Space.
Rachel needed space.
It's been more than a week since Thanksgiving, and her parents were still practicing their own version of cruel and unusual punishment. Her dad hasn't let her out of his sight since she came back from her run that morning and her mom was continuing to be unnervingly calm and understanding.
Against all of her protests, they spent the rest of their holiday weekend discussing her breakdown and absolutely everything leading up to it. When the dust settled, they had somehow come to the conclusion that Rachel needed to talk to a therapist to help her deal with all of the changes in her life, an objective adult who can assist with some of her problems. It seemed to her that all three of her parents had given her an ultimatum. She either talked to them or a professional. And Rachel was not comfortable with either.
Still, she promised to mull it over out of fear of being handed another consequence. They hadn't grounded her. Or taken away any privileges—yet, which was the complete opposite of what she was expecting. In fact, everything since then has been relatively normal. Or as normal as it could be.
It was now the following Friday and the entire week that passed by had been ordinary.
Things with her mom had gone back to routine. Her mother was prompt and attentive all week, not even a millisecond late for any of their meetings. However, everything also felt stiff and awkward between them. Their interactions were polite and conversations succinct. Neither one of them were trying to close the obvious rift. Rachel was still unsure of how she felt and Shelby was hesitant to make any other wrong moves. It was a precarious situation and both mother and daughter were unclear on how to move forward.
At the same time, Rachel was also dealing with the fact that although he never doled out an official punishment, her dad seemed to have grounded her.. to him. Apart from school and whenever she was with her mom, he spent the entire week keeping her under his watchful eye, scrutinizing her every action.
Rachel was trying to be patient, but the rapt attention was driving her insane. So when the stars aligned and her dad needed to work late Friday evening and her mom unexpectedly and very apologetically canceled their plans, Rachel was a little more than relieved for the space. She needed the free time to be alone and decompress.
"Stephen Sondheim?" Jesse St. James asked, a hint of amusement in his voice as he plucked the biography from Rachel's hands.
"Yeah," Rachel snatched the book back with a smirk. "Acclaimed Broadway composer. Ever heard of him?"
"Heard of him?" Jesse scoffed. "I often peruse the Sondheim biography section, because I find that only he is able to adequately express my melancholia."
Jesse leaned against the bookshelf then crossed his arms over his chest. He examined the brunette briefly and noticed the exhaustion prominent across her features.
"You're a hard woman to find, Rachel Berry," Jesse said, dropping his arms and giving her a sly grin. "I've been looking for you everywhere."
"Maybe I didn't want to be found," Rachel rolled her eyes. "What do you want, St. James?"
"Why didn't you tell me that Shelby Corcoran is your mother?" Jesse inquired, quickly grabbing Rachel's arm before she could walk away.
"Because it's none of your business," Rachel growled, pulling her arm away, a little more forcibly than she intended. She turned back around and sighed. "This is news to me too. I just found out recently. And I really don't want to talk about it right now, Jesse."
"Alright. I hear ya," the star singer said with his hands up. He gets it. He has his own mommy and daddy issues that he is also equally disinclined to discuss. "I'm just going to say one thing."
He gently grabbed Rachel's shoulders and turned her back around. Placing his hand on the small of her back, he led her to a large window offering a panoramic view of downtown Lima and the surrounding neighborhood.
"You see that, Berry?" Jesse asked rhetorically, moving to stand next to Rachel and staring solemnly straight ahead of him. "All of that—everything the light touches—could be yours.. If you join Vocal Adrenaline and help us win our third consecutive National Championship."
"Oh my god," Rachel groaned and with a powerful force, nudged him with her elbow. "You are such an idiot."
"Oh come on, Rachel!" Jesse exclaimed, roaring with laughter. "You're Shelby Corcoran's daughter, her heir apparent. Just think of what you'd be able to accomplish if you just leave those New Directions Lima losers and come join VA. I know you want to. I can see it in your eyes. You're talented, Rachel. You deserve to be on a team that will recognize that and appreciate that."
Rachel shook her head vehemently and tried to tune out what he was saying. Sure, sometimes she felt like her teammates only tolerated her for what she had to offer, but she also felt like they were really starting to be friends. And she was not at all prepared to entertain the idea of moving to a new school and starting on a new show choir team, especially one that her mother was in charge of, not when she was already struggling with so many other changes.
