Author's Notes

Wow. That last chapter made a bigger hit than I thought. I thought it was crap. Sorry, Yumesuta, I don't like Cloud. Or Yuffie. SHE STOLE ME LUCKY CHARMS, DAMMIT! Sorry if I offended you. Sakiya, if you can't find the guy who owes you twenty bucks, tell me and I'll rip his :file deleted: off with a rubber band! And if it's a girl, well, then yer on yer own…

For all of you following the story, this chapter IS related to it. Relax, there may still be spontaneously combusting ninjas (because everyone seemed to like that), but not nearly as many as last chapter.

Disclaimer: Barret's mah bruddah from anuddah muddah. (sorry AMD & Monty Python)

End Author's Notes

"So when are you gonna tell us how you joined the Warriors Guild, Grandpappy Cid?"

Cid whacked his grandchild with his trademark stick-whacking. "Shut the $$ up and you'd know! An' NEVER call me 'Grandpappy Cid' again, git it? Got it? Good." He whacked all the children just to make sure they were paying attention. "So after I was…embarrassed by that #$$#in' ninja person, I was pissed."

"You mean kicked in the nu- ow."

"But there was one… strange thing I notice about the #&$#er. He had a #$$#in' monkey tail! I was sooooo gonna use that $#$# as $#$#in' blackmail later. Anyways, so I entered the Guild…"

ENTER FLASHBACK

Cid walked into the Warriors Guild, which was set up exactly like the Thieves Guild. Behind the mahogany receptionist desk, there was a B-E-A utiful red-headed receptionist with an eye patch. "Hey-o, I'd like to join the Warriors Guild, please." Cid said, and then in a much deeper, "sexier" voice, said: "If that ain't too much trouble for ya, baby." And winked at her. She flipped him off. "Sure thing, what're your… qualifications." She interrupted him before he could say anything. "One thing about having a giant spear, and I'll kick yer ass."

Cid scratched his head. "Touchy, aren't we? Well, I've robbed the entire vault of the Thieves Guild, made a complete fool of their guildmaster, and escaped a horde of angry killer ninjas as they were giving me the most aaaammaaaazing massage… oh god, you wouldn't even begin to believe how wonderful it was… gawd, it was like the kind you pay 20 gil every five minutes for… but you wouldn't know about killer ninja massages, they're only open to the public in Wutai…" The look the receptionist gave him told him to shut up. "Actually," she said, "I would. You see, my brother, heh, he's the Thieves Guild's Guildmaster."

"Ah," Cid replied. "I see the resemblance. Y'see, I had no idea eye patches were hereditary…" The look the one-eyed receptionist gave him shut him up again. "No chance that you guys had some sort of… really, really big fight or anything that would make me look reeeeally cool in your eyes? Maybe he might've embarrassed you once, pushed you out of a tree while you were wearing a skirt, ermm, poked you in the eye with a sharp stick? Maybe poked you doll in the eye with a sharp stick? Getting warmer?" She punched him, and Cid fell to the ground. "So, like, ummm, does this mean I can't, like, join the guild?"

"Not at all!" Called a fat, shirtless bald man. "We haven't had someone who was halfway as goodas you in years!"

"Guildmaster Blip!" The receptionist protested.

"Don't listen to Shera over there. It's about time someone kicked her brat little brother square in the pants. Come with me and I'll give you a tour of the Guild." Blip said. Cid turned towards Shera and stuck his tongue out at her.

They made their way through the halls and corridors, Blip told Cid whose room was whose. "This is the sauna. The men's hours are 12 am to 12pm, and the women's are vice versa. Ever go in there during the women's hours without my patented 'Inviso-Ring' and you're screwed."

"How much for it?" Cid asked.

"Ten gil."

"Sold."

They made their way down the hall. "This is the armory. Any and all guild members can use it! That's how nice we are! Unfortunately…" Blip shuffled his feet. "We've had cases where thieves from competing guilds (mainly the Thieves Guild) have joined just to steal our stuff. Therefore, we give the shi- I mean, not so…decent weapons to our newer members, and once you obtain a high enough rank, you are allowed to use any weapon we carry. We've got quite a selection. Here is your first weapon," The guildmaster said, handing him a small stick (the same stick, I might add, that he uses to whack his grandchildren with). "The Gnarled Staff of Ass Whoop. It does 1d4 damage, very rare, very powerful."

"It's a stick." Cid protested.

"A very important and powerful stick."

"…it's a stick."

"Well, can't have everything."

They worked their way back to the receptionist's area, in which Shera had begun to shoot rubber bands at the duo. "Okay, as of now," Blip began, "You are a beginner in this fine guild. As you complete quest given to you either from us or from the Quest Table over yonder," he pointed to a small card table with a stack of forms. "Here is your first quest. It is not an easy one. Men stronger and braver than you have coward away from its fierce evilness. Even Reno the Strong and Mighty Drunk fears its awesome evil, even when he's stone pissed! Should you overcome it, I can easily see you accomplishing great and mighty things in this guild." Cid looked unimpressed. "Chicks dig great and mighty things in this guild." Blip said, and Cid's eyes lit up. "Sounds good, send me in, sir! My stick and I will kick some evil ass tonight! What is it?" Blip smiled sheepishly. "Heideggar the Bold had a nasty hangover and some taco shits last night leading to what can only be described as the most wicked and foul thing ever created by man.…" he held out a plunger. "You'll need this Suctiony Staff of Unclogging." Cid took the plunger and kicked Blip in the nuts.

Many hours and a very unhappy Cid later…

Cid walked up to Blip soaking wet and triumphantly swinging the plunger around in a very pissed off sort of way. "I am now done with the most tiring, disgusting, and humiliating task of my life."

"Great!" Blip replied, "That's excellent news! You've earned one job point for that!"

"Which means?"

"You are on your way up! After that, you now only have 19,999 more points left to go for the second rank!" Blip said happily. Cid's eye lid twitched. "You're kiddin', right?" he said. "Ummm… no, why? Is it April Fools day?" Cid's knuckles turned white as he squeezed the Suctinony Staff of Unclogging. He then proceeded to chuck the rubbery end at the guildmaster's face. It stuck. "What did I do? Did I say something wrong? …wwaaait… you did clean this first, right?" Blip said fearfully.

"What's it taste like?" was Cid's reply as he stalked off into the Beginner's Dormitory.

"No, Cid! Come back and get the Suctiony Staff of Unclogging off my face! Please Cid? Pretty please?" Blip shouted after Cid. Shera then walked up, pointed at Blip the Stupidly Courageous and laughed. "Hey, it's not funny! Who knows what kind of foul and evil stuff is on this! It came out of Heideggar, for Christ's sake! Either help me get it off my face, or go away! I don't wanna hear you laugh when I can't even see you!" Shera walked off. "Wait!" Blip shouted after her, "That was a cry for help! Come back!"

Shera was only to be replaced by a random pedestrian in green, who snorted, and proceeded to laugh at Blip. "Okay, this is getting ridiculous! I don't even know who the hell you are! How'd you get in here!"

Several long hours later…

"At last!" Blip shouted triumphantly, "I have freed my face from the damnable Suctiony Stick from Hell! Now I need to apologize to Cid…"

Author's Notes

Yes, yes, I say the usual here. Review, even if you think it's crap. Tell me what you like/hate about it. I don't care if it's a flame or not. Yes, Reno will star in this soon, and if you didn't catch it, Zidane from FFIX will, too…