Sorry for the long wait, I can only site the end of Term and severe technical difficulties with my home computer as the source. Now that I'm back at school, I'll be posting with my previous redoubtable regularity. I hope people are still reading, but whatever. This one's just about done, so stick tight.
Chapter 8: The Final Curtain Rises
Somewhere in Titans Tower
"Are we clear?" asked the smallish, green-furred young man.
"I'm checking the Tower's security net now," his enormous Robotic friend answered as he examined the computer readout on his wrist. "…Hmm, looks like Starfire is replacing the window she shattered in the common room—finally. Raven's in her room, no cameras in there though, not a clue what she's up too. Though… if I had to guess… she's probably… ugg… primping."
Three sets of eyes went a little wide, then three guys shuddered slightly at the sheer oddity of that image. She took care of herself, obviously, but the idea of her being 'vain' would creep out anyone who actually knew her.
"As for lover boy, who knows? He's been finding more and more creative places to lay low since things got… tense."
"Tense? HA! I've seen suspension bridge cables with less tension than this tower! It's unbearable!" The extensively dramatic expression of desperation Beast Boy currently sported drew looks of flat annoyance from the other two in the room. He let it slide off his face and replaced it with a slightly embarrassed look.
"Well, the grass stain does kind of have a point," Speedy finally spoke up, not bothering to pick up his head from where he was leaning on the small table they were all gathered around. "I can't remember the last time I was so disgusted with Robin… well, I mean besides a few days ago when I first found out about all this. Ever since he got those two to step back from the edge, he's been walking on eggshells to avoid the question of which one he prefers. Ha! Just yesterday I saw him hop into that trick elevator shaft he rigged up just to keep from crossing Raven's path in the hallway! I mean damn, how can a guy face ninjas, killer robots, space aliens, mutant monsters, and a steady supply of madmen, then chicken out when it comes to a simple thing like romancing a beautiful girl or two?"
There was a hard silence after Speedy's deadpan moan of complaint. Cyborg and Beast Boy were shifting between glancing at him and each other, but their silent doubt about Speedy's priorities passed completely over the bowman's head. It wasn't hard considering how deeply it was buried in his crossed arms as he slouched in misery. The short one flashed the big one a last glance of inquiry, then got back a shrug of utter cluelessness, and so the two returned to the subject at hand.
"We've gotta put a stop to this!" Beast Boy's manner was purely conspiratorial as he lounged at one end of their round poker table, two other plotters taking up their own sides and forming a rough triangle. The air in Cyborg's machine shop was heavy with the scent of grease and oil, but it was once place they could be sure the objects of their secret discussion wouldn't walk in on them.
"Yeah, I think we established that part." Cyborg gave Beast Boy another annoyed look as he dealt a hand of five card stud with a speed and precision the eye couldn't follow. "I've heard of blossoming romance before, but this is just ridiculous! We leave for a long weekend and by the time we get back, this place has become an episode of "Days of our Bold and Beautiful Hospital." I don't know how much longer I can take it!"
"Mmm," Speedy made an indifferent sound as he slipped his cards into his hands. The red-head had definitely seen better days, as his face was now set in the kind of blank mask his serious look alike had made famous.
"Is that all you can say?" Beast Boy, his all-over fuzz brisling, yelped at Speedy. "I mean sweet God, Robin and Raven are moody enough normally, much less now that they're both googly-eyed and heartsick! And Starfire, I mean damn, she hasn't been so this high-strung since she ate that two-gallon bucket of mint-espresso ice-cream! I accidentally surprised her yesterday and nearly got my fur fried off by the starbolt backlash! Which is nothing compared to what happened when I tried to tell Raven about the sweet displays at the convention."
"Oh dangit…" Cyborg slapped his cards down on the table and covered his eyes with his free hand. "Please tell me you didn't try to tell Raven about the Arachnid Man kiosk."
"What? It was sweet! And what does she go and do before I even get to the best part of the story?"
"Somethin pretty damn bad, I hope! Damnit BB, you wouldn't shut up about that thing on the way home either, and I was ready to pitch your ass out the window within thirty miles… and I LIKE Arachnid Man! I'm surprised Raven didn't threaten to neuter you!"
"Ahhh… yeah…" Beast Boy flushed, expecting support rather than chastising from his best friend. Of course, Cyborg could immediately tell there was more too it than that.
"Oh no..." Cyborg suddenly smiled manically, causing Beast Boy to flush again as he recognized that he'd been found out. Somehow, telling them would have been liberating, but being found out was just embarrassing. "You're not about to tell me that she actually threatened to give you the old snip-snip?"
"Not that it would take much," Speedy interjected from his somber examination of his hand, "A set of tweezers and some toenail clippers would get that job done. Though she might also need a magnifying gla—"
"HEY!" a giant gorilla arm suddenly shot across the table and clapped around Speedy's head. Tufts of red hair stuck out from between green, furry fingers as the archer set to struggling and a full grown mountain gorilla brought its free fist down hard, busting the collapsible card table to flinders. Speedy quickly grappled his arms around the tree-trunk sized appendage, then rocketed forward with a boot to Beast Boy's nose. The green one, now a fuzzy teenager again, and the archer, gasping for breath, both fell on top of the shattered poker table, scattering chips in their efforts to scramble up and lunge at one another.
