Author's Notes

Yerp. Chapter ten on the Fourth. Who'da thunk. Celebrate, people. Do whatcha do. Set off fireworks, shoot a terrorist, burn a flag (why DO they do that?), whatever you do. I personally like to play "Blow the Crap Outta Moore".

If yer British, today's the day that I can say this and have an army behind me to defend me from your angry army of Brits…

SHOVE YER TEA WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE, FOO'!

Verzicht: Ich besitze abschließende Phantasie oder keine Teilnehmer. Ich tue dieses Material für freies. Wissen Sie nicht warum, zwar.

Negación: No poseo a Fantasía Final o a ninguna afiliados. Hago esta materia para libre. No sepa porqué, aunque.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy or any affiliates. I do this for free. Don't know why, though.

(courtesy of Google Translations)

Oh, and Banana Peel, sorry to make you seem rushed. Take your time.

End Author's Notes

"Cid, you are REALLY getting in my hair, y'know? Ruin a perfect cliffhanger, will you…" Grumbled ASS. Suddenly, a flash of light reflected off of the ground as a bullet ricocheted directly in front of him. "Damn." He said as a (much) younger Vincent (before the infamous Lucretia incident) garbed in a blue suit dropped from the rooftops in front of ASS. "At last, I have found you, Murk."

"Aha," ASS said (who we will now refer to him as his alias, Murk). "I see you didn't get enough ass whoop last time, Vinnie!"

"Could be," Vincent replied "But this time I came prepared." He raised his shotgun so it was aimed between Murk's eyes. "Oooh," Murk replied in awe as he stared at the beautiful weapon. "A Shotmaster 1100! I always wanted one of those… just… not… pointed at me."

Back in the store…

"I am not deformed!" Tooey shouted at Sid, "In fact, quite a few women have told me I'm sexy!"

"Like who?" Sid replied, "Yer $#$&in' mother, sister, an' Gran'mummy?" Tooey gasped. "How dare you speak of Old Mother Mabel like that! She was a model! She knew what she was talking about!"

"Then why the hell do you wear that $#$$in' helmet all the time?"

"'Cause I'm evil! All major evil doers have to wear a mask and/or helmet! It's in the rulebook!"

"&$#$ no! That's only if you've got a #$#&in' Secret Identity! You're $#$&in' career, so you don't $#$&in' have one." Sid scolded. "I mean, you $#$$in' wear it while you $$#$in' eat unless it's meatloaf! You grind the shit up and suck it through a goddamn straw."

"It tastes better that way!" Tooey retorted, pointing his finger at Sid, who lifted the pole again and was going to hit Silvah Knight again for good measures, but the body had disappeared. "Darn it!" Tooey whined, "We coulda killed him and put his head on a pole outside HQ!"

"What would that accomplish?" Marcellus asked. "No one would see it, we'd get our uniforms bloody, and it would stink the place up."

"It's in the rulebook!"

Back in the alley…

"Okay, Murk. Gimme the Black Materia." Vincent threatened. "What? This old thing?" Murk said. "Here, catch." He threw the precious materia in such a disrespectful way it would've made Yuffie cry. Cid caught it, and Vincent turned to him. "This is goin' a helluva a lot better than last time." He turned back to Murk. "Okay, now it's time to take you to the big hou-" Vincent then realized he was talking to…

ESCAPE DUMMY MURK!

"Dammit, that's how he got away last time!" Vincent hollered, and jumped back to the roof to give chase.

Back in the store…

"Alrighty- I mean, alright, alright! Don't kick me, Sid!" Tooey said, "Got the Materia?" Reno nodded. "Okay, take anything Yuffers didn't and let's split." He turned around only to find Silvah Knight back on the floor. "Huh… oh well. I'm gonna see what's under the Ugly Man's mask."

Then, of all the times Reno could've had slippery hands and a horrible hiccup, he had to have it now. He hiccupped. His slippery hands let the Materia slip…

And it shattered on the floor.

"Aaargh!" Tooey cried, pointing at Reno. "You broke my shiny! It was so shiny, and yet you still broke it! Do you hate me?" Sid sighed. "Oh shut the $#$$ up! Materia does not break that $$in' easy! We've been $$in' tricked!" Suddenly, Ashton Kutcher jumped out of a nearby closet. "No you haven't, you've just been PUNK'D!" Tooey drew the revolver from out of his armor again and shot the man in between the eyes. "And that was a… a… a warning! Yeah, umm… don't… don't never… ever mess with th-th-the Skishies again! You hear!" Tooey burst into tears. Sid walked up and patted him on the shoulder. "You've never killed a man, have you son?"

"N-n-no…"

"Well,"

"W-well what?"

"Well don't go cryin' like this. A strong man sheds blood afore tears."

"…you mean it?"

"No."

Tooey sighed. "Well, at least this trip won't totally be useless." He turned to the body of Silvah Knight laying unconscious on the floor. The Knight groaned and began to stir. "Quick, guys, lets get going before he regains full con- hey! Sid, put that pole down! What do want to do, give him brain damage?"

"Yes?" Sid suggested.

Back in the alley…

Vincent jumped from the roof in front of Cid. He was wearing the same kind of cloak Ted wore…

And he looked a lot like Ted…

"Damn, Murk got away again."

"You look really familiar. What's your name?"

"Erm… I've never seen you in your li- I mean, my life." Vincent chuckled nervously. "I've been told I look like a famous video game chara-" he was cut off by Cid, who kicked him in the nuts. "Ack, I-I deserved that." Vincent said

"Now tell me what the HELL is going on!" Cid demanded. "Okay, okay, I will. Let's just return the Materia." Vincent (alias: Ted of the Thieves Guild) replied in a high voice. "Fine," Cid pulled out the black orb.

Remember what happened with Reno?

Déjà vu except with a sneeze.

EXIT FLASHBACK

"Gee, Grandpa Cid, you broke the Black Materia? Did you get grounded?"

WHACK!

"Did I anger some God to get Grandkids as #$$#in' dumb as you? No, shit-fer-brains! I didn't $#$$in' break it! Murk replaced it with a #$$#in' fake one." Cid sighed, and smashed his cigarette butt into one of his child's children's forehead. "Vincent $$in' told me he'd $$ explain it all if I bought him a goddamn martini. First I thought he was coming on to me. $in' turns out he was really just a $#$$in' alchy. AA got him halfway to where he is now…"

ENTER FLASHBACK

"Hi, I'm Vincent-"

"Hello, Vincent."

"And I'm an alcoholic."

"Yess, we ssee."

"Gee, guys, why's it so dark in here? Where's the light switch… here it is. Gee, you guys look real pale…"

"Mussst be the alcohol."

"Yeah… my, your teeth are… pointy."

"Well, Vincent, welcome to Anonymous Alcoholic Addiction."

"Wait, don't you just need to drop the 'addiction' part?"

"No."

"This is AA, right?"

"No."

"What is i- heeeey… keep your grounds, man, I'm not into tha- HOLY SHIT, HE BIT ME!"

"Hi Vincent," the vampire said, "I'm Lord Fluffy and I'm addicted to alcoholics!"

EXIT FLASHBACK

"But that's a #$#$in' story for another $#$$in' day. Well, when we got there, Beatrix wasn't $$in' there. She was on $#$$in' vaca. Instead, someone else was $#$$in' watchin' the $#$$in' bar…"

ENTER FLASHBACK

"Welcome, fellow goodly humans! Can I spark your homosapien selves to an alcoholic beverage? Milk, perhaps?" Nanaki asked the two.

Author's Notes

Yup, people, Fourth of July. It's 9:57 now, and another fic is on the way!