Author's Notes

I've decided that until my "vacation" I will write at least one chapter a day, just for you guys. On the Tuesday following the Thursday that I take off I will continue to write.

Disclaimer: 'nuff said. (sorry AMD & MP)

End Author's Notes

"What the biff?" Kuja said quietly.

The skylight of the materia store shattered, and the many thousands of pieces fell to the ground; one hit Kuja between the eyes. "Eieeeee!" He screamed as he fell to the ground unconscious. At this point, while drifting through a nightmare filled sleep,he decided to quit the materia store business and go into world domination and/or destruction. Garland kept talking about positions…

His mind was forever poisoned. A lttle piece of glass is still stuck in there...

The band of Skishies fell through the skylight, all wearing matching uniforms (except for Tooey, who actually got armor). Tooey began to speak as he fell to the ground, and all the rest of his squad fell behind him. "To rid the world of pleasant civilization," he began. "-and to cause the good guys lots of aggravation-" another continued. "To get home to a pissed and drunken nation," Reno added, "-but do it with minimal self deprecation-" Yuffie added. The entire group jumped into a group together. "THE SKISHIES!" they said together. "-ation" Tooey added.

Kuja (who had regained consciousness) gasped and jumped into Cid's arms just like Scooby would do to Shaggy. "Oh my Garland!" He screamed. "We're being attacked by a band of raving poets!" Cid dropped him. "You call that poetry?" Kuja got up and ran away, running into a wall before he made it out the door. Tooey pulled a revolver out of his armor and pulled the hammer back, pointing it at the back of Cid's head. "Hands in the air, mongrel!" he said, then giggled, turning to Reno. "Y'know, I've always wanted to say that." And then turned back to Cid. "Alright, where's the Black Materi--- oh, hey Sid. I didn't recognize you. Except you don't have a family pack of cigarettes in your hand. And you shaved. And you have grey eyes instead of blue. And you aren't wearing your armor with a…cape. And you aren't watching out for Turks like I asked. And you still have your hands up as if I'm an enemy…" He thought for a moment. "Eh, could you excuse me? I need to find something…"

"Like what, your sanity?" Cid replied. "He didn't swear!" one of the Skishies exclaimed as Tooey ran off into the back alley.

"Sid!" he exclaimed, "You've been out here the entire time?"

"No shit, Sherlock." Sid replied. "Have any $#$$in' cigs on ya? I'm $$in' out."

"I just got you that family pack today!" Tooey scolded.

"Well workin' fer a $&#$in' moron who don't know shit from Shinola is pretty $&#$in' strenuous!" Sid hollered back. "Y'know," Tooey pondered, "I always wondered how the Shinola people felt about that…" Tooey began to think…

ENTERING THE REALMS OF TOOEY'S MIND…

"He don't know shit from Shino-"

"Hey, I'm the new man from Shinola!"

"…"

EXITING THE REALMS OF TOOEY'S MIND

"You know what I like best about meatloaf?" He said. "Everything."

"What the $&#$?" Sid replied. "Well, gotta go!" Tooey said and ran back into the materia store. Yuffie had been talking to Cid (it was a one sided conversation) "-and then he tells me, like, he never wants to, like, ever see me again! Can you, like, believe that?"

"Yes." Cid replied to the dismayed thief. "Oh, Yuffers?" Tooey called from the back, "Can I speak with you in private?"

"Euchk. Fine." Yuffie walked to the back of the store. "What is it?" Tooey checked to make sure no one else was watching them. "Do you work for UPS?" Yuffie looked at him like he was a rabid Sephiroth clone. "No. I like, work for you." Tooey smiled. "No? 'Cause I coulda sworn I saw you checkin' out my package!" SLAP! "Okay, I deserved that… Reno, over here."

Reno swaggered over in a drunk's idea of a straight line (hah! Imagine that!) and puffed on his cigarette. "Yeah boss?" Tooey checked to make sure Cid wasn't eavesdropping. "It appears that guy isn't really Sid." After this statement Reno muttered something along the lines of "Took you long enough, Sherlock."

"I believe that he's some kind of shape-shifter taking on Sid's shape to confuse us." Reno's cigarette fell out of his mouth, not because he was surprised, but because he couldn't concentrate enough sober mind power to keep it in there. "Reeeaally?" he said, dripping with sarcasm. "Yup." Tooey replied proudly. "Figured it out aaaall by myself." Reno cocked an eyebrow. "Zippidy-$#$$ing-Doo-Da." He unscrewed the lid to his flask, swigged the remaining rum and walked away.