"STOP THAT!" metal hands the size of dinner plates suddenly gripped each teen by the shoulder and lifted them both into the air. Cyborg's robotic eye had a dangerous glow as he glowered at his friends, waiting for them to stop struggling to get at one another again. They were both breathing heavily when they finally calmed down, and he set them down hard.
"I can't believe you two! First of all, you broke my poker table BB, and you're gonna owe me for it. And you, Speedy, what the hell is wrong with you? Get off of the green man's back, before I take you off, got it?"
Speedy mumbled something about taking jokes, and Cyborg's hand was suddenly a glowing sonic cannon pressing so close to Speedy's chin that he actually had to tilt his head back and step away, his eyes suddenly wide. Beast Boy stifled a chuckle and a set of eyes, one human, the other artificial, were suddenly boring into him, forcing him into silence. When they were both successfully cowed, Cyborg returned his arm to normal and stepped back.
"It's the tension, its gettin to all of us, we just have to keep cool and talk this out. We're meeting tonight because we agreed that Robin is about as afraid of commitment as any other guy his age, plus he doesn't want to reject either of them—and who can blame him there? But anyway, the point is, if he's not gonna to do jack to calm this situation down, we'll have to. So… ideas?"
There was a very poignant silence. No one met anyone else's eyes, and someone coughed quietly, but that was about it.
"Oh man, I was afraid of that."
"No… well… it's not really an idea but…" Speedy finally spoke up, his face lifting somewhat as he overcame whatever had been holding him back. Then he saw the way the other two were looking at him, all full of hope and expectations, and he cut off again.
"Come on man, spit it out!" BB said, "Anything at all is better than squat!"
"Ohh… damn. Well, fine, I suppose it couldn't hurt to just field it. The thing that occurred to me is that the weird ass shit that went down while you guys were out of town has all three of them tunnel-visioned. I don't tend to circulate in the crowds that go for the whole 'serious commitment' approach to relationships, but one thing I've managed to pick up is that the 'soul-wrenching need' that so many people experience, the one that makes them think they've found 'their other half whom they simply can't live without,' is a total load. The feelings are often real, the idea that you'll simply shrivel up and die if you don't get the guy or girl you're after is just a crock. There's no such thing as a rejection you can't bounce back from."
"Well thanks for the lecture Mr. Lady's Man," Beast Boy was either jealous or bored by the 'wisdom' Speedy was espousing, "but how's that supposed to apply to our problem?"
"What I'm saying is, we've got to get them all to step back and take another look at what's going on. The ideal, 100 solution would obviously be for them to realize that monogamy is an illusion created by the cultural dominance of the Christian ideal that fails to account for several basics of human biology and fundamental sociology."
"Whosa whatnow?"
"Perv Boy says that they should all three date each other and stop being uptight about how that might look to others."
"Oh… OHHH…" Beast Boy was blushing as Cyborg tousled his hair with one huge hand, and Speedy went on, ignoring them both. His indifference was good, because both were giving him extremely leery, creeped-out stares now.
"I'm not saying that's at all likely, I'm just saying, that should be our own primary objective. Next up on the scales, much more likely, but not nearly as peaches and cream, fuzzy-wuzzy perfect, would be for Robin to realize, with a little perspective under his belt, that he couldn't, in good conscience, date either of them. That'd have the unfortunate side effect of leaving three people miserable for some indeterminate period of time, but it has the distinct advantage of perfect equality. Everyone is miserable, yeah, but no one is left out."
"Let's not try for that one." Beast Boy was still glowering at Speedy. "The last thing I need on my hands is Raven being 'weepy.' I'd feel obligated to cheer her up, and she'd probably thank me with a telekinetic atomic wedgie. Though… come to think of it, that probably would cheer her up."
"I'd sure as heck brighten my day!" Cyborg assured his little buddy, earning a look of disgust in return, a look he met with a smile.
"Right, right, so that's our fallback objective. If we can't get them together and we can't get plan B, and/or any further lettered plans to work, It'll be our last ditch responsibility to convince Robin to take the noble way out and deny both."
"So wait… we've got a plan B? When did we get a plan B?" Beast Boy was holding up his index finger as he wiggled his middle finger and scratched his head.
"Well I was getting to plan B." Speedy finally sounded annoyed, and the look of anger he shot at BB dwarfed anything that had been sent his way so far. Beast Boy sort of shrunk back, smiling nervously. "Okay then, unless someone else has an interruption, I'll discuss the mechanism of plan A slash B." No one said anything.
"Right. So, we want to cool everyone's jets. Robin's already trying to do that, he's got a good head on his shoulders, even if he is clueless with the ladies. That leaves the ladies themselves. For the life of me, I can only think of one thing that can distract a woman from a man she's got her heart set on."
"A clearance sale?" Supplied Cyborg.
"Armageddon?" Supplied Beast Boy.
"No, and no. The only thing that can distract a woman from a hot guy, is another hot guy."
"Wait—just what are you gettin' at?"
