A/N- Hi everyone, long time no update. I agree with the bunch of people who think we need R/M moments now more than ever. I tried to post after last episode but I just was too R/M depressed at the time. But this is a

Marissa glanced out the window and realized that her time in Newport was coming to a close. She was graduating. And then she was moving away. That fact was starting to get in the way of her and Ryan's relationship. It's not like they talked about it, or even acknowledged it but it was there. It made both of them a little uneasy and made things start to get increasingly hard. She hated the idea now. Only months ago she had wanted to keep her options but now… now… well she wasn't sure what she wanted.

Why was her life always so complicated? Ryan had showed her how to make things simple over the past few months, and she had loved every single minute. She sighed and walked over to the bed and sprawled across it. What was she going to do? Her future was waiting for her to start making decisions but she wished she could stop, and keep her life where it was, it was just so great. She started to feel the familiar panic gripping her. Her mind began to start asking questions. Where was she going? What was she doing? Why didn't she know? Did she want to base all her decisions on Ryan? How could she think things were so simple?

Her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone. Picking it up, she smiled as she answered. "Hey."

"Hi. What are you doing? I was thinking you could come over, and we could watch a movie or something? It's just that Seth is out with Summer and Sandy and Kirsten are gone. And well, Seth found Guess Who, you remember that board game thing? I think I'm pretty good at it, maybe you can challenge me."

Marissa smiled into the phone, enjoying the sound of Ryan's voice. It was so amazing. Every time she would get scared about what was coming, he could somehow sense it, and cut it off before it started. She quickly remembered Ryan had asked her something and tried to remember what he had said. "Um, what?" and she burst out laughing. "Did you just ask me to come over? You realize I live in the same house, right?"

"Oh, very funny. You don't even listen to me when I talk. Worst girlfriend ever. And yes, I knew that. I just wanted to see you." Ryan chuckled a little though.

Marissa grinned even more widely, she loved hearing him call her his girlfriend. It still thrilled her. It brought her back to the moment in the poolhouse when he told her she was his first girlfriend. "No, I was just so lost in your voice, you sex god."

Ryan scoffed into the phone. "Right. Well we can put that to the test, when you come down, why don't you wear a swimsuit and we'll swim first? Or better yet nothing at all…"

"Oh, yeah. Sure. No problem. I'll come down right now. I'm running naked down the stairs."

"You're kidding right?"

"Why don't you just look out and see?"

"Oh my god. No way. I'm not there, I'm in the car, I picked up dinner first. Please, please tell me you're kidding." He was pleading, and he didn't care.

"Sorry. I guess you'll never know. I'm going to shower then. Too bad." Marissa got off the bed, and smiled into the mirror, knowing that she had just got Ryan really good.

"Why not wait and shower with company?" Ryan suggested.

"Well, I don't think I'd be paying much attention to cleaning myself…" Marissa trailed off in a husky voice.

"I'm sure the hunk in the shower with you would look after that. But whatever you want. Two showers wouldn't hurt anyway. Be there soon." And he hung up the phone.

Marissa stared at the phone, deciding whether or not she should be insulted by what he just said. She smiled and got all her stuff together, deciding to have a quick shower then and maybe a longer one later.

She quickly stripped and hopped into the shower. She loved how Ryan could make her sane again. It was like he was her rock. Her sanity depended on him. She nearly dropped the soap as she made that realization. This guy, this man, held the key to her sanity. And she would probably be leaving it behind in just a short period of time. Her hand groped the wall for support. How would she live without him? Could she? She hadn't realized how close they had all of a sudden become. She took a deep breath. What was she going to do?

Stepping out of the shower, she grabbed a towel, wrapped herself in it and went to sit on her bed. This was hitting her hard. So many things were racing through her mind. The ringing of her cell pulled her out of her thoughts for a second time.

"I just got here and you aren't here. Are you on your way down? Don't forget to wear your swimsuit, or I mean… you could come naked…" Ryan waited for Marissa to interrupt him and chastise him for his word choice, or play along and flirt over the phone. Her silence made him a little uneasy. "Well I guess you can come in any clothing." He was pretty much talking sex over the phone and she still hadn't responded. "Um, Marissa? Are you still there? Wait a second… is this Marissa?" He started to panic a little, checking to make sure he hadn't dialled Seth or Summer's number.

"Oh. No it's me. You know what, I don't think I can do it tonight, I just have a lot to," she caught herself before she could say 'think about' and changed her wording, "Um, do. I have a lot to do. For homework. Um. Yeah. I should do it. Why don't you go out and catch Seth and Summer? Or like that girl, I don't remember her name… the redhead?"

"Is something wrong?" Ryan set the food down and debated whether he should sit and eat or go up to Marissa anyway.

"No. I just need to get stuff done. I have to be serious for school. You know that. For Penn State."

"Oh. Right." As soon as she threw in Penn State, she put up that little barrier. Ryan knew what she was trying to do. He didn't want to let her do it. He needed to stop her from pushing him away, but over the phone was definitely not the way to go. "Uh, okay well whatever. I'll go catch a movie or something… you sure though?"

