the movie she was starring in at the moment, the movie that was her life."

November 14th (10:30 p.m.)

Blair Waldorf had been obsessed with classic Hollywood cinema since she was a child.

Harold Waldorf had shown her 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' for the first time when she was just five years old and despite not understanding most of the mature themes she was immediately fascinated by Audrey Hepburn's on-screen presence and became swept away by the glamour and romance that was at the forefront of all the great movies of this time.

The content of these movies was, in most cases, far beyond her maturity-level but that never stopped Blair from trying her best to emulate them.

Some of her earliest memories were of her stomping around in Eleanor's oversized heels, long pearls hanging from her neck as she would reenact some of the iconic scenes from Tiffanys, Casablanca, It Happened One Night, and of course, Roman Holiday. Her imagination ran wild and she had a ball escaping to her make-believe worlds. She could play her own leading lady and imagine her handsome leading man so easily and playing pretend became her absolute favorite thing to do.

Once she played out a specific movie too much and found herself growing bored, she'd find yet another new movie to introduce herself too and would be swept away all over again, but as she got older she grew tired of playing pretend. She wanted an actual leading man to take center stage in her life, a la George Peppard or Carey Grant.

And it just so happened that Nate Archibald fit the bill.

Nate had always been a cute kid, but as puberty hit and he grew into a young man he became devastatingly handsome in the exact way that old Hollywood actors were. Blair knew this would be the case and had snagged onto Nate at a fairly young age. He was everything her younger-self had hoped and wished for and she thought for sure her days of playing out movies in her head were far beyond her. She didn't need to pretend, her life was a movie now. She was popular, pretty, rich, and had the most beautiful boy on the Upper East Side to call hers.

Her life had all the trappings to be completely perfect...

But it wasn't.

She was 'popular', but also massively hated by almost every one of her peers. No one would admit to it but she wasn't dumb and she knew they all secretly relished in the thought of taking her down.

By all accounts, Blair was a pretty girl, but growing up slightly chubbier than other girls and with a mother that expected perfection definitely gave her a complex. She was pretty, but she never felt the prettiest.

She had money but so did everyone else around her, and in most regards, they had far more. Howard had a successful law firm in Manhattan, but he shut it all down to move to Paris and open a vineyard with his gay lover. Eleanor made great money with her fashion line and she was growing more success and notoriety every year, but that didn't change the fact that she was new money and their annual income was nothing compared to the decades of old money wealth that surrounded them.

And her charming boyfriend, with near-perfect looks, cheated on her. Constantly.

Blair wasn't completely unaware though, she knew her life wasn't perfect but she refused to let anyone else be privy to that information. She refused to believe she was lesser than anyone else and in doing so had given herself this false-sense of being superior to many. It was a defense mechanism that had become as much a part of who she was as being a lover of classic films.

Most of her friends and family found it completely boring that she only ever watched the same movies on a loop but Blair loved it because they gave her a sense of security that she was otherwise lacking. In movies there was always a clear beginning, middle, and end; if she knew all these points she could never be stressed, or upset or disappointed by how they played out. Unlike her life where she felt incredibly disappointed, if not devastated, by most things currently playing out.

As her life went up in flames around her she craved that amount of predictability more and more.

Before long she was back to behaving like that five-year-old girl, modeling her life after movies and playing them out in her head. Except now there was no separation of her real-life from her make-believe one. Her everyday life was a movie where she controlled the narrative and that made her feel much more at ease because in her movie she was the most beautiful starring-lady, Nate was a loyal leading-man, and everyone loved and worshiped her like Hepburn and Monroe.

But trying to live your real life as an old Hollywood film could really only go so far and in what felt like a blink of an eye her movie had gone from golden age cinema to an XXX film...

The stench of whiskey surrounds her as Chuck mutters expletives under his breath. His head was buried into the nape of her neck and each of his arms were resting firmly on either side of her head. In the passion of it all, some strands of her chestnut hair had come loose from her, formerly, elaborate updo and were now trapped under his elbow. With every thrust into her, his elbow slides, yanking at small pieces of her hair.

Normally this would be a major annoyance to Blair but at this moment she didn't care. The irritation of her scalp was the furthest thing from her mind.

Nate was cheating on her again and had blown off her birthday party. Everyone was gossiping about the state of their relationship and it felt like her life was over as she knew it, but instead of being sad, like all the times before, she was angry and she wanted to get even.

She had been hurt by Nate far too many times and never did anything about it. He hooked up with, not one but, two of her best friends and he had pushed her too far this time. Here's to hoping he'd feel even an inkling of the hurt he brought on her when he found out she did the same with Chuck.

As for Odette... as far as Blair was concerned, she could rot.

But before that, Blair would assure that she understood true heartbreak.

She wasn't sure if Odette loved Chuck, she certainly couldn't in the way that Blair loved Nate, but she definitely had feelings for him. She had admitted as much.

' "I have real feelings for Chuck." '

And that was Odette's mistake because she should know better than to show her weakness and for whatever bizarre reason, Chuck Bass seemed to be hers.

Blair was almost giddy at the thought of seeing her face fall once she heard the news. In fact, she almost wished Nate and Odette could be here right now to witness the tryst for themselves.

To want to see people in pain was obviously terrible but they had made her feel terrible first and now she was out for vengeance and blood and, at the moment, this was the only way she knew how.

As twisted as it was, imagining the hurt behind both of their eyes only turned her on more.

That and Chuck really did know what he was doing.

His reputation typically disgusted Blair but it was clear all that experience had made him incredibly gifted in bed. Minus the hair pulling, everything else felt so...right.

She didn't have much of anything to base it off of, of course, but she knew she had never felt this good.

She and Nate didn't mess around often, mostly due to her own discomfort, but in the times they had she never fully enjoyed it. The way his long fingers fumbled around inside her, hurt, and that alone had made the prospect of having sex intimidating. However, despite being obviously bigger than two fingers, Chuck didn't hurt. In fact, it felt like he filled her up perfectly.

From the getgo, their bodies just seemed to work together in wonderful, sexual, harmony.

Their sexual chemistry was through the roof; a mixture of mutual hate for each other, hate for Nate and Odette, and unadulterated lust.

Despite this being her first sexual encounter, of this caliber, Chuck brought something out of Blair she had never expected.

Confidence.

Being with him, as disturbing as it was, made her feel good. Suddenly she could understand how Chuck got so many women into his bed. His intentions may not always, if ever, be genuine but he had a way of making someone feel...worshiped.

Even after the bulimia had brought her weight down Blair had still never felt fully confident with her body. Now here she was completely naked underneath him, with the lights on, and she really felt she could get drunk - well, drunker, off the feeling of his eyes probing her figure so appreciatively.

She knew he looked at her the same way he had looked at the many before and that nothing about this was loving or sincere on his part but for a little bit she could pretend.

Chuck had no romantic feelings for her but the way he was bedding her felt romantic, at least in her own mind. She was easily mistaking lust for love, but she didn't care.

She had never expected herself to be a sexual being but he definitely made her want to be one. Despite previously finding the concept of oral disgusting she had absolutely no qualms about going down on Chuck and had done exactly that to get all this started in the first place. She didn't necessarily love giving head but she did feel a certain sort of high off knowing she was getting him off.

As she went down on him she did notice he wasn't as well endowed as Nate and that had made her initially nervous, but as they had carried on he had more than proven that with his skill level he didn't need to be.

In the movie that was her life, Blair had always imagined Nate as her leading man but maybe that part could be just as easily filled by Chuck...

It was a bit ridiculous to think but stranger things had happened.

And she would be lying if she didn't say that the prospect of getting bedded this good all the time wasn't tempting.

...in reality, she knew Chuck and her would never happen but being caught up by the extreme feelings of desire had her imagining all types of possibilities for them.

Chuck and Blair holding hands.

Chuck and Blair going to the movies.

Chuck and Blair having sex all the time.

Laying a gentle hand against his bare, slightly sweaty chest, Blair pushes him up. Caught off guard by this sudden movement, he looks at her with confusion in his eyes but before he can say anything she forces him on his back and begins to straddle him. Biting down on her lower lip she lowers herself onto him, knocking her head back as she feels their bodies connect once more.

"Fuck, you feel amazing."

Hearing that only brought her closer to the edge.

All she had been hearing lately was what a prude she was and how vanilla she seemed and despite her best efforts Nate never seemed to want to actually sleep with her, probably because he thought she would be bad at it or boring. Yet here she was, screwing Chuck Bass, making him groan and curse as she rides him to completion and all she wanted to do was yell a huge 'fuck you' to those that had brought her to this point.

The more she thinks about it the more she can feel something within her start to build. The devastation and boiling anger that had been residing in her for so long was being overrun by the excitement of knowing that now she was finally getting back at them all.

Karma was a bitch but Blair Waldorf was a bigger one and they needed to not forget that.

Chuck grips her waist, controlling their movements and allowing their bodies to meet at a more rapid pace. Her lips tremble as her hips begin to buck against him as if to say, 'more, more, more'.

Suddenly, and completely involuntarily, the sensation of a deep vibration rumbles from deep in her core and shoots out across her body; spreading down to every toe and up through every finger. In that moment all of her senses are heightened and a tumultuous moan pours out of her once her body begins to pulsate with him still inside her.

The intensity of it all momentarily takes her breath away.

"What the hell was that?" She pants, unable to make eye contact as she instead looks down in horror to where they're still currently connected. Had she...peed on him? She obviously knew she couldn't have but this particular feeling felt so foreign to her that she wasn't sure what else to assume.

Chuck looks up at her with a devilish smirk, "Well, well, Waldorf... didn't think you had it in you."

She had lost her virginity to Chuck Bass.

Despite previously feeling so empowered Blair could instantly feel her stomach sinking as the shame quickly took over.

What was she thinking?

Chuck was no Peppard or Grant and she deserved better for her first time. Regardless of how good he made her feel he was still a man-whore and she could feel the bile in her throat beginning to rise as she realizes what she's done. Or rather, whom.

Climbing off of him, Blair fumbles to get her bra back in place hoping to get out of this room as quickly as possible before she bursts into giant oscar-worthy tears.

As she works to re-hook the metal latches Chuck waves a hand in front of her face to get her attention, "Look, I'm a gentleman so I always let the women finish first but typically they return the favor?"

"Oh, right." Blair was never one to be so...obliging, but this entire encounter now had her feeling incredibly embarrassed and she really just wanted to get all this over with, "What do you want me to do?"

December

Christmas time in New York was possibly the greatest time to live in the city. Twinkling lights, white-ish snow, and people were genuinely nicer than normal due to the Christmas spirit.

There was only one major event in the city that officially kicked off the Christmas season - the tree lighting at Rockefeller Center.

The tree lighting was an annual tradition that had been going on since the early nineteen-thirties and had stayed a prevalent part of the city culture over the years. The event was so huge and so decadent that once the night passed, planning for the following year started the very next day. The Rockefeller family spent months debating and deciding on the perfect, most robust, tree.

The only specifications were that it had to be a Norway spruce and it had to be huge; sixty-nine to one-hundred feet tall to be exact.

Though it was only a tree, it meant a lot to people - apparently.

Thousands showed up in person and millions watched from home as it was ceremoniously lit year after year. Upwards of one-hundred million came from all over to view the illustrious Christmas tree in the short amount of time it stood proud on display at the plaza between West 48th and 51st Streets and Fifth and Sixth Avenue. For most people, the big event started at 7 and consisted of a holiday-themed concert with various performers and a countdown to the big todo. For those that couldn't make it, the entire festivities were of course broadcasted across every major station. But, those who mattered in New York society secured themselves a golden ticket to David Rockefeller's private banquet on the sixty-fifth floor.

The historic, and the glamorous, rainbow room reeked of wealth and prestige which David loved for the fact he felt it symbolized himself and his family perfectly. Or, at least the image they wanted everyone to perceive of them.

The event space was famous amongst the New York elite and boasted fine dining, exceptional mood lighting, and a rotating dance floor. Only one-hundred and twenty of David's closest friends and colleagues were given invites to the annual party. But he also allotted a fair amount of extra spots for his various family members and their friends and dates.

