Oneshot show AU in which Siena returns before Kate and Anthony can have their "last" dance . . . or, Kate can give poetic speeches, too!
Anything In My Power, I Give To You
"You must stay." Edwina looked hopefully at Kate.
Instead of answering right away, Kate closed her trunk with all of her clothes packed inside. Well, except for what she had on and what she would wear to the ball . . . her last ball. She had saved her golden orange gown as it reminded her of her mother. Her mother always looked so joyful when she had worn it. At least what was left of her in Kate's fractured memories.
Kate sighed, tracing her fingertips along the etchings of the familiar wooden chest. All of her belongings, everything she needed was in that trunk. Something about that made her sad. Could her entire life, and all that she amounted to, be reduced to what could fit inside this box? That felt wrong, somehow.
Kate clutched a hand to her chest, such a hollow thing beneath her palm. The truth was, she was leaving one precious thing behind.
Her wretched, foolish, stubborn heart.
Kate straightened her shoulders and looked up at her sister. "I cannot stay. I need to start my new life. And you need to start your new life without me in it."
Edwina shook her head, displeased with her sister's obstinance. "I almost lost you, Didi! I cannot bear to think of you so far away. I am sorry I was so angry with you—"
Kate stepped closer to Edwina. "No, no. That is all the past. Do not even think of it a moment more." She grabbed her sister's hands in hers. "All I want, all I have ever wanted is your happiness. I know you will find it once I leave. I have only been a shadow over you this season. You belong in the light."
Edwina pulled her hands away and threw them up in frustration. "I was the Diamond! I don't think I can bear any more light shining on me. What will I do without you to guide me? Get engaged to yet another man who does not love me?"
Kate flinched at that remark.
"No, no, I am not upset at you any longer." Edwina gave Kate a reassuring smile. "I am upset at myself for not listening to you and instead being dazzled by Lord Bridgerton. I could have avoided heartache for the both of us if I had given Lord Lumley a chance like you had suggested."
"You will find someone who will love and appreciate you for all that you are. I know it."
"And what about you? Will you be happy if you return to India?"
"When I return to India," Kate corrected. "Yes, I will be very happy once I find myself a position. I will be free of the ton and their gossip and expectations and judgment. I need to go home where I can be free to live my life."
"And what about Lord Bridgerton?"
Kate's breath caught at the question. "I do not know what you mean."
Edwina looked at her sister expectantly. "Do you think he will be free to live his life once you are gone?"
Kate turned away, her hand touching that tender spot where the bee had stung her. The physical scar had faded, but the mark on her remained. "Of course he will be fine. As he has told me many times, many women are looking for the kind of marriage he is offering and soon enough he will not even remember us."
Edwina flopped onto the settee in exasperation. "Kate, you cannot really mean that! I may have been a blind fool for far too long, but the blindfold has been lifted. The way he looked at you when he brought you back from your riding accident . . . I have never seen a man look so broken."
Kate lifted her chin, fighting her warring emotions. "He was not—he was feeling guilty because—well, he must have felt he owed me something because of the mess we created with your wedding and everything that happened after that . . . it was not love, and you know I will not let myself, or Lord Bridgerton, settle for less than that."
"If you say it is so, then it must be true," Edwina sighed.
Kate nodded to herself. It was true. It must be.
Four hours later . . .
Kate's face was bright with happiness as she and her sister spun through the dance floor, united again after a season of strife and melodrama. A peace settled into her as the music faded away and they exited the dance floor. Yet there was a bittersweetness on her tongue, knowing that she would be leaving just as she and Edwina had finally mended fences. Still, it was for the best.
Her shoulders stiffened and the hairs on the back of her neck prickled. Her head turned ever so slightly and she was not surprised to find the dark eyes of the Viscount catching hers from across the room, a twinkle in his eyes and a smile on his face. His smile really was very pleasing, damn him.
He looked relaxed, like he had just realized the weight he had been carrying around for so long could be set down. She was at least glad she had released him from the very last shackle of duty, and he was now free to find happiness. She wouldn't let herself imagine with whom, but she was relieved she wouldn't be around to see it. She gave a brief nod of her head in acknowledgment and he tipped his head in response.
