"I still don't understand what the point of having a garage is if you're still going to park the car on the driveway," Rachel said, flicking the rain off her body in discontent as she wiped her boots on the mat.
Shelby grabbed Rachel's damp jacket and hung it in the coat closet before shedding her own. "Yet I never hear you complaining about it whenever you're in there using the dance studio. And it's just water, Rach. It's not going to kill you."
"Whatever, I just hate it when it rains," the teenager grumbled.
Sighing, the mother opened the drenched umbrella and set it on the door mat to dry before facing her daughter. "Please take a quick shower and then come back downstairs when you're finished," she instructed. "I'd like to finish our discussion earlier."
"Mom I'm tired, can we please just talk about this tomorrow?" Rachel whined in a high tenor, as if just to illustrate how exhausted she was.
"Well, if you would've just talked to me during dinner, like I asked you to, multiple times, then you could be going to bed now," Shelby countered back. She was also spent. More than that. But the one thing that she's learned about her daughter in the past few months was to never send the girl to bed upset, because she would not be able to fall asleep. Shelby's learned this the hard way one too many times dealing with a cantankerous-Rachel the morning after. It was a better strategy to resolve things as much as possible before they both resigned for the night.
"I already did talk. To Dr. Montgomery. Like you ask me to all the time," Rachel argued. "Isn't that the point, mother? Therapy, so you don't have to deal with me yourself?"
"Hey," Shelby grasped Rachel's arm before the girl could even think about walking away. "Absolutely not, Rach. I understand you are upset and that it's been a long day, but you do not get to speak to me that way. I really don't want to fight, kid, so please drop the attitude."
"Okay," the younger brunette relented with a dejected sigh. "Fine. I'm sorry."
"Thank you," Shelby smiled wearily before liberating her arm. "I promise it won't take long, baby. I just want to make sure we're on the same page."
"Mhmm," Rachel huffed indignantly as she stomped up the stairs. "Whatever you say."
Channeling patience, Shelby set her lips in a fine line and pressed them together to fight back a smart reply. She was the adult. She was in charge. She had to rise above.
A moment later, the resounding sound of the door slamming echoed throughout the house and Shelby bit down down on her tongue, hard.
Adult, in charge, rise, she repeated over and over again in her head as she also made her way upstairs.
More than an hour later, after her own shower and a lengthy phone call with Hiram and Leroy to fill the fathers in on the situation, Shelby stepped out into the hallway to find Rachel's bedroom door closed and light turned off. Frowning, she knocked on the door and waited for an answer. After a few seconds of subsequent silence, she walked back downstairs to search for the teenager, hoping that she had just gone down to obey her directions.
She headed for the office first, knowing that it was the girl's favorite space in the house, and then moved to the kitchen after not finding her there. And living room next. The basement. Even the garage. When she completed a sweep of the ground floor to no avail, frustration crackled inside of her and irritation quickened her blood. She ran up the stairs, two at a time, while brainstorming all the ways she was going to murder her daughter if she was not in her bedroom.
Forgoing the courtesy, Shelby ripped the door open to the sight of an unmoving lump lying on the bed and instantly felt some of the edge dissipate. She sighed knowing full well that there was no way her kid was asleep. She flipped the light on without warning, which caused Rachel to immediately duck under the covers in an attempt to hide from her.
"Rach, I knocked on the door earlier, why didn't you answer?" Shelby asked as she crossed the room. "I know you're not sleeping kid, and I told you earlier that I wanted to talk."
Rachel felt the mattress dip as her mother sat down next to her and she couldn't help but scoot further under her blanket, desperately wishing that she was anywhere else in the world right now. She wasn't purposefully trying to be defiant. She didn't even have it in her to argue. It was just that the absolute last thing she was interested in at the moment was discussing how much of a loser she was at school with her mother. With Shelby Corcoran, of all people.
"Rachel," Shelby said gently but firmly, reaching her hand out to rest on her child under the covers. "Please sit up so we can talk."