This was precisely why all of Odette and Coco's friends had scored their own personal invites to the most exclusive event of the holiday season.

Blair looked around the party in discreet awe. She was impressed but was also never one to outright show it.

"Here," Leaning over Blair's left shoulder, Nate sits a plate of food in front of her, "Eat something." his whisper is gentle as he pulls out the chair next to her and takes his place at the round dining table with their friends.

Nate wasn't always very aware of the happenings around him but he had started to notice that lately Blair was looking a bit thinner in the cheeks than usual and would basically only pick at her food from time to time. He had been with her through enough to recognize these signs and it was abundantly clear to him that her disordered eating had returned. He wasn't sure what had brought it back on but he knew from previous experiences that he needed to help her get a hold on the situation sooner, rather than later.

Blair offers Nate a sweet smile but as she looks down at her plate of food she can feel a lump in her throat. She wasn't hungry. Not because she felt she shouldn't be but because she truly wasn't. She was a ball of stress and having to stomach the guilt of her hook up with Chuck had killed her appetite, permanently it seemed. She can feel Nate's eyes on her though, watching her and waiting for her to take a bite. Picking up her fork she stabs an already cut piece of roasted carrot and brings it to her mouth. With every small chew, she can feel the bile in her throat begin to rise.

"Where's Odette? Or Chuck, even?" Serena shifts from searching one side of the room to the other, and back again, as she frantically scans the room.

Bearing the sole weight of knowing what happened between Chuck and Blair had turned Serena into a bundle of nerves. Her loyalty was with Blair, always, but she did feel guilty having to be around Nate and Odette and act like everything was okay. Nate was somewhat more bearable, he hadn't exactly been 'boyfriend of the year' to Blair and so she had a harder time feeling bad for him, but being around Odette was... brutal.

Serena's way of dealing with her problems was to run away and avoid them but she was a different version of herself now and Serena 2.0 didn't do that.

That didn't make any of this any easier though.

In preparation for tonight, she had spent most of the evening going over different conversation scenarios in her head. She wasn't usually one to feel the need to prepare for social interactions but she knew she was extremely facially expressive and she was worried that at any moment Odette might sense that look of pity in her eyes and know something was wrong. So, to avoid that entirely she had scripts, plural, planned out to keep the conversation as far away from the situation as possible. When she talked to Odette tonight, because she would have to at some point, they wouldn't talk about relationships, Blair, Chuck, sex, none of it, and once she got through the small conversation she would thank her for the invite and excuse herself to go meet Dan and his family downstairs at the tree lighting.

'You've got this, Serena.'

A mild shudder runs down her spine as she realizes she is now referring to herself in the third-person.

This whole thing was making her crazy and she couldn't help but curse the fact that she had been the one to catch them.

'Blair had been a complete wreck once Gossip Girl dropped the Nate/Odette bomb. The entire party was buzzing with talks of 'did they or didn't they' and Blair had retreated into the bedroom at the farthest end of the hall to hide from the shame of it all.

Serena didn't immediately take off after her.

She knew Blair too well by this point and knew to give her the space to cool down and collect herself before she even tried to begin comforting her.

To: Dan

From: Serena

Anyway, you can turn back and get me lol?

As she waits for his response she takes a long drag from the cigarette she had bummed off of one of Nate's friends from Regis. Smoking was gross and so not her thing anymore but she desperately needed an excuse to stay outside, relatively alone, so that she wouldn't have to talk to anyone.

All the girls wanted to dissect this most recent scandal and all it did was remind her of her own.

Nate had, supposedly, cheated on Blair once again with one of her best friends and now she needed some support, but how was Serena supposed to comfort Blair when she was guilty of the same betrayal?

There was still so much of her own indiscretion with Nate that she hadn't worked through.

It was strange because since she had returned her and Nate's thing felt so much like ancient history and yet situations like the one tonight quickly reminded her that all that history and those feelings were really just tucked away into a box and shoved into the depths of her subconscious in an attempt to not have to deal with it properly.

This wasn't about her, this was about Blair, but she still couldn't help feeling some type of way about it all.

When she had run away from Manhattan, and all the problems she created within it, she had closed off her heart to all the people she cared about that she was leaving behind. Especially Nate. In all cases, it was in an effort to protect herself but mainly to protect them from further pain caused by her.

'Hurricane Serena' wasn't just some nickname given to her by Gossip Girl once upon a time. She had earned that title due to her distinct ability to blow full force into the path of someone's life and mess everything up completely before moving onward, never caring about the destruction she left in her path. It was never intentional but at the end of the day, it didn't really matter what her intentions were when there were real people getting hurt.

Once Blair officially forgave her for her serious lapse in judgment they hadn't talked about the Nate situation again.

There had been so much Serena wanted to confide in her about, mainly so that she could finally feel freed of the extreme weight that steadily remained on her shoulders and heart. But to share her full truth was only to make herself feel better, it would do nothing for Blair. Besides, Blair never wanted to no the gritty details. It was easier for her to push thoughts of Nate's wrong-doings to the side if she didn't know everything.

Serena often wondered if maybe Blair felt like it wasn't real if she didn't know enough about it, like maybe if she didn't have to see it with her own eyes it was easier to pretend it never happened.

Her imagination could run wild but she could also typically shut those bad thoughts away. The physical proof was harder to block and forget... like a picture, for example.

Serena releases a deep breath that she had subconsciously been holding before tossing her cigarette off the side of the building. She watches as it tumbles down several levels, becoming a faint white spec before completely disappearing against the typical nighttime darkness.

The picture was innocent enough. It wasn't like the gossip girl tipster caught them screwing in an alleyway or anything, they were only hugging, but Gossip Girl also had a special way of adding insult to injury with her venomous words and constantly mocking tone.

Plus, Nate was pretty breathtaking and he alone brought a certain level of sex appeal to almost anything.

Basically, loving Nate Archibald was hardly for the faint of heart.

He was one of the most sought after guys in the entire Upper East Side and it was easy for even the most confident of girls to feel threatened when it came to him, and more importantly, how other girls would look at him - eye-fucking him was probably a better description of that. Point was, girls loved Nate, girls wanted Nate and it would take a lot for anyone to feel completely secure in a relationship with him. This was especially true for Blair who was already so insecure as is.

So as innocent as the hug might have been in nature all that mattered was how it came across to everyone.

Currently, there were several girls at this very party secretly cursing Odette out for seemingly flying under the radar and snatching Nate for herself.

Serena, in all honesty, included.

She had been having a difficult time believing that anything was actually happening between the two of them. Sure, she had heard about Blair's previous suspicions but she had quickly blown it off. Once the Gossip Girl alert came through she was forced to face the possibility more directly.

Pulling her phone out once more Serena scrolls back to the most recent blast and studies the picture. Again.

Nate's arms rested against Odette's lower waist, clearly bringing her in closer to his own body...

His eyes were closed but she could tell he was smiling, at least faintly, by the familiar creasing around his eyes.

Odette's face was hidden against his chest, mainly because she was too short to be able to lay her head on his shoulder.

Their height difference actually looked a bit ridiculous.

Serena quickly noted that, aesthetically, Nate and her fit together much better. She was tall, even without heels, and she knew that she could most definitely rest her head on his broad shoulders because she had done so in the past.

Narrowing her eyes as she continues to stare down at her phone, Serena's brows begin to furrow together in confusion.

Odette was so not his type?

Nate loved long, tan, legs. Hers mainly. He had told her as much, several times over the years.

Mostly when he was drunk.

But what was that old saying of drunk words being sober thoughts?

And she knew first-hand her drunk actions with him were definitely both of their sober desires.

Serena lets her screen fall asleep - waiting for it to go completely dark before tucking it away, even though she felt like she could stand here and study and pick apart that picture for hours. But this wasn't about her. She needed to go take care of Blair even if she had no idea how to make her feel better when she was also feeling pretty shitty about the entire situation.

As she walks across the crowded apartment towards the bedrooms she can hardly focus on what she's going to say when she joins Blair. She can hardly focus on anything in general as her stomach sinks further, and further, the more she realizes her hearts currently aching. Nate was Blair's boyfriend, why was she feeling so distraught? Well, she knew exactly why but she also realized she had no right to feel this way, but it didn't really change the fact she did.

She hardly had enough time to process the range of emotions she was currently experiencing before she reaches the bedroom at the farthest end of the hallway. Curling her first, she moves to knock on the door but before her fist fully commits to connecting with the white-wood surface she hears a muffled, masculine, voice.

Thoroughly confused Serena gently twists the doorknob and cracks the door open just enough to squeeze in. However, once her eyes settle on the scene playing out before her she feels her mouth drop in utter shock.

Chuck, with his back slightly to Serena, was taking Blair from behind.

His fingers were twisted tightly into Blair's chocolate curls, holding her head firmly against the mattress as he drilled himself into her, angrily and repeatedly. His roughness alarmed Serena and her first assumption was that she had obviously walked in on Chuck assaulting her best friend but before she could get too worked up over it she heard Blair's whimpers of pleasure.

Completely horrified, Serena instinctively brings both hands up to cover her eyes. This move saved her from the graphic sight of it all but did nothing to protect her from hearing Blair beg him to go harder.

So much for being vanilla...

Serena rushed out of the room as fast as she could, once again thankful for her long, tan, legs, and, in this instance, their ability to get her out of such a traumatizing situation that much quicker. Despite leaving in such a panic she still made a point of closing the door softly as if to not disturb them. Even though everything about what she had just seen deeply disturbed her. Possibly to the point of needing to seek professional help...

It was highly unlikely that she would ever be able to get the image of Chuck's bare ass out of her head.

Moving to the opposite end of the hallway, Serena, completely frazzled, leans against the wall as if to catch her breath.

Her heart was pounding rapidly against her chest and despite wanting to think of anything but, she couldn't think of anything other than Chuck and Blair.

It didn't make sense.

They hated each other and mostly only tolerated one another because of Nate. How could this have happened?

How could her innocent Blair, that didn't even like to give Nate blow jobs, let Chuck Bass do those disgusting things to her?

Swallowing the gigantic lump that had built up in her throat Serena debates whether or not she needs to go throw up or drink more. Before she can fully commit to either option she sees the flash of someone's hands fly by in front of her face.

Pulled out of her horrified-trance Serena focuses in on the two familiar faces before her, "Oh my god! Sorry, I..." She couldn't finish the thought. How could she possibly explain this? Instead of trying to, she moves in to hug both Odette and Nate, "We weren't expecting you."'

Despite her best efforts to present a cool front, Odette could definitely tell something was up with Serena that night and in an effort to explain her behavior Serena had made up a lame story about not hitting it off with Dan's sister. This wasn't a complete lie but it also definitely wasn't why Serena was so on edge.

Odette had crystal-like eyes that pierced the soul and that night they seemed to see straight through Serena's facade. She might have not realized what Serena was covering up but she definitely knew there was more to the story than Humphrey family drama. That had been a huge reason why Serena had been doing just about all she could to avoid talking to Odette directly. She was worried, constantly, that she would give her a certain look or stare at Blair and Chuck too long and somehow Odette would catch it and find everything out.

Chuck and Blair.

It was an ugly secret to have to keep but she definitely at least owed Blair that much. She had been such a shitty best friend on so many other fronts that it seemed the very least she could do now was help cover up Blair's dirty hookup. Even if it was slowly costing her her sanity.

"You're not hungry either, Serena?" Nate shifts his stare from the blonde down to her still filled plate, "The Beef Wellington is really good." He offers, knowing it's one of her favorite dishes.

"I'm getting dessert with Dan's family after the tree lighting so..." her voice trailed off as she saw Chuck and Odette enter the room from the opposite end of where they were all seated, "Uh, what was I saying?"

Following Serena's stare, Blair looks over her shoulder, "Something about dessert..."

"Yeah, love dessert. Excuse me." promptly standing up, Serena pushes her chair in before heading in the direction of Odette.

'Stay cool, stay calm. Stay cool, stay calm.'