He was too far to speak to her but she could tell he was happy for her, happy to see that she and her sister had reconciled.
"Kate, you should go speak to him," Edwina encouraged.
Kate couldn't look away from him, that familiar pull telling her to at least give him the courtesy of a goodbye so that their last conversation wasn't the last memory he had of her. She needed to mend fences with him as well.
However, before she could take a step, the candles in the room were snuffed out, and murmurs filled the air. Suddenly, at the center of the room where the musicians were seated stood a woman with long, curly brown hair, and stunning blue eyes, her face made up so elegantly that Kate had to blink to fully absorb the woman's beauty.
"It is Siena Rosso," murmured a man to another.
"The opera singer?"
"Yes, she must have returned from France!"
"No, she was in Austria," whispered a short woman to Kate's left.
"Nonsense, she was living with a Spanish count last I heard," another woman insisted.
"A step up from the Viscount," a man snickered.
Kate stiffened. Viscount? As in her Viscount? No, wait, that was wrong. Anthony was not her anything. Still, could they mean . . .?
A blonde woman that Kate believed to be named Cressida Cowper sidled closer to the stage and hissed to her mother, "Lord Bridgerton moves quickly, if I do say so myself. I supposed the rake has returned. What a pity."
Cressida's mother gave a twisted smile. "That is what happens when your scandal embarrasses the Queen. It is better to run and hide with your whore than to try to bring another innocent woman into the mud with you."
Kate's hands fisted at her sides at the insult to Anthony. These women really were as awful as people said. Kate stepped back into the shadows wanting to hear more but not wanting them to see that she was listening.
"This is the first ball after he was rejected by the Queen's Diamond. How shameless for Lord Bridgerton to summon his favorite mistress here," a girl who looked like Cressida's younger sister added.
Favorite mistress? That news made Kate shift closer to hear more. How had she not learned of this when she had investigated Anthony during his courtship of Edwina? She had known he had a reputation as a rake but she had thought him like the other infamous rakes of London, sleeping with a different woman every night.
It had never occurred to her that he might have had a favorite. Someone special. Someone he needed. Maybe someone he cared for? The thought of it made something inside her ache. Like she had suddenly lost something precious.
"It was inevitable," Cressida sneered to her sister. "The Sharma girl escaped a life of having Lord Bridgerton's affair with an opera singer flaunted right in front of her face."
"They say he tried to run away with the chit," Cressida's mother stated matter-of-factly.
Cressida gasped dramatically. "No!"
Cressida's mother nodded. "Yes, I heard it from quite a reliable source at the Hastings estate that he thought he was in love with her. Can you believe it? The scandal! And the ungrateful 'singer' rejected his offer!" She said the word "singer" the way she said the word "whore," with utter disgust. "The Bridgertons have covered it all up of course, what with announcing that Lord Bridgerton was finally going to find a wife this season. How ironic that they made an even bigger mess of themselves with the coverup!"
Cressida snickered. "It is about time the Bridgertons get knocked off of their pedestal."
Kate couldn't take anymore of this ugly gossip, and spun away towards the nearest exit. Her heart beat so hard, she could swear the entire room could hear it. But then the crowd's murmurs were silenced by the start of the music, and Kate was compelled to turn back around to watch as the songbird began her tune. The woman stood confidently on that stage, and her voice soared through the air, capturing the attention of every person in that room.
Kate's eyes couldn't help but search for Anthony in the dimly lit room, and after everything she had heard, it was no surprise to her when she found him staring at the woman on the stage as hypnotized as everyone else. As the melodic voice filled the room, Kate could see what had drawn Anthony to this siren. Her breathless talent was only exceeded by her beauty.
It was then that Kate realized that Anthony must have loved this woman. Perhaps still loved her. And Kate's next realization was that she had misjudged Anthony from the start. He had said he would not marry for love and she had thought him superficial and obnoxious, when in fact he could not marry for love. How could he when he had already given his heart to someone else?
And the fact that it was this opera singer, this Siena Rosso, made Kate love him just a little more. Because despite his title and his family, he had opened his heart to a woman the ton would never accept. As he had done with Kate, he could see a woman for who she was, and not the caricature society had placed on her.
