Hi...
I'm holding my head in shame, trust me. I know, it's been *way* too long since the last update and for that, I am truly sorry. Life and everything else does tend to get in the way but I still need to make a better effort at posting more regularly. At least I'm self-aware enough to realize this is a 'me-issue', right? On a more serious note though, those of you that have shown this story, and in turn, me, such wonderful support deserve the consideration of more timely updates. Plus, there is still a lot of story to be told here and I want to get it posted before people lose all interest (if they haven't already - it has been seven months, which is absolutely criminal!) I made the point to not post this chapter until I was at least halfway through the next so my goal moving forward is to try to update every two weeks, if possible. I can not promise that will always be the case, but it's my goal and it will definitely be a thing for the next chapter since I'm on schedule to finish that throughout the rest of this week.
You all deserve better and I want to be better!
I am so deeply touched by the support I continue to receive for this story and I never want to seem ungrateful for any of that. Follows and favorites completely make my day and I absolutely love getting to read through all of the thoughts and reactions in the reviews as this story progresses. It means so much to me that I have had a few consistent readers (and reviewers) and I truly hope I convey enough just how much each of you positively impacts my writing process and furthermore, how much I appreciate each and every person that has given this story a chance and never looked back.
Finally, I want to address my characterization of Blair (I literally have a new trigger warning on this chapter because of this character) I feel like because I'm writing an OC it can seem like I'm making other characters worse to make my character look better. I can assure you that is never my intention. Blair is my favorite canon character and I am really trying to capture the essence of Season 1 Blair - vulnerable, mean, but at her core misunderstood. Up until this point, she has seemed like a villain, and she is, but none of these characters are innocent and you will see that more as we continue. Please, *please* trust the process and trust that I am trying to accurately represent all of these characters. Basically, I truly feel that everything Blair has done so far in this story and will continue to do, is in character for her but I hope all of you think that too.
WARNING:
VULGAR LANGUAGE, SEX, TEENAGE ALCOHOL AND DRUG USE, BELOVED CHARACTERS ACTING SUPER SELFISH
WARNINGS WILL BE AT THE START OF ALL CHAPTERS.
All rights to 'Gossip Girl'; plots and characters belong to the author Cecily Von Ziegesar as well as TV Producers Josh Schwartz & Stephanie Savage. I only claim ownership of my original characters and while they are part of the Rockefeller family, and mentions of their infamy and status will be made, any mentions of the family are purely fictional. None of the characters are meant to accurately represent the actual Rockefeller family.
"But nothing makes a room feel emptier than wanting someone in it."
[NP: Nothing Breaks Like a Heart - Mark Ronson ft. Miley Cyrus]
" This world can hurt you
It cuts you deep and leaves a scar
Things fall apart, but nothing breaks like a heart "
[Tuesday, 11:13 A.M.]
The flight from New York to Dubrovnik was hell. The Bass jet was luxurious and seemed spacious enough, but being stuck in a confined space with a group of people for over twelve hours would make anyone go a bit crazy.
It was a necessary sacrifice though.
No one needed this escape from everyday life as much as Blair did and although she knew the whole point of the trip was to get everyone distanced from Odette, she was easily regretting bringing the girls along. Still fairly on edge from her confrontation with Odette and exhausted from how quickly she had to come up with their escape plan, Blair had very little energy or patience left to deal with the others.
Thankfully, once they landed on Sunday, everyone was so jetlagged and exhausted that they pretty much slept the rest of the day and kept to themselves most of Monday as well. Now that everyone was fully rested, it was time for their vacation to start, and since Chuck had been the one to arrange all of this everyone was looking to him for some details or an itinerary or anything, productive, really. Unfortunately, Chuck had been on a self-destructive bender from the moment they touched foot on foreign ground, leaving most of the planning and leadership in Blair's hands - go figure.
"So, what's the plan for today, B?"
Currently, Blair and Serena were sprawled across adjacent chaise loungers, sipping skinny margaritas and trying to achieve the perfect golden tan. Blair did not appreciate the unwanted interruption from Is but she had also been expecting it and was therefore prepared, "My plan is to drink a lot more of these," she shakes her, nearly empty, glass in the girl's direction, "Get some decent tanning done and then tonight I'm thinking nine o'clock dinner at Dubravka and we can hit up Culture Club after?"
Pleased enough with this answer, the three girls swim off in the direction of the swim-up bar to order another round of drinks and start discussing potential looks for their first big night out on the town.
Behind the dark lenses of her Dior sunglasses, Blair carefully shifts her gaze from the girls retreating figures to the rest of the poolside seating. She stealthily begins to scan the area in search of a certain someone.
"Chuck's not down here."
Serena mentions this so matter of factly that Blair is temporarily caught off guard before she can convincingly feign confusion, "I wasn't looking for Chuck."
"Okay."
Just by the tone of her voice, Blair can tell Serena isn't buying the indifference that she's attempting to sell. The all too familiar sense of annoyance at her bluff being called starts to bubble up within her. Instead of letting it linger and swell, she tries to change the subject, "Were you ever able to get ahold of Dan?"
Serena takes a sip from her own drink before sighing in an overly defeated manner, "He finally took my call but he didn't have much to say to me. He said we'd talk when I get back. Which doesn't sound promising."
"I don't understand why he was so upset with you in the first place? This situation had nothing to do with him but leave it to Humphrey to get himself involved."
Nodding in agreement, Serena knows Blair is right. Partially. Yes, this situation had nothing to do with Dan and it was just like him to get himself involved, but unlike in Blair's case, Serena didn't see this as a negative. Dan had involved himself because that's exactly the kind of person he was and the kind of heart he had. He was a good person. Better than her and better than most of them. Dan getting involved went against his own, possible, best interest which is probably why his actions seemed so bizarre to someone like Blair, who was notorious for always only looking out for number one - herself.
Not that Serena could argue she was any better. Just like Blair, she had done shitty things and created elaborate stories and ruses to evade being caught. The same could be said for most people in their circle of friends which is why someone like Dan seemed like such a breath of fresh air and now she had possibly ruined it just as things were really getting started.
Having stayed quiet long enough, Serena finally responds to Blair's previous point, "Yeah, I mean nobody is perfect. It's wrong to expect that of anyone, I think."
"I agree." Under any other circumstance, she wouldn't which was possibly the most obvious sign that Blair was willing to come up with any excuse to alleviate her growing guilt in an effort to make herself feel better.
Blair had gone through life perched on a high horse, looking down on everyone and everything. She saw her own imperfections very clearly, but she paraded herself around as if she was perfect and better than so that other people would think of her that way too. Now she was feeling the weight of the consequences that ultimately come with this illusion of herself being tarnished. She had majorly screwed things up and the fear of what it could ultimately cost her was putting her more on edge with each passing day.
"How does Nate seem to you?" Serena nervously runs her finger along the rim of her glass, knocking the salt off. She practically holds her breath as she waits for Blair's response. Even with her own pair of tinted glasses on she couldn't bring herself to even look at Blair as she brought him up so instead, she watches as the minuscule white powder from her drink falls onto her toned stomach.
Nate.
The mention of him stirred up a mix of emotions between both girls.
On the one hand, Serena was still processing that she had genuine, lingering feelings for him - even after all this time. On the other, she knew how important he was to Blair and wanted to do what she could to fix their relationship. She felt like she owed them that after the issues she, herself, had caused in the past. Having said that, however, there was a small part of her that realized she could cause even more issues for them now if she wanted to. She could easily fill Nate in on what's been going on and of course, he'd believe her.
She couldn't do that though.
Or rather, she wouldn't at least.
But she could, and there was a small part of her that appreciated having that in her pocket if the time ever came where she really needed it.
Blair had been so focused on keeping Odette and Nate in the dark that she never allowed herself time to really discuss what had happened with Chuck. Sure, she told Serena the basic details but other than that, she did prefer to try and pretend like that night never happened. Now that Odette knew, Blair's focus had switched to keeping Odette at a distance and keeping Nate happy and in the dark. In all honesty, she was getting exhausted. Even before all this drama, it's not like they had a wonderful, smooth-sailing relationship. There was always something or someone in the way of that and it had been so long since she had the opportunity to just enjoy being with him when there wasn't the threat of something else looming - a breakup, a fight, his cheating, her cheating...or better yet, her best friend, his best friend.
In truth, their relationship was more of a mess than it ever had been and because he was so oblivious to what happened and what was still happening, he had absolutely no idea.
"He's great. Definitely doesn't suspect anything."
"Well, that's good!" Finally looking over at Blair, Serena is quick to notice her friend doesn't seem nearly as enthused by this, "...isn't it?"
"I suppose. I mean, I certainly wouldn't want the opposite to be true." Blair watched as Serena's eyebrows furrowed in obvious confusion. She knew she wasn't making any sense and she wasn't sure she even really understood it but, part of her wondered how relieving it would feel to have everything out in the open. No more secrets, no more lies, and no more shame.
"Can I ask you something?" Looking at Serena, once she gets a nod, she continues, "Why did you sleep with Nate?"
"Oh!" Serena can feel her cheeks start to warm up from embarrassment and she instinctively reaches for her drink, "I don't think we're nearly drunk enough for this."
"No, come on, S, please? You and I are so far past all that now. I want to know."