"Just think about it guys, what we need to do is divert them from being focused on Robin. Not only will this allow us to observe their reactions and see how they might really feel about him when it's not a life and death crisis, but it may well let them examine how they feel themselves. That's plan A. The ideal would be for one of them to back away from our man and viola, the situation resolves itself. That's plan B."
"Okay, so let me see if I've go this straight!" Beast Boy shouted in what very much appeared to be anger. "Plan A consists of somehow seducing the two women competing for B-Wonder, who also happen to be our friends who trust us. Plan B would then be us sitting around hoping that one of them will just up and decide to let Robin loose so the other can get her chance at a 'happily ever after' with him. Is that right?"
"Uhh… yeah."
"Sounds good, when do we start?"
"Hold it—wait, just wait! I can't believe we're even discussing this!"
"Chill Cy, you asked for ideas, I provided ideas. Maybe you've got some new plan of your own to suggest?" Cyborg glared at Speedy, but said nothing. "Right then. So now we just need to decide who'll do the romancing."
"And I suppose you respectfully volunteer yourself for the project, right?" The human side of Cyborg's brow creased as his glare became a glower of exasperated disgust.
"HA!" Speedy surprised both his allies by laughing, "I wish! Only in my fervent, lucid, extremely graphic dreams would I get anywhere near those two. No, Robin would find some creative way to make my existence entertainingly miserable if I even looked like I was making a pass at either of them. I'm not going to be the patsy—err, volunteer."
"So I guess… I guess that leaves… just me'n Cy…" Beast Boy had a look of near catatonic dread plastered over his quickly greening face. It looked something like he was trying to blush and pale at the same time, and caught firmly in the middle, all he managed to do was sweat.
"No, no, no, neither of you will do at all. Not even almost."
"Hey, what's with the hating man?" Beast Boy did a one-eighty, utterly affronted by Speedy's flat rejection, so much that he completely escaped his towering dread. "Think I'm not up to it? Think I can't lay the charms down, make the ladies swoon? I'm the ladies man around here!"
Cyborg and Speedy just looked at him for a minute. Eventually, he got a sense of what he'd just said and calmed back down. Frowning expansively, he leaned against a workbench and crossed his arms in a huff.
"Right… so like I was saying, Raven and Starfire have already labeled all of us. Barring some kind of life-altering event, we're all classified strictly into the platonic categories. The thing about women is that they don't work the same way we do. Once they've slotted a guy into the 'friend' category, it takes intense circumstances to move us closer than that ever again. Not like us guys, who'd move from friend who is a boy to boyfriend in a hot second if it would mean a little nookie."
"Hey, speak for yourself ya little pipsqueak!"
"Oh? Well, Mr. Chivalry here says he's above all that! Can you honestly tell me that if Raven suddenly started coming on to you, you'd shut her down for her own good, because you're her friend?"
"I—"
"Ap-ap-ap—honestly now!"
Cyborg stopped his reflexive, automatic answer and shut his mouth. He sighed, seeming to think about what Speedy had asked him, using one metal hand to scratch the human side of his bald pate rather idly at the same time. Eventually he huffed and glowered at Speedy.
"Well, I gotta say, if Raven came on to me alluva sudden, I'd be majorly weirded out. But… I don't suppose… I necessarily… turn her down."
"And there you have it! Thank you for your honesty, and now back to the issue of labels. I am the cute but tactless 'hearthrob's buddy,' plus I'm pretty sure Raven finds my life philosophies offensive… though I can't imagine why."
"Oh, I wonder," Cyborg said, still looking upset over the general course this discussion had taken.
"You," Speedy pointed at Cy, "are the reliable, trustworthy, charming, older brother. Which makes you," Speedy pointed at BB, "the cute but insufferably obnoxious younger brother."
"Just keep talking man, we'll settle this later."
"I look forward to it, but back to the discussion at hand, please. Basically, none of us will get the job done. That means we're going to need some backup."
"But who are we gonna call? Who on Earth do you think would do us this kind of favor, especially considering the… uh… volatile nature of the ladies right now? Somehow, I don't think they run an escort service for this kinda thing in the telephone directories."
"Ah, but you see my dear Cyborg, your old pal Speedy has already thought all of this out. It just so happens that there are two perfect candidates that owe me and Robin some big-time favors. You actually know one of them already, but I can assure you that the four of us go way back. All the way back to our respective sidekick days, actually."
"Hold on… you don't mean…" Cyborg had sort of a half-stunned half-excited expression as he realized who Speedy must be talking about, while Beast Boy just looked on in confusion.
"Indeed I do! Our patsies—er, there I go again—our brave volunteers will be none other than Aqualad and Kid Flash, the other two fellahs from the original Teen Titans. I'll get em both on the horn… if they refuse… well… I've got more than enough on both of them to blackmail them into helping out, though considering our man Robin's dire circumstances, I'm sure that won't be necessary."
"Hey—wait—you and Robin have known Aqualad for how long? And who the heck is Kid Flash?" Beast boy was once again giving Speedy a magnificently skeptical look, and he answered it by sighing and shaking his head.