Perhaps then, Kate shouldn't have been as shocked as she was when Anthony attempted to propose to her. For him to lower himself and be willing to tie himself to her out of honor had truly stunned her. Despite his proclamations at the start of finding a Viscountess of good stock, he had been willing to marry Kate to protect her reputation. Not a woman of gentle breeding, but a clerk's daughter.
She was not a part of his world any more than this opera singer. Nothing more despite the support of Mary and Lady Danbury. She had known in her heart that the ton would have never welcomed her as Anthony's Viscountess, even if the failed wedding between Anthony and Edwina had never happened. He accused her of running away, and perhaps she had, but what else had he expected? After the wedding, she had felt the shame the Bridgertons had suffered, and she would have no part of any further suffering for that family. She could not live with herself if she stole his chance at true happiness because of one mistake. Even if it was the best mistake she had ever made.
As she looked over at Anthony, she realized she had gotten used to having his gaze on her, and it hurt to have lost his attention. But it was good she felt the raw pain of it now, as it reinforced her decision not to trap them both into a miserable marriage. This Siena, this beauty, was who Anthony truly wanted. She was petite, feminine, delicate. Just like Edwina. Nothing Kate could ever hope to be. Kate was too sharp, too loud, too independent. That disconnect between her and Anthony would always outlive whatever passion that had passed between them.
Unable to watch anymore, Kate quietly exited the Featherington estate in hopes for some fresh air to clear her mind.
After wandering the gardens, Kate found herself standing below a balcony and a sense of déjà vu washed over her as male voices floated above her.
"Lord Bridgerton! Looks like the marriage mart has defeated you despite your confident proclamations at the start of the season," someone said.
"I am quitting the marriage mart. I shall leave it to Benedict and Colin to carry on the Bridgerton line," Anthony replied. "I think the universe has given me the answer that it is not in the cards for me to marry."
Just the sound of his voice quickened Kate's breath. She could not wait to be free of the spell he had cast on her, but yet she couldn't get herself to move away from her hiding spot.
"Who are you? You cannot be Lord Bridgerton: he who must fulfill all his duties and carry on the Bridgerton name," a voice Kate slowly recognized as Mr. Dorset's teased.
Anthony scoffed. "I am not that much of a glutton for punishment. I have been rejected three times. Once by the ideal Viscountess in front of everyone in England, once by a woman I tried to force into the role because I foolishly thought I could . . ."
Kate felt a sense of recognition then. But she knew he wouldn't have forced her. He always asked what she wanted and he walked away when she asked him to. He was the first person who was not her family who took into account her wishes. And that knowledge made everything so much worse. It only made it harder for her heart to let go of him.
Anthony continued, "I selfishly wanted to keep her in my life even though I knew it was not what she wanted. I wanted to protect her, do right by her, but she knew better. She could not stay with me. She needed something I could not give."
Kate swallowed back the pain of his words. He was honest to a fault. That he wanted her to stay moved her, but it was not enough. Not if he did not love her.
"And the third rejection?" Dorset asked.
Anthony took a deep breath and when he spoke, his voice was choked with emotion. "And once by the woman I will love until the day I die."
Kate gasped before quickly covering her mouth with a gloved hand.
Heartbreak. This piercing, awful thing struck her in the chest. She had never dared believe Anthony could ever love her, and she had already started to realize he loved another, but to hear the truth from his lips . . . it burned through her with more pain than she had ever experienced before.
Love was such a wretched thing. Why had she dreamed of having it for so long? She was such a silly little fool.
"Oh ho! What is this? Lord Bridgerton felled by cupid's arrow?" Dorset chuckled.
Kate could almost picture the pained look on Anthony's face as he answered. "I loved her and she did not want me. I asked her to marry me and she chose to run away instead. Maybe it is just as well. The gossipmongers would have ripped her to shreds. We would never be accepted in any ballroom in Mayfair and I would not want that life for her. She deserves so much more than that."
Despite her own heartbreak, the despondence and defeat in Anthony's voice made her ache for him.
"But she is it for me. I have nothing to give any future Viscountess because anything that I have worth giving will be wherever she is. No matter what corner of this earth that she travels, my heart will be with her until I am no more."