Nate watches Serena walk away before turning back to Blair with an exhausted expression. His eyes were a slightly darker shade of green than usual due to his frustration at being so confused by everyone's behavior, "Is she alright?"

Blair was typically extremely animated, especially in social settings such as this, but today she truly didn't feel up to the task. Struggling with how to rationally explain Serena's odd behavior Blair instead only offers him a small shrug before stabbing another small piece of carrot.

"Are you alright?"

Most people liked to peg Nate as a handsome face with no brains but it was obvious that even he was catching on to everyone's strange behavior. She would have to figure out how to turn her A-game back on moving forward. Sighing deeply Blair asks him, almost breathlessly like, "Will you dance with me?"

Nate's eyes flicker from Blair's dark doe-eyes to the slow-spinning dance floor. Only a few party-goers were currently dancing, mainly old couples, but one of the live performers this year was Michael Bublé and he was a personal favorite of Blair's.

She had even bought Nate one of his albums on vinyl the previous year. Nate wasn't that interested in the music but Blair and him had listened to it in entirety that same night, with the lights of his bedroom dimmed as the swayed together in place to the slower ballads.

This was a rare occasion and had been one of the few truly intimate moments between them.

No talking, no arguing, no thinking even.

They moved so effortlessly in sync and Nate could remember wondering why it couldn't always be this simple with them. How much easier things would be if they could...

Blair, as poised as she was at almost all times, had the curse of two left feet. She was by no means the most beautiful dancer and was usually very self-conscious when it came to having to dance in front of crowds without ample practice time being allotted. For her to be suggesting they dance now, in front of their friends and all these strangers, definitely struck Nate as odd but the sad look in her eyes made it hard for him to tell her no.

"Yeah, let's dance." Getting up from his seat next to her, he offers his hand to her with a small smile.

He was so beautiful.

Blair's stare drops from his own as she takes his hand. It was ridiculous but sometimes she felt almost unworthy of looking at him. Usually, because she felt so subpar in compassion but lately, and at this moment, it was due to the shame of what she had done.

She had royally fucked things and didn't have the slightest clue of how they were going to move forward.

As they reached the dance floor the previous song faded as the next one began. Recognizing the familiar intro Blair rests her head against Nate's shoulder, something she could only do in heels like the ones she was wearing tonight, "This one is my favorite."

"I know."

'Home' had been a favorite of Blair's from the first moment she listened to it. Mainly because anytime she heard it all thoughts went to Nate. She felt the melancholy tone spoke to her constant desire of wanting to be close to her boyfriend but always feeling like there was something between them creating distance. Their lack of emotional intimacy, his cheating, her insecurity, Serena, and now, Chuck too.

"My words were cold and flat. And you deserve more than that"

Feeling tears begin to swell Blair shuts her eyes firmly to keep them from rolling down her cheeks. The last thing she needed was to make some big, emotional, scene.

Nate wasn't sure what exactly was going on with Blair but her sadness was all too familiar and he was fairly certain he was the cause. He wasn't sure what he had done this time but evidently, it was bad.

Squeezing her petite frame, he pulls her body closer to his own. For this moment he hoped everything could just disappear and things could be like that one night they danced in his room. No talking, no arguing, no thinking even.

"You're my home, Nate." Blair utters this in no more than a whisper. Her tone of voice is so soft and gentle that Nate decides to pretend he hasn't heard her.

Mainly because he didn't know what to say back.

'I'm really not.'

Chuck was one to always have something going on.

Him, Nate, and their core group of guy friends were usually hitting some of the city bars with their fake ID's, having drug and alcohol-fueled ragers at Chuck's suite, or even calmer nights in which they just played videogames and got ridiculously baked. Point was, they were always doing something. And Chuck preferred that because all of it was a great distraction and made it virtually impossible to be left alone, which he hated.

But lately, Chuck had been spending less and less time with the guys and instead choosing to occupy almost all of his free time with Odette.

The fact that he enjoyed their one-on-one time so much surprised even him. Especially considering in the past his interest in an individual girl didn't last long, especially with ones that didn't put out.

In truth he wasn't used to hanging out with girls that he wasn't A, partying with or B, preparing to sleep with.

Typically any alone time he spent with someone was only a lead up to sex but it had become clear to Chuck early on that with Odette sex was not even an option, yet.

After their Thanksgiving makeup, they had started to fool around a bit more, but it still never went further than that. With anyone else, this would have been an immediate deterrent and he would quickly, and easily, go find his next play-thing, but despite her not putting out for him, Chuck still enjoyed their time together.

There was something really effortless about their interactions that he had never really experienced with a girl before.

There were no games, no one was trying to gain something from the other, they both were just enjoying the time spent together.

Of course, despite how easy it was to get caught up in Odette, what had gone down with Blair at her party lived permanently at the forefront of his mind. It was easy to temporarily distract himself from thoughts of it all but they didn't stay away for long.

Flashbacks to that night and the lingering guilt he felt would creep its way back in.

This was new for him. He was Chuck Bass and shame was most definitely his game, but this was different.

Nate had been his best friend since they were little kids and there was no one that Chuck was really closer to. Despite knowing that Nate didn't really love Blair Waldorf she was still his girlfriend, his long-term girlfriend, and he felt really bad about betraying his friend. Regardless of circumstance, there was still a 'bro-code'.

To be fair though, the only reason Chuck hooked up with Blair in the first place was that he assumed Nate broke the 'bro-code' first. At least that's how he tried to justify it all to himself but in retrospect, he knew he really jumped the gun on that.

He also knew that manning up and being honest with Nate was the right thing to do and that he owed his friend that much, but he was also a complete coward.

Losing Nate was a risk and it wasn't one he particularly wanted to take.

Nate wasn't the only person potentially getting hurt from this situation though. There was also Odette.

Chuck didn't like to admit to or really discuss it, but he obviously wasn't outright hiding the fact he had a serious interest in her that went beyond just sex.

The chances of Nate forgiving him felt somewhat 50/50 considering how bad his relationship with Blair had been lately. The chances of Odette forgiving him however were approximately zero.

They had just gotten past the Coco situation and she had completely iced him out for that when it wasn't even true. If she found out about him and Blair... he had no doubt that she would never speak to him again and that was another risk he wasn't willing to take.

So instead, he would just stomach the guilt and try to justify his choice to be cowardly by telling himself he's doing it for their own good; as a way to protect Nate and Odette, but deep down he knew he was doing it to protect himself.

He wasn't prepared to lose two people he cared about in one fell swoop.

Chuck didn't let a lot of people in.

Having learned at a young age that people come and people go he had really made a point of trying to not get emotionally attached to people. This is why he treated the partners he hooked up with as if they were nothing important to him and he never slept with the same person twice. This is why, despite having other friends, Nate was the only one he considered himself close to.

The person he was closest to in the world had killed herself, effectively vanishing from his life forever and this had broken him, in a lot of ways, at a fairly young age.

From then, the first girl he had ever 'loved', or thought he loved at least, was essentially using him the entire time and left his life like it was nothing. Like he was nothing. This had broken him further.

He had too much proof of the people he cared about leaving him so to combat that fear he typically refused to let himself get close enough to anyone to care if they never talked to him again or not.

Nate had been the only exception because they were friends long before all the stuff that made Chuck become this way.

Odette, on the other hand, came way after the fact and yet somehow had still fallen through the cracks of the giant wall he had put up to protect himself.

And now, here they were, and there was really no turning back for him.

Pressing the upward arrow on the elevator, Chuck waits for the button to light up signaling its descent to the lobby where they were waiting before shifting his gaze to Odette. He couldn't help admiring the way the matching belt to her emerald jumpsuit cinched her waist just right.

He was used to girls wearing dresses and had secretly been hoping to see Odette in some slinky crimson-colored number, but the minute he saw her all those thoughts disappeared and he realized he had never appreciated the color emerald enough because he had never seen it look as beautiful as it did on her. The richness of it really stood out against her fair skin and the color brought out small specs of green in her cerulean eyes that he had never noticed up until this point. The jumpsuit not only accented her figure but showcased her shoulders and pronounced collarbone. He could also see a trail of freckles scattered from her left shoulder, down her back. The tiny dots seemed to taper off where the green fabric of her top met her skin, but as Chuck stood there, admiring her, he imagined how they would look underneath her clothes.

"What are you staring at?"

Shaking his head for a moment, a small smirk works it's way across his face before he states matter-of-factly, "Your freckles."

Odette can feel her cheeks begin to warm with embarrassment. Like most people that had them, she hated her freckles and would typically coordinate her outfits to cover them up but the jumpsuit she was wearing tonight had come as a gift from Karl Lagerfeld himself. Dyed emerald green for the festive occasion and designed specifically for her measurements, and one does not just simply turn down a gift bestowed to them by the Karl Lagerfeld. Freckles be damned, she was determined to wear this ensemble with confidence.

But of course, Chuck pointing them out had her instantly second-guessing her previous confidence.

Sensing her embarrassment Chuck moves closer, "They make me curious..." He places his index finger on the top of her shoulder, "If I traced them all the way down..." His voice is soft, like velvet to the ears, and as he speaks to her he gently and slowly traces his finger across the path of freckles that stream down her shoulder and back, but he stops once he reaches the fabric of her top, "how far down would they go?"

Odette's lower lip quivers ever so slightly and she's certain that her eyes are a dead giveaway to the fact she's melting on the inside, but she does her best to remain an air of indifference, "The world may never know. And by the world, I mean you, obviously."

Before Chuck can reply something smart the elevator bell chimes before the doors roll open for them, "After you."

"Such gentlemen." Batting her eyes at him in an overexaggerated way, Odette enters the spacious lift and instantly begins to mentally prepare herself for what she was walking into.

She was showing up fairly late. Later than what was expected of her at least.

This intentional lapse in her planning time was partly in an effort to avoid her grandfather.

They hadn't spoken much at all since their Thanksgiving standoff in Kycuit and she knew the later she showed the more likely he was to be busy entertaining his many guests.

Avoiding the old man was only part of her untimely arrival though. Mainly she was late because it had taken just about all of her willpower to pull herself out of Chuck's bed that evening.

Since their Thanksgiving make-up, things had quickly gotten back on track for them and were moving full-force ahead.

They still hadn't quite put a label on things or had the dreaded 'what are we?' talk but at the same time, it didn't feel like they needed to. Not forcing him to have those talks kept Chuck at ease and in turn he was steadily becoming more and more available to her. It was a slow process, sure, but one that she really felt was worth putting the effort in for.

She could feel herself falling for him though and she knew she probably needed to take some steps back and keep her guard up to protect herself, but it was easier said than done. Especially when giving in to her feelings for him was so much more fun.

She hadn't felt this way about anyone in...awhile.

However, considering how her last experience turned out and Chuck's well-known reputation she of course still had her reservations.

She was trying her hardest to be smart about things even though everything about him lately was making her brain feel fuzzy. However, regardless of how good things felt with him at the moment, she knew she still had a responsibility to herself to be smart... in all aspects.

Her lack of self-control and good-sense is what had gotten her into problematic situations in the past and she wasn't looking to repeat them but, regardless of the many concerns and worries that were involved, she couldn't help leaving them in the back burner of her mind as she got more and more caught up in Chuck.

She watches him as he fiddles with his cufflinks, waiting for the elevator doors to close.

Out of the corner of his eye, Chuck can see Odette looking at him, furthermore, he can feel her eyes on him. Meeting her gaze, he raises an eyebrow at her but before he can say something witty or suggestive their small moment is interrupted as someone sticks their foot between the elevator doors just as they start to close.

With a small sigh of relief, Jordan rolls his shoulders back as the elevator doors open for him once again. "Sorry about..." His voice trails off once his eyes land on Odette and he briefly shifts his weight from one foot to the other but doesn't move any further to get into the lift.

Seeing Jordan, Odette's eyes grew wide in surprise, briefly, before narrowing into a scowl, "You gonna get in? Or just keep wasting our time?"

Catching the way venom drips from her words Chuck cautiously side-eyes Odette before stepping to the side so Jordan can get in.