Rachel only burrowed down in response and shifted away from her mother's touch. She drew the duvet down as close and as tight to her body as possible as if that single act would protect her from the torrent of emotions currently raining down on her. She just wanted to be alone. Why didn't her mother understand that?
"I don't want to mom, please go away," she begged, her voice muffled.
"Baby," Shelby softened her tone, hoping it would draw her daughter from her hiding place. She was expecting a fight from her smart-alecky and sometimes too brazen teenager, not this. Flooded immediately with concern, she reached out again and rubbed her daughter's back with a gentle hand. "What's going on, my love? Are you afraid of being in trouble? Because I'm not going to punish you, Rach. I just talked to your dads and I promise we're not mad. Although we do wish that you would've just come to us instead of trying to figure it out on your own, we're not interested in giving you a consequence for trying to stick up for yourself. Your grounding will still be over tomorrow kid, I promise. Just please talk to me Rach, I just want to make sure you're okay."
Under the blanket, Rachel bit down on her lip and fought every urge she had to cry. Even the assurance of leniency wasn't enough for her to emerge from her protective cocoon. There was far too much on her mind right now and she wasn't keen on sharing any of it with her mother.
"I'm fine, mom," she replied, betrayed that her voice sounded congested like it always did when she was crying. "I'm just really tired, can we please talk about this tomorrow?"
Picking up the sure sounds of sniffling, Shelby exhaled a worried sigh as she stood up. "Okay, Rach," she agreed while she walked over to the door, then flicked the light off. "I'm hearing you and we can talk about it tomorrow. But I am not leaving you alone."
In one fluid motion, Shelby kicked off her slippers and climbed into the bed then carefully peeled the covers away. Before Rachel could react, Shelby pulled her into a warm embrace. "Come here baby, I've got you."
Rachel flipped over and tried to push past the massive lump in her throat to explain herself, but she didn't get so much as a strangled sob out before Shelby drew her in even closer, her arms encompassing her daughter completely. That was all it took for Rachel to lose any pretense of control and she finally unleashed every taunt, every slushie, every single hurtful word or action hurled her way that she's been harboring deep inside for weeks.
"You're okay, my love," Shelby assured, stroking her daughter's back in a soothing manner. "Everything will be alright, I promise. Just let it out, Rach. I've got you. I'm here."
The following morning, Rachel woke up alone and only vaguely aware of her surroundings. She peeked at the alarm and noticed it was almost nine o'clock. While the lateness of the hour would have normally been enough to jolt her out of bed, she wasn't exactly chomping at the bit to begin her day.
She shut her eyes in resignation as last night's events automatically flashed through her mind. With a groan, she pulled the covers over her head again. Maybe if she just stayed in bed she could avoid her mother. Avoid their impending talk. Avoid dealing with everything being out in the open. Avoid it all.
Rachel stayed under the protective shield of her blanket for an undetermined amount of time. It was only when she heard the pinging sound of an incoming notification did she free herself from the tangled covers. Another chime caused her to sit up and she scanned her eyes across the room before landing on her cell phone laid on top of a neatly folded pile of clothes on the desk.
Getting up immediately, she walked over and inspected the phone first, suddenly remembering that this was her first day of freedom in almost a month. She began to look through the deluge of weeks' worth of notifications before her eyes drifted back to the pile of clothes, her stomach flip flopping instantly realizing they were the now-clean but previously-ruined pieces of clothing she had stuffed in her backpack from the past week. Her smile faltering, she also picked up a note placed next to the objects.
"Had to run an errand. I'll be back around 9:30 to pick you up. Please be ready to come with me to VA rehearsal. Breakfast downstairs."
Brows furrowing, she unlocked her phone and dialed her mom's number. It only took two rings for the woman to answer.
"Mom, why do I have to go to rehearsal with you? I just woke up, can't I just stay here? I am ungrounded, right?"
"Good morning to you too Rach, I'm glad you're up," Shelby greeted on the other line. "Have you eaten?"