Kate wanted to reach out to him, hold him in her arms, comfort him, do something to ease the longing and sadness in his voice. Then she wanted to drag that opera singer onto that balcony and make her see just what she had so carelessly tossed aside. She was not sure if the woman even deserved Anthony when she could reject such a sincere proclamation of love from a man as loyal and honorable as Anthony Bridgerton.
"Well no one can say you did not try," Dorset declared. "You tried using your charm and even flat out deception despite your claims of being a gentleman. You fought hard for love, my dear friend. At least find comfort in that."
"I fought for marriage," Anthony corrected. "Not for love. I tried to avoid love, but it found me anyway."
"Speaking of failed ruses, would it be too soon for me to ask about Miss Sharma?"
Anthony laughed coldly at the question. "You have lost your chance with her. She is sailing off to India. She has probably left already."
Kate was surprised at the bitterness in Anthony's voice. She had freed him from his obligation to her and had kept their secret. Why wasn't he happier about that? Was he still angry with her? What ego! What nerve! If she didn't have better sense, she'd step right out of the shadows and call him out on his idiocy. He should be thanking her, not be upset with her!
"Oh good," Dorset replied.
"Good?!" Anthony snapped back.
"Yes, as I already made arrangements with her to meet the next time I am there. It will be nice to have her show me where she grew up. Did you know that Kate—"
Suddenly Kate heard a scuffle, forcing her to step out of the darkness and look up. She was shocked to find Dorset pushed against the balcony's edge, Anthony's fists in his shirt.
"You will do no such thing." Anthony gritted out each word as if he was carving it into Dorset's chest so he would not forget. "You will not meet with her, you will not speak to her, you will not even think of her. You will not say her name, ever. She is Miss Sharma to you. Do you understand me?" The commanding tone in Anthony's voice made it clear that Dorset would have no choice but to agree if he wanted to avoid being shoved over the balcony railing.
Kate couldn't help but feel her heart race at Anthony's words. No matter what passed between them, she knew he cared for her in his own way, and what they shared meant something to him. She could at least keep this truth close to her heart, even if she knew that it was pride that drove his possessive nature and not love. Never love.
Dorset then started laughing. "I knew it!"
Anthony's hold on Dorset relaxed and to Kate's relief, Dorset stepped forward away from the edge.
"What do you think you know?" Anthony growled at his friend as he began pacing.
"I had guessed something was going on, but I had to know. You really are terrible at hiding your feelings."
Anthony's angry eyes widened at the other man. "You know nothing."
Kate did not understand what Dorset was insinuating. Did he suspect that she and Anthony had . . . no, he could not have known that.
"Do not worry. I will not tell a soul," Dorset promised with a mischievous smile. "Though you should not feel bad about it. She is quite a woman. Nearly impossible to resist. Smart, independent, funny, and with the most beautiful eyes—" Dorset immediately stepped back and held up his hands in surrender as Anthony lunged at him again. "It is only a jest! Calm down, I am only joking." Dorset chuckled again, but Anthony did not seem amused.
What was this man about? Kate thought. Why was he taunting Anthony? If she wasn't a woman, she'd have punched Dorset herself. Actually, if she weren't trying to hide her presence, she would have had no problem laying him flat for his words.
Anthony shook his head, running a frustrated hand through his hair. "Where is Simon when I need him? He would not kick a fellow when he was down."
Dorset threw his arm around Anthony. "Come, my friend. Let us get a drink at White's and we shall let you wallow in your misery for a night. But tomorrow, we shall find you a Viscountess. Fourth time's the charm, right?"
"It is like you did not hear a single word I have said." Anthony tried to shove Dorset away, but Dorset merely laughed and dragged Anthony back into the ballroom.
Kate drew back into the shadows as the men left the balcony, but her foot bumped into a pot, causing a clatter. She glared at it. What was with the ton and their cluttered gardens? Really! She kicked it aside in frustration, though glad that she had avoided the fumble while Anthony and Dorset were still on the balcony. With her bad luck, she would have been caught spying again. And then what would she say for herself?