Clearing his throat Jordan moves to stand next to Chuck and stares at the various buttons, trying his hardest to concentrate on that instead of the obvious thick air of tension currently filling the small elevator.

Biting down on his lower lip, Chuck rubs his chin as he racks his brain for something to talk about. Anything was better than this deafening silence.

"You work for David, right?"

Hearing Chuck's question, Jordan shifts his focus to him, but before he can answer Odette speaks up.

"He works for our family." She quickly clarifies, her eyes squinting as she forces a tight smile, "He's like our bitch, really. Isn't that right Jordy?"

There wasn't much that made Chuck uncomfortable, but this interaction definitely was. Odette's animosity towards Jordan was palpable and he was having a difficult time understanding what had brought this on. Odette didn't seem to have much of a mean streak but this guy brought out a really different side of her.

Jordan bites his tongue, knowing that he can't be as bold in his response to her, not with the Bass kid here as a witness at least. "You shouldn't speak such obscenities Dee-Dee," a smug grin briefly flashes across his face as he uses her family's pet name to mock her, "It's very unbecoming of a young lady."

Odette can feel her blood boil but before she can bite back anything to him the elevator comes to a halt and the doors open up to the lavish Christmas party.

"You two have a great night and uh...best of luck to you, you're going to need it." Jordan winces as he claps Chuck on the back before stepping out of the lift.

Watching his retreating figure, Odette wonders if she stares hard enough if she can make him combust until there's nothing but a pile of ash left where he stands.

"So, what's the deal with that?" Shoving his hands in his pant pockets, Chuck stares up at the ceiling before looking at Odette.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," A small, awkward, chuckle emits him, "why do you hate him so much?"

"Because he's the worst person on Earth?" Odette is serious for a moment before forcing a laugh, "He's just annoying and always in my business and trying to tell me what to do. He's...snakey and I honestly don't want to waste any more time talking about him, okay?"

Chuck wasn't sure he believed that was all there was to it, but he also had no reason to doubt her. "Understood. How about we see if we can find some mistletoe?" With a small wink, he offers his elbow to her so he can escort her into the party.

Cortney sat quietly at her table, directly next to Kati and Iz, but despite their rapid-fire conversations she just didn't have the energy to jump in on any of the talking points.

Christmas time was easily her favorite part of the year but she wasn't really feeling very in the holiday spirit this year. Her grandfather's annual parties were something she always looked forward to and she had been so excited to be able to invite Kati and Iz this time, but that was before.

Despite only happening a short time ago, Cortney could easily categorize her life as B.B and A.B. Before Benji and After Benji. The Cortney she was B.B was a far cry from the girl she felt like today.

Thanksgiving break had served as a nice escape for her. She never really left her home, she was only around her family, and just for a little bit she didn't have to fake like everything okay. But now that they had been back at school, and she was forced to attend a social event such as this, she knew she needed to turn it on and act like she was fine. It just wasn't that easy.

She was going through the motions but felt extremely disconnected from herself and her life. It was as if she was having an out-of-body experience and was watching herself go through her daily tasks but not feeling any sort of connection to any of it or anyone.

She didn't want to feel this way.

Every night before bed she would tell herself affirmations and that 'tomorrow is a new day', 'tomorrow will be the day you snap out of this' but every morning she'd wake up just the same as the day before, if not worse.

Her body would fight her on everything.

It was a struggle to get out of bed, it was a hassle to put on makeup and try to look presentable, even putting one foot in front of the other to walk felt exhausting.

She was tired, all the time.

And every day she could physically feel herself sink deeper and deeper into the darkness of her own mind.

She hated giving Benji this extra power over her. As if he hadn't taken enough from her physically, what he had done was now effectively killing her soul.

It was as if he had drained her entire life force, but not all at once - little bit, by little bit, he was breaking her and she knew eventually there would be nothing left of her standing.

The strangest part of it all was that despite feeling like every new day was a struggle and feeling further and further from herself as time passed, no one around her really seemed to catch on. They all went about their days just like before.

Couldn't they see her dying right before their eyes?

Spouts of anger came in flashes but were quickly diminished by the realization that just as much as she wanted someone to notice her pain and help her she more so wanted no one to find out.

Her rape was her secret shame and it was her cross to bear, completely alone.

"Co?"

Taking a sip of her water, Cortney looks between both Kati and Iz as she tries to figure out who had just been trying to get her attention, "Hm?"

Iz rolls her eyes before repeating herself, this time her tone far less enthused, "Benji's been asking about you. I was thinking you two could double with Bobby and me."

Cortney can feel an instant chill run through her body at the mention of Benji.

Go on a date with him? She would sooner cut off her own arm and eat it.

"How would that even work?"

Not understanding the question Iz cocks her head to the side, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you and Bobby don't really go on dates...you have hookups. So, would we be going on this 'double date' in his bedroom?"

She had meant it as somewhat of a joke but it was quickly apparent that Iz found zero humor in her comment, "Wow." Iz abruptly pushes herself out of her chair, "You don't have to be a bitch. I was trying to do you a favor."

"A favor?" Cortney laughs at her choice of words knowing a 'date' with Benji is the furthest thing from what she would consider a favor.

"Yeah, Benji told all his buddies that you let him smash. First Chuck, now Benji, you're getting a reputation, Cortney." Iz not using her nickname was a clear sign that she was trying to cut her down a notch, "Excuse me for trying to make something deeper happen between you and Benji so that maybe people won't lose complete respect for you."

"Great, thanks so much for your consideration, Isabel. But I don't need you to do me any favors, I don't want anything deeper with Benji, and I don't care if people lose respect for me! But I know that must come as a shock to someone who relies and thrives on receiving validation from other people."

Both Kati and Iz's faces fall as Cortney's dig fully processes, "I'm so out of here." Iz gathers her belongings quickly before looking back at Coco with puppy-dog like eyes, "This new personality of yours is seriously unlikeable. Let me know when my friend is back."

Cortney watches her figure retreat into the crowd of partygoers and though she does feel a little guilty she mostly feels nothing.

"That was pretty harsh, Co." Kati tucks a strand of hair behind her ear before exchanging a small glance with Cortney, "You've been kind of different since the other night. Is it because you feel weird about what happened?"

Taken aback by this turn of the conversation, Cortney directs her full attention to Kati. Since that night the two girls hadn't talked about what happened between them at all. If anything it was as if it never happened and hearing Kati mention it now was surprising, to say the least.

"No." Cortney didn't feel weird about their kiss, in fact, she felt weird for not feeling weird about it. For her, their kiss felt like the most natural thing in the world and while she had a lot of heavier stuff weighing on her mind and heart she also couldn't deny thinking back to that kiss from time to time and finding comfort in the memory.

"Because it was just a one-time, drunk, kiss. It didn't mean anything and nothing has to be weird between us, okay? So if you're being a bitch to... I don't know, cover up any discomfort you might be feeling? Please stop. It was dumb but it doesn't need to ruin our friendship."

Every word out of Kati's mouth felt like a direct punch to her stomach and Cortney could almost swear it felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. Kati's words were unintentionally brutal and truly the last thing she needed to be hearing right now.

"Great, thanks for clearing that up."

Kati watches Cortney, trying desperately to read her but she was having a difficult time doing so, "Did you really hook up with Benji?"

"Yeah, something like that." Cortney stares down intently at the Christmas themed linen that was draping their table.

A long silence passes between them before Kati speaks up, "I should probably go find Iz."

"Right..."

"I'm glad we talked though Co, I really don't want things to be weird between us." Reaching out, she gives Cortney's hand a gentle squeeze.

Her touch sends volts of low-wave shocks throughout Cortney's body and she can feel her heart begin to flutter ever so slightly, but once Kati pulls away those feelings are instantly gone. As they should be. Those feelings, whatever they were, needed to be killed and buried because Kati had made it abundantly clear nothing would ever happen between them.

"I'll talk to Iz and everything will be good, okay? Why don't you come with us to our dress fitting on Saturday?"

The look in Kati's eyes was a mixture of hopefulness and pleading, which made it difficult to say no even though Cortney didn't feel like committing herself to anything these days, "Sure."

"Great, I'll text you!"

"Sure."

Cortney watches as Kati's figure retreats into the same crowd Iz had moments before. However, unlike with Iz, watching Kati leave made her feel a twinge in her heart. It's not like she had been expecting Kati to profess her love to her and declare their kiss as 'life-changing', but in a way that's how it had felt for her.

Life-changing...

As if she didn't have enough to worry about with the Benji situation she now had to find a way to come to terms with her obvious feelings for her best friend as well as figure out a way to squash those as to not ruin said best friendship.

Everything in her life right now totally and completely sucked.

"I still don't understand why she has to come everywhere with us." Walking with her arm looped with her mothers, Mackenzie Humphrey pouts as they walk several feet behind the rest of the Humphrey clan.

...and Vanessa.

For the most part, she was pretty well adjusted to Vanessa and her rather large personality. The girl had been friends with Dan since primary school, after all, and lived in the same building as them for a portion of time too. However, despite only being a year apart and growing up together, Mackenzie had never developed the friendship with Vanessa that Dan had.

Or, any sort of friendship at all really, and apparently in her absence, Vanessa had become even closer to the remaining Humphreys and had essentially wormed herself into their family.

Really Mack's dislike for the wild-haired brunette wasn't entirely her fault.

Mackenzie had a complicated relationship with her father for as long as she could remember and she had never felt that he tried to connect with her in the way he did with Dan and Jenny. This made her decision to move out with her mom all the easier but now that they were back, even if only visiting, all those feelings of insecurity came flooding back.

This was heightened by Vanessa's close relationship with her family.

Growing up, Dan and Vanessa had somewhat blown Jenny off a lot, writing her off as an annoying little sister-type, but now they appeared to be close friends, chatting away and laughing at their own inside jokes. Mackenzie would be lying if she said it didn't bother her. While she was happy Jenny had a 'big-sister' figure around when she couldn't be, it didn't feel good to physically be here and be shown up by Vanessa. She knew so much more about the ins and outs of Dan and Jenny's life, in a lot of ways it felt like she was the new third sibling - the new and improved Mackenzie.

The most painful part, however, was seeing the healthy relationship between Vanessa and Rufus. They both conversed like old friends and yet still had this sense of a real father and daughter like bond. Mackenzie was his own flesh and blood and yet he seemed closer to Vanessa. She had the relationship with Rufus that Mack had been craving for years and she didn't even have to try.

"Vanessa is having a hard time right now, Kenzie. Her parents split and she has a complicated relationship with her dad. She needs to be around family right now." Alison sighed as she spoke, giving her daughter a small smile.

"Oh wow, mom. Not like I would know anything about that, right? Also, we aren't her family. That's what she has Ruby and Rosa for." At the mention of Vanessa's older sister, and her live-in girlfriend, Mackenzie scowls. Vanessa was their responsibility, why couldn't they bring her to the stupid tree lighting? Probably because this event showed support for 'the man' or something to that effect, but still.

Mackenzie was sweet, as all Humphrey's were at their core, but there was also that signature Humphrey snark that was always ready to strike when necessary.

"Okay, calm down." Fighting a laugh, Alison gives her some serious side-eye as if to warn her to behave as she did back in times when her children were actual children.

But they were all far from that now.

Each of them was growing and constantly changing and evolving to better fit the young adults they are becoming.

How had that happened?

How had it all happened so quickly?

She had always been told to enjoy them while they were little because they grow so fast. And she had treasured every little memory and yet it still didn't feel like enough time.

One day she's a young mother, madly in love with her partner, doting on her three beautiful children, and then...

Her younger self could never have imagined that this is how her life would turn out. Estranged from Rufus and living a completely separate life from two of her children. Despite how at peace she felt in Hudson she couldn't deny that a piece of her always felt empty, always longing for her family.

Being back, and everyone living under the same roof wasn't an easy adjustment. It was awkward, definitely, but she could also envision that in time things would work themselves back to normalcy.

Some degree of it, maybe.

All of it was easier said than done, however. As much as she did care for Rufus she wasn't sure they could fix things between them, but she did feel that she owed it to her children to try at least. They didn't deserve to be punished because she wasn't happy.