Serena had never been so grateful that they were both wearing sunglasses because if she had to look into Blair's eyes while having this conversation she probably would have broken down from the guilt and embarrassment of it all. "I don't know, B. I mean, it's Nate." She says this as if that makes everything so obvious and maybe it should have, but Blair doesn't say anything in return and instead waits for her to elaborate, "Nate's a great guy and he was- is, a great friend. I had been with so many losers that didn't care about me but I knew Nate did so that made it feel safe and I guess, in a weird way, seeing how much you loved him made me aware that I'd never felt anything like that before and I wanted to experience something like that?"
In truth, Serena had been craving and chasing the feeling of being loved for so long that she typically settled for whatever she could get in the hopes it would blossom into more. Nate was the only guy she had ever loved in a pure way. With every other guy, she wanted to show love to, and in turn be loved by, she gave herself to them physically. To her, that exchange was an exchange of affection. Which is what made it so easy to go there with Nate. She loved him, even if just as a friend - at the time, and when you love someone you have sex with them. That was her love language. It was fucked but it's all she knew and she didn't know how to begin explaining this logic to anyone, let alone Blair.
"That's gross." Despite wanting to know, Blair couldn't hide her disapproval of Serena's honesty.
The disgust that dripped from her friend's tongue made Serena's mouth fall agape, "Wh-what? You asked, Blair! You can't say that."
"I just did." Folding her arms firmly across her chest, Blair's posture continues to grow rigid as the conversation intensifies.
Narrowing her eyes, Serena tries to bite her tongue but ultimately lets it slip, "No, I mean you really can't. In case you've forgotten, you and I are more alike these days than we ever have been."
The reminder stung. It was a sharp, painful, reminder of her own transgression. Ultimately, the person Blair was most upset with was herself but she would never admit that, so instead she was pinning all her frustration on the easiest target, and in this specific instance, that was Serena.
"Well, none of us would be in this position if you hadn't spread your legs for my boyfriend in the first place. What? The hundreds of other guys you'd been with weren't enough? You just had to have Nate too? He wasn't for you, Serena!"
If she didn't know any better, Serena would assume they had traveled back in time. The two girls hadn't talked about the Nate situation since they initially made up at the start of the year but everything Blair was proclaiming to be upset about now, had been apologized for by Serena, back then. Clearly, just as she had been struggling with her own unresolved feelings about the situation with Nate, Blair was still dealing with her own myriad of different but similar issues.
However, while Serena could be sensitive to her best friend's plight, right now she was feeling extremely looked down on and that made her angry. If Blair wasn't holding back, neither would she. Pushing her sunglasses to the top of her head, she sits up so that she can directly face Blair before speaking.
"And Chuck wasn't for you, Blair."
She doesn't immediately continue, wanting to let Blair feel the full weight of that statement.
Unlike Serena, Blair refuses to remove her glasses and is extra grateful for the added tint as Serena's words cut deep. She can feel tears begin to swell and immediately sucks in her cheeks to begin subtly gnawing at the soft, exposed, tissue. The pain that came with the threat of breaking skin, distracted her enough to keep the tears at bay for now.
"And none of us would be here if it weren't for you wanting to literally run away from your problems. I mean, what are we even doing here? What is your master plan? Great, you managed to separate Nate and Odette for the time being but what happens when we're back in New York? What happens when we're back at school and you don't have twenty-four-seven access to him anymore? Or have you even thought that far ahead?"
Normally, a question like that would be ridiculous. This was Blair Waldorf after all and she was a master of the scheme. She was always several steps ahead of everyone else but even Serena, as clueless as she could be, could see the obvious flaws in this particular plan.
"So maybe it wasn't my best plan to date but I didn't have a lot of time to think of anything better."
This was true.
Everything had fallen apart so quickly at Cotillion. The chaos of it all was suffocating and she went for the quick fix and escape rather than working out a legitimate plan to ensure her long-term success in maneuvering her way out of this predicament. In the process, she had likely pissed off Odette even more and she now really had no idea of what they would all be returning to once back in the city. Her only hope was that this trip would strengthen her relationship with Nate to the point that even if Odette did try to fill him in on what happened, he would doubt what she was saying. He'd believe his beautiful and honest, long-term girlfriend whom he loves. She was banking on that, and it wasn't at all a sure thing, so of course, she was still worried.
She also was still harboring a lot of resentment towards herself for allowing this to become a situation in the first place. She should have never slept with Chuck. It was making her life complicated in more ways than anyone could even begin to understand, even herself.
Blair stares at Serena in silence for a moment before asking, "Do you regret it? Be honest."
"Of course!" The lie spills out of Serena's mouth so easily. As Blair stares at her, Serena feels her nerves intensify. Could she tell she was lying? They had been friends for so long and she had seen Serena lie plenty of times, was it possible Blair had picked up on her cues? Desperate to remove the spotlight from herself, she shifts it in Blair's direction once again, "Do you regret it? Sleeping with Chuck."
Blair winces at the fact Serena felt the need to clarify the question with her second statement.
As if there could be anyone else.
As if Blair didn't know exactly who she was referring to.
And it was a stupid question. After all the drama it had brought to her life, of course she regretted it.
However, there was a small, very small, part of her that felt a twinge of longing anytime she thought back to that night. She had never in her life felt the way that she did in that moment with Chuck and she'd be lying if she said there wasn't something in her still actively seeking out that feeling. She wanted to feel that desire and intensity with Nate. She loved the intimacy, craved it even, but despised the fact it was Chuck Bass that had made her feel those things.
Maybe that was all her relationship with Nate needed. Maybe them sleeping together would finally really bring them closer together and maybe this trip was the perfect excuse to do it.
Looking over to Serena, Blair nods solemnly, "Of course! Of course, I regret it."
The lie spills out of her mouth so easily.
Since Blair's birthday, the guilt over what happened had never been far from Chuck's mind. However, he had finally reached a certain level with Odette which kept him distracted from the thought of all that could go wrong if the truth of his actions were to come out.
No one expected Chuck to have genuine feelings for someone, and it's not as though he had a lot to base the experience on, but what he felt for Odette was as real as anything. Hurting her, and in the process, losing her did something to him. Her absence felt heavy and he desperately wanted to avoid that but also couldn't run far enough away from it.
Even in Croatia, so far from where his problems existed, she was everywhere. Every blonde that passed by resembled her, even if just for a brief moment. Anytime he closed his eyes, all he could see was the hurt and betrayal on her face when she connected the dots that night. Even looking at Coco for too long triggered thoughts of her. All of it was haunting and daunting in all the worst ways.
Chuck had learned from a young age how to suppress his unpleasant feelings. This was far from a healthy coping skill but it's all he knew. Growing up, heart-to-heart discussions were hardly a thing in the Bass household. Bart Bass wasn't exactly carving time out of his day to talk about feelings with his young son. Not even when, given the circumstances, he probably should have. Now Chuck was a barely functioning teenager who refused to feel anything negative and so instead of facing that he did everything he could to drown those feelings out. On this trip, in particular, that meant getting wasted to the point he felt nothing at all.
Slamming his glass down against the hard surface of the bar, Chuck wipes away some of the brown liquid that didn't quite make it into his mouth, "Let's make the next one a double."
"It's not even noon yet, maybe you should slow it down a bit?"
Chuck scoffs at this suggestion. Back home, the staff at his father's hotel never spoke to him in this manner and they certainly never cut him off, "Do they pay you to give opinions or pour drinks? Do your job." Pulling out cash from his wallet, he begins to throw various bills in the bartender's direction.
This is the scene Nate walks in on as he finally joins Chuck at one of the hotel's indoor bars.
Quite the opposite of his best friend, Nate had spent most of the early morning hours in a more productive manner down at the gym. Even on vacation, Nate didn't have it within himself to slack on his usual exercise regimen. Not that anyone here even knew his regular schedule and no one was exactly holding him accountable for a missed workout, but ultimately Nate knew what was expected of him by his teammates, coaches, and parents, and he couldn't disappoint them. After his intense gym session, and a hot shower, the rest of the morning was spent looking for Chuck across the expansive hotel lot. Once he finally stumbled across him, he realized Chuck was in far worse shape than he had been anticipating. Glancing down at his own Rolex, he's even more surprised by Chuck's inebriated state at this time of day.
"Chuck, buddy," reaching the bar, Nate grabs his friend by the shoulder to get his attention but he's taken back as Chuck turns to him with a flash of anger in his already dark eyes. For a moment, he is almost positive that Chuck is going to attempt to take a swing on him, but once the realization hits, Chuck relaxes a bit. "What are you doing?"
"This fucking loser, won't get me another drink. It's not even noon yet and he's already cutting me off!"
As he spoke, Chuck moved his hands in an erratic manner. Aggressively gesturing between himself and the bartender.
The exasperated third party turns to Nate at this point with a look of desperation, "I realize it's not noon yet but your friend has been down here since eight this morning and when he sat at my bar he already reeked of scotch."
"God forbid I enjoy myself on my vacation, right? Forget it," Glancing down at the bartender's name tag for the first time Chuck scoffs once more, "Goran, is it? Goran the moron, that's truly fitting." Chuck bites out, pushing himself away from the bar roughly. The legs of the barstool drag across the flooring, creating a terrible screeching noise in response.