"Come on buddy, I'll explain it all over again while I track down their numbers. Heck, I might even find some way to work Wonder Girl into the scheme—then we'd have the whole gang back together. Anyway, a little parade of prime super-dude to test the proverbial waters and possibly even shake one of 'em loose from her Robin death-grip sounds like just what the doctor ordered."
The other two guys just eyed one another and shared a silent doubt. It was pretty clear that neither of them were at all behind Speedy's initiative, but equally clear that neither of them had a better idea for challenging this intolerable situation.
A Seedy Dive
Thunk
As that dull, harsh sound bled through the air, a razor sharp shuriken slowly vibrated to a dead stop in the rotting wooden wall. Another two quickly followed, then four more all at once, until finally the metal barrage ended in utter silence. The shards of sharpened steel were arranged in a crude happy-face configuration on a dartboard made from a contraband fan-poster of Robin, the Boy Wonder.
Breee, Breee, Breee, Click
An old-style phone rang and was quickly answered. The blue-gloved hand that plucked the crappy old plastic receiver from its mount gripped with uncommon tension, but lifted with perfect leisure as it placed the device to its owner's ear.
"Is it ready?" the masked man asked curtly, as though he already knew who was at the other end of the line.
"Of course." The responding voice was calm and laid-back, a perfect contrast to the first man's grim tone. "I said I could get it for you and I did. I never default on my debts Ravager, and though I still hate to think about it, I owe you quite a bit. The devices and magical objects you ordered should arrive there this weekend, courtesy of your friendly neighborhood Assassin's Guild. I must admit though, you certainly asked for some odd supplies."
"Yes, well, I have some very specific plans in mind. You see, I'm going to destroy a man."
Thunk
A throwing knife punctuated his statement by sprouting murderously from a spot squarely between the two shuriken 'eyes' sticking out of the Robin poster. The entire dartboard shuddered for a few seconds, then spontaneously split in two along a crack created by the knife, tearing the poster apart as it went.
"Ah revenge, it's not how I'd choose to spend my last days on Earth, but I can certainly understand the appeal. Which reminds me, these are your last days on Earth. The contract was finalized last night."
"Huh." Ravager was quiet for a long moment. He'd always understood what would happen when the Assassin's Guild discovered that he'd ratted out the guy that hired him, but it was somehow different to know, beyond doubt, that he was going to die. He could probably run for a while, perhaps even hide, but the guild would spring for someone good, one of the best surely, considering his own status, which meant that his death was only a matter of time now. Interestingly, the only thing he felt was curiosity. "By chance… is it anyone I know?"
"HA! You wish. Guildmaster was so ticked off to hear you broke rule one, he put up the big money and lured a certain someone out of retirement. You should be honored man, you're going to have your card punched by a living legend. The best of the best."
"No shit?" Ravager was suddenly exhilarated, this news bringing him a perverse comfort. "He really managed to get a hold of Deathstroke? Deathstroke the Terminator?"
"The one and only. Nobody thought he'd actually take the contract, he hasn't accepted one in almost a decade. But apparently, whatever he's been into lately, organized crime or whatever, it all went south, and he happened to have some free time on his hands when Guildmaster put the call through."
"My my… well, that might almost make it worth it then. I'll get my revenge, destroy this little punk and everything he wants to protect, and then I'll get to meet the very person who made me want to become an Assassin. I might just be able to die a happy man after all."
"Yeah, right, whatever. Anyway Ravager, we're even now. Dead even. You're never going to hear from me again, and for that matter, this conversation never took place. I don't need you getting your looser stink all over me, there's no future in associating with a sinking ship like you. The only reason I even took your call was because I owed you. It'd have driven me nuts if you'd checked out before I could repay you, now that that's off my back, you can rot in hell for all I care. Have a nice life… whatever's left of it anyway."
Click
The man on the other end of the line hung up, and, a look of bemused contemplation shading his eyes, Ravager did the same.
"Deathstroke the Terminator… I'll be damned."
With that last mumbled statement, Ravager fell silent, his hands moving to toy with a few more of the varied metal objects on the coffee table next to his tatty old overstuffed chair. There were another four dartboards decorated with Robin's visage lined up along the wall, and he had endless hours yet before he could put his plan for revenge into motion.
Thunk, Thunk, Thunk
Titan's Tower: Outside, eighty feet off the ground.
"Well, this certainly isn't how I expected to spend my Thursday afternoon… at least not if you'd asked me last Thursday." Robin was talking to none other than himself, there being no one else around, and that, by chance, being exactly the idea. One didn't hang off the side of a skyscraper if one was feeling sociable, after all, and it just so happened that Robin was not particularly feeling sociable just then. "But hell, at least it's a nice day."
He was right, of course, it was an uncannily warm day for this time of year, and the sea breeze was refreshing without being chilling. Indeed, one couldn't have picked a better day to cower from two overzealous and exceptionally proactive love interests. And it was that thought that brought him back to the reason he was so unsociably hanging from the side of a building.
"AHHHGGG! What am I gonna DO!" The sudden bellow was an exceptionally necessary stress reliever, and it wasn't the first time it had been so incredibly appropriate that he'd been unable to hold it in. That exact shout is what had given him away when he'd been hiding in the elevator shaft, and a similar one had rendered his 'above the ceiling panels' hiding place equally useless. If he'd been able to spare a drop of concern for anything but his immediate problem, he'd probably be worried they'd find him here too after a scream like that. Instead, he just readjusted the link between the grapnel he was hanging on and his belt, then considered the course of events that had lead him to his current unenviable position.