Kate took a deep breath and began pacing as she took a moment to process everything she had heard. Could she trust Dorset to help Anthony find his Viscountess? Because for some reason it mattered to her that Anthony's future not be ruined because of her. Perhaps if she spoke to Dorset and told him about Siena, Dorset could reconnect the two somehow. It almost made her smile thinking she could use Dorset against Anthony this time. But it was a bittersweet amusement because she was guaranteeing her own heartbreak. Then she realized she would have to stay to make this happen and she could not handle bearing witness to Anthony's happily ever after no matter how much she wished it for him.
Maybe the Duke and Duchess of Hastings could help? She could leave a note. After all, it was the Hastings estate where Cressida Cowper's mother had initially heard the rumors. Maybe the Duke of Hastings knew about Anthony's history with the opera singer? But if he didn't, she didn't want to be the one to expose Anthony's secrets. She could not do that to him. She fisted her hands into balls, frustrated with her lack of options. Think, Kate, think!
But when she turned to continue her pacing, she was stopped by a warm hand gently grasping her wrist, and she turned to find the man who was occupying her thoughts standing before her.
"I knew it was you." He gave her a knowing smile.
Damn it. Why did he have to be so charming? "I am sorry. I really did not mean to eavesdrop this time," she said contritely.
"So you heard what I told Dorset?" Anthony's eyes focused in on her and she momentarily forgot how to speak. "I am sorry if what I said hurt you. I did not want you to know—"
"Stop," she finally managed to say. "Please, stop." Then her cheeks blushed with heat when his eyes twinkled at her in memory of similar words one magical night weeks ago.
"You love to interrupt me," Anthony observed, his grin widening at her scowl.
"I would not have to interrupt you if you did not insist in saying stupid things," Kate countered with a lift of her chin. "I am glad I heard what you said. You are truly the most hopeless man in all of England and you need someone to tell you what an idiot you are."
Anthony laughed. "Oh, this I need to hear. What do you mean by that?"
Kate was distracted by the sound of his laughter. It warmed something in her belly and she did not like it one bit. "You are a very dangerous man. You hide behind this smile, yes that one, and make people think that is all that you are."
Anthony shook his head. "No, you assumed that is all that I was."
Kate glared at him. "Are you trying to vex me?"
"No, no. Please continue." Anthony gave a sweep of his hand, inviting her to continue.
Kate took a deep breath. "But then you let me see your grief over your father, your desperation to uphold your honor, your devotion to your family. And how could I help myself? Anyone would fall."
Anthony's body tensed and his eyes widened at her. She looked at him in confusion. How could he be surprised by her confession? It was clear from the start that she had wanted more from him than he could give. He had even said it to Dorset.
Anthony stepped closer to her and her entire body seized up. "But that is what is so maddening. I did not want you to see any of that. Yet somehow I cannot hide in front of you. When I am with you, I cannot lie to you or to myself."
Kate couldn't make her body step back despite knowing how dangerous it was for him to be so near. She shook her head trying to shake out the fog his whispered words always brought. "And I cannot lie to you. Even if . . . please listen to me."
Anthony looked at her in that intense way he always did, like he could breathe her in entirely if he wanted. "Anything you want to say, I will listen. Always."
Tears caught in her throat, knowing he was telling the truth. She forced them back. "I heard what you said to Mr. Dorset. And I heard people talking back in the ballroom. If you have found love, you must not risk losing it. Circumstances change quickly. We both lost parents when we were young, you know how fleeting happiness can be." She hated how pathetic she sounded, begging him to listen, but this was important. It was vital that he knew he deserved to be happy.
Anthony's hands went to hers and she was surprised to find them trembling as he grasped her hands in his. "What are you saying?"
"If the woman you love is that opera singer, you should not let what the ton thinks keep you from finding happiness. You cannot let duty and expectations keep you trapped. I think we have both learned that it does no one any good anyway. Show her what you have shown me, the true man beneath the title and she will have no choice but to accept you into her heart." As I have, she thought sadly.
Anthony squeezed her hands, and Kate looked down, confused by the gesture. "But what if she does not love me? Would I not be selfish in condemning her to becoming a Viscountess and keeping her from her dreams elsewhere?"
