The drive to her home was silent, making her acutely uncomfortable. She sighed. She'd really stuck her foot in her mouth this time. She had hurt the one person that she could never bear to hurt.
She gasped at the realization of what she had just said. Jack was the only one that she really cared about hurting. If he was happy, all was right in the world. If she had hurt him, nothing could cheer her up.
Great, she thought to herself. COMMANDING OFFICER ALERT! COMMANDING OFFICER ALERT! The sirens in her head exploded.
"Jack." She began.
He didn't respond to her tender plea, though it hurt him not to do so.
"Jack, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking, and I hurt you. You tried to help me, and I punished you for my own screw-ups."
He turned ever so slightly. What was she talking about?
"I…I've never really addressed my feelings for you since…since we agreed to…forget them."
He felt like yelling: I NEVER AGREED TO THAT! YOU NEVER REALLY ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED TO DO! YOUR MIND WAS ALREADY MADE UP! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVED YOU AND WOULD RETIRE SO THAT WE COULD TRY TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP? EVERYTHING I'VE DONE IN REGARD TO THAT DAY HAS BEEN IN DIRECT CORRELATION TO THE SIGNALS I'VE RECEIVED FROM YOU!
However, he instead raised an eyebrow. "And what feelings would these be?"
She blinked back tears, looking up at the sky, trying to evaporate the water that was appearing on her cheeks. "Jack, if you don't feel anything for me anymore, so be it. But we both know perfectly well what feelings I'm talking about. They're the ones that we have refused to acknowledge even to ourselves."
Jack bit his cheek.
"I guess what I'm really trying to say is that…when you mentioned Pete, I…I overreacted. Not because you did anything wrong, but because…I think I'm finally realizing that…I'm not getting what I want or need from that relationship."
"But you're engaged." He finally uttered, her words finally sinking into his mind.
"I know. I guess…I was in denial."
He chewed on how to respond for a few moments before she jumped back in. "Sir, we don't have to bring this up outside of the car, if we don't want to. I'm not going to mention it on the base, and…"
"Carter, that's what got us into this mess in the first place." He said, gently.
The intake of breath was sharp on her side of the car, and Jack turned. "Come on, Carter, you don't really expect me to let you do that to me again, do you?"
She couldn't look him in the eye. "Well, I was…I hoped that…"
"Carter, we will talk all we want off the base about our relationship. It's a given that we won't mention it on the base, until one or the other of us makes another career choice."
"I will." She whispered.
"No, you won't, Carter. You're too valuable to the program."
"You're not exactly expendable either." She challenged.
"I know. But…the President has appointed a civilian commander of the base before. Hopefully, he'll accept my resignation as an AF general, and allow me to keep the position."
"But you'd still be my immediate superior."
"As I would be if you transferred to the labs. Carter, trust me. Let's try this first, and then…we'll look at the other options."
A pretty heavy sigh from the backseat forced Sam to turn around. She saw the toddler sleeping in his carseat, his head hanging to one side. She smiled tenderly and reached behind her to reposition his head against the side of the carseat. As she turned back around, she noticed Jack's eyes on her.
"What?"
"You're such a natural."
"What? Repositioning his head? Come on, we all know how acutely uncomfortable that can get, and how frustrating a kinked neck is from sleeping funny."
"I'm tellin' ya, someday, you're going to have a mini-van full of kids, and you'll look back there and ask one of your other kids to do that exact thing without a second thought. No one else will have realized that there was a problem, but despite the fact that you're driving, you will have noticed."
She gave a half-hearted chuckle, allowing her fingers to brush aside a few strands of Daniel's hair from his face as he slept. "I hope you're right."