What was 'happy' anyways?

Sure, it was the joy and passion she felt with Alex.

It was the euphoria that engulfed her when she finished a new project.

But it was also the pride she felt watching her children achieve great things.

It was the laughter they brought her. That deep from the belly, genuine, laughter that only her kids got out of her.

And once upon a time, happiness was Rufus too.

It was possible they could get back to that point. She at least owed it to Dan, Mackenzie, and Jenny to try.

And that's what she was doing, she was trying.

Traveling across the bridge to come watch the tree lighting at Rockefeller Center was an annual Humphrey tradition. Mostly because one year, when all the kids were much younger, Mackenzie had become transfixed with the tv screen as she watched the lighting from the comfort of the loft. Rufus, silently, took note of this, and starting the next year he took his entire family to witness the festivities in person.

However, as the kids had gotten older they had become less and less interested in this old tradition, and with the splitting of the family the year prior, everyone had lucked out on missing it for the first time since they started attending.

Unbeknownst to anyone though, Rufus had still attended. He went alone, which had been pretty depressing, but the sadness from his shattered life mixed with the happy memories of bringing Mackenzie and the other kids year after year was almost cathartic.

This year Rufus was determined to establish some sense of normalcy, so he dragged his entire family...and Vanessa...out into the blistering cold to watch.

A sense of normalcy was the excuse he had given everyone as they protested his insistence that they the attend this year, but really his desire to go was more so because he knew Alison wasn't going to stay with him. He knew that after the holidays she would pack up and take Mackenzie back to Hudson with her and he'd see his daughter less and less. He knew this was the very last time they'd attend this event as a family and therefore it was probably the last time he could watch Mackenzie's eyes light up, just like they did the very first time she saw the Christmas tree lights that day on tv. She liked to pretend she was as bored with this all as her siblings were, but every time they came that hint of child-like wonder was still present behind her wide blue eyes.

Rufus was not forthcoming with his motives, of course, so no one else really understood why he was so determined to attend this year, but, come rain, shine, or frost-bite, apparently, the Humphrey's were going to be there with the other hundreds of thousands of people.

"Watch it, buddy!"

"Oh, up yours!"

"Fuck you, both."

Hearing the start to a low-grade brawl begin to break out in the crowd surrounding them, Mackenzie grimaces, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas." She sings in a harmonic voice before shaking her head in dismay.

Regardless of how early they got here there were always tons of people already waiting and the Humphrey's never even got remotely close to the actual stupid tree.

'That's not the point', Rufus would argue time and time again.

Despite not being super pleased with the fact this was how she was spending her evening, Mackenzie tried to consider the positives. Slim as they might be. For one, at least with the number of people here, invading her personal space as they stood so close to her she could hear their breathing, an extra layer of warmth was provided to protect her from the painfully chill night air.

Before she can think of another positive Dan, walking in the opposite direction of them, passes both Alison and Mackenzie without saying a word. Both mother and daughter exchange a look before turning and calling after him, "Dan!"

As their voices ring through the air, Dan turns and walks back to them with an annoyed expression, "Yes?"

"Where are you going?"

"I told Dad already." Dan bit his lip as he processed what he had just said. He wasn't intentionally trying to hide anything from his mother but he was also long out of the practice of asking her permission for anything. As he sees a look of hurt flash across her face he instantly feels terrible, "Didn't mean it like that... I uh, I told Dad that I'm going to meet Serena. I don't want her wandering aimlessly through this crowd trying to find us."

Despite knowing exactly what Dan had meant Alison decides to let it go, "Such a gentleman we raised, huh? That's a good idea. Take your sister with you." As she finishes, Alison swings Mackenzie forward before unlinking their arms.

"What?"

"Why?"

Neither sibling seemed thrilled by the prospect.

"Mom, Serena is at an invite-only party up there," Dan gestures to the towering building across the street from them, "I don't even know if I'll be allowed in, let alone Mack."

"Another one?" Mack's lip curls in mild disgust, "Is that all these people do is throw lavish parties?"

"Pretty much." Nodding his head briefly Dan points back in the direction of the expansive skyscraper, "I gotta go."

"Mackenzie, go with him." Alison snaps as she flicks her finger towards Dan, "You know the rules, no one goes anywhere without a buddy."

"Mom, that's from when we were like, five?" With a small grimace, Mack shakes her head before reluctantly moving to follow Dan. Their mother was clearly not taking no for an answer and they were wasting time standing here.

"It still applies. Now go, and stick together." Waving both teenagers off Alison moves to quickly catch up with the rest of the Humphrey clan. ...and Vanessa.

"Where's Mackenzie?" Rufus searches the area, briefly panicked that they've left her behind or that someone grabbed her when no one was looking.

"She went with Dan to find Serena," Alison responds, smiling to Jenny and Vanessa as she wraps her arms around either of them.

"Oh..." his face falters, but it's barely noticeable, "She's going to miss the show."

"Come on Rufus, she's seen it so many times. I think she'll survive missing one more."

Several beats of silence pass as Dan stares directly at Mackenzie, his face devoid of any clear emotion.

"Lead the way?" She offers with a gesture, "You know where we're going, I don't."

Clenching his jaw, Dan turns abruptly away from his sister and begins to push his way through the crowd. Despite his annoyance at her chaperoning him, he still made a point to turn back and check that she was still behind him every few seconds.

As they move through the crowded plaza Mackenzie makes small faces at the back of Dan's head. He had been annoyed with her since before Thanksgiving and she truly didn't know what had gotten into him. Rolling her eyes, her gaze naturally drifts elsewhere and she stops in her tracks once she sees it, "Dan!"

Halting as he hears his name called, again, Dan looks down at his watch before turning back to his sister, "What?"

His tone is flat but even Dan's sour-puss mood can't kill the excitement that was filling her at the moment, "Look!" She points to a sign advertising an upcoming taping of Saturday Night Live.

The late-night sketch comedy show was one of Mackenzie's favorites and she had been trying to score tickets to a taping for years now, but considering how popular the show was the tickets weren't cheap and were not at all easy to come by.

"I can't believe I'm going to walk through the same lobby that some of the greats have..." Mackenzie moves through the massive front entrance as if she's walking on air. This was such a small thing, but she felt completely elated to even be in the same building that hosted the iconic show.

"'Greats' seems like a stretch." Dan tilts his head side to side as he weighs this thought.

"Daniel," Mackenzie narrows her eyes at him slightly, "I don't say shit about your love for Emerson or Hemingway, let me have this."

Throwing his hands up in surrender Dan moves around Mackenzie to walk towards the security guard closest to the elevator, "Maybe don't say my name quite so loud?" He offers, bringing his index finger to his lips, before turning back around. Despite feeling his stomach start to roll with nerves, Dan tries his best to remain completely collected as he strolls towards the elevator with a purpose. He makes a point not to stop, hoping that despite his casual attire the security guy will believe he belongs. Fake it till you make it...

"Can I help you, folks?" Moving to block the elevator doors, the security guard scans Dan up and down before crossing his arms firmly across his chest.

"Just trying to get back up to the party." Dan pointed up at the ceiling as if he needed to explain.

The security's lip quivers before he busts out in boisterous laughter, "You're attending the party, right, totally."

"Uh, yeah." Despite trying desperately to remain calm, Dan knew he obviously wasn't fooling this guy and there was no way he was getting through. As always he was the outsider looking in. He would just have to text Serena to meet him downstairs.

Getting ready to turn back around Dan only stops as Mackenzie moves in front of him, "Do you have any idea who I am? Clearly not, since you're standing here laughing instead of moving out of the way so we can get back to the party."

Dan's eyes momentarily go wide, completely caught off guard by this faux persona of Mackenzie's. Mack was typically pretty quiet, especially around strangers, and he was surprised she had it in her to act this way.

Now staring Mackenzie up and down the guard asks pointedly, "And who are you?"

"I'm Serena Van Der Woodsen. This is Blair Waldorf," at this, she looks to Dan before focusing back on the guard who now looks doubly confused, "What? Blair is totally a unisex name."

"Right..." Giving the pair an incredulous look, he glances down at his clipboard of names. Both Serena and Blair were clearly listed, but it didn't take a genius to know something was up, "You got some form of identification?"

Mackenzie panicked, but only briefly, "No, we don't. We left our belongings upstairs at coat check."

"I didn't see you come down the first time and I've been working all night."

"That's because we went through the fourth-floor exit. And what is this? The ground floor, oh so darn, you wouldn't have seen us if we were on a completely separate floor?"

"Well, I can't let you in without some proof that you are who you say you are."

"Jesus, what is with the interrogation! You know, I'm very close friends with the Rockefeller family and they will be so disappointed to hear that security harasses their party guest."

"You're bluffing." He stares Mackenzie down, not wanting to back down to her despite her threat striking a degree of fear into him.

"Are you willing to risk your job on that bet?" Cocking her head to the side, Mackenzie purses her lips as she waits for his response.

After a few moments of debating his course of action, the security guard moves to the side, "Enjoy the party."

"I will, thanks!"

As the two siblings climb into the elevator, hearts beating rapidly from the thrill of their lies, Dan looks at Mack before laughing.

"How did you even know there was another exit?"

"I may or may not have studied a map of this building in an attempt to sneak into a taping." Cringing in embarrassment over what a fan-girl she sounded like, Mack starts to laugh as well, "I can't believe that worked."

"Me either."

It absolutely shouldn't have.

Despite Mack capturing the bratty and entitled behavior of the girls that attended parties such as this pretty well, it was still all too apparent that she was faking it. Mackenzie couldn't be more different from the character she had tried to present herself as, but Dan definitely appreciated her going for it. Especially considering how silly she must have felt, "Amy would be so proud."

"Amy? ...Poehler?" Fully registering Dan's attempt at complimenting her, Mackenzie begins to laugh harder, "She better be!"

A small chime sounds through the compact space of the elevator before the doors slide open revealing a scene that looked straight out of 'The Great Gatsby'. This party was clearly just arranged so that the Rockefeller's could flash their wealth to everyone and boy, did they...

Dan had thought the few birthday parties he was invited to seemed over the top but this Holiday party was an entirely different ballgame. The decor, while simple in appearance, still managed to drip of wealth. Judging by everyone's attire this was clearly a black-tie affair and looking at how dapper everyone appeared only made Dan feel more and more out of place.

Much like her brother, Mackenzie looks around the large ballroom in complete shock. She wasn't entirely sure what she had been expecting, but this wasn't it. She attended a private school in Hudson and she had wealthy friends and peers herself, but even their most luxurious event paled in comparison to the party happening on this floor. It was as if the elevator had transported them back in time, she had never seen so many classically good-looking and well-dressed people in one room.

"Do you see Serena?"

Hearing her brother's question, Mack begins to scan the crowd more carefully in search of the tall blonde. Despite knowing that finding Serena is the whole reason they came here, she could easily find herself becoming more and more distracted by the various party-goers.

On one side of the room, there was a woman who's entire dress looked like it was made out of diamonds. Like, actual diamonds.

On the opposite end, she could clearly see Jimmy Fallon talking with... "Is that Obama?" She could only catch small glimpses of his side profile but she felt fairly certain that she was in fact staring at the President.

"No." Dan is quick to shut this down but after a moment his face twists, "Well, actually..." Before he can decide if that person is in fact the President, he catches sight of Serena. She was completely animated as she chatted with Odette and even from across the room Dan could swear he could hear her angelic giggle.

"There she is."

Hearing her brother Mack tears her eyes away from maybe-Obama and follows his stare, but before her eyes can fully settle on Serena she does a double-take of a couple swaying slowly in place as the rotating dance floor moves them around the room.

There was something deeply sad about them both, they projected this cloud of gloom that was so apparent that Mack wondered why no one else was watching them as quizzically as she was. She couldn't quite place it but there was a sadness about one of them that felt almost familiar. As the dance floor continues to slowly spin, the guys face comes more clearly into view and Mackenzie feels her breath hitch as she focuses in on him specifically.