Kate then looked angrily at him. "How could she not love you?! If you love her enough to see past her flaws and her lack of respectability among the ton, she could never walk away. You would protect her and give her whatever she could possibly dream of having. She will forget that she does not belong and will not care what people say about her because she would have you. . ." Kate took a deep breath and her voice softened. "She would have you to love her. That would be enough." Kate stopped when she realized what she had just said, what she had just confessed to him. Her eyes widened in fear. She did not want him to see the truth. She did not want to burden him with it.
He swallowed hard before saying softly, "But it was not enough for you."
Kate gave a tinny, slightly bitter laugh. "That is not the same. You do not love me. I would rather let everyone in that ballroom give me the cut direct if they knew what we did, than force you into marriage. I do not care what anyone thinks."
Anthony nodded, but his eyes were focused on her hands as his thumb stroked the place where she had worn his mother's ring. "But you have seen how easily they turned against my family after my failed wedding with your sister. I have to ensure my brothers and sisters have a future. I cannot just do what I want."
"But you will survive the stares and the gossip. You will never please them no matter what you do, so do not even try. You deserve happiness just as your brothers and sisters do. You have lived your entire life for your family and they did not thank you for it because it is not what they want from you. You and Edwina have taught me that is not the right way to live. So take your own advice and do something for yourself for once!"
Anthony looked up at her, a question in his eyes. "And what would that be?"
Kate gave an exasperated sigh. "Marry your opera singer! Let the ton know that you are Lord Bridgerton and they can all go to hell if they want to say anything about it." She gave him her bravest smile, holding back her tears with every bit of strength she had left in her. "And she will be proud to have you by her side. As proud as your father would be if he could see you now." The lump in her throat was almost unbearable.
He gazed at her for a moment, his eyes glistening as if trying to see right into her. Then he offered his hand. "You left before I could ask you to dance," he murmured. When she did not react, he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her to him.
She was shocked at first before it dawned on her that he was trying to save her from confessing anything more embarrassing. "One last time?" she asked. Her shaky smile was on its last legs as he looked at her in that way that made her melt. Made her gullible heart believe she was the only woman in the world that mattered. And then he began to move her to the notes of the muffled music wafting through the balcony above them.
His forehead touched hers and he whispered, "If I had asked you to dance, would you have said yes?"
She nodded. "Of course, Lord Bridgerton." If he had asked her for anything, if she had let him ask her to marry him, she would have said yes. She was that much of a fool.
"Anthony," he corrected. "I think we are beyond formalities, are we not?"
She shook her head. "No, what happened that night must be forgotten. We must continue to—"
"I will never forget it," he growled into her ear, his arm around her suddenly tense. "I will dream of it every night as I dream of you. When you are gone, you should know that I will be awake each and every night, consumed with thoughts of you. The way you twist in my arms, the way your skin feels, the way you smell, the way you taste . . . the way you look at me when I touch you."
Kate shivered. Though this was nothing new to her, it still thrilled her every time he told her how much he wanted her. "I told you, this is only passion. It will pass."
Anthony jaw tightened in memory. "I will forever regret all the things I never had the chance to teach you. All the ways I never got to love you."
Her body froze in place, their dance stopped. "L-love me?"
He lifted his eyes to her in question, until his eyes sharpened as if he had finally figured something out, his jaw dropping open in disbelief. "Yes, love you!" he practically shouted at her. "I, Anthony Bridgerton, have been in love with you, Kathani Sharma, since that day we raced in the park. I loved you when you slammed doors in my face, I loved you when you deafened me with your whistles at the race track, and I loved you when you insulted me at every turn."
She tried to step back, stunned by his words, but she was paralyzed.
"When you stole my mallet of death and knocked my ball out with such utter glee, my God, you stole my heart along with it." His body vibrated with frustration. "I am never able to say what I want to say in the moment I need to say it except with you. You make me an honest man, too honest in fact. I have said things to you I have never even imagined saying to any other woman. How could you not know that I love you?"
Kate could not breathe. Nothing in her body was working correctly. He had tightened his hold on her and her skin burned at every point where his body was touching hers. Her limbs had turned to gelatin. And now there was a pounding in her ears muffling all other sound. In fact, her heart beat so hard, she thought she was about to die.
