A/N- whoa, I know, I updated! Enjoy!
Marissa's hand flew up to her mouth as she gasped in shock. What the hell had she just said? When had that thought even REGISTERED on her radar? She was 18! That wasn't in her plans at all. And yet it had been the first thing that came to mind, so maybe it was what she had wanted all along. But if she was confused, Ryan was the posterboy for utter shock and disbelief. Her eyes widened and her hands grew sweaty almost immediately. Ryan looked similar to what Marissa supposed a deer in headlights looked like, although he also had a touch of confusion mixed in. What had she done?
"Uh, well. When I said…what I meant… what I mean… I'm not sure." Marissa brushed her hair out of her face. Shit. What on earth had compelled her? Her love, her fear of losing Ryan, she had to keep reminding herself that she almost had.
Ryan still hadn't moved, which she wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing. He hadn't exactly thrown her out but he hadn't accepted without hesitation. But then again, seriously, at their age? And he had just dumped her. So what did she expect? So many things were whipping through her head at the moment and she didn't know what to do. "Ryan?" She questioned, she took a step toward him and then stopped. She didn't want him to retreat. She sighed, oh god, this was way too hard.
"Ryan, man?" Seth poked his head into the poolhouse. Marissa whipped her gaze over to him. "Dude, are you okay, you don't look too good? Did you eat something? Doesn't he look pale?" Seth turned to see Marissa and missed the fact that she too looked ill and had obviously been crying. "Oh, dude, you too? Seriously it better not be contagious. But yeah, you know how we said we would help Mom set up for the charity benefit tonight, well apparently that means we have to leave now and I suggest you hurry. Oh, what's with the bag? Going somewhere?" Seth joked but when no one responded he just crossed his arms. "okay, what's going on. You aren't going anywhere, are you Ryan?"
"No. He isn't." Marissa said, looking imploringly at Ryan, trying to read something from him. "But if you could um, leave us alone Seth. We just have to talk about…"
"Boys." Kirsten said, as she stepped in the door too. "Oh, hey Marissa. I forgot I needed the boys this morning. Is everything okay?" Kirsten asked, taking in the appearance of both Ryan and Marissa. "Summer's waiting in the car, she said you could go hang out at her house today, until the party tonight." Kirsten gave Marissa's shoulders a squeeze. Marissa turned to Ryan, hoping he would say something. He hadn't said anything since she had…since she'd asked him to… oh GOD. "Actually, we were kind of just finishing up, if you could give us a sec--" Marissa asked but was interrupted.
"We should go." Three words. That was all Ryan could put together. His world felt like it had flipped over, shaken itself and he wasn't sure he fit into it anymore. The past hour had just changed everything.
Marissa looked at him. Hard. He didn't flinch but he didn't look at her either, couldn't. "Oh. Okay." Marissa said. She looked away.
Kirsten saw the pain makes its way across Marissa's face and she just wanted to help. "Seth, you know what, I need you to look at something in the house. Now." She pulled him out the door leaving both Ryan and Marissa alone, again.
Marissa looked at Ryan sadly. After everything, this was it. "I'll just…let myself out." She stepped to the door but he stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.
"This isn't over. We'll talk later." He pushed her lightly with his hand at the bottom of her back. Even such little contact was setting off bombs for both of them. After the previous night, the passion carried over. He turned out the light, shut the door and stopped.
Marissa gazed into his eyes; she had no idea what was going on. "Um?" She questioned.
He shook his head. He was so uncomfortable with her all of a sudden. Well, it wasn't all of a sudden, there was a reason but she wished they could talk it over, get through to each other. At least he had said it wasn't over...that could be good, right?
Ryan looked at Marissa. Should he kiss her? Hug her? Shake her hand! Well he was sure you couldn't shake someone's hand after they proposed, there had to be a written rule of that SOMEWHERE. His eyes searched her face, his stomach was doing gymnastics and he didn't even know why. Seth leaned out the door of the mainhouse.
"Dude, we really need to go…."
"Right." He nodded in Marissa's direction, gestured at the house and mumbled "Gotta do this." And turned and walked away, speeding up as he increased the distance between them.
Marissa took a deep breath as she watched him go. Her system was worn out. This morning certainly had been a challenge. To make one decision, go to follow through, change your mind completely, have your new decision be made invalid because someone else changed THEIR mind and then offer marriage like you'd ask for ketchup with your fries was exhausting. Good lord. She got up on unsteady feet and hustled out to the car to meet a growingly impatient Summer.
"Get in the car Coop. You have got to tell me everything. Let's go."
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Ryan sat in the car, silently. Kirsten was driving them and Seth was babbling on about his latest fight with Summer. Ryan didn't know what it was about and he didn't care. His mind (and every part of him except the part sitting in the car) was still back at the poolhouse, going over the two words that had changed everything. Marry Marissa? Sure. He had thought about it before, once or twice. Maybe a bit more than that but somewhere in the future. He couldn't marry her, especially with this many problems between them. They broke up like, every week. And it's not like you can get a divorce every week, he thought. But maybe that was the point, if they were married, they couldn't always take the easy way out and maybe they could finally deal with their issues and get past everything, to something way more solid. They had been at that level since she moved in and it had just been the possibility of a breakup that had broken them up this time. Ryan thought about that for a minute and decided it made absolutely no sense. But neither had anything that had happened that day. He continued looking out the window. He hadn't noticed that the car stopped moving a full minute before and so Seth leaned forward and nudged his shoulder.