Oh, Monday morning had been enjoyable enough, as it were. Everything had seemed so perfect, both women had come to grips without killing themselves, each other, or (and this one was paramount) Him. They'd taken the news that he held feelings for each of them in stride, without flipping out further than they already had, and he'd been glad, because that had been the number one concern on his list. Then he'd learned that that was very far from what should have been his number one concern, as the dream had ended right then and there, and this nightmare week had touched off.
It seemed innocent enough at the start. In fact, for the first, oh, twelve hours (most of which they'd spent asleep in their respective rooms) it was as though nothing had really changed at all. Starfire didn't look at him without blushing, Raven had an absolutely unusual expression all the time (a smile to be exact) and each of them went out of her way to stand in close proximity to Robin whenever they were in the same room as him. Then came the moment of truth, when both of them had happened to be in the same room as him at the same time. One closed in on him from either side, they noticed one another, traded petty stares, and nothing had been the same since.
Starfire, of all people, had opened up with a snippy, rather inconsequential comment or another, which Raven had chosen to take as offensive, responding in kind. It went back and forth, and in a few seconds, it was a shouting match. A bewildering blink of an eye later, it was a tug of war, but not one of those girly shojo tug-of-wars…no. A super-strong alien warrior princess and an alter-dimensional half-demon telekinetic sorceress were at odds over him, and he was lucky to still have his arms attached after that nightmare.
Since that moment, there had been no rest, no respite, no escape from their constant pursuit. Each was relentless, remorseless, and utterly ruthless, accosting him with utterly inhumane questions that began with words like 'which' and 'who,' words he was so not ready to answer. After a 'heated exchange' had broken out outside his room, an exchange involving fluorescent green lasers and violently relocalizing lumps of plaster, he'd lost it. Shouting at both of them had stopped the destruction, but it had the unfortunate side effect of refocusing their attention on him with those hard questions. He couldn't even hide in his room after that, as they simply stood outside rightly accusing him of cowardice. So he'd snuck out of his room to let them taunt the air, and it had been touch and go ever since.
"Raven, come quickly, I believe I heard something from outside!" The sound of that beautiful, damnable voice came muffled through the windows, and immediately Robin was in motion.
"Of course!" Raven quickly responded, and he knew he had only seconds to beat another hasty retreat. "The outside walls, why didn't we think of that sooner? Come quickly, before he can move again!"
But Robin was already gone. Well before Raven could phase the two of them through the wall, he'd slipped back inside and removed every trace of his passage. A tingle along the back of his neck told him they must still be on his tale, so he took off down the corridor at a full sprint before ducking into a storage closet. No sooner did he turn into the room than did he hear the sound of two annoyed women landing in the hallway he'd just vacated, and he stifled a sigh of relief as they began to make loud sounds of frustration.
"I do not believe this!" It was Starfire to vent her fury first. "How can he have evaded us yet again?"
"Calm down!" Raven's voice was murky ice water. "We were right on his tale, he can't possibly have gotten out of this hall. The only thing this area is used for is storage, and all the warehouse doors are in the halls perpendicular to this one. He can't have gotten around the corner, that means he must have ducked into a room on this hall. And look, Starfire, at the one and only door on this hall."
Robin recoiled from the open door like he'd been struck, kicking himself and pulling at his hair as he realized the truth of Raven's words. He'd ducked into a dead-end utility room, the only door on the entire hallway, and now he was trapped! Determined not to go down without a fight, he quickly searched for a place to hide. His heart sank then, because even in a room packed with exposed pipes and old junk, there really wasn't much to choose from.
Right Outside
"Are you certain he will be within this room?"
"Dead certain." Raven gave Starfire a look at her supremely unpleasant smile, then stepped past the open door and made a sweeping motion with her cloak, inviting the other woman to go first. Both stared at the shadowy blank of the darkened store room for a moment, then Raven reached over and flipped the light switch. Nothing happened. Not to be discouraged, Starfire loosened her shoulders and held out a hand. In a moment, her fingers were glowing with hot green light, and she led the way into the darkness.
The room was musty with the heavy stench of mildew, old water pipes lining one wall while long stacks of rusty steel oil drums lined another. An old toolbox lay on its side spilling rows of various sized socket-wrench bits across the floor, and there was a puddle of something scummy spreading slowly from the wall with the pipes. Every surface was harsh, bare concrete, and the room was cold.
Soundlessly, Raven followed one step behind Starfire, the two of them crowding together a little closer quite by accident as the sheer imposition of the dank room pressed in on them. Starfire cast a solid beam of green light from side to side, slowly searching the walls for their quarry, each of them equally determined to finally run him to ground and get what they needed out of him.