Anthony then lifted his hands and cradled her face so that her eyes could not escape his. "Did you not hear a word I said to Dorset? I will love you until my last breath on this earth. I will want no one but you, dream of no one but you, love no one but you. How could I? No woman can ever compare. I would know, I have questioned every one of them and there is not a woman in England, and likely not another woman in this world like you."
"I do not understand," she said, shaking her head in disbelief. "You love me? But I thought you loved that opera singer, Siena!" Kate held her hands up to push him away, her mind refusing to allow herself to believe that Anthony was confessing his love for her. It was impossible. He could not love her. He found her obstinate and inflexible. He had said so! He could barely stand to be around her. Yes, he had confessed his lust for her, but love? He did not love her. Dorset must have gotten a punch in while Kate wasn't watching because Anthony must have hit his head to be saying these things.
Anthony shook his head vehemently. "No, I do not love her. I may have thought she was what I wanted. And maybe, I thought she was all I deserved. Someone who would pretend to love me because I paid her to. She was a woman who gave me some semblance of happiness when I let my resentment of my life eat me alive and she was the only light I could find. But she was never meant to be more than that. We did not fit. She told me that and I did not understand what she meant until I met you."
Kate felt the tears spring forth, no longer able to maintain her calm façade. How could she when he was looking at her with such vulnerability and adoration?
Then his hands were in her hair, curling a tendril tenderly around his finger. "When I thought I loved her, I tried to bind her to me, turn her into someone she was not. That was not love. I did not know her enough to love her. But when I realized I was in love with you, it was different. My instinct was to run the other direction because it terrified me to think what it would be like to have you and then to lose you. You told me you were leaving for India and already it turned my world upside down. I knew then that I could not let myself get any deeper." He chuckled softly to himself. "But I have never been more of an idiot than believing I could change course. You already owned every part of me then. My mind, my soul, my body."
His words overwhelmed her. He meant every word and her mind could not comprehend it. When she finally let herself absorb it, she could not bear it another second. She grabbed him by his lapels and she pressed her lips to his, every secret feeling she tried to hide rushing through her all at once. She held him close, and then ran her gloved hands through his hair, letting him know that she understood now. That finally, she truly saw him for who he was and not the assumptions she had let her mind trick her into believing.
And he kissed her back with a fierceness that told her that only his passion for her could ignite his very being. His lips were warm and tender and his kisses lit her up like the fireworks that were starting to blast through the night sky behind them.
After several moments, Anthony finally pulled away, breathing heavily as he tried to catch his breath. He grasped her right hand and placed it above his chest. The same spot she had first felt his heartbeat when she had been stung. The first moment she discovered the man behind the Viscount. "When I am with you, I feel it. I feel what Benedict, Daphne and my mother have been telling me all along. And I know the truth of it. It was you. It was always going to be you."
She let him pull her closer, their eyes connected in a way that only worked between them.
"That morning after the night we spent together, I was the happiest I have ever felt in my life," Anthony confessed. "All of my self hatred was gone. I just wanted to give you what you needed that night and show you that I can be the one to give it to you. It has never been so—it's never been like that for me before. Only with you, and I hope for you, only with me."
She nodded. Yes, it would only be with him, because only he knew how to love her, all of her.
"Then when I realized you were gone I knew I had to see you immediately and tell you that I could not live another day without you being my Viscountess," he rushed to add. "I know you will not marry me, but you must know you have forever changed my life. For the first time, I am willing to share my burdens, my pain with my family, and that is because you were the first to listen and offer me comfort."
Kate felt her entire body tremble with emotion. He would be the death of her, killing her with his raw, heartfelt confessions.
He caressed her cheek, but his eyes never left hers. "With you I have learned what my father tried to tell me once. To truly have the honor of loving someone you must know them, at their worst and their best and at every place in between. I have never truly known another woman the way you have let me know you."
Kate sniffed back her tears, a valiant effort when her entire world was spinning around her. "I have felt it as well. This pull, this sense that you needed someone to hold your hand while you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. My good sense, my duties to my sister and mother, they seemed to dull whenever I was near you. Like my mind and my body no longer were my own to control. When I am with you, all I want is to comfort you, to understand you . . ."