"Mom," Rachel whined in staunch protest. This was the first free time she had to do whatever she pleased, completely unrestricted since the new year started. And it was rather unfair that she had to spend it going to work with her mother. "Please let me stay home. Your rehearsals last forever."
"Rachel, no. I'm not asking. I am on my way back home to pick you up and you are coming to rehearsal with me," Shelby said."I am only doing lyric checks this morning, it won't last longer than an hour and a half at most. I promise."
"But why? You always used to let me stay home alone. And why are you even going in to work? Isn't that why you hired Dustin, so you don't have to work Saturday rehearsals anymore?"
"Rachel, I am not interested in negotiating," Shelby chided, her tone firm and unwavering. "Unless you want to be grounded for all of February too, please get ready to come to Carmel with me. We're having lunch with your father after my rehearsal and then we have few other errands to run this afternoon."
Shelby heard the teenager groan audibly in response. Exhausted and frustrated, the mother sucked in a sharp inhale. While normally she was perfectly fine with leaving her daughter at home to fend for herself, she was a little more than hesitant to leave the girl alone with everything going on. It took her almost until midnight to settle her child down. Even then, she got barely any rest watching Rachel struggle through a fitful sleep. And while she was becoming well versed with her kid's aptitude for dramatics, Shelby knew that there was something inherently wrong with her daughter. But since Rachel refused to speak to her about it, she could only guess that the bullying situation affected the girl more than she let on. In the meanwhile, the only option she felt comfortable with at the moment was to keep her daughter close.
"But—"
"No buts, Rachel Barbra. Be ready in fifteen minutes or else," Shelby warned, gritting her teeth as the line went dead on the other end. "Adult, in charge, rise," the mother muttered her newly-adopted mantra to herself.
Yet another argument and a grueling silence-filled car ride later, Shelby walked through the halls of Carmel with a purposeful stride and her obstinate child trailing behind her. She was already running behind schedule and one of her biggest pet peeves was rushing. She was a stickler for preparation and punctuality. Tenets that were challenged every day now that she had a teenager.
She made her way to the auditorium in haste and paused right outside the door before turning to regard her daughter sternly.
"I understand you are not pleased with being here right now, so I will compromise. Here are my keys," Shelby offered, holding them up over Rachel's outstretched hand. "You may… hang out in my office, go on my computer, or use any of the practice rooms. The login password is your birthday and all the sheet music are in my file cabinet. But you are to stay in that wing and go nowhere else, Rachel. Am I clear? I will check in on you in exactly 45 minutes."
After eliciting a nod in confirmation, Shelby dropped the keys into the teenager's grasp then placed a quick kiss on top of her head. "Good. Go on, my love. I'll see you soon."
Content with the arrangement, Rachel obeyed orders and strolled through the familiar route to the vocal coach's office. At least if her mother was working, then the woman wouldn't be able to pry or coerce her into talking. In fact, she would truly rather be grounded for another month than begin to discuss the fact that she was being picked on day in and day out.
Immersed with her thoughts, she rounded the corner towards her destination and total fear pulsed through her body when an unknown hand from behind covered her mouth and pulled her into the darkness. Pure adrenaline and an innate sense of survival roared inside of her and without another thought, she used the only weapon she had available.
"Ow! Holy shit, Rachel!" Jesse exclaimed as he released his grasp. Grimacing from the pain, he clenched his throbbing finger as the seething girl turned around to face him. "Did you just bite me? Why would you do that?"
Coming down from one of the most frightening moments of her life, fury seared right through her and Rachel pushed the boy away with a forceful shove. "Why would you grab me like that! What the hell, Jesse! I thought I was dying. You could've been anyone!"
"I'm sorry," Jesse said, switching the light on in the spacious practice room then shut the door behind him. "I've literally been trying to call after you but you weren't paying attention. Bad joke, sorry."
"Terrible joke, you stalker," Rachel said, still clutching her pounding chest. "You couldn't think of any other way to grab my attention?"
