Disclaimer: I don't own MASH cos if I did I would be rich beyond my wildest dreams. I'm just a poor uni student, so don't sue please. I only own Private Louis. Please enjoy :-)

Margaret's Struggle and Hawks' caring

Margaret walked into post op rather drained to say the least. They had been in surgery for over 70 hours. They only lost two boys, but those boys were in her mind at that moment. One boy in particular, a Private, occupied her thoughts. She thought about the senseless destruction, the waste of it all… It also occurred to her that in the past she LIKED the war. She had changed, but how? She knew how… Hawkeye had broken down her barriers through little things… He helped her through the death of the little dog, through her divorce, through her pregnancy scare and through her fear of loud noises in the cave… He had been there for her ALL the time. She loved him for that.

"Hawkeye, what are you doing in post op? You're not on duty, are you?" Margaret asked curiously.

"Well, I came to check on this kid… He was touch and go in OR, so I thought I'd see how he's doing," Hawkeye stated calmly.

"Oh, ok… How did you find OR?" Margaret felt a bit tense and insecure, but she didn't really know why.

"OR… Ah, OR… What can I say? It was worse than hell could ever be… Almost 70 hours of non-stop operating. The blood, the smell… My back!" Margaret had to laugh a bit at this.

She really cared about this man in front of her. She didn't know why. He was so unmilitary and messy, but he was also the best and most dedicated surgeon she had ever met. She had been a nurse for over 10 years and had met many MDs, but Hawkeye had the best skills and bedside manner she had ever witnessed. She was proud to work with him.

As Hawkeye checked the young man's pulse and BP, he thought of Margaret standing there next to him. He had always admired her, even when he 'hated' her during the first year of the war. She was the best nurse he had ever met. He would hand him the instruments in OR sometimes before he even had to ask. She could read his mind… And he could sometimes read hers. He knew when she covered her feelings. At these times she became the strict military Hot Lips Houlihan. She no longer was this person and he knew it. If only he could tell her how much he really cared about her. He didn't want to get slugged though, or even worse, completely humiliated… That was the danger. He wasn't sure if he loved her, but he knew that he did care deeply about her. He never wanted to see her hurt and he hoped he'd never see that.

"Hawkeye?" Margaret shook him slightly, waking him from his thoughts.

"Hey, sorry. I was just thinking, you know?" Hawkeye said. He seemed a little distracted still, but at least he had acknowledged Margaret's presence.

A few minutes later Hawkeye turned to look at Margaret. She quickly turned away. Hawkeye hadn't seen much, but he thought he saw a tear in her eyes.

"Margaret, are you alright?" He was full of concern for the Head Nurse.

"I'm ok, Pierce!" She yelled and she ran out.

Hawkeye knew that something was wrong. She hadn't called him Pierce in a long time. It was always Hawkeye now. He had to find her. He had to talk to her.

"Margaret, please talk to me. Please speak to me." This was Hawkeye plea when he found Margaret at the O-Club.

"There is nothing wrong. Nothing. Now leave me alone." Margaret was hysterical, actually beside herself. She tried to act strong, but she was too weak to be very effective at it.

"Margaret, we've all had a tough day. You can't tell me that watching that young man Louis die didn't affect you. I know you and it did cause hell in your mind. I know this because it caused it in mine." Hawkeye thought that a confession on his own part might get Margaret to talk. It did.

Margaret quickly broke down. "Hawkeye… That boy couldn't have been more that 18. He died because of me. I was incompetent. I should have brought the adrenaline sooner. I should pumped more air into him. I should have done more!" With this, Hawkeye knew why she cried. She wasn't to blame. She worked above and beyond to save the young Private.

"Margaret… You did everything you could. WE did everything we could. There was nothing we could do for him. Nothing at all. His head wound was too severe and so was the chest wound. He had no real chance." He finally whispered. Margaret knew, but the guilt would not go away. She had more to say.

"Hawkeye… Can we talk? I mean, really talk?" Margaret asked. She thought of rejection. She hated rejection.

"Ok Margaret, we can talk… but remember, I can't be serious for more than a minute!" Hawkeye tried to lighten the mood. Margaret just gave a weak smile. She knew what he was trying to do and she appreciated it, but she was also infuriated by it. For once she was being completely serious and honest with him and he cracked a joke! He was hiding his feelings. He was scared to talk to her. He didn't know what would come of it.

A FEW HOURS LATER IN MARGARET'S TENT

"Margaret, what do you want to talk about…You've had me here for over 20 minutes and you haven't said a word. What's wrong?" Hawkeye was genuinely concerned for Margaret, but he was also very confused. Was she going to scold him? Was she going to hit him? He didn't know.

Margaret turned and faced him for the first time since he entered her tent. She looked sad, almost melancholy. She simply asked him one question. "What do you think of me?" It was a loaded question, but Margaret could only think of those words.

"Margaret… I don't know what to tell you. I think you're the best nurse that I've ever worked with, you're great with the patients and you can be very funny when you want to be. Remember the sulpha between the two end tables?" Margaret had to smile. Hawkeye continued. "You also know that I think you are very attractive… Please don't hit me! I have come to know you more in recent months and I know now that you are an incredible woman." Hawkeye didn't know what else to say. He'd thought all these things, but he'd never guessed that Margaret would know from his own lips.

"Thank you Hawkeye." Margaret knew him well enough to know that he was being sincere.

"Margaret, why did you want to know this?"

"I wanted to know because I wanted to make sure that I'm not doomed to have an unhappy life. I wanted to know that I can still be liked… and that I can still be loved." She was on the verge of tears and Hawkeye knew that she was going to begin the waterworks soon. "Margaret, you can cry if you want. I'm here for you." With that, Margaret collapsed into his arms and cried for herself, for each and every patient that had died and for Hawkeye, the most unmilitary man in the world and the only one she loved.