Nate takes hold of Chuck's shoulder once more, this time to keep him from toppling over, "I'll take it from here, thank you."
"Yeah, thanks!" Chuck laughs a bit at this before shooting both his middle fingers in the bartender's direction, "Dobar dan."
Goran, a local, obviously knew this traditional Croatian greeting was meant with none of the kindness or sincerity that it was intended to carry. Grateful that this other American had shown up and was wheeling the drunk away, he decides to not engage any further and waves the two men off, "Dobar dan... dickhead."
Once Nate and Chuck make it out of the bar and into the main lobby, Chuck shrugs away from Nate's grasp. Although meant to help him keep his balance, at this moment it only felt constricting.
Studying his inebriated friend, Nate quickly recalls how angry Chuck had been when he hadn't come to his defense with Dan Humphrey, a practical stranger to them, so he could only imagine how pissed off Chuck would be now that he hadn't defended him to an actual stranger.
"Hey, I'm sorry for not having your back in there but you-"
Chuck doesn't even give Nate the opportunity to finish this thought, "You don't need to apologize to me." If anyone, between the two of them, needed to apologize it was Chuck but he couldn't and wouldn't. However, in the meantime, he also wasn't in a place to be accepting apologies from Nate of all people.
"What's going on with you man? This behavior seems extreme, even for you." The concern behind Nate's eyes was clear but Chuck was refusing to keep eye contact with him for long and likely was unaware.
"It's nothing, I'm fine."
"Is this about Odette?"
He probably should have thought of a more tactful way to broach the subject.
No one had really mentioned Odette since Blair's phone call with her on the plane and he had thought it was weird that she didn't want to join them but knowing that and now witnessing Chuck's self-destructive behavior, it was easy for him to piece together what was going on with his friend. "What happened with you two anyway?"
"Whose that?" Despite intending it as a joke, when Nate's concerned expression doesn't falter in the slightest, Chuck rolls his eyes in agitation. "Nothing happened." a blatant lie. "Nothing that you wouldn't have already expected from me, anyway." That one wasn't a complete lie. Chuck had screwed up in a way that any one of them could have anticipated. However, as for who he made the screw-up with... well, what Nate didn't know, couldn't hurt him. At least, that's what he kept telling himself.
"Regardless, this has nothing to do with her because there is nothing going on with me. I already said I'm fine. Look, Nathaniel, everyone has different ideas as to what constitutes fun. For the girls, that's tanning and swimming and whatever the fuck else they do with their day. For me, it's indulging. You know this about me already so don't act so surprised."
Nate wasn't completely convinced but he also had been friends with Chuck long enough to know prying would get him nowhere. He knew not to press his friend for more information but his concern for Chuck was still unwavering so instead of letting this go completely, he decides to make the point of keeping a closer eye on him, "Well, can't drink at that bar anymore so where to next?"
Cortney and Kati had managed to sneak away from the rest of the group for an hour and were enjoying some much-needed alone time up in the suite.
They had been making out for at least half an hour but anytime Kati tried to progress things, Cortney would pull away from her touch. Finally, exasperated, Kati comments on it.
"Why do you keep doing that? Are you nervous or something?"
People tended to write Kati and Is off as airheads but Cortney knew neither girl was truly as unaware as some might suspect. That's why they tended to always be in the know. They caught onto everything. Especially Kati. If she wanted to, if she cared enough, she could detect even the smallest change in someone's mannerisms and in this case, that was Cortney's.
"I just haven't really..."
"Done this before?" Kati finishes her sentence, a glimmer of amusement in her eyes. "So, you'll let Chuck and Benji do whatever they want to you. But for me, someone who has actual feelings for you, that's off-limits?" Kati's tone is soft and she adds a small laugh to the end of her statement in an effort to keep the conversation light.
If Kati knew the truth of the situation she'd understand how hurtful that was for Cortney to hear. She had let Benji do whatever he wanted to her. She had barely fought him off at all. Thoughts of him and that night, and the feelings it spurred within her made her instantly feel like she was sinking. Trying desperately to not let herself go to that place, Cortney focuses all her attention on Kati - studying every detail of her from her deep green eyes, to her porcelain-like skin and even the way her chest rises and falls with every breath. She focuses on imitating Kati's breathing pattern until they are in perfect sync and she slowly feels settled back into this moment, far, far away from that night and him.
Watching as Kati props herself up on her elbows and stares down at her, she remembers this all started with an innocent enough, question. She was still waiting for an explanation that Cortney wasn't in the place to be able to give. Realizing this, Kati's face drops in disappointment, but as she attempts to turn away, Cortney reaches out to stop her from moving.
"I've never had feelings like this for someone, especially not a girl..." as she speaks, she can feel her cheeks flush in slight embarrassment at this admittance, "This is all so new to me and I'm trying to figure it all out still."
"I mean, me too. Trust me, if I think about it for too long I could completely talk myself out of it."
It was true. Oftentimes, especially late at night when she couldn't manage to relax enough to fall asleep, Kati was consumed by thoughts of what could happen if any of this was ever exposed. She'd likely lose her status and to a degree, all her friends. None of them were blatantly ignorant, or homophobic, but this reveal would still change everything. Every girl she knew wanted a gay best friend until that best friend was a lesbian. Suddenly, every innocent interaction she had ever had with any of her girlfriends would be made into something perverted on her part. Beyond her social standing, her home life would be wrecked as well.
Her family was every bit the traditional, if not stereotypical, Chinese-American family when it came to their work ethic and expectations. However, Kati's part-Hungarian father also immigrated to the States from Israel, and in turn, her entire family practiced Orthodox Judaism. Throughout the years they had become less devout in their practices but her father still maintained his conservative views, especially when it came to same-sex relationships. Her mother and father had such high expectations of her and in their closed-minded ways, they would assume that her sexuality would only get in the way and ruin everything for her.
And maybe there was some truth to that, she didn't really know but she also wasn't prepared to find out.
Still, she liked Cortney a lot. More than she had ever expected to and she also wasn't willing to lose out on the opportunity of exploring things further with her. It would just have to be done in secret.
"Do you remember the first time we met?"
At this sudden change of subject, Cortney looks at Kati bemused, "Yeah, at Blair's last summer?"
"No." Kati shakes her head and lets out a small laugh, "We actually met at your house, once before that. Is and I had stopped by with Blair to hang out with your sister. We were sophomores and you were only in the eighth grade so Odette wouldn't let you hang out with us but I remember seeing you that first time and thinking, wow... I already knew I liked girls at that point but you were still pretty young so I immediately felt like a total creeper and pushed those thoughts away." Kati briefly covers her face out of embarrassment over this confession, "But then you popped around again last summer, and the more I got to know you the more into you I was. Then you started talking about Chuck so much that I just assumed you were boy-crazy like Is. So, despite my attraction to you, I never really let my mind fully go there. Then when we kissed for the first time at Blair's party I got scared. I'm still scared." At this point, Kati looks down, almost ashamed of this fact, before forcing herself to look back at Cortney as she finishes, "This is all new to me and I'm trying to figure it all out, too but I really like you Coco and I do want to be with you."
Listening to Kati's vulnerability as she completely opens herself up to her, Cortney is stunned by the honesty and won over by the realization that Kati had been pining for this just as long as she had been. Longer, even.
Despite how complicated things had been for them since the incident at Blair's birthday and leading up to this point, at this moment, the answer to it all seemed so clear. Maybe it always had been just that easy.
"I want to be with you, too."
Their small smiles grow into wider grins as the two girls stare at one another with expressions that could only ever be described as loving, before leaning in to solidify this next step with a long kiss. After a moment, Cortney pulls back to add, "But, I do want to take things a little slow. If that's okay?"
Despite her previous disappointment at not being able to take a more physical approach with Coco, now that all their cards were out on the table and she knew they were definitely on the same page as far as genuine feelings went, Kati didn't feel the pressure she did before to consummate things.
"Whatever you need."
"Come on, one more!"
Repressing the urge to hiccup, Nate stares at Chuck in bewilderment. "You said one more like four beers ago. I'm tapped out, man."
After being cut off at the hotel, Chuck had convinced Nate to venture into the city with him to explore some of the local bars. They had found one that was mostly desolate, except for a scattered few locals, and had been throwing back drink after drink since. At this point, Nate was already drunk and it was time to head back to the hotel and get ready for their night out with the girls.
No doubt, Blair was going to be furious with him for getting this trashed before even going out. At this thought, he waves down the bartender and asks for two large glasses of water.
Watching the bartender shovel ice into glasses and pour water into them, Chuck rolls his eyes, "Speak for yourself." He was annoyed that his friend refused to keep up with him. He was having a great time and unlike Nate, he wasn't looking for that to come to an end anytime soon.
"If you're going to be this boring the whole trip, I'll just need to go make new friends." Pushing away from the bar top, Chuck begins to shuffle around the room in search of better entertainment.
Figuring he was on the prowl for some companionship, Nate shakes his head as he downs the first glass of water. Sliding the glass intended for Chuck across the bartop and closer to him, he watches as Chuck approaches each of the bar's patrons - most of which were not in fact women. Being friends with Chuck as long as he had been, Nate was well aware of his inclination to go both ways. Also being someone that was extremely secure in himself, and accepting of all people, this was never something that had bothered Nate as it might bother other guys - especially immature, teenage ones. However, when they were typically out together Chuck only ever pursued women so it was slightly out of the ordinary to see him only approaching men.
