I'm updatin' like crazy, people! Chapter Four already! But after this one, I'm gonna take a break and look at where the plot is going. Got a general idea, but I'd like to reiterate it with meself.
Disclaimer: You aren't actually gonna sue me, are you? (sorry AMD) I OWN NOTHING!
We left Flashback Cid walking downthe country lane in which his nuts had been kicked. He was pissed. Very pissed. And we remember what happens to ninjas when Cid is pissed. "Kick me in the #$in' nuts, will they? Well they'll see what Cid does when the Cid-Meister is pissed! I'll kick them in the nuts! All of them! Every single last ninja until there are no more ninjas in Kalm to kick in the nuts! ALL OF THEM, DAMMIT!" Cid grumbled to himself as he walked down the small paved road of Kalm. He heard the sound of a blue suit swishing behind him; swishing in a way a tall man would swish were he wearing a blue suit and was running quickly. Cid heard a voice call out behind him: "You there, stop in the name of ShinRa!" Cid turned quickly and threw his hands in the air. "I swear she was sixteen, officer!" A (much) younger Vincent (without the big, heavy metal claw) in a (pressed) blue (Turk) suit stopped him. "You! We have reports that you had dealings with ninjas today, and that you robbed a Guild's vault!"
Cid sighed with relief. "Oh. Scared me for a sec, there... Wait, are you sure it wasn't my evil twin brother?" Vincent scratched his head. "Maybe… I'll get back to you about that one…. What was that other thing you were talking about?"
Cid shrugged. "Oh, nothing."
END FLASHBACK
"You had an evil twin, Grandpa C-"
"Watch how you end that sentence, sonny."
"-id?"
"Damn right I did! And that was before it was the $#&in' chic thing to do! Nowadays, ev'ryone has a #$&in' twin that's evil! But in my day, there were maybe only twelve known twins in all of the #$in' Kalm area. That was the most urban part of the world back then! It was something #$in' special! We had to carry licenses once we met! Here's mine." Cid dug into his pocket and produced his wallet and dug for the license. "It's expired now, though… jus' like my $#$in' driver's license." The trio of children all gave Cid an impressed "ooooooh".
"But I was only kiddin' 'bout the whole Vinnie thing. He don't come in 'till later. I didn't know I had an evil twin yet. Pay attention, dammit!" He threw the Evil Twin license at one of the children like a shurukein and it dug into the kid's forehead. He unaffectionately yanked it out and placed it (covered in blood) back into his wallet.
"My twin was tryin' to join a #$in' guild, too, but when you was an goddamn evil twin, you joined an evil #$in' gang of evil people!"
YOU ARE NOW ENTERING THE FLASHBACK ZONE…
(I couldn't resist)
A Cid look-alike was standing in a looooong line of "goon-like" people in a dark, dank castle. There was a sign on the wall above him: "Henchmen Job Interviews… 36 ½ miles"
"Dammit! I want my $$#in' cup of complimentary TEA! YOU #$&IN' HEAR ME UP THERE! Gimme. My. GODDAMN. TEA!" He shouted up the line.
36 ½ miles and one bouncerlater…
Cid's evil twin arrived at Tooey, the second-in-command of the Skishies and gave him his registration number. "I'm number three thousand, one #$in' hundred, and sixty $$in' seven. Now where. The hell. Is my GODDAMN TEA!" He screamed at the man in the crusty, rusty suit of armor with a pair of pink horns on top.
"We, um… ran…out." Tooey said, shuffling his foot on the ground. Sid's (Cid's evil twin) eyelid started twitching. "What kind was it?" Tooey looked at his feet. "OrangePeikang Spice."
"Did it have honey?"
"…no."
"Sugar?"
"We're too cheap for that…"
Sid straightened up. "Then it's okay!"
"Really?" Tooey asked.
"No."
"Oh. Well, before we start the interview, let me lay down the rules of the henchman: #1. If you fail your lord too many times (this includes failing to complete tasks in which you had no idea you were given and failing to remember to bring him his nighttime tea) then your contract, and your life, will be terminated. #2. If you become to smart and/or striving and are a threat to you lord, your contract, and your life, will be terminated. #3. We reserve the right to terminate your contract and/or your life if your lord so does please." He smiled at Sid. "So, any questions?" Sid nodded. "Yeah, umm,so how's the dental?"
"Full coverage. Your health is important to us. Ready Eddy?"
"…if I'm #$&in' workin' for you, never, EVER say that $# again. Git it? Got it? Good."
"…fine. Ready?"
"$&$ yes."
"Okay. You need to pass this seventy-five question exam in fifteen minutes. Absolutely no pressure. No cheating and good luck!"
Sid sat down. "No damn problem, just a test on being evil…"
Question 1:
Name?