Tooey leapt forward, landing directly in front of Cid. "Ha! We have seen through your clever ploy! We know what you're up to, Putty-Face!"

"At least that's one of us." Replied Cid.

"Yuffers!" Shouted Tooey. "Guard him! Who knows what terribly horrible plans he is formulating in his alabaster blood!" He walked off. Yuffie walked back over to Cid. "So I like, told him, 'If you're gonna, like, be this way, then, like, fine."

"HOLY JUMPING MOTHER OF GOD! A three headed monkey!" Cid exclaimed and pointed behind Yuffie. She turned around quickly. "Ohmygawd! Three headed monkeys are, like, not native to Kalm! OH. MY. GAWD!" She scratched her head. "I don't see one. Are you sure you didn't just see a monkey carrying two watermelons?" She turned back around to see none other than… ESCAPE DUMMY CID! "So, like, where was I?"

Meanwhile, at the display case, Tooey pointed at the Black Materia. "Okey-dokey guys. This is the only black thingy here. Swipe it. What the foo. Yuffikins, swipe it all!" Yuffie cheered happily and started grabbing all the materia in sight. The smooth smoothness of the Ice materia, thegentle warmth of the Fire materia, the feeling of Justice in the Knights of the Round materia, it felt so… so…

Dammit, what's the word? Oh yeah. It felt sowonderful that shethought to herself, 'Dammit, it should be MINE!' She began to cackle wickedly in her evil little ninja cackle that I hate. Damnable Yuffie.

Now you know how she got her sick little hobby.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a proud (yet spooky) voice boomed within the materia store. "I am the terror that strikes when Turks sleep!" Tooey dived behind the counter, knowing who the voice belonged to. "I am the sweat on your pillow after one of those 'chase dreams'!"

Reno hiccupped.

"I am that thing you see out the corner of your eye, but are not sure if you know if it is real or not!" Afigure dropped from the ceiling. This figure was garbed in blood red armor and wore a white cloak with the hood up. The eye holes in the helmet burned crimson. It drew a long, pointy sword. "I am," he paused for dramatic affect, "The Silvah Knight, and I will redeem myself for my past sins. I will punish you!" He pointed at the group of Skishies (loyal Yuffers had already left). "Alright, who wants some?" Tooey gasped. "The Silvah Knight! Quick! Reno, Yuffie, Marcellus, ATTACK!" He looked around the room. "Yuffers? Darling Yuffle Stiltskin? Damnable woman." He stood up and glared at the Silvah Knight. "Oh yeah? You think you're so tough with your cool armor and splashy introduction that strikes fear in the hearts of villains! And what's with the name? Huh? You're PINK! And what's with THAT! Pink is soooo not a defender of justice colo-- hey! Put Reno down! He is not a toy!" Reno flew across the room laughing and smashed into the display case, where the Black Materia still lay on its pink padded pillow. "Oh, you think you're so funny, don't you? Well guess what? I'm not laughing!"

After a short fight later, Reno and Marcellus were tied up back to back. "Wiggle not, fiendish crime scum, for it was your appetite for wickedness that has brought forth your three-course meal of JUSTICE! Now I can call the Turks and they can mysteriously find the two of you alone and already TAKEN CARE OF!" Reno turned his head towards Marcellus. "Y'know, man, I've been meaning to tell you. I," Reno hiccupped. "like you."

"Well, yeah. I like you too. You're a great drinking buddy and all, and you always help the guys score chicks."

"Naw," Reno replied, "Oh, Mr. Knight, yeah, could you lit this?" He lifted the cigarette in his mouth with his teeth. "Yeah, that's the-hic -stuff. As I was saying," he turned to Marcellus again. "Naw, I mean I like you, like you."

Awkward Silence.

"Well then."

Meanwhile, the black cloaked person in the store earlier began inching towards the back alley exit. Once he hadexited, he reached within the folds of his cloak and produced the Black Materia. He giggled. "It was a good plan," a voice said behind him. "Too bad it didn't work."

Author's Notes

That's right, cliffhanger. Hope this chapter was good, I worked hard on it. Drank extra brandy just for such an occasion. If you liked it, do tell me. If you didn't, shove my Gnarled Staff of Ass Whoop (1d4 damage, people!) up where the sun don't shine, then tell me.