Willow was getting close. She had never been more sure of anything else in her life. The answer to everything was within her grasp, she could feel it. She had been practicing with the coven every night, trying to break through the mystical barrier that existed between her and the answers they sought. The First had constructed one hell of a wall and Willow was not blind to the consequences.

Every time she tried, the headaches got worse. The last time the coven had attempted it had caused Willow to be out of commission for over a week, and the rest of the coven to declare her attempts impossible. If the most powerful Wicca in the western hemisphere could not break through with the help of the most powerful coven there was, then clearly they thought it impossible.

Kennedy had begged her to stop after the last attempt, to leave it to Buffy, Giles and the rest of the Watchers. Surely the answer and the slayer could be found some other way.

But Willow wouldn't listen…not to the coven, and not to Kennedy. She needed to help and she wouldn't stop until she either broke through or died in the attempt. She knew if she told Buffy the truth of how dangerous it was becoming for her to continue attempting it, that she would tell Willow to stop at all costs. It wasn't worth her life to Buffy. But Willow knew better than that. If Buffy was in her position she would not stop, regardless of the cost to herself. And Willow had gone through too much to leave Buffy in the lurch.

The coven had refused to help in the endeavor, so Willow had stolen away early in the morning and taken the supplies needed for the spell. She knew it was doubly dangerous to attempt it on her own, but she had no other choice. She hadn't even told Kennedy. She would only try to stop her if she knew.

She set up quickly, hoping that the smell of the herbs and incense would not awake her girlfriend who slept soundly in the next room. One of the members of the coven had been kind enough to allow Willow and Kennedy to stay with them and since they stayed in the same room generally, there had been no need for the second guest room to be used.

Until now.

As she finally finished setting up for the spell, she sat herself in place and began the preliminary meditation to prepare her for the mental undertaking ahead. She knew this was her last chance. She would either be victorious or she would die. It was almost simple enough to be comforting. And she might be comforted if she weren't so terrified.

She tried to meditate as the spell required but found herself unable to relax as was. If this was to be her last attempt to do good on this earth, there was someone she needed to talk to first.

Tiptoeing to the door that adjoined the two rooms, she snuck a peak inside the room where she and Kennedy slept and was relieved to find her girlfriend fast asleep. Sighing gratefully, she took her cell phone out of her pocket and dialed Adam Pierson's phone number.

Dawn answered it on the second ring. She sounded out of breath and more than a little anxious. Willow instantly wondered if everything was all right and voiced her concern out loud.

"I'm fine," Dawn assured her, and her voice did sound relieved. "I just thought you might have been someone else." She said no more on the subject, so Willow cut right to the chase.

"Is…is Xander there? I need to talk to him."

"I'll check," Dawn replied, though the tone in her voice suggested to Willow that the estrangement that he had created between himself and the others had not changed. Nevertheless, she was in luck. Within moments, Xander had picked up the phone.

"Hello?" His voice sounded less gruff than it had the last time they spoke and that gave Willow some cause to hope.

"It's me Xander," her voice was soft and tentative…as if the years of friendship were all just a dream and he was once more a stranger that made her nervous to speak to. Xander must have sensed her discomfort because his voice grew slightly warmer.

"Hey Will," she could almost see the small smile on his face. "Good to hear your voice."

"Yeah, I've missed hearing yours," she replied. They endured an awkward silence as Willow realized she wasn't quite sure what she wanted to say to him. She had called, wanting to say her good byes just in case, but she knew if she told him out right what she was planning he would tell Buffy and they would try to stop her. She couldn't have that. And yet, she needed him to know how much she loved him, how much she would always love him even if she no longer walked this earth.

"You ah….you want Buffy?" Xander was asking, clearly unsure of himself as well. "I mean, did you have some information on the First for her?"

"No, this isn't about that," she insisted. Then in a softer tone asked, "are you OK Xander? Last time we talked you were…distant."

"I'm as good as I'll ever be Will," his voice sounded weary of discussing the topic. "I wish everyone would stop worrying about me."

"We love you Xander," she told him simply. "I love you. You can't ask me not to. You know better than that."

"I love that you care, but this is my problem," he replied firmly.

"What hurts you hurts me," she argued. "And that's that. You can't see me right now, but I've got my resolved face on."

"I kinda figured," he said with a small chuckle that warmed her. He wasn't entirely frozen and that reassured her. But how would he react if she died? Would that complete his destruction? They had hardly been parted from childhood until now. Never one without the other. He was her other half in ways far deeper than romantic love. He was her Xander. "I'll be OK Will, believe that. Just…trust me OK?"

He sounded more sure of himself in that last statement and she let out a short breath she'd been holding.

"I don't want to nag you Xander, but…" she trailed off, not knowing how to voice what she was feeling. "I love you. I always will and you can't expect me not to worry. And you can't expect to fool me. I know you still miss her."

"Every damn day," he said raggedly and she heard his throat catch. She felt so honoured that he would confess his feelings to her, and wondered what had brought about the change. Last she had heard from Buffy he was more removed than ever. What had changed all that? "But…I'm learning how to deal with it."