Sid Lowland
Question 2.
You find a good guy. Do you:
A. Let him go
B. Tell him the plan
C. All of the above
Sid chose C
Question 3.
Two horses leave a stable traveling in opposite direction. One horse (Horse A) is carrying a chariot of fire and is traveling at an average speed of 15mph, but stops to graze and take a pee break every ten minutes. The other horse (Horse B) has a slight limp, but manages an average speed of 10mph. At Stop C Rider Z trades Horse B for Penguin Q. He rides Penguin Q to Town LMNOP, in which gate guard X repeats "Welcome to Hill Town!" whenever Rider Z asks for directions. Meanwhile, Rider P stops at Town QRST, where he proceeds to purchase Fuzzy Dice E and Coffee A… what is the average air speed velocity of an unladed swallow?
A. African
B. European
C. All of the above
Sid chose B.
Sid looked over at the desk next to him and copied what the person next to him wrote for question 4.
Question 5:
What do you get blah blah blah…
Sid copied Question 5's answer too.
Question 6:
(copycopycopy)
Question 7:
(copycopycopy)
At this point, the person sitting next to Sid got wise that he was being copied from. "Oi! Quit copying me!" Sid glared at him. "I am doing no $&$in' such $#!"
"Are too!"
"Are $in' not!"
"Check your last answer."
Sid looked at what he'd cop- wrote. It read:
I am a poor pathetic moronic stoopid loser who does not even look at what he has copied. By the way, I spelled stupid wrong. Pity me.
"I got 'All the Above'." Sid said.
"LIAR! It wasn't even multiple choice!"
Tooey came up and stood between the two. "Okay, what seems to be the problem." The person sitting next to Sid pointed at him. "He's copying me!"
"Is this true, Sid?"
"Nooo…"
"Ah, a liar and a cheat! Sorry, Sid, we have no place for the likes of you in henchmen work." Sid look at the ground, disappointed. "No siree-bob! Your more suited for management! Welcome aboard, Sid!"
Tooey took Sid by the hand (which he retaliated by kicking Tooey in the nuts) and brought him to the "Leaders Hall" which looked like all the other halls, except it had pink linen curtains on the dungeon walls. "Okay," Tooey said. "Let me explain how things work here. You control a small squad unless I put you on assignment, where you work with me. You take that group and wreck havoc in Kalm and any other surrounding towns. Once you're done, report to me. Gimme anything shiny that you find. Once you report to me, I report to Tookie-Tookie who talks to me through the mirror in my bedroom. He wears a black cloak and the room gets really dark when he talks to me so I've never seen his face."
Sid looked at him with a look that said: "And I work for you?" He cleared his throat. "So lemme get this straight. I report to you, and you report to some #$ed up voice in your mirror."
"Yup."
"…riiiight. Slip some of the $$ you're drinkin' in my tea sometime."
"Tookie-Tookie is real! He sends cards and fruitcake at Christmas! Last year, he sent a moose!"
"Seriously, lay off the booze."
"…anyway, your uniform is about to come, so here's a picture of the Skishies most worstesteringest enemy, the Silvah Knight that you can put in it so you can remember what he looks like."
In the picture, Tooey is tied up onto a tree and is smiling like it's his 5th birthday. The Silvah Knight (who is red) is threatening him with a long and very pointy sword. Sid glanced at Tooey. "Why the hell are you smiling?" Tooey giggled. I couldn't help it! I'd never met someone famous before!"
Suddenly, a box falls in front of Sid. "Welp," Tooey said (which was followed by Sid kicking him in the nuts and telling him never to say that again) "there's your uniform… heeeeyy… how come you got a cape?"
"Oh, this snazzy lil' piece of fine $#? I called the #$in' blacksmith and ordered some improvements on it. Thought it would pick up more hot chicks." Sid replied as he walked off to his new room.
Tooey glared at him. "If you think a cape makes you more attractive towards the opposite sex, you are seriously mistaken!" then he turned around and snuffled his nose a couple of times in jealousy and sadness.
END OF FLASHBACK
"Grandpa Cid, if you didn't know your twin existed, how do you know what he was doing?"
"He told me just before we switched personali- DAMN! You almost made me #$ing give away part of the $&in' story! Asshole!" Cid whacked his grandkid with his stick. "Anyway, now I'll tell you how I joined the Warriors Guild…"
AUTHOR'S NOTES
How's chapter four? I liked it… Review, people! I'm taking a break from writing this for awhile… see you later. Oh, and thanks to Jermseh for being the first person to review, and making me one of their favorite authors!
YAAAY JERMSEH!
Also, another thank you to Embrace-the-Darkness for making me one of their favorite authors!
YAAAY EMBRA-okay that doesn't work as well as Jermseh… well thanks for the support.
TOODLES!