"Absolutely not," Rachel replied sternly. "I already told you that my allegiance is with New Directions. Besides, I know you're only trying to convince me to jump ship because you're scared. Face it, St. James, we're just as good as you guys. Maybe even better because at least we've got heart."
"Oh please," Jesse sneered. "I'll take my two National Championships over your feelings. At least I'll be graduating with something to show for it."
"Alright Jesse, whatever helps you sleep at night," Rachel rolled her eyes again. "Just leave me out of it. And what are you doing here bothering me anyway? Does an alarm go off on your phone every time I set foot into the bookstore? And better yet, why aren't you at rehearsal with your team of soulless automatons?"
Jesse smirked watching the irritated girl rant nonstop and glare at him in a manner that was eerily similar to his show choir coach. Rachel Berry sure was something. A kindred spirit of sorts. He knew they were both destined for greatness outside of their small town lives in Ohio.
"First of all, I detest that label. And second, we don't have rehearsal. Your mother canceled practice," Jesse sighed. He was getting a little worried with how lax his coach was becoming with Vocal Adrenaline preparation.
"What, why?"
"I don't know but she also left rehearsal early yesterday," Jesse added sadly. "She actually wasn't at school today, which is strange because I'm pretty sure she's never taken a day off. Shelby's sick right?"
Rachel knit her eyebrows together, confusion flooding her thoughts. Now that she thinks about it, her mother had been noticeably off while she was over on Wednesday, even more than usual, all things considered. And yesterday, she had called her hours before her bedtime to say goodnight, informing her that she was going to sleep early.
Rachel brushed it all off, attributing it to just all the current weirdness between them. Conflicted as she was, concern grew regardless and automatically.
"I don't know?" She pondered, surprised by the information.
"Well, it must be something important though, because Coach C cancels rehearsal for nothing or no one," Jesse shrugged. "I mean, if I'm not mistaken, Section 17, Rule 5 of our Vocal Adrenaline contract does say that no one is allowed to leave rehearsal for any reason whatsoever, including heat exhaustion or Crohn's disease. I think."
With a puzzled expression, Rachel just stared at Jesse, unsure of whether or not he's being serious.
"I—what? Never mind," she decided, shaking her head and zipping up her jacket. She looked Jesse dead in his clear blue eyes then placed a firm hand on his shoulder. "Listen, Jesse. I'll cut you a deal. Drive me to my mother's house and I will let you tell me all the reasons why you think I should join VA without complaint."
On the other side of town, Shelby woke up from a restless sleep in the early evening feeling terrible. The absolute worst she's felt physically in recent memory.
Sitting up cautiously, her head felt heavy on her neck, and her arms felt like she had weights attached to them. It felt like she could just shut her eyes and sleep forever despite the fact that she's been sleeping on and off all day and had been in bed since noon.
Her head pounding and stomach churning, she swallowed back nausea. But not even seconds later, she rapidly got out of bed and darted to the bathroom the moment her feet touched the ground.
Flinging herself to the toilet, Shelby's entire body trembled violently every time she leaned over to vomit. Her knees on the floor, she heaved long after there was nothing left to bring up. When she finished, only then did she realize how faint she suddenly felt. She was about to collapse when she felt the cold air hit her back as the bathroom door quickly opened, and in an instant found herself in the warm arms of her daughter.
Reacting purely on adrenaline, Rachel reached up and took the hair tie off of her own hair and quickly gathered up her mom's brunette locks out of her flushed face and bound it all up in a ponytail. Still supporting some of her mother's weight, she reached over, flushed the toilet, and closed the lid. She then pulled a towel off the bar and swiftly folded it into a makeshift pillow.
"Mom, here, lay your head down on the towel. I'll be right back, I promise."
Shelby plopped her head down on the towel and groaned miserably. She felt awful. She was freezing and burning hot at the same time. She couldn't stop her body from shaking. And she's not entirely sure if Rachel was really there or if she was dreaming the entire thing.
She got her answer a moment later when her daughter hastily walked back into the bathroom.