As Starfire began to examine the steel barrels, Raven noticed a slight motion off to one side of the light beam, and she quickly grabbed Starfire's wrist and jerked it in that direction. Just before the light touched it, Raven spotted the lid of one drum click shut, as though someone had been peeking out and was just now ducking back in. She had also seen a flash of green and black, not unlike a certain someone's arm, and from the sudden tension in her hand, Starfire noticed it too. She started to take off toward the drum, but Raven had a devious thought, and she still held her arm, so she pulled her back. When Starfire looked back in annoyance, she only had to see Raven's strictly unpleasant smile to quell her protest. In a moment, she caught on too, and they were both sporting rather mischievous grins.
"Well Star, I don't know what to say," Raven began, sounding completely natural as she used her grip on Starfire's wrist to ease the light beam slowly off of the barrel and to one side. "It looks like we missed him again. I don't have a clue how he does that, but I suppose he's been practicing at it long enough that we shouldn't be surprised."
"Oh… yes… he is a sneaky one… Robin surely is…" Starfire didn't even almost match Raven's acting skills, and Raven fought not to roll her eyes at her board-stiff delivery and utter failure to pick up on the theme. When they argued, it drove Robin to distraction, and forcing him to listen to a little tiff would be a perfect way to get back at him for making them chase him all over hell and back.
"Damn Star, I'm sorry, I honestly thought he came this way, you don't have to break my arm!" As Raven feigned some fear into her voice, she gripped Starfire by the chin and forced her to look her in the eye. She made a few angry faces, then an encouraging gesture with one hand, glancing at the barrel suggestively. Starfire stared at her wide-eyed for a few long moments, and then smiled in comprehension.
"NO Raven, this simply is not acceptable!" She shouted much more cleanly as she finally caught on. "This entire mess is not to be tolerated, it is unacceptably intolerable!"
"Got it—outraged—but I don't see what I'm supposed to do about it!" Raven was ready to stamp on Starfire's foot, because it was clear she hadn't gotten the drift as well as Raven could have hoped.
"What do you mean? This entire situation is obviously your fault Raven!" Starfire shouted before Raven could do anymore silent stage directing, and there was enough of a hint of actual anger there to take Raven completely off guard, throwing her off her own plan entirely.
"What? How is any of this my fault? I'm not the one that fell for Ravager's trap! I'm not the one that tried to jump Robin's bones like some horny skank! I'm not the one that didn't have the guts to ask Robin out months ago and head off this whole damn situation!"
"Shivren Grislack!" Starfire shrieked, and her hand flashed through an arc like a baseball bat, lashing Raven's face with a cracking sound and propelling the smaller woman away like a shot. Raven hit the pipes on the far wall hard, then fell to the hard concrete in a slump of cloak. Starfire seemed to come to her senses as she saw Raven crumble boneless to the floor, and she flashed over to her friend, face white with shock. "Oh no—Raven, please, answer me?"
"Bitch!" Raven snapped, and Starfire was the one sent flying this time as a tree-thick tentacle of black energy smacked her like a whip-crack and blasted her into the stacks of old oil drums. There was a terrible noise of buckling steel and rattling, clanging, empty drums rattling around a concrete box, then silence and utter dark as Starfire's light was extinguished. For a long time nothing moved.
With a resounding explosion of light and sound, Starfire erupted from a pile of shattered oil drums, her entire body alight with green fire as she shrieked in rage like a banshee out of hell. Only one corner of the room failed to be emblazoned with azure light, because it was a pit of inky black darker than any shadow, a pair of deep red spots gazing out at the light show.
Like the wail of a steam whistle, Starfire's war-cry came to an abrupt halt, punctuated by a dull rush of air as she started flinging shattered oil drums at the shadowed corner of the room two-fisted. The rain of ancient steel pattered off of the hard shadows like so much water, then were returned in a wash of black energy as Raven retaliated. The utterly petty squabble had nothing to do with finesse and everything to do with days of pent up jealousy and spite, so that two fantastic warriors were reduced to the relative equivalent of a sissy-slap fight, the hunks of metal pattering off of each of them quite harmlessly.
Finally, the steel drums Starfire was using as ammunition were all too beat up to serve her purpose, and she blindly reached out to the nearest whole barrel to reopen the offensive. In her rage, she failed to notice the importance of this particular barrel, and she hefted it into the air one handed, tossed it effortlessly, and gave it a shattering bicycle kick that would have made a Brazilian striker weep with joy. The barrel buckled like melted cheesecake, and then went zinging in at Raven, who deflected the attack with a black shield that sent it spiraling into one of the concrete walls. It ricocheted loudly off that wall, then the floor, then another wall, and then skipped up to slam against the ceiling, where it sheared in two from the horrific strain and gushed fountains of dark, warm fluid around the room in bubbling spurts. The wash of wet warmth splashed across Starfire and Raven in turn, and for some reason that wasn't immediately obvious to either of them, they each paused.
Starfire was the first to investigate the distraction by holding a hand up to touch her face where she'd felt something slosh over her. When her hand came away wet, she stared at the fluid for long moments in utter uncomprehending shock. Raven had let all of her power bleed away, and she ran a hand through her hair, which felt heavy, and another across her bust, where more of the mysterious warmth was apparent. Both of her hands came away matted with the dark, hot liquid, and she wandered over toward Starfire as she puzzled over why her ears were ringing and her heart was thundering. In the green light from Starfire's body, it was impossible to tell what color the warm wetness was, and for some reason, a very large part of both women didn't want to realize what they were covered in.