Unbeknownst to Nate, Chuck was on the prowl but not in search of sex. The release he was seeking was less of a physical variant.
Alcohol could only get him so far and distract him so much. If he could have it his way, he didn't even want to feel like a real person. At least not for several hours. Chuck wanted drugs and hard ones at that.
However, each person he approached seemed to want little to do with him and rebuffed him each time. Luck was just not seeming to be on his side. Call it karma, maybe. Just as he's ready to give up and head back over to where Nate is still seated, happily drinking his water, Chuck catches a man in the corner trying to get his attention. Despite realizing he was a foreigner in an unfamiliar city and that approaching strange men could get him in some trouble, right now Chuck didn't care. He wanted what he wanted and was willing to do whatever was necessary to achieve those wants. Regardless of how potentially dangerous it could be.
Looking over his shoulder, Nate watches in trepidation as Chuck converses with a shady-looking man in the corner of the bar. After a moment, he watches as Chuck pulls out a stack of cash and slides it across the table to the man, who, in turn, slides something over to Chuck. From this distance, Nate wasn't able to get a clear look at what it was but knowing Chuck, he could assume the worst.
[Wednesday, 2:30 P.M.]
Everyone had been out the night prior until the early hours of the morning and in turn, had been moving extra slow today. Blair had arranged to rent out one of the private poolside cabanas for the day and had told everyone to meet there for lunch. Unlike the rest of her friends, Blair had not gotten wasted the night before and was up and moving at a far more reasonable time. She was never one to really cut loose in that way and now she had the added pressure of feeling like she couldn't trust herself while under the influence. Her biggest fear was that her drunk self would expose all the secrets her sober self was working so hard to bury.
Still, it was absolutely no fun having to be around a bunch of intoxicated people while completely sober but these were the sacrifices she was willing to make given her situation.
Considering the state she had last seen everyone in, it really shouldn't have surprised Blair that everyone hadn't managed to meet her at the previously established time. However, as annoyed as she was by their lack of punctuality she could also somewhat appreciate the time alone with herself to really think everything over. Even as Nate, Serena, and the girls started to finally show up and find their place at the table, Blair was struggling to stay focused on the group's conversation as her mind kept drifting to the same place it always did.
The drama between her and Chuck was all-consuming to her at this point but she was forced to put on a secure, brave face around her friends. When left to her own devices though she was able to feel it all and while that part of it was brutal she also figured that facing it somewhat head-on was the only way to figure out a real plan of action for moving forward. This time away, isolated from the mess she left behind in Manhattan, was only going to last so long. Eventually, they would all be back home and around Odette and she needed to figure out a way to keep her in line before she exposed everything to Nate at the first opportunity.
Blackmail felt like a harsh way to go about things but it was also her only, practical option at this point. Besides, all-powerful figures throughout history had resorted to something along the lines of extortion. Maybe that wasn't the specific word they used but the delivery was essentially the same. Order needed to not only be established but stay kept. Sometimes people needed that extra incentive to do so and Blair was never one to back down from giving anyone that added push in the right direction - her direction. Furthermore, she had already taken things this far and really couldn't afford to backtrack now. So, a push it would be. In her direction or down some stairs, the choice was entirely up to Odette.
The later thought, however far-fetched, brought the faintest smile to Blair's otherwise stoic features.
She had been running different scenarios in her head all day and trying to establish what she could dangle over Odette's head to keep her in check, but ultimately she was struggling to come up with anything significant.
For as close as the two girls had been, Blair was currently struggling to recall anything profound about the younger blonde.
She knew the basics of who Odette was as a person but what about those parts of herself that she kept hidden from the world, including her so-called 'best friend'. For Blair, her secret shames were things like Nate's habitual cheating, her disordered eating, and most recently, her dalliance with one Chuck Bass. She knew enough about the people she surrounded herself with to know that they all had secrets. After all, if she wasn't perfect then clearly there was no hope for a single one of them. The current challenge she was faced with was, first, trying to determine what possible skeletons Odette had hidden amongst the vintage designer in her closet, and second, how she was supposed to figure those secrets out before touching back down on American soil. Adding even further stress to the situation, Blair also needed to find a way to truly solidify her relationship with Nate.
They needed to head into this New Year, and back to New York, closer and stronger than ever before. Their bond needed to be practically untouchable.
After her conversation with Serena the day before she was pretty certain she knew what she needed to do but considering they were sharing a suite with all their friends and everyone else seemed to only want to party all hours of the day and night, Nate wasn't exactly up to performing once the two of them were finally left alone.
"Fuck, it's hot!"
Blair is immediately pulled from her thoughts as Chuck's boisterous interruption causes her to lurch forward in her seat from shock.
"Whose genius idea was it to eat lunch out here? We do realize there are restaurants inside the hotel, yeah?"
As Chuck continues to complain it becomes clear that he is trashed by the way his words slur together. As he moves around the already cramped cabana to take the empty seat next to Serena, he roughly stumbles into Kati and Cortney and practically lands in the laters lap.
"Ugh, Chuck! Watch it." Offering him a more gentle push than he probably deserves, Cortney is able to get him off of her with ease before pulling out his seat for him, "Please sit down and stop talking so loud. I have a splitting headache."
"And I'm sure the heat is really helping with that. Again, this idea blows." He drags out the last word for dramatic effect, as he leans back in his chair, folding his arms across his chest like that of a defiant child.
If he wasn't so inebriated, he would easily sense the daggers Blair was throwing his way as she stared at him with a mixture of hatred and disgust. This was the person she had risked everything for? This was the guy that had cost her, her friendship with Odette and could possibly cost her, her relationship with Nate? It was beyond pathetic and worse, she felt embarrassed for allowing herself to ever end up in this predicament. Chuck Bass was not worth it. Regardless of how good he might have made her feel in the moment, this was the real him, a wasted, sloppy, asshole.
Once the waiter realizes the last person has joined their party, he approaches the group to take Chuck's drink order. Blair doesn't give him the opportunity to finish before speaking up. "Why don't you drink some water, Chuck." Despite how this was posed, nothing about her tone implied this was a suggestion. It was obvious to everyone at the table this was a direct order.
Shifting his attention to Blair, Chuck offers her a rare smile along with a nod of acknowledgment before turning back to the cabana boy, "I'll take a scotch. Neat."
Everyone at the table noticeably shifts in their seats in discomfort at Chuck's blatant defiance of Blair and the unspoken tension between the pair further intensifies.
"I thought you were hot? Don't you think some ice water would be better?"
"Excellent point, Waldorf." Turning to the waiter once more, Chuck adds, "Make that on rocks instead. Ice on the side."
Typically, Blair wouldn't continue to fight him on something as trivial as a drink order but given the circumstances, she was annoyed with Chuck, and rightfully so, and she didn't want to back down so easily. He needed to remember she had both bark and bite.
"Very well. I was only trying to look out for you, Bass. Your drinking has just been a bit out of control lately and you know how Odette hates that."
Bringing up the one subject they were both trying desperately to avoid was risky on her part, but she knew she was effectively backing him into a corner to play along with whatever she said.
Watching as her words settle amongst the group, Blair finds some sense of delight in the way that even the mere mention of that name makes Chuck's entire demeanor switch. His previous, smarmy, grin is now fully wiped away and his eyes had grown cold as they searched her for some sort of explanation of where she was going with this and why she had even brought her up in the first place.
"I mean, their mother is an alcoholic, Bass. Can't you see how triggering it would be for her to see you in this state?"
The mention of her sister caught Cortney off guard but now that Blair had also brought Anika into the conversation she knew she needed to speak up. "Can we maybe...not talk about my mother or her drinking?"
She didn't want anyone from her family to be brought into whatever this was between Blair and Chuck.
Kati reaches for Cortney's hand under the table and offers her a gentle, supportive, squeeze.
Looking over the youngest Rockefeller, only briefly, Blair tosses her a shrug, "Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. It's just that Odette has recently been telling Serena and me that she doesn't love Chuck's drinking habits. Causes him to make... poor decisions."
To this point, Chuck lets out a bemused scoff, "Then I suppose it's a good thing she's not here to witness it for herself." He sounded bitter, and he was. Everything he had done so far on this trip was in an effort to forget her, even for just a little bit, and he resented the fact that Blair was making him even think about Odette right now, let alone forcing him talk about her.
Never one to be the best at reading a room, Nate suddenly speaks up to this point and in doing so only further extends the conversation that Chuck so badly wanted to end.
"Is that why she didn't come?"
Despite not having directly brought it up yet, Nate did find it strange that Odette had decided not to join them in Croatia. In addition to that, he hadn't seen Chuck sober since they arrived and while alcohol and drugs were always fair game when it came to his best friend, his indulgence on this trip felt particularly excessive. Something had obviously happened between Chuck and Odette and so far, it wasn't as if anyone was being forthcoming about it.
