Author's Notes

Due to the high demand, my vacation from writing is officially over until Thursday. On Thursday, then you can beg 'n' bitch aaaaall you want, but I WILL NOT GIVE IN! Dammit, I wanna vacation, and dammit, I'll get it! Due to a request from Banana Peel, this chapter will have absolutely no relation to the story, but will involve random things blowing up, and a car chase. I try to make everyone happy. Sorry, Banana Peel, I would've put it in with the story if I bleedin' could, but it jus' don't fit 'n' she's losin' power, cap'in!

…I couldn't resist…

End Author's Notes

Disclaimer: Meesa no own, yoosa no sue (apologies to AMD & Monty Python)

Cid drove with the intensity of a madman. Beside him, a little old lady walking her dog on the sidewalk exploded for no reason, just like nearly everything else today. Cait Sith was in the back seat, sticking his head out the sunroof and shooting enemy cars with his 12 gauge shotgun. "Suck shot!" he would scream manically as he blew the head off the driver of a grey '05 Mustang Convertible. "Y'know, Cait," Cloud said as he whimpered in the back seat, his head on Tifa's laarge chest, "They weren't with the Shi-"

"Who cares!" he screamed back as he shot another old lady crossing the street. "That's for J-Walking, BITCH!"

Vincent had his head out the window and was doing the same with his Sniper CR, except his remarks were more along the lines of "I'll see you in Hell, cretin!" or "Die with the pain that I suffered from the loss of Lucretia!"

Barret was doing the same as Cait Sith and Vincent, holding off as many people as he could with Cait's fluffy ass in his way. "Man, move the #$in' fluff afo' I set yo' robotic ass on fire an' thro' it inna middle of the damn street!" He yelled at Cait as he pushed him aside.

"I would if I could, but I-"

"You've been cheatin' on yo' #$#in' Fatkins diet again, haven't you?"

"…yes."

"Sorry fat ass mutha#$$er…"

Cloud was curled up in a ball on Tifa's lap sucking his thumb.

Another streetlamp exploded. The contents of an exploding trash can flew onto the road, and a stray banana peel made one of the black Mercedes Benz's fly off course and run over a random cripple. "Damn!" Cid cursed to himself, "Those damn squirrels are really in' determined to get their $#in' imported tea back, aren't they?"

"No shit, Sherlock!" Barret yelled at him. "You jus' now $$in' figurin' that out?"

Cid looked at Barret via the rear-view mirror. "Don't make me stop this #$#in' car."

"Shut up. We all know you wouldn't, foo'." Barret snapped back.
"Don't #$$in' #$$ with me, $#$er!"

"Gee, Cid," Cloud whined. "You broke a record there."

"Shut the hell up!" Cid, Barret, and Cait all shouted at the same time. "Fine. I will. See if you like it when I'm go- what the hell do you think you're doi-" Cloud never got to finish, because at that time, Red XII had thrown him against the rear window (which was now blown out from thousands of bullet holes) as a human shield from the thousands of bullets hailing the red PT Cruiser (Limited Edition, foo'!).

The army of black Mercedes Benz's advanced on them. The Cruiser turned left in a right turn lane. "Geez, Cid! Calm down! This is no need to break the law!" Aeris said, tsking. Cait Sith (the moogle part) kicked her in the jaw. "Shut up or I sick Sephy on you!"

"Fine." Aeris pouted. A Bettle Bug exploded next to them for no reason, along with a pigeon about to crap on the Cruiser. At this point, Zidane from FFIX ran out for no reason, pointed at them and shouted "Pigeon turd alert!"

Instead of pigeon turd, pigeon guts and brains landed on the windshield. Definitely not better, Cid thought as he turned the window wipers on in the front and the back. Cloud's face was right where the rear wiper went up. "Ow." He said as it came up. "Ow…ow…ow…" the window wipers blew up in Clouds face for…

You guessed it. No damn reason.

"Damit!" Red, well… is it yelped, said, or woofed? Or is it purred? Maybe it's wurred, a mixture between woofed and purred? Yeah! Maybe that's it, 'cause he looks so much like a cat and a cute lil' puppy dawg that'll rip your face off if you piss it off enough.

Anyways…

"Dammit!" Red wurred, "Our human shield just fell out the back, Cid!"

"Then make sure they all #$in' die before we run out of gas! Those prices are just to #$$in' high to stop, 'cause my credit card just expired." Cid retorted.

A group of killer Chocobos and moogles started advancing on the Cruiser. "Waaaarrk!"

