February 4th,
It's been 10 years. 10 long and cold years I've been on my own. My friends are gone, we've all grown older and drifted apart. They say getting old is not easy or fun, I'd have to say that is right. Growing up and living our lives, starting families, pursuing our dreams, is what everyone had hopes to do some day. After all, fighting crime was fun when we were young, but one by one our enemies fell, and eventually, we were not needed anymore. Robin and Starfire ended up moving away and getting married. Cyborg decided to chase his dream and became a mentor for youth with degenerative diseases, and Beast Boy ended up traveling all over the world. I haven't spoken to anyone in years. I'm the only one left who doesn't have a dream to chase. I've been left to suffer in this hell all alone. I have had hopes that one day things would be different. That I could have them all back, but those days are long gone. It's not easy to grow up. I have no one, nothing, this is what I was made for, yet the human in me yearns to have some sort of normal life. I've been robbed of these things my entire life. There are thoughts that circle my mind each day. I am nothing. I feel nothing, yet so much all at once. Maybe it's best I've been alone all this time, because I don't think my heavy mind could take another ounce on pain.
Lately, I've been consumed with the thought of how to bring Terra back. It's been the only thing on my mind for these last 10 years. She was always so kind, so sweet. When she was around, I had hope, I had...light in my life. She touched so many people. Even me, the monster I am. I had trust issues at first, but over time her laughter was...contagious, it was able to Pierce through all the dark thoughts in my head and bring me some peace. She gave me hope for myself.
Truth is, I've been trapped in this cycle of suffering. Since I was born my whole purpose was to be a portal, nothing more than to wonder this planet searching for why I belong. I had no one to guide me. No one there for me. My father...I can't even speak of him. I was never wanted, never needed, never a thought in anyone's mind. Over the last 30 years I've struggled with dark thoughts, depression, drug and alcohol use, and anxiety. I'm a prisoner in my own mind. The paranoia haunts me. I've always felt like I'm being followed, like everyone is laughing at me, like their angry eyes are judging me for what I have done. My empath capabilities have really taken a toll on me. To feel everyone around me, to hear them, to see their sadness, on top of my own sorrow is miserable. I question my belonging, my worth, and my sanity. There are still demonic voices in my head that haunt me daily. All of this has caused me to be self-destructive, so desperate for a moment of silence. Though my father is long gone, the effects he had on me have not faded.
I hope that one day, I'll be okay. I've tried so hard to be alright. I've fought and battled, yet somehow, I still stand. It's exhausting. I have nothing to keep me moving. There is nothing but silence here, yet it is the most deafening sound. I'm not even sure if I can be helped. I just want relief. I've tried ending my life three times since I was sixteen. I can't even seem to do that right.. Five years ago, I tried to hang myself in the place that my friends once called home. I vaguely remember hearing a gentle and familiar whispering voice in my head just as I began to fall and I stiffened up. "Don't do this.." The voice said and the angelic voice echoed over and over in my mind. Seconds felt like hours as I felt a sudden jolt and a wave of pain overtook me. I remember trying to scream, but instead all of the air was forced out of me. I blacked out. When I woke up, I was on the ground, tangled in the rope. By shear luck the rope tore as the weight of my body tugged on it. I ended up severely bruising my neck and damaging my vocal cords. Since that night, I've questioned what happened on that night. I remember once connecting with Terra telepathically, and once I've done that, there's a slight chance that they can communicate back.
The only thing that has given me purpose was Terra. She was the only person I've ever met over my lifetime that made me feel like I could have some normal life. Her positive outlook on life was uplifting and sincere.
When Terra turned to stone, so did I. My mind has been dormant and cold, just as the day she left us. I wonder if she is okay? I wonder if she is feeling anything...The waves of emotion that have engulfed my soul have not been silenced. Instead they scream at me and torment me in ways that cut me so deeply I just can't even breathe sometimes. My soul has been lost and wandering for so many years.