"Yes, that is it exactly. I—"
"No, please," she begged with a small laugh. "No more pretty words from you because I cannot take any more." She pressed gently against the spot where his hand covered hers against his body. "There is a hollow in you that matches a hollow in me. An echo that calls to me whenever you are near. The loneliness that comes with duty, I could see it in you. And that first morning we met, I had little to make me laugh, but I cannot help myself with you. And I never cry, but the few times I have it has been because of you. Because only you can see through to all my deepest, most secret desires." She sighed softly against his lips. "And I thought I hated you for it, but it is a strange sensation being seen. Being known for who I truly am. I did not want to lose it, but I thought I had no right to keep it for myself. I have never wanted until I wanted you."
Anthony captured her lips then, infusing her with the knowledge that he wanted her in return. Needed her in return.
When he finally released her, she took a small step back. "But I need to know for certain. Are you sure that what you feel for me is love and not obligation? I know a man can want a woman without loving her and I—"
"And you say I say stupid things," Anthony interrupted her. His eyes glared down at hers. "Clearly my pretty words are not doing the trick. Shall I show you with actions how much I love you?"
Kate blushed bright red at his question. "No, I just do not understand why you would choose me. Of all the women in England, why me? Why not your opera singer?"
"Listen, because this is the last time we will talk of this," he insisted. "Siena did not need a husband, she needed a protector. And I did not need a mistress, I needed a wife, a partner. I cared for her but it is like knowing the beauty of the light of a single candle, and then one day the night sky is clear enough that you can see the entire galaxy. My affection for her, whatever it once was, is nothing but a fond memory now. To love you is to know I have never truly loved before."
Kate's stubborn mind still fought against him, unable to convince herself that she was enough. "But if you were just the son of a vicar or a farmer would you have chosen her? If you would be free to be with her? Or would you still choose me?"
Anthony shook his head. "No, if I were a peasant, if I had nothing, I would not choose you."
Kate's heart fell into her stomach, her eyes feeling the bitter burn of the cold truth. She'd known it, but it hurt to hear it. But then he lifted her chin and gave her that smile that reached his eyes.
"But I am not a pauper. It is because I am a Viscount that I choose you," Anthony stated confidently. "Because though I know I do not deserve you, at least I can give you what I do have. A title, whatever happiness my name and wealth can give you, and my family. If I were a peasant I would not be able to give you any of these things, and Kate, you deserve everything your heart desires."
"Everything?" Kate smiled, finally accepting that he truly did love her.
"Yes. You can ask me anything. Anything in my power, I give to you." Anthony's eyes were intent on hers, as if making sure she knew how much he meant those words.
Kate's face turned serious, her lips thinned into a line. "Then tell me this. Did you buy that horse for my sister just to vex me?"
He paused trying to understand her question and then broke into laughter, his entire face lighting up with unrestrained joy and it made her fall in love with him all over again.
She laughed with him as she wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned into him. "Love me, Anthony. That is all I ask. Because I love you. With everything that I am."
He tapped her nose and smiled. "You know, you are brilliant at everything and yet I cannot believe you did not know that I love you. Even Dorset could see it."
Kate crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. "And what of you? You seemed surprised when I told you I had fallen for you."
"Ahh, but I am well-known for being stubborn and blind," Anthony grinned. "Just ask my siblings."
Kate grinned and pressed another kiss to his lips. "It is okay, I shall be there to guide you, my poor Viscount."
Anthony's eyes lit up. "Does that mean you will marry me?"
"You know you will never be able to tell me what to do," Kate warned him. "I shall still beat you at pall mall, force you to dance with me at balls, go shooting with the men, let Newton sleep on the bed, and go on my morning rides."
"I would not have it any other way. And as long as I can be by your side, as Viscountess Bridgerton you shall be free to ride to your heart's content," Anthony promised. "Just not in the rain."
"We shall see about that," Kate smirked at him. "Speaking of the rain, did I ever tell you about my fear of thunderstorms?"
Lady Whistledown's Society Papers
Dear Gentle Reader,
The ton has been abuzz after The Featherington Ball, an otherwise droll affair I assure you, as a certain beautiful Sharma sister and a certain reformed Bridgerton rake seem to have made a true love match. Which ones? Well, even I do not have the power to keep such a secret. These two are so obvious even the Queen has noticed and given her approval.
Lady Whistledown