Finally, Starfire and Raven both looked up and into one another's wide, stunned eyes. Then both of them simultaneously turned slow, creeping looks over at the corner the top half of the last barrel had fallen. Starfire raised one shaking hand to illuminate the wreckage, and the sight caused both women to start back in nauseating terror. The crumpled barrel was pinched in at one end, a huge puddle of the dark fluid creeping slowly out of the destroyed end. The lid had also come free as it hit the floor at last, and another flood of the liquid was issuing forth form that end. That didn't matter to either woman, however. In fact, as they stared in wide-eyed horror, only one thing registered to them, and that was the long, muscular armor-clad arm that was laying twisted, limp, and mangled out of the shattered barrel lid. That arm meant it had been Robin's barrel… which meant Robin had been in the barrel they'd obliterated… which meant that when it sheered in half… which meant the stuff they were covered in was Robin's…
BLOOD!
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" both women shrieked at the same insant, screaming long and loud, as though the sound alone could stave off the inconceivable, nauseating horror of what they'd just done. The terrible, miserable accident was beyond more than either of them could even conceive of, and they just stood their, screaming over and over again, gasping for air through the heart-consuming miasma of pain pouring in on each of them.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" both women reached a new peek of pitch and volume as they started to claw and spasm, trying with desperation-strengthened orgy of motion to expel the liberal coating of blood and gore both were sheathed in. for a moment, the fact of what they were coated in overcame the horror of what they'd just done, and they flailed hands in fits of flicking and disgust-driven hopping, trying to get if off in any way possible. All they really managed to do was flick bits of it every which way, coating one another in fine flecks of the dark, hot fluid.
The screaming broke down into uncoordinated shrieks and wails, and then they seemed to spot one another again through it all, noticing one another covered in muck by the flickering green light of Starfire's hands. Immediately, through the haze and horror, they leapt into one another's arms and began to weep powerfully. As they sobbed, they began to scream and wail Robin's name over and over again, on and on, unending as Starfire let her hand go out and they were plunged into the caress of darkness.
The Ceiling
Robin looked down from his hiding place on the ceiling and gritted his teeth. Then he ground them… then gnashed them… then finally, something inside him snapped. All at once, all the tiptoeing around people's feelings and dodging around hairy issues of choice and expectation caught up with him, weighing in on him until he couldn't stand it, couldn't endure it, and he just broke. The moment that certain something exploded within him, a sense of relaxation and reassurance like none other spread slowly from his heart outward. It washed through his body, dispelling the agonizing uncertainty and replacing it with a burning determination. He adjusted his hand and foot holds on the ceiling pipes, then settled himself for the opening of the final act.
"ENOUGH!" he shouted, somehow managing to overpower and even quell the piteous wailing of the two women below him. He amplified the shock factor of his voice by reconnecting the electrical wires he'd snipped, bathing the entire room in a curtain of blazing fluorescent light. Then he let loose his grip and flipped gracefully to the floor. "Here! I'm here, okay? Just calm down!"
To describe the look the two women were giving him as 'shocked' would be flatly insufficient. As completely wrapped around one another as two humanoid beings could be, utterly coated in muck and actually grinding it into one another's clothing as they crushed together, they looked very much like lovers caught in flagrantly indecent circumstances as they stared Robin wide-eyed with pupils narrowed to pinpricks by the sudden bright light. Robin stood there, letting them stare at him while it sank in, and for the first time in a long time, didn't bother to restrain himself. He whipped out a mini camera from his utility belt and immortalized the moment in ultra-high fidelity digital media.
"Robin?" the expected, cliché, and somewhat comforting 'name-as-an-interrogative' finally arrived, and Robin let out a slow breath of relief as he realized that yes, they were going to be okay.
"Right on the money. And thanks for the memories you two, I should be able to extort a small fortune from Speedy for this set of prints."
"What?" Raven took the verbal lead, Starfire still too stunned to do more than gape. "But… but the barrel… the arm… the blood…?"
"The blood," Robin knelt down and dipped two fingers into a glob of the muck, then raised it pack up to his face and took a deep whiff. "If you'll note the odor and color, you notice that it's warm crude oil. I suppose that would be easy enough to overlook in the dark considering the whole room smells like this stuff, but hey, whatever, I'm not complaining. I don't think even Hustler could have manufactured a more erotic sight than you two right now."
It wasn't just an annoyed taunt either. Raven and Starfire were coated in the mealy grease, long black streaks matting their hair down in damp strands and staining their clothing where they'd been pressed together. They looked like leftovers from a mud wrestling match, and it was not at all an unpleasant view. They might have been blushing as they hurried to examine each other, but it was hard to tell through the black goop coagulating on their faces.
"The arm," Robin went on, stalking past them as they stared like he was some kind of novel exhibit in a museum, "is inflatable." He picked up the now obviously fake appendage from where it jutted out of the shattered barrel, exposing its lack of a body. He then popped it, forcing the air out with a mildly humorous farting noise.