Nate had really thought Chuck was doing better with Odette being a more central part of his life. He would have even gone as far to say she was a positive influence that seemed to ground him in a way that few could. However, maybe he had been too caught up in his own messes with Blair, and his family drama, to realize his best friend was struggling. Perhaps he had let the full weight of the responsibility of looking out for Chuck fall onto Odette and in turn, it had suffocated or scared her away. After all, Chuck was in no way an easy person to deal with. He was complicated, and messed up, in more ways than most realized and there was compassion and understanding that only someone like Nate was able to give to him. This was mostly due to their longstanding friendship but also because that was just the kind of guy Nate was. When he cared about someone, he cared deeply.
"I was wondering why she wasn't here. Honestly, after her and Coco's screaming match over the phone, I just assumed it was because of the whole Chuck thing?" Is, who was currently too focused on trying to figure out who was in the back of Bobby's most recent Snapchat story, doesn't bother looking up at anyone at the table as she throws her theory into the mix.
"What whole Chuck thing?"
Hearing the confusion behind Cortney's question, Is rolls her eyes in exasperation, "Coco, be serious." Tearing her eyes away from her phone screen and looking over at the younger girl, she gestures abruptly between Cortney and Chuck, "I'm sure Odette wasn't exactly stoked about the two of you hooking up."
"Wait, what?" Serena all but spits out her drink, her eyes flashing with concern as she looks between the two, apparently, guilty parties.
Blair was equally shocked to hear this news and a part of her wondered why none of the girls had brought this to her attention beforehand. Here she was feeling guilty, and even more so, stressed, over her situation with Chuck when Odette's own baby sister had done the exact same thing? This tidbit of information proved that this was no longer a Blair problem, the common denominator in all of Odette's troubles was clearly Chuck. This was something she could use to her advantage.
"Are we really on this again? I-" Halfway through the proclamation of his own innocence, Chuck decides he doesn't have the energy to defend himself and abruptly stops before leaning back in his chair once more and pulling out his pack of cigarettes, "Fuck it. Whatever."
Despite her surprise, Blair managed to play it all much cooler than Serena had. In fact, outwardly, she showed no real reaction at all. Even though on the inside she was almost giddy at the prospect of having her cover story delivered to her on a silver platter like this. The affair between Coco and Chuck could explain everything about Odette's strange behavior. Starting with not coming on the trip and carrying into any hostile energy she could potentially possess once they got back to New York. She could already see herself explaining to Nate that Odette was angry with her because she felt like Blair took Chuck and Coco's side in all this by going on vacation with them. She could then throw the hookup between Chuck and her sister, in Odette's face as a necessary reality check to show that Chuck was the problem here, not Blair. She was as much a victim in all of this as Odette was. Chuck was the monster going around and sleeping with everyone Odette cared about.
When put in those terms, it was all pretty disturbing actually. She could probably even convince Odette that Chuck would go after Anika next and if given the circumstances, who's to say he wouldn't?
Yes, this was exactly what she needed.
"Yes, that is why. I feel terrible talking about this when she's not here but given the situation," Blair lets that word hang in the air as she looks between Coco and Chuck with faux disappointment, "Odette felt she really needed some space from both of them."
Finally looking in Cortney's direction, Kati shakes her head in slight dismay, "I can't believe you hadn't told her yet."
"Yeah, seriously uncool, Coco." Is adds before focusing her attention back on the more pressing matter at hand, her phone. Because really, who was the skank in Bobby's story anyway? Not caring that they were six hours ahead in Croatia, Is stands up, "I'm going to go give Bobby a call on one of the hotel's phones."
"Why, trying to catch him off-guard? Don't seek out issues."
"I'm not. I'm putting it in fate's hands."
Cortney is barely listening to Kati and Isobel's conversation as she tries to process what just happened. How had no one else caught that?
She knew with absolute certainty that this couldn't be the reason for her sisters' behavior since nothing ever actually happened between her and Chuck and she knew Odette was well aware of that fact. However, by confronting Blair over this she would then have to admit that she lied about the whole ordeal, and with that reveal, she would likely lose Kati's trust completely.
"I should have said something sooner."
Out of the corner of her eye, Cortney tries to watch for Chuck's reaction to her response but he barely has one at all. He shakes his head so faintly that she was certain everyone else at the table missed it entirely.
She felt as silly having to lie about the hookup in front of him now as she had when confronted by Pennelope at Blair's birthday. In fact, she felt even more ridiculous now because Chuck knew that she had told Odette the truth. That was the only reason the two of them had even started hanging out again. Cortney had pushed her sister to make up with him and here she was still lying about this encounter to everyone. At this point, Chuck had to think she was a total nutjob creating drama just for the sake of having it, and as much as he hated the idea of being perceived that way she knew she couldn't backtrack now and tell the truth. Not after how far she and Kati had come.
If getting to be with Kati meant everyone having to think she slept with Chuck and betrayed her sister then so be it. At the end of it all, the only thing that really mattered was that Odette knew the truth and she did. She had been well aware of Cortney's lie since the Thanksgiving holiday and the two sisters had long made up after the drama of it all. In fact, the two hadn't fought at all until that phone call the night of Cotillion.
'I was never invited! How are you this clueless? You really don't see what's going on here, Cort?'
'They are not my friends.'
Blair was definitely lying about what was going on with her sister. Blair knew it, Chuck knew it and now Cortney knew it too.
Cortney's only current advantage here was that Blair clearly didn't realize the entire situation with her and Chuck was only ever a misguided ruse and therefore didn't know that she had essentially, partially, exposed her hand of cards.
As the conversation shifted to the next topic everyone made a point to keep things tame and none of the other subject matters got as heavy as the one regarding Odette's noticeable absence. However, throughout the rest of the afternoon, while Cortney was physically present her mind was somewhere else entirely. Spinning with ideas and trying to figure out why exactly her sister hadn't come and why Blair was lying about it. It was more than obvious the two tied together and once she figured out the one, the other would be explained. For now, though, she needed to stay quiet and observe and let the rest expose itself in time.
Unbeknownst to anyone at the table, Cortney wasn't the only one that caught onto Blair's charade though.
Nate, who had opted to remain silent during most of the interaction, had already heard the rumor about Chuck and Coco from Odette herself back on the night of Blair's birthday party. Then sometime shortly after Thanksgiving Odette had also updated him that it was all a big misunderstanding. Having been privy to all of that, nothing about the revelation at lunch had surprised him until Blair started lying to everyone's face about it.
After lunch, half of the group decided to stay at the pool while the other half went back to the room. At Nate's request, Chuck had followed him and Blair back to the suite. The plan was to take showers and watch a movie or play some cards. Anything lowkey enough that would keep them preoccupied in the room and keep Chuck from getting out of control. Midway through his shower though, Nate heard the distinct sound of the heavy door to the Suite closing and latching into place once more. Chuck was clearly headed down to the lobby's bar to go round two with Goran, or whichever poor bartender was on duty. Or perhaps he was going to venture back into the city to conduct more shady drug deals. Each thought stressed Nate out but at this point, he figured he needed to let Chuck do his thing. Ultimately he was his own person and Nate was not his keeper. Regardless of how concerned he might be, Chuck was free to make whatever poor choices he wanted to.
Stepping out of the shower, Nate does his best to dry his hair before wrapping the towel around his torso and walking back into the room he and Blair were sharing.
He is immediately taken back at the sight of Blair, only wrapped in a towel, sprawled across their bed and thumbing through a magazine. She was fresh-faced, with wet hair sticking to her shoulders and back and she looked beautiful. Instead of telling her this though, he brings up Chuck's departure, "I guess he wasn't up for movies or cards, huh?"
"No, because that would be too easy." Rolling her eyes, Blair looks up from her magazine and can immediately feel her cheeks start to flush at the sight of Nate's, mostly, bare body. "He's self-destructive. I don't know why you put up with him."
Pulling a face at this comment, Nate stops looking through the drawers for comfortable clothes to wear and turns to face Blair, "That's harsh. He's been my best friend since like, forever."
"Well, yeah... but don't you think you're outgrowing him? What do you even have in common?"
"What do you have in common with Serena? Besides an affection for me, of course."
When he turned her question back on her, he felt bad for how rough his initial delivery was so he attempted to follow it with an innocent joke of sorts but based on the look Blair was giving him she didn't appreciate it.
"That's not funny." Her stare is hard and cold and Nate quickly explains it was only a joke and while she believes that was his intention, it doesn't negate the fact it was inappropriate.
Realizing he has upset her, and that she wasn't going to let this go so easily, Nate crouches down on the floor in front of the bed and takes hold of both her hands, "Hey, Blair, I'm sorry. It was a poor joke. I shouldn't have that. Don't be mad."
Staring down at him, Blair struggles to keep a hard front. Any direction she tries to turn her eyes, his follow - deep green and piercing into her own with intensity and that boyish charm that still filled her stomach with butterflies.
Sensing that he has her right where he wants her, despite her lack of response, Nate leans up to plant a small but firm kiss on the center of her forehead. As he does this, he is able to breathe her in - fully taking in the scent of her expensive shampoo and body soap. She smells like warm vanilla and the thought of her wet and soapy body titillates him. However, he's able to catch himself before letting these thoughts get too far and is reminded of the lie he had caught at lunch.
"Again, I'm sorry." Pulling away from Blair, he stands back up and returns to searching for something more appropriate to wear, "I think I'm being overly sensitive about Chuck right now because I'm really worried about him. I actually kind of wanted to talk to you about this whole situation with him and Odette. At lunch..." His words trail off as he feels the warmth of Blair's body wrap around him. He can feel her breast pressed against his back as she rubs her hands up and down his arms in a soothing, yet erotic, fashion. Looking over his shoulder to her, she offers him a cheeky smile. Her dimples, which he adores, are very prominent.