"And those interest rates are just too high anyways!" Tifa continued.

The group of killer Moccabos (moogles & chocobos) came in faster. "KuuuUUUuupooOOoo!"

"And those hidden fees can be a leech on one's throat when they are paralyzed and cannot remove it as it continues to suck your valuable blood, and more of your precious crimson substance bleeds out through your amputated arm, staining the bleached white of the laboratory's floor and your sworn enemy, the man you murdered your beloved, is standing above you, laughing, and laughing, and laughing!" All eyes turned to Vincent after this comment, and not a creature was stirring, not even a moose.

"I mean, they're a real pain in the ass, right?" Everyone muttered their agreement and went back to maiming their opponents.

Meanwhile, the Moccabos flew in quicker. "Wwuuuuupppooo!"

"Relax, foo's. I gots the Capitol One 'No #$#$in' Aroun' Wit' Me, Bitch!' card wit' zero percent interest, or my rims back." Barret reassured them. The killer Moogles screamed in agony, and fell from the sky, landing on the black Mercedes Benz's, shattering their windshields and driving them off course, while the Chocobos just exploded next to them..

Everyone was speechless.

"…well…" Red wurred.

"Yeeaah…" Cait confirmed.

"So…?" Tifa continued.

"Yup." Cid said, and pulled into the nearest gas station. "That was, ummm…"

"Too easy?" Vincent said, brushing himself off. "Indeed you are correct. It was I, however, who had planned the whole Capitol One commercial. They gave me a shiny nickel for it." Valentine continued as the (newest) ShinRa building behind them blew up because of a random gas leak in the Smoking Lounge. I might add that we are not, in any way endorsed to Capitol One or any of it's affiliates. I do this for free. "Therefore," Vincent continued, "I saved us all. I have atoned for my sins, and shall commit more so I can sleep in my box. I like my box…" He turned into Chaos and flew away.

Meanwhile, a bloody, mangled, and generally bruised Cloud crawled up to Tifa. He didn't alert her of his presence until he saw up her skirt. Once he had taken a picture (awww, a Kodak moment!) (we are not endorsed by Kodak), he tapped her ass and smiled, then quickly frowned, and pretended to be in complete agony. "Aggghh… Teefa… heelppp… meeee."

Suddenly, the wheelbarrow man from Monty Python's Holy Grail walked down the street calling "Bring out yer dead!" A tree exploded on the other side of the street for no reason. "Oooh, we've got one!" Red yelled, heaving Cloud onto Barret's shoulder. "I'm not dead!" Cloud whined, beating on Barret's back.

"What was 'at?" The wheelbarrow man said to Barret, who was holding out eight gil.

"Nothin' foo'. Now take this #$$er afo' I bust a #$#$in' cap in yo' head!" He said, shoving the eight gil into the man's hands.

"I'm not dead!" Cloud screamed again.

"Well, 'e says 'e's not dead!" the wheelbarrow man replied. "I can't take 'im loik 'at."

"Well would you wait around? It won't be long." Aeris said, showing him an elegant leg and biting her lip.

"You are sooooo bahkin' up th' wrong tree, miss." The wheelbarrow man (now referred to as Mervin) said. "Besides, 'ave you looked 'at 'is place? I gottah keep 'ese streets clean!" Mervin said, pointing at all the debris, blood, guts, pigeon turd (at which Zidane shouted "Pigeon turd alert!"), squirrel brains (because AVALANCHE's opponent really were squirrels.), and smoldering Mercedes Benz's hood ornaments, all of which had survived the Random Chocobo Explosion.

"Well," Tifa suggested, "When's your next round?"

"Thursday."

"I think I'll go for a little walk now." Cloud said, and tried to get off of Barret.

"Look, you ain't fooling no #$$in' one." Cid said. "Well, look, is there #$$in' anythin' you kin do?" Mervin glanced around. "Well…"

"I feel fine! I feel happy! I feel- ohmygodI'monfire!" Cloud shouted as he spontaneously combusted. Barret tossed the smoldering corpse on the wheelbarrow. "Thanks, foo'."

"No problem." Mervin replied. "See ya Thursday."

"Sho'."

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

Author's Notes

So it isn't the best that I've done, but I wanted Banana Peel to be happy, so I threw it in. If you hadn't noticed, I don't like Cloud much. I don't like Yuffie, either, which is why I didn't even include her in this. Apologies, Mon Amie, if moi has offended you.