Author's Notes

Oh, god, thanks guys. I get reviews from the same exact people every chapter! I LOVE you guys! Oh, Yumesuta, your review made Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper squirt out of my nose and I wasn't even drinking it. God, I love you guys. As a favor, when I start on my next fic, Banana Peel, Yumesuta, and Sakiya, I will feature you three as the MAIN CHARACTERS! Once this is done (which will be a looooong time, I can tell you that!) e-mail me personally and tell me if this is okay, along with what you want your character to be like and look like. Then the four of us can work out a storyline and all that jazz! EEEEGH! Again, I love you guys! Also, thanks everyone else who reviewed! I love you guys, too!

Disclaimer: …riiiiiight…

End Author's Notes

We last left Blip about to apologize to Cid, and apologize he did.

"Look, Cid, I just wanted to say I was sorry about your first quest. I really should've given you something that was more… fitting to your character."

"Like a bath in acid?" Cid retorted. "Look, I don't like you, and you don't like me. Let's just do what we have to do and try not to kill each oth-"

"Wait," Blip interrupted, "You don't like me? I like you-"

"Don't change the subject."

"I personally think you need a hug so you know that you are loved and appreciated in this guild." Blip advanced towards Cid. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, no. Do NOT upset the personal bubble faeries. That would be bad. Unless it's by a civil version of that receptionist-"

"That's Shera." Blip said proudly.

"-or the chick at the bar-"

"That's Beatrix."

"There is no way ANYBODY is giving me a hug in this town. Git it? Got it? Good."

EXIT FLASHBACK

"And that's how I saved the goddamn world twice 'n' got the girls." Grandpa Cid said.

"What? Have you gone senile again, Grandpa Cid?" one of the grandchildren said, who quickly dived behind the couch in an attempt to escape the wrath of the Gnarled Staff of Ass Whoop.

"SHUT YER $&#$IN' MOUTH afore I beat the $#&$ outta you wit' Elena!" Cid shouted, and hit the other child to prove his point. "Who's Elena?" one said, "Is she hot?" Cid bit down on his cigarette in anger, but then smiled after he thought for awhile. "Well, maybe one bitch, but not the one I'm talkin' about…" he giggled and poured some more brandy into an ornate shot glass with the Final Fantasy VII logo on itand chugged the bottle, forgetting the glass. "Yer goddamn father better come back soon, I'm runnin' outta #$$#in' cigs… Anyways, no, the Elena I'm #$$#in' talkin' about is my Gnarled Staff of Ass Whoop I was given at the Guild when I joined. Me 'n' Elena go waaay back." He giggled at this after he thought of other meanings for it. "Yup, still remember the name I dayed her."

"You mean the-" WHACK! "Nevermind."

ENTER FLASHBACK

"So my stick is now known as Elena. FEAR HER POWERFUL WRATH OF 1d4 DAMAGE! Kneel, dammit!" Cid hollered at Shera. Her response: "I hate you."

At this time, Blip showed up on the radar (Yay for pun hell). "Okay, Shera, the local materia store is getting a shipment of really, really shiny (and rare)materia tonight, so we need someone to go over there and make sure The Skishies do not steal any shinies!" He turned to Cid. "To show how much we love you without giving you a hug-"

"Personal Bubble Faeries, bitch." Cid mumbled,

"We are putting you on this assignment."

"No way in Hell bo--wait, you're puttin' me on an actual assignment? Wait, what's the catch? Will they make me do chores?" Cid asked.

"No." Blip replied.

"Materia polishing?"

"Nope."

"Counter scrubbing?"

"Nada."

"…Suctiony Staff of Unclogging?"

"Not after what happened last time."

"Then Elena and I will not fail, you, Sir Blip!"

"Ooh, Sir Blip! I like the sound of that!" Blip giggled.

"It won't last long." Cid replied.

"Wait…who's Elena?" Blip asked. "Oh, gawd!" Shera answered, "He named his stick Elena! Elena, for Christ's sake!" Blip smiled and gave Cid the thumbs up, "Cool, I have a pillow named Mr. Fluffums." Shera muttered something under her breath that sounded like "kill me now"

END FLASHBACK

"That's when I met the #$$#in' gay materia store owner…" Cid shuddered. "That was the #$in' worst night of my life."

RE-ENTER FLASHBACK

After Cid had gone to his room to change his clothes, Shera turned to Blip. "Guildmaster," she said, "Are you sure it's a good idea to send an amateur idiot on an important steak-out like this?" Blip smiled. "Nope. But I needed Cid to feel fuzzy 'n' loved inside! This is a positive working zone! Besides, no one else would do it… goodthing Cid isn't from Kalm…" He shuffled his feet. "They said the manager made them feel uncomfortable…"

Inside the materia store…

"Hey, handsome. Here to have your family jewels polished?" Was the greeting the hot pink-clad material store owner said to Cid as he walked in. Cid's eye twitched. "Hell. No. Bitch. Touch me, and I'll kill you." The man in pink threw his hands in the air, and smiled. "Okay, okay, handsome. I won't touch your family jewels. By the way, my name's Kuja." He held out a hand to shake Cid's, who whacked it with Elena. Kuja replied with a girlish giggle. "Well, if you don't want your family jewels polished, what do ya need, sweetie?"