"Mom, can you sit up? Or do you still feel sick?"
It took a few seconds for Rachel's questions to register and it was only when she met her kid's panicked eyes looking down at her did she snap out of the nausea-induced stupor she was in. She waved her hand but made a move to sit up.
Rachel quickly helped Shelby sit up with her back against the bathroom wall. When she was reasonably certain that her mom was not going to fall over if left unattended, she got up and ran a washcloth under cool water.
"Mom, you're burning up. Is it okay if I wipe down your face? It might help you feel better?"
Shelby tried to move her head to nod, but a sharp ache followed her anywhere she turned. She let out a low moan in pain, feeling guilty at the frightened expression it elicited from her daughter. She closed her eyes.
"Just try not to move, mom," she heard Rachel tell her. It sounded far away, like they were speaking on opposite sides of a cave. The cold relief on her forehead was joined by some light dabs of cool moisture on her cheeks.
Keeping her eyes shut since it was helping keep the nausea at bay, she sat there helplessly while her daughter made several trips back to the sink to wet the washcloth and gently and thoroughly cleaned all the signs of sickness off of her face. After a few minutes of this, Shelby began to feel a little better. She opened her eyes warily and once again met her daughter's deep brown eyes, piercing into her with concern.
"Honey, what are you doing here?" She managed to croak out, wincing at how hoarse she sounded.
"I ran into Jesse downtown and he told me you were sick. I wanted to check on you. I told dad. Are you okay, mom?" Rachel implored, her voice thick with emotion.
"I'm—" Shelby suddenly broke out into a series of severe hacking coughs that left her breathless and Rachel even more worried than before.
"I'm fine," She tried again. She inhaled deeply, trying to get as much air into her congested airways as possible. "I'm sorry. I'm okay, Rach. You shouldn't be here. I don't want you to catch whatever I have."
"No, no, it's okay," the girl said, shaking her head in protest. "I want to be here. And my immune system is remarkable. Trust me, I don't get sick."
If she had the energy, Shelby would've laughed at the conviction in her daughter's voice but she just smiled slightly in amusement. She placed her hand on Rachel's arm and wanted to say thank you but another dramatic and painful coughing fit interrupted her.
Rachel jumped into action and grabbed the bottle of water she left to grab earlier and handed it to Shelby. The woman graciously accepted and took small sips of the warm water under her daughter's watchful gaze.
"Stay here. I'll be right back again," Rachel instructed a second later while she got up and walked out of the bathroom in haste for the second time.
Setting the water bottle down, Shelby sighed heavily when she caught a glimpse of herself on the full-body mirror. She looked just as bad as she felt. Her normally healthy and glowing skin looked sallow and her cheekbones appeared more prominent than ever.
Shelby then frowned thinking about how she must look to her daughter. She's made it a point to stay strong and composed around her child since the moment they met. It's what she felt like she had to do. It's what she promised herself that she'd do. Especially this past week.
The sound of Rachel's hurried footsteps interrupted her thoughts and she looked up to the sight of her kid holding a banana, box of crackers, and medicine in hand. Thoughtful to a fault, she recalled one of Leroy's first descriptions of their daughter.
"I got you medicine, mom," Rachel explained her absence as she crouched back down. "But dad and daddy always make me eat a little first before I take anything, so I also got you some food. Do you want the banana or crackers?"
Shelby just stared at her, wanting to say a million things right now but nothing came out.
"I'm sorry," Shelby said piteously, clearing her throat. "Thank you, Rach. But you shouldn't have to take care of me. I'm okay."
The woman tried to get up but she was struck by another wave of dizziness at the abrupt movement. Disoriented, she sank back down to the ground in defeat.
"Mom! Please just sit back down and stay still," Rachel admonished, raising her eyebrow perfectly in a way that left no room for arguments.
Feeling effectively reprimanded by her almost 14-year-old child, Shelby numbly nodded and sat as still as possible. She watched Rachel open the box of crackers and pulled out a sleeve. She then sat down next to her on the ground and offered her the saltine.
Shelby tentatively accepted and took an experimental nibble on a cracker. When it went down without trouble, she ate a few more and Rachel handed her the water bottle again. Shelby stared at it thoughtfully before opening it.