I have done much research and studying of the darkest of magics to find a way to bring her back. Though my magic is dark and powerful, I have not found the spells that can reverse things such as this. I can manipulate darkness, talk to people through their minds, see glimpses of the future, heal people by absorbing it onto myself, but something as simple as reversing a reanimating a fossil, so to speak, is absolutely mind boggling to me. Over the many generations of my people, the most powerful and controlling spells have not been passed down for fear that they would be used for evil. I've seen my powers do some scary things, and over the years I have taught myself many other spells. I think I may have finally hit a lead on how to use my magic to reverse Terra's condition. My mind is racing, and I cannot put my words together. This diary is the only thing that keeps me sane these days. For the first time in a while, I can focus. This may even be a dead end, but I haven't wasted 10 years for nothing. If anything, this is my purpose.
She placed the pen in her journal and gently closed it. She was sat on her bed with one leg up and the other straight out leaned against her headboard. She let out a deep sigh and then stared off at the moon outside of her window from across the room. The darkness painted her room with a dull light and a gentle breeze as her curtains danced in the cool night air.
She sat up and begin to put her hair in a messy bun. As she began messing with her hair, she had a realization that she hadn't slept in days nor had she meditated. She wasn't even blinking. She leaned over and grabbed a bottle of pills from her night stand. Desperate for relief of any kind, she took a couple and swallowed them with ease. This wasn't anything unusual for her. Time went on as she stared into the darkness of her room. Her vision began to blur and her head started to feel heavy. She reached over and grabbed a cigarette. She slowly put it to her lips and lit it. With a deep inhale she leaned her head back and slowly exhaled. Smoke pouring from her nose and mouth. There were so many emotions circling through her head. Had her time come? Would this really be it? She had no idea of what was to come next, but she knew she had to try.
"What if this works?" She mumbled to herself. Her thoughts were consuming her. She had come to terms with one very certain truth about Terra. She had developed some sort of feelings for her. Whenever she was around, Raven would feel these feelings that she had never experienced before. She wasn't sure if it was love or not. She had often dreamt of Terra and the way her long blonde hair would flow as she walked. The way her gentle touch sent shocks through Ravens body. The way her smile could light up a room.
Raven caught herself smiling at the thought of Terra. She shook her head to snap herself out of her trance. She got up and walked over to Terra's old room. As the door opened she placed her hand on the frame and leaned up against it. She moved her eyes all over the dimly lit room, looking for something…anything. As her curious eyes scanned the room she caught a glimpse of something shining in the light. She stumbled over to Terra's dresser and gently reached down to find Terra's hair clip. She held it in her shaky hands and stared for a bit at it.
"Maybe this is the last piece." She said out loud.
She looked up from the dresser into the mirror sitting to her right. Her eyes were gray and cold looking. Red and dry. The wrinkles in her face were deep and defined. Her face was sunk in under her eyes and cheeks. Her lips were dry and cracked. She reached for the mirror and gently placed her hand on the reflection of her face.
"fuck.." She said under her breath.
She pulled herself from her thoughts and walked out to the living room with the hair clip still gently resting in her hands. She walked slowly as the long hall ways around her felt as if they were spinning. She finally stumbled into the living room and sat at the table. On the table sat two small crystal glasses and a bottle of whiskey, glistening in the dull light of the moon shining in. She used her powers to pick up the bottle and pour herself a glass. There was nothing but silence in the tower, it was almost maddening to her. She looked over to the glass and took a drink of the mind numbing liquid. Before she knew it her glass was gone and she was on to the next one. This same pattern continued for some time before she could no long feel her body. She sat back on the couch and laid her head on the top of the back, looking at the ceiling. She let out a long sigh as the room was spinning around her. After some time, she attempted to walk to her room, but as she stood up, all of the mixed feelings of the alcohol and pills had completely consumed her mind and body. She stood up and let out a deep breath as she fell to the ground.