She was never one to gawk, but this boy was ridiculously attractive.

Chiseled jaw, perfect hair, and eyes as green as the sea.

She wasn't usually attracted to the type of guys that were so obviously good-looking. Mainly because she knew that they knew they were attractive and also because she wasn't completely confident enough in herself to believe guys like that would ever like someone that looked like her.

She knew her league and she knew that dancing-boy was way out of it, but still, she could admire him from afar of course.

"Serena looks..."

"Gorgeous." Her reply comes out as no more than a whisper. Caught off guard by her own response, Mack quickly directs her gaze back to Serena, "Gorgeous. She always looks gorgeous."

Rubbing his forehead for a moment Dan turns to Mack, almost pleading, "Please be nice."

"I'm nice!"

Her tone didn't sound too nice right now but that was mainly because she was exhausted with this conversation. They had been having this same argument since the night of that Blair girl's birthday party. Mackenzie and Serena didn't have a lot in common right off the bat and therefore didn't have a lot to talk about that night. In Dan's eyes, this was, of course, Mackenzie's fault and her way of icing Serena out for whatever reason.

"As I've said, Dan, just because you fall at her feet and worship the ground she walks on doesn't mean the rest of us do."

Dan had long ago put Serena on this untouchable pedestal. He viewed her as being completely perfect in all ways and because he was so obsessed with her he couldn't possibly fathom why anyone else wouldn't be. Despite his hopes and wishes, Mackenzie and Serena hadn't become fast friends from the start but this didn't mean that they wouldn't. He just needed to give it time. Mack wasn't like Jenny, or even Dan, she wasn't so easily caught up in this world and therefore wasn't instantly entranced by Serena. But this didn't mean she didn't like her and it certainly didn't mean she wasn't nice.

Sparing one last glance to his sister Dan moves in towards Serena, Mackenzie only a short step behind him.

Chuck looked between Serena and Odette as they laughed over some anecdote that he had missed completely. He couldn't focus on anything they were talking about with his nerves growing as rapidly as they were.

Serena was the only person, outside of him or Blair, that knew what happened the other night and despite knowing Serena would likely not snitch on Blair he was still incredibly concerned she might give him up at any moment.

Every now and then, the blonde would glance over at Chuck, always looking at him with a mix of shock and disgust. He already felt conflicted enough without Serena adding to it. He knew what she thought of him, that he was vile, a pig, an ass, etc. He knew all this to be true too, but he didn't want Odette to see him that way too and he knew she would if she found out.

So, she couldn't... and Serena really needed to stop staring at him like that.

Clenching his jaw as her eyes shift to him once again, Chuck excuses himself from the conversation and heads in the direction of Blair and Nate, "Sorry to interrupt the dance," though truthfully, Nate looked somewhat relieved, "Can I borrow you for a moment, Blair?" He looks back at Nate, "I need clarification on this Secret Santa bullshit."

Nate nods in understanding but after a moment furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

"Nate," Calling for his attention, Blair runs her fingers through his hair briefly, "If you hear who Chuck got that kind of ruins the surprise, no?"

Their friend group had been doing Secret Santa since the eighth grade. Every year the group changed slightly with people getting removed or added, but each year Blair took great pleasure in planning the whole thing meticulously. Considering recent events, she hadn't been in the mood for it this year but everyone else, mostly, had no clue about the major drama of her life and therefore expected for the game to carry on like it always had. The show must always go on...

Narrowing his eyes suspiciously, Nate looks between Blair and Chuck repeatedly before cracking a smile, "You got me this year, didn't you?" Reaching out, Nate squeezes Chuck's shoulder, "You think you're slick man, but I've got you figured out." Nate wags his finger at his friend, laughing as he walks away, "Alright I'm going. Don't want to 'ruin the surprise'."

Chuck and Blair both sport tight smiles as they wait for Nate to be out of earshot before turning to each other with equally unimpressed scowls.

"Well?" Blair can hardly make eye contact with Chuck these days, feeling her cheeks grow flushed with embarrassment whenever she had to look at him directly. Any time she saw him all she could think about was the other night and the entire ordeal made her feel physically ill. "You interrupted a moment between Nate and I, what do you want?"

"Oh yeah, looked real intimate. I'm pretty sure some of his drool is still right there." Chuck flicks his finger at the top of her head before continuing, "I think I'm going to come clean with Odette."

All the color is instantly drained from Blair's face as she feels her heart drop into her stomach, "What? No, you can't." Her tone is gentle like it had been earlier in the evening, her stress and fear reducing her to some sort of timid creature, "Please, don't."

"It's not like I want to." He licks his lips, his mind racing in search of any sort of alternative, "But, I feel like I owe that to her."

Despite not eating anything all day, Blair suddenly felt so heavy, as if she was weighted down in her place. The nerves in the pit of her stomach were building and she felt that at any moment they would start to push themselves up through her body until they poured out of her mouth like vomit.

"Don't, please."

Different variations of these same two words were all she could think, let alone say.

As she feels him begin to walk away she instinctively reaches out and takes hold of his wrist, "Chuck, I'm begging you. Please don't do this. It was a stupid mistake. I love Nate and Odette likes you. Our mistake isn't worth losing them over." When she had started speaking she wasn't entirely sure where she was going with this, but she surrendered to speaking from the heart, "A small lie isn't the most awful thing if it protects someone."

He was watching her skeptically, fully doubting the words coming out of her mouth, but she carried on, "I would have rather not known about any of Nate's betrayals so that I could continue living my life in peace, believing my relationship is fine."

"Blair, that's..." 'delusional.' "Oblivion."

"It's bliss." Blair shrugs meekly, her doe eyes filling with tears. She was so desperate to keep Chuck from blabbing she was willing to expose her vulnerable side to him if it meant he'd stay quiet. "You tell her, you lose her. And you will lose Nate too." Blair shakes her head slowly, "I know that's not what you want and it's not what either of us deserves for one mistake. Nate's made many..."

Chuck raises an eyebrow at her, teetering between listening to her or his subconscious, "And yet you chose to forgive him every time."

"Yes. And look at the toll it has taken on me." Blair lets out a small breath, almost as if she was about to laugh but couldn't muster the energy to commit to it, "I don't know all the times Nate stepped out on me, so what's the big issue with hiding this one time from him? Sum it up to karma."

Chuck closes his eyes in frustration for a moment, running his tongue along the inside of his cheek as he tries to gather himself, "I know this must be shocking to someone as self-involved as you, but you and Nate aren't actually the only people at risk of getting hurt here."

"...you?"

"No, not me. Odette." Chuck quickly clarifies. Not that he hadn't considered his own feelings and what he was risking in all this, but in this moment he wasn't thinking of anyone else but her. Subconsciously his eyes drift back to where he had left her with Serena and he watches as she talks back and forth with Dan and another girl. He couldn't even be annoyed by Humphrey's presence right now, he barely noticed him at all as he focused in on her. Staring intently he responds, "She hasn't done bad things to any of us. Why does she deserve the bad karma of you and me?"

Blair rolls her eyes in frustration, gripping at her stomach as it begins to cramp from the stress of this conversation, "I don't know, I guess she's collateral damage?"

This was ridiculous. If this had happened a few months prior, before Chuck had gotten more involved with Odette, there was no way he'd be arguing with her over this. They would be on the exact same page. He'd take their fling to his grave and only ever mention it to torture and toy with her. But, he had obviously caught feelings for Odette and they had made him soft because Chuck Bass was clearly breaking before her eyes.

"Oh, fuck you." The words spill from his lips. It was an impulsive reaction as he felt anger inside him start to boil at how obvious it was that Blair completely disregarded her friend's feelings in favor of her own. Here he was feeling so guilty about hurting her, even hurting Nate possibly, but as usual, all Blair could care or worry about was herself.

"You already did that. Kind of what put us in this predicament." Blair bites back at him, giving him an icy stare. "I feel bad for Odette-"

"No, you don't." He shakes his head, his tone completely dismissive.

Blair could feel her patience running thinner and thinner as this conversation prolonged, "Look." She finally snaps at him, "If you really felt so bad you would have told her already. You didn't because you don't want to because you know that I'm right about her hating you. So, why don't you pull yourself together and move on? Or has Chuck Bass really lost his edge."

Replaying her words on repeat in his head as he attempts to fully process it all Chuck finally offers a small nod, "I haven't. I was... forget it. We're on the same page." Meeting her gaze one last time, Chuck abruptly turns away from Blair and walks back towards Odette and the others.

Despite his assurance that they were on the same page, her nerves were not subduing. She knew this conversation and this issue was far from over. As she watches him walk away, Blair internally curses herself for allowing this entire mess to happen in the first place.

'All of this because you just had to screw Chuck, huh?'

He had been good, but not good enough to be worth all this stress after the fact.

Why...why, couldn't she have just believed Nate and Odette when they initially said nothing was happening?

This was far from the first time her insecurity and stubbornness had gotten her into a difficult situation, but this certainly felt the most complex. There was no easy way to maneuver out of this and she had a feeling she would need to start checking in with Chuck much more frequently to keep him off the metaphorical ledge.

"Serena,"

Odette looks over the taller blonde's shoulder to see Dan approaching them, "Dan? How'd you get in here?" Unlike some of the others, she didn't mind Dan all that much, however, she was still surprised to see him crashing her family's Christmas party.

"Oh shoot," Serena groans looking at the time on her phone screen before reaching out to hug Dan, "I'm so late, aren't I?"

"No, no." Dan noticeably breathes a sigh of relief as he feels Serena's body against his own, "I wanted to come meet you. It's pretty chaotic down there and I was concerned you wouldn't be able to find us."

"Your family is down at the tree lighting?"

Shifting his attention to Odette, Dan nods, "It's kind of a Humphrey tradition if you will."

Odette cracks a small smile as she responds, "Cute..." She probably sounded condescending, like she had that time at his father's gallery show, but she meant it. The idea that the entire Humphrey family traveled all the way across the bridge, year after year, to see the same show was cute. She had grown up attending this event, year after year, and had quickly grown bored of it all. To her, it was a stupid tree that looked the exact same as the previous years. It didn't mean anything to her, really. But to other people, such as the Humphrey family, it meant so much. It was fond memories, it was the kick-off to Christmas, it was family time.

"How does it look down there?"

She had only ever seen the tree lighting from the upper viewing deck off of the Rainbow Room. From all the way up on the sixty-fifth floor, the massive tree looked less impressive and as a kid, she had always been curious what it was like to watch it light up from the ground level.

"Uh, crowded. Very crowded. Much more spacious in here." As Dan talks he looks around the room nervously as some of the guests stare at him disapprovingly.

Tilting her head to see who was standing behind Dan, Odette asks, "Who's your friend?"

"This is my sister. My other sister." He quickly clarifies as he gestures to Mackenzie.

Mack does her best to refrain from frowning, but she didn't love that introduction. 'The other sister'. It felt like yet another barrier between her and her siblings. She knew Dan didn't mean it that way, but it made her feel so separate from them. Like a different breed altogether... maybe she was, she could hope, that would at least explain a lot.

"You could have just left it at sister." Odette shoots Dan a look, "I obviously would be able to see that she's not Jenny."

Hearing the way this girl talked to her brother, Mackenzie's entire demeanor perked up, "Thank you!" She laughs, "I'm Mackenzie."

"You mean your name is not...the other sister? Weird." With one last roll of her eyes at Dan, Odette offers Mackenzie a handshake, "Odette Rockefeller. It's nice to meet you."

"Ha, Ha." Dan drags each 'ha' out in a monotone before narrowing his eyes at Odette, "Mack, ignore this person."

"Relax Dan, you know I'm just giving you a hard time."

"I don't think Dan has ever had a relaxed moment in his life." Mack smirks at her older brother before looking back to Odette, "Sorry for crashing your family's holiday party."

"Oh, it doesn't bother me. I'm mostly just impressed you managed to get through security."

Mackenzie and Dan both stay silent for a moment, neither particularly wanting to disclose how they pulled off such a feat, "It's easier than you would probably think..."