"Rachel—"
"I still love you, mom," Rachel reached over and wiped away a stray tear that escaped, in the same gentle and loving manner that she's seen her mother do it to her countless times now. "And I know that even if you don't want me, that you still need me. And that's why I'm not going anywhere. Right? That's what you told me."
Overwhelmed with love for her child, Shelby released a shaky breath she's felt like she's been holding around Rachel for days now. She closed her eyes and leaned her cheek against her daughter's hand for a moment, blinking away the last of the tears she didn't even realize she'd been crying.
"I don't know what I did to deserve you, Rach," Shelby whispered more to herself than anything else. "Thank you."
Rachel nodded and gave her a small smile in response. She got up a moment later and grabbed a bottle of medicine then offered a couple pills to her.
"Are you okay?" Rachel inquired once she was satisfied that her mom was going to keep the medicine down.
"Yes, I'm okay," Shelby replied, leaning her head back against the cool wall. She placed her hand on her daughter's arm and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "And we will be too."
The next morning, Rachel carefully opened the door to her room in her mom's house and peeked out the hallway. She looked to the left then to the right listening for movement.
The teenager tiptoed down the hallway and stopped momentarily outside of her mother's bedroom. She had woken up a few minutes earlier to the sound of Shelby's whooping coughs permeating the early morning silence.
She took a timid step into the room and examined her mom's unmoving body then listened to her labored breathing for a few moments. Satisfied that the woman was still asleep, Rachel spun around and quietly made her way downstairs.
After helping Shelby to bed last night, Rachel made a last-minute decision to spend the night in case her mother took a turn for the worse. She even set a couple alarms, so she could make sure to check in on her throughout the night.
Before her second alarm went off, she woke up with a start when she heard her mom's coughing get worse. Attempting to control an irrational form of worry surging through her body, she decided to call her Aunt Kim, who she knew was working the night shift at the hospital, and apprised the nurse of the situation.
After quelling her fears, Kim promised that she would stop by in the morning to check on her sister herself. A woman of her word, it was her who Rachel found outside the door promptly at 7:00 in the morning with medicine and sustenance in hand.
"Morning, Rae!" Kim greeted with just a little too much energy and cheer for someone who just worked a 12-hour graveyard shift.
"Hey Aunt Kim, thanks for coming," Rachel said gratefully, placing a quick kiss on her cheek.
"Thanks for calling me," Kim replied, following her niece into kitchen. "Shelly would've suffered for days before she'd ask for help. She's the worst when she's sick."
"She was really bad yesterday," Rachel agreed as she took the extra bags from her aunt and placed them on the counter. "Like, she was throwing up and coughing. It was gross."
Kim let out a small chuckle watching the teen grimace at the memory.
"I think it might just be a bad case of the flu," Kim assured. "And maybe the stress. I know she's been preoccupied with work and also everything else, I guess. She just needs to rest and flush it out of her system."
Kim paused and watched her niece chewing her lip and struggling with what to say, she intervened.
"I missed you at Thanksgiving, Rae," she said softly, reaching out to touch the young girl's cheek. "But I understand. And me, your uncle Brian, your cousins, and your grandparents will all wait as long as we have to. Okay? Whenever you're ready, there's no rush."
Rachel's lips quirked upwards at her aunt's reassurances. But her smile fell just as quickly thinking about how messy everything has been recently.
"Are you okay?" Kim inquired, noticing the range of emotions that had just flit across Rachel's face.
"I'm still mad at her, Aunt Kim."
"Well, have you tried talking to her?"
"She hasn't tried talking to me!"
"I think she might just be scared."
"Scared of what?" Rachel questioned, a mixture of annoyance and disbelief in her voice. Her mom was Shelby Corcoran. Coach Corcoran. She can't possibly be scared of anything.
"Of making you more mad? Of pushing you away?" Kim replied neutrally, taking her niece's hand in her own in an attempt to keep her from flying off the handle.
Rachel furrowed her brows deeply, an all-too familiar frustration coursing freely through her veins.
"But that's not fair," Rachel whined.