"What're you doing?"
"Our friends are messes. I get it, trust me. But right now I don't want to talk about Odette. Or Chuck. Or anything actually." Taking a small step back so that he can have a better view of her fully nude form, Blair continues, "I love you, Nate Archibald. So much that sometimes it actually physically hurts." Her eyes instinctively close at the thought before looking back at him, "I've wanted to give myself to you in this way for so long now and in the past it hasn't been the right timing, I get that, but we are in such a better place now, Nate and I want this. I want you."
It's taking all of Nate's self-control to keep his eyes locked on Blair's as she pours her heart out to him, but once she finishes, he immediately takes the time to fully take her in. Savoring every bit of her, he starts at her neck, which was regal and delicate, and trails his eyes down her shoulders before admiring the curves of her body. The curves extended in some areas and dipped in on others in the most perfect way. Finally, he works his way down her rounded thighs that she had always been self-conscious about but that he loved, before admiring how surprisingly toned her legs were. He didn't linger on any of the areas of her body that she would have probably expected him to. Instead, he took greater pleasure in enjoying this view of her bare shoulders, stomach, thighs, and legs.
This wasn't the time or place to point it out but this was the first time Blair had ever allowed him to see her naked with the lights on and it was more thrilling to him than even he had anticipated.
After admiring her in silence for a considerable amount of time, Nate makes eye contact with Blair once more, "Are you sure about this?"
Without hesitation, she responds, "I've never been so sure of anything in my life."
After receiving this confirmation, Nate walks toward Blair, pulling their bodies together so that they finally connect with a deep kiss. He guides her back onto the bed and watches as her hair falls delicately across the mattress. Had she always been this beautiful? How had he overlooked it so many times before? Shaking these thoughts from his head, he focuses back on the task at hand.
"Let me grab a condom."
Laying flat against the mattress and staring up at the detailed ceiling, Blair realizes she has subconsciously been sucking in her stomach this entire time and despite feeling a cramp start to set in she refuses to stop. She needed to be perfect.
"You come prepared."
Returning, almost as quickly as he had left, Nate sports a proud grin before winking at her, "Always."
Still holding her breath enough to keep her stomach flat, Blair props herself up on her elbows and watches as Nate rips the foiled wrapping and rolls the latex over his shaft with a precision that bordered on expertise. The thought of it immediately triggers flashbacks to times when she would find condoms in his wallet and then the next time she saw him they were gone. He was 'always' prepared but in the past, he had never used them for her. They were always for other girls, like Serena. Girls who were prettier and probably more skilled than she was.
She can feel her heart beat rapidly against her chest. A mixture of nerves because this was their first time and because she was scared she wouldn't measure up to all those girls that had come before her.
"Hey," calling for her attention, Nate uses his thumb to brush loose strands of hair away from her face so that he can look at her better, "Where'd you go just now?"
Slightly embarrassed to have been caught, but more so embarrassed at what she was thinking, Blair does her best to play it off, "I'm fine. Just nervous."
"We'll start off real slow, don't worry."
Only nodding in return, Blair lays back on the mattress once more.
Hovering over her body, Nate leans down to give her a kiss before gently pushing just his tip into her.
Despite her nerves and insecurities, every part of Blair's body felt lit on fire from the desire she was feeling. Despite initially taking some pride in being the Upper East Sides virginal snow queen, she had been wanting to get intimate with Nate for quite some time now, and now that she had experienced how good sex could feel she was even more eager to have that experience with someone she actually loved.
Nate.
She was also more than eager to rid her body of the sexual stimulation it only knew from Chuck and replace it with someone far better and far more deserving.
Nate.
"This part might hurt a bit so I want to take it easy to start."
Pulled out of the moment by this statement, and the fact that only an inch of him was inside her when she was expecting all of it, Blair is briefly disoriented before she realizes what he's referring to. To his knowledge, Blair was still an innocent, untouched-by-anything-but-his-fingers, virgin. To his knowledge, she had never had a man inside her before. Certainly not his best friend... this should feel foreign. This should feel slightly uncomfortable even.
"Oh, yeah.. it feels kind of tight. Like a pinch." She speaks between labored breaths, doing her best to play the part of a real virgin despite not recalling any such discomfort or pain even when she really did lose said virginity. "I think it's probably like ripping a bandaid though so I say just go for it."
She'd had quite enough with the teasing of just an inch inside her. She wanted to feel all of him.
Chuckling at her perceived eagerness, Nate willingly obliges and pulls out before immediately pushing the entirety of himself into her. As he feels her almost immediately begin to adjust to his size, he knocks his head back with a breathy groan of approval as he starts to establish his rhythm.
Wrapping her arms around his neck, Blair tries to pull his body as close to her as possible and feels everything within her attempt to relax and be in this moment.
This was everything she had ever wanted.
Nate.
This was who she had always wanted.
Nate.
[Friday, 4:08 A.M]
"B, it's so late! Don't you want to head back to the hotel?"
"Absolutely not!"
The group had found themselves back at Culture Club for the third night in a row. Given the holiday, tonight's theme was a foam party, Christmas rave. Everyone was running around in barely any clothing with elf ears or Santa Claus hats, and strobe and neon lights were the only guide clubgoers had in the otherwise dark club. Nothing about this environment was something Blair Waldorf would want to be a part of and so it surprised Serena that she had wanted to stay as long as they had.
As a conga line of drunks, led by a large, round, man dressed like Santa moves between the limited space between them, Serena takes a step back to give them the necessary space. As the end of the line passes through, Blair moves to join them but Serena is able to grab her hand before she fully commits.
"What is going on? You are not acting like yourself. You've been weird the past couple of days."
"What's going on, with you? Why aren't you drunk like me? Isn't this what you all love to do? I'm just trying to keep up."
There was no denying Blair was drunk. She had tried to tag into a conga line inside a dirty, sweaty dance club. The same dirty, sweaty dance club she had ragged on the previous days. She was definitely drunk but there was more to it than that.
"What's wrong, Blair? Talk to me." Unlike the other nights they had gone out, Serena wasn't feeling up to getting shitfaced. She was feeling bloated from all the alcohol she'd been consuming and she missed Dan. She was ready to go home but she was also a good sport so she came out with everyone and did her best to act like she was having fun, but that stopped now. Something was clearly going on with Blair and she needed to know what it was.
"What's wrong? Oh, nothing. Except for everything!" Blair swings her arms around dramatically, talking with her hands, as she drunkenly spills her guts just as she had feared she would. At least Serena could be trusted though, well, mostly anyway, "My life is pretty much terrible right now. I'm lying to my boyfriend. I hurt, like really, really hurt, one of my best friends. Um, I finally had sex with my boyfriend."
Blair is burning through each point so quickly that Serena struggles to keep up, but once she hears the last statement she can feel her stomach instantly drop. Blair and Nate had finally had sex... She always knew this was going to happen but it was one thing to think about it and entirely another for it to be true. "That's great, Blair!" Serena pulls her best friend in for a tight hug that felt forced and transparent, at best. She had mixed feelings about this situation and she knew if Blair was sober she would have caught it. Thankfully she wasn't and so she didn't.
"No, it's not great, S! It's not great at all. I didn't like it."
Serena purses her lips, taken aback by this comment, "What do you mean?"
"I mean exactly what I said. I didn't like it. The sex was not good."
Hearing this was surprising, to say the least. In her experience, Nate had been a pretty exceptional lover. - skilled and giving in all the right ways. Obviously, she would never tell Blair that but due to her own past with Nate, Serena was questioning Blair's account of the situation.
Not getting a response, or even a reaction, from her best friend, Blair continues, "This is going to sound so vile, so please hide your judgment, but with Chuck we just…fit. It felt right, which is so weird to say out loud, and I thought that's just how sex felt and how it would always feel but, no…"
"Definitely not."
Serena couldn't sugar coat this. She had certainly been with her fair share of men and because of this, she felt fairly confident she understood what Blair was talking about. There was sex where it was just two bodies moving mechanically together till an end was reached, typically his end. Then there was sex with connection and passion that left you desiring more. In her experience, Nate had been the latter and it was disturbing to imagine Chuck Bass, of all people, could make Blair feel that way and Nate couldn't.
"Nate and I can't have bad sex, Serena. He's gorgeous!"
Knowing Blair was drunk enough to not care, and most likely wouldn't even remember this conversation, Serena nods along in obvious agreement.
"Well, maybe it's you." Seeing that Blair is immediately offended by this Serena corrects herself, "What I mean is that maybe you're too into your own head about it. Maybe you built up this thing for so long that it was doomed to disappoint. After all, how could anything ever live up to the expectations of Blair Waldorf?"
It was true, she was notoriously hard to please. So, how had Chuck done it so effortlessly?
Blair thinks about how confident she felt with Chuck and how with Nate she found herself wondering the whole time if she measured up to others. Namely, the blonde before her doing her best to hype Blair up.
"The first time can always be kind of weird, you've got to go for it again."
Nodding along in agreement, Blair doesn't have it within herself to admit that they had already done it four other times and she still felt the same.