"The barrel," he kicked the nearest piece of said object, "was a decoy. You were supposed to concentrate on that while I slipped out the back. When I planned the caper, I didn't realize you two were out to murder me."
"Oh no, Robin, it's not like that!" Raven was the first to recognize the not-entirely sarcastic nature of that deeply hurt statement.
"Shut up!" Robin snapped, and his eyes alone were enough to keep either girl from uttering a single further peep. "I've had more than enough of this little farce, do you hear me? I held out hope that you two would learn to get along, mostly, I'll admit, out of a cowardly wish that I wouldn't have to decide anything for you. It's become painfully clear how much of a mistake that was!"
Both women stared at him with hurt in their eyes, like he was beating them around the face rather than just shouting and glaring. They realized now that their feuding had been much more of a strain on their man than they'd ever considered, but it was far too late for mere remorse to do a damn thing.
"Well I'm done. Maybe all it took was a little pantomime of the worst-case-scenario to kick some sense into me, because I'm done stringing this out in the hope of either of you grow into a bigger person. It's clear now that it was wishful thinking for me to believe that either of you would get over petty possessive jealousy and let us work this out like decent, mature people!"
Both women were just about ready to return to tears at this point, and Starfire was practically whimpering. Neither had ever seen anything approaching this level of pure vitriol emanating from Robin, particularly not directed at either of them.
"But… I'll be damned if I'm not still hopelessly in love." The two girls sighed at hearing this, as though their own worst fears had just been averted. "That said, I've truly and thoroughly had enough. I'm giving you two one more chance. ONE! This weekend. Each of you is going to get one date. One on Friday night, one on Saturday night. I'll choose one of you on Sunday, based on criterion that no one else is going to be privy to. Is that understood?"
Both girls nodded slowly.
"Fine. Let me say just one more thing, however. I am so past being fed up with this that I will not hesitate to dump both of you like a bad habit. If you two give me anymore trouble before Sunday—if you bicker, if you pester me, if you try to sabotage my dates—I will leave both of you high and dry so fast, heads'll spin. Team cohesiveness be damned, I'll let us all rot in heartbreak before I'll tolerate one more day of this nightmare! Is that clear?"
Both girls nodded again.
"Good. Call it in the air!" he shocked them both by flicking a coin upward right out of the blue. For once Starfire had the initiative, and after more than a year of settling weight room priorities with Cyborg in just this way, she even knew what to do.
"Heads!" she snapped before Raven even realized what was going on. The coin finished its twirling journey as Robin snatched it from the air and slapped it down on the back of his other wrist.
"Hey! I wasn't ready!" Raven complained, earning a heart-stopping leer of undiluted malice from Robin. Her jaw snapped shut with a click and she stepped back, cowed.
"It's probably better that the girl without psychic powers called the coin toss anyway," Robin said, never apologizing for his unpleasantness. He removed his hand from his wrist and looked down. He smirked, and then showed both women the classic profile of Mr. Washington. "Friday or Saturday, Starfire?"
"Uh… uh…" Starfire looked at the expression of anxious anticipation on Raven's face, then took a wild guess. "Saturday!"
"YES!" Raven snapped in victory, pumping a fist in the air as she grew a disgustingly self-satisfied smile.
"No wait—Friday!"
"Friday it is then."
"Phew!" Raven seemed to slump down, wiping some crude oil off her face and smiling a much more genuine smile of relief. "It's a good thing I actually wanted Saturday."
"Err—"
"Too late Star, Raven got you fair and square. Next time try thinking things through a little more decisively."
"Yeah Star, why would Robin want to date an indecisive bubble-brain?" There was no real malice in the taunt, but it pricked Starfire badly, and she blushed and teared up in the process.
"And you Raven," Robin suddenly turned on his heel, giving her a brand new dirty look, "how about you try a little compassion? She's you're best friend in the world for God's sake! Am I the only one here who remembers that? My God!"
Robin turned and began to walk away in disgust. Behind him, a battle of nasty stares erupted quite spontaneously between the two grimy, mucked-down women. It degraded into an oil fight, globs of coagulated crude flinging across the room and splattering wetly over the two already drenched women. Unnoticed by them, Robin paused at the doorway, fairly quivering with rage.
"I-WILL-DUMP-YOU-BOTH!" he screamed without turning around, enunciating every word. The women paused in mid-pitch, then dropped their oil globs and looked away from one another with childishly petulant expressions. Robin slammed the door and left them to clean up.
Unnoticed to all, a tiny green fly took off from one wall and crawled through a crack in the door.
Elsewhere in the Tower
"—and that's how it went." Beast Boy had an expressive leer as he remembered what the two women looked like drenched in oil, and Speedy sported a similar one as he felt his machinations coming together beautifully.
"Hehehexcellent!" Speedy cackled, tapping the tips of his fingers together in sequence. "I didn't even have to suggest it to him! One way or another, this problem will be over and done with by Sunday!"
That Seedy Dive
"—Sunday." Ravager stated the one word with confidence as he pulled a few knives out of one of his Robin-dartboards. "One way or another, everything will be settled by Sunday."
Future:
Two more chapters, then maybe a bonus chapter. Rest assured that it wont take me any three months to finish this now that everything is operational again.