"What's not fair, Rae?" Kim asked and bit back a smirk at the obstinate look that took over her stubborn niece's face. She squeezed the young diva's hand to encourage her to continue talking. She knew Rachel needed to start to process this.
"I don't know, everything," Rachel moped. She let go of her aunt's hand and slumped her shoulders. Her entire body and countenance dropped dramatically and she released a loud, drawn out sigh. "I'm supposed to be mad at her, but now I can't be because she's all sick and you're guilting me into forgiving her."
Kim couldn't help the laugh of amusement that escaped her lips. Rachel was so much like her older sister. In the best and most dramatic way possible.
The teenager huffed and crossed her arms in response.
"Aunt Kimmie, don't laugh at me," Rachel said in a hurt tone. "I'm being serious."
Kim instantly sobered up and felt her heart flutter at her niece's new nickname for her. She walked over to the sullen girl and brought her in for a hug, smiling when Rachel melted into her embrace.
"I'm sorry, Rae. I didn't mean to laugh," Kim said apologetically while she rubbed her niece's back in comfort. After a few moments, she pulled away and looked over the hurt girl with concern. "I get it. And you are totally allowed to feel how you feel. Your mom messed up. She promised you one thing, but then did the other."
"She did," Rachel pouted pitifully. "I needed her."
"I know you did, kid," Kim smiled at her sadly. "But it was a mistake, Rachel. Shelly didn't intend to make you feel like you couldn't come to her. I know that for a fact."
Rachel nodded her head in acknowledgment of her aunt's words but something deep inside her was keeping her from absorbing it fully. She sighed again realizing that the only person she really wanted to talk to about this was her mother.
"You have every right to be upset with your mom, Rachel. But you can't keep punishing her forever," Kim continued. "At least you shouldn't. I know it's hurting you just as much as it's hurting her."
"Okay, I'll think about it," Rachel stated, not committed to making any promises.
"That's all I ask," Kim grinned and placed a quick kiss on the top of her niece's head. She began to walk away but paused momentarily then turned back around. "Rae? For what it's worth, I just want you to know that before all of this happened, I haven't seen your mom this happy since well, I don't know, maybe before you were born? I just—I don't know if she's talked to you about it but Shelly had a really hard time giving you up and being away from you for all those years. And it was only pretty recently that she's started to come to terms with it. Then all of a sudden you're back and she's a mom. And I'm not defending what she did. She should've just been honest with you, but it's hard being a mom. I'm still learning and struggle constantly, so I can only imagine how Shelly must feel being so new at this. But I know she loves you more than anything, so I also know she's going to try her best. Just remember that."
"I will," Rachel whispered, her stomach flipping. She doesn't want to talk about this anymore.
Picking up on the teenager's rising internal panic, Kim quickly decided to shift gears and change the subject.
"Good, now let's eat? I brought some extra waffles for us. And I've been dying to talk to you about this, but you absolutely must tell me all the gossip you have from Quinn about Frannie and Will."
Rachel's defenses automatically went down and she let out a joyful laugh. Music to Kim's ears.
"Yeah, glee club has been interesting with Quinn," Rachel chuckled as she perched herself on the stool, watching the older woman prepare their breakfast. "Aunt Kim?"
"Yeah, Rae?" Kim paused to give Rachel her undivided attention.
"You're a great aunt, so I can't really imagine you struggling. I think Robby and Lily are lucky to have you."
"Aw thanks, kid," Kim said, beaming at her niece. "That means a lot to me. And you better believe that I'm going to remind you that you said that whenever you get mad at me."
A little more than an hour later, Shelby walked into the kitchen extremely confused at the sight of her daughter standing over the sink washing dishes.
"Rach?"
Completely engrossed with the chore, the teen first flinched in surprise at the call then spun around to meet her mom's curious gaze.
Rachel gave her a polite smile then shifted her focus back to cleaning the last plate.
"Morning mom, how do you feel?" Rachel asked, not breaking from her dishwashing mission.
"Hi—good morning, honey. How long have you been here?" Shelby inquired, glancing at the clock. It was only a little after 8:00. It was way too early for her kid to be over doing chores.
"Mom, what are you talking about? I spent the night," Rachel replied as she turned back around to face Shelby, drying her hands with the kitchen towel.