"Dude? Hello? You didn't have to think that hard about a solution. I'm romantic, I'll woo Summer back. Dude?" Seth kept shaking Ryan as he continued to brood.
"Seth, why don't you go tell the Newpsies we're here?" Kirsten nodded to him and Seth left to go inside. "Ryan? Sweetheart. What's wrong? Is everything okay?"
Ryan turned to talk to her but instead found he couldn't form words. He just stared at Kirsten for a full 30 seconds before he finally said "I'm not sure. You know when everything could be okay, or everything could go horribly wrong. And there is no one decision you can make, that will ensure one or the other. It's like either way we could destroy each other."
Kirsten nodded. "I'm not sure what happened between you two but I do know that you guys love each other. No one can tell you what to do, you'll just have to figure it out for yourselves."
Ryan nodded too. "Yeah, I know. I need her, but a lot of the time I cannot live with her. I'm not sure if staying and falling apart if it doesn't work, or going and breaking it off before it could ever really happen is best, you know?
"Yeah, I'm just not gonna pretend I do. I think you need to go with your heart on this one. And so here's what I'm going to do. I'm going inside, I'm sure Seth has talked everyone to sleep so I'll go and get everything organized. And I'll leave you here, with the keys. You either come in and join me with the keys or don't. And if you don't, I'll know where you went. Good luck." Kirsten smiled and laid a hand on Ryan's cheek. "No matter what you do, I love you and am so proud of you. I'll see you, whenever." And with that Kirsten got out of the car, and walked inside. Ryan didn't move at all for five minutes, debating. And then he unhooked his seatbelt and stepped out of the car.
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"So, I don't get it, are you together? Are you broken up? Something isn't making sense here Coop. You said he heard you talking to Kirsten and mean but you explained that, and then he still wasn't okay with it? And that was it? How did he sound? Like after? You really aren't giving me much to go on here."
"I know, I'm sorry Sum, I'm still a little preoccupied. Um, he said 'this isn't over' what do you think he meant? Do you think he meant, I want to end this properly so we don't have to go over it again and Seth and Summer can still date without it getting awkward or do you think he meant, this isn't over because I just realized I want to be with you?"
Summer shifted her position on her chair. The two girls were resting by her pool, tanning. They had spent the past few hours talking about their relationships. Marissa had spent most of it thinking over what she had asked Ryan but she hadn't quite been able to tell Summer. Summer had talked about her latest feud with Seth but had once again resorted back to the Ryan and Marissa problem.
"Well, I couldn't tell you. All I know is you had better be ready for anything. But keep in mind how much he loves you, of course."
"Yeah I know." Marissa stretched a little as Summer's cell rang. She covered her eyes to glance over at her friend.
"It's Seth." Summer responded to the questioning look. "I'll just be a sec. Hey assface," She said, picking up the call. "What? No I haven't seen Atwood since last night. No Coop's been with me. Well, Kirsten was wrong, he isn't here. I don't know, am I psychic? Hang on." Summer turned to look at Marissa. "Apparently Atwood is AWOL and the Cohens are looking for him, did he mention to you anything about going anywhere or any reason he might go somewhere?"
Marissa's face fell. He was gone? He had left? But he had said they weren't done! What hadher two words done? She was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. She managed to shrug her shoulders "No."
"Coop says no, dorkass. Yes I know that is not a real term. Bite me" and she hung up the phone. "Marissa? What's wrong, you look awful. Why are you crying?"
A tear slipped out and Marissa lost control. "I asked him to marry me. God, I'm such an idiot."
"You WHAT?" Summer roared. "We have been together for like EVER and this didn't come up?" Marissa's eyes narrowed. "Right, sooooooo not the point. But why would you…oh my god, are you pregnant? Coop!"
"No. No. I just, thought I was losing him and he said I wasn't taking us seriously and I realized I couldn't lose him and I wanted to show him I never wanted to again and it just…came out."
"What did Ryan say? How did he react?"
"He didn't do or say anything, except that this wasn't over and we would deal with it later. Now he's gone and nobody knows where. What did I do?"
"Oh… Coop, it's not your fault. Well I mean, it is but you know… you're a girl and your emotions change. You can't help it…he'll come back of course, I'm sure he probably had to just…" Summer stopped grasping, there really was nothing she could say. "He'll be back."
Marissa nodded but continued to cry onto her best friend's shoulder thinking back to a mere 24 hours ago when she had thought that this was what she'd needed all along.
A/N- okay, I know I suck. I should have updated way more frequently but ever since the finale I have been so discouraged to write anything about RM. I'm pretty sure there was a time when just saying their names was difficult. Anyway, I will be updating this story way more frequently now that it is officially summer time and I have more free time to do it. Thanks to all my reviewers, keep on doing what you're doing! As always R&R, it makes it even more fun. Hope to update again within a few days!