"Yes sorry, that was a bit much," he admitted. He sat down on the piano bench and inspected his still-pulsating hand.
"Sorry for biting you. Does it hurt?" Rachel asked guiltily.
"I think I'll survive," Jesse smirked, wiggling them up in the air. "But sheesh Berry, remind me to never provoke you ever again."
"Shut up," Rachel laughed. "What do you want anyway? Isn't rehearsal starting?"
Blue eyes glanced down at a watch. "In about seven minutes, but I wanted to talk to you because I need you to tell your mother that you begged me not to tell her about the slushie-ing. Because I am convinced that she's going to kill me. Or worse, kick me off VA."
Her face falling, Rachel shook her head in sincere confusion. "What are you talking about?"
"Shelby found out about the bullying happening at school, right? She was over my house this morning. I woke up and she was in the living room talking to my dad about it. I overheard something about a dude named Figgins being fired and something else about funding. And then I ran into her on her way out and I panicked, okay, do not judge me, but I told her I was glad that she knew and—"
"Wait, I don't understand," Rachel interjected, growing even more perplexed. "Why was she talking to your dad about it?"
"Oh, well, he's the Superintendent of Lima Public Schools. You didn't know?"
"What? No, how would I know that? Why? What else did my mom say? Why would you tell her that you knew?" Rachel pounced. This is exactly why she didn't tell her parents, because she knew that they would just escalate it. And in her opinion, there was no reason to. She was handling it.
"I don't know!" Jesse said in matching fervor and threw his hands up dramatically. "Why would you tell me not to tell her? She's your mom, Rach. Besides, aren't you glad that she does know now, so you can finally stop dealing with that crap?"
"I—" Rachel paused and swallowed the anxiety rising in her throat. "Yeah, I guess, but you still shouldn't have said anything!"
"What does it matter! She already knew!" Jesse lobbed. "She asked me when I found out and how long I've known and when I told her, all she said was 'oh, interesting' and then just gave me that look, you know? That look."
Jesse attempted to twist his face into his best impression of the legendary Coach Corcoran glare and Rachel only burst out into a hearty laughter in response.
"You look like you're about to pass gas," she pointed out. "Please, never do that again."
"Whatever," Jesse flushed beet red. "Anyway, I don't know what 'oh, interesting' means so you have to tell her that you asked me not to say anything to her. I know she's your mom and all, but she's also my teacher and my coach and she essentially controls my life. And if I really had to choose my allegiance between you and Shelby Corcoran, it's going to be her. Sorry. She has a Tony."
"You're the worst!" Rachel admonished. "I thought we were friends!"
"We are," Jesse flashed her a crooked smile. "And as if you wouldn't do the same."
"Fair," Rachel conceded, not realizing that she had begun to pace the length of the rehearsal space. "Fine, I'll tell her. I'm sorry Jesse, I didn't mean to bring you in the middle of it. It's just—ugh I don't know, I hate this."
"Yeah, I'm sure. It's really messed up," Jesse said sympathetically. "I still can't even believe how long you've been taking it. If it were me, I'd have blown up weeks ago. But don't you at least feel better now that it's all out there? At least it's not just your problem anymore. I told you before, you don't deserve to put up with that. What even happened? How did Shelby find out? Cause I take it that you didn't spill."
"I know, thanks," Rachel nodded distractedly. "And nothing happened. I just—tried to fix it myself. Mr. Schue was the one who told my mom."
"Really? Well at least he's got your back," Jesse remarked, crossing his arms over his chest. "Goolsby still sucks. He threw me under the bus the other day and it was completely his fault. Also, did you know we took in a new student? One of Goolsby's recruits. Her name is Sunshine and she's actually kind of amazing but Giselle is livid of course. And, god, don't even get me started on all the flirting with Coach C."
Rachel's head was spinning trying to follow to Jesse's long winded rant, a scowl taking over her face as soon as it all registered. "What? Flirting?"
"Oh yeah," Jesse scoffed in disgust. "Flirting."
"Flirting?" Rachel repeated herself, a deep frown pulling down her lips.