The sex wasn't good or she was broken.
Or both.
Pushing past a bouncer that looks like Frosty the Snowman, Blair steps out of the club and into the cool, early morning air. Taking in a long breath and holding it briefly before exhaling with a small hiccup, Blair walks around the corner of the building and immediately spots Chuck.
He was leisurely smoking a cigarette, as a clubgoer dressed as an incredibly slutty reindeer flirted with him. It was quickly apparent that he was shooting her down though and after a few more attempts that went nowhere, the disgruntled reindeer-girl walked away from him and past Blair to go back to the party inside.
Chuck hadn't realized anyone else was outside, let alone Blair. After watching him for a moment, she clears her throat in an effort to announce her presence and walks toward him.
The only way he acknowledges her is by turning to stare. His face is completely expressionless as she finally approaches him and asks, "Can I bum one?"
Hearing those words briefly transports him back to that night.
'Can I bum one?'
'Since when do you smoke?'
Before the chaos that came from it all, this was exactly how everything had started - Blair asking him for a cigarette.
He had been so confident that he could see through Blair's bullshit that night but he had no idea what she had planned. He knew she didn't smoke and yet he offered her the cigarette anyway. To be funny, or to prove a point, and she accepted, and just like that the cigarette became the proverbial apple of Adam and Eve that already had, and likely would continue to, cost him everything.
If only he had known then what he did now. He'd like to think he'd do things differently but, despite being aware of all of this he still offers her a cigarette and lights it for her. Just like he did that night of her birthday. And just like that night he waits and watches to see how she does with it.
She still held it between her thumb and index finger but she didn't suck her cheeks in nearly as much. She was also slower on the inhale and didn't burst into a fit of coughs right after. Blair Waldorf was still not a smoker but she looked a lot more like one now.
"The reindeer was cute. In a skanky kind of way. Let me guess, was she Vixen?"
"What do you want, Blair?"
"Nothing. I just think it's weird you turned her down. You haven't slept with anyone this entire trip. Seems very uncharacteristic of you."
"And you and Nate fucking seems pretty uncharacteristic of your relationship but here we are." With a final puff of his cigarette, Chuck stands up and tosses it to the cobblestone ground before gently stomping out what little flame remains.
"How was losing your virginity for the second time, by the way?"
Taken aback by both his crassness and the fact he even knew about the recent development between her and Nate, Blair only stares at him.
"Don't worry, Nate's a gentleman. He didn't go into detail about it but then again, he doesn't really have to does he? I've already been there," His eyes skimmed down her body for added measure, "Done that. Made you cu-"
Not wanting that last bit to even be said aloud to this empty Croatian street, Blair closes the distance between them and slaps her hand over his mouth to shut him up, "Don't you dare finish that sentence. We don't talk about that, ever."
To this, Chuck rolls his eyes, "Right, because what you say goes. It's your world, Waldorf, we're all just lucky to occupy it alongside you."
Everything about Chuck was empty.
His eyes.
His tone.
The coldness of it felt harsh to even Blair, "What's wrong with you? Why are you acting like this? You're not yourself."
"Because you know me so well?"
It wasn't a question but that didn't stop Blair from giving her answer.
"As strange as it is to admit, I actually think I do."
It was undeniable that there were parts of herself that seemed to speak to only him and vice versa. They saw through each other, yes, but from that came an actual understanding of one another that most wouldn't get.
They were both broken, twisted, people and when it came to them, maybe two wrongs could make a right.
Staring at her with an almost blank expression, Chuck wants to argue that she doesn't know him but he doesn't have the energy or fight left in him. He was coming down hard from the MDMA he had bought off one of the locals and while on it, he had felt a surge of happiness that could only be achieved by drugs at the moment, but now that the high was fading and he had burned through his supply, he only felt an increased apathy towards everything. Especially Blair and this pointless conversation.
If Blair really knew him so well she wouldn't ask stupid questions like 'what's wrong' she'd know. Wasn't the answer so obvious? She was what was wrong. All of this was her fault. His too, he was definitely guilty for the part he played but he had wanted to come clean for so long and Blair talked him out of it every time. Why had he let her talk him out of it? Perhaps it would have played out the same but at least Odette would have heard it from him. The thought of this - the what-ifs, ran through his mind more than he cared to ever admit, and the look on Odette's face when she realized what a piece of shit he was, tortured him. She looked at him with the disgust that everyone else did and had for as long as he could remember. He was unbothered by it from everyone else, but not her.
She saw him, really saw him and he liked the version she seemed to see. Why couldn't he have kept being that?
Why did any of this have to happen?
Beyond that, how fucked was it that he hurt Odette and lost her in the process and yet Blair still got her Prince Charming in Nate. She still got to fake losing her virginity to him, like nothing happened, and the two of them were now going to embrace as the screen faded to black and the credits rolled on the movie that is, apparently, their life. Blair couldn't have written a more cinematic ending if she'd tried.
Blair won.
She walked away with everything she wanted.
"Are you jealous?"
So caught up in his own spiral, Chuck can't help but crack a smile as this question from Blair catches him by surprise. How could someone be this unaware? If she knew him so well, she had to know he wasn't envious of her relationship with Nate.
Except, maybe he was.
"I guess, but not in the way you're thinking."
He was jealous.
He was jealous that Blair walked away with everything she wanted while he had lost Odette. He was jealous that she could move through life worried about her relationship, and worried about him when he was mentally stuck in this terrible place that didn't allow him to care about anything.
More than being jealous, he was angry.
He was so angry that he threw Odette, and any real chance he had with her, away when he made the choice to sleep with Blair and he had hated himself every day since then. He hated that he was able to briefly convince himself that he could get away with it and that things could continue the way they had and that he could be happy.
Happiness wasn't on the menu for people like him. He knew this and yet he had willingly gone against everything he had ever practiced and preached.
He betrayed his better judgment even going for Odette in the first place and more than anything, he hated himself for knowing he would do it all again if he could. Even if everything played out just the same, and he would still end up on this street in a foreign country, feeling empty and pissed off, he would endure it all again just to have those brief moments where things were good with Odette. Those moments where he was truly happy.
There was a palpable intensity that was radiating from Chuck's core and it was apparent to Blair right away. Despite recognizing the silent passion that was exuding from him, Blair was misreading the cause entirely. Moving towards him, she grabs him by his jacket and pulls him close before crashing her lips against his in a feverish, bordering on desperate, kiss. Blair kissed him with so much force that she sends him stumbling back an inch or so and as she kisses him, she feels that familiar electricity course through her veins. It was that electric feeling she had been chasing with Nate all week. Her insides felt like they were lit on fire and she burned with a passion that was, disturbingly enough, only meant for Chuck.
She couldn't admit it to herself but she was feeling empty and pissed off too. She had always built up her relationship with Nate to be this spectacular thing, like the kind of love she'd seen in her favorite movies. Nate clearly cared about her as a leading man should but she wanted the passion too and he wasn't passionate about her.
At least he didn't bed her like he was - not like she had expected.
Not like Chuck had.
She hadn't completely lost her mind. She knew she had no desire to date Chuck, or anything like that, but she wanted him in a very primal sort of way. A way that was unbecoming of her usual self and a way that only he brought out of her, apparently.
Unfortunately, while the two of them might have been in similar boats emotionally, mentally they were in very different places.
Chuck was easily able to pry Blair's fingers off of him before lightly shoving her a step back.
As she stares at him, clearly dejected, he finally realizes it.
She really didn't get it.
Without saying a word he moves toward her to leave. He notices as he steps closer in her direction, Blair takes in a depth breath as if preparing herself and as he moves past her, her shoulders fall in disappointment. Almost as if she had been hoping he would embrace her again and they could continue where they were before he had stopped everything.
Before he walks away completely, Chuck turns back to face her and can see a hint of tears welling up in her big brown eyes. Despite this, he still continues and doesn't hold back, "You came out here asking what's wrong with me but what the fuck is wrong with you?"
Not giving her the chance to even try to answer, Chuck walks off but as he does so he can almost faintly hear Blair, unable to hold it back any longer, begin to cry.
[Friday, 5:48 A.M]
After the situation with Blair, Chuck left the club altogether and decided to walk back to the hotel. Physical activity, outside the bedroom, was never really Chuck's thing but with the way that he was feeling he figured the fresh air would do him good. He had half expected that everyone would have beat him back to the suite but by the time he arrived, there was still no sign of them.
Good.
He really didn't want to see Blair again tonight and he probably wouldn't be able to look Nate in the eye either. He had already felt like shit over what had happened but he was able to somewhat talk himself down from the guilt by repeating to himself over, and over again, that it was only a one-time mistake. A slip-up and nothing more but then Blair had gone and kissed him, again and it felt good, again. There was an electricity between him and Blair that became very apparent when they kissed - like a live wire. He remembered it from that first time on her birthday and he had felt it again tonight. He had experienced that feeling with other people before but this one was specific to her, and her only, and he hated to admit that.
He didn't want it, not with her.
Nate was his best friend and Blair was Nate's girlfriend. That's the way it had always been.
Sure, long before any of this had ever been a thing, he wondered what it would be like to be with Blair. Mostly because she was such a frigid bitch all the time he wondered if he could thaw that icy exterior of hers. But ultimately he knew she was off-limits, at least she was meant to be.