"I'm here to protect you." Cid replied.

"Jiminy Christmas! My prayers have been answered! Thank you, Garland!"

"NO! You misunderstood me! I was sent by the Warriors Guild to protect this place from thieves."

Silence.

Kuja perked up. "So you're here to protect my-" Cid pointed Elena at him in a menacing manner. "Say 'family jewels' and you will meet the business end of my stick!"

Kuja gasped. "Goody! FAMILY JEWELS, FAMILY JEWELS!"

Cid thought about hitting him on the head with his stick, but that would just provoke it. 'Save it for the Grandkids,' he thought. He walked over to the lit up showcase and pointed at the piece of materia that had just come in. It was a strange star shape and glowed black, or maybe that was just the florescent lighting… "So this is the Black Materia that's said to be stolen today?" he said. "You betcha, handsome."Kuja replied.

Cid scratched his chin. "I dunno, I though it'd be…" Kuja thought for a moment. "Shinier?"

"Yea, how'd you know?"

"Oh, gay people know everything."

"You know, I've got a good joke that comes with that, but it wouldn't work with you."

"Anyways," Kuja continued,(he held onto his s's) "They say that if you possess and use the Black Materia with enough Mako energy, then you can summon up a meteor to crush the entire planet you're on!" He gasped "Ohmygod, isn't that exciting!"

"Well," Cid said, "Being crushed by a killer comet wouldn't make my day."

"Silly, meteors and comets aren't the same! My hairdresser told me so. By the way, doesn't it look FABULOS! Oh. My. Gawd!"

"It's gonna be a loooong night…" Cid mumbled and pulled out a cigarette. He had just started to seriously smoke once he had joined the Warriors Guild. It was a way to manage stress.

---MEANWHILE, IN THE SKISHIES HEADQUARTERS---

Tooey ran up to Sid, who was watching Exotic Wutain Chix in Chainmail on Starz. "Quick! Sid! Get your armor on! There's something shiny at the materia store that Tookie-Tookie wants us to steal!"

"Shiny?" Sid said "#$#$ right! During commercials."

"…Sid," Tooey replied. "there are no commercials on Starz."

"…shut up."

---BACK AT THE STORE---

Cid started to back away from Kuja. "Okay… I'm gonna… check around the store--- NOT YOUR BODY--- for any suspicious activity. You do your… materia store thing, so long as it doesn't involve family jewels. Git it? Got it? Good."

"Whatever you say, sweet pea."

Cid walked around the store, checked behind counters and such, (which really wasn't hard, knowing that the store is so small) and made sure that Kuja didn't stare at his ass. Suddenly, he noticed a figure in a black cloak inching towards the Black Materia case. He had a monkey tail.

This lead Cid to think it was Ted from the Thieves Guild. "You! There in the jet black cloak with the hood up that leaves your face a complete mystery, skulking around in the materia store after hours towards a materia that will spell utter doom if given to ANYONE wearing allblack! What are you doing here?" The man was dumbstruck. "Oh, umm… I was just picking up some… lead based plutonium solution ziconium… pants. They're… for… a, umm… friend. He hates carrots. Breaks out in a rash when he sees them." He didn't sound like Ted… "Okay, sounds normal to me. Carry on, citizen." Cid replied. 'Damn, I really wanted to kick him in the nuts for what he did to me in the square…'

ENTER FLASHBACK INSIDE A FLASHBACK

"Ow, my nuts!"

EXIT FLASHBACK INSIDE A FLASHBACK

Outside the materia store…

A group of eight Skishies (including Tooey, Sid, Yuffie, and Reno) were gathered in the back alley of the store. "Okey dokey, guys," Tooey said, "We are currently located outside the Kalm Materia Store."

"No shit, Sherlock." Sid said, who was trying to get tea inside his helmet.

"That hurt, Sid. Anyways, Reno and the rest, you guys will come with me. We are looking for a rare materia known as the 'Black Materia'. Look for anything black and shiny, then nab it. When this is over, we'll poolthem all together and ask Tookie-Tookie which one of them it is. Move out, Skishies! Sid, you stay behind and make sure no Turks are coming, got it?"

"Wait," Sid said, "I don't get to help? I'm in #$$#in' management, dammit!"

"Sid, being a manager isn't all the glitz and glamour they make it. Sometimes, being manager means you have to guard a dirty back alley that smells like monkey pee." Tooey said.

"Damn, they never said that shit in the #$$$in' brochures." Sid replied.

"They never do."

Author's Notes

Ah, yes. Chapter Seven. Thanks, Banana Peel for getting me to update. IT FEELS GOOD! Anyways, regulars, do whatcha do, and I hope some new people will review too! Apologies to Kuja fans. I just think he's gay. Deal with it. And for anyone who bitches about how Yuffie, Zidane, and Reno only end up being 16-20 something in the games when this is maybe thirty years before FFVII, they drank a freakin' Youth Drink, or something, I dunno! Red Bull, maybe. (not endorsed by Red Bull)

All Questions will be answered soon!