Before anyone else can respond Cortney interrupts. Walking up to the group she tugs on the satin belt around Odette's waist to gather her attention, "I'm heading out."

"Oh..." Odette quickly begins to search the crowded room for Chuck, "Let me just find Chuck so I can say bye and I can leave with you."

"Nope, no need." Cortney is very short with her response, already turning to walk away from Odette before waiting to hear what she has to say.

Odette is immediately taken aback by her sister's brusqueness, "Cort, wait! I seriously don't mind?" As she reaches out to grab her arm in an effort to slow her down, Cortney abruptly yanks it away before shooting daggers back at her.

"Odette stop, seriously. I'm fine. I do not want, nor do I need, you to come with me. Stay, have fun, I don't care." With a final look that could kill Cortney walks off hastily, leaving Odette stunned in her place.

She was experiencing serious whiplash from her sister's bipolar behavior. As of recent, Cortney had been acting very strangely and Odette knew something was going on with her but Cort refused to talk about it. However, regardless of how 'fine' she claimed to be, she knew Cortney was out of sorts.

Her little sister had always had bitchy tendencies, but her hostility this week had been worse than Odette had ever experienced.

This cold behavior of hers was even more frustrating because she and Cort had been getting along so well. Ever since the night of Blair's party, the two sisters spent almost all their time together. They had even been sharing the same bed at night, but after Thanksgiving, Cortney had stopped sleeping in Odette's bed and things quickly started to revert back to how they were before with Cortney wanting nothing to do with her.

Since her Thanksgiving makeup with Chuck, Odette had been spending a lot more time with him so it was possible that Cortney was lashing out because of that, but Cortney had also been the one to encourage Odette to work things out with him so could that really be a factor?

Regardless of the reason, she was back to being truly unbearable and Odette really needed to figure out what was going on with her.

"Little sister drama," Mackenzie comments off-handedly before instantly cursing the fact she was inserting herself, but she also felt awkward being a witness and not saying anything, "It's the best."

Odette stares back at the Humphrey girl for a moment before nodding, "Tell me about it. And you don't only have a little sister but also an older brother...and it's Dan."

"Okay, really?" Dan pulls himself completely out of Serena's embrace this time as he stares at Odette with an exasperated expression. "You should be so lucky to have me as an older brother."

Despite feeling bad for betraying her loyalty to her Dan, Mackenzie has to laugh at this comment and her brother's annoyed response. Odette had only meant it as a joke but it was true. Being the middle child came with more complications than this stranger could possibly know, but it was still appreciated to hear her struggle of being stuck between Dan and Jenny acknowledged. At Dan's last comment, Mack sways her head from one side to the other as if she was debating it. "Well, someone is very full of themself."

"Five seconds in this place and you've already turned my sister against me." Dan rolls his eyes before nudging Mackenzie, "Even Jenny lasted longer than you."

Rolling her eyes in bemusement Odette looks around the room once again and her eyes finally land on Chuck. He was standing across the room talking with Blair and by the look of both of their rigid postures, the conversations didn't appear to be a pleasant one. She wasn't sure what the two of them even had to talk about she also figured if it was anything noteworthy one of them would mention it to her at some point.

"I need to talk to you."

She doesn't need to look to know who is talking to her but instead of causing a scene with her typical hostility, she shrugs before giving Serena a hug, "You guys have fun tonight and Mackenzie," she nods in her direction, "it was so nice to meet you and hopefully Dan doesn't keep you so hidden from all of us in the future. I really think you and I will get along great."

"Especially if we just get to poke fun at and torture Dan the whole time." Mack offers a small wink at her brother before smiling back at Odette, "Thanks again for being so cool about us crashing."

"It's the very least I could do for the illusive other sister." Looking back at Serena, Odette sighs, "Serena, before you leave, please tell Chuck to come find me if I'm not back in five minutes. Starting..." Pulling out her phone she makes a mental note of the time displayed across the screen, "Now." Glancing over her shoulder at Jordan she gestures for him to lead the way.

Jordan walks several steps ahead of Odette, cautiously checking every few seconds that she's actually following him.

Begrudgingly, she is, but she also takes her sweet time doing so. Just as Jordan checks over his shoulder for her every few seconds, Odette stops to exchange pleasantries with any passerby she might even vaguely recognize. Her intentions were all too obvious, she was running out the clock. Once they finally make their way across the expansive room and tuck themselves into a mostly desolate corner, Odette eyes a nearby clock and fights the urge to grin.

'Three minutes left.'

"Your times ticking away Jordy, so if I was you I would make it snappy." She snaps her fingers together inches from his face for full effect.

Knowing her well enough by now to know she's not joking about keeping their interaction timed, he immediately begins, "I want to apologize for my behavior earlier." As she looks at him in bewilderment he continues, "My comments were... unnecessary."

"This is what you pulled me away for? Seriously?" She almost has to laugh at how ridiculous it is, "Yeah, you're a dick. It's fine and I'm used to it." She makes a point to pat him on his shoulder condescendingly as she attempts to move around him and back to her friends but before she can completely round the corner he grabs her by the wrist, "I'm not done yet."

There was probably a million and two snarky things she could respond to him, but instead, she stays quiet and waits for him to continue.

"Are you dating the Bass kid?"

"What?" Completely caught off guard, Odette takes a small step back from him and watches as he feverishly clenches and unclenches his jaw.

"It's not exactly an ideal matchup. Your grandfather has worked incredibly hard to establish a well-respected reputation for all of you and," Jordan pauses for a moment shrugging repeatedly as he practices what he's going to say next in his head before continuing out loud, "Chuck's, you know, no good."

Hearing Jordan attempt to tear down Chuck's character puts Odette immediately on the defense. With a scoff, she glares at Jordan before biting back at him, "And you're qualified to make that assumption based on what exactly?"

He had been prepared for some fightback, when it came to Odette there always was some, but despite his experience in dealing with her hostilities it never got any easier. Jordan liked to think of himself as a fairly intelligent and confident guy, but Odette always had this innate ability to regress him back to the awkward, dorky, teenager he had once been long before he ever knew her or her family. When she looked at him with so much disdain, so much coldness, it felt like a kick to the stomach, and her tone cut like a knife to his ego.

"I'm just confused Jordan." She taps one singular, perfectly manicured, finger against her chin, "Does your vast knowledge on public relations suddenly make you an expert on someone's character?" As he attempts to respond she presses a finger against his lips, firmly, "Nope, I'm not done. Is Edleman offering this expertise in those quarterly seminars? Or is judging this something you mastered during your attendance in Bayside public schools?"

Lightly swatting her finger off his face Jordan takes a deep breath, "You done?"

"Are you?"

"All I'm saying is that I think it would be in your best interest to be...smart." Odette shows no reaction to this and Jordan struggles for a moment how to phrase this without having to be too direct, "He has a pretty big reputation." He was being too kind. It was certainly no secret that Chuck lived a promiscuous lifestyle and Odette being linked to him recently concerned Jordan, just as it likely concerned a lot of others. "I- your grandfather, wouldn't want you getting a reputation for being that kind of girl."

It was taking all of her self control to not grab every glass from the nearest table and hurl them at his head, "You have to be joking. My reputation, really Jordan?"

"You're not that kind of girl and I don't think anyone wants you to be painted as such."

"And what kind of girl is that, exactly?" Crossing her arms firmly against her chest, Odette tilts her head, challenging him with her eyes.

"By being seen out with that kid everyone is going to think you're.. that you're sleeping with him." As the dreaded words finally spill out, he starts to rub circles against his temples as he feels the onslaught of a migraine begin.

A brittle laugh escapes Odette's lips but is immediately stifled as she brings her hands up to cover her mouth. She stays very still for a prolonged pause as she feels his words spinning inside her head. "You're unbelievable, truly." Shaking her head in disgust, she swallows the lump growing in the base of her throat, "You said my grandfather is the one concerned, right? Strange he hasn't mentioned it to me? Perhaps I should go talk to him? In fact, I think I will go and do that. I'm sure he'll be pleased to hear that you're acting like a jealous ex-boyfriend."

Jordan noticeably recoils at her last line, shaking his head adamantly, "That's inappropriate."

"Yeah! It is..." Their eyes meet and she stares at him in complete bewilderment, "Whether I'm sleeping with Chuck or not is no one's goddamn business, least of all yours, got it?"

"You are my business, actually." Jordan is quick to remind her, just as he has many times before, "It's my job to know the happenings of your life."

"Strange. I get your persistence in being up the asses of all the adults in my family. They have public images to uphold and serious professions, and whatnot. But, I don't see you this concerned over 'the happenings' of Coco's life, which makes your singular obsession with me very strange. And I'm sure Pops would think so too." Nodding to herself for a moment, Odette steps closer to him so that he's forced to look at her directly, "Jordan, know your place and stay out of my personal life unless you are directly instructed otherwise. Which I'm willing to venture was not the case in this instance, was it?" his lack of response told her everything she needed to know, "Right." Glancing up over Jordan's shoulder she can see Chuck moving their way, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go screw my dates brains out. Or, maybe I won't. Either way, still none of your business."

As she walks away from Jordan she can feel his eyes boring into her descending frame but she quickly pushes thoughts of their unpleasant interaction away as she meets up with Chuck.

"Hey."

Watching the way his lips curl into a small smirk Odette is transfixed on his mouth for a moment but she tears her eyes away to look up at him through her lashes, "You wanna get out of here, or what?"

Chuck's eyes flicker up Odette's body, twice, before settling back on her face, "Definitely."

Having sex with someone for the first time was such a strange occurrence. Rarely had one, or both, parties been expecting it but one thing leads to another and that's where they end up and unless you're specifically planning the big event out, chances are it happens completely unexpectedly.

Odette fully didn't intend on having sex with Chuck. Rationally, she knew she couldn't. As Jordan had put it, Chuck had a big reputation. He had slept with half of her friend group, and a large number of other girls, and boys, all across Manhattan.

As much as she liked him, in all honesty, she was also completely terrified to sleep with him.

Her biggest fear being that once he got that from her, he'd discard her like he did everyone else. He wasn't the dating type, she knew this, but what they had going was working and she really didn't want to ruin it.

But as he kissed his way down her neck everything in her was yearning for him.

Their clothes were strewn across the floor surrounding Chuck's bed, having been discarded hastily as their initial kiss intensified.

Her hands knowingly found their way to him as she momentarily pulls back to catch her breath. Cupping his face in her hands, her eyes briefly stare into his own as her thumb caresses his cheek gently before they both dip in towards each other once again.

She can feel his hands trace down her frame, hesitating on the dip of her bare waistline before venturing further down. Her breathing becomes much more laborious as his fingers graze across the lace of her underwear before settling on her inner thigh. Inching closer and closer to the warmth radiating from inside her, his lips move from her neck to her collarbone and from there continue to move downward. He leaves small, appreciative, kisses all across her breast, even where her nipples are still covered by the matching lace fabric of her bra.

As his fingers begin to stroke her more vigorously, the lace fabric rubs against her, sending shots of pleasure coursing through her body. Arching her back, a soft moan escapes her lips and she can feel him smirk against her skin - he was clearly pleased with himself.

As one set of fingers works at teasing her, the other fumbles with the clasp of her bra. Once he gets the hooks undone the supportive material falls loose, allowing her breast to spring forward and pull his attention.

Despite wanting nothing more than to bury his head between her full bust, he pulls back from her and takes a moment to study her. His finger drags across her skin torturingly slow as he traces the slopes of her chest.

Having hooked up with as many girls as he had, naked bodies all started to blend and look the same. Big breast, small breast, no breast at all. Voluptuous or board thin. Big nipples, small nipples, dark ones, pink ones. They were different but not enough for him to bother paying much attention. He was usually so focused on getting to the actual sex that he didn't take the time to actually appreciate the body he was bedding, but with Odette, he had to.

He had seen her in intimate forms before, but never like this. He watched, completely entranced, as her chest rose and fell with her breathing.

She was beautiful.

He could tell her that... he wouldn't, but he could.

Closing her eyes, mostly due to nerves, Odette sighs, "Take a picture, it'll last longer."