"Oh, what? Where did you sleep?"
"In my room," the teen said nonchalantly with a shrug of her shoulders. "We talked about this last night, mom. You even made me call dad and daddy to let them know, remember?"
"No," Shelby responded, confusion marked all over her face. She must've been more out of it than she realized. Of course the first night that her child spends in her house, she's too disoriented to realize it. Mother of the year indeed. "I'm sorry, Rach. I must've been confused. I didn't realize. I would've tucked you in or checked if you were okay. Did you sleep alright?"
"It's okay, I was fine, and I slept well," Rachel answered truthfully. In fact, despite waking up periodically throughout the night, it was some of the most comfortable sleep she's had in more than a week.
"Good," Shelby smiled timidly. "Well, thank you for staying, Rach. I really appreciate that."
Rachel nodded in acceptance but felt uncomfortable at how grateful the woman sounded for something as simple as her spending the night. Had she really pushed her mom away that much?
"Are you feeling better?" Rachel prompted, needing to change the subject.
"Yeah, a bit," Shelby admitted as she stretched her limbs. She had woken up feeling significantly better. She could breathe easier and was less congested now, but still felt weak and sluggish.
"Did you cook?" The mother craned her neck, trying to find the source of the delicious smell tickling her nose.
"No," Rachel laughed at the thought. "Besides, you told me that I'm not allowed to touch anything in your kitchen after PizzaGate. I called Aunt Kim last night and she brought by breakfast. Waffles, of course. And also soup for you to eat later. And some more medicine. And she said she's going to stop by again tonight before her night shift to check on you."
Surprised and sincerely touched by the gesture, Shelby closed the distance between them and pulled her kid in for a hug for the first time in days. Her heart felt like it could burst feeling Rachel slowly wrap her arms around her. Shelby held on tightly and kissed the top of her daughter's head. She hopes she can close the emotional distance between them too.
"Thank you, Rach," Shelby said with as much gratitude as she can muster. "You didn't have to do that."
"I just called Aunt Kim, mom. It's no big deal," the teen shrugged while she let go and stepped away from her mother's embrace. As good as it felt, she wasn't ready for too much physical affection yet.
"Still," Shelby replied, steeling herself at how Rachel seemed to tense up again after their hug. Baby steps, she reminded herself. "I appreciate the concern. You don't have to take care of me."
"I know, but you always take care of me," Rachel countered, worry coloring her expression. "Who's going to take care of you?"
"Ba—" Shelby sighed, remembering her daughter's rebuke of the term of endearment last week. "Rachel," she corrected. "I am sorry."
"I know mom," the girl dropped her gaze and moved away from the older woman. Her eyes trained to the floor, she walked around to the other side of the island to put some needed space between them.
Rachel started taking food out of the plastic bags and turned around to open a cabinet then grabbed some dishes. She set it down then began assembling a plate of waffles and a bowl of fruit. Only once she was finished, she finally looked up and met anxious green eyes.
"I am sorry too. For everything. For running away. For being mad. I know I've been so weird lately, but it's only because I just—I feel uncomfortable around you right now. I don't know why. I'm so sorry, mom. I'm still hurt and confused by everything, and I think I need more time."
Rachel just stared at her sadly with watery eyes and pushed the plate of food towards her. Shelby's heart effectively snapped into two at her daughter's kindness despite how she felt.
She hates this.
"Okay," Shelby nodded and forced herself to smile slightly. This wasn't up to her. If Rachel needed more time, that's exactly what she's going to give her. "I understand. I will wait however long you need."
"You will?" Rachel asked, in a tone more unsure than the mother was comfortable with.
"Of course I will," Shelby promised then leaned over and squeezed her daughter's arm. "But please don't shut me out for too long, Rach. I love you and I miss you, so much. And I want to help you, more than anything—I just want to help."
Rachel nodded understandingly. She opened the drawer to her right, pulled out utensils, and handed them to her mother.
"Me too, mom."
A/N: Thanks a ton for reading and sharing all your thoughts with me about this story. It is always appreciated!
Next chapter will include some of the glee kids, a hospital visit, and more of S/R fixing things between them (promise).