Author's Notes

HA! The Management is back! Chapter two! Hurrah! R&R, please (but you already know that…right?)!

Oh, and thanks to all who reviewed! It makes me feel all warm 'n' fuzzy inside…

Cid scratched his chin. "As I was sayin', the #$in' story started when I was a strappin' young un' when I decided to join a guild. Hell, everyone in a guild scored chicks, so why the $ not? Well, except for that one #$er at the jewelry store… he kept askin' to polish ev'ryones damn family jewls… #$er…" Cid sucked on his cigarette, blew smoke in his grandchildren's faces, and then continued. "The Thieves Guild always score the hottest chicks, so I decided to start there."

"You didn't join a guild for honor, Grandpa Cranky?"

"#$&#, no! Why the hell would I do summtin' 'toopid like that!"

"What happened next, Grandpa Cranky?"

"How many #$in' times do I have to tell you, $#-fer-brains, that my goddamn name ain't CRANKY!" He whacked the child with his stick. "Anyways, if you'd shut yer #$in' mouth, I'd &in' tell ya! #$$face…"

"Sorry Grandpa Cran- I mean, Cid."

"Damn straight, mother#$$er. Anyways, I entered the guild…"

ENTER FLASHBACK

We see a muuuuuch younger Cid walk into the Thieves Guild. To his right, there is a giant sign which states "Thieves Guild" on it. Cid walks up to a cloaked man with an eyepatch, who is accompanied by another cloaked man.

"Hey, buddy, is this the Thieves Guild?" Cid asks.

"Thieves what? I don't know of any guild that supports thieves, do you, Ted?" The man with the eyepatch asks his companion.

"Nope. Never heard of it."

Cid looks at the sign and scratches his head. He looks at the two men who are now staring at him like he's a complete and utter moron. Cid looks back at the sign, shrugs, and walks off through the door while saying: "Oh well, maybe the Warrior's Guild is hiring."

The two men look at each other and burst out laughing. "I've never seen someone fail the first test!"

"I know! That guy must be a complete moron!"

"Yeah, dumbass…"

"I took his wallet."

EXIT FLASHBACK

"Wow, Grandpa Cid, were you really such a-"

"Say moron, and I'll rip yer $$in' intestines out wit' a toothpick."

"-Not so clever person?"

"I was young and $in' naïve, you little piece of space monkey excrements!"

Cid hollered, while poking his grandson in the stomach with his stick. "Quit #&in' interruptin' or I'll poke yer brain wit' a &in' pencil!" Cid scratched his butt, and then continued. "So the next day, I figured out that they'd fooled the $& outta me. Nobody fools the Cidmeister and $&in' makes it out alive! NO $&IN' BODY! So I formulated a &in' plan, dammit, a #$in' good plan. I made an exact replica of my &$in' god-like body 'n' put a stick up it's ass, then glued the stick to some wheels."

ENTER FLASHBACK

We see the younger Cid in a barn, making a life-sized doll of himself. The hair is made of straw and the eyes are X's stitched into the burlap face. The entire thing is stuffed with bricks. It's propped up by a pole, and the pole is attached to a platform with wheels. Cid stands back and looks proudly at his work. "Aha! It's finished! Let's see those thieves see past my ESCAPE DUMMY! Mwahahahahah-" Cid begins to cough and wheeze. "Damn Toby."

We now see the inside of the Thieves Guild. The two thieves from the last flashback (named Ted and Mervin) are next to a window. Ted is speaking.

"Did you try ointment?"

"Yeah, but the damn rash won't-"

"Mervin, look through the window. It's that moron from yesterday. I thought he'd learned."

"Ted, you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"Does it involve a bunch of topless bikini-girls with no tan lines?"

"…not at this particular moment, no."

"Oh."

"Well, anyway, here's the plan. You sneak behind him whilst I distract him with clever conversation. This time, don't just steal his wallet, steal his pants, too!"

"Right-o, boss-o!"

"Ted."

"Yeah?"

"Never, ever do that again."

The door bell rings and Ted is at the other end of the room, far out of eyesight from anyone coming in from the door. Mervin shouts: "It's open!" The door creaks open and the "Escape Dummy" rolls in. Mervin smiles a huge smile. "Hey, buddy! Sorry about yesterday…" as he speaks, Ted is slowly creeping up on Cid. "Y'know, it's protocol. Don't worry, you're not the first dumba-…person not to pass the first test… NOW TED! JUMP ATTACK!"

Ted flies up in the air, delivering a powerful jump-kick behind Escape Dummy's neck. The burlap bag that served as a head flies off and lands in Mervin's arms. Mervin is staring at the head with a horrified look on his face, mouth agape. Blushing furiously and giggling nervously, Ted walks up slowly to Mervin. "I really didn't think I hit him that hard…" He looked at the still standing Escape Dummy. "…do you still want me to take his pants?" Mervin is still staring at the head, speechless. Ted pokes him. "Okay… I'm gonna go get some lunch. You…um, want anything? No? Okay."

Ted leaves. Mervin is still staring at the head.

Still speechless.

Ted's still gone, and Mervin is still staring at the head.

…still gone…

Ted returns with a "Magical Marvin Mighty Meal" bag in one hand. "I brought you back a drink…"

END FLASHBACK

"You sure tricked those thieves, Grandpa Cid!"

"Tricked? TRICKED? I $&in' PUNK'D those mother$$ers! I even got it on tape and sent it to MTV, fer $&&'s sake!" Cid grin grew wider. "Heh, you shoulda seen what I had really done to those $&ers…"

YES, ANOTHER FLASHBACK

Mervin is still standing in the middle of the Guild's floor with Escape Dummy's head. He still has the same shocked expression that he had last flashback. Ted and one of the Guild's ninjas walk forward.

"Merv! We're back from playing cards! You should've been there! I um…spent all you're money… yeah…" The ninja points at Escape Dummy's head. "Hey, cool fake head, Merv, where'd you get it? I want one too!" Suddenly, Mervin breaks from his trance. "Wh-what? Did you just say 'fake head'?" He examines the bottom of Escape Dummy's head, bricks fall out of the top, as well as the straw hair. "My god, it is a fake head! Wait, that means… GOOD GOD, THE VAULT!"

DON'T WORRY, FLASHBACK'S OVER

"Did you really steal all of the Thieves Guild's gold, Grandpa Cid?"

"No, I only stole a third of it." Cid said sarcastically. He whacked his grandson on the head with his cane again. "Of course I stole all of it, stupid #$face of a grandkid!"
"Did you spend it all on video games?"

"Vider gizwhats? #& no! In my time, there were no such things as them handheld video-whatsits! $&tard. I spent it all on booze and skimpy whores! One of 'em nearly bit off my $&$in' trouser snake when she was givin' me head, #$&&in' bitchwhore…" Cid yawned. "That's why I don't like yer mother. She's a &$in' HOE!"

"Grandpa Cid?"

"What now, $er? If you don't stop interruptin' me, I'll get $&in' pissed! You know what happens when Grandpa Cid gets pissed!"

"…Chinese Water Torture?"

"Damn straight!"

"What happened next?"

"The Thieves Guild started to give chase once they realized I'd stolen their gold. Here's what happened…"

Will Cid escape the fearsome strength of the Thieves Guild? Will his Grandkids get a clue? Find out next time in

The Legacy of Cid!

Author's Notes

How'd you like chapter two? Any better? Any worse? Anyways, review, please! It gives me incentive to continue! And it makes me feel fuzzy inside…