"Don't tempt me."

She wasn't a virgin and she had definitely been in this exact position on more than one occasion, but something about the way Chuck was looking her over made her feel more exposed than ever. It was almost like her body wasn't the only thing laying bare before him, it was as if the very essence of her soul was there too, on full display for him. All her vulnerabilities and insecurities saying, 'hey, here I am. Take me or leave me...but please choose me. Take me.' It was unnerving and simultaneously thrilling.

She had no doubt he had looked at many before her this same way, but that was the thing about Chuck. Despite knowing his reputation and knowing there were others, in these moments he had the ability to make someone feel like they were the only person that ever existed in his world. He had a way of making you feel completely safe and that's what made him so dangerous.

"Chuck?" She can barely hear her own voice over the sound of her rapidly beating heart, "Can..." It almost felt like her heart was attempting to burst out of her chest cavity.

His eyes settle back on her own as she calls for his attention, "Can...?"

Odette shakes her head in an attempt to clear her own nerves, "I want to have sex with you." She rephrases, waiting for his response before carrying on.

"I want to have sex with you, too." His brows pull together in concentration as he licks his bottom lip, "Weren't we getting there?"

"Yeah, but that's the thing..." she bites at her lower lip for a moment as her nerves threaten to spill out completely, "I want to have sex with you but I think we should wait." She can't even keep eye contact with him at her last point, her gaze dropping to his bare chest. She starts to trace small patterns against his skin, "Please don't be offended, but I would really like you to get tested before we go any further."

"You think I have something? I know it would be expected that someone with a track record like mine would, but I'm clean. I take care of myself."

"I don't think you're some disease-ridden miscreant but I just want to be safe." Sitting up some more, she rests her head against his headboard and closes her eyes briefly, "It's a me issue, it's not just because of you and your 'track record'."

Chuck moves once she does, sitting on the edge of the bed so he can still look at her. His eyes search hers for some type of understanding, "It's not you, it's me. Really?" As Odette buries her head in her own hands, Chuck instinctively reaches out to stroke her head comfortingly, but he hesitates before retracting his hand altogether, "What's up, Swan?"

"Last year, I was seeing someone..."

"Isaac."

"Someone else," she clarifies, "and he gave me chlamydia." Her voice cracks as her body physically fights to repress that word from coming out. She had never said it out loud before, "It's curable and I don't have it anymore. I have test to prove it," she clarifies further, "but still, it was a really demeaning experience and made me feel really bad about myself. I took him at his word and paid the price and I really don't want to go through that again."

A long beat of silence passes between them as Chuck takes her words in fully. He can tell she's doing all she can to avoid eye contact so instead of trying to get her to look at him, he leans in and kisses her shoulder. He appreciated her honesty, respected it even, but he could also see that she didn't need him to acknowledge that specifically. She just needed him to see why this was so important and he did.

"I understand. I'll get tested and we can go from there."

He lays another kiss against her shoulder and his lips linger as he stares down her body. Just like before, he begins to trace her freckles, but this time her clothes aren't there for them to disappear behind and as he moves his finger further down there's nothing to stop him.

He studies the way they group together in some areas and taper off in others, but mostly he's in awe of how many she truly had. There were so many that were hidden every day by her clothes but having her almost all the way naked in his bed gave him the perfect opportunity to take them all in. Her body was a galaxy and her freckles were stars that he wanted to explore, badly.

"We don't have to have sex, but can you lay here like this for just a little longer." His eyes drift from her myriad of freckles back to her face, "I think it's high time the world knows just how far down these go. And by the world, I mean me, obviously."

Odette is surprised by how quickly Chuck moves on from her STI admission. She had half expected him to probe her for more answers or to kick her out of his bed in disgust, but he did neither.

Obliging his request, Odette relaxes back into the bed, "I hate my freckles."

"Oh, I love them."

'Love.'

That was probably the closest she'd ever get to hearing Chuck use the L-word in relation to anything concerning her, but she'd take it. For now.

Just as Chuck begins to stroke his finger across her unblemished skin once more, the ring of someone's cell pierces the air.

Odette groans faintly as she recognizes the familiar sound as the ring of her own phone, "Short pause." She smiles innocently to Chuck before reaching across him to the bedside table in search of her cell. Glancing at the caller ID she rolls her eyes before picking up, "Blair, I'm kind of busy right now. Can this wait till the morning?"

Chuck's entire body goes stiff as he hears Blair's name. Why would she be calling Odette this late at night? Had what he said gotten to her? Had she decided to do the right thing after explicitly coercing him not to?

"Oh my god!"

Hearing the shock in Odettes tone, he rolls over onto his back and stares directly up at his ceiling, expressionless, as he anticipates what's coming.

"Okay. Okay."

Chuck can hear Odette hang up and she immediately gets up off the bed. Propping himself up on his elbows he watches her move around the room in a daze, redressing herself.

So Blair had caved.

Well, it was nice while it lasted.

"Odette, I'm so-"

"Get dressed, hurry." Odette looks over her shoulder at him as she works on pulling her jumpsuit back on, "We need to get to the hospital."

"Hospital?" At this revelation, Chuck walks across the room and spins her around by the small of her waist to look at him and instantly notices the tears threatening to fall, "Whoa, talk to me. What's going on?"

"Nate's dad overdosed and...it doesn't look good. Nate's freaking out, so we really should hurry."

Chuck stops listening to her after the first three words.

'Nate's dad overdosed'

The words replayed again and again in his head but still didn't make any more sense, even with each replay. Chuck moves around the room collecting his articles of clothing and redressing swiftly. As much as he had been all in with Odette mere moments before, at her revelation it felt like he was the only person left in the room. All thoughts of her completely disappeared from his mind as his full focus was turned to Nate.

His dad had overdosed and it didn't look good. No one in their friend group could understand the range of feelings Nate was probably experiencing, no one besides him. He needed to be there to support Nate.

"Let's go."

The waiting room in Lenox Hill smelled like a mixture of rubber, burned coffee, and sterilizing products.

The seats were covered in red pleather that had little to no cushion and were getting more uncomfortable by the minute. The wall farthest from the group had a large, broken, clock hanging on it and with every five ticks it moved forward, it then promptly moved seven back. This had given Serena something to focus on as they all sat in complete silence but it had also thrown off her perception of time and she was starting to feel like they had been sitting here for days.

Serena, Blair, Chuck, and Odette had been sitting here with Nate and Anne Archibald for over an hour and a half and still hadn't received any sort of update on The Captain's well being. They didn't know if he was alive or dead and the anticipation was visibly eating away at Nate as he sat forward in his seat, his elbows propped up on his knees and supporting his chin as his foot tapped furiously against the vinyl flooring.

Blair hadn't left Nate's side the entire night and though she didn't say anything to him she showed her support silently and through touch. Her right arm was draped across him, rubbing different shaped circles into his back and she would only stop this when she took hold of Nate's hand to say prayers for Howard.

Blair Waldorf was not religious by any means, the only thing holy in her book was Chanel, but they all attended Catholic school and she had learned enough prayers during their weekly masses to know what to do.

"Okay, here we go." Dan walks up to the group, juggling two drink carriers of coffee, "It's hot, so be careful." No one besides Anne and Serena takes the coffee but it was the gesture that counted.

After sitting the remaining drinks on a small table closest to where they were all seated, Dan moves to take his seat next to Serena. Wrapping an arm around her he relaxes against her body as she curls up against him.

Turning her head, she brings her lips directly to his ear and whispers, "Thank you for being here."

He doesn't say anything, he doesn't need to, but he does lean in to plant a comforting kiss on her forehead.

Dan was a good guy, better than she deserved. The way he dropped everything to be here for her and her friends, half of whom were downright nasty towards him, said a lot about his character.

And knowing what a good guy he was and still having the audacity to feel some type of way about Nate said a lot about hers.

It was more complicated than just that, of course, but she wished it wasn't. She cared about Dan a lot but recent events had definitely sparked up some of her residual feelings for Nate. He was with Blair though and she refused to go down that road again, so she'd just have to do what she could to ignore it.

But, as she leaned against Dan's body she watched Nate, so clearly in distress, and wanted nothing more than to be the one to comfort him through this.

It was hard to explain but her love for Nate ran so deep. They had been through so much together, more than what even he or anyone else might realize. Maybe she didn't want to really be with him, but she felt a strong connection to him that she doubted would ever fully go away. As much as she liked and cared for Dan, part of her did question if she could ever feel as strongly for him as she did... had, with Nate

Odette was seated directly across from Nate and Blair, and like Serena, she had been watching their subtle interactions all night. It was blatant to anyone with eyes that worked that Blair was completely in love with Nate. Her concern for him was clear in her eyes and her tenderness was obvious by the way she caressed him, constantly. Whether she was comforting him or praying with him, Blair's hands never left Nate's body. It was a constant reminder that he wasn't alone and served as a sense of protection from everything they didn't currently know.

It was easy to not take Nate and Blair's relationship very seriously when they clearly had so many issues, but in moments like this, it was also easy to remember what had brought them together in the beginning - love.

Looking around the room, Odette notices that Chuck isn't where she had last seen him by the magazine rack. Standing up, she stretches a little and feels the muscles in her back tighten in pain from sitting for too long. As she twists her body in an effort to pop her back she spots Chuck down the hall, staring blankly out of a large glass window.

He had been in his own head since she told him the news and aside from the minimal conversations he had with both Nate and Anne, he had remained completely silent and withdrawn from everyone.

"Hey..." She reaches out and runs her hand across his arm, "You okay?"

"I don't really like hospitals." He explains, looking at her for a moment before turning his focus back to the window.

It was true. Hospitals had always made him uncomfortable. They smelled like death and regardless of how much they tried to cover it up, he could always catch the scent of it all over.

Anytime he was reminded of death his mind went right back to that day and as those thoughts swallowed him all he could see was the image of Evelyn's dangling body. He immediately rubs at his eyes as if to try to erase the image, he had been trying to for years now, but to no prevail.

This wasn't about him, or his dead mother though. This was about Nate. He knew that and wanted to be here to support his friend but he was having a harder time than he had anticipated he would.

Chuck was clearly struggling and despite wanting to say something, she didn't know what the right thing to say to him was. So, instead of trying to find the right words she follows Blair's lead and says nothing, but she does take his hand in hers. Once she notices Chuck staring at their intertwined fingers she shrugs, "Were not at school or in public, really," she gestures to the mostly dead hallway, "I think it's okay for us to hold hands."

"I wasn't objecting." He shakes his head at her before staring back out the window, "Thanks, Swan."

"For what?"

He's quiet for some time before responding, but when he does, he says it as if it's the most simple explanation in the world. The most obvious one too, "For everything."

And there we have it!

This was yet another colossal of an update but considering the positive feedback I received from the last chapter, in regards to the length, I figured most of you wouldn't mind. Interestingly enough this entire chapter wasn't in my original story plans but the next chapter is a big one (plot-wise) and I really felt like I needed to develop certain relationships and plot points further before diving into *all* that. A small, shameless, reminder that you can get a sneak peek of what's coming with the next update by heading over to gilded . ff and watching the promo video!

I want to quickly note that there are similarities between the writing of Blair and Odette's bedroom moments with Chuck. This was completely intentional and I actually hope you guys did notice some of those similarities. Mainly in how they both talk about how Chuck makes them feel in those moments, this is important... Though, I also was trying to show key differences to help highlight the different levels of intimacy. For example, during Blair's excerpt, almost the entire scene is solely from her perspective, her inner-dialogue, etc. With Chuck and Odette, I really tried to focus on both of them so we can see that it's not one-sided and it really wasn't meant to read as strictly sexual, but rather intimate? I sure hope that translated the way I wanted it to at least lol.

I always am so nervous my updates won't be strong or well-done/entertaining, so hopefully, you all enjoyed this. Especially after I made you wait so long... I promise I won't leave you all hanging with this next update.

Thank you for reading this far and thank you for supporting me and this story. I can't stress enough how passionate I am about this character and her story and I can not wait for you guys to see what's going to happen next.