"Yes. Flirting," Jesse rose to his feet slowly and locked eyes with Rachel intensely. With a tiny grin, he took a step forward and leaned into her slightly, shrinking the space between them. "You know… flirting," he whispered as he reached over and grazed her arm with a light touch. "Sorta like this."
The embarrassed heat that touched her cheeks surprised Rachel. Why was she reacting like this? Her heart thudding out of rhythm, she dropped her gaze and stepped back to create some much-needed distance. "Alright back off, St. James. I'm aware of what flirting is. I just don't believe that it's happening."
"I'm not making it up," Jesse said with a despondent shrug. "I'm telling you. Goolsby flirts with your mom all the time. It's so uncomfortable. I still don't trust him."
"There's no way. My mom doesn't do that," Rachel said adamantly. "She gets hit on all the time and she doesn't bat an eyelash. I'm not kidding. I don't think she's once realized that the barista at the Lima Bean always undercharges her. And then one time, my dentist, who's stupid attractive, by the way, flat-out asked her out on a date and she thought he meant it was for all three of us to hang out. She doesn't flirt."
"Okay fine, yes, maybe she doesn't, but he definitely does and even if she is or isn't aware of it, she's not rejecting it either. He'll flirt with her and then somehow convince her to do all his dumb ideas! It's a mess. God, I'm so glad he's gone this weekend."
Rachel kinked her eyebrows while a contemplative expression crossed her features. "I think you're overreacting," she decided. "He can't be that bad. I'm sure that—"
"Oh crap, I'm late," Jesse interrupted, catching the time. "I should go before I give your mother any more reason to kill me. Sorry, but I'll catch you later?"
"Sure. I've actually just been liberated from my Shelby Sentence, so you may text me again," she said, surprising herself at the offer.
"Will do," Jesse beamed, causing Rachel to truly notice his baby blue eyes and boyish grin for the first time, which, she's figured, has probably allowed him to get away with murder.
"And I'd tell you more about what happened between my dad and Shelby, but my Ma caught me eavesdropping. Just ask Shelby though, she'd tell you, right?"
"Mhmm," Rachel nodded thoughtfully while she opened the practice room door. "Don't worry about it."
Jesse followed her out into the hallway and paused to look at Rachel. For whatever reason, he couldn't stand seeing her so morose. Maybe it was the fact that he was introduced to Rachel Berry in all her glory, dominating the Sectionals stage as if it was the last thing she'd do, that made him feel this way. Because that was always how he saw her in his head, not like this.
"You know you're better than everyone else there, right?" He asked, certainty laced in his voice. "Don't let them get to you. You're Rachel Berry. If anyone's going to be a star, it's going to be you."
"I'm still not joining VA," Rachel replied with a playful nudge. "But thanks, Jesse. You better go."
"Whatever, I'm over it," Jesse shrugged coolly as he walked away. "Stay with the New Directions for all I care. It'll be a lot more satisfying when we beat you!"
It was twenty minutes after Vocal Adrenaline rehearsal ended and Rachel was still lying on the couch in her mother's office. Despite the previous offers, she couldn't bring herself to do anything but lie down and attempt to organize her thoughts. She wasn't dense. She knew that her parents were going to tag-team a confession out of her by the time the day was over, but she was still unprepared to discuss how she felt.
And she was tired of talking. She just wanted everything to be completely okay for once. She wanted to stop missing her dad. She wanted her parents to stop treating her like she was fragile. She wanted to be left alone at school. She wanted people to accept her for who she was. She wanted to go back in the past or go forward in the future. She wanted to be anywhere but here.
Rachel expected her mother to be at her side the moment practice was over, but she had yet to make an appearance. The woman didn't even come check on her like she had promised to earlier. However, at some point during the past two hours, Rachel did decide that she also wanted and needed things to get better. And she was learning that that meant changing her mindset, opening up, being honest with how she felt, leaning on her family and friends… allowing her mother in.
Trying.