Marissa sighed, relieved. "Oh, yeah. I need this time. You know how it goes. I'll call you when I have it figured out." She could have slapped herself for saying that. She scrambled for an excuse. "I mean, when I have a schedule and a plan for my homework. That's what I meant. I'll talk to you later." She hung up and buried her face in her hands. Oh god. What was she going to do?

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An hour later, a knock sounded at her door. Marissa was about to get up to answer it when the door opened anyways.

She was sitting on the floor, her head was resting on her hand and she had been thinking. She didn't seem to be doing too much work, exactly as he had suspected. He didn't know what was bugging her, but he knew she'd tell him now. Even if he had to force it out of her.

He was there. And just by the look in his eyes, she knew that he knew she had lied. Damnit! He looked so hot with his leather jacket and jeans. But it wasn't that, that made her gasp. It was what he was holding in his hand. A single red rose.

He cleared his throat. "So I thought maybe I'd just come up and say hey for a minute."

She just stared at him, what was she supposed to say? "Look, I did need time, just to think. What's that?" She said, pointing at the rose.

"Well, it's for you. I was hoping it would make you tell me what was wrong, because I knew something was. What's going on?" He huffed out the last sentence.

"It's just something I have to deal with." She turned away from him but he reached over and brought her face to within two inches of his.

"Tell me. Share with me. Let it out. I'm here, like always. What's going on?"

She sighed. So many questions, where could she possibly begin? "Look it's just a lot. All of this college crap that I was avoiding… it caught up and then I realized that I would be leaving you soon and I depend on you too much, I can't keep relying on you because you won't be there."

"Yes I will. I'm here Marissa. I've said it how many times? I love you. You can tell me anything and I don't mind being the first person you call or talk to when something major happens… after Summer." He smiled at her.

"I know you want to be there. But how long can we make this work? I'm leaving. It's going to be over because we'll say we'll talk everyday, and we will for the first month but then what? Either way, leaving is going to destroy me. But if I leave, and I am depending on you for my sanity, I won't be able to survive! It was so uncomplicated for the past few months but it can't keep going like this. We're growing up. And I don't—" She took a deep breath but Ryan cut her off.

"So why are you leaving? If I am so important why are you leaving? I don't get it. I just don't. You're Marissa Cooper. You're an independent girl…woman. You are. You make decisions by yourself all the time. But your also one half of Ryan and Marissa, and we make decisions together. That's how it is. Look, don't push me away just because you're scared."

"What? I'm not scared, I'm being realistic."

"No, you're pushing me away because you are afraid of what will happen when we separate. Well, I'm not letting you tear us apart before it has to be done. You mean too much to me for that. We have a few weeks left before anyone has to go anywhere. I intend to spend them with the person I have loved the most in this world. You are the only person who has had faith in me from day one, I told that Berkley guy that too. I don't know if I can leave you, and when that day comes, we'll have to be pried apart but NOT before that. Please." He ended his speech with a deep breath. "But I won't be an idiot either. If you want this to be it… then I'll let you go, but for good."

Marissa looked into his eyes. God she couldn't have kissed him for the last time, held him, had sex with him for the last time. This couldn't be how they ended. She didn't want this. What did she want?

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT." Marissa shouted. She looked at Ryan, who was more than slightly puzzled. "I just know that I don't want to lose you. I'm scared. I need someone to understand. I'm sorry. Just hold me." Ryan put both arms around her and placed the flower in her hair.

"I'm here. It's okay. Why don't we start with something simple. Go to prom with me?" He questioned.

She smiled widely. "Oh. I don't know about that. Those freshmen are making a serious pitch for me this year. Three already tried. But I mean, I guess I could go with you. If you bring me another flower. And you wear a suit. I haven't seen you in one, in a long time. And you didn't wear one last year."

"Well this year's will be way better because we'll have a whole plan and I'll be there from the beginning."

"Oh yeah? I guess I can agree with that. Now, I'm kinda hungry, so what did you get for dinner and is there any left? And how about some Guess Who now?" Marissa grinned at Ryan.

"Well, I got Thai, and I left you a plate downstairs. And for dessert, I got whipped cream. I think it's time we discovered its many wonders…together." Marissa raised her eyebrows at Ryan.

"Oh, don't you think you're getting ahead of yourself?"

"Speaking of head…" Ryan trailed off.

"Ryan!" She smacked him in the head with a pillow and raced off downstairs but pausing in the doorway. "Coming?" And she grinned devishly before racing to find the plate of food.

Wow. The girl was a mix of emotions. But he loved her because of them. He didn't want to let her know, but he was scared too. He was losing her. He didn't want to let it happen. And he wanted to find some way to make sure he didn't.

A/N- Hey all. This is specifically about Marissa and her character. I know she's all over the map and really frustrating, but it's for a reason and in the next few chapters, I'm hoping her character will make more sense…