"I guess I just wanted you to know that I care," she told him feebly. She wanted desperately to tell him they might never speak again, but knew she couldn't. "I just called to tell you that…"

"Will?" His voice held a note of concern now, and she knew she'd gone too far. "Are you OK? I mean, I get the feeling this call is about more than my own well being."

"I'm fine," she said quickly…a little too quickly. She knew he would catch it. She always sucked at lying, especially to him. "I mean, I will be. I'm on the verge of something. I just…I needed to tell someone. And I missed hearing your voice."

"Are you sure that's all?" He was still suspicious and she swallowed heavily, realizing he might never forgive her for not confiding everything to him if something were to happen to her. It was a chance she'd have to take.

"That's all, scout's honour," she said with false bravado. "I should get going. Kennedy's gonna be up soon and I promised to make pancakes."

"Bit early to be burning the place down isn't it?" he joked. She smiled, glad to hear him teasing her. If it was the last thing she ever heard him say it couldn't make her happier.

"That was one time," she retorted. "And Kennedy likes my pancakes."

"I'll bet," she could hear the twinkle of his eye through the phone and it gave her all the courage she needed.

"Good bye Xander," she whispered. "I do love you."

And then she hung up and found herself looking into the accusatory gaze of her girlfriend.

"What was that?" Kennedy demanded. Anger was visible in her sharp brown eyes and Willow knew that she wouldn't be able to lie very well to her. She tried anyways.

"I meant it as a friend," she explained pretending she thought Kennedy might be jealous though she knew full well that wasn't the case. "I don't love him love him…you know that."

"That wasn't a declaration of love. That was a good bye." Kennedy replied flatly. "A forever-type good bye, and the only reason you would have for one of those would be…"

She trailed off as she glanced around the room and took in the set up for the spell that Willow had so carefully prepared. Her jaw set in a hard line and Willow knew she would have a very difficult time persuading her to let her go through with it.

"Kennedy, I have to do this," she said softly.

"Kill yourself?" Kennedy shot back. "Cause that's what's going to happen here and you know it!"

"I was so close last time, so close!" Willow cried back. "I could've broken through I just needed five more minutes!"

"You'd have been comatose in five minutes, maybe worse and you know it!" Kennedy was near tears now and Willow longed to kiss them away, but held her ground.

"Buffy needs this," she said simply. "I can't let her down."

"You care more about her than your own life?" Her voice was a terrified whisper that almost killed Willow's resolve completely. Kennedy was always so strong, so passionate that it was heartbreaking to see her so vulnerable and be the cause of it.

"I care about the mission," she said firmly, but with tenderness to show she wasn't immune to Kennedy's pleading eyes.

"To hell with the mission!" Kennedy blazed furiously. She crossed the room and grabbed hold of Willow pulling her into a violent and demanding kiss. "I love you! I don't want to lose you!"

"I…" Willow was flushed and overcome with sensation. Never had Kennedy been so upright, so forthcoming in her own feelings. They'd exchanged endearments of the kind before, but never had she really seen how much Kennedy meant it, to the depths of her being, and it frightened Willow in more ways than one. Kennedy loved her deeply, so deeply that Willow was afraid she did not have enough love to return to her. Her ability to love that deeply had been for two people that had come before her. One had left to protect her from him, and the other had died almost transforming her into a monster. She had remained guarded in her emotions ever since, unsure of what feeling so deeply again would do not only the memories of Oz and Tara, but also to her own sanity.

"I'm sorry." It was a lame statement and they both knew it.

"Don't," Kennedy said coldly. "Don't you dare tell me you're sorry. I don't believe you."

"Do you believe I want to die?" Willow cried back. "I don't Kennedy I swear to you."

"If you die, you might see her again," Kennedy's voice was so soft she could barely hear it. "Are you sure you don't just want to find her again? She's waiting for you, I'm almost certain of it."

"Kennedy," Willow's whisper was caught on her own emotion as she cupped her girlfriend's face with her hands. "I don't want to leave you or this world, not now and not any time in the future if I can help it, I promise you. But I need to help Buffy any way I can. If you want to keep me here, then help me. Be my anchor to the world of the living so that I can travel into the world of the dead. The answer is there, I know it is. Help me Kennedy…help save me like you did before."

"No fair," Kennedy said with a weak chuckle. "You know I can't resist you when you cry."

To Willow's surprise, Kennedy reached up and brushed a tear from her cheek that she hadn't even realized had escaped her. Kissing her gently, she knew she had convinced her, but did not feel any victory in the fact. If she did die, Kennedy would grieve bitterly and she did not want to put her through that for anything. But there was no other choice.

She drew a shuddered breath and squared her shoulders, her eyes never leaving her girlfriend's.

"I will do this," she promised with more confidence than she felt. "Just keep me here, and I won't ever leave."

"How?" Kennedy asked, desperation etched in her face. Willow smiled sadly and took her hand in hers.

"Just hold my hand," she said raggedly. "And don't ever let go."

"Never," Kennedy murmured as she took her place next to her in the circle. "I swear it."