Rachel closed her eyes and a crawling, weary exhalation of breath puffed from her lungs. She allowed herself another moment to settle her emotions and rein in control. Once she felt as centered as she could get, she finally got up and decided to look for her mother.
Shelby was sitting behind the piano, concentrated on composing a new arrangement for her Advanced Vocal class when Rachel entered the auditorium. Her team dispersed nearly half an hour ago, but she couldn't bring herself to leave, figuring her daughter would seek her out eventually.
She needed to resolve what to do next. How to move forward. How to fix it. How to be a better mom. And admittedly, she just needed a moment, a second, a break to not feel like she was lost and flailing around in the dark when it came to helping her daughter.
"Hey mom, why didn't you come get me?" Rachel asked as she climbed the stage.
Shelby blinked several times while she focused in on her teenager approaching her then formed a weak smile. "Sorry baby, I just got preoccupied for a bit. You ready to go?"
An expression that she couldn't read flitted across her mother's face and Rachel frowned. At this point, she thought she knew every single one of her mom's expressions. The woman rarely held out on her anymore.
She approached the piano bench and sat down in the vacant spot when Shelby scooted over. "I'm sorry," she said, placing her head on her mother's shoulder. Rachel instantly felt that familiar sense of calm begin to seep into her body as Shelby's cheek came to rest against the top of her head and a comforting arm wrapped around her shoulder.
"I'm sorry too," Shelby replied sadly. "I shouldn't have forced you to come to rehearsal with me. I know you just wanted space. And I did promise you I would try to do better with that. I'm just so worried about you, Rach."
"I know, mom… it's okay. I'm just—I'm sorry for all the arguing. I don't mean to. Not on purpose, at least."
"I know," Shelby squeezed gently before lifting her head and releasing her hold. "I'm not upset with you, kid. Even if you did tell Jesse before you told me," she teased.
"Only because he found out accidentally," Rachel chuckled.
Shelby nodded and assessed her daughter with a critical eye, wondering if she'd ever tire of how remarkable it was just how much her baby ended up looking like her. The full mouth, the big eyes, the long dark hair, the sharp, angular features. It was all there.
"Why didn't you tell me, Rach?"
Rachel chewed lightly on her bottom lip while she considered her answer. She had never been one to give her parents single syllables or silence in return for their questions before, and she hated that she seemed to be creating a habit of it now. But she couldn't help it. "I don't know," she lied.
Shelby frowned inwardly, careful not to let the expression bleed into her features. "I think you do know, my love. But I think that you just don't want to tell me."
Shelby watched an internal battle rage behind the near-perfect mask of her daughter's showface.
"Talk to me, Rach," Shelby begged, drawing her hand up to tuck loose brown locks behind the girl's ears. "It's just me."
"I can't, mom," Rachel said, feeling the tight ache in her throat that told her tears were moving dangerously close to the surface. "I can't…" she paused and swallowed against the feeling, willing herself to stay focused. "I couldn't tell you."
"Why couldn't you tell me? Did someone ask you not to?"
"No, mom," Rachel shook her head in frustration. She stood up suddenly and didn't miss how her mother flinched at the abrupt movement. She sighed heavily and brushed her fingers across her forehead, searching for the right words. "I couldn't tell… you," she said again, speaking slowly and distinctly.
"Rachel, baby, I'm—I don't understand what you mean," Shelby said, confusion flooding her thoughts as she swirled her body around to face her daughter now pacing anxiously in front of her. "I'm not following. Why couldn't you tell me? I'm your mom."
"I know and that—that's why!" Rachel exclaimed, quickly losing any self-control she just spent the previous few hours gathering. "I couldn't tell you. Because out of the two of us, I'm the one who got lucky, right? I'm the one who got the Broadway superstar as a mom. I'm the one who got Shelby Corcoran. And you're the one who got… me."
"Rachel—" Shelby breathed out as the weight of the admission settled painstakingly on her heart.