She was off-limits until she wasn't.
He had crossed that line and it had cost him and he didn't intend to make that mistake again. Blair hadn't lost anything - Odette's friendship maybe, but it was clear throughout all of this that Blair didn't really care about Odette. Not if caring about her was going to get in the way of Blair being able to come out on top. Their friendship was transactional whether either girl realized that at the time it was initially conceived or not.
Odette had been a placeholder for Serena and now that she was back Blair had less use for Odette and because of that, she didn't mind discarding her if need be. In Blair's own words, Odette was 'collateral damage' in all of this.
Ever since Odette had first started hanging out with Blair, Chuck had always kind of seen through the friendship for what it really was but back in the beginning he didn't care enough to say anything. Then once he did care he didn't want to hurt her and now that he had hurt her she wouldn't care to hear what he had to say on the matter. In fact, he didn't need to say anything about it because he had helped prove his point to her with his betrayal. Especially now, after taking everyone away on holiday, there could be no doubt about it in Odette's mind. Blair was a bad friend and so was he and she most likely hated them both now.
Settling into one of the couches, Chuck aimlessly flips through the channels - most of which were showing various Christmas movies he had caught bits and pieces of over the years. He finally settles on one, not out of any sort of genuine interest but because he's already circled through the active channels twice. Setting the remote down on the side table he feels his fingers brush against the suite's phone.
Over the course of the past few days, Chuck had periodically attempted to contact Odette. Always unbeknownst to everyone else on the trip and inspired due to liquid courage, drug-induced euphoria, or a mixture of both. Point was, he was never sober when calling her so it was probably for the best she never picked up but a part of him always still hoped that she would. He assumed she had blocked his number already and if she hadn't she would at the very least be ignoring his calls, but calling from some unknown number in a foreign country? It was like Is had said, that put it all in fate's hands. The minute he even thinks it, he curses himself. He sounded like a girl - a hopeless romantic and dreamer. That wasn't who he was though and he hated the fact this situation was bringing that out of him. In those moments, when he is debating with himself whether to do it or not he feels exposed in a way that was hard to explain. He could vividly imagine Bart staring at him with a mixture of disgust, disappointment, and pity for how soft Chuck was allowing himself to be.
This wasn't him.
Chuck didn't do this.
He didn't call girls up on the phone unless he was hiring them for their services, he didn't wait around by the phone hoping they'd call back, and he definitely didn't use words like fate.
Chuck wasn't soft. His father wouldn't have allowed it.
Even so, after running through this same spiel every time he still found himself on this couch, holding the phone and dialing that number that he had long since memorized.
If she answers, you'll figure out a way to get her to stay on the line and talk to you.
If she answers, you'll tell her how sorry you are.
If she answers, you'll tell her you miss her.
He had so many scenarios for this situation prepared in his head but each time played out just the same. He was only ever met with the automated voicemail box and was then left feeling stupid for even thinking it would work. Still, despite swearing that he would never let himself get to that point of desperation again, he always ended up back here hoping that this time would be different.
Reaching for the phone, just as he had many times before, he hesitates. Tapping his fingers against the dark, plastic casing he does his best to ignore everything in him that is telling him to stop, to give it up, and that he's being weak. Oddly enough, the inner voice saying those things sounded a lot like Bart. There was another voice there too though, much softer and kinder and that was the one that always tended to win these fights. That voice was familiar too. At least, he thought so. Truthfully, it had been a long time since he'd really heard it, outside of his memories, and as time had passed so had the ability to remember even the most simple details.
Like, the sound of his mother's voice.
The thought of Evelyn had come on so unexpectedly that it almost made Chuck physically ill. Like anything else in his life that was hard to deal with emotionally, he refused to talk about or make peace with what had happened to her and he didn't understand why, when he was already feeling terrible, he would always think about her and in turn, make himself feel worse.
Shaking his head, as if doing so would physically remove these thoughts, Chuck does his best to try to reestablish his focus. He was on the verge of talking himself out of this whole thing and while a part of him thought that sounded appealing there was a bigger part of him that wanted to do this. Before he can convince himself not to, he dials Odette's number.
As it rings, he waits, and with every second that passes he can feel his nerves growing.
Please pickup. Please. Please.
He hadn't realized how tightly he had shut his eyes in anticipation until he heard the suite door unlock and his eyes instinctively flew open. The strain of it, caused his eyes to burn and his vision became disoriented as he tried to adjust back to the light. He quickly hangs up the phone before the call can finish, and does his best to focus on the movie that was playing so that he wouldn't draw unwanted attention to himself.
As Coco rounds the corner and comes into his field of vision, Chuck makes a point to barely acknowledge her. This wasn't just about her potentially catching onto his odd behavior though, this was about Cortney in general. Her features were so similar to Odette's that it sometimes hurt him to even look at her. It was a visceral type of hurt that felt like a punch to the gut, every time.
Cortney could feel the tension in the air but since she was unaware of... everything, she misread this as hostility directed at her and assumed the cause was because of the lie she continued to perpetuate about them. Fortunately for them both, she was too exhausted from tonight to care about talking about it and moves past him in the direction of the girl's shared room. Before she gets too far, the suite phone begins to ring. This catches her by surprise - partly because of the time and mostly because she hadn't even been aware there was a landline in the suite.
She doesn't make the first move to answer the call, figuring Chuck, who was closer to the phone, would do them both the favor so that the incessant ringing could stop. It quickly becomes obvious to her that he has no intention of answering it though as he continues to remain perfectly unphased despite the fact that the volume was seeming to grow louder each time. Unable to stand it for even a second more, Cortney surrenders, "Yeah, don't worry. I'll get it, Chuck, it's fine." Picking up the phone, she leans against the back of the couch before offering a hesitant, "Hello?"
"Cort?"
Cortney instantly recognized the sound of her sister's voice but was struggling to understand why she would be on the other end of this phone line.
"You're the one that keeps calling me from this number?"
Keeps calling...
No. She hadn't even attempted to contact Odette since their last fight. Something she was feeling guilty for now that she was talking to her.
Keeps calling...?
She had only just gotten back in the room and no one else was here except for...
Looking over her shoulder, Cortney watches as Chuck stares intently at the television screen. He didn't look like someone who knew they were about to be caught but there was no denying facts. He was the only one in the suite and he was the only one that could have been calling Odette. Part of her felt like she should be honest with her sister but the thought of Chuck trying to get ahold of Odette throughout the entirety of this trip was also kind of sad so she decided to keep his secret and play along. Perhaps she owed it to him after the uncomfortable situations she had put him in.
"Yes. Sorry."
"Okay, why not just call me from your cell?"
"Great question."
She really wasn't sure why Chuck hadn't just called Odette from his own phone but thinking back on it she recalls Isobel's comment from lunch the other day about why she wanted to call Bobby from the hotel lobby. She had barely been listening to Is and so she really hadn't anticipated that Chuck, of all people, would have caught that, let alone taken it to heart.
"I guess I felt like if you answered this way it was fate and we were meant to talk."
She continues to try to watch Chuck as she carries on with the phone call, waiting to see if he shows any sign of attempting to listen in on this conversation, but he never does. Although it really didn't matter because ultimately Cortney now knew the truth. Despite his grand ability to act with such indifference, she was no longer fooled.
Whether he ever wanted to acknowledge it or not, Chuck cared about her sister and had clearly been thinking about her this entire trip.
I can't believe I actually finished this chapter...
I realize some of you might be disappointed with the direction of this update. I know that everyone is eager to have all the characters back in the same setting and to see how the drama of everything continues to unfold once they are back face to face with each other. I'm excited about that too and I promise it's coming but from the start, this was always what I wanted. After having all the shit hit the fan at Cotillion, I always intended to have one chapter from strictly Odette's POV so that the readers could feel isolated from the other characters, and one chapter from the other characters' POV in Croatia so that you, the readers, feel removed from Odette in the same way that all these characters do. It was always the plan but I never intended for this much time to pass between updates so I feel bad I didn't come back with something a bit more...exciting?
I realize these last two chapters haven't been quite up to par with the drama of previous chapters but the details of both were extremely important to me. I went back and forth for so long about cutting this chapter and skipping to when everyone is back - that's what I knew everyone wanted, that's what I was excited to write, etc. but for the plot to continue forward, I knew there was enough going on in Croatia that readers needed to be aware of and a lot of it just didn't seem to have the same read(flow?) when delivered as a flashback. So, I buckled down and got this turned out, and hopefully despite it not being the most exciting chapter, it does give everyone a deeper look into these characters and their thoughts, feelings, and struggles after all the drama that has unfolded. (YES, I needed to really show how awful Chuck felt about everything and I love some hard angst, okay!?)
The previous chapter was crucial in setting up a 'free-falling' Odette. This chapter was crucial in exploring Blair and Chuck's motives and feelings as we move forward in this story and you'll just have to trust me that later scenes wouldn't pack as much punch if the audience didn't get to be let in on what these characters are going through during this time specifically.
At the end of the day, this chapter was so difficult to write and I'm glad it's done. I've missed my girl, Odette, and I think since I've left you all waiting for more than half a year you probably miss her too. I promise everyone will be reunited in the next update so be sure to check back for that. Thank you to anyone who has read this far - you are an amazing person and deserve all the good things in life :)