"You're everything," Rachel cut her off, pushing through everything that was screaming at her to stop before the words evaded her again. "You are literally everything that I've ever wanted and everything I've ever dreamed of having. And I get to have you as my mom. And I couldn't tell you because I didn't want you to know how much of a loser I am at school. How pathetic I am and how I hardly have any friends. I didn't want you to realize that I'm not—I'm not as pretty or as cool or as popular as someone like Quinn. I'm not—you, and dad, and daddy all act like something's wrong with me sometimes. And I, I know I'm all over the place all the time. I know I'm not handling everything well. I know I'm a lot to handle. And you must wish that you had a daughter that was… easier… that was… that wasn't… me."
Rachel was crying in earnest now and didn't bother to hide the tears. Everything felt amplified and she just wanted to get everything out. She wanted it all out there and needed to stop feeling this way. Before she could step away, her mom also stood up and grabbed both of her hands and shot her a look filled with so much love and concern, it automatically drew her into her arms. Relinquishing control, Rachel fell forward and into the security of her embrace and exhaled—a sigh that seemed to leech all tension from her body. "Mommy."
"I'm here baby, you're okay," Shelby said as her daughter buried her face into her shoulder, the tears dampening her shirt quickly. "You're alright, my love. Just breathe. In and out. Breathe for me."
Shelby squeezed tightly as she felt a jagged sob jerk through her child. Her own heart shattering, there was nothing she could do but hold her. She cupped the back of her head in on one warm palm, and let her daughter curl into her as close as possible. As the seconds slid away, Shelby could feel Rachel's tears begin to slow and her breath even out. But it took a few minutes more before she pulled back slightly to look her kid in the face, now willing herself not to cry as she recalled everything Rachel just admitted.
"I love you," Shelby said, lifting up a hand to wipe away the stray tears that still escaped from the corners of Rachel's eyes. "I love you so much, baby. More than—more than anything, more than I even knew was possible, and you mean the whole wide world to me, Rach. You're everything. You light me up, and I can't imagine a life without you in it now. I don't want to. I'm the lucky one, Rachel. I'm the one who got you."
"Mom—"
"Oh no, baby," Shelby shook her head, perching herself back on the bench and guiding the girl to sit down next to her. "You got to talk, so it's my turn now. And I really need you to hear what I have to say."
Shelby paused and hooked her finger under her daughter's chin then tilted her head up to lock eye contact.
"Listen to me, my love. You are beautiful and smart and talented and kind. You are not pathetic and you are not a loser. And there is nothing wrong with you. What's happening at school, how the other kids treat you, that is not your fault, Rachel. You did nothing to deserve that."
"I just want to stop feeling this way though, mom. I just..."
"Want to fit in? Want to be accepted?" Shelby finished her sentence, understanding where her daughter was coming from. "I get that and you will. I know it seems insurmountable right now, but I promise you, kid, that things will get better. And you will find your place. And you will feel comfortable to be yourself. And it seems to me that you have more friends than you think, Rach. I know Kurt and Quinn have your back. Noah and Santana too?"
Rachel only offered a small and rather slow shrug, as if the weight of the world was resting on her shoulders, and Shelby reached out to caress her daughter's tear-stained cheek, smoothing her thumb across the surface of her skin. This, to her, was the most difficult part of being a mom. Seeing her child this way and feeling helpless. She hated it. Above all else, she hated it.
"There is nothing wrong with you," she repeated with all the conviction in the universe. "And I'm so sorry if your dads and I have made you feel that way. That was never our intention. We just worry about you, but we do not think that, my love. We talk all the time about how strong we think you are and how proud we are of you. I know that none of this is easy and I know it seems like you can't catch a break, but I see that you're trying baby and I see how you push through. I see how you keep your head up. And that to me doesn't mean that you're all over the place or that you're not handling it well. Not in the slightest."
"You… you don't think I'm a lot to handle?" Rachel asked in tone that made Shelby acutely feel rather than hear the hurt and confusion still laced in her daughter's voice.
It was then Shelby realized that while she and Rachel have grown so much in their relationship in the past few months, they still had miles to go, a mountain to climb, distance to cross on their road to finding their way as mother and daughter, to finding their way as a family. And that while she's been able to gradually build up her daughter's love and trust in her, that she had to continue to work at it every single day. And work twice as hard in order to make up for the almost fourteen years she's missed. And that while she's learned a lot and gained more confidence as a mom, she still had to fight, and choose, and try, and fail, and try again to be the best mom that her daughter deserved.
"No," Shelby's heart wrenched so badly at having to answer that question. "I don't think you're a lot, Rach. I—I'm not even sure what that means, kid. And I have never, not even for a millisecond, wished that I had a daughter that wasn't you, my sweet and lovely girl. Never."
"Never?" Rachel asked carefully.
"Never," Shelby promised, snaking her arm around the girl's shoulder to hold her close, not knowing whether or not the comfort was more for her or her daughter. "I honestly would think you're pretty incredible even if you weren't my kid."
"You're just saying that."
"When have I ever lied to you, Rach? I really mean it. You know what the best part of all of this has been for me? It's yes, being together, getting to know you, and learning everything about you. Becoming your mom has been amazing. But you know what my favorite and the most unexpected part of it all has been for me too? Becoming friends with you on top of it, Rach. It's an added bonus that I didn't see coming. I don't know about you, kid, but you're easily one of my best friends now."
"What?" Rachel said as the corners of her mouth quirked upwards, lifting Shelby's spirit along with it. "Really?"
"Yes, really," Shelby chuckled lightly at the teenager's thoroughly amused expression. "I mean, who else is going to sing and dance along to Motown with me during rush hour in the mornings? Or spend Friday nights watching our power ranking of the funniest 'Friends' episodes? And you're a much better yoga partner than your Aunt Kim ever was. I'd never know about any of the latest Broadway news or who you've deemed as my newest competition, if it weren't for your email updates. I wouldn't have tried that grossly hipster, though admittedly delicious, vegan restaurant downtown. I—you're the person I want to hang out with or talk to at the end of the day, Rach. Whenever something good happens, I want to share it with you. And I think that makes you one of my best friends. Don't you?"
Rachel shifted at the words and wrapped her arms around her mother, settling in at what was becoming one of her safe places. "You're mine too, mom."
"No more tears, Rach. Everything will be alright," Shelby soothed as a hand rubbed her back gently. She placed a lingering kiss on top of brown hair before loosening her hold.
"You promise?"
"I'm sure going to try," Shelby smiled reassuringly. She brushed Rachel's hairs off the side of her face to look at her properly. The bone-deep sorrow and weariness marked all of her daughter's face made a decision for her. "Rachel, before we meet with your dad to talk about everything that's been going on, can I ask you something?"
Rachel hummed softly at the question. "Sure."
"How do you want to handle this situation? What do you want to do? Because I've realized, kid, that this should be about you. I don't want you to lose any more control. I'm sorry that I wasn't listening to you before. I've just been so upset about this baby that I went a little crazy when I started taking over and tried fixing things for you, but I want you to know that I trust you. And I trust your decisions for yourself and I will help you and support whatever you want to do."
The instant relief crossing the teenager's face told Shelby that she had made the right call. "You will?"
"I will," Shelby tapped her knee in reassurance. "And I will talk to your dads too. We've got your back, Rach."
"Okay," Rachel grinned, this one easily forming on her lips. "I want it to stop mom, I really do. And not just for me, but for others like Kurt who get hurt all the time. But I also would really like to stay at McKinley. I don't want to run away from my problems, mom. I just don't think that…"
As Shelby listened to her daughter spout out her thoughts and suggestions over the situation, Shelby felt calm enter her body for the first time in what seemed like days. The way that words flowed freely from Rachel's lips compared to where they were a few hours ago finally told Shelby that she was at least on the right track.
A/N: Thank you for joining me for another one, would love to hear any of your thoughts! Next chapter will include Valentine's